posted on 17-Feb-2003 3:24:29 PM
Title: Indulgence
Author: Alli aka Lavender
Rating: PG
Summary: Michael masters the fine art of self-denial, post-Destiny
Spoilers: Destiny, obviously
A.N.: Wrote it last night. I've been having a thing for season 1 fics lately. Sure, it's a little late for that, but oh well.

Indulgence

You were wrong when you said I needed you.

I don't need you. I never did, I never will. You were a want. I wanted you; I think I loved you. I know that I kissed you and touched you until you couldn't think straight, until I couldn't think straight, until we were interrupted somehow, be it by Max, or an impatient customer, or my conscience or yours.

I never needed you.

And now that I don't have you...I still won't.

I may long for you. I may ache to have your body lying next to me in this too-big bed, with its too-rough sheets in this too-tiny apartment, wishing I'd never heard the word "too," wishing that nothing could ever be in excess.

In the long run, that's what you were. An excess.

I will ache, and long, and wish, even. But I won't need you.

I won't forget to eat. I won't forget to sleep.

I won't lay in bed until noon every day with my eyes closed. I won't miss any more school than I normally would. I won't neglect to pay the bills next month because I've been avoiding the Crashdown and my job in hopes of avoiding you.

I won't burn my tv dinner in the oven because you called me again and your voice is delicate and sad and I'm sitting on the arm of the sofa listening to it.

I won't start going to the Crashdown again because I really do need to pay those bills, knowing in the back of my mind that the money issue is null and void because I can just change slips of paper into dollar bills, that I'm there to be around you. I won't sneak glances at you when you know I think you're not looking, even though you really are because you're living for those moments where I still acknowledge your existance.

When I see another boy come to pick you up for dinner, giving you flowers and holding your hand, I won't care. My fists won't clench and my eyes won't narrow. As soon as I turn back to the grill I'll forget all about it.

I won't picture your silhouette in the doorway when night falls and rain comes and somehow the raindrops are finding themselves in my eyes. That's all it will be; it won't be tears because I'll never cry for you.

I won't stand outside of you window when it is dark, my forehead pressed against the dirty glass as mosquitoes prick at the back of my neck, longing and wishing and aching. I won't.

And when I finally convince myself that all these things are true...

That's when I'll need you.

fin


posted on 22-Feb-2003 12:48:40 PM
thanks *happy* thought I'd give it a little bump and see if anyone else finds it.