posted on 20-Oct-2001 7:19:23 PM
Hey all*happy*

Well, I wrote this BEFORE Ii saw CYN (and well before Ddeparture) so any inconsistencies stem from that. We'll call this an AU fic. Basically it was my form of therapy after I heard that Alex was dying...I took that badly. Anyway, there's 10 letters in the series, 1 from all the gang and a few others... I figured I'd post this because people on other boards seem to like them and I really hope you all do as well.

Anyway, please let me know what you think, feedback of any variety is always good*happy*

Letter To Alex…Love Isabel

AUTHOR: Marianne (Sunnycouger)


RATING: As low as it gets without being horizontal...we'll say PG for arguments sake but probably lower.


DISCLAIMER: You all don't honestly think that I own any of this do you? Roswell and all its characters are property of Melinda Metz and Jason Katims..I just take them out to play sometimes...

SUMMARY: This is a letter to Alex from Isabel. Basically its Izzy explaining her feelings to him after they are seperated.


Dear Alex,
Just me again, you’ll be sick of hearing from me. How are you doing? Great I bet. I hope. Me? Don't worry about me…I'm fine. Everyone says I'm doing great so I guess I am...doing great that is. Somehow I can tell that you don't believe me..I never could lie to you that well could I? Actually, I haven't been sleeping that well recently. I've been doing a lot of thinking about lots of different things…but mainly about you. Do you remember that time last year when I showed up at your door and kissed you? Of course you do. I remember I told you that it was so we could "generate" some information. After we kissed you asked if I had seen anything..and I said "nothing" well "nothing relevant" and walked away. I never did tell you what I saw that day did I? I saw everything- everything that mattered. After that it was a few days later that everything got scary, what with the Michael and me stuff that was going on. I flung myself into our relationship...I wasn't ready then...I wasn't prepared for the feelings I would have. That you would make me have. Can I confess something to you? Just between us? It was scary how you made me feel. You somehow kept melting little holes in my ice princess persona, especially around my heart and that was scary. I know it sounds pathetic but, if you spend a lifetime keeping people on the outside so that you aren't exposed then..when someone manages to squeeze past the barriers it leaves you..vulnerable. It can leave you..scared. I have no idea if you know what I mean..I'm probably not even making sense anymore. It's late; my mom has already been in here 3 times. I know she's worried about me..she knows that my persona is just that. A facade that hides the real me. No one will ever see me like you.

Anyway where was I before I started my little rant? Yeah, it was scary our relationship and that's why I pushed you away. And ran straight towards Grant. Grant was never you, and never could be and that made him "safe" to be with. It also helped that he never knew anything about me..he never knew...me, I guess. How much did I hurt you when I did that? You know that I still hate myself for that, don't you? I never wanted to hurt you. I just wanted to protect myself. Of course, you handled it well. You went to another continent and got a Swedish girlfriend. When you came back, I was so jealous and, this is going to sound really hypocritical and self obsessed, I was upset that you had met someone else. Now THAT is pathetic don’t you think? Can I ask a question and you don't need to answer me, but...did you think of me at all when you were with her? I shouldn't have asked, especially as we're back together now, I mean...you chose me.
You chose me and I chose you. We chose each other. You know I love those words, they say everything about us. Oh damn here's my mom again..be back in a second.

Did I mention that I was going to tell her? Yeah, Max..still doesn't agree but..Valenti knows. I'm pretty sure that Mrs De Luca knows something. Why should my mom be the only one who's kept in the dark? She's been great..especially the last few weeks. I don't know how things would have went if it wasn't for you two...well, I guess you've been a bit M.I.A. not that I'm blaming you. That was the wrong thing to say, please forget that I said that..it was silly and selfish of me. It's just, things were going so well and then you disappear on me. I was so angry to begin with, not with you though, just with….the situation. I think I still am angry. Is that terrible? I don't know anymore...I don't think I know anything anymore.

Hey, I almost forgot. Did you know that Max and Liz got back together? Looks like they finally gained a little bit of perspective huh? Michael and Maria are currently "on" at the moment. I know what you're thinking Alex Charles Whitman.."For how long this time?" right? Well it's been what…4 weeks 3 days since... and they're still going. I figure that maybe they'll try and stick it out this time. I don't think they need another emotional drama at the moment. Kyle and Tess are still working on the "platonic" relationship. That will never last. There is too much chemistry between those two and both of them deserve a little happiness, don't you think? So life for the other Roswell couples are going great. Who says God doesn't work in mysterious ways? God...he certainly has a screwed up concept sometimes doesn’t he? I'm sorry, I sound bitter again right? And still angry? It's just..just..sometimes..I don't know what I mean. Things happen for a reason, that’s what they said in that film right? You know your "destiny" (I can't believe I just wrote that word!) is planned for you and no matter what decisions you make you will fulfil it at one point. Just sometimes it will be...quicker than if you had made different choices. Do you know what I mean? And no, I’m not talking about the screwed up destiny, I mean..real destiny...the destiny we'll have. Someday.

I was also thinking about the night we got together, do you remember that? Of course you do. It was perfect. One of the few “perfect” nights of my life, I don’t know if there will be many more now. Or ever again. I miss you so much Alex…why’d you leave me?

I’m sorry…I’m sorry. I know that I promised not to cry, it’s..it’s just so hard sometimes. Sometimes, I just miss you too much. Thank you, for everything. For listening to me and providing me a shoulder to cry on. I really need you, I just wish you were here. Here with me, here right now. You read those stories about people coming back all the time..will you do that? Show up at my room door one night and give me that irresistible smile of yours expecting me to run over and hug you? I think I’d break the world land speed record getting over to you. Never mind just hugging you..I’m sure we’d get up to more than that…of course you’d have to fight off my mom and dad. And Max..he’d probably kill you. I can imagine their faces, the shock and Max's insistence that it wasn’t real. It would be classic. But it would be worth it; it would be worth everything, if you were back here. Back here with me.

You know what I’ve been listening to? You’ll think this is really needy but I’m going to blame you for it. Can you remember last year during the heatwave..before you knew about us? I visited your dream and I saw you dancing with me. It was the first time I realised how special you were. Anyway, I found the song that “we” danced to that night. It said everything about us then. Now? I think I might have finally “let you in” don’t you? If I didn’t then it wouldn’t hurt as much as it does would it?

Oh oh, that was Max’s alarm. That must mean it’s 6am. He’ll be in just now “to see if I’m ok.” I better go and put on my “happy” face and he’ll never know. No one will ever know because I won’t let them get too close. If the world didn’t rely on us I think I’d come to find you but they need my help. I know it would be wrong anyway but I can’t help my feelings… I know the pain isn’t supposed to last, it’s supposed to get better. I think Max blames himself, for not being there, for not getting there in time. In truth? I think at first I blamed him as well. He could save Liz and Kyle why didn’t he get there in time? I soon got over that though, he was so hurt and well, I didn’t have the energy to blame him…I hurt too much. Do you know when it’ll stop hurting? Why did I have to lose you just when things where so good? Why did it have to be you? Why does it have to be forever without you?

As predicted Max is at my door, I’ll just shove my makeup on, the benefits of being an alien. I look good, you’d be proud of me...you can’t even see the tear tracks or my red eyes now. I practice a smile in the mirror..I’ve got to look happy for them. They’ve got to see that “I'm doing great.” That I’ve recovered. That I can live again. There, you see? The “ice princess” persona is actually useful isn’t it? I can let them see what they want to no matter how wrong it is.

I better go or he’ll barge the door down on me. I’ll speak to you tonight again probably. I would never have got through this without you. I promise I’ll visit you soon. Please wait for me.
Yours Forever.

Always Isabel
xxx xxx

Please let me know what you think*happy*

Marianne*bounce*

[ edited 6 time(s), last at 2-Nov-2001 10:59:06 PM ]
posted on 21-Oct-2001 11:51:03 AM
Hi eveyone*happy*

Here's the next letter, I hope you all will let me know what you think of it. Thank you so much to you all who feedbacked, I really appreciate any and all FB*happy*

This letter is from Maria, please let me know what you think*happy*

A Letter To Alex...Love Maria

Hi Alex,
How’s it going? I can’t believe I am even writing this, truth be told it’s really my mom’s idea, I mean come on, this is crazy even for me. She doesn’t seem to think I’m handling it that well and I’ll admit that at first I couldn’t really deal but now? Now I think I’m doing much better…no, I KNOW I’m doing better! Anyway my mother seems to think that I would handle it a little better if I said goodbye and got a little "closure" as she puts it. Between you and me I think she's been watching too many talk shows on how to deal with...crummy life twists that occur. Whatever! So here's my goodbye..the only way I can, in a letter.

Goodbye, that’s…such a strange word don’t you think? The fact that you won’t see anyone again shouldn’t be considered “good” should it? The fact that no matter how many times you say it in your life there will never be anything harder to say than when you say it for the last time to someone. When you say goodbye forever. I’ve never had anything hurt as badly as having to say goodbye to you. How’d we get here Alex? How can things go from being so great to being so unbearable in the space of a minute? I mean, Michael and me were going so well and you and Isabel, well you finally got through to her didn't you? I’d never seen the pair of you so happy. I mean Alex, come on, she was actually giggling at one point..I mean Isabel? Giggling? I know it had taken a while to get through to her but when it happened for the pair of you, it really happened. Love, it’s the greatest isn’t it? If only it didn’t cause so much pain. Michael has been the best though, I mean he has been so great. You’d be surprised, I know you would at how great he’s been. You never really wanted me to be with him after the whole Courtney thing did you? You know, he told me what you did that night you found me crying at the Crashdown. You didn’t let him get away with hurting me did you? Of course you didn’t..you wouldn’t let any of “your girls” get hurt. Loyal to a fault. Who’s going to look after us now? Who is going to protect me and Liz from our guys screwing us over, who's going to make Isabel and..I guess even Tess, see how much better things are when they let themselves open up to someone? Who can ever replace you? No one, you're irreplaceable. You're too special. There will never be anyone like you!

Don't think that I'm not angry with you though Whitman! I mean...you totally screwed everything up with your "disappearing act". Our nice human to czeck ratio worked REALLY well. You know 8 people split into 3 couples, 1 going to be couple plus 1 human "protector" kinda guy. Now we're stuck, we have 7 people plus 1 human "protector" kinda guy. There's no ratio there...it just shows that the number is...odd. Odd because it shouldn't be like that, it should be..it should've stayed the same. I don't like odd..I don't like that we're different now without you, I want it to be back to normal. I want you here. We all want you here; nothing feels right without you.

Oh god, I cannot believe that I am crying to a stupid letter..don't you dare laugh Alex, it's not funny and I am still mad at you..a little anyway. Do you want to know how the others are doing? Of course you do..besides I've already started to write it so it's too late to stop me. ok...who to start with? Well, I guess it's only fair to start with Liz considering she is our best friend right? Liz, is doing ok I think. She had a hard time dealing with it at first, we all did of course but she..she had a feeling you left something important behind. She still has it and although she doesn't talk to me about it I know that she is still trying to work out how you left..and why. She'll be ok though..she has my "girlfriend" looking after her. Yeah, she and Max got back together..again. Seriously they are getting as bad as me and Michael..you know they break up, they mope, they talk about "destiny", they become "just good friends" and then they get back together before starting the whole thing over again. Max didn't take it well, you know. He blamed himself, he thought he should have been able to do something…he thought he should have been able to “fix” things. No one would have been able to fix it though, no one. As I said before Michael has surprised even me. He has been my support, I wouldn’t have handled this nearly as well without him. On a plus note though, him and my mom have finally reached an understanding. My mom now knows that he isn’t just using me..she knows that he loves me and that I love him. She said that he’s welcome here anytime..obviously as long as it isn’t in my room in the middle of the night. Kyle hasn’t really talked about his feelings much, he keeps talking about the time you both were captured and you were both singing American Pie? Now, please tell me that it was Kyle’s idea…please tell me that you didn’t choose that song. I think he’s so busy being a rock for Tess that he really hasn’t been able to work on his own feelings, it’s just sometimes you get a feeling that he doesn’t know how to react. His dad didn’t take it well either, he figures he should have “looked after” you better. He’s been really protective of us all since..since you left. Tess, hasn’t been doing that well. You were the first human that she really cared about to di… to leave her. She wasn’t prepared for how she would feel when someone who cared about her disappeared. I don’t blame her, I’ve had plenty of people leave but none of them made me feel like this..none of them made me feel so…empty. Isabel took it the worst, obviously, she definitely had it bad for you Alex, who would have thought you would have dated the most popular girl in school? I mean, Liz and me always knew how great you were..but Izzy? I just didn’t see it happening. Anyway, she seems to be doing great now, you know she comes to school, makeup perfect and with her usual put-downs to the “lesser beings” of the school. Although Max says that he sometimes hears her crying at night and he doesn’t think she’s been sleeping that well. I’m sure she’s doing ok though..I mean, she’s Isabel, untouchable. She’s fine.

Oh, I nearly forgot, I’ve left The Whits. No, I’m not mad, and I’m not being silly; it just didn’t feel right to be there without you. It was your band remember? Truth be told, very few things feel right without you. Me and Liz talking after closing The Crashdown doesn’t feel right, having lunch in the quad doesn’t feel right and…and..laughing and..smiling doesn’t feel right without you there. Why did you leave us Alex? Why..why can’t you comeback? Why couldn’t one of the aliens have a power where they twitched their noses and turned back time? Why couldn’t I say goodbye?…..

I have to go Alex, Michael’s here. Dammit, he’s going to see me crying again. I don’t know what I’m going to do with this. My mom didn’t say what I should do with it. Well I wrote this for a reason right so I guess I should say it then. Ok..I love you Alex, I miss you, I’ll miss you always..and I mean that and I didn’t mean it when I said I was angry with you. I’m not, I swear...I never could be. I’ve got to go. I’ll see you soon.

Love and kisses forever!
Maria

Ps…goodbye Alex...be safe until I see you again.

I hope you all will tell me what you think*happy*

Marianne*bounce*
posted on 22-Oct-2001 7:48:37 PM
Hi all *waves*

Well, I would first of all like to say thank you to all the people who have feedbacked the fic. You guys are the best. Now, as I said right at the beginning of my first post, this was written before CYN and was FINISHED before Departure...so please take that into account when you are reading this letter as it's from Tess. As I said, take it as a AU fic please*happy*

Anyway, please let me know what you think and hopefully, if the writers hadn't screwed up in the S2 eppy's this is kinda like how Tess would have reacted. (We all know Tess ISN'T evil!!!!!!!!!!!!)

A Letter To Alex...Love Tess.

Hey Alex,
Bet I’m the last person you expected to hear from aren’t I? Why am I even bothering you I bet you’re asking yourself…truth be told you can blame Maria…or a bit more accurately, Maria’s mom. See she came round to see us, I mean to see Jim, and she mentioned that she had got Maria to write to you. She said that she thought it would help her say stuff…that maybe she wishes she would have said earlier. Like stuff she should have said before it was too late. Do you know what I mean? No, I don’t suppose I’m making much sense to you…hell I’m not making much sense to myself let alone to you. I guess why I’m writing this Alex is because…I still have things to say; things I should have said before.

Wow, this is hard. I know what you’re probably thinking: “this isn’t the same Tess Harding that screwed up everyone’s life is it?” Is that still what you think of me? You know:

“Oh Oh here comes Tess “destiny, destiny” Harding…quick hide before she messes up our lives again!”

I hope that you eventually saw past that. I think you did, I think you saw that I was just a girl with a..a genetic quirk I guess you could say. I didn't know the harm I was doing when I first came, I didn't really care then. I do now though, I know that I hurt all my friends when I showed up here. Were we friends Alex? Are we friends? I think you were my friend..I could trust you with my life I know that but..what did you think of me? Will I always be the girl that always walked in on you and Isabel (believe me when I say that MOST of that was accidental) or will I be the girl that broke Liz's heart? Will you always see me as the manipulator that came here on a mission and to hell with the consequences of you, Liz, Maria, and Kyle? For some reason, I don't..feel..like that's how you see me. I think you see me as a scared girl, with hopes and dreams like all of you, but also with memories of a life that isn't mine with a man that I don't want to love. Do you understand that I hate the stupid destiny word as much as you all? Maybe not, I don't know if any of you really understand me yet...maybe if we had a little more time you would have really liked me. Maybe as much as I liked you.

You know I wasn't prepared for feeling this way, I knew that one day it would happen...to us all, I mean when we get right down to basics, we are all still human. Well, mostly human. But the thing is I wasn't ready for it to be so soon, or for it to feel like this. When I lost Nasedo, it hurt. For all intents and purposes he was my dad, albeit he wouldn't have won Father of the Year, but he was the one that looked after me. Anyway, it hurt but, in a way I knew that it would eventually happen because we were always hunted..what I mean is that I knew I would lose him and I was a little prepared. I don't know if that sounds right but I knew that one day he wouldn't be able to come back to look after me. I was kinda ready for it.

I wasn't prepared for this though, no one was. I don't even know how to explain this..feeling I have. I feel...empty. Not hollow but like there's something missing, like there's something not right. I realised what it was..it was you. I guess I miss you and I hurt because you're not here. We never really knew each other that well and I regret that. I regret a lot of things that I should have done sooner..and things that I shouldn't have done at all.

I cannot believe I'm even doing this, bearing my soul in a letter to you. This whole thing was a stupid idea. I should go. Actually no, no I can't go yet. I need to ask you something Alex and..and I want you to be truthful...please, even if you think it'll be hard to hear. Is it my fault that this happened Alex? Did it happen because of me? Did I somehow do this to you? No, I'm not being paranoid Alex, it's just...if I hadn't come to Roswell, they wouldn't have found out how to work the stupid orbs, which wouldn't have alerted the skins and the clones about us and..and you know, you would..still be here. Right? Did I..did I ruin your life, all of your lives, just by showing up? Would the 6 of you still be alive and well, playing out your relationships if I wasn't here? You would all be able to be high school kids again without me here. Would Kyle be dating some blonde bimbo cheerleader totally oblivious to who we are and still quietly pining for Liz. He wouldn't know anything and he wouldn't be in danger anymore...I was so scared that something had happened to him when you two disappeared. I..I don't know how I'd cope if something happened to him especially if he didn't know that I'm in lov...no. No! I don't love him, I care for him, he's my best friend and I love him as a friend..that's all. I'm not in love with him...I'm supposed to love Max...not a human.

And you're supposed to be here.

You know that everyone's doing ok don't you? I'm not going to bore you with a rundown but it was hard at first, for us all, but especially for Isabel, Maria and Liz. Liz, still hasn't really accepted it I don't think. She thinks you were trying to tell her something with that code thing. Were you? It doesn't really matter I don't think. Not now. I can't really resent her and Max being together now after everything she's been through. I wish I was closer to her, maybe I would have been able to help. Can I tell you something that I really want? I wish..I wish that they would all talk to me about the important stuff. I don't just mean "oh no an alien!" or "show me how to do this with my powers." I mean the important stuff..like, what they dream or what they feel. Or stuff they done when they were 10 and the silly stuff they used to do with their parents. Max talks to me a lot but not about any of that stuff..that stuff he keeps to himself or he tells Liz. He never tells me. Kyle is the only one that tells me everything, more or less, he knows more about me than even my apparent "destiny" does. I guess we all connect with some people easier than we do with others, Kyle and me, Max and Liz, Maria and Michael, Isabel and you. What a group of people. What a group of...friends. Together: unbeatable. That's how it felt...even if it was only for a little while.

Oh oh, I hear the Valenti men, back from where ever they were. I better finish this before Kyle comes in so he won't see what I've been up to. He'd hate to know I was crying here by myself so he doesn't have to know. He has to know somethings but this has to be private; he can't stop this pain and I don't think I want him to...it means I'm normal right? I know things will be great for us all Alex...eventually. We all just need time. Even me.

I've got to Alex but I hope that you maybe know me a little better now. I just wish that I knew what you thought of me. Someday, we'll meet up again and you'll tell me what you really think of me ok? That's a date then! (But don't tell Isabel, I think she would start to hate me again.) Be safe Alex, and keep an eye out for us all. We all need a friend..especially me.

Bye Alex.

Love,
Your friend.
Tess.

Please let me know whast you think*happy*

Marianne*bounce*
posted on 24-Oct-2001 8:36:29 PM
Hey guys*happy*

Thank you so so SO much for the great feedback, I am so glad that you all took the Tess letter in the AU sense. *sigh* I misss Tess:( But after last nights eppy I miss Alex even more *sniff* I really want my Alex back and happy and alive:(

Anyway, here's the next letter, Liz. The guys are next*happy*

Please, let me know what you think, you know, whether you like it or not*happy*

A Letter to Alex...Love Liz

Hi Alex,
Well, this is certainly new. I don't usually write to other people- everything I write is usually in my journal...this feel's wrong in a way. Of course it feels wrong because I should be able to call you up and tell you this but since I can't do that...this will have to do. How are you? Things here are going ok, you know...stumbling along - life goes on right? That's what they say- no matter how bad things are you have to keep going. If you go far enough the pain eventually..it's supposed to stop. That's right isn't it? Do you know how far I'll have to go Alex for that to happen? It's hard to see any of us lasting that long. It's hard to see me lasting too much longer...but I will. I promise you I will.

I keep asking myself why? You know I'm a science geek- you and Maria made fun of me often enough about that. And like all science geeks- I like answers...I need answers for this Alex. Why did it happen? Why did you have to leave? What did you mean with the message you left me? Why was it important? Will you ever tell us? Everyone thinks I'm crazy thinking that you left something important behind, I don't talk to them about it anymore. I’ll work it out though Alex..I swear to you I will. I don't know why I find it so important; that's a lie, I do know. I think..no. Think is the wrong word, I know it's crazy. But I feel..I hope that if I work this out then it will all be over, and it will be some...misunderstanding. God, that sounds lame. What I mean is that if I work on this and it turns out to be some crazy evil alien "hoax"...you'd come back..right? It wouldn't be real and you would be here. That's possible isn't it? Oh god...seeing it on paper...I sound so..pathetic. It sounds like I can't accept it..I guess I can't.

It's just, this doesn't feel like it was supposed to happen..there must be another reason this happened.

My mom and dad miss you. My dad says that he feels weird not seeing you sitting at the counter waiting on Maria and me to finish our shifts..he feels weird? He should try being Maria or me. Hey, do you remember that time when we were..I don't know 11 or 12 and we "broke into" the Crashdown in the middle of the night? You, Maria and me decided to have a mid night snack when my parents were in bed. We couldn't work anything but we wanted a milkshake so we decided that it would be easy 'cause we had seen it done so often. I remember after a dozen failed attempts my mom and dad came down looking for burglars and found us with these extravagantly flavoured milkshakes all over the place.... and all over us. We were determined we could create a new flavour, do you remember? Maria had banana and strawberry, you had chocolate and strawberry and I tried a vanilla and strawberry. Uggh, I still feel ill thinking about it...we were all sick for days and we were forced to clean the whole place everyday after school for a week...I can't believe me and Maria still decided to work there after that. Come to think about it, I'm not surprised that you stuck to soda after that, it should have put us all off milkshakes for life.

The Crashdown...the place we spent most of our time...it's not the same with you not here. We haven't really eaten at there in a while...it's still too strange. It's too strange for all of us.

Hey, do you want some good news? Well, kinda good news. Tess and me have been getting on a lot better recently. She..has actually been really sweet to me and Maria. She..it's hard to hate her now. Even though I know she's still trying to get her claws into Max...I think. I don't know, sometimes I see her with Kyle and I see how good they are for each other and then she gives Max this look that shows how much she wants him. I don't know what she's thinking; maybe you've got a better insight. What does Tess Harding want in life? Do you know that Max and me got back together, are you surprised? I umm, I told him about the whole "future" thing. He took it well..I think. It feels so right with us together..it's so hard to explain. He, he makes me feel invincible, like he won't let anything hurt me again. I really needed to feel like that. He's still worried about Isabel; she didn't take it well. She's seemed a lot better recently though, but every now and then you'll look at her and she'll just be "different". Then a second later and she'll look fina again. You'd be able to tell when it was an act though wouldn't you? You could see right past her defences...she trusts you with her heart. She hasn't really spoken to anyone else about how she's feeling. She doesn't realise that we can't help her if she doesn't let us in.

Maria had a hard time dealing with it at first. Michael actually helped her through it..they two are solid at the moment. Finally. Nothing’s going to come between them in a while...hopefully. She wouldn't be able to handle it I don’t think. Truth be told, I don’t think I’ve been much of a friend to her recently. She’s needed me and I..I haven’t really been around for her. I’ll fix that soon though, life’s too short for regrets..right? That’s what I keep telling myself. That’s why I told Max the truth…if I lost him and he didn’t know I would hate myself. I sometimes think that maybe, if I hadn’t changed things like I did, everything would be good. If I had been honest with Max earlier or if we had taken our chances with the cards we had been dealt without trying to change things..maybe, just maybe things would have been different. Don’t you think? I wish I could turn back time, I would have done so much differently. I would never have lied to you..EVER. I would never have jeopardised our friendship for anything. For anyone! I would have made sure you knew how much I needed you…you always made me feel better. You always made us all feel better. Who’s going to do that now? No one will ever be you!

Dammit, I better go it's nearly time for school. The thought of that place is horrible; I can’t wait until summer comes. I need to escape from here for a few weeks…I think we all do. Where do you think we should go? Anywhere but Vegas again! I’m still recovering from the first trip! I’ve got to go but I still have so much I want to say, it’s just hard to find the words. I’m sure you know. Don’t you?

I have to go Max is here. I promise you I’ll find out what you wanted me to know Alex and...I know I didn’t really treat you like it all the time but you really were one of the most important people in my life. I really miss you. I always will!

Everyday.

Forever.

I’ll speak to you soon, look after yourself!

Love you forever
Liz
xxx

Please let me know what you think*happy* Good or bad

Marianne*bounce*
posted on 31-Oct-2001 8:37:31 PM
Hiya*happy*
Just wanted to post the next part of this up*happy* It's from Max*happy*

Thanks so much to everyone who left feedback, I really appreciate it so please feel free to leave more, even if it's of the critism variety*happy*

Hope you enjoy*happy*

A Letter To Alex...From Max

Hey Alex,
How’s it going? It’s only me. I’m just checking, you know to see that you’re ok…that everything is alright. Is it? Things here are ok…we’re all working towards getting back on a “even-keel” so to speak. We’re doing ok, we will be ok. We’ll all be fine, I’m making sure of it. You don’t need to worry.

My mom’s been really worried about Isabel…so have I been. She’s pretending that she’s doing ok..but I hear her crying in her room every night. I know that she’s putting up a front for the others. I know that her heart has been broken. I know how unbearable things are for her- if I had lost Liz; I would feel the same. Not that I’d want it to be you. Please don’t think that, I would give anything for you to come back. I didn’t mean that to sound like it did. I’m sorry. This is why before we met you all we always said we shouldn't let anyone get close. Of course you all came along and made that impossible. You do know it’s scary how you all made us feel? Our lives would have been so empty without you in it…who was it that said that we ruined it for you all? Probably Maria…it sounds like something she’d say, but if we didn’t have you all: we wouldn’t be the same people…we wouldn’t be as happy. Even Michael and Tess, I mean as much as Michael is a pain in the ass just now…he was 100% worse before him and Maria got together. And I know that Tess finally feels like a part of a family at the Valenti’s, she doesn’t know that no one is buying the “brother and sister” act that her and Kyle are pulling.

It’s funny, if I had to pick any man on the planet for Isabel to be in love with…hell, if I had to pick any man in the universe for her to be in love with- I would have chosen you every time. I mean, you’re funny, you’re selfless, the girls all say you’re “cute” (sorry, but I’m not going to comment on that one.)…and you love her, despite everything. But despite everything, despite how right you are for her and how right she is for you..it wasn’t meant to be. “Meant to be”..I never thought I’d be saying those words, the words of destiny. It’s funny I never bought into the “destiny” thing but I used to believe in fate: I believed that it was fate that made me be there to save Liz that day at the Crashdown. I believed that it was fate that made us find Michael after losing him in the desert and I believed that it was fate that made us all meet up. I believed fate was responsible for everything good in our lives and even some of the harder things. But now? Now I hate fate…it’s worse than destiny. Fate made you leave us- even destiny didn't cause that to happen.

I've been thinking a lot about how things have changed. It’s funny the things that can change in the space of a year isn’t it? I mean who would have thought last year that Liz and Tess would be friends? Sort of friends anyway. Who would have thought that Michael would be the one to commit to Maria? Who would have thought that you and Izzy would be dating and she would admit to loving you? This time last year we had just met up with Tess and Nasedo. Kyle and his dad didn't know about us and the sheriff was still hunting us..kind of anyway. Pierce..was closing in on us...closing in on me. And we hadn't even got the message from the orbs yet. Three happy couples plus Tess and Nasedo. Then everything got screwed up. Of course then things worked themselves out, you and Izzy, Michael and Maria. Tess got a family and I had a weird relationship with Liz. But we were mostly happy. For the first time in a long time. Then things fell apart...again. Like I said, it’s funny…or is the word ironic? You know- things are good for a second, things you’ve waited a lifetime for before they irreparably fall apart? Hmm, I don’t know what the best word to describe it is. Actually I do…Tragic.

I wish we had spent a little more time together, just the two of us. I don't think I can remember the last real conversation we had, which is sad. For me anyway, I mean technically I owe you my life. I owe all of you my life but you especially. You helped me even though you didn't know me or even trust me. I don't think I would have done that for someone my best friends were lying to protect. You always were different that way. Loyal to a fault...ok, loyalty isn't really a fault but I think you know what I mean. To protect us you would do just about anything wouldn't you? First the blood sample, then exposing Topolsky and then..then you did that..that last thing you did... Was that to protect us? Liz knows that something wasn't right...I don't know what to think. But if it was to protect us..it was stupid. We would have worked it out; we would have somehow helped you. Whyever you did it it doesn't matter. All that matters is I could...no, I SHOULD have helped you. I should have been faster getting therefor you; I was for Liz. And for Kyle. Why couldn't I have been faster for you? I'm sorry, this is turning into a one-man pity show, I’ll stop. What was I saying? Oh yes..the last real conversation we had. I think I remember it, we were at the quad at lunch before the others arrived and you asked me about the Liz/Tess thing. I don't think I gave you a straight answer and I remember you said I should stop messing about with Liz and Tess' emotions..and to just pick one of them because they both deserved better. You said it would help the three of us move on. I think I gave you an exasperated "I know I know, you're right" before the others arrived and the conversation topic changed. I did think about what you said though and I tried to make a choice. I didn't know about the "future" thing then. I just knew that Tess cared for me and would never betray me like Liz apparently had. Tess was tempting only because I didn't want to love Liz anymore (not that I was successful). I treated Tess badly..and you were right she deserves better. I'm not saying Kyle's perfect but he would never hurt her or let anyone else hurt her. You wouldn't let anyone hurt her either even though you never said anything to her. I guess she was finally accepted.

Oh no, there's Isabel crying again. Another nightmare I think. I would go but she doesn't let me in anymore. I can't stop the nightmares she's having or help her stop crying like I used to. She won't let me. I don't know if it's because she blames me or if it's because she's frightened of letting anyone get to close in case her carefully crafted facade crumbles. Don't worry, my mom's away in to her room again. She'll get her through it. I've actually been thinking about telling my mom everything, I think Isabel needs her just now, and because she has to hold back it's making it harder for her. Michael wouldn't like it, but in truth? I don't care, he doesn't know how hard it is for her..how hard it is for us. She needs her mother...we both need our mother. Now, more than ever.

I never even noticed the time I better go. I promised Liz that I'd pick her up for school tomorrow. See Alex, I took your advice, I made my choice. I chose love over destiny. And I think we're all happier because of it. Thank you for that advice. Thank you for everything.

I don't know how to end this..."goodbye" is final, "see you" is corny.."love" is too weird. I think I've been spending too much time with Maria, I'm beginning to write my thoughts down on paper-, which is just strange. I really have to go now. Keep yourself safe Alex, all of us will see you soon, try not to forget about us...not even Kyle, (even though you might want to. Just kidding...)

Bye.

Max Evans

Let me know what you think*happy*

Marianne *bounce*
posted on 2-Nov-2001 10:57:55 PM
Hi guys*happy*

Wow, I am so happy that so many of you liked the last letter so thank you all so much for all the really nice things you said*happy*

I thought it would only be fair to post the next letter and let you guys read it, I hope you will all let me know what you think of it as well.

Thanks again*happy*

A Letter To Alex...From Kyle

Hey Whitman,
How’s it going? I’m not going to pretend I know why I’m writing this…I found a letter Tess had written to you and it seemed like a good idea. Now that I’m actually writing it though I’m not so sure. What do you say to a person who will never tell you exactly what they thought about this stupid letter that you wrote them? What do you say to a person who never said what they thought about you? Man, this is stupid…it made so much sense for Tess to do it but then again, she’s a girl, even if she is a ”you know what” kinda girl. She’s in touch with her feelings and stuff and as much as I like to play the sensitivity card…I am not that great at this stuff. You on the other hand, my friend, spent too much time around women not to pick up a few tips so, in your opinion, just between us, what’s the best way to proceed? Do I go straight to the point or do I candy coat it with a few titbits of useless information? You don’t know either? Great…well I guess I’m on my own…again.

Okay…I guess I should just get to the point and work from there right? Whoo…well I guess I just wanted to say that, that you screwed up…big time. You were the only human guy I could talk to about the whole “not of this earth” junk. I mean, I could talk to dad but you are the only other guy who was in a relationship with an alien. Not that Tess and me are in a relationship, so to speak. I told her I thought of her as a sister: I lied. See I was being the “sensitive” guy, I know she’s still hung up on Max so she does not need a HUMAN guy chasing after her just now when she can have a king. Maybe when she gets over him we’ll have a shot, but just now I just want to look after her and make sure she knows she can talk to me about anything. Besides, I don’t think I could handle losing another girl I care about to Max Evans, I have too much pride for that to happen again.

But don’t think that doesn’t mean I won’t kill him if he hurts her.

Anyway, I digress (I think I’ve been picking up Liz words…) what I mean is that you had Isabel..who, no matter how you look at it, treated you like crap for a year…with the whole “lets just be friends” and “I can’t be with anyone just now” stuff she pulled before you both got back together. I guess what I wish I knew is how did you handle it? I know that you never stopped caring about her so how did you handle her going after other guys like you didn’t exist? I mean other than disappearing for 3 months to another continent. What I need is some tips on how to handle my “sibling” relationship. Maybe I should start dating a regular person…let her see that I don’t have a hang-up about her. What do you think? I don’t know…things were SO much simpler before I knew anything.

We were both kept in the dark about everything at first weren’t we? It must have hurt you a lot that your best friends wouldn’t confide in you. They were willing to lose your friendship before they were willing to lose Max’s. I mean it hurt me and I was just the “ex”. Maria said I was like a “stalker” for a few months after me and Liz broke up. I guess in hindsight I was a little obsessive, things just frustrated me. I knew something was going on and I thought that Max was getting Liz into trouble; I just wanted to protect her. Of course, now I know what was going on I can understand why they though I was a pain in the ass. I sometimes wish I never knew about it you know, but now it only lasts for about a second because, if I didn’t know, I wouldn’t have really got to know you all. Ok, that sounds corny, damn Amy De Luca for trying to turn the Valenti guys into “new men”- but what I mean is…now, despite the Max/tension thing, I finally have a group of people that trust me completely and who I can trust completely. I get to be myself with all of you, which is something I can’t be with my school friends. I mean if they found out I was a Buddhist- man, I would be strung up from the goal posts. Did you ever wish you didn’t know? I know that’s a stupid question- I mean because of knowing you ended up with the love of your life, right? Not only that but you also got a bunch of people who would do anything to protect you…Not that we did you a lot of good in the long run.

What’s it like being somewhere you don’t belong? Do you wish you could come back? I don’t know if this means much to you but I really wish we could see you again. I wish…. I wish that somehow we could turn back time. You know make things go back to how they should be. I’m trying to think of the point I’d go back to. I think it would be just after Vegas…although if I had any sense I would go back to Vegas and keep my $1600 I paid to get Evans and Guerin out of jail. Of course now Maria and Liz seem happy with them {it will last 6 weeks- max!} it seems harsh to resent them being here. Maybe it would even be after Vegas, that way you and Izzy would be together…see, I can be considerate sometimes. Isabel really misses you, you know, she’s trying to hide it but we all see it. It isn’t just her- they all miss you.

Umm, if I don’t say this now, I never will. The first time I can remember being in real pain was when my mom left. It wasn’t just the waking up one morning and realising she wasn’t coming back that hurt; it was the arguing for the months before that and then the silence for the two days before she left. But, it didn’t stop there, every time someone would talk about their parents, or they’d mention mothers day, or at Christmas- I’d always remember that my mother chose to leave me- and she didn’t even try to contact me. You divorce your spouse- not your child. Anyway, that isn’t really relevant, what I mean is that since I was begrudgingly accepted into the group, I’ve suddenly felt part of a type of family- complete with sisters (Liz, Maria and Isabel) and, even though I argue with them all the time, brothers. My dad and me are even closer now..I mean we went fishing and we’ve actually had some meaningful conversations? What I mean, god this is hard, when you left, I lost a person I considered family- I lost a brother. And that hurt. That still hurts.

I suck at this type of stuff, but what I, what I want to say is, I guess I miss you. I do miss you I mean.

Whoa, you know that if somehow you tell anyone this I’ll deny it all.

I’m going to go before I start blubbing like a girl. I’d never live that down. Be safe buddy, I’ll speak to you soon. I just need to go and destroy this incriminating evidence before Tess gets home.

Bye

Kyle Valenti

Well? Please let me know what you think*happy*

Marianne*bounce*