|posted on 15-Oct-2001 4:38:46 PM|
|Title: A Rose For Alex|
Author: Christina Conrader
Summary: A submission to the Roswell Daily Record puts things into prospective.
Spoilers: Cry Your Name
Disclaimer: I own the poem Pain Becomes Me, but that’s about it. The first quote comes from Middle of Yesterday by Our Lady Peace, the second quote comes from Life by Our Lady Peace, and the title comes from William Faulkner’s A Rose For Emily.
Author’s Notes: This story is a little piece of insomnia that tickled the back of my mind until I picked up a pen and wrote. The poem was written long before the story and was never actually intended for fiction, but it fit the story so I put it in. The songs I quoted are my two favorites from Our Lady Peace’s new album, Spiritual Machines. It’s a really good album and you should check it out.
No one can tell you when your time will come and when it does there’s nothing you can change that will prevent it or reverse it. Death is permanent. I think some of us forgot that yesterday. But who’s to say that the outcome couldn’t have been prevented long before? One step not taken, one car door left closed, one secret not learned.
And yet, “I’m standing in the middle of yesterday, when it all went wrong, where we made mistakes. I’m sorry for the things I forgot to say,” but it doesn’t seem okay. There’s a line that divides your friends now, drawn by the truest friend I’ve ever known. Which side do I choose? I suppose the answer for me would be neither. For the battle between the heart and mind is not easily won. I choose to mourn.
For each friend I have my offering. For you, my song. It’s something we can both carry through life and death. For your love, these words:
If it’s all the same to you
I’d rather lie and say I was happy all the time
Makes no difference at all
My heart still beats in my chest
But I’m not alive
I just try to deal
Wait for my next meal
While attempting not to feel
Anything at all
It makes no sense
Lines between reality and dreams are blurry
I try to get my with what I have
But I fail
– Pain Becomes Me
Though I doubt it summarizes her pain in even the smallest way. Next is my true friend. Your grey sweater that you left in my car one Sunday night after a movie, Coyote Ugly, I think. For your friend who did not have a Happy Birthday, your box of guitar picks and the and the sheet music for American Pie. For my ‘girlfriend,’ the one who blames himself, a copy of your rendition of various Counting Crows songs, including Long December on a burned CD. For the princess who never knew you well enough, your second favorite chess set, the one with the slightly melted black queen, a casualty of a science experiment with a Bunsen burner. And for my love, your forgiveness for everything he did to hurt me. I think he wanted that more that your Metallica baseball cap I gave you for your fourteenth birthday even though I hate Metallica.
I’d like to say that I know when the pain of losing you will start to fade, but the truth is, I don’t. Maybe a month, a year, a decade from now, I’ll wake up and it won’t hit me so hard, the fact that you’re gone, that is. Maybe I’ll be at peace for the first time since yesterday when I knew before I was told that you were really gone.
I send my love to you wherever you may be, A.W. and I’ll carry you in my heart always.
Your friend forever,
* * *
Six different pairs of eyes stared at the small blonde who was uncharacteristically quiet that evening. Who knew she was capable of such expression? Each of them knew their place in their friend’s heart, but they wondered about her place. What was her gift? Was it his stash of burned CDs by The Whits, or was it his lyrics book, or maybe his bass guitar he took so much pride in? No. It was a simple typed page of lyrics from a song he sang for her on a bad day last week. In bold were the words, “Life is waiting for you.”
* * *
Be kind. This is my first post on this board.