posted on 4-Mar-2002 3:34:59 PM
Author: Kari, aka Rapunzel, aka funkymonkey

Disclaimer: I don't own Roswell, as much as I wish I did. Also, the song "My Love Grows Deeper; Part 1" is sung by Nelly Furtado.....I don't own that either.

Rating: G

Note/Summary: This is post Chant Down Babylon, let's say by a couple days. This is written through Isabel's POV. Isabel reflects on Jesse knowing she's an alien and realizes she's not as over Alex as she thought she was. A special wish comes true...

*All italics are song lyrics!

******************************

Jesse knows about me. This is not the way I had imagined him finding out. And in a way, having Jesse know who I really am, what I really am, takes away from our relationship. I love Jesse, don’t get me wrong. But our relationship was special because to him, I was normal. To him, I was nothing more than his loving HUMAN wife.

Lately I had wanted him to know, yet I knew our relationship would change. And now there’s all this guilt that I can’t get rid of. He said what bothers him isn’t the fact I lied, but how good of a liar I’ve been.

I need to talk to someone about this. Someone who knows me and understands what I’m going through. Alex. And I know that he’s never come back, as a ghost. I realize he’s a figment of my imagination. Yet, he’s the only one I can talk to. (The only one I want.)

And what scares me most is the fact that although he’s dead, and although I’m married to Jesse, I am falling more in love with Alex.

When that fever hit me as I was recovering from my gunshot, I realized that Alex still means the world to me.

My love grows deeper every day and takes a little piece of me.
My love grows deeper every day and takes a little piece of me.
My love grows deeper every day, deep into the sea.
But takes a little piece of me, a little piece of me.


I’m lying in bed now, next to Jesse. He’s sleeping peacefully, unaware of what I’m going through. He thinks we’re ok, that we’re going to get through this. I told him I love being his wife. And I do, because I love him. But I don’t think I’m in love with him. Ok, I’ll admit it, we rushed into our marriage. I was so lost after Alex died and then Jesse came along and I felt like I was living again. I thought I was in love with him, but I think I was wrong. He was just the rope to pull me out of the deep abyss I’d stumbled into. He brought me back to reality, and for a short while, he made me forget that I’d lost Alex.

But I can’t forget anymore. I can’t deny how I feel. I need to face what I feel.

Oh it’s so beautiful out and I can’t see why we’re not allowed to be
Up in the sky with the birds counting the flowers.


I slowly get out of bed to start breakfast. I haven’t slept all night, and I’m still recovering from the gunshot. I know Jesse won’t want me out of bed, but I have to. The sun is shining and birds are twittering in the tree outside the window. Everything is sunny and cheerful, giving me hope. Hope for what? I don’t know, especially considering Alex is dead. I mean, it’s not like I can tell him how I feel, yet, I have hope.

I try to prepare french toast for Jesse, but as usual, it’s burned. Since he’s not in the kitchen yet, I decide to use my powers.

Oh my powers have failed me again when I can’t see beginning to end
And I try to test it again through the hours.


My powers don’t work. I’m weak and thinking of Alex has made me too happy, nervous, and jumpy to concentrate enough. Jesse comes in then and walks up to me, grabbing my hand, guiding me back to the bedroom. He says something about me being in bed, recovering and resting. I allow him to help me into the bed, pulling the blankets up to my chin. I smile weakly as he goes to make his own breakfast. Memories of Alex take over my mind.

I remember prom. Las Vegas. Him dressing as a policeman and stripping for my birthday. His attempts at flirting with me. When we went stargazing during the father/children camping trip.

Wandering stars in the blue could not be born because of you.
Wandering stars in the blue could not be born because of you.


A tear slips down my cheek and I hastily wipe it away, not wanting Jesse to see if he comes back in the room. He’d ask me what was wrong, he’d want to talk about it.

My love grows deeper every day but takes a little piece of me.
My love grows deeper every day what takes a little piece of me.


Jesse leaves for work, calling to me that he’ll be checking in on me throughout the day. As soon as I know he’s gone, I shuffle to the kitchen and make myself oatmeal. I eat in silence, trying to figure out what to do about my “Alex or Jesse?” predicament.

My love grows deeper every day, deep into the sea
But takes a little piece of me, a little piece of me.


I finish my oatmeal and wash out my bowl, deciding to go for a walk. I shouldn’t…if my friends or Max sees me, they’ll make me return to the apartment. I grab a jacket and slip my sneakers on, not caring that I’m still in pajamas. I walk outside and decide to head north.

Oh why can’t I be as green as the grass beneath my feet,
As fresh as the dew…hits the ground in the morning,
And not yellow like bumble bees, please take me off my knees.
I don’t wanna be red forever.


I continued walking and before I realize it, I’m in the cemetary, walking towards Alex’s grave. I try to stop myself, to force myself to walk back to the apartment, but it’s as if my legs aren’t a part of me. I keep walking, almost as if Alex is somehow calling to me. I sit next to his grave and stare blankly at the headstone. The tears fall, but I don’t try to stop them. I don’t want to. I need to cry. I need to get it all out. I haven’t cried for Alex in a long time, though I’ve wanted to.

Before I know it, it’s night, and I’m still at his grave. Jesse will be worried and I know I have to leave. But I’m waiting. For what, I’m not even sure, but I can feel it coming. I try not to think of Alex as I slowly stand. I need to think of Jesse. I need to think of me now. I have recovering to do, both physical and emotional.

I’ll be looking at the moon but I’ll be thinking of myself.
I’ve got me under my own skin, I don’t need nobody else.


I feel something, in the air. It’s cold, so cold. But even as I think this, it’s getting warmer. I feel safer.

I’ll be looking at the moon but I’ll be thinking of myself.
I’ve got me under my own skin, I do not need nobody else.


I look to the heavens and notice a shooting star. I make a wish. A wish to start anew, to do things differently.

Wandering stars in the blue could not be born because of you.
Wandering stars in the blue could not be born because of you.


As I finish making my wish, the heavens open up, the rain falling faster and harder than I’ve ever seen before. I gasp in surprise as I’m drenched immediately.

I turn and lightning flashes, blinding me. I can’t see, I can’t tell where I am.

If I could have sunlight in the palm of your hand I’d take the moonlight instead.
If I could have sunlight in the palm of your hand I’d take the moonlight instead.


I feel a strange tingling, like my whole body’s fallen asleep. I open my eyes and have to blink several times before I can believe it. I’m back at prom, in Alex’s arms, dancing. The way he’s looking at me, the way he’s holding me, reminds me of how much I always wanted to tell him I love him. But then he died…

I look around me and notice all my friends dancing together, exactly as it had originally happened. And then it hits me…

My love grows deeper every day but takes a little piece of me.
My love grows deeper every day but takes from me.
My love grows deeper every day, deep into the sea.
But takes a little piece of me, a little piece of me.


I’ve been given a change to relive it. My wish was granted. I can tell Alex I love him. I can stop Tess from finally killing Alex. I can be with Alex and have the life I want. Because my love grows deeper every day, and now I’ll be complete.

The End


posted on 5-Mar-2002 4:54:47 PM
Hey everyone, thanks for the feedback, I really appreciate it! Some of you mentioned me continuing this.....I'd do it, but I have too many other fics going now. This was only meant to be the one small part! Sorry, but I'm glad you liked it!

Kari