|posted on 10-Apr-2002 8:27:00 PM by Agentmyers|
Type: M/L CC
Disclaimer: Don't own them..Never will..Thanks for reminding me...
Hey guys, this is my first story, ever, so all I ask is that you be gentle...
I wonder when I had died. I don’t mean dying in the physical sense, because I’m still living and breathing. I mean what actually makes me me. At some point I had stopped actually living, and just started existing. I went through the motions, wake up, make polite conversation with my parents, attend school, and smile at the right people when that response was wanted, but I wasn’t there anymore.
I don’t think it was when I was shot. If anything, I had started living more then. I had found myself pulled into this magical world, where aliens were real, and I was involved with them. I spent my days helping them survive, running from the FBI and other crazy aliens, all the while falling in love with my own chocolate eyed alien. Back then, Max was my world. And I like to believe that I was his. It was then that we could spend hours just starring into each other’s eyes, content. We didn’t have to worry about destinies, and Tess, and other real world problems.
Maybe it was when we found their destinies that I disappeared. It probably really wasn’t then either, but it may have started somewhere around here. Losing yourself can’t really be something that happens instantaneously, can it? It probably occurred much slower, like an ice cube melting; you see it slowly disappearing, and then all of a sudden it isn’t there anymore. I was probably mostly still there, because I had a chance to catch my breath, when I went to Florida. I had that whole summer just to worry about me, and I didn’t have to have my nothing’s-wrong-face, because my aunt didn’t know any of my faces. I was able to just pretend that everything that had happened was just a dream, and that I was a normal girl. But right when I came back everything fell apart again.
Sure, Max and I had a little while for our relationship to get back on its feet. It was just when things were going great that Future Max showed up. Did you know that the definition of insanity is repeating something over and over again and expecting different results? You’d think that once things start going good I would be weary, because that is always when awful things happen, but I still get knocked off my feet every time. I was so angry that Future Max cam back and made me do that. But, I didn’t say anything, because the weight of the world rested on shoulders. What was I going to say-No, Max, I don’t care if Michael and Isabel die because I love just breathing the same air as you? I think not. So, I sucked it up, and destroyed my life.
I’m sure it was around that time that I was losing huge chunks of myself. Helping Tess, pretending that I didn’t want to be with Max anymore, and I was on my last string when I had to pretend to sleep with Kyle. Seeing that look on Max’s face and hearing myself saying those words, it killed something in me. I remember after Max ran away, I just ran to the bathroom and threw up. Poor Kyle was so confused, but it wasn’t like I could just explain myself to him. I don’t know if I even could have. The world was starting to make no sense, and I doubt I could have even said anything half coherent.
There must have been some pieces of myself still left, though. Because I could feel every look that Max gave me inside of myself. Every time I saw Max and Tess together, there was something inside of me screaming.
It must have been when Alex died that I lost my last bit of me. Something just broke inside of me, and I lost it. I could actually see myself doing the crazy things that I was doing, but it wasn’t really me. I’m not even really sure how I was functioning; I just knew that I didn’t have the energy to affect anything part of the outside world.
I suppose it is a little selfish of me, but I wonder why no one noticed. I never really smiled anymore; I just didn’t have the energy. I guess my parents never really noticed because I had become a stranger long before this. When is it that parents stop being your entire world, and how does that go to them not even being included in your world anymore? I probably didn’t have a normal experience, what was I supposed to say to my parents when they asked how I was? Oh, I’m just great Mom, my alien boyfriend got his alien destiny pregnant because I told him to because a future version of himself came back and told me the future of mankind depends on me, and oh, by the way, I’m not sure if I’m even alive anymore. Yeah, so that was out of the picture.
It was kind of weird that none of my friends noticed wither, though. Didn’t seem a little weird that I was super detective girl all of a sudden? I had never done anything like that before, but I guess they were busy with their own lives. Oh, I don’t mean to sound bitter, ‘cause I’m not, I don’t really feel anything anymore. I’m glad that Maria was finally happy with Michael. She really deserved it, and he did too. They’re perfect for each other. Isabel had plenty of her own guilt to deal with. She had never really told Alex how she felt about him, but we all knew, including Alex. She just needs to realize that. Max had the most to worry about out of all of us. He had just sent his pregnant, murderous alien bride to his planet, losing his only way home in the process. If I had anything left in me I’d feel horrible for him, but I just don’t have anything left.
I now stare up at those rocks that just launched Tess back to their planet a couple of days ago. When she left we all went our separate ways. Michael and Maria left together, small smiles on their faces. Before, that would have made me really happy. Isabel left on her own, hugging herself as if she were cold. She had looked vindicated and lost at the same time. It was Max that made me think twice. He had had no expression on his face whatsoever. It was strange; his eyes that used to say hundreds of thoughts all at once were now blank. He followed Isabel, and left.
I can’t really remember if I left or not. All I know is that I’m here again, wondering what to do, if I can do anything anymore. I can hear the crunching of the gravel as the Jeep drives up to the area that I’m in. Max jumps out, walks over to where I am, and sits down next to me without saying a word. Minutes or hours pass before we say anything.
“I’m sorry, Liz.” Max whispers, and lightly grasps my hand. And I start crying.
Wait... I’m crying. That requires feeling, right? It has to. I feel a surge of hope race through my body. Maybe it will be Ok, somehow. I lightly squeeze Max’s hand, and we just sit there. And Feel.