posted on 18-May-2002 11:43:24 PM by E.T.
Title: Young Does Not Mean Perfect
Summary: AU. Adults often expect kids to have no worries. They think that just because the world is still small and limited, that nothing is supposed to be wrong. This is mostly on the difficulties of being misunderstood.
feeling misunderstood. (No aliens)
Author's notes: The Prologue is in Liz's POV, but the rest of the story is in the Third-person POV.
Disclaimer: Characters not mine. Just borrowing them for my amusement.

Prologue
Dear Whoever May Care,

Have you ever watched a movie everyday and have it forever burned into your mind?

Ever been given that same speech every week regardless of what you do? Given that same stare for days on end that you can even see it in your dreams?

They're doing it again. Whispering quietly while I lie here watching the lights make patterns on the white ceiling. Incoherent mumbles pass through the thin walls of the apartment.

They think I can't hear. That I'm asleep. That I'm in my dreams right now. But I'm not and I can hear their whispers. It's a daily ritual for them. When they think I'm asleep, they talk about me and my current "situation."

Something that sounds like my name shows up a bit to often and you know what else? They didn't seem to hear what I told them earlier.

They just carry own in their own world. Thinking how wonderful it is to be at this age where the world seems to be so perfect. Where I shouldn't be thinking about life, but having fun.

Yeah, I'm having the time of my life right now.

Why can't they get a clue? Why can't they understand that even at this age life isn't perfect, anymore? It's not the same. Not like when you were young and didn't know about things like death and murders and greed and anything else that makes the world go round.

They can't accept that I do have problems of my own. That I have my own theories of why life is a complete bitch. That I know they don't have the answers in life and no one does, but I still am dead set on trying to find these answers.

And mostly, they don't understand ME.

It's the one thing my parents and I can agree on. They don't understand me and it makes the three of us all the more angrier.

The breakdown of communication between the grown-ups and the semi-rebel of a teenager is filled with anger in this apartment. This anger that always unleashes itself at all the wrong times.

I blame them for it because they should know. They should know from their memories, just because you're young doesn't mean life doesn't have its share of problems.

Chapter 1
He didn't understand it. Couldn't understand what was wrong this morning, but he didn't have the energy to face the world today. He never did anyway, but it still surprised him.

He didn't have enough power to kick off the covers or turn the beeping alarm clock much less get out of bed. He wanted to hide from everything just for another moment. Just another peaceful moment in the sanctuary of his room. The safe feeling that came from being inside same four walls he'd lived inside for years. And the comfort of hiding under the covers, away from the reality that seemed to dash his dreams and hopes more everyday.

He waited for anybody to wake him up. Anybody to care that he was going to be late, but all he got was the alarm clock beeping. Warning him he was yet again going to be late for school.

He could almost see it. The look the teacher would give him. Another late marked into the book that held attendance record. Maybe even a detention because of the number of times he had gone to school late. But he wanted to wait longer. Just a little longer to see if anybody would care.

Nothing.

Throwing over the covers he rolled of the bed. Letting his body his the ground with a thud. Letting the pain vibrate through his body to wake him up.

To bring some energy into him. Pain had a way of doing that. Each time it was inflicted, it brought energy. Bringing some weird sense of control. That was the reason he was so great with contact sports. The pain brought him to life.

"Kyle, I'm leaving." A deep voice came from somewhere outside, but it arrived into his ears loud and clear.

The message behind the words echoed through his mind. A burning sensation came into his eyes as he listened to the car zoom off. The stinging tears helped to build yet another wall between him and his father.

"Thanks for caring" Kyle Valenti mumbled sarcastically under his breath as he trudged out of his room decorated by posters of sports stars. No matter how much he excelled in anything nobody important ever seemed to care.

* * *

She stared at the inch long crimson line just above her ankle. A blank look on her face as she watched blood pool. Calmness that only this act brought settled inside her. Making her feel safe in the world that seemed to be so against her. Bringing her down just when she felt OK.

Waking up, it had been the only thing in her mind. Sleep had not done anything to calm her down. If anything, it had set her off further. Almost close to edge and she couldn't seem to deal with it. The emotions raging against each other. Her mind set on so many different things that it made it all the more cluttered. Every sentence broken up by another one. Crashing into each other like in an accident concerning cars and the result was just the same: A complete mess.

The thought had popped into her mind before she could stop it. The razor in her hand before she could even let out another breath. The metal cutting just enough skin to make it bleed, but not enough to do permanent damage. It didn't matter that she had promised herself to stop. She couldn't so she just had to deal.

It was the only way to let the mess out. The only way she could handle the emotions that crashed inside her the way tidal waves hit land: With so much impact.

She reached down and wiped the blood away before placing a band-aid on it. An excuse already popping into her mind as she walked out of the bathroom. She decided on telling whoever asked that she had tripped. Skidding against the pavement after tripping on a sidewalk crack.

Throwing on the first T-shirt she found, a simple white shirt with the words Nike and underneath it its logo, and blue baggy jeans and pulling on her beat up old Air Jordans . She headed out the door feeling void of emotions and wondered for the umpteenth time since she could remember just why people thought she had a perfect life.

Liz Parker shook her head as she came up with an I don't know for an answer.

"Perfect life my ass!" She muttered turning her CD player on and placing the headsets on her head as she lost herself in the music that seemed to describe life.

---
I'm just trying to see if this idea is any good... So any thoughts on it?

[ edited 31time(s), last at 17-Sep-2002 8:46:35 PM ]
posted on 20-May-2002 10:04:38 PM by E.T.
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters

Chapter 2
He brushed back strands of jet black hair that fell in front of his eyes. His amber eyes scanning the floor as he trudged down the chaos filled halls with his head hanging low.

Nobody ever did notice him and maybe it was for the better that he was so invisible. That he was an outsider and had no connection to any of these worlds and lives in the narrow hallway of the school. Looking in from the outside wasn't so bad once one got used to it.

He stuck his head in his locker, trying to fish out a book to be used for the next subject when someone tapped him in the shoulder. His head snapped up immediately, the soft, tentative touch sending a jolt of something through him.

His blank expression immediately changed as he looked her up and down in her usual attire. Shirt, jeans, and old rotting sneakers.

"Hey, Liz." He smiled softly, enjoying just being in the presence of someone who paid him some attention. Someone who didn't just brush him off like a speck of scum and noticed his existance as more than just the quiet freak.

"You coming to hang out later?" She grinned. The smile on her face seemed contagious as he found himself wider too.

He nodded even though he hadn't asked to stay out after school. Not that it would matter anyway, nobody was ever home these days it seemed. Everyone in his small family had their own lives, but him. Everyone had places to go, people to be with while he had the four walls of his room.

"OK--" Liz stopped before she could get another word out. A body bumping into them, walking right between them as if he owned the halls. " Watch it you little- Oh damn it Kyle watch where you're going."

"Max, Liz," He grunted without so much as looking in their direction. He continued staring at the ground, walking aimlessly through the pathway still cluttered with other beings. His thoughts definitely anywhere, but there. His back hunched over, his eyes focused on only the floor, and a deep frown on his face.

The frown to many of the inhabitants of the world was an odd spectacle. All everybody saw was the smiling-easy going Kyle. The perfect Kyle Valenti, who had everything. Who so many looked up to, wanted to be like, and envied. He was the picture of perfection to many with a B average, captain of both the football and baseball team and one of the stars of the wrestling team. He was Mr. Popularity. The boy that girls wanted to go out with. The person who seemed to rule over the school like a king.

But in truth he was just another person. Another human muddling through the problems of life like any other person on the planet. Just wandering around in this dimension, trying to find a purpose, trying to belong, and trying to be noticed for him, not just his accomplishments.

"Happy Birthday, Kyle!" Max Evans and Liz yelled after his retreating form in unison. All they received in return was a small wave as Kyle disappeared into the crowd of people all moving towards their destination still lost in his own world.

The two friends exchanged a knowing look. Something was definitely burning through him trying to break through into the surface like some sort of acid and it was succeeding.

* * *

The cheerleader with blue sparkling eyes did another sweep of the now crowded cafeteria. Looking for any familiar face who was allowed to join her. Brushing back a strand of blond hair, she made sure not to miss a single person in the long line of kids waiting to buy lunch.

Max was the first person she saw. His dark hair falling in front of his eyes as he hung his head low only watching the floor. Nobody else seemed to notice him standing there by himself. The world went on around him, but it never actually went along with him. Never taking him along for the ride so he just watched on the sidelines. She could relate to that feeling.

She shook her head and let her eyes wander off again to look, knowing Max could never sit at the table.

An unwritten rule that everybody followed. An unwritten rule that had been there for many years, never going to be broken. The freaks sitting in the corner of the cafeteria as if they weren't supposed to let their presence known. The normal ones who weren't popular, but were not loners surrouned the elite group who sat themselves in the middle of this hectic and often loud room.

She stared at her table and shook her head. No Max would never be an elite. Never be an athlete who bullied their lowly subjects. Never be someone people could envy. He was different and even though she was too, she had a mask to hold in this place. A mask of lies, but a mask to live by nonetheless.

She stared at the double doors where many entered. Wanting to see anybody who could let her feel safe in the tangled web of lies she lived. Make her feel that it was all OK.

She almost jumped when he entered, but the joy died as quickly as it entered. She watched Kyle wander in the caf buried in his own world, not noticing the girls openly gawking at him. Watched as he barely looked up and when he finally found his usual seat across from her, she understood just like that. Simply because that's the only thing she could do for him. Understand him when nobody else around could.

He sported the same look he wore last year at exactly the same day. The look that held so many emotions. The look he hated showing the world. Defeated and filled with sorrow. Like he'd been kicked around one too many times and every part of your body stings with pain. It wasn't physical though. Rooted deep within. The worst sort of wound.

"I got your present in my locker." She said quietly sliding over the bag of Doritos she always bought for him.

He looked up into her blue eyes, a lighter shade than his ones and gave her a half-smile and let his emotions lay to rest as he enjoyed just being in the presence of a friend. Sitting by someone who could understand the storm raging inside.

He forced on a smirk when he noticed a group of teammates eyeing him oddly. He smirked even though he felt terrible. He smiled and looked care-free even though inside he felt like the eight year old boy in his past who had waited all year for Christmas to come only to find the house empty and without presents that day. He smiled and pretended his birthday was still an amazing day even if his father had forgotten again. Just like last year and the year before that.

"Thanks Tess," he whispered when no one was listening anymore. He stared right at her, meaning every word.
---
Thanks for the feedback *happy*
posted on 21-May-2002 9:27:12 PM by E.T.
I had time to kill so I decided to write this up. I was rushing so sorry if there's huge grammatical errors or something that's completely illogical about this part.

Thanks to roswellluver, aZNroSweLl anglgrl, dancepixie, and IceRose for leaving feedback.

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters

Chapter 3
Two boys laid on the wet ground staring up at the gray sky as water pounded against them. Their clothes were drenched and clung to them like a second skin. Their pants covered in mud as was there hair, but they continued in staring up at the unreachable and depthless gray sky above them.

"Won't your mother get mad we're cutting again?" The boy with the dark hair and green eyes asked not diverting his gaze from the heavens above him.

"No." The older boy with brown hair and brown eyes replied. His monotone voice left no room for questions or arguments. He blinked as a raindrop fell into his eyes, but went on laying there on the muddy ground watching the rain drop down. The smell of the rain mixing with the grass filled his nose, calming him a bit.

"We shoulda asked Liz to come." The dark-haired boy sighed once more, disrupting the silence again.

"Boys only day out." The other one argued. He turned to lie down on his stomach so he could watch the grass this time. He could spend hours in the rain if he wanted to. Watch as the world was washed clean with waters from up above. Evil seemed to drift away with the water when it rained hard making him feel safe and able to crawl out of his hole even if it was just an hour or two.

The mud in his hair rolled down his cheeks and he wiped it off. Tilting his head to the side, he took a look at his friend.

"We coulda asked Max and Kyle."

The older one grunted as if to say yes, but we didn't in his own language. He stuck his finger into the grass and enjoyed the feeling of the soft soil as he pushed deeper in, creating a hole on the ground. If allowed he could lie in the rain for eternity. Lie and let the waters drip down to rid him of the evils.

"You think school's going OK today?" The dark haired one closed his eyes as all the water seemed to rush into them. He focused on the feeling of the pounding water and the winds whipping around them. It felt like a hurricane, but it calmed his frayed nerves down as he relived the terrible morning he had in his mind once again.

"You talk too much, Alex." The older one shook his head at his friend, Alexander Whitman.

Alex just laid there without replying. Taking the words in and knowing they were not meant to put him down. The older one knew better than that. He felt the rain fall harder and the winds whisper their secrets to the trees.

"Wonder what the winds are saying. Ever wondered what they were saying Michael?" Alex whispered. His tone serious as he left his eye closed and listened to the howling winds. He imagined the tall trees in the woods bending as the trees whispered to them. Secrets only they shared. It reminded him of his friends, the secrets they shared from the world. The lives they hid deep within.

"They're telling us to quiet down," Michael Guerin laughed quietly, not wanting to admit he had wondered what the winds were saying once upon a time. But he had stopped asking those questions when his world had fallen apart and he no longer trusted in fantasy. No longer wanted to completely loose himself in these made-up places and questions with an endless amount of answers.

Alex smiled softly he watched his friend's hair become tousled by the wind.

He enjoyed in the feeling this secret place gave him. This place that had once been their reality, but magically transformed as the rain had dropped from above. The rain always changed everything for him. The world looked nicer when rain was pounding on it, cleansing it from the dirt that filled it. He even felt different, not so much as a speck of dirt being stepped on by just about everyone more undefeated and invincible. As if nothing could break him in this place where the water continously poured on him. Pounding at his face and mixing with the mud. It's earthly smell calming.

Silence hung around them as the rain turned into a drizzle and the world turned a bit more on its axis. Times like these never lasted long. They held their breath awaiting for forever to end. Trying to enjoy the rest of the place before it all faded away with the rain.

This world where it only seemed to be them and nature. Where there was no one to inflict wounds on them. Wounds that often went deeper than just those the eyes could see. Where there was nothing to live up to. Where nothing ever mattered and the emotions such as anger and hate seemed to die down replaced by the pounding of the water.

The mud began to dry. The winds began to wind down. The rain died down . The world they had been in, the world of perfection drifted away. Rising back to the skies as the rain came to a stop leaving only small reminders that it had been here like its smell and the mud that still clung to their clothes, their faces, and hair.

Michael lifted his head and pushed himself up. Ready to face the true reality again. Ready to crawl back into the small hole he hid himself in on a daily basis. Up went the wall between the world and his emotions. Up went the wall that separated him from everyone else.

Alex rolled onto his stomach before standing up and followed Michael back into Michael's mother's house. The feelings of restlessness and defeat crawling back in ever so slowly and banishing away any feelings of invicibility. The helplessness and hopelessness setting back in. Making themselves feel at home within him as he watched his feet walk. Left. Right. Left

Both boys wandered out in their grimy clothes, disheveled hair, and dirty faces marked with mud, both questioning whether a world of perfection and happiness would ever let them in for longer than just hours.

---

Sorry there's nothing that explains about why they all are the way they are, but I'm just trying to get all the characters into the story before starting on some big action....
posted on 23-May-2002 7:26:28 PM by E.T.
Thanks to Wench on a Leash, IceRose, Roswellluver, dancepixie, and aZNroSweLl anglgrl for leaving feedback.

Disclaimer: Don't own any of the characters

Chapter 4A
She shoved open the doors that led to the outside world. Sprinted down the concrete steps as she ran from the building that acted more of a prison than a school. Dashed out of the place where hierarchy was put into almost every rule and the social ladder was lethal. Climbing it seemed even more dangerous than dropping down a rung or two. And every rung above you was always out to for blood.

The anger filled every inch of her. Filled every part of her thoughts and streamed into her blood. It was as if the anger was now very much a part of her.

The pounding of her heart filled her ears. Her thought's racing so quickly past each other she could barely keep up. But from each one she could feel the anger and hatred coming off from it in waves. The anger was like yeast on bread, it just kept rising.

Her sneakers created a dull thud as she ran down the sidewalk. Without a destination in mind, she just ran down the blocks. Turning right or left at every corner she felt she needed to turn at. Her lungs were burning from the lack of oxygen and her legs were cramping, but she had to run. Run until the building and everything inside could not keep up. Run until she could leave that all behind for the moment. She dropped down on the park benches when her legs began stinging with pain. She gulped down oxygen and tried to catch her breath as she sat alone in the empty park hoping the hot tears would not fall. Crying, she knew, solved nothing. Crying just would be admitting to the world how it had beaten her once again. How once again she was laying here battered.

Resting her chin on her hands she focused on blinking back the stinging behind her emarald green eyes. She stared of into oblivion repeating in her head that she would not bend down to those who ranked above her in the ladder. Not bend down to the will of anybody in the world inside the building. The world that had every intention of breaking her down.

She stared into oblivion as the wind picked up, blowing her golden blond hair into her face. The park benches were still wet and dirty, but the feeling of the damp bench under her went ignored. She stared into oblivion as the past quickly began filling her vision and her thoughts. No longer did she see the empty playground or the treees loosing its leaves. She saw the beige tiles of the girl's bathroom and the white sinks.

The place was almost empty. She was sure she was the only one inside when she'd pushed the doors open and had wandered to the sink to wash her hands. Everyone had begun their trek onto their next class. Everyone too busy wandering the halls and occupied in their own thoughts and worlds. Places she was denied access of.

"Hey freak."

She was alone... or so she thought


She let out a ragged breath. The past was not something that was going to weigh her down, but weigh her down it did. She closed her eyes and wished she possessed magical powers to wish this place away. She wished she was Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz and could click her heels and somehow disappear into another place. A place of... not happiness, but nothing with this amount of sorrow.

She knew not to look behind her. Knew that curiosity killed the cat, but she looked back. A completely idiotic and unexplainable move.

"Pam." She acknowledge one of the girls on her friends' cheerleading team. The girl who had many boys at the palm of her hand. She seemed to control many of the boys in her high school.

Her tone of voice was completely void of emotion. Almost robotic as if someone had possessed her.

"Heard about your Mom," Pam Troy smiled. The smile of a guilty person when they admit to the guilt and are proud of doing it. A smug grin she wanted to erase, but couldn't.

Her jaw clenched and she glared fiercely at the other girl. Who wouldn't know about the chain of restaurants her mother had begun to open around the area.

"Wanted to know how a lady like her got stuck with a daughter like you," Pam sneered. Her eyes glinting with hatred directed at her. " Everyone knows you don't belong. You and your weird friend Max, but at least he's cute."


She hadn't heard what Pam had to say next. She'd ran out of there quicker than the people in the track team.

She'd always hated it when it happened. When she was the victim of a verbal duel. She always lost them because everybody else knew the right buttons to push. She could only reply with sarcastic comebacks and that's on her good days. And, she'd learned a year back, there was no use for retaliation. She could never change herself. Never change the other Pam Troy's of the world. Never will change the world.

Yes, Maria DeLuca was in fact stuck with this life. Stuck in a predicament she had never asked for, never wanted, never worked for, but here she was. Sitting in a park bench, forcing the tears away, and never wanting to enter that building. They'd have to suck her back in kicking and screaming.

---
Had a hard time getting into Maria's head. Hope it didn't suck so much...



[ edited 1 time(s), last at 24-May-2002 10:21:36 PM ]
posted on 25-May-2002 6:02:02 PM by E.T.
Thanks to IceRose, aZNroSweLl anglgrl, roswellluver, and Wench on a Leash for leaving feedback.

Disclaimer: Do not own the characters

Chapter 4B
She shoved her hands in her pocket hoping to get out of the school before anybody caught up. Anybody who didn't belong in her thoughts and reality. She'd had enough of this place for a day. Had enough experiences in these hallways lined with yellow lockers to last her a lifetime. A lifetime filled with traumatizing realizations and memories.

She glanced down at her watch, a smile forming on her face as she noticed the way it caught the sunlight that streamed in from the windows. How it reflected the light onto the ceiling and moved along as she walked down.

She remembered how she'd conviently forgotten to pay for it when exiting the store last weekend. Nobody noticed. Nobody ever did, but she somehow hoped they would. Everytime she took the risk, she wished they'd see.

Sometimes she'd wish the police would throw her in a cell. Maybe then she'd get some attention. Maybe then they'd stop their lies and world of pretend. Learning from her brother's experience, breaking the law seemed the only way to reach her parents even if only for a short period of time.

"Isabel, we've don't got practice today right?"

She stared down at the girl in front of her and forced a smile and nodded.

Why did she decide to become a cheerleader anyway? She stared at the girl. Clad in jeans that seemed a bit too tight and a shirt that was barely there. She had decided to join thinking her parents would give her the time of day if she was part of the "in" crowd.

"Yeah, no practice today." She managed to get out in a cheerful voice, questioning why her brother always got whatever attention their parents could give when he did nothing, but wreak havoc in their lives.

The girl nodded and went on her merry way, leaving Isabel Turner to her own thoughts once again. Thoughts involving anything wild. Anything to make her feel like she was in fact on this planet, breathing, moving, and living. Anything that would land her something more than just one word conversations with her parents. More than just the world of pretend they let her live where nothing would ever go wrong with her life. Where everything never felt like reality. Where it felt like she wasn't living anymore because of the tangled web of deception she was caught up in.

"Something wrong?"

She looked up and smiled a little. Maybe she didn't need to do anything stupid today. Maybe they'd keep her grounded and away from her home.

"Nope, things are great." Isabel rolled her eyes. Her words dripping with sarcasm as Liz, Kyle, and Tess finally caught up with her just as she was about to walk out of the doors. Just before she stepped back into the world held not by hierarchies or masks of lies, but cold hard truths and problems that went above bad hair days.

"Happy Birthday." She added quickly, flashing Kyle a real smile as the four walked quickly out of the confines of the school.

With nothing else to say they continued to walk, each just enjoying the silence. Letting the hum of car engines and the yelling and screaming and laughing coming from the people of earth fill their lack of words. Enjoying the time and serenity to get back into their thoughts. Thinking about the lives at home they had to bear with. About the lives they hid from everybody else.

Not so perfect lives, so different yet similar. So far apart that they made a world of their own.

"Liz, practice today remember," A girl with brown hair in a high pony tail and gray eyes smiled. A basketball held in one hand and her backpack slung haphazrdly on one shoulder.

Crashing back to reality took less than a minute for Liz. Back was the girl who received good grades and one of the star players of the girl's Varsity basketball team. The other one who held problems far beyond the comprehension of her parents crawled back into the hole waiting for the next chance to come out. The two just couldn't be seen at the same time especially not in this environment where appearances and smiles meant everything.

"Yeah I remember," She smiled.

"Oh, you guys are coming to the party tonight right? Pam Troy's parents are out of town..." The girl glanced at Kyle and her grin widened. She decided to ignore the looks Tess and Isabel had been sending her. Telling her through their angry eyes to leave them alone. " Wouldn't be much of a party if you didn't come along, Kyle." Her tone seductive as she reached over and ran a finger down one of Kyle's arm.

"I'll be there," Kyle smiled back resisting the urge to jump back at the touch. His smile forced and screamed fake, but the girl could hardly notice. He wondered if he would ever receive an Oscar for all the acting he did in his life, and if he did would the only family member he had left even notice?

He ran his hand through his brown hair and kept the fake smile on as the girl waved before pulling Liz back into the building surrounded by falsehoods.

He dropped the facade as she soon as she turned around and stared blankly at the retreating form of the two girls wondering why exactly he'd decided to go. The words had just tumbled out. Out of instinct he figured because the most popular guy at school just couldn't miss a party that lacked supervision. Where booze and drugs would definitely be found. Where every person you see in not a friend, but another face in a world he never felt he belonged in.
---
Note: Max and Isabel are not brother and sister!

Oh yeah, hope the part was OK...



posted on 26-May-2002 10:14:28 PM by E.T.
Wench on a Leash, I enjoyed reading your feedback like always *happy*. Hope you like this part.

Thanks to any lurkers who read the story, but don't leave feedback. Well at least I hope there are others who read this story...

Disclaimer: Don't own the characters

Chapter 5A
He laid each brightly wrapped box on his bed. There were six in all. Kyle counted them again in his mind. One...two...three....four...five...six Not one came from his father. He stared at the 6 gifts again, the colors they were wrapped in were for celebration.

This was a day to celebrate, but he didn't feel much like celebrating. He watched the presents just laying there, the bright colors represented happiness, joy, excitement, giddiness- all the feelings he did not feel at the time. There was only dread, isolation, emptiness, hatred, anger. An abudndant amount of guilt too. Guilt because he felt that he should be more happy that at least some people could remember, but he didn't. He just couldn't find the energy to celebrate or be happy when his own family couldn't even remember the day he was born into the world.

His fingers ran over the surface of one of the presents as he sat himself on the floor by the bed. The present was from Michael and Alex. He had found it when he got home. Sitting there on the porch looking as lonely as him with a small note barely readable because of the rain. But he could make it out:

Happy B-day, Kyle!
-Michael and Alex


They rarely ever went out anymore and conversations seemed to shorten by the days. They'd gone their separate ways in their own world. Strangers in their own reality.

How did close friends who shared a world of their own, a world where they were not outsiders, but belonged, loose contact and become strangers?

His gaze wandered over to the other presents. One from Max, Liz, Isabel, Tess, and even Maria. It seemed like a lifetime had passed since he'd had an actual conversation with any of them.

He stared at the boxes, half of them childhood friends he'd slowly shunned away as he reached the impossible-to-reach top position in the hierarchy of the school. The other half were people he was still friends with, but somehow, somehow it didn't feel like it anymore. They didn't talk. They merely enjoyed each other's presence, when the "in" crowd was too much.

He tried to picture the last time they all had hung out. It had been in reality three months ago. In the middle of summer when it looked like things were finally going their way. It was also Michael's birthday. It felt like centuries ago.

The sun was supposed to shine that day. When they reached the secluded area of the park, it had rained. Rained hard and fast, drenching them so quickly. It appeared as if the heavens would not stop dropping the waters and it would go on for enternity.

So unexpected and sudden that it reminded Kyle of life. Every event that occured so far in his life was unexpected and always sudden. The bumps also looked never ending as if the hardships would stretch out for eternity.

But unlike the downs in life, the day had been amazing. Filled with joyous laughter and talks filled with meaning. They had sat in that rain laughing, screaming, joking, yelling.

Like normal, people Kyle thought. But what was normal anyway? What was a person that defined normal?

He slowly opened one present. Max's present covered in blue wrapping paper with party balloons and hats.

Since September had hit two months ago, there were only few precious moments when the two of them suddenly transformed into the old best friends they had been. Moments when they were allowed to talk in the hallways of the school. The talks had only been brief five minute conversations, when the world wasn't looking and he could be himself. When he could be Kyle, not Mr. Popular, not tri-athlete of the year, just Kyle Valenti. There were few moments but at least they were there. They were there and that was all that counted.

More memories resurfaced. More dark memories. Crawling into his thoughts and creating a feeling deep within. A feeling that made him weak and vulnerable. It seemed to implant itself inside him as darker memories of past birthdays unleashed itself.

Balloons. Laughter. Presents. Dad. Mom...

He froze at the last picture that had floated in. So vivid. So real it felt as if he'd traveled back through time. Brown hair like his. A smile on her face as she watched him. She had been the reason why everything was so out of control at the moment. Anger flared as more memories of her attacked. Memories of baking cookies and bedtime stories. Of camping. Of being a kid.

The phone rang breaking him from the memories and he listened intently as the answering machine picked it up for him.

Kyle, it's Dad. I might not be home tonight so I'll see you tomorrow. Bye. That was it. That was all he had to say. Not even a happy birthday.

He could feel it. Could feel the amount of anger rising. The hatred and sadness going into unusual heights as he sat there listening to the phone click of.

He began to shut down. Closed of his thoughts. Closed of his feelings. Closed his mind from anything that occured around him. He didn't want to feel the emptiness. The anger that ate through him like acid. The tears stinging and waiting to come out. Shutting down made him a void and that was what he was hoping to achieve. Nothingness. Become non-existent.

He crawled into bed as his whole world shifted into darkness and his eyelids fell over his eyes.

The message repeated in his mind I might not be home tonight. He wanted to scream at that point, but there was no good in that. No good in screaming his lungs out and complain about how life was acting like a bitch and it wasn't fair. He had done nothing to earn this. He did nothing to make this reality the way it was, but still it was happening.

He closed of his thoughts once and for all. Maybe he could just sleep through the rest of this day, this day that was supposed to celebrate his birth. Maybe when he woke up it would all be differend. Maybe he'd have his family. Maybe his family wouldn't be broken. Maybe the house would feel like a home and not so lifeless and cold.

Maybe was all he had at the moment.
---
If luck goes my way, I'll get a part in by Tuesday...


[ edited 1 time(s), last at 26-May-2002 10:15:32 PM ]
posted on 28-May-2002 7:19:32 PM by E.T.
Thanks to Wench on a Leash, IceRose, aZNroSweLl anglgrl, and Kitcat26. See I got it in Tuesday like I said *happy* Wench on a Leash thanks for that nomination by the way!

Wow, I made two people speechless, well I hope this part won't disappoint any of you!

Diclaimer: Don't own the characters

Chapter 5B
Laying there in the grass, the stars above them countless and bright as they twinkled on the dark sky that seemed more like a black canvass painted on with white dots. The wind began to pick up, the breeze blowing through them making the hot summer night bearable. Everything seemed so peaceful. So perfect that it felt as if they were in their own world. An untouchable world where nothing on earth could reach them.

The silence that hung around the group of eight was more comforting rather than awkward. Nobody broke the silence just yet, wanting to stretch out the already fragile moment. Rare moments like these never repeated itself. Hardly ever happened. It was what made them so precious. So unforgettable.

"School's starting again Monday, can you believe it?" Kyle asked finally breaking the silence.He rested his chin on his hand as he laid flat on his stomach.

Pieces of chips flew his way along with playful menacing looks. He dodged each one with skill and grinned triumphantly until a piece hit him dead in the face. Everyone burst into laughter at the look that he sported. He pretended to look hurt, but ended up laughing along just because it was one of those days.

One of those days when everything disappears and the only people in the world are you and your friends. One of those days when you can't stop laughing or feeling invinsible. One of those days that seem as if you're dreaming, but you're not.

"Don't remind me," Maria sighed from where she sat against the tree. Her eyes trained on the pieces of chips still flying through the air, making sure to duck each one that headed her way.

"Are we going to have a repeat performance of this year?" Alex piped up. His voice with a slight edge to it as he remembered the previous school year. The fights they had. The rift between all of them that had been near impossible to fix this summer. So many apologies. So many differences that needed fixing up.

He tried to keep the fear out of his voice, but it was there. Clearly written in his eyes and on his face. Fear that this year they wouldn't even make it if it repeated. Fear that the next time they all went there separate ways there would be nothing to go back to. No group to stand by. No 7 friends you could count on to help you get away from your problems. No longer a group who could understand each other.

What would it be like if they were all strangers? Alex thought.

The sadness sliced through him as he laid there staring at the stars that now looked so empty and lifeless. It was as if the sky had shifted when he blinked and it wasn't the same bright balls of gas he was staring at moments ago. Wasn't the same bright countless stars that brought tranquility into his thoughts. They brought confusion now. Fear, confusion, and anger at all things that weren't fair.

The others shook their heads. The same fear gripping them as vivid memories rushed in. Fights. Lies. The building that was a world itself, which had the power to separate even a tight, close knit group like theirs.

"We'll hang out every Saturday..."

"... At nights when we're all free..."

"... Birthdays, definitely birthdays...."

But even as they spoke, each of them knew. Could feel the dread and uncertainty that was in each word spoken. There was a chance of never making it through the year. The school and its ways would make sure of it...


Liz let out a sigh as she stared at the spot they had spent that night in. Stared at the spot, hoping if she looked long enough, some higher power would send her back. Let her live that night once more time. The night where impossible promises were made, where they were still a group of friends, where nothing was wrong and they all had each other, but nothing happened. The seconds ticked on. Moments passed and life went on. Life always went forward, never backward.

"Hey." She jumped at the sound of the voice. The person coming from behind the tree with a grin on his face as he watched the terrified look on her face change into annoyance.

"Asshole."

"Takes one to know one," Max shot back, but his efforts put into that comeback were wasted.

She had lost herself in her thoughts again. Barely heard a word he had said as she drifted of into another world hardly noticing this one. Probably the same world she'd drifted into before he'd made his presence known.

Memories, he guessed, was what was occupying her thoughts.

Memories were what sometimes pulls us all back into another dimension that answered those unanswered why's of life. Memories helped take us into worlds where what if's rang loud and clear. The what if's that went along with past choices.

"Maria and Alex have work..." He began as he brushed back a piece of hair that fell in front of his eyes. He sat down on the ground next to her. He watched the orange sun begin its descent into the horizon as she finished his sentence.

"...And Michael's nowhere to be seen." She sighed.

"Kyle says he's tired and nobody better call again..."

"... Tess and Isabel are out prowling the mall with their squad."

"Leaving me and you again." He finished looking over at her quickly, surprised to find a blank look on her face. Anything, he deicded, was better than a look void of emotion and feeling.

"Me and you." She echoed staring into oblivion. Her thoughts racing against each other. Each one filled with uncertainty and knowing.

It was just the two of them again, but why was she so surprised? None of them barely talked in school. Phone calls were few and far from each other.

They had all given up. Let the world win. Let the hierarchy conquer their friendship. Let the world show them it didn't matter how close they were before, they led different lives now. Different lives that had no link to each other.

Max and her- they were both hanging on to a ghost of the past. Hanging on while everyone else had jumped off and said Screw it! Why couldn't she? Better yet what was Max doing hanging on too?

"We're too stubborn," Max muttered reading her like an open book. He flashed her a half smile before he went back into staring at the setting sun. " Too stubborn to believe that we've lost this battle, this war. Too proud to admit that we're so wrong and the world is completely right, we all don't belong as friends anymore..."

His voice trailed of. Leaving her to fill the blanks. They didn't belong because to the world they were different. To the inhabitants of that building, the building that served as their school, each of them held a different status that could just not mix.

She was hanging on to something that was lost. Hanging on to thin air because the group of friends she was hanging onto was dead. No longer was it eight against life. No longer was it a group of outsiders trying to hide from this place.

It was eight different individuals trying to survive this chapter of their lives without putting up much of a fight.
---
I had trouble with this part. Hope it wasn't disappointing.
posted on 30-May-2002 7:29:25 PM by E.T.
Thanks to Kitcat26, Wench on a Leash, roswellluver, jeremiah, aZNroSweLl anglgrl, IceRose, and shelbecat for the feedback!

Disclaimer:Don't own the characters

Chapter 6A
He banged his fist against the top of the table as he stared after the customers that had just left. How lucky they were to be able to get away from this place. The restaurant filled with so much noise and chaos. The sounds mixing with each other. Toddlers wailing about their food. Children yelling and screaming. The incessant chatter of the customers sounded like a drone of a thousand bees getting louder by the minute. They all mixed as they reached his ears, creating a sound that just about pushed him over the edge.

He wanted silence. He wanted the toddler sitting two booths down from where he stood to stop crying. Wanted everybody to shut up. He wished all of them to disappear, wanted to escape from this dead-end job, run off into any place where he could live the life he wanted.

"Alex your turn to serve them," Maria wandered over to where he stood wiping down the table while he tried unsuccessfully to block the loud, deafening sounds the people were emitting.

He stared in the direction she gazed at. A group of 5 entered, yelling and laughing along with each other. Their voices sounded louder than the other sounds around them. He could almost make out what they were saying, but as soon as the words reached his ears it was interrupted by other sounds. Other drones that sounded like gibberish.

Two boys and three girls, clad in designer clothes in the latest styles. The group was part of the elite of their school. People others bowed down too. People that scared of others with just a simple look. People knew how to destroy others. They always appeared to have everything. Everything they yearned for was handed to them on a silver platter.

"You owe me," Alex grumbled heading towards them. What use was it arguing with Maria? She would always beat him with her insane logic and antics.

"You're the best, Alex!" Maria grinned before heading towards one of her charges.

"I know." He looked over at the group waiting rather impatiently and let out a sigh. This definitely was not turning out to be his night, but any night in here could not be considered a good night anyway. Not with hundreds of people ordering you around like some slave, asking for your opinion, and handing you low tips. Not when you worked our ass of and only received little money.

"What do you want?" Alex demanded standing by their table matching their impatient looks with his. Bursts of anger erupted through as he watched the two boys staring at him as if he wasn't even there. Even as he wished someone would put him out of his misery, he wore on a fake smile as they stared.

A smile goes a long way. Maria's voice rang in his mind. Pushing away the other sounds that came from the place. He focused on the fake cheery smile as he waited.

"I haven't decided yet." The boy with brown hair and dark brown eyes sneered while glaring at Alex.

He would have to fix up the boy's attitude once again, he decided. Shoving him into a locker, throwing him a couple of punches, pushing him down into the floor. So many tortures, Carlos Martinez, one of the stars of the high school's football team, could not decide which one to use. Which one he would enjoy more. Which one would destroy the geek the worst.

"We'll all just have Blood-of-an-Alien smoothies and Saturn rings." Tess spoke up avoiding Alex's gaze. She sat between the other two girls, her head hung low. She didn't want to meet his questioning look. The same look she'd seen him give her in the halls when none of the others were at her side. The look that asked where his friend was. Where the Tess he knew was. She didn't know the answer to the questions. Didn't know what happened to her along the way. Didn't know when it all changed, but it had. It was different now. The type of different that you couldn't change in a moment.

Alex stood there pretending to jot down the order on his pad while staring around at the 5 once more. His eyes lingered on his friend. He still had to consider her his friend. The years they had spent hanging out. The years meant something. The memories meant more. Even if he hated her at that moment, hated her just as worse as he hated the people around her, she was still a friend.

She couldn't even look at him. Couldn't even bare to meet his gaze. He wondered if just because they barely talked meant he was nothing to her now. If he was just another looser, she could control. Wondered if the bittersweet memories of the past ever hit her. If she even remembered.

"That it?" The edge in his voice would not go away, the fake cheery smile beginning to falter. He could feel the control slipping through his fingertips. The scowl desperate to leave its confines. The words waiting to tumble out. He wanted to lash out at them.

"Did you hear her say anything else, fag?" Carlos threw him a menacing look.

Alex shook his head and walked away. He listened to their conversation. The two boys finding everything about him amusing while the rest of them laughed. He listened to Tess's forced laugh as hatred burned through him.

The hatred rushed through his veins, but along with the hatred he felt a trace of despondency. There was no doubt anymore. Hopes he had before now dashed. They were only friends in memories now. Friends in the past. There was never going back now.
---
Thoughts on it?

Kitcat- I don't know yet whether or not this is gonna be a dreamer fic, but I'm a dreamer so...
posted on 31-May-2002 8:18:05 PM by E.T.
Thanks to KitCat26, Wench on a Leash, aZNroSweLl anglgrl, IceRose, roswellluver, and shelbecat for the feedback!

Disclaimer: Don't own the characters

Chapter 6B
Pause.

Rewind.

Play.


He watched the people moving about in the television. Captivated by the voices, by the people, by the event. Women in dresses. Men in suits. All there with smiles. Some with joyful tears in their eyes. He watched the scene unfold. The church. The maid of honor and the best man. The flower girl and the ring bearer. The woman walking down the aisle. Brown eyes like his. Brown hair darker than his.

The words echoed through his room. He watched the exchange of vows, promises they had not kept. He felt the hot tears about to topple over before swiping at them with the back of his hand. His chest felt tight as he suppressed the sob wanting to come out. He was stronger than this. He had better things to do than cry and sob about it all.

He had to have seen it coming. He was prepared for this. The inevitable. But yet, he wasn't. He couldn't prepare himself for his own father's wedding. Couldn't prepare himself to watch his father become part of another family.

He couldn't do it. Wouldn't go through with it.

Pause.

Rewind.

Play.


He turned to the vows again. Listened for the words til death do us part.. Didn't the vows mean anything to them? Didn't their promises to love and cherish one another mean anything anymore?!

"Michael, we're home!"

Michael shut of the VCR quickly, pulling the covers over him just as he felt footsteps nearing his door. He evened out his breathing. Taking slow, even breaths as he shut his eyes tight. His heart beating wildly as the door cracked open. His back stiffened as he laid there with the light from the hallway on his face.

He did not want to speak to him. Did not want to have another discussion about it. Did not want to end up tearing up, crying himself to sleep like a weakling.

His father stood for minutes that stretched out into eternity. Curiosity tearing him apart as he struggled not to open his eyes. He listened to the other footsteps thundering down the hall. The squeals of delight from the 6- year- old boy soon to be his stepbrother. The voice of his soon to be stepmother founds its way to his ears.

Anger churned inside. Waiting for its turn to be out. Waiting to burst forth from him in any form. Ever so slowly the door began to close. The hinges creaking along in the same rhythm as the words he repeated in his head.

This is just a dream Repeating the phrase over and over again until the soft thud of the door completely closing echoed in his dark room.

He opened both eyes quickly. Hoping that somehow a miracle had occurred and he was transported back through time. Wishing he was 7 years old again and his Mom and Dad still loved each other. Wanting desperately to be back when the arguments had began so that he could change it all.

No stepmother. No stepbrother. No other people, but his Mom and Dad and him. It was so easy to think about. To dream about. To wish about. Impossible to put into action.

"Daddy!" The high-pitched voice of the 6 year old squealed. His footsteps echoing down the hallways. He listened to the laughter. Listened to this new family his father had. A new family that did not include him.

He suppressed the yell that he wanted to let out. Why did his father insist it was fine that the boy call him "Dad"? It wasn't fine. Not at all. He was Michael's Dad, not the 6-year-old's. He was his flesh and blood. He was his only son.

He shook his head at how baby-ish it felt, but that's what was there and he couldn't deny it. He wanted his father to himself. Wanted his attention. The attention he hadn't gotten when he left when Michael was 8, only to have returned 3 years ago with a girlfriend and her son in tow. The attention he gave to the boy that wasn't his. How could someone not give a damn about his flesh and blood, but love another one to death? Michael couldn't understand it. The anger and jealousy crashed into him. Anger he couldn't control anymore. How he wanted to yell at the family. Yell until they listened. Yell until it all disappeared. Until he woke up from this nightmare. Until he found that still he had his family. A conventional one, with a mother and father.

He wanted to destroy this family. Wanted to dash their hopes and dreams. All he needed was a plan...

"Night Daddy!" The same high-pitched voice. The same boy telling Michael's father good night. The boy who had replaced him.

A gruff voice replied. Incoherent were the words that were said, but Michael knew. He knew his father was telling the boy he loved him. Telling him goodnight. Telling him how much he cared about him.

He felt control slip through his fingers. The yell that was beginning to build wanted out. He wanted to scream until his lungs were sore. Emotions were getting out of control. Inflicting pain in the worst sort of way and he wanted to show them how it felt. He wanted to hurt them. Wanted them to feel how everything was beginning to loose its color. Everything beginning to get out of control. Show his father how he needed him, needed him more than the little boy. All he wanted was his family back. Mom. Dad. And him, Michael.

The tears were stinging his eyes. Wanting to drop down his cheeks, but he wouldn't let them. He needed to keep it in. He would not let the emotions over come. No matter how quickly they were beginning to destroy his stonewall. Drilling it into the ground so effortlessly.

He stared at the room he was in. Room with bare walls and furniture that did not describe him. Walls that knew nothing of his secrets. Knew nothings of his fears. Walls that would not give him comfort. Would not leave him feeling safe.

He rolled over his bed. The sound his body made as it hit the floor went unnoticed. He grabbed his sneakers, slipping each foot into its proper foot.

He gulped down a sob wanting to come out. He wanted... needed to escape so badly. Wanted to run out of this house that was not his own. A family he was not welcomed in. A family that brought nothing but burden to him.

Laughter ran through the house. Echoing in Michael's ears as he slipped through the window of the room. The laughter that sent his emotions into another frenzy. Another storm of emotions mixing with each other creating something ugly. Something he did not want to feel.

He jumped the white fence surrounding the house. He guessed the house had nicely painted shutters too, but he didn't dare take another look around. Looking back would make it feel more real than a dream. Make it his reality if he stayed longer than he needed.

The laughter rang through his mind. Taunting him. Mocking him as it repeated through his mind. It was another sign. Another one of those symbolic things, Michael didn't want to get. Laughter meant happiness. Happiness meant... No! It just... it didn't make sense. He had his family. His family was happiness. Why did he need a new one?!

He ran through the dark lonely streets wanting the thoughts to stop. Ran through the dark empty streets that looked as alone and lonely as he. Ran quicker so that he could leave the laughter behind. Leaving the reminders behind. The ring on her finger. The voices. The little boy with strawberry blond hair and green eyes. The little boy that was loved.

The tears began falling down with each step. The sneakers making squeaking sounds with each step. They fell down his cheeks no matter how quickly he blink them back. His chest constricted as he suppressed yet another sob. Took a deep breath as he ran down the streets and thought about how this was all a nightmare. A nightmare he'd wake up in because nightmares were never real. Never...

In sickness and in health... for richer or poorer... til death do us part The voices drifted into his thoughts as the laughter disappeared. He ran through the dark streets of the familiar neighborhood. Hoping that everything behind him disappeared and those words still rang a truth.

Hoping that he wasn't the one who had disappeared along the way.
---
Um... what d'you guys think??



KitCat26- I have written some stuff before, but nothing like this. Oh yeah thanks for the nomination!

Wench on a Leash - I got some dreamer parts figured out for later on, but I'm crappy at writing romance so there's not gonna be that many...
posted on 1-Jun-2002 8:41:22 PM by E.T.
You guys do wonders for my ego! *happy* Yeah that's my way of saying thanks for the feedback! It helps knowing you guys like the fic enough to come back and keep on reading...

KitCat26 - Thanks for the great feedback and the bump *happy*. I wrote this fluff fic like 6 months ago, during Christmas break... I dunno if you wanna read it. What I meant when I said that I had never written anything like this was that this is the first fic that has heavy angst in it. Me selling myself short is just paranoia... don't mind me, I'm just overly paranoid with everything I do *wink*.
Dragging them by their shirttails huh? LOL well if you really want too... and I guess I am proud of the story...

IceRose- Thanks for the feedback. I hope I can do the romance great...

roswelluver- thanks for the feedback

Wench on a Leash - Nope, you don't have the least experience. A little bit younger than you are, never been kissed, never had anything. Faith on my romantic side well I started having some and I'm hoping I actually have a romantic side, but yeah I'll try my best. And uh yeah please don't expect star eyed lovey dovey stuff that makes you go 'awww' because then I'm going to be totally screwed over and you're gonna be way disappointed. Little things... yeah that's what I've got planned. (Little romantic things I can only dream about). Don't worry about lack of feedback. I really really don't care anymore, you and KitCat and the other people leaving it totally make up for it *happy* And like KitCat26, I really don't think rambling is a curse... it's a blessing!

aZNroSweLl anglgrl- Thanks for the feedback!

Pixie- *happy* Voices in your head too? Cool... thought I was the only one! LOL anyway thanks for the feedback!


Oh yeah and I'll get a new part in tomorrow!
posted on 2-Jun-2002 12:36:47 PM by E.T.
Kitcat26 - Yup, I think you and Christina are worth ten replies *happy*

BelevnDreamsToo- Thanks for the feedback!

Wench on a Leash - Yeah, you guys really do make up for it with your ramblings! *happy*

Disclaimer:Don't own the characters

Chapter 7A
She stared out the window as the silence began to scare her. It was as if something else was lurking in the house with her. Lurking underneath all the deception that was her home. The darkness that covered the driveway indicated they had yet to come home.

She jumped off the couch wanting to run out of the house as the feeling began to heighten. As if someone was watching her every move. Watching her intently. A presence undetected like a ghost, but she knew those things didn't exist. Ghosts were... were imaginary.

This was more... more a feeling than an item. Like the wind. Not seeing it. Just feeling its there. It wasn't the wind that was creating it, though. That helpless feeling. This emotion that frightened her worse than anything else. Vulnerable and weak it made her.

Her strides quickened as she wandered the empty place. Hoping to get rid of it. The insecurities. The evil that lurked deep within. Rooted in the image of perfection her parents wanted to create. A perfection that did not exist. Could not exist ever.

The smell of the food her mother had prepared filled her nose. Beginning to change the paranoia into jealousy. A feeling close to anger yet wasn't. Jealousy seemed worse. Seemed to fuel vengeance and spite. Made her turn into someone she didn't want to be. Made her want to become something she never intended to become. A hate-filled being wanting to inflict pain on anything even herself. Needing to do it because the jealousy controlled her.

She stared at the four places set on the table, wishing to slam one of the plates on the ground. Wishing her brother would cease to exist. Wanting her parents to stop creating a land of lies. A land of perfection. Of this place where their family was normal. Normal with their two kids, a boy and a girl. Normal with a family dog obedient and smart. Normal. Normal and perfect.

Things could only be normal and perfect in Hollywood. In fairy tales that ended with Happily Ever After. Their life ended with a question mark. It ended with more questions. Ended not with answers or a period because nothing was ever over. Nothing was ever all neat and tidy. Nothing was ever wrapped up where every loose end and every unknown was uncovered.

She passed through the hallway. Running up and down it to shake the emotions. The jealousy. The fear. Running to let the thoughts drift away as her breathing echoed through the narrow hallways. She let herself focus on it before trying anything else. Before she had to go to extremes to shake it off. Before she had to reach for that container hidden in her room. Pills with the letter E on them. White powder. A container holding substances that helped her. Shook of emotions when it got out of hand. Made her feel when she was just an empty being walking around like a void.

She ran past the picture frames that lined up in the hallway. Letting them become nothing but blurs. Ran up the hallway again. Down it once more. The emotions and thoughts not able to catch up as she sprinted down the dark corridors. The empty hallways lined up with pictures.

Photos of a family. A family with wide smiles as they posed in front of their house that Christmas. A boy with light brown hair and green eyes. A girl with blonde hair and brown eyes. A dog between the both of them. Parents looking proud.

Perfection once again. A moment where her parents had created a mask of flawlessness for people to see. Underneath it lurked the darkness that consumed them because nothing could ever be immaculate both in and out.

She tried to push the picture away from her thoughts. The more she saw it, the more emotions crashed into her. The more it burned itself into her memory, the more she wanted to destroy the normalcy. Wanting them to know the truth. Wanting to show them how delusional they were. Delusional, oblivious, and ignorant to the world.

"Isabel c'mon Jake's home!" The voice snapped her out of her thoughts. Sending her back into the hallway. Into this dark house that was beginning to creep her out.

Isabel's run slowed into a trudge, wanting her mother's voice to sound less enthusiastic. She sounded like a kid on Christmas Day, excited about Santa's visit, but Isabel knew it wasn't Santa who was awaiting her at the door.

He came into her view. His light brown hair tousled. His eyes sunken and lifeless like she remembered. The air around her shifted. The fear beginning to rise again. It wasn't Santa who'd come home. Far from it. Far from the jolly round man who brought happiness to little kids. It was her brother.

Her brother who caused the fear within her like always. Making her feel the deceptions were too much. That the world of pretend would suck her in and beings watched her, knowing the secret. That this was not a perfect family. Not even close.

"Hey!" She gave him a small nod as she stood there. The jealousy beginning to stir within. Her voice flat and lifeless unlike her parents who were beaming at him as if he was something to be adored. Someone they could trust. Someone who hadn't come back from the place they sent him to. A correctional facility to keep him from over dosing, from breaking laws, from hurting people anymore than he already has.

She stared at them. Watched, as they looked so happy to see him. They never appreciated her that much. Never showed her that much adoration. She wanted to scream.

She wanted to show them the truth. Wanted to explain to them the law of perfection. The law that states it isn't found in this world. Not found anywhere, but Hollywood.

She wanted to explain the picture to them. The family picture hanging in the hallway. Picture of perfection with the two kids and a dog and proud parents.

The dog was dead.

Their daughter got lost along the way.

Their son long gone.

Couldn't they see?
---
Got it in earlier than I expected. Hope it didn't sound too rushed. Oh yeah, sorry if I made anyone uncomfortable when I implied drug use *shrug* maybe you didn't notice, but if you did and didn't like it... sorry.

[ edited 1 time(s), last at 2-Jun-2002 12:39:22 PM ]
posted on 3-Jun-2002 9:52:52 PM by E.T.
Wench on a Leash - Thanks for the feedback!! *happy* Yeah, that's how I figure things too! No ones ever normal. There's really no definition for it. Those family on TV like "Full House" "Leave It To Beaver" "7th Heaven" etc. are all just fake and a load of crap cuz no family is that happy or that perfect! Thanks for the link for that quiz! Those quizes are fun to take... only thing is I know nothing about the movie Empire Records. Never heard of it til now actually!

KitCat26- Thanks for the feedback!! OK... I got a question... what's the movie Empire Records? Like I said before, I've never heard of it til you guys mentioned it. So it's good huh? I'll probably go to Blockbuster to check it out once finals are over...
I'm glad you liked the Christmas story *happy* I saw the feedback you left on it (Thanks by the way).

roswellluver- thanks for the feedback!

aZNroSweLl anglgrl- thanks for the feedback!

IceRose- Yeah I think there's some addiction to those quizzes cuz once you start you can't seem to stop! Anyway thanks for the feedback. The healing and bonding won't come til near the ending *sad* They still got more mistakes to make til they see that dim light in the end of the tunnel.

BelevnDreamsToo- Thanks for the feedback!!

shelbecat- Thanks for the feedback!!


OK, well I dunno when I'm gonna be able to update the story this week. Too much crap going on (finals and evil teachers wanting me to work even if school's almost over) so I might not even update til Friday, but I'll TRY my best to put up a part either tomorrow or Wednesday.

[ edited 1 time(s), last at 3-Jun-2002 9:54:09 PM ]
posted on 5-Jun-2002 8:48:40 PM by E.T.
Kitcat26- Yeah I'm gonna go check the movie out this weekend! I rented the movie, but I'm not allowed anywhere near the TV til finals are over *sad* Well, I'll keep in mind not to go worry my head off about getting a part... Stress does suck! Evil teachers... don't they seem to become worse JUST when the year is about to be over? Hey, so did ya take your Spanish final yet? How was it? (If I'm making you postpone any more studying by posting this, I hope you at least enjoy the part)

care bears- thanks for the feedback!

Disclaimer: Don't own the characters

Chapter 7B
The voices echoed in her ears. Each voice so distant and loud. Each word seeming as though it would take forever to process in her mind. Meaningless and insignificant. The words had become a sort of foreign language to her ears. Never making sense anymore. Like a machine's memory, her mind was incapable of absorbing anymore of their discussion. Their discussion of money and politics. Of their world's so small and consisted mainly of their offices and homes. Lives so dull she couldn't take listening to it anymore. Yesterday. Today. Tomorrow. All the same. Blurring into a day that was lived everyday.

"Hey."

The voice snapped her out of her trance. Sending her crashing back into what was in front of her. Banishing away her thoughts for the moment. She stared at the owner of the voice. The man sitting directly across the table from her. His eyes appearing as if they could read right through her. Read her thoughts as they burned right through her eyes.

"Hey." She mumbled back. Her voice flat and monotonous. There wasn't a hint of life in them. The place having sucked it out of her, like a black hole. Detecting life. Sucking it in. And destroying it. The coldness of the room destroying part of her. The part of her that had life in it when this dinner had begun now changed into a void.

"Talk much?"

He tried to smile, but failed. His face stony as he watched her from across the table. Unsure of how to proceed now. Wanting to ease the growing tension between them, but not knowing how.

"Nope." She shook her head. Blocking out the other voices talking along with her. The other occupants of the table who considered her invisible right now. Invisible because she had yet to prove she could amount to something.

His face fell.

Well, maybe it did. It was hard to tell when his emotions changed now. His face so unreadable unlike before. The wall he put up blocking anyone from reaching him. Too thick to break down unlike hers. So different from the person she knew before. The person who used to be her only ally. The person who was full of life and treated her just the way she wanted to be treated. Letting her make her own decisions. Letting her live her own life.

"Oh."

This new one seemed to be void of feeling. Smiles so fake they looked ready to fall off. Smiles that appeared more like scowls. Laughs so hollow she had to question if he was ever happy anymore. His face so empty and lifeless she doubted he was living inside that shell he'd become.

"Ever gonna take me around the city?" She asked finally. The silence at their end of the table beginning to send her to her thoughts again. Starting to force her to listen to the other voices. Voices that did not make sense. Voices giving her a throbbing headache as she sat listening to them.

"Yeah." He nodded. His focus somewhere else now. Loosing himself in another world like her. Eyes glazing over in boredom, appearing as if he'd rather be any place, but at that table. Wanting to be anywhere else, but with his parents. Parents and relatives still watching him like a hawk. Holding their breath waiting for a wrong move.

"How is New York anyway?" Their father turned his head around to stare at two of his three children. Joining the conversation uninvited and unwelcome.

"Fine, Dad. Just fine," He waved him off, his eyes focused on the wall behind his sister. Why had he decided to join Thanksgiving dinner anyway? It was always the same story. The conversations he and his sister had memorized since they were young. Talks about politics and money and business. Lives not fully lived, cramped in their offices for hours a day, trying to top everybody else in the world.

She watched him look away from their dad. Watched him trying to control his anger. His shoulders beginning to shake from the emotion as he sat there. Hatred burning through his eyes, but their father neither cared nor noticed. Oblivious to the emotions running through both of them. Emotions now clearly written in their faces. Flickering through their eyes. Their father's thoughts only on the mere fact that his only son was on his way to success. On his way to becoming a doctor. A psychiatrist.

She wanted to scream at that point. Tell them just what she thought about the pressure. About their expectations. Wanted to know if they were so closed off that they did not notice their own children had detested the path set out before them from the beginning. Created a path for them to walk without discussing it with them. Forcing them to walk it.

She longed for the day when she could explain it to them. Explain how she wanted to live their life. How the pressure they put on her to become a success was too much to bear. Too much to carry because she just couldn't do it. Didn't have the energy. Didn't have the passion to become what they wanted her to become.

"What d'you wanna be when you grow up Tess?" Her grandfather's eyes piercing her own as he watched her from his end of the table. Eyes were beginning to look over at her. Several pair of eyes beginning to judge her as she fidgeted in her seat. Anxiety attacking as she sat there silent. Panic quickly engulfing her as she sat gripping tightly to the fork in her hand as if life depended on it.

Their stares were beginning to feel as if they could read her mind. Read her thoughts filled with distraught as she felt the walls closing in on her. Inching in closer to the point where she couldn't breathe. Couldn't move. Coulnd't do much, but stare.

She imagined herself telling her grandfather just what she wanted to be. What she, not her parents, dreamed about becoming. Informing him of how she wanted to see the world. To be more human than they would ever be. Pictured the looks they would send her. Disappointed and disapproving looks that always sent a rush of guilt and anger through her. Guilt and anger that crashed against each other. Making you feel less than what you really are and angrier than you've ever imagined becoming. Wanting to let it out by screaming. Wanting to let it all out, but you never can because it attaches itself to you. Forever leaving its mark.

She cleared her throat and answered with the reply they were all expecting. The answer that her parents had drilled into her mind ever since the question had existed.

"A lawyer, Grampa."

She didn't dare meet anybody's eye. The frustration starting to creep through the cracks of the wall she had placed between herself and her family. The frustration beginning to show in her face and that would be unacceptable. Intolerable because she was supposed to be happy about the idea. Glad at the thought of becoming a lawyer just like her older sister. Glad at the thought of being stuck in an office, unable to travel the world she longed to see. A world of adventure and places that brimmed with excitement. Places that couldn't just be visited through books...

She was expected to be pleased at the thought of fighting people's battles for them. Winning cases and hoping someday to become a judge like her grandfather had been. But she couldn't be pleased. Couldn't find any way of feeling joyful when the path she was being forced to take was mentioned...

...How could she fight others’ battles when she couldn't even fight her own?
---

So... what d'you think?
posted on 7-Jun-2002 4:37:10 PM by E.T.
Author's Note:

Just saying thanks for the feedback *happy*

Kitcat26- *happy* Thanks for the feedback... Yeah I think you just said you felt sorry for Tess... who woulda thought huh? Damn that musta sucked... going to school ready for the test and the damn teacher doesn't show up! Thank god summer's almost here so the stress can finally go away for a couple of months!

Wench on a Leash - Yeah you're getting good at figuring them out *happy* Thanks for the feedback! What you said about it being emotive and stuff... don't worry it made perfect sense to me ;) Cool you're out of school the same day I am... I cannot wait for summer to come... more time to spend on the internet, no hecticness at all! 4 more school days to go!
Wow, that song by Alanis Morisette amazingly describes how parents don't always show unconditional love to their kids... Damn I gotta start listening to her.

roswellluver- Thanks for the feedback!

BelevnDreamsToo- Thanks for the feedback! I'm not sure myself if any of them are happy in the slightest... ;)

IceRose- Thanks for the feedback!!


I probably will get a part in tomorrow, but if I'm in a writing mood, I'll get a part in by tonight....

posted on 8-Jun-2002 4:33:41 PM by E.T.
izzylizard- thanks for the feedback!!! *happy* I'm really glad you enjoyed it. And it's great to know that the part about the rain almost made you sad that summer was coming *happy*


Well before anyone starts reading, I had to warn you guys the part's probably gonna suck (damn writer's block)...

Disclaimer:Don't own the characters

Chapter 8A
The seconds ticked away slowly. Time going slower than usual. Minutes dragging on as she toyed with her food. She grimaced at her failed attempt at blocking away her mother's voice.

"Are you listening?!"

She looked up and sighed. What now? What important announcement did she have to listen to this time? Did her mother get a new boyfriend once again? Or was she planning on giving her a heart-wrenching speech that would lead to a warm daughter-mother moment?

"What?" She tried to keep her voice from sounding so annoyed. Tried to keep from showing any form of frustration, but failing miserably yet again.

"I was asking about school. How is it?" Her mother choosing to ignore the annoyance in her voice. The smile returning on her face.

"Great. Amazing, actually! I'm having a great time!"

Her voice dripping with sarcasm, but it went undetected once again. It was as if her words were not heard. Disappeared before it reached her mother's ears. She felt like talking to a wall. A wall that talked, but wouldn't listen.

Her mother beamed. Smiled proudly thinking she was finally becoming like her. Popular and sociable. One of the elite at school.

How wrong she was!

"What happened to your friends? I haven't seen them much anymore..."

She sighed. What was it tonight? Were they playing twenty questions now? What had happened to the silence that had surrounded them for the past months?

"They're busy." She mumbled avoiding the questioning look she received. She hoped she didn't have to elaborate on the subject. Explain that they were all busy changing. Moving on to other things. Some better, some not. Moving on without the others, all lost in different worlds.

Where was the conversation headed anyway? It wasn't as if she'd ever been interested in her life. For the past few months it had been nothing, but an awkward silence between them. An odd silence that filled the apartment when the two of them were stuck in it with nowhere to go.

Was her mom actually interested or just asking questions for the hell of it? She didn't know anymore. A part of her hoped for the previous, but knew it was more of the latter. She was just trying to ease the growing tension between them.

"Alex, he hangs around here a lot doesn't he?"

And there it was. The only reason they were even having this conversation. Why was she not surprised?

She glanced over at her mom. The look she was sporting was a dead give away. Confirming what she already knew. Her mother was in no way interested in her life. Just her love life.

Just asking questions to make sure she didn't turn up like her mother had. She was making sure she didn't end up creating a mistake at a young age like her mother had. Like she was and always will be the huge mistake in her mother's life.

"What about him?" The irritation so clear in her voice it would be so hard to miss. Her eyes filled with anger as her mother began talking. Talking as if she had her all figured out. Talking as if she knew exactly what was going on in her life.

"You and Alex, that's great Maria, but I hope you're not..." She began. Concern shining through her eyes as she stared at her only child and although Maria knew the intentions were good she still hated it. Hated how her mother thought she had her figured out. That she knew exactly what Maria was going through. She had no right jumping to conclusions. No right attempting on lecturing her on something she didn’t have a clue about!

Her and Alex were friends. They were like family, connected not by blood, but something more special.

"MOM!" She yelled over her mother's voice. Not in the mood to have another discussion about boys. Not in the mood to protesting and wasting her already dying energy on something that would get nowhere.

"Maria-" Her mother tried to begin once again. Appearing completely sincere about it. God, Maria wanted to lean her head back and scream. Scream until her lungs burst. Scream a high-pitched scream that would make the windows break.

It was a lot worse than talking to wall, she decided. A lot worse because a wall you could walk away from.

"He's a friend!" She groaned knowing the thoughts circulating through her mother as that excuse flew out of her mouth. Her mother already assumed she was just denying it. Denying it like she had when she was Maria's age. Assuming Maria was on the same path that she had been at her age. The same path that would destroy her life.

"Look I know what it's like OK? I was your age too..." Her mother went on eyes locked on hers. Her words beginning to fade away as rage took over. Anger controlling her thoughts that it took so much to keep from screaming.

I know what it's like. The words continued to ring in her ears. Echoing loudly over the pounding of her heat. Reverberating in her mind louder than her wildly beating heart.

She stared at anything but her mother. Anger shining through her eyes. Why couldn't she listen? Why couldn't she understand? When would she ever open her ears and really listen to what Maria was saying?!

She didn't know what it was like. Didn't know how it was to go to school everyday and have the others treat you like crap. Didn't know how it was to go home to have no one listen to you. To have only your room to stay in for comfort. Didn't know what it was like to only have a few friends, and even those friends couldn't always understand.

Her mother didn't go through any of that. She had been part of the elite of her school. Popular and loved by all. How could she know what it was like to feel as if she didn't deserve to be anywhere. Feel as if she could never belong.

You don't know me at all! Maria thought angrily as she sat farther back in her chair. She watched her mother continue talking, but tuning out the words. She watched while wanting to speak her mind for once. Wanting to stop the assumptions her mother made about her. Wanting to explain, but not being able to find the words. What words could she use that would explain it all? What words would her mother listen to? How could she even explain it to a person who couldn't understand, who never tried to understand her in the first place?!
---

Did it sound like I had no idea what the hell I was doing? Constructive criticism is welcome...

[ edited 1 time(s), last at 8-Jun-2002 4:34:15 PM ]
posted on 9-Jun-2002 9:03:24 PM by E.T.
Wench on a Leash - Thanks for the feedback *happy* I'm glad the part didn't suck as much as I thought it did.

starbright- thanks for the feedback!

Kitcat26- Yeah, gold star for you for getting Maria right *happy* Cool you're a CC junkie? I am too. I can't see any of them together, but the way they're suppose to be. M/L, M/M, A/I, etc. I bet you'd ace a test on fics you read *big*

Meagzie- Thanks for the feedback *happy* Thanks for sharing the song by the Barenaked Ladies. It does remind me of them. I'm glad, you're glad that you checked the fic out... um did that make sense?

IceRose- Thanks for the feedback! I dunno how they're going to end up opening up and leaning on their friends. Somehow, someway... I'll make 'em do it! ;)

roswellluver- thanks for the feedback!

sweetyalda- thanks for the feedback! Hope you continue reading...


Alright this part's been nagging me so bad since yesterday. Had to get it out or I wouldn't be able to focus on studying! Hope you guys like it!

Diclaimer: Don't own the characters

Chapter 8B
Left

Right

Left


He watched his feet as he made his way to school. His head hung low, his focus only on the ground that passed slowly beneath him. He studied the cracks on the sidewalk, remembering the game he'd played as a child. He'd walk around everywhere making sure never to step on the cracks. The rhyme had been the reason for the game.

Step on a crack. Break your Mother's back.

He'd taken it seriously as a kid. Thought that stepping on a crack really meant he'd break his mother's back. He believed so many other things back then too. Imagination brimming with all sorts of odd stories and beliefs. Of fantasy lands and imaginary friends. Of so many happy places, where nightmares could never catch you.

It was different now. Now he had a firm hold on reality. Now fantasy was best left to movies and books. Now he believed nothing, but the cold hard facts. Now he was in over his head with reality.

A song suddenly burst into his mind. A tune he couldn't put his finger on, but he didn't like it. Didn't like the upbeat way it played. The way it mixed with the sunlight that he was basking in creating an odd sort of happiness that loomed over him. Not the happiness that made you smile. The happiness that made you question if there was something else lurking underneath it. A depressing sort of thing hidden inside.

He groaned as he felt the urge to whistle the unknown tune. A song that sounded very much like some of the songs his younger sister listened too. Kid songs filled with odd words. Kid songs that didn't make sense, but easily stuck to your head.

"Hey."

He glanced over at the owner of the voice. The boy quickly caught up with him. His eyes staring of into space as they walked in silence. His brown eyes were half-closed, energy lacking in each step he took, appearing more like a zombie than human.

"Michael." He plastered on a smile to show that he was happy to have a companion, wondering if Michael could detect the smile was anything, but real.

"If anybody pulls up next to us, just run." Michael ordered. His voice cold and filled with anger.

Michael couldn't push the memories of the morning away. The scene repeating over and over again no matter how hard he tried to push it away. The whole scene going over and over once more, ignoring his pleas for it to stop.

" What the hell are you doing here?!" He yelled at his father standing in the middle of his mother's living room, a pleading look in his eyes...

He tried shoving it away. Tried to focus on what the other boy was saying, but found he couldn't. His focus remained on the morning he had so far.

" We've gotta talk... We need to talk this over, son." His father pleaded once again, reaching over to him, as he stood in the middle of the living room.

Hatred surged as he stared at the man in front of him. His father, pleading with him to talk. What was there to talk about? It was clear from his actions. Clear as crystal that no longer was Michael his son. He'd finished being his son since he was 8 and his father had left without saying a word. Left his mother and him that night when he had been 8.

"We have nothing to talk about." He backed away from his father. Eyes stone cold, trying without success to shove the other emotions away. The emotions that weren't anger or hatred. Emotions that always made people weaker...


"You didn't do something illegal did you?" The other one asked with a small smile as he tilted his head to stare at Michael.

"No." Michael replied. His voice sounding far away. Eye remaining straight ahead, staring of into space.

..." You took off without saying a word the other day! What do you mean we have nothing to talk about?!" His father was yelling now. Yelling at him. Now he had the right to yell?!

"I'm going to be late for school."

He looked at the floor, fists clenched at his side as he tried to reach the door. His statement not a complete lie.

"I'm going to pick you up today. We have to get you suited for your tux, have a long talk about you're behavior, which is unacceptable! There's a little boy that looks up to you now!"

That was all it took to let the anger burst through. All it took to push him over the edge. Mentioning the wedding once more. Mentioning that boy that took number one place in his heart, now. Not Michael, but the boy.

The colors were nothing, but a blur. The moments that happened next went by too fast. He felt his fist connecting with the wall next to him. Felt a stinging pain spread through his hand and shoot through his arm. The anger still engulfing him as he stood there.

"Screw you!" Michael screamed as he sprinted out of the house. His head still spinning from what had happened...


"Michael! Michael!" The voice snapped him immediately out of his thoughts. Stared at the car that was right next to them, driving at the same pace they were walking.

The emotions all came back. Strangling him as he stood there frozen for a second. Instincts took over quickly. Breaking into a run to get to school ignoring the pleas of his father. His lungs burned as he ran through the sidewalk. Burning from the lack of oxygen as he ran through the two blocks until he reached the school. Ran through the double doors into the safety of the building.

He found it odd how the building could change from a prison into a sanctuary. One moment it kept him safe, the next it imposed dangers unseen to the naked eye. People brushed against him. Some shoving him out of his way as he stood their gasping for breath. The other boy stood by him, gulping down much needed oxygen from their run.

The boy opened his mouth to speak. Wanting to know what the problem was too help. Wasn't that what friends, even past friends were for? People that helped you through problems. People who made sure you didn't end up killing yourself from a stupid stunt. People who made you smile and laugh during you're most terrible days.

"Save it Maxwell!" Michael's voice was cold as he glared at the boy. He didn't want to hear any speeches from anybody. Didn't want to forgive his father. Didn't want to do anything, but wallow in the state he was in. Hide in his own corner of the world for awhile, and maybe when he'd finally come out it would all be OK. " I don't give a damn about what you think. Don't wanna hear any advice you got. I don't wanna hear it. Not from you. Not from anybody. Got it?"

He stalked off leaving Max staring at his retreating form. Leaving Max to the silence. The space between his words louder than any of the words he had spoken. It was clear now. Clearer than before that it wasn't the same anymore. Probably would never be the same again.

Strangers now. That's who they were. Strangers. Acquaintances. People who couldn't go to each other to bitch about the world and their problems.

He wandered to his locker. Wandered aimlessly in the hallway, hoping that wherever he went would eventually lead to the class he had. His focus lost. His entire mind wandering off without him.

The sun shone through the window as he took his seat. Thankful that he had found the classroom. The sun was mixing with the loud music in his head. The music the same one that had been stuck in his head earlier that morning. The bright sunshine and the music creating a fake happiness of sorts. Creating a happiness that only left him emptier than before.

---
I had to type this pretty quickly... I'll come back later and correct and stupid mistakes...
posted on 12-Jun-2002 9:39:27 PM by E.T.
Author's Note: (Just a bunch of quick thank you's)

IceRose- Thanks for the feedback!!! *big* I appreaciate it lots

Synr- Hi, thanks for checking out the story and for leaving feedback *happy*

Wench on a Leash - I really wanna say more than thanks for the feedback, but I gotta make this really quick. Don't know where to start with all the thanks. First off, thanks for those things you said about the fic. *big* And thanks so much for the nominations... I checked out the forum earlier and saw them.

BelevnDreamsToo- Thanks for the feedback! *happy* Yeah Max is going through the motions.

starbright- Thanks for the feedback! *happy*

shelbecat- *big* Thanks for the feedback!!!

Kitcat26- Don't worry I'll keep it quiet that your sneaking into the boards while your in class... *wink* Thanks for the feedback and the nomination *happy*


Week's been hell so far... I dunno when I'll be able to get the next part up since it's the last week of school and reality's keeping me grounded. I'll post it ASAP though.
posted on 12-Jun-2002 9:58:17 PM by E.T.
Shhhh... I'm s'pposed to be somewhere else right now...

LOL, ITA with Wench on a Leash, Kitcat, you're quick at responding! Ooh and you were getting pissed at her while she was sick... no I'm kidding, not trying to pile on the guilt or anything. I'm outta school by tomorrow too! Wohoo!!
posted on 18-Jun-2002 10:08:51 PM by E.T.
miss_Roswell- *happy* Thanks for the feedback!! It's nice to seeing new people around here.

Wench On A Leash- Yeah it's working!! *big*

Kitcat26- The masterful plan sure is working *happy* Enjoyed the convo the other night too.

Disclaimer:I don't own the characters

Chapter 9A
The sun shone brighter. The rays warming her face as she played in the backyard with her friend. He was chasing her around the yard with a water gun. Laughing as she squealed in horror at the ice cold water hitting her back. She yelled and screamed for him to stop between gasps of laughter as she ran in circles. He was not far behind...

... and then he wasn't.

She turned around. Fear creeping inside her as she stared at the spot her best friend had stood in. Stared at the water gun he had been holding just minutes ago. Where was he?

The tears threatened to spill as she watched. Maybe the boogeyman got him. Maybe the ground had swallowed him open. Maybe... maybe... maybe...

She spun around trying to find anybody to help her. Screamed to see if anybody would respond. Would come running and help her find her friend. Maybe he was just playing a joke on her. He was probably hiding in the house...

She took a hesitant step towards the house. Unsure of her next move. Her mother had told her to stay outside. Not to bother Grandpa, but what could she do? He had run in there first. He'd been the first one to break the rules. It would be his fault if they got into trouble. She'd blame him and say it was all his fault. Her mother would listen.

She sprinted towards the house. Going as fast as her 6-year-old legs would let her. The doors had trouble opening, but she finally got it to open. He had to be in there somewhere. In the house hiding. And then he'd pop up out of nowhere and laugh and say Boo. Wasn't he always doing that?

"MICHAEL!" She yelled running through the halls. She didn't remember them being this empty. Being this large. Maybe she'd gone into a different house. But there was her room. And Mom and Dad's room. She was just imagining it. The house was the same.

She ran faster down the hall. Why did the hallway seem longer? Maybe Michael had gone to her grandfather's room to listen to one of his stories. Stories about far away places. About princes and princesses. About living happily ever after.

"MICHAEL!" She yelled louder. Where was her friend? She pushed the door to her grandfather's room open and screamed at the sight in front of her.

No. It couldn't be. Where was she? This wasn't home. Couldn't be home. It had to be someone else's Grandpa.

Her grandfather was sprawled on the floor. Not moving. His chest not moving up and down. She tried not to cry as she crawled over to him. Where was everybody? Why had they all gone away?

"Grandpa." She whispered shaking him. Tears streaming quickly down her face.

"Grandpa." She said louder and directly into his ear. Why wasn't he waking up? Was he mad at her?

"GRANDPA!" She yelled. He had to wake up. Everybody woke up when she yelled really loud. What was wrong with him?

"GRANDPA!! WAKE UP!!" She screamed. Over and over again. Her small hands on his shoulders trying to shake him awake. She'd seen this somewhere. A movie once, but she couldn't remember. She didn't want to remember what happened to people who didn't wake up.

She shut her eyes tight. Not wanting to remember what this meant. What people who never, ever woke up from going to sleep went.

She crawled next to him with tears in her eyes. Placing her head on top of his chest. Waiting to hear the rhythmical heartbeat she always heard when she was in this position. Where was it? Where had it gone? No he couldn't be... couldn't... this was her Grandfather. He was... he was like Superman!

She started crying louder. Her eyes closed shut. Why was she the only one there? Why was she so alone? Where was everybody else?! She felt her chest get tight as a sob escaped her. They all left her alone. Left her by herself.


She bolted up from her bed. Tears threatening to spill over as the last scene repeated in her head. The colors so vivid. The sounds. The feel of the place. The emotions felt so real. As if she was actually living it. As if it wasn't just a dream.

Just a dream she had to remind herself. Lying back down, the tears already beginning to spill over because she couldn't fool herself. It wasn't just a dream. It was more than just a dream.

A memory. It was more a memory than a dream. She shifted position on the bed. Burying her face in her pillow as she laid flat on her stomach. The tears already streaming quickly. Falling before she had a chance to blink them back.

The memories attacking her mind along with emotions. Memories of the hospital walls. Of his room that carried his scent. Of the day she'd found him in his room. Lying there on the floor. Not breathing. Not moving...

She tried to shove it out. Tried to stop feeling. Tried to numb herself, but it wouldn't work. The feeling had already began. The emotion that caused turmoil. The sadness that made you feel empty. Sadness that was suffocating. That strangled her as she laid there. Burying her in it to the point where she couldn't feel anything, but the sadness. The emptiness that made tears fall one after another. Sadness that ate through you like acid. Tearing you down.

She reached for the drawer by her bed. Dug her hand through her clothes looking for the handle of the blade. She made contact with the cold metal. It's surface cool, sending a shiver down her spine as she pulled it out. Hand gripping tightly to the handle.

Never deep enough to kill. Never deep enough to cause damage. Just enough to bleed. Just enough to cause pain. Just enough to let the scream within out. These screams the lurked deep inside the skin.

"Liz wake up!" The voice coming from the other side of her locked bedroom door. The voice of her mother. " You're going to be late!"

She placed the blade back in the drawer. Making sure to hide it in the back. Hidden so that nobody could find it. Throwing her legs over the bed, she began her day with a wound not deep enough for her to die. Just deep enough to keep her in control. Control of herself. Of emotions.

Control- the one thing she couldn't have in this world.

---
Sound weird?? Sound bad?? Sound OK?? Did you like it or hate it??
posted on 20-Jun-2002 10:55:15 PM by E.T.
Wench on A Leash- Thanks for the feedback! I love Silverchair! My favorite song from them is Ana's Song which I know is about anorexia.

IceRose- thanks for the feedback!

Kitcat26- Thanks for the feedback! I know what that's like. My computer screws up all the time! It's always freezing or crashing, sometimes I end up hitting it. You're lucky, you actually learn something in Health class. My health class teacher sucks. This year we learned "we hafta save the world because we're in it."

miss_Roswell- Thanks for the feedback! Glad you're not annoyed that I don't reveal the character til the end *happy*


Keep in mind, while you're reading this, I'm really sleep at the moment so I dunno if any of it will make sense. I'm just posting cuz I have nothing else to do, well on with the story...

Disclaimer: Don't own Roswell

Chapter 9b
He glanced from his food to the wall. Food to the wall. Nothing seemed to be holding his interest. The conversations around him. They seemed to be spoken in a completely different language that he just couldn't figure it all out anymore. Something about the other day. Something about a guy. Something about what they thought about some guy on that day.

Gossip. Some almighty, high and powerful assholes were talking about all the geekiness of all the people below them. He was a part of this. This ridiculous... thing. Life. He was part of this ridiculous thing called life.

"Hey." She glanced up at him. With her bright blue eyes trying to figure out what was wrong with him. The agitated look in his eyes was not hidden, but out in the open. Glancing at everyone around him as if he was about to kill them all. Shoot them all right then and there.

"'Sup?" He tried to grin. Tried to smile, but nothing. He just glanced up before looking back down at his food, then back up at her again. Sitting at her spot next to some other cheerleader. Across from him.

She shrugged before joining the foreign chatter. Where was the mute button when you needed it?!

"Somethin' wrong?" She asked quietly. His eyes still filled with complete frustration. Eyes filled with hatred. With sadness. With a mix of emotions it was almost hard to tell which ones he was feeling, which ones he wasn't.

He glanced at her. Trying to figure out whether to tell her. Whether or not to keep his mouth shut. What could he tell her anyway? That he wasn't happy because his father was finally spending quality time with him. That he wasn't happy his father was know showing some sort of interest in his life.

He hung his head down. Avoiding staring at her eyes. She managed to figure him out with a look. Like he had a sign hanging above his head. A huge neon sign that flashed exactly what was wrong with him.

" Christmas vacation is coming up now isn't it?" His father grinned from where he sat at the table, sipping coffee and actually eating breakfast. At home. He felt as if he were in an episode of the Twilight Zone.

"You're here." He'd mumbled running his hand through his hair trying to fix it up as he stared at his father. His mind a numb haze. Was it a dream or was he still sleeping?


"You there..."

"Ugh... yeah 'course I'm here." He nodded still staring at his uneaten lunch. He warned himself not to look up. Not to focus on anything that happened around him. He'd snap if he did. Scream until he injured his vocal cords.

Was it stress that was making him so confused?

Stress- the confusion created when the mind overpowers the physical desire to kill the jackasses who deserve it. In this case, jackass. One jackass. The biggest one in his life.

His father gave him a questioning look as he sat down across from him. " There something wrong with me being here?"

"Nope." He shook his head. His mind still a haze. Confusion raging within it.

"So Christmas vacation... you wanna take a trip?" His father smiled. A wide smile that was contagious.

He found himself smiling along. Feeling giddy. Like Christmas had come earlier than he expected. Like the past was all wiped out and all he could think about was his father and him actually having a conversation. Actually planning a trip.


He'd actually been happy. At the mention of a trip, he was oddly happy. He knew most of the others in this place would have hated being stuck alone in a room of a parent. Alone for two hours was torture enough for most.

Not him. Attention was something he craved. Hungered for ever since his father had buried himself in his life's work. Absorbed in his job completely. Ever since he lost both his parents, his mother in the literal sense, his father metaphorically, in the same year.

"Something did happen." She went on. Ignoring that he had already stopped listening. Stopped paying attention to anything.

"Jim!" Someone's voice came from the door. A female voice. A female voice calling his father by his first name. Whoever did that?!

"Have you told him yet?!" She appeared in the doorway. A smile on her face as wide as his fathers. He felt his heart beat wildly. Pounding against his chest loudly.

"Amy!" His father smiled wider. Wider it was getting wider by the minute. " Not yet."

He felt as if someone had kicked his stomach as all the air in his lungs escaped him. He should've expected this. The kick reality couldn't help, but deliver every chance it got.

"Tell me what, Dad?" He asked. Smile beginning to falter. Afraid of the next thing that would be out of his father's mouth.

"We're going on a ski trip Christmas vacation! Amy, me, you, and Maria, we're all going!" His father grinned. Arm around his girlfriend's waist as he pulled her closer to him.

Of course it wasn't about him and his father. Why should it be? His father was merely asking him to tag along on a vacation intended for him and his girlfriend. That was all he was. Some tag-along. Some kid he couldn't leave behind.


"Kyle, you wanna talk about it?" She asked once more. Trying to get it out of him. Trying to help him with his problem. She needed it somehow. Help him out of the state he was in. Help him out of his problems to quit thinking about her own. Drive her problems away by welcoming his.

"Kyle..."

Her voice sounded far away. Getting closer as his thoughts began to wash away. His focus returning back in the cafeteria of the school. Focus returning on the conversation. On the wall. On the person across from him.

Everything hitting him all at once that it was too much. His thoughts. This place. The conversations. The sounds.

"Kyle... Kyle? You there? What's wrong..."

He buried his head in his hands. Everything too much.

"What's wrong..."

"We're going..."

"...Wrong..."

"...Trip..."

"...Amy..."


"NOTHING!" He screamed. Right at her. Staring right at her blue eyes. Tired of this place. Tired of everything. Wanting. Desperately wanting to shut down. To run away. To just stop the world and step of it.

"Nothing is fucking wrong with me, Tess!" He screamed, getting up and walking away.

Stress. He repeated in his head. Turning it into a mantra. Stress was to blame here. It wasn't his fault he'd snapped. There was no reason to feel guilty that he'd yelled at her.

The picture of her face filled with hurt flew into his mind. The picture enough to send him into a corner filled with guilt. A corner filled with anger. A corner of the world filled with nothingness.
---
I'll be back tomorrow to edit, which is really dumb of me, but it's summer (which isn't really a good excuse but still)...
posted on 23-Jun-2002 1:45:26 PM by E.T.
*bangs head on keyboard*

Damn writer's block. I can't figure out what to do on the next part! So thanks for the feedback by the way and um... I really don't know when I'll be able to get the next part out. I mean I have the whole idea and I know what I want to do, but I can't get it out in words.

And um... I won't be able to get a part out next week either... at least I think so cuz there's a bunch of shit I really have to do. So I'll see you guys whenever.
posted on 23-Jun-2002 11:13:31 PM by E.T.
First off I'd like to say how much of a dumbass I am. I go complaining about damn writer's block than manage to figure out what to do with this new part and shoot the block dead (well for today at least). Yeah I'm an idiot. I gotta learn to stop complaining... Anyway... onto better stuff...

Kitcat26- That's another gold star for figuring out it was Tess and Kyle huh? That makes two! *happy* Glad you know what I mean about summer and not caring... it's a time to be lazy!!! Thanks for the feedback!

Wench on a Leash- *happy* I know I don't know many Silverchair lovers either! They're pretty few. Thanks for the feedback!

IceRose- Thanks for the feedback!

BelevnDreamsToo- Thanks for the feedback!

miss_Roswell- Well I fought it and killed it today and got a new part out!! Thanks for the feedback!!

SweetLilDreamer- Ooh someone new!! Well I hope you stick around and thanks for the feedback *happy*

Disclaimer I don't own the characters
Chapter 10A

The sound of flesh hitting metal echoed in the empty hallway. No matter how much he wanted to scream, the words don't come out. Can't come out. He remembers the last time he had screamed for help as the other boys beat him down. They'd hit quicker. Harder. The blows went farther than physically.

"I don't want you looking at her you got me?!"

The boy yelled in his ear. The voice leaving a ringing in his mind as the words echoed in the hallways. He wondered why he had stayed after school today. Of all days he chose today to say longer in his prison.

"You got me?!"

He felt his whole body being shoved back into the rows of the metal lockers. The cold metal hitting his body left a stinging pain as he bounced back. The clinging of the metal echoing in his mind. He knew he'd never forget this beating. Forever would it be burned into his memories. Every time they did this it happened. The nightmares would attack later on. Each moment repeating in his dreams.

He closed his eyes hoping it was finished. But knowing it wasn't. Not yet. They wanted him to suffer. To hurt him. Badly.

He wanted to fight back. Throw in a punch here and there, but they would punish him more. Beat him down longer or until their yells and the sound of flesh hitting flesh was finally heard. So he let them punch. Let them have their way once more. He promised himself this would be the last day. Next time he'd fight back. Next time he'd hurt them just as they were hurting him.

Next time... next time... he could see himself rolling his eyes. Next time it would be the same. He knew it, but pushed the thoughts away. Optimism was what he needed. The only thing he had at the moment.

"I got you." He gasped as a fist slammed into his stomach. The air pushed out of his lungs. His breathing ragged. He doubled over in pain.

It would be over soon. He thought to himself. Repeating it in his head. Willing the tears away. It would all be over soon. And then he'd find himself walking home once more. It would be fine soon. They'd disappear.

Two out of the three pinned him to the ground. The smiles on their faces filled his vision. Reminding him of how they were all enjoying this. They were enjoying this beat down. The torture they were putting him through was like a breath of fresh air for them.

He felt a foot on his chest. Wondered if they were going to crush his ribs this time. Kill him by crushing his ribs and letting the bones puncture his lungs.

He held his breath. His stomach tightening as the foot came down.

He bit his lower lip to keep the scream from coming. It would be over soon.

"And if I ever..."

Kick.

"See you..."

Kick.

"Talking to..."

Stomp.

"Isabel again."

Stomp. Stomp.

He closed his eyes. Bit down harder on his lower lip.

When was it going to finish?

"Or giving her those looks."

Stomp.

The air rushed out of his lungs once more as the foot directly hit him in diaphragm.

"I'll have to give you another one of these attitude fixers. And know this. She's never gonna want you, geek!"

He bent down to whisper it into his ear. His voice filled with coldness. His tone dripping with anger.

He kicked him one more time before they all finally walked away. Whooping and giving each other high fives.

He could kill them. He felt the anger rushing through him quickly. He could kill them at that moment with his bare hands. But the pain was defeating the anger. The pain was enough to destroy the anger. Numbing it all the way.

He gulped down the oxygen he needed. Winced at how much it hurt to even move. He'd have his revenge next time. Next time... What a joke. Next time he'd be on the floor once again.

"You want help?" Someone came from behind the shadows. A sympathetic smile on her face. Like he wanted her help right now. She had watched from the shadows, he knew. Not even bothering to call any teacher still in the building to help him.

"No thanks, Iz. Asking help from you is the last thing I'd wanna do now!" He yelled. Not caring if the teachers heard as his voice as it echoed down the empty hallway.

She wanted to help him now? It was finished now. And now she wanted to help him.

"Alex... I'm sorry, OK?! What did you want me to do? Jump in and tell him not to hurt you?" She stuck out her hand, but he refused it. Getting up by himself slowly. Cringing at the stinging pain traveling through his body. It hurt everywhere at the moment.

"Um... yeah?" He rolled his eyes bending over to pick up his bag. Was the concept not able to be grasped?

"He's your boyfriend. You're s'pposed to keep him under control. God knows how many people he can kill!"

He winced with each step he took. His right foot seemed to be sprained. Just his luck. The pain shot through once more as he stepped on it. Great.

"It's not like I told him to go and beat you up!" She yelled. A frown on her face as she watched him wobble away.

What right did she have to be angry at him now?

"Screw you! I can't believe I even gave you a Christmas gift!" He shook his head. Limping away from her quickly. Head hung low, knowing there was no way to even have any pride or dignity at that moment.

He looked over at the parking lot. 3 or 4 cars were the only ones left. He wobbled down the steps. Bit down on his lip as each step on his right foot caused a mind numbing pain to shoot through his entire leg.

He kept picturing his room. He'd make it home. Manage to get to his room. He imagined himself slamming the door and crawling into bed. Letting the walls protect him.

He leaned against the tree at the end of the block. Adjusted his school bag on his shoulder. Closed his eyes and placed a wall to block the tears away.

He wouldn't breakdown here. He'd wait until he reached home. Wait to reach the safety of the walls before he broke down.
---
So any thoughts on it?








[ edited 1 time(s), last at 23-Jun-2002 11:20:02 PM ]
posted on 24-Jun-2002 3:26:02 PM by E.T.
SweetLilDreamer- LOL. *happy* Thanks for the feedback!

Wench on a Leash- I know what you mean about those kids at Columbine. I mean sure video games and music are filled with violence, but nobody explodes just cuz of those things. Buttons are pushed and stuff. *happy* I love the movie Wayne's World!! Thanks for the feedback *big*

Kitcat26- Yeah it really is a fucked up world... happy ending? Well, the ending is gonna be... well... not happy, not exactly fucked up... where does that put it? LOL, well the guy, he's an asshole, he probably looked behind to make sure she was there. *happy* Hehehe well I'm glad you found it funny. Thanks for the feedback.

BelevnDreamsToo- Yeah I bet someone by the end of the story is gonna explode too *wink* Thanks for the feedback!!

So here's the new part...

Disclaimer Don't own the characters

Chapter 10B
Leaning back from her spot on the couch she watched the ceiling with fascination. Not knowing what else to do. There was nothing on TV. No one online. Even the radio wasn't holding her attention.

The phone laid next to her silent as ever. Mocking her as it sat there. She began reaching for it, but stopped herself before she could turn it on.

She wasn't going to go begging for anything. She had better things to do.

Sliding of the couch she wandered into her room. The emptiness of the house seeping into her mind. Driving her into paranoia. She had to wonder if there were ghosts in this house. If there were any watching her at the moment.

Glancing over her shoulder, sure that someone had been watching, she saw nothing, but the empty wall. The silence and isolation would get to her soon she knew.

She reached the top drawer. Pulling it out quickly and shuffling through the items til she found exactly what she needed. A small plastic bag that held the tablets. Shoving the item into her pocket, she glanced over at the phone once more.

Her thoughts screaming at her to pick it up and dial the number. To beg. To ask for forgiveness. Who would know anyway? The logical side of her argued.

She bit her lip and shook her head. No. She couldn't.

And it wasn't as if he could do anything. Not to her. What was he going to say that could actually hurt her? She was untouchable at the school. Only the few that held the same position as she did could beat her down. Could destroy her.

And she had nothing to do with it. Why was it eating her up then? The guilt. Why was it slowly eating her up?

She shoved the thoughts away running down the stairs. Barely glancing at the pictures that lined the walls. Barely looking around. She had to get away from this house.

"Where you going?" Her brother laughed. His smile twisted. His eyes sunken and bloodshot red. He laughed when she shot him a look. His mind wandering without him. His mind shot down to hell.

He stumbled with each step he took. Finally falling into the couch face first. His laughter echoed through the house. The sight launching her back to the past. To the time when he often came home stoned during those days their parents were working late. The time when she had covered it up for him. Helped him sober up.

She glanced over at him. The perfect picture of a screw up.

"Jake..." She started taking a step forward. No... it wasn't a step forward. It was one step back as she had the unsettling urge to help him. To help him up those stairs and into his room. Help him cover it up once more. This was her older brother. Her brother she hated yet cared for.

Unconditional love had it suck days.

"... Let's go." She stuck out her hand for him to take and he slapped it, giving her a high five. Rolling her eyes, she grabbed him by the wrist dragging him off the couch. Surprised at how much weight he had lost.

He just laughed as he scrambled up. Leaning against her, his legs beginning to feel like Jell-O. "Hey Isabel, wanna know a secret?" He asked laughing. His words mixing with each other. Slurring as his tongue felt heavy.

Jake continued talking. Laughing as the room felt like it was shifting under him.

"I can talk to animals." He cracked up. Laughing harder. He felt the urge to break down into song. This place was just too hilarious.

"Why can't we be -"

"- Jake, shut up!"

"- friends. Why can't we be friends." He swayed his head to the beat of the music. Another laugh escaping him.

She glanced down the stairs as they reached the top. Wanting to push him down the stairs and leaving him there, but she didn't wanna go to jail.

She kicked the door to his room open just as he reached the chorus of the song again. Shoving him into his bed letting him fall in, not caring anymore if he hurt himself as he fell in.

"Why can't we be friends..."

She walked over to her room right across the hall. Leaving both doors open to keep an eye on him. Hating how all of a sudden she had become the older one between the two of them. Hating that she had to be the responsible one between the two. When would it be her turn to let loose and get attention?

She fell into her own bed. Staring at the ceiling with fascination like earlier. The phone on her nightstand beckoning her. But she wouldn't use it. Wouldn't call Alex. Wouldn't say sorry. What was there to be sorry about?

She stared up at the ceiling. One hand behind her head. One hand digging into her pocket. Fist clenching the plastic bag in there. It was 3 years ago all over again. 3 years ago when he first came home stoned. When he first dragged her into his life. Dragged her into his mess.

She clutched to the bag tightly. Wanting to loose herself into the abyss of happiness like he had, but knew their parents couldn't find both of them so... out of it.

Clutched to the small bag like it was her lifeline as hatred coursed through her. Controlling her as it traveled through her veins. The urge to walk over to his room, kick him repeatedly, punch him like Paulie and his friends had done to Alex was strong.

Her head pounded as she kept it all in. Kept it all inside, letting it build up into something more. Unhealthy or not, it was the only thing to do.

She blamed him for so much. Her scapegoat for all the shit that piled up on her. Blamed him for helping her creating her own prison.

For letting her create that prison.
---
I know, I know another sad and fucked up part, but I dunno how exactly to wedge in some happiness... So anyway what did you think?

[ edited 2 time(s), last at 24-Jun-2002 3:28:43 PM ]
posted on 25-Jun-2002 10:47:19 AM by E.T.
Kitcat26- Yeah her bro dragged her into the world... I know a couple of people who went that way. I'm trying to remember some more stories about the idiot... I'll tell you more later... Thanks for the feedback *happy*

Wench on a Leash - *big* Don't worry, it won't be long before Isabel gets what she deserves *wink* Hmm... well I have a Max and Liz part right now... Thanks for the feedback *happy*

SweetLilDreamer- Don't worry about it... I'm not that good at leaving feedback either. Thanks for the feedback *happy*

BelevnDreamsToo- About that question... It's.... well... I mean... it's hard for people to jump in something they're not part of especially if you're being judged. At school, you defend the geek, you must be a geek yourself... and with your family... it's unconditional love y'know? No matter how much they piss you off, you gotta take care of 'em...Well at least that's how I see the world. Thanks for the feedback *happy*

I have mentioned before how much I suck at these M/L parts right??? So I mean if you guys hate it... blame it on my lack of ugh romance knowledge... hell it's not even romance... it's just a scene with the two of them in it that I think sucks a bit... Anyway on with the show...

Disclaimer Don't own the characters

Chapter 11A
She lifted the window up. Hating her room at the moment. Hating it for not protecting her at night. For letting the memories invade her mind. For holding unwanted memories.

She slipped out undetected. Onto the fire escape and down the ladder. She jumped off upon reaching the last rung. Walking towards nowhere. Towards... she hung her head low. Just letting her feet lead the way. Letting it all pass by in a daze, focusing only on pushing the memories away.

She wrapped her arms around herself. Trying to get warm, not expecting that it would be this cold. A flash of lightning lit up the sky. Seconds later followed by the loud rumble of thunder. Then the clouds let the water drop. The raindrops repeatedly hitting her. Soaking her as it fell quickly, but she couldn't care less.

She needed this. The way the rain let everything go. The way it washed everything away. The way it seemed so calm and dangerous all at the same time.

Rounding the corner, she found him just sitting on the park bench in the rain. His clothes hung on like a second skin. The water dripped down his face, but he didn't seem to care. He just stared of into space focusing on nothing in particular. Just his thoughts.

"Seat taken?"

He glanced up, smiling as he slid to the side to let her sit down.

"Couldn't sleep?"

She shook her head as he wrapped his arm around her shoulder. Holding her close. It seemed so much safer than her room. Out in the storm, where lightning could strike her. It seemed so much safer than her room that held memories.

"You remember how we first met?"

She nods. Not quite finding her voice yet. She lets him talk. His voice, soft and calm, keeps her from remembering too much. From wandering back into the past.

"Right here in the park. Around this time of the year. You were lost and I was walking home from my baseball game..." He smiled as the memory filled his mind. He felt her relax somewhat in his arms and he leaned his head back to watch another bolt of lightning light up the sky.

"I wasn't lost." She shook her head.

He rolled his eyes. Knowing she'd never admit she was lost that day he found her. " I told you I'd protect you. I didn't know it would end up being forever."

She smacked him on the shoulder. Glaring at him while he just smiled. The smile that seemed to hold secrets.

The roar of thunder filled the night air followed by silence. The type of silence that left you at peace.

"You wanna talk about it?" He finally asked her after many moments pass. Tilting his head sideways to watch her. She doesn't say a word. Her mind beginning to drift away again.

The silence hangs around them once more. He waits for her to begin talking just like it's always been. He always waits so she can let it all out.

"Death, it was easier when I was younger." She mumbles leaning her head against his shoulder. He holds her closer like any good friend would.

"How?" His voice is but a whisper. He waits once more before she begins.

"I... it didn't hurt as much. I mean... I knew he was gone. I knew he was.... dead. But..." She pauses. Trying to find the right words. "... It wasn't lost I felt. I could still somehow feel him around me. That he wasn't fully gone. That it was OK he was gone somehow. I just... I wasn't..." She stumbles over her words as she tries to explain it. That she hadn't broken down the day he died or the days after. That she had just accepted he was dead. The she knew almost immediately he was gone, only crying a little before going back into her daily routine.

"You were in denial?"

"No. I knew he was gone... just that... I didn't really... I just felt safer then. That it wasn't so bad he left because... because I don't know." She closes her eyes trying to figure out how to get the feeling of safety again. The one she had felt as a kid. " Now I can remember it all clearly. Not believing it happened anymore. Now it hurts. Now I don't want to remember him."

He nods. Not really understanding it. Maybe because he never lost someone to Death in his life so far. But he nods anyway. Placing a look of understanding on.

They walk away from the park bench after minutes of silence pass. The rains still falling hard around them, but neither seem to notice. She waits til they get close to his house to break the silence.

"You're heard that entire thing how many times now?" She rolls her eyes trying to keep the smile off her face. She can't believe he still puts up with her.

"You phrase it differently each time," He shrugged as they stopped by his house. " Tomorrow same time?" He doesn't have to ask, but he does. It's just the way they've been doing it for years.

She doesn't reply. Just watches him as he starts walking towards the backyard. Towards his room.

"One of these days, I get to take you home," He grumbled fiddling with the gate that led to the backyard. He doesn't have to turn around to know she's rolling her eyes as she watches him disappear into the darkness. Scoffing at the idea of him walking her home.

He reaches his window. Looking over his shoulder even though he knows she's still there. Staring off into space. Drifting back into the land of the past. He watches her for a moment. Just like he always has before crawling into his room. Not caring that he's soaking wet. That he's dripping water on everything he passes.

He kicks his shoes off before crawling into bed. Ready for sleep to claim him. Hoping his dream world would bring some happiness as he closes his eyes.
---
*crosses fingers* OK... you can flame all you want... I know I suck at M/L. I'm a dreamer, but I am just not the person to write them.


[ edited 1 time(s), last at 25-Jun-2002 10:51:54 AM ]
posted on 26-Jun-2002 8:04:34 PM by E.T.
BelevnDreamsToo- Thanks for the feedback *happy* I'm glad you found it touching...

SweetLilDreamer- *big* So I guess it didn't suck huh? Thanks for the feedback! I dunno if I can stop doubting myself... it's one of the things I'm good at *tongue*

miss_Roswell- I'm glad you liked the dreamer part *big* LOL, so you want Isabel dead huh? By any chance are you a Isabel hater too? I'll keep the parts coming fast as long as reality doesn't get in the way *wink* Thanks for the feedback!

Kitcat26- I guess that means I don't suck so much at being a dreamer *happy* Thanks for the fedback... I'll remember that.. not to put myself down or self myself short... just not sure if I'll be able to stop doing it.

Wench on a Leash- Yep, I see the big grin! Really realieved that the part was fine *happy* Thanks for the feedback!!!

Disclaimer Don't own the characters

Chapter 11B
She glanced around the dark room. Unable to sleep in this place that was nothing like home. Nothing like her room. It felt odd. To be in any place other than home. To be in some room in the middle of nowhere up in the mountains. She felt like a stranger trespassing into this unknown world.

"You awake?" The person on the other bed asked quietly. He shifted position on his bed. Lying on his side to face her. Wondering if she was unable to sleep like him. The voices in the under room disturbing him.

"Uh-huh." She nodded. Eyes closed trying to let sleep claim her. The awkward tension between the two strengthening. She didn't know how to act around him anymore. And he was the same. Their conversations had been short. The drive up silent. They were like strangers. Acting as if they had only met each other.

"Did you hear that?!" He whispers, frantically. His blue eyes filled with disgust as he tries to cover his ears. They were doing it in the other room! It was utterly revolting! They were having sex in the room next door.

"What?"

"The creaking sounds." He mumbles quietly. Trying to cover his ears as he hears them again. He wondered if some higher power wanted him deaf at such an early age. He knew a bed did not creak that way unless... oh god there it was. The thing he was trying hard to avoid. A mental picture of his father and Amy... oh god... oh god... oh god...

"You're hearing things." She rolled her eyes at him. Finally shifting position to face him. A long pause followed her statement as the awkward tension shifted around them. Becoming thicker as silent moments passed.

She cleared her throat. Racking her brains for a topic as did he. " Uh... do you ever... think about... the past?" She stumbled over her words. Cringing at how forced her voice sounded.

What happened to their friendship? What happened to feeling at ease with each other? To the jokes they'd laugh at? To those times when the silence wasn't filled with uneasy tension?

Gone! A voice in the back of her mind screamed.

"Like... all those time we hung out doing nothing, talking about nothing?" He paused. " Yeah... sometimes... I guess."

"Oh." She tried coming up with a new question. Something new to ask to fill the silence. A boring topic that would put both of them to sleep.

He rolled over. Lying on his stomach this time. Head buried in his arms. "Remember Michael's tenth birthday?" He asked with a laugh. Trying to drive the tension out.

"Yeah, my worst nightmare!"

"You liked it." He teased laughing. Feeling relaxed for the first time that day. Feeling himself relax around her for the first time since he'd said hi on the way to the mountains.

"We all slept over at his house thinking it was such a big thing. Turning 10, a double digit number..."

"And he was the first between all of us to do it so we just HAD to do something..."

"We played spin the bottle and tried to figure out what the deal was with kissing..."

They laughed as the memory of the night flew into their mind. Banishing the tension. Banishing those nagging thoughts, telling them they were no longer friends. It was as if they were back in time. Kids once again at some sleep over, talking about nothing and everything and anything else in between.

"We all dared you to kiss Michael," He laughed harder. Remembering how the both of them looked ready to kill each other by the time two minutes were over in that dark closet.

"You and Tess had a good time in there," She shot back. Glaring at him through the darkness.

"We didn't do anything!" He protested. Lying through his teeth. That had been his first kiss. The first time he had kissed a girl on the lips. He remembered the feeling. The excitement. That rush that hit him as his lips brushed against hers. His heart pounding wildly. His thoughts racing through his mind so quickly, he couldn’t read any of them clearly.

Their laughter died down moments after as they laid in their own beds staring off into space. Letting the silence comfort them as they realized those moments would now only be in the past.

"What's it like to be popular?" She stared at him from where she lay. Breaking the silence. Making out the outline of his body through the darkness. He stiffened a bit. She wondered if being popular meant living your life to the fullest. If being someone everybody wanted to be like was easy. Was a breeze. A dream come true.

"I don't know... Everyone has you on this pedestal I guess. And they expect things from you. Like I have to be some super jock all the time. And sometimes people forget you're human too. And it's... just the same as being an outsider... just that... just that everyone's got their eye on you." He whispers quietly as the past two years of his life washes over him. All those times he'd felt alone as he began pushing people away. Those days on the field, making everybody proud, everybody except the one person he was doing it all for.

"Oh." She lies on her back taking it all in. That maybe their feelings still never changed. That it was still the same. That they were all just struggling through this place. Struggling to make it out in one piece. Trying to keep it all together. Maybe the status was different, maybe the situations were all different, but when it boiled down to it... maybe it was still the same. Maybe...

"How long have our parents been dating, Kyle?" She asked him. A thought finally dawning on her as her eyelids began weighing down. Becoming heavier as sleep slowly sunk in.

"Three years, Maria" He yawned. Noticing the creaking had stopped. That sleep was slowly claiming him as he laid in the darkness.

"You think you're dad and my mom are ever gonna get married?" She asked, slurring her words as her energy slowly died. Entering the darkness slowly.

He froze in his spot. The last word striking a cord in him. Somehow letting something dawn on him. His father couldn't get married, could he?

"Kyle..." She tried to finish her sentence, but her eyelids fully closed, and the world of dreams trapped her in.

He laid there. Sleep driven out. Thoughts racing through his mind. His father and marriage. It had been the first time anybody had placed the two words in the sentence. He couldn't decide if he wanted it to be the last as confusion set in.
---
So... what did you think??
posted on 27-Jun-2002 8:09:05 PM by E.T.
Wench on a Leash- *big* It made sense *happy* Thanks for the feedback!!

Kitcat26 - OK you can remind me *big* Yay, I get double stars!! Thanks for the feedback!!

DisclaimerDon't own the characters

Chapter 12A
They were celebrating outside. He knew it as he curled up in his bed. In this darkness. A room not his. A room they wanted to be his. He wanted to shut their voices out. Voices of the demons in his mind. Voices of the people who were wrecking havoc in his life.

He closed this eyes letting out a shaky breath. He listened to the screaming and laughing. The jokes and the happiness. He closed his eyes wanting to run back to his room. His home. To have his mom with him at that moment. The only person who counted as family now. His father’s long talks and lectures with him never made things better. Never fixed everything. Never made things any clearer.

"Daddy, can we wait up for Santa Clause?!"

He buried his face in a pillow wanting to yell and scream. Buried his face in his pillow and held his breath as long as he could. Held his breath to keep from screaming. From yelling. From crying.

He didn't want to cry. Not anymore. He didn't want to be weak. He wanted to be the strong one. The wall. He wanted to be the wall that only watched. Never thrust into anything. Into life. Never thrust into the downs of this world. It stayed still. Never moving. Never feeling. Merely watching.

That's what he wanted to be at that moment. The watcher.

"Daddy! That's Santa's cookies!"

He felt the anger surge once more as he shifted into a different position in bed. Anger making his blood boil. Stirring more feelings in him. Memories he didn't want to remember. Not anymore. He threw the blanket over his head. Crawling underneath it, searching for the feeling of comfort in this room. In the darkness he was basking in. Envying the things that did not feel as he only felt lost. Felt empty. Left wanting for something... more. Something that wasn't this life.

Why couldn't he be void of emotions? Never feel. Never let the emotions affect him. Never the weak one. Always the strong.

"You know Santa can't eat all that." He listened to his father's voice. His father's voice talking to his new son. The son he'd always wanted. The son he dreamed of. The son he never got in him.

Screw up. Failure. All things his father never wanted. Scum of the world. A piece of shit to be kicked around whom was too stupid to pass the second grade the first time around. Too dumb and stupid to be loved.

The year his father left had been the year he had repeated the second grade twice. The year he was finally in the same class as his friends. The year he finally fit in at school because he had his friends. Felt like school wasn’t such a long day anymore.

But his father had not seen the good. His father left near the beginning of the school year. Packing his things to go find something better. Find something that wasn't as pathetic as the family he had.

He rolled off his bed letting his body fall onto the ground. Letting the pain sting his entire body. The emptiness becoming too much to bear. The feelings, emotions just too much. Clawing at him until they created a hole inside. And he wanted to let it all out but couldn't find the words. Couldn't find a way to let it out, anymore. He wanted to scream. Wanted to yell. Wanted to cry. Wanted to curse...

Wanted to disappear into nothing. Swallowed up by the ground never to be seen again.

Wanted, but couldn't pull off. A part of him enjoying the sorrow. A part of him... somehow letting himself feel these emotions. The anger, the hatred, the sadness. Too afraid to let the happiness flow in. Too afraid to accept. The emotions in an odd way was protection. Protecting him from expectations. From being kicked in the gut by the world. Back stabbed by life.

"Yeah he can!" The footsteps made the floor shake. Three pairs of footsteps running up and down the hallway.

"No! Daddy! No!" Laughter followed. Laughter that to him sounded like nails scratching the blackboard.

The door to his room opened. Letting the light from the hallway fall upon him. He pretended to fall asleep, but the boy began blowing in his face, shaking him awake.

"Michael, you feeling ‘k now?" He asked. His eyes peering closely at Michael.

"I have a headache, Ryan." Michael mumbled back. Closing his eyes. Hatred surging through him. The boy. The replacement. The wanted one. He couldn't watch him without wanting him to disappear.

"OK... don't you use the bed?"

"I like the floor." The edge and coldness in his voice remained ignored as Ryan smiled at his new older brother.

"I love you, Michael."

He stiffened as he laid on the cold floor. Head buried in his arms. He couldn't bring himself to say the words back. Couldn't say it to this boy. How could he? How could he say he loved him when he hated him for taking away his father, taking away the life he should've had, should be living. The life with two parents so completely in love. The life where you felt the love from both your parents.

"Ditto." He whispered. Voice cracking as the sorrow hit him like a ton of bricks. Wanting to crawl under the bed like those days when he was younger. When he'd crawl under his bed, hiding from his bickering parents. Wanting his mother there with him. Wanting to be home with her for Christmas Eve, watching a movie and letting the silence surround them. Why did she have to go on a business trip? Why did she have to leave him at his father's place? In this... this house filled with a reality he wanted to ignore.

Ryan smiled broadly. Handing him a cookie from the jar he was holding before walking out of the room. Back into the hallway full of light and laughter, where his parents were kissing and giggling.

"EWWWWW!" He screamed in disgust. Beginning to run for the living room. Making sure to keep the cookies away from his Daddy.

Michael stared at the cookie in his hand. Throwing it at the wall. Watching it bounce off and crack into pieces. A part of him satisfied as it lay on the floor in crumbs.

He let himself smile for a brief moment at the thought of the cookie breaking apart before lying down with his back on the floor watching the ceiling. The cold surface driving the sleep away. Keeping him awake. Keeping him feeling.

It kept the anger going. This emotion that surged through him making him want to jump. To move around. To destroy. It kept the sadness from leaving. An emotion that seemed to numb him. Leave him drained of energy. The two working against each other as he laid there surrounded by the sounds of a happy, conventional family

Laid in the comfort of darkness. Laid on the cold ground. Swimming in his thoughts. Drowning in his thoughts all about the reality he considered perfect. A reality he wanted to live in. But mostly he laid there feeling. Laid there breathing. Laid there living.



posted on 29-Jun-2002 3:10:44 PM by E.T.
How many of you would kill me if I stopped writing this?

No I'm just joking *tongue* I'm not actually gonna stop writing I just have to sorta go away for a maybe 2 weeks (the minimum) to a month at most. So no updates until maybe the end of July or beginning August.

Wench on a Leash- Hey, I like reading your continous rambling *tongue* Thanks for the feedback *happy*

SweetLilDreamer- Thanks for the feedback *happy*

Kitcat26- Thanks for the feedback *happy* Well, I hope I can actually go somewhere in this life...


So I'll see you guys well whenever I'll get the time...


posted on 11-Jul-2002 10:48:11 PM by E.T.
Before anybody gets excited, no I don't have a new part right now.

I just wanted to check in and show I haven't died or anything. Thanks for the bumps everyone *big* Appreciate them lots.

Soon as I get my computer out of the many boxes around the house, I'll post a new part.


posted on 24-Jul-2002 6:38:27 PM by E.T.
OK you guys gotta cut me some slack with this new part. It's hard going almost a month without writing and then having to come up with a new part when you're muse has forsaken you *tongue*... anyway I hope you guys enjoy it.

Kitcat26- Yeah there's a law against false advertising, but people do it all the time... like the damn McDonald's commercial... they tell you the price of their food and conviently forget to add they have tax those bastards!! *tongue*

SweetLilDreamer- Thanks for the bumps. I really enjoyed our conversation a few weeks back.

Wench on a Leash- Thanks for the bumps and the rating *happy*

Chapter 12B

His eyes kept wandering from one thing to another. His food. Then the people. Then the wall. Then back to the people. The people all laughing and smiling. Talking with each other while he sat in his corner staring at them. Watching them. Envying them. Wishing to be one of them.

He glanced at the group in the middle. The large group that smiled and laughed and walked the grounds of this place as if they owned it, which they seemed to. This group that seemed to have everything. The power. The friends. The feeling of belonging. He watched them for moments on end sometimes. Trying to figure out what it would feel to be one of them. What they felt sometimes. The people he used to know. Kyle and Tess and Isabel and Liz.

There were times he wanted to ask her so badly, but he never would. Imagining was better than ever knowing. The perfection would be in tact.

He watched them laugh and talk. Trying to come up with the words they were saying. Trying to imagine the last time he had been in a large group and knew what belonging felt like.

They probably talked about the games the jocks played he figured. About the parties to go to. About some deep dark secret the school didn't know about. One large happy group he could never belong to.

Too quiet. Too weird. Too different for them.

He tore his eyes away as the feeling of inadequacy became too much. Hating the self-pity that would come along if he thought about it too much. Those thoughts would begin starting if he thought about it longer. The thoughts that hit his self-esteem. Lowering it til it went lower than rock bottom.

Thoughts that ridiculed. That pointed out the flaws. Thoughts that he hated listening to, but there was no way of stopping them.

His eyes wandered to the group of three at another corner of the room. Not smiling. Not laughing. But he could tell they were talking. About the world maybe. About hate. Their expressions never changing. Eyes hardly wandered away from their group of three. Almost as if the world didn't exist. That only the three of them existed.

He knew he didn't belong to them either. There was no logical reason. Just that it would never feel right. They were their own group now. Their own group of three. Like the three musketeers. Maria and Michael and Alex.

Maria could use him sometimes. Talk to him when the two boys ditched. But that wasn't friendship. Friendship was... friendship was some nights he spent with Liz. Friendship was... is... belonging to something. Friendship was what he craved at that moment. Wanted more than anything.

He got up from his spot in the corner. Wishing to be anywhere else, but walking by himself through the cafeteria. He watched his feet as he went along, wondering if anybody was staring at him. Wondering if anybody was watching and laughing at him as he went by. Alone.

¡§Hey, watch it!¡¨

His head snapped up. Eyes began shutting out emotions as he glanced briefly at the person he'd bumped into.

Another boy's arm around her shoulder. Her smile reaching her eyes.

His mind screamed as he stood there on one side and her on the other. Wondering what she would say. What she would do. Why she was letting the boy hold her like that.

Rage. Confusion. Sorrow. He couldn't tell the emotions as they passed through him. Attacking him as he watched the emotions flicker in her eyes. Her eyes wanting to tell another story. Her life in this place not allowing her.

¡§ Watch where you're going!¡¨ She snapped. But it wasn't her. Couldn't be her.

He looked back knowing it was her.

¡§ Fuck off.¡¨ He mumbled walking through the door that would lead to the hallway. That hallway that would lead to the real world.

He ran down the hallway.

It was just one of those days he needed to escape. One of those days when this place was one step ahead of him. Out to get him with a vengeance. And all there was to do was escape.

Left. Right.

Left. Right.

BOOM.


Not bothering to look up to the new person he'd bumped into, he felt a large fist slam into his stomach. Two hands pushing him roughly towards the rows of metal lockers lining the hallway.

The pain knowledge that he was alive. That the numbness that was setting in wasn't death.

He punched back at the group of boys that had crowded him. A fist connecting with his face as he made contact with one of the boys' shoulder. The pain almost unbearable, but at the same time it was great. Like waking up from a long sleep. Every time his fist connected with flesh was like a piece of his anger falling off.

He willed the tears not to come along. Biting his lower to keep from screaming the words that circled around his head.

He kicked one right in the stomach as he struggled to stand. Outnumbered greatly, but he didn't care.

There were others watching now. Watching as he would begin something new. Maybe better, maybe not, but new.

The fight continued. 5 against 1. Fists slamming into his body. Feet kicking him everywhere and anywhere while he fought on.

Some of the boys laughed as they stopped. Two hands held him steady, but he shook it off. Wanting no ones help but his own.

¡§ Meet us behind the mall. 11 tonight. ¡¨ The leader of the group smirked. Eyes glinting with... with an emotion he couldn't figure out.

They walked through the crowd acting as though nothing happened. Laughing it up. Shoving each other playfully into the rows of lockers. The group well known in the building. As popular as the in-crowd, yet at the same time not. Infamous for what they belonged in.

The crowd walked away buzzing with excitement. Teachers barely noticed what had occurred.

Max watched them walk away. Leaning against the lockers trying to catch his breath.

...meet us...tonight...

A group... a gang to belong to. Friends to connect with.

A new beginning for a new year.
---
Don't blame me if it sucked... blame the imaginary person who's s'ppose to be giving me ideas *cough*stupid muse*cough*

[ edited 2 time(s), last at 25-Jul-2002 8:34:34 PM ]
posted on 26-Jul-2002 5:35:36 PM by E.T.
*happy* Thanks for the feedback roswellluver. I enjoyed reading it very much.

I'm trying to write up three parts to post around Monday or Tuesday next week. Make up for the time where I was away. And um.... if you guys luck out maybe I'll have a part out tonight... like in 2 or 3 hours, but don't be waiting cuz the odds are ALWAYS against me *wink*
posted on 31-Jul-2002 7:15:30 PM by E.T.
IceRose- Thanks for the feedback. Really grateful for it.

SweetLilDreamer- Thanks for the feedback *happy* Glad you liked it.

Kitcat26- Yeah, Ronald McDonald is everything evil *tongue* They make their food taste pretty good, but it's really bad for you! Damn him for making good unhealthy food. Thanks for the feedback.

Wench on a Leash - *big* Thanks for the feedback and the compliments. Really appreciate it *big*

I've seriously become pathetic. Stupid computer died on me and now I'm spending like hours at some smelly internet cafe typing up at least one part. If I don't report back in a month after this, I've died from inhaling god knows what.... Yeah well that'll be all complaining for today *wink* On with the new part even though I promised three *tongue*

Chapter 13A
Two of them sat the floor. Leaning against the bed loosing themselves into the music. The volume blaring out of the speakers of the boom box. Bouncing off the walls of the small room. Sometime this was the only way to escape the pressures of reality. The only way to feel free from everything. Feel empty in a good way. As if nothing exists around you. The world disappearing and the only thing left is you.

It was what they did after school when they didn't have much to do. Sit in a room to get lost.

The banging on the door sent the two crashing back into reality. The screaming making them scramble for the power button on the CD player.

"You're home early." He mumbled throwing the door open to show a man in his late 20s, eyes narrowed, face red with anger.

"That goddamn CD player is going to the trash if you don't learn to put that volume down!" The man yelled. His glare that could kill left he boy unfazed as they stood there staring at each other. Too pissed off for words. To angry with nowhere to put it on, but the other person.

"Piss of Oz." Slamming the door in his brother-in-law's face felt good. It was as if slamming the door on him was another way of punching him. Another way of letting a bit of the frustration out.

He paced the floor like one of those cartoons on TV. Back and forth. Back and forth. Head bowed down. His eyes watching the floor, but not clearly seeing it. All he could see was his anger building up. Every time he neared the wall he gave it a punch or a kick. He wanted to hit something. Anything he could get near. Acting as though the item was the thing that was driving him mad.

"Chill out." She watched him pacing with her eyes. Wanting to tell him some advice on how to deal with life, but knowing he wouldn't listen. Knowing there was no way to deal with it. You lived and that was it.

"Screw him. Screw the world." He practically screamed it as he paced the room.

"You'll be outta here soon. Calm down before he hears you."

"Fuck you!" He didn't turn around to see if she took his words seriously. Itching to run out and do something crazy, he reached for his stereo as an idea ran through his head. Turning the volume as high as it could go not caring anymore if his brother-in-law would hear. Not caring if the neighbor's would get angry or call the police.

He reached for a hidden panel in his closet. His hands searching for the items that he kept hidden there.

She just watched silently, wondering what he was looking for. What he was doing.

A started banging on the locked door once again, but it went ignored as his brushed against the cold metal. Anger driving him over the edge. Giving him energy that wanted out. He clutched both of the items tight. Pulling them out for his friend to see. God how he wished he could use them at that moment, but he knew it wasn't right. Not yet.

The two items gave him strength and fear all at the same time. Power that he didn't know he could ever have.

"The fuck are you doing with those things, Alex?" She yelped. Jumping on the bed. Staring at him with wide eyes as if she'd never seen one of them before. Fear filled her eyes as an almost crazy glint entered his.

He smiled. " One day when they push me too far..." He lowered his voice handing her one, which she took reluctantly. " I'll kill 'em. You and me, Maria. We'll get them for everything they ever did. You and me." He whispered.

She wondered if he meant it. Maybe he didn't. It wouldn't matter anyway.

"And Michael?" She asked. Wondering what Michael would have told Alex if he'd been there at that moment.

But Michael wasn't there. He was at work. Leaving her to deal with it.

"They never pick on him. Just you and me." He smiled like a little boy sharing a secret he'd been dying to tell. Glad to get it out in the open.

He took the gun he was holding and aimed for the door where Oz was still banging, yelling for him to turn the volume down.

"Boom." He whispered pretending to shoot it down.
---
Thoughts on it??


posted on 2-Aug-2002 8:48:25 PM by E.T.
miss_Roswell- *happy* Thanks for the feedback. *big* You don't deserve to be shot, honest! Nope Max doesn't fancy Maria. Sorry for the mix-up. This part sorta explains who the girl Max said "Fuck off" to is. Liz has her own set of friends in the school. Yep, Maria, Michael, and Alex make their own group. Yeah Isabel, Kyle, and Tess are popular, but not exactly friends. Yeah and they used to hang out when they were kids.

Wench on a Leash - *happy* Thanks for the feedback. With you on the Isabel hating, I don't like her very much.

Disclaimer: Don't own the characters.

Chapter 13B
As the sun began to rise from the horizon, he limped back home. Bloodied and bruised like a warior coming back from the battle lines. But it wasn't a war between a mortal enemy he fought against. A war against himself really. A war against life.

He knocked on the door. Waiting for someone to answer. Wincing in pain as his knuckles came in contact with the wood. He closed his eyes as the door was thrown open revealing his mother's horrified expression. Fear. Concern. Anger. All coming of her in waves as he was ushered in the house.

"Max what happened?" She was practically screaming at him as she let him in. Leading him to the bathroom to clean up his wounds. Take care of him like she's always done. "What the hell happened?!"

Her screams woke up the other members of the family. They begun crowding the doorway while he stood letting the lies come out. " I got jumped." He stated simply glancing at them wondering if they could tell he was lying. As hard as he tried to hide his guilt, he knew it was showing. Max held his breath wondering when they were going to call him on his lie. When they were going to tell him that they saw him in the fight. Saw him fighting back, trying to gain a spot in the group.

He flinched at the contact of the cloth his mother placed on one of his many cuts. Jumping back he glared at her. " I'll do it myself." There was something else controlling him now. He didn't know anymore, but staring around his family he began feeling annoyed. Annoyed at the many things he never used to notice. The way his younger sister stared at him. The way his mother fussed over him. The way his father kept on talking about him as if he didn't exist. All of it beginning to drive him into the edge as he watched them. Spinning in his mind as the frustration built.

"I'll do it all myself, goddamnit!" He yelled as his mom tried to help him out again.

What was happening to him?

He ushered her out of the bathroom. His sister watching him with this look in her eyes that made him want to scream. Judging him the way a child does.

He slammed the door not caring about what was happening on the other side. He could hear muffled voices. His parents telling his sister to go back to sleep. His parents trying to get him to open the door, but they all seemed light years way. From another life that he had left behind back in the alley behind the mall.

Max sat on the floor of the bathroom. Wincing with each move he made. Everywhere seemed to hurt and even his mind seemed jumbled. He lifted his shirt over his head, slid of his jeans and boxers to take a shower. The pain that shot through as he moved made him want to scream, but he didn't. This was the consequence, but he was sure it was worth it.

There were bruises on his abdomen. A jagged cut where a tin can had sliced him on his right side had stopped bleeding hours ago, but it still hurt. He was sure at least one of his ribs were broken or fractured, but the hospital was no option. It would make him appear like a wuss. There were no wusses in the group.

His arms were bruised up as well. His left eye swollen shut. He crawled into the shower. Turning on the water at the right temperature. He stood up leaning against the wall, biting his lower lip to keep from screaming as the water hit his body. The pain sending him back to hours ago when his new life began.

They were all watching close by. Max could feel many eyes on him. There were twelve maybe thirteen other people plus the one he was fighting against. 6 or 7 boys. 6 girls.

He tried to concentrate on the boy in front of him. Focusing on getting a punch here or there, but there wer too many other things on his mind.

What if they were caught? What if he ended up dying in this alley? What if it wasn't worth it?

He felt his fist slam against the other boy's skull as he swung blindly. The pain shot through from his fist to his arm. It stung, but his opponent had stumbled and let his guard down from the blow letting him land punch after punch. He couldn't focus on the pain anymore.

With each jab, he felt a part of him leave. Something inside of him die. The boy that had been an obedient son, a good student fled. The boy that sat and listened to others problems, who wanted the world to be something better ceased to exist. Lifted away piece by piece until it disappeared. Disappearing just as the other boy dropped down to the ground. Clutching at his stomach. Tears beginning to stream down his face.

There was no time for sympathy. No place for it as Max felt a hand clap him on the shoulder. A girl smile at him as she walked away. Something new began to build itself inside. Something different. Something free. Something dangerous...


There was still a person banging on the door as he turned the water off and grabbed his towel to dry. Still someone telling him to come out so they could talk about what happened.

They thought he was traumatized, he figured. Scared shitless about the event. How wrong they were.

"I'll be out soon, Jesus Christ!" He screamed. He looked around and groaned inwardly. Forgetting to have gotten clothes to change into, he slipped on his dirty clothes and walked out. His hair still dripping wet as he glanced at his two parents. " Look I'm fine, all right? Christ, you guys are acting like I've gone and died."

He didn't wait for a reply. Surely it would have been a long lecture on respect followed by a discussion on what happened. He wasn't ready for that yet. Probably never would be. Max walked over to his room. Slamming the door behind him, he threw himself against his bed, not caring for the pain as his mind carried him back through time. Thoughts filled up on what had happened.

He'd been walking for hours, he was sure of it. The streets empty and dark. His head still pounded with each step he took. His mouth still tasted of blood.

Turning the corner, he found himself where he was supposed to have been that night. Sitting on a park bench watching the night pass by. Not in an alley waiting as he changed into something else.

She was still there though. Head hung low watching the sidewalk as if it were a television.

"Hey." She didn't look up from her position. Her voice filled with emptiness.

He sat down next to her. Staring up at the sky instead of the ground. The stars weren't there tonight. The moon also behind clouds.

"We've been doing this for years huh?" He mumbled. Beginning to feel the guilt, but he shoved it away. He didn't want to feel guilt. Didn't want to feel at all.

"Since we learned to sneak out. Always during the holiday season. The night after Thanksgiving and til January 10." She replied sitting back. They sat on opposite sides of the bench tonight.

"So Bobby Thompson is-" He began referring to the boy who had his arm around her that afternoon.

"- A friend." She interrupted. " Just a friend."

He nodded though not quite believing it. " You look good together." He tried to laugh, but couldn't. There something wrong with tonight. Many different things were wrong with that night.

"Sure." She replied rolling her eyes.

He held his breath waiting for her to ask the question. What had happened to him? Why did he do it? So many of them out in the air.

"It's ah getting late." She muttered standing up. He watched her closely. A part of him told him this was the last time he'd watch her get up from the bench even though January 10 was still a couple days away. " I should get home."

He nodded. She knew it was the last time too. " You want me to walk you home?"

She shook her head turning to him. Eyes blank of emotions. " This afternoon at the cafet-"

"Forgotten." He forced a smile on. " You didn't mean it. I didn't mean it."

"Well..." Awkward pause. " Bye Max." He added 'forever' in his mind knowing that's what she meant. Bye forever.

He watched her walk away. Watched as she stood by the lamp post for awhile. Maybe waiting for him to say goodbye. Watched as she disappeared into the darkness

"Bye Liz."

---
So what did you think?

[ edited 2 time(s), last at 10-Aug-2002 7:16:18 PM ]
posted on 10-Aug-2002 7:37:08 PM by E.T.
Wench on a Leash - Thanks for the feedback. Loved reading it like always *happy* The Liz insight if coming soon don't worry. All will be explained *wink*

IceRose- Thanks for the feedback *big*

Shelbecat- Hey you're back! *big* Thanks for the feedback!

Disclaimer: Don't own the characters

Chapter 14A
He glanced over at the mirror hanging on the wall again. Frowning at his reflection. He knew what he needed to do tonight and he hated himself for that reason. He hated being part of the lies. Getting caught up in things that were beyond his grasp yet at the same time he knew it was the only way.

"When's he coming?!" He screamed leaning his head back so he could look into the kitchen. The room his mother was in. He knew she was standing there watching him intently. Waiting just like him for his father to arrive. " Mom, when's he coming?!" He repeated louder. Standing up from his spot on the couch, walking over to the kitchen.

"Any minute." She turned around to dump the cup of coffee into the sink. He watched her every move, wondering what love's place in the world was. His mother still had feelings for his father, but they weren't together. No matter how much he could hate his father he could still love him, yet how come he didn't live with them? How come he was getting another new family?

Love didn't seem to have a proper place in the world. It was all too confusing.

"Oh. Well, I can't believe he's gonna get married. Seems like yesterday, he phoned me from some city telling me he was a free spirit, wanting to see the world." He started of the conversation. Michael took a quick glance at his mother before staring at the counter. He doesn't want to know her reaction to what he had just said.

"Your father's... unpredictable." She smiled as she stood there watching him look at anything, but her. He can see something in her eyes. A glint of... love or something that resembles it. He still can't understand this world. The years he spent on the planet and yet he's still confused.

How do two people love each other yet can't spend their lives together? Why do families get torn apart?

He studied her again. Hatred beginning to grow within. He felt it pounding inside of him. How could she love his father after all that he had done to them? How could she still... how could she still accept him?

"Yeah." He nodded faking a smile. Tonight was a test for him. He knew his parents were worried. Worried that he wasn't fully accepting his life. The divorce. The marriage that was to take place in a week. And even if it was true. That he couldn't accept it all, he needed to pretend.

Pretend for their sake. For his sake. There was no way he was going to therapy.

"What's she like anyway?"

He spun out lies. Pretended he was annoyed by her, but he could deal with it. Pretend she wasn't so bad and that they seemed alright together. That he knew it was all going to be OK.

"Kim? She's... she's OK. She's got a horrible laugh." He fakes a smile, pretending to remember her laugh. " Tells the corniest jokes. Can't cook for shi-crap, but you know she seems OK with Dad. They seem like..." He paused as he tried to look for the right word. " They seem happy." He finished throwing in another fake smile.

That better get me outta fucking therapy He thought angrily.

He won't tell his mother that his father loves this woman. A woman that isn't his mother. Or tell her that the woman loves his father back. He doesn't tell her that he hates them both so much that it hurts to even think about it. That he feels isolated in the room they gave him. That he questions why they have a chance at working out when his parents didn't make it.

He won't tell her he thinks it's never going to be OK.

He says what anybody expects him to say. Keeping his thoughts to himself.

She nodded her head. Listening to each word he said. A thin smile on her face. " Y'know we haven't been able to go anywhere these days." A wistful expression appears on her face at the thought of the past. " So maybe Sunday we can hang out. Just the two of us. Like... old times."

He stared at her trying to figure out if it was just another trick. Another test to get him to talk about his inner thoughts. His inner feelings.

He tried to remember the last time they had a long and civilized conversation. One that didn't lead to any arguments. IT had been a couple of years since then. Their conversations always leading into an argument. Their talks filled with screams and yells and disagreements.

He could picture the dreadful day in his mind. The silence that would feel whatever room the two of them would occupy, but he wanted her to be happy.

"Sure." He lied.

Maybe... just maybe it would be different if he gave her the chance. Maybe he would stop feeling like the only thing that kept him afloat in this world were his friends.

A car horn came from outside the house. Three more following. Urging Michael to run out.

He bolted to the door without looking over his shoulder. A hurried goodbye yelled out before he closed the door behind him. Forgetting what laid behind that wooden door. Forgetting his mother for tonight as he climbed into his father's car.

It wasn't time to be resentful or angry with his father. Wasn't the time to begin another argument leading to an awkward silence.

He had to focus on dealing with everything just by hoping to live through it.
---
Sorry the parts are turning out rushed. I'm trying to finish this thing before school starts up and it's not working out.


[ edited 1 time(s), last at 10-Aug-2002 7:38:01 PM ]
posted on 17-Aug-2002 6:11:39 PM by E.T.
IceRose- Thanks for the feedback and the bumps. Nah it didn't sound like you were sucking up. Thanks for the compliments. Run out of coke?! That definitely sounds like hell to me. Y'know it's hard to live without coke. Wouldn't know what I'd do if I couldn't drink coke. No caffeinne to keep me hyper.

Wench on a Leash- *big* Thanks for the feedback. *grins* So you can really relate to the characters? It's the only reason I wrote this thing cuz I needed something to relate to. Didn't think anybody would be able to relate to them either cuz you know... they're on the fucked up side and everything.

Shelbecat- Thanks for the feedback. Don't worry. I'll at least let them deal with their demons by the end. Give them a some amount of...um... closure.


Well... the next part is... it hasn't been written yet. I'm only allowed on the internet like once a week unless by some miracle my parents leave me alone in the houe which is unlikely to happen so the next part might not come out til next week on Saturday. I'll post it as soon as I can though.
posted on 23-Aug-2002 3:02:46 AM by E.T.
This part didn't come out the way I wanted it to, but since I don't have any other ideas at this point I guess I have to stick with it... Tell me what you think of it.

Disclaimer Don't own the characters.

Chapter 14B
Just another day. Just another stupid, stupid day.

She stared at the almost empty parking lot. The cold sidewalk beneath her kept her from falling to sleep. From closing her eyes and remembering. Remembering was too deadly.

Another cold breeze. Another round of shivers. Her face and finger numbing from the coldness. Another reason to keep awake.

This was stupid. She was trying to convince her mind this was stupid. Just another dumb idea to chuck away. Place on the growing pile of dumb ideas, but she wouldn't move.

The large neon sign to her right glowed brightly. The lamp posts in the 7-11 parking lighting the small place up. But even with all the light it still felt eerie. Still felt like the dark, lonely night that it was.

She'd gotten up countless of times already. Deposited a couple of quarters into the pay phone. Dialed a number only making it halfway before placing the receiver back down.

What good would it do to crawl back home defeated?

She pulled her jacket tighter around her. Shoving her hands into her pocket to give them a piece of warmth. Her thoughts a jumbled mess from the cold, from her own anger. Her heart pounded as she went over her decisions again. Like a drum it pounded in a rhythm. A loud steady rhythm.

One of those many points in life where a decision had to be made. Take one step back and suffocate. Or take one step forward and risk it.

Too many consequences to think about. Just one too many to wonder about. What if... Jesus Christ, that was all her mind was filled off. What if this happened. What if that happened.

What if.

She stood up. Ready to put some quarters in the payphone once more. Her fingers quickly dialing the number. Her other hand clutching the receiver tightly. The surface so cold against her fingers. Like touching ice, her hand was numb in a matter of moments.

Heart beating wildly as she stood silent. Head pounding. Thoughts wanting her to chicken out. Blood rushing through her quickly. Nerves shot to hell.

She shifted her weight from one foot to another. She wanted to slam the phone back down. Walk back to her spot on the sidewalk.

"Hello?" His voice was quiet. Sleepy. " Hello?"

She bit her lip. Sure that if she began talking it would all come out. Sure that if she began talking. If she opened her mouth to speak she would cry. A lump formed in her throat. Chest tightened as tears and sobs threatened to take over.

"Kyle I-" Her voice wavered. She lifted the receiver off her ear. Ready to slam it down. He wouldn't understand. Would he? Would he even try to understand?

Slowly, before she could change her mind, she slammed it back down. Nobody could save her. Nobody could make this decision for her. She closed her eyes.

In. Out. Breathe.

One step forward.

She shut her eyes tighter. Placing the hood of her jacket on her head as she walked down the parking lot. Ready to walk back home. Decision made.

One step forward.

She'd convince herself it was the only way to go. The only way to face it all. To scream and explain. To take the risk and tell them what she needed to tell them.

She was suffocating in the life they’d set out for her. The planned future was not what she wanted.

She stared only at the ground beneath her as it slowly passed. Held her breath as each car passed, convinced that it was her Dad or Mom ready to cart her back home. Ready to scream at her for running out during dinner. For being disrespectful.

One car stopped. She ordered herself to breathe. She could feel her heart pounding. Hear it loudly in her ears. Her mind going into overdrive. Adrenaline pumping through her. She could run and never look back. Run ‘til she'd finally escaped it all. Her pace quickened, breath put on hold as she waited for the voices to come.

"Hey."

The voice snapped her out of her thoughts. Sending her back to reality. Away from her growing paranoia.

"Want a ride?" He smiled at her as he stuck his head out the window. His green eyes glowing as he sat there, waiting for her reply.

"No." She shook her head. He was different. Not in her clique. Not in her group. Not in her life. He was practically a stranger even if she did know him.

"Come on."

She shut her eyes tight. Regretting the decision she was about to make.

She turned and walked toward him. A stranger she'd seen countless of times in the halls. A person she'd pass without acknowledging his existence.

He was nobody. Somebody. Some guy.

Fear growing as she climbed in. Heart still pounding hard in her. Hand trembling as she shut the door. But she was taking charge of her life once and for all. Taking a path that wasn't laid out for her. A choice that wasn't handed to her. A choice that wasn't made by someone else.

"So what now, Tess?" He grinned leaning back on his seat. Taking a long drag from his cigarette before throwing it into the street.

"Just take me home." She mumbled leaning her head against the window, telling him her address, slowly feeling safe in this car. Driving away those nagging thoughts that wanted her out of the car. Her fingers and face slowly loosing its numbness. Her eyes closed as she let the music in the car drift into her. Let her memories go as they spiraled out of control in her mind.

Broken pictures. Faded scenes. Voices. All of them spinning. Going round and round.

Sitting at a table. Her mother's focus only on her perfect sister. Sitting at the same table two or three years later. Screaming at her parents. I'm not Halley!

She closed her eyes tighter. The hum of the engine and the music drifting to the back her mind. Her companion’s slow and even breathing all in the background of her brain.

Let it go

Spinning. Spinning. Spinning. She wanted to scream. To let it all out.

Let it go.

She felt a hand on her knee. The engine dropping dead. Heart still pounding she finally opened her eyes finding herself at the end of her block. Her house just a few feet down. The spinning came to quick stop. Retreating to the back of her mind. Disappearing, but not forever.

She didn’t let go yet. Couldn't let go yet.

She counted in her mind. Forcing herself to climb out. Away from the car. Away from her seat. This place she felt safe in.

"Thanks for the ride home, Nick" She muttered opening the door. Her eyes avoiding his. His hand sliding off her knee.

"Tess." He muttered quietly.

Turning around, her breathing slowed. His face inches from hers. She closed her eyes as he kissed her.

Shut her eyes close as she jumped into this world filled with unexpected turns and twists. Her life that wouldn't be planned or created for her. This wasn't something her sister ever did. Wasn't something her mother planned. It was her. Just Tess.

One step forward. One step back. It didn't matter. She was going to take hold of her life.
---
Well, there, my brain's fried, I'm this close to collapsing on the keyboard, but I hope you guys like it *tongue*

[ edited 1 time(s), last at 23-Aug-2002 3:03:26 AM ]
posted on 23-Aug-2002 3:42:58 PM by E.T.
Shelbecat- So you really want a list on which part belong to who? I'll get right on it today, I guess *big*. Don't mind me babbling about how I think the parts come out bad. I'm just that way. I'm stopping now though. *wink* Thanks for the feedback!

Wench on a Leash- Yeah, I really don't know many people who don't wanna get away from their life. Yup, I've noticed you being obsessed with music *tongue*. I do that too. Turn on the music too mute all my thoughts. Thanks for the feedback!


New part will be soon. Promise. And this time you guys won't have to wait a week *big*
posted on 26-Aug-2002 9:48:41 PM by E.T.
IceRose- School already? That must suck.

Wench on a Leash- thanks for the bump.

Ahhh... Writer's Block sucks. If I've learned anything, it's not to write with writrer's block, but damn... who actually learns from mistakes? So on with this new part...

Chapter 15A

The place was crackling with energy. Loud and chaotic. The perfect place to forget. Discard the shit piling on you even if only for a night. Even if it'll all come roaring back the next day.

He pulled her down on the couch. His arm going around her waist as she sat on his lap. A mile-wide grin on his face.

"Thanks, Liz." He whispered. Taking one of the bottles she had clutched in her hand. His breath reeking of alcohol as he whispered against her ear. Grip tightening around her as he went back to his conversation with friends.

She couldn’t feel safe there. Couldn’t feel secure or relaxed. Her nerves a complete wreck.

She stared straight ahead, wanting to numb her mind. Wanting to banish her thoughts as she took gulp after gulp of the liquor. Focusing on drowning in the loud, pounding music, the muffled voices. Pretending to get lost in the sea of people in the house. There were too many people. Enough to loose herself in. Enough to get lost in. To forget yourself in.

Watching without moving her head, she saw people loosing themselves in the moment as they danced. Discarding their life for brief minutes as they let loose.

She watched the stairs. Watched Isabel head up those stairs. Hand tightly gripping Paulie's. An empty look on her face as she walked those stairs. Eyes appearing haunted. Troubled and determined.

Disappearing from view, she left Liz to wonder what she thought about as she walked those stairs. Wondered what those nagging voices were telling Isabel. Wondered why she'd look haunted, when her life was close to perfect.

The door swung open, but nobody except her seemed to notice. Three boys crowded the doorway. The middle one scanning the people, searching for someone before marching in. Stride full of purpose. Eyes set, determined and confident.

Her eyes drifted to him. Trailing behind the other two. Head hung low. His dark bangs covering his eyes.

She wanted to tear her gaze away, but couldn't. Almost like seeing a car accident, no matter how bad off it was, you want to see it. Want to keep it in your vision until it disappears into the horizon.

She willed him to look up. Muttering the words under her breath, over and over again like a mantra. She needed him to look up.

Moments passed until his head snapped up, as if he finally felt her eyes on him. The look on his face, sending the whole world to the back of her mind. Her breath put on hold as she studied his sunken empty eyes. His face gloomy. The expression he sported, haunted, as if his whole world was spiraling out of its axis.

Like mine. She couldn't help but think. Hand reaching down to her socks. The cloth hiding the many scars that lay there. From cuts. From life.

He looked away quickly. Eyes closing for a brief moment. She wondered what he was thinking.

She could feel someone's arms tighten around her waist. Someone's lips on her neck, but her focus elsewhere.

Back into the past.

That first day at the park when she'd met him. That day when she ran away from her problems only to find the solution to all of it. That day when he'd walked over to her. Soccer ball in one hand and a bright smile, ready to be her friend. Ready to protect her at all costs.

She closed her eyes tuning everything out. In her mind all she can see is his 7 year old version. Soccer ball, smile, and all. His arm around her shoulder. Confident in every way. Almost arrogant, but not quite. He was... Max. No other word to describe him.

Eyes flying open she studied the spot where he had stood at finding it empty. Leaving her to wonder if she was just dreaming everything up.

Heart racing, she sat still on her spot. The past whirling in her head.

Reality slowly hitting her like a ton of bricks. The pounding music, the buzz of voices, the chaotic atmosphere. Everything quickly slamming into each other.

Like being in a car during a snowstorm, where outside it all seems like a blur of white and all of a sudden you see a cliff. This cliff you're about to go over, but there's no stopping. No stopping you from crashing down. No stopping you from dying. No stopping you from defying gravity.

Thoughts hazy. Wanting to pull her in different directions all at once. Wanting to do something, but not knowing where to begin and where to end. The walls felt like closing in on her if she didn't move quickly.

Did she just imagine him standing there?

Bolting from her spot, without another thought she headed for the door. Not sure yet what the right thing to do was. Not sure yet what it was that was happening. What was pretend. What was here and real.

She wanted to scream. Wanted to run away from everything. Get the fuck away from life and come back when everything wasn't so confusing. Wasn't so screwed up. Was more perfect. More like those lives on TV. She wanted to let it out somehow, but didn't know how to.

How did you let out things you've kept hidden? How do you let out your life?

All she knew was that she needed to get out before the past slowly unravelled itself, before she got a too tight of grip on this reality shit. Before she would fall of that cliff.

There was only one person out. No Max in sight.

Drifting from one thought to another. Never staying on one topic too long, but all of it on that last day at the park. On the cold park bench, under the streetlight. On that night she wanted to trash away somewhere. Discard from her memories like so many others.

Wanted to so bad, but couldn't do it.

She hadn't wanted to face him that day.Whatever she had to say would have made no difference. She knew he was part of it. He survived the fight and now he was part of it.

Not the gang, really. She had barely thought of that.

It was that whole moving on bit. Finding a new life to start of on. To begin with like yesterday never existed. Like the past never existed. Like a diseae, everyone seemed to catch on. Becoming different. Moving on. Choosing a path, even if not the best one.

...Except her.
---
So... honestly... how was it? Your honest opinion.
posted on 10-Sep-2002 8:12:15 PM by E.T.
Sorry, I haven't updated in awhile. School's being a bitch. Such a hell hole. Thanks for the feedback, BTW, Have to make this quick cuz I got homework. Anyway I'll try and update this weekend or maybe Friday or whenever the hell I have time.

Thanks again for the feedback and the bumps!
posted on 17-Sep-2002 8:45:01 PM by E.T.
OK * puts hands in the air* See there's nothing in them. No new part. Now don't start killing me now. See there's more to this message.

I know, I know it's been so long, but really it's not my fault. School's such a complete hell. Its tough enuogh getting through the day. Anyway I'll cut you guys a deal. Um let's see, I have a different version of this fic on my computer. The story is pretty much the same, it's just the writing style that's different. Now that version is almost finished. I have two parts to go. So here's the deal.. you guys get to pick... you either wait for the next part for this version of my fic or I'll post the other fic like maybe 5 parts a time and there won't be too much of a wait for the finish. So yeah wait for the next part which will take a while or a not so completely different fic with just a different writing style that I can post like 5 parts a day off.

I'll be back to see what you guys have decided *big*