|posted on 21-May-2002 6:35:21 PM by Lizzy Parker|
|Title: Into My Own|
Author: Jen (LizParker25⊕cs.com)
Disclaimer: The characters don’t belong to me. You know the drill. The title comes from a Robert Frost poem: “Into My Own”
Category: Season One AU (post “River Dog”)
Couples: M&L, CC (everyone else)
Distribution: I’d love it if people want it on their site. Just let me know first.1
Feedback: Pretty please? I’d love it more than anything.
Summary: A week after “River Dog” ends, the Roswellians are thrown a curve ball as life forces them to journey deeper into the unknown. New faces are added to the alien conspiracy as Max, Michael, and Isabel learn more of their alien routes. People they once knew turn out not to be quite who they seem as trouble quickly comes to Roswell.
Author’s Note: THANK YOU KATIE (Sugarplum7)!!!!!!! If you weren’t as kind as to listen to me rant about how I want to write a Season 1 fic and help inspire me to develop this idea, I don’t think I could have. This story is definitely for you! And no, I won’t forget to write more of TFE! And for the rest of you who have read The Fifth Element, I'll try to update as soon as possible. I hope you like this one as well.
Into My Own
Journal Entry 31.
It’s November 21, 1999. I’m Liz Parker and sometimes I wonder what life would be like if Max Evans had never saved me that day in the Crashdown. Would I still be dating Kyle? Would I have finally gotten over my fear of rejection? Would I have finally been able to ask out the guy I really liked? Would there be this rift that’s been destroying my friendship with Alex? Would Grandma Claudia still be alive? Would I still be me – the me I am now?
These questions have been haunting me. Every time I turn the corner, or open my locker, or see a familiar face, I can’t help but wonder. If my life were still…normal…,what would it be? I used to know what a normal life consisted of, but now, I’m not so sure. Is it that every life is unique? Contains something special about it? But is normal ordinary? My life pre-shooting? I’m pretty positive that my life certainly hasn’t been “normal” since September. I died; yet, I’m still alive. I’ve been involved in more break-ins, cover ups, and lies than I can count. Is it really worth all this?
When I look in the mirror, I see Liz Parker staring back. But sometimes I’m afraid I don’t know myself. I used to be a straight A student, with a plan to leave this town and becoming a renowned molecular biologist. And now? Am I still that girl? You have to have a plan. That’s been my motto for so long. But is my old plan what I ever really wanted in my heart? Living life these past weeks without knowing what the future will bring, well, it’s exhilarating. And to know this bit of knowledge that no one else in the world possesses? That’s amazing too.
I’m at a crossroad in my life. Part of me wants to go back to the safety of normality, but the other part wants to continue this journey into the unknown. I want to find out where this road leads. And I know I won’t be alone. I have Maria. I have Max. And maybe, if Michael and Isabel ever figure out that Ria and I aren’t the enemy, maybe I’ll have them too. And isn’t that what’s more important than my so-called plan? I promised Grandma Claudia that I’d follow and trust my heart, wherever it takes me. I promised her. Does that mean, that in following it now, this is my new life? My new normal?
A week ago, Max and I met River Dog, a Native-American whose like me: a human involved in something greater, something…alien. Since then, life in Roswell, New Mexico has been relatively quiet. And that’s shocking considering the life I now live. But, maybe it shouldn’t be. After all, Max has kept a normal life for the past sixteen – oops, ten years – without anyone knowing who he really is. And I don’t know how he’s managed to do it. Perhaps River Dog is right. Perhaps I’m really not one of them and because of that, I’ll never really understand. I want to though. Cause the way I’m feeling now; it’s indescribable. Fear, suspicion, loyalty, love… River Dog was wrong about one thing though. They do deserve my trust.
Liz Parker sighed and shifted in the warm, copper-colored, wool blanket wrapped around her body and lounge chair. She closed the pen and put it down on the half written journal page, never once taking her eyes off the night sky. The cloudless, autumn night filled her senses. The breeze ruffled her hair. The stars illuminated her view. If she looked hard enough, the sixteen-year-old girl would have been able to find familiar constellations. But Liz wasn’t interested in looking that hard. She wasn’t interested in the stargazing.
Her eyes drifted to the sky because it had become a habit, a ritual. Every night, she wrote a passage in her black, leather-bound journal to remember every detail of her life now; at least every part of it since Max Evans had become a permanent fixture. Then, she’d stare at the sky had become ritual as well. Growing up in Roswell, Liz had never thought twice about the possibility of extra-terrestrial life. It was a scientific possibility, but as far as she was concerned, it didn’t exist. It was her point of view for many years, until Max opened her eyes to an incredible secret he, his sister, and their best friend had been hiding. Now, Liz couldn’t help but look at the stars and wonder which one was theirs.
She closed the book, it’s pages coming together with a quiet thump and placed it on the coffee table next to her chair, the pen crushed inside as a placeholder. Quietly, Liz folded the old blanket, placing it where she once sat. She briefly looked over her shoulder, as if a new paranoia prevented her from doing anything without question anymore. After a split-second, Liz decided it was safe, picked up the journal, and walked over to the brick wall adjacent to her balcony. Holding the journal beneath her chin, Liz used both hands to wiggle a brick free from it’s captive. With the brick in one hand, Liz used the other to place her notebook inside the wall. As quickly as she had begun, Liz was finished, her thoughts safely hidden from the outside world once more.
Finishing the nightly ritual, Liz walked over to the windowsill and climbed into her room. She carefully closed the window, and pulled the shades down, leaving them opened only slightly. Running her hands through her straight brown hair, Liz yawned. Although the past week had been quiet, she had taken advantage of the peace to catch up on the schoolwork she had put off due to ethereal circumstances. That, on top of her waitressing job at the Crashdown Café, nearly wiped her out as much as searching for aliens had the previous week.
As Liz crawled into bed, she smiled. She felt happy to finally get some sleep, but even happier knowing what the next day would bring. Tomorrow would be Monday. Monday meant school. Monday meant seeing Max Evans again.
To be continued…
What did you all think? Should I post the next part?
[ edited 8 time(s), last at 23-May-2002 5:44:39 PM ]
|posted on 22-May-2002 8:20:13 PM by Lizzy Parker|
Jennifer (Bordersinsanity) -
Hey! How are you? I haven't spoken to you in such long time. I hope everything is going well. Yeah, I did stop writing for a long while, most of this school year actually, due to some personal stuff I was going through. I sort of abandoned a lot of things I hold important, but I'm starting to get back on track. And that means writing again. I'm happy about that though.
I'm glad you like the new fic and I hope you enjoy this part. Thanks for the wishes. Things are going a bit better, but I just can't wait for the summer. I'm stuck in New York City this summer, but oh well. Only a year and a half till college, LOL, and I don't intend on going to a NYC school. Actually, despite being stuck in the city, it's sort of exciting cause I'll be interning at one of the Biophysics labs at Rockefeller University. It's one of the top science graduate schoools, so I'm really excited. I get my ID tommorow! That's just about as BIG as it gets this summer. Are you doing anything interesting, aside from just work?
Again, I hope you enjoy this part. I spent my three free periods (lunch, what's that again?) working on it in the computer lab cause I was having so much fun writing it. Thanks so much for the feedback. Feel free to IM me at any time. Talk to you soon!
Too much caffine today amiga? LOL, you sounded really hyper in your post. I was laughing when I read it. Thanks. Thank you, thank you, thank you for your flattery. LOL, I don't think it's that greatly written. You did sound pretty deranged actually. Cut back on the sugar! LOL... You must have had a great day! Well, I hope this update is soon enough for ya. Talk to you later! Oh, and I will reply your e-mail Friday. If not, feel free to yell at me or something.
Everyone who left Feedback-
Thanks so much!!! I really appreciate it! Hope you all like the next part...and don't forget the feedback please?
Now, on with the fic.
Into My Own
November 22nd. We’ve been studying Robert Frost in English class for the past week now. And when I read his poems, I can’t help but laugh. Here and there, a poem, an excerpt, or a line will jump out at me and scream: “This is your life now!” Funny, huh? I’ve become so overwhelmed by this…this conspiracy…that I see it in the words of an early twentieth century poet. And I don’t think Mr. Frost had aliens in mind when writing some of these…
“…’But so with all, from babes that play/At hide-and-seek to God afar,/So all who hide too well away/Must speak and tell us where they are.’ The title of this poem is ‘Revelation.’ And I know, that in your teen-age years, most of you must go through life-altering revelations every day. But now, I want you to think outside that. What do you think Frost meant the narrator’s revelation to be?”
Ms. Kelley’s ice-blue, piercing stare slowly gazed across the classroom as she put down the poetry book. The five by six rows of desks were mostly full, with some students raising their hands eagerly, while others stared right back at her either out of boredom or attention. Ms. Kelley ignored the hands and semi-alert pupils. She continued to search the rows of students until her eyes settled on one in-particular young man sitting in the back of the classroom. The corners of her lips curved into a smile.
“Mr. Evans? Would you like to share your own version of the discovery?” A startled Max Evans jumped in his seat, almost knocking over his loose-leaf binder in the process. His eyes were wide and nervous, as if he had never thought that anyone would notice him in the back, left hand corner of the room. Before he had a chance to speak, Ms. Kelley continued. “Or would you perhaps prefer to tell us what’s so interesting in Ms. Parker’s section.”
Quiet rounds of laughter filled the classroom as kids smirked and snickered at Max’s obvious discomfort and embarrassment. His face flushed in a faint blush as he looked down at his notebook. Sometimes Max just forgot that he wasn’t invisible. It just wasn’t one of his powers. He never really gave much thought that some day, someone was going to catch him watching Liz Parker, which was probably one of his favorite activities on Earth. No, that’s too stalker sounding, Max thought, trying to dismiss the idea from his brain as twenty-seven pairs of eyes continued to watch him. Yet, he couldn’t help but think like that, just like he couldn’t help but love her. Max had always felt drawn to Liz Parker by some unexplainable link. Sometimes, more often than, especially lately, he wondered if she felt the same.
After seconds passed, Max finally looked up from his notes. Though hesitant, Max quickly glanced to the right, to the area where Liz was sitting. She, along with the rest of the class, watched him, waiting for an answer to Ms. Kelley’s question. But Liz’s face was different from that of the rest of their classmates. Aside from a slight blush, she had a small, shy smile on her face and a dreamy look in her chocolate brown eyes that made Max’s heart skip a beat and forget all about the previous embarrassment. He wanted to return the smile so much his heart ached.
“Well Mr. Evans? Do you have an answer?” Ms. Kelley asked again, interrupting Max’s thoughts. With another quick glance to the right, Max noticed she had interrupted Liz’s as well. When he looked up, Max saw that Ms. Kelley had made her way from the front of the classroom to his desk. He gulped. Shit, he thought. More than anything, Max hated to be put on the spot in class.
“I, uh..” Max choked on the words. Damn! Why didn’t he pay attention? “I. I think it’s about…” What was it about again? Max blinked his eyes furiously, trying to gain hold of the moment. “Frost was trying to say-“
Just as Max was about to try to make sense of the poem, the bell rang, signaling the end of the period. “Write a paragraph on what the narrator’s revelation is in the poem for homework tonight. And make sure it’s legible!” Ms. Kelley shouted over the noise of students closing their notebooks and packing their book bags. Max sighed in relief. He was invisible once more.
Max closed his own notebook and slid it into his backpack, along with his pen. Just as he was about to walk towards the door, he felt a tap on his shoulder. Max turned around to see Liz standing behind him, one hand tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, the other gasping grasping her bag a bit nervously.
“Hi,” she whispered only audible to Max. He couldn’t help the goofy smile that spread across his face. She waited for him at the end of class instead of rushing off to find Maria. And this was even after he made a complete fool of himself in the period.
“Hey,” he replied, just as quietly. He moved one hand from his side to envelop Liz’s free hand. A perfect fit, Max thought. He wondered if every alien had a human counterpart, the two halves making a whole. He looked down at Liz. Almost immediately, she looked from their clasped hands to Max’s face. She wore the same smile from earlier in class.
“I…I’ve been wanting to do that,” Max spoke quietly, “since last Saturday. You know, when we left River Dog’s cave. It just…” He broke off, not quite sure how to place his feelings.
“I know what you mean.” Her eye’s shined as they looked up into his. “Everything’s just been so hectic since then. You know, with school and all.”
“Exactly,” Max said. “And then there’s Michael and Isabel… Sometimes, I just don’t know what they’re problem-“
“They do have a point Max.” They began to walk to the door. Max held it open for Liz.
She giggled. “Thank you,” Liz spoke in between laughs. He could be so polite, so romantic, she thought. How is it that know one else ever noticed? How is it that she managed to survive so long without Max’s friendship? Liz couldn’t imagine her life without it now. She felt the momentary lack of contact between them and missed it. The second Max closed the classroom door behind him, she reached for his hand again.
“I’m glad you find me so amusing,” Max replied, with a twinkle in his amber eyes. She looked up into them as they joined the masses of students. She smiled. Liz could spend and eternity staring into his eyes. Whenever she did, she always felt that she was one of those damsels in distress in the fairy tales Grandma Claudia used to read to her. She wondered if Max ever considered being her knight in shining armor.
“So, what do you have next?” Max wanted this silence between them gone, even though he was perfectly content to just walk with Liz, holding her hand, for the rest of the day. It was a stupid question, he knew. But, maybe Liz didn’t know that he had memorized her whole schedule by heart.
“Spanish. With Maria,” Liz answered automatically. Oh, so that’s why she always met up with Maria after English, Max realized. He mentally laughed. God, he could be so pathetic when it came to Liz.
“Mr. Rodriguez’ class?”
“Yeah,” she whispered airy. “It’s fun, sometimes. I prefer biology though. That’s more interesting. Plus, the people in…” Liz immediately stopped her sentence. Oh my God, had she given anything away? She knew Max liked her and that he knew his feelings were return, but still. Great going Parker, she scolded, just announce it to the whole world! Why, why did she always have to make a fool of herself in front of him?
“Hmm, I’ll have to remember that,” Max said. He loved this: the conversation, the fact that she cared for him. Except for the whole FBI thing, Max was thankful to the gods above, or whoever controlled their fates, that he had to save Liz’s life that day. All his dreams came true. Well, except for the one where he takes her into his arms and kisses her breathlessly the way those old time movie heroes did. But at this rate, maybe it could happen. Anything was possible. Max smiled again. Being around Liz always made him giddy, always made him feel more human.
The continued their walk in a slightly awkward silence. Max didn’t mind it now, though. Not any more. He had gotten to talk, even if only slightly, and he might possibly try to convince Michael to eat lunch with Maria and Liz today. Well, that is if Alex didn’t join them. Ms. Topolski was right. Stepping out from behind the tree was wonderful!
“Well, uh, this is my classroom.” Liz stopped in front of an entrance and slowly pulled her hand out of Max’s. She bit her lower lip, unsure of what to say next.
“Oh, yeah. Right,” Max replied. “So, I guess I’ll just, ah, see you later?”
A grin appeared on Liz’s face. “Yeah. So, I’ll talk to you soon. Have fun in history Max.”
Why didn’t he kiss her? Whenever Kyle had walked her to class, he always kissed her before saying good-bye. She wished it could be the same with Max. Why did he always have to be so protective about who they were? At least Michael and Isabel didn’t interrupt their conversation this time. They always seemed to be in the same vicinity as she and Max. And the other two aliens thought alike about the budding relationship: don’t let it happen! Sometimes, Liz really wished she could figure out some way to convince them to give her a break.
Liz waved good-bye. Max smiled and lifted his own hand slightly to return the gesture. Then, she turned and entered the classroom. If he listened close enough, Max could hear her laughter. Obviously, she had found Maria rather quickly. He started the trip down the hall. Damn, he thought, looking at his watch. If he didn’t hurry, he’d be late to his US History class. And it was on the second floor! Figures. Despite this, Max was happy. He just spent the last few minutes with Liz.
“God, can you believe this guy?” Maria DeLuca started in, the minute she and Liz were two feet away from the Spanish classroom. Her short, blond hair bounced slightly as she waved her arms irritably. “I mean, if it wasn’t already bad enough talking in Spanish the entire period, without any English. Now he has to go and do this? God, writing two – not one I tell you – TWO pages of how our lives have changed since starting high school! And by tomorrow?! It’s insanity.”
Liz turned as she walked so she could face her best friend. She quickly pulled Maria’s arms down before they hit anyone. “Maria, calm down. What do you expect? He’s a teacher. They give homework. And besides, Mr. Rodriguez hasn’t assigned us any homework for a few days now. He was bound to give us some soon.”
Maria stopped walking at this comment and grabbed Liz’s wrists. “No Liz. This is inconceivable. This isn’t homework. This is hell. And he’s not a teacher; he’s a slave driver. No teacher in their right mind would assign this because ultimately, they’d be the ones having to read all of them. And anyway, what am I supposed to write. It’s not like I can say the truth. Oh, my life has changed drastically ever since I found out that three of the people I’ve known since I was nine are actually-“
Liz clamped her hand over Maria’s mouth. Though the hallway was now mostly empty, she couldn’t take a chance. “Maria!” she shouted, her stare scolding her best friend in the process. “I can’t believe you! How many times have I had to stop you from…” She sighed.
“Jeez Liz, I’m sorry,” Maria muttered as soon as Liz had moved her hand away. “It won’t happen again.”
“I swear. Come on. Let’s find Alex and go to lunch.”
Liz nodded. As much as she loved Maria, Liz was also afraid that someday, Maria’s mouth might get them into trouble: the serious kind…with disastrous results. Someday, this alien secret would cause them all to wind up some place they shouldn’t of come to in the first place. Forcing these thoughts to the back of her head, Liz followed Maria to their lockers.
From where he stood in the corner of the hall, Michael Guerin was able to overhear every part of Liz and Maria’s conversation. He cursed to himself. He didn’t like this one bit. Michael knew that Max shouldn’t have saved Liz that day, but there was nothing he could have done. Max had pulled one of those ‘I’m the leader, listen to me’ stunts. With the rate at which everything had been spiraling out of control it was going to get them all killed. It had always been Max, Michael, and Isabel. They never trusted humans before. Why should they now?
But, for some reason, Maria and Liz had managed to squirm their way past these defenses. Max was already smitten with the Parker girl, and now it seemed that she was actually reciprocating feelings. There’s one to the human abyss Michael counted. Isabel always managed to stay aloft and superior from the rest of their peers in her own way. But Max and Michael both knew how much she wanted real girl friends to talk to. Not the fake ones she always hung out with. This sucked to Michael, cause sooner or later the duo might try to befriend Isabel or she them.
And what about him? Michael never trusted any humans before, least alone his foster father Hank. He possessed no intention of starting now. But last week, he did something unimaginable. He had kissed Maria DeLuca. The little jabber mouth just wouldn’t shut up. In fact, she dared him to find a way to make her calm down. And he did. Michael just still couldn’t figure out why he chose that particular method. It was his first kiss, but part of him hoped that it would not be his last. He hated that.
Since then, he had taken an interest in watching the two girls. He knew Liz could be trusted but only to a point. Michael figured this out after he had stolen Liz’s journal. Maria was another story. She was still an enigma to him. An especially annoying, drama-queen, blond haired, brown eyed enigma that somehow had gotten to him. Michael didn’t like it one bit. And once again, DeLuca had almost shouted their secret to the entire school. This pissed Michael off.
He cursed under his breath and slammed a nearby locker door shut. Michael needed to find Maxwell. They needed to figure out what to do about these two humans, that is, if they ever wanted to live to see graduation.
“Maxwell, we need to talk.” Michael slammed his hand on top of Max’s book. He quickly glanced down. It was another one of those UFO books Milton had given him. Kind of ironic: an alien-fanatic nutcase giving an alien books on UFOs to read. Max looked up from his book.
“Hey, I was reading that.”
“And I don’t care.” Michael smirked and grabbed a near by chair from one of the other tables in the quad. He sat down facing Max and grabbed some of the Doritos lying on the table. “Needs more Tobasco,” he muttered before pulling a bottle out from his jacket pocket it and dumping it over the chips.
“No offense Michael, but that is my lunch you’re eating.”
“None taken.” Michael felt a slight sting at the words despite his offhand response. He knew Max’s mother had made him this lunch, and that somewhere in the campus, Isabel was eating something similar. What was most important was that they were made out of love. Just for once, Michael wished he would be adopted by a real family, like the Evanses. But he knew that wasn’t happening. He had a better chance of finding out where his real home was. And that’s what Michael Guerin intended to do. But in order to accomplish that, he had to stay tough.
Michael looked around the campus to make sure that no one was within hearing range. The last thing he needed was someone, especially Maria or Liz, to overhear this conversation. Things had to remain secret. That was the only way they’d remain safe. He was satisfied when he noticed that the girls were by the lawn, laughing at something Alex had just said. “What a weirdo.”
“Who?” Max asked.
“That Alex guy Maria and Liz always hang out with.”
Max shifted around in his seat to see what Max was talking about. Off in the distance, Alex was imitating someone or something that was causing Maria and Liz to lie on the grass in fits of laughter. Max was glad. Liz had mentioned to him at some point how strained their friendship had been ever since he dragged her into the alien secret. Still watching them, Max spoke.
“I think he’s a nice guy. He’s their best friend and would probably make a good ally. Liz has mentioned something to me of Alex’s computer skills. You never know when we might need that.”
“No way Maxwell. It’s bad enough that those two,” he pointed to Liz and Maria, “know. There is no way we’re getting anyone else involved. Humans are the enemy, remember?”
“Not all,” Max said quietly. “I wish you and Isabel could see that someday.” He fumbled around with his sandwich, and then took a bite.
“Maria’s going to spill,” Michael stated bluntly. He wanted to think better of her than that, but Hank had taught Michael long ago that there’s a big difference between what you want and what you had. He shuddered internally remembering that day.
“I thought we went over this already. She hasn’t said anything to Topolski or anyone else. Even when we thought Maria was going to give everything away to Sheriff Valenti, she still came through for us.”
Michael couldn’t stand it anymore. Max had a point. He just didn’t want to listen. There had to be some way to see…wait, no. He was not doing this just cause he wanted an excuse to see her again. There was some serious stuff going on right now in his life and Maria was the last thing he needed to interfere.
“You’re too trusting. You’re whole Liz obsession is softening you. God damn it Max! We have a link to our home planet, someone that knew someone, Nasedo or whatever his name was, and what are you doing? Sitting here, still pretending you just your typical high school sophomore. Well, news flash, you aren’t.”
“Michael…” Max began, but his spiky-haired companion immediately cut him off.
“No Maxwell, we need to do something. And if you don’t, then I will.”
Max shook his head in surrender. “Fine. We’ll have a group meeting after school and work something out about this whole River Dog/Nasedo thing. And by group, I mean everyone: me, you, Isabel, and Liz and Maria. I’ll ask Liz later if it’s okay if we used the Crashdown. I’ll see her in math.”
Michael glared. He had pushed the right buttons. It worked. Though it was something, it wasn’t entirely what he had wanted. “Whatever Maxwell. I just hope this all doesn’t blow up in your face.” With that, he pushed the chair down and stormed away.
To be continued…