|posted on 22-May-2002 3:54:24 PM by Zephyr|
Disclaimer: None are mine. The title is from the song “I Shall Believe” from Sheryl Crow.
Feedback: Always welcomed
Summary: The story is in POV’s, mostly Max although snippets of the others will be in it. Post Season 2. They have decided to search for Max's son.
I shall believe
And I shall believe
I’m not sure what I feel. Should I feel happy or sad? I don’t . . I haven’t had real emotions for a very long time.
Today is my sister’s funeral. Today is Isabel’s funeral.
This is unreal. I think I’m going to wake up now. Except I can’t because this is real. I refuse to believe this. I refuse to . .
Isabel? Isabel, wake up. C’mon sweetie, wake up. We’ve got thing to do. Wars to fight. We gotta keep running. You know we can’t stay long.
This is not real.
Isabel. May you always smile. What kind of stupid fu-!! She doesn’t even have a last name on her tombstone. May you always smile? Who the hell thought that up? This isn’t what it’s supposed to be. This isn’t how it’s supposed to end for you. No. Little sisters don’t die before their older brothers. You don’t get it, Isabel. You don’t . . get it. I’ve imagined my death so many times in so many ways but I never imagined yours. You know why? Oh shit, why am I crying?? You know why, Isabel? It’s because it’s not part of the plan. You’re not supposed to die. You can’t. You’re supposed to fall in love. You’re supposed to marry and have children and you can tell them about brave, stupid Uncle Max and how he stupidly died.
No! NO!! This is unacceptable. Isabel, get up! Isabel. Isabel?
oh my god.
oh my god you’re dead.
Please God. Please God no. I’m praying. I’m praying now. Is it too late to pray? Can I ask for her back? That’s all I ask. For her, just her.
Take Michael. God, just take Michael! Take me! It’s our faults. It’s ours. We should’ve . . I don’t know. We could’ve done something different. Oh please God. This isn’t fair. You’re supposed to be fair! Look what you’ve done, God! Look what you did! Fair?!
I gotta get outta here. We need to go.
Isabel? Isabel, you coming? No, I somehow didn’t think so.
Pray for me, Isabel. Pray that we live . . at least, for just a little while.
* * * * *
“Can you hold my hand? Just for a little while.”
“I’ll hold on as long as you want me to.”
* * * * *
Isabel’s death took him the hardest. And I don’t blame him for shutting me out. Or her, for dying. In a world like this, it’s useless to point your fingers. Everyone’s at fault. Everyone’s guilty. And even I, the smallest of small town girls, even I have fingers pointed at me.
[ edited 11time(s), last at 6-Jun-2002 2:20:57 PM ]
|posted on 22-May-2002 11:05:18 PM by Zephyr|
|Thanks you guys for the feedback. You guys give great feedback. I was so afraid someone was gonna trash me out for this but no one has. I know this is a weird Post Season 2 fanfic with everything happening at once. But you gotta remember this is Post Season 2. I didn't say it was right after Season 2 ended, just some time after. Some things are gonna be explained in the next chapter which will come up, possibly tomorrow.|
the better twin
|posted on 23-May-2002 4:04:05 PM by Zephyr|
|Thanks for giving me more feedback. I won't be able to post any more chapters after Chapter 2 because I am working on something else too. Hope you read that. It's called, "Verona".|
|posted on 23-May-2002 4:04:41 PM by Zephyr|
Please say honestly
you won’t give up on me
If I could feel, I’d say that I love you. I hope you know that. I don’t say it enough, like I’ve ever really did. But you knowing that I do is more important now than it ever has been. Because now things are more dangerous. I want you to remember incase . . just incase. Are you listening to me, Liz? Are you still mad at me? I wish you wouldn’t look at me like that, like you can read my mind. It scares me. You can see flashes, you’ve touched my soul . . but you can’t read minds. I’m glad every time I remember that.
You know so much about me. You know my favorite drinks, my favorite colors, the favorite places I love you to touch. But there are things deep inside that I can’t share. Things that haven’t been the same since Tess. I don’t know what to do about them, Liz. I know they can’t stay. These feelings. These things. Memories. I’m afraid that one day they’ll surface right when you’re looking into my eyes, and you won’t see me, and for a moment, you might see her.
That’s what I’m afraid of the most. You don’t know how terrified I am to show you, Liz, of what’s buried under, deep inside the waters. You’ll remember what I am. You’ll realize because you that you forget sometimes . . every other moment, that I’m alien. That I don’t belong here. I think sometimes you pretend we’re just two dumb luck kids running around the country looking for a great time like amateur detectives or some horrible game of hiding-go-seek. You don’t want to see my alien side. You don’t want to see me as something completely different from you. I think it saddens you while it scares the shit out of me. We’ve got so many things not going for us that forgetting that I’m alien makes it easier, you know. We can forget a little while some of the biggest reasons why . . . I’d like to fall asleep thinking that I’m human, that I’m with you back in Roswell stargazing at your roof. We’d both like to.
I don’t want you to see me as alien. I never want you to. Look at all the great examples: Tess, the Skins, Michael. But I’m half alien, half bad, and sooner or later it’s going to come out again like it did with Tess. Like me sleeping with her when I know I love you. And the thing is, while I love all of you, you love half of me. You love the human side, the side I’m proud to show. And you’re so curious about the alien side . . . but you don’t love it, can’t love it, because you have no idea what it is and I swear to God I’ll never show you.
I can’t let this go, Liz. These feelings and memories from Tess. You don’t think I’ve tried? I have. I really have! I’ve tried and I’m tired of trying. I don’t know. Maybe I really don’t want to let them go.
Somewhere out there Tess exists. Somewhere out there she’s waiting for me to take back what’s mine. My son, the one thing she’s been able to take away from me. She knows her power over me. She’s waiting and I . . . Liz, I feel like she knows I’m not alone, that you’re with me. You might be my greatest downfall yet.
She possesses my mind. Sometimes she’s all I can think of. I play over everything she’s ever done, ever said. I play it over and over again and see where I went wrong. I try to catch the moment when we played into her lies and games. I don’t think I can figure it out. We all wanted to believe her. We all wanted to believe that there were some good in everything, in everybody. We know different now.
I don’t love Tess as much as I love you. You can’t believe that. But the thing is, the key is . . that I love her. And it breaks me as much as it would break you if you knew. She’s a part of me, Liz. She’s as much a part of me as that baby. That son. I’d love her without him, and I love her more because she has him. But never will I love her as much as I love you.
If you only knew . . I think it’d break your heart, ‘cause it’s definitely breaking mine.
I have a destiny, Liz, and you know that. And I can’t run away from it like you did. I can’t change it and I don’t want to. We’re soul mates, and if there’s anything I believe I believe in that. But soul mates . . aren’t they supposed to be part of the destiny? Not against it? That’s why I can’t run away from this, Liz. That’s why I have to face this. Because my destiny is with you. I know that. I’ve always known that. It’s just the other parts I don’t get. I don’t know where Tess fits in my destiny. Where my son fits. But you’ve got to know, you’ve got to believe that you are the biggest part of it. You’re the biggest part of my everything.
My god, Liz. You’re the prize. You’re what I get if I win, if I live. You can’t ever think . . don’t ever think that you mean nothing to me. Liz, you’re my destiny.
That’s the problem. That’s always been the problem. Everyone knows. Everyone knows how much you mean to me and they’ve used you as much as they’ve used me. I can’t let anything happen to you. You know I can’t live without you . . right? You know I can’t live without you. What if some Skin takes you down as easily as they took . . as easily as they took Isabel. I can’t let that happen. If you’re gone, at least if you’re somewhere far away from me, I would know that you’re alive. I would know that there was something waiting for me. That there’s something to return to when I’ve got nothing left. It’s selfish, I know. But I deserve something, damn it! I deserve to be happy. I need to know that there’s something to be happy about in this world.
I almost have nothing, Liz. I have you. I have Michael. That’s it. It’s just the three of us now.
Maria? Maria hates me. We all know why. Hell, the world knows why. There’s not much left I can lose. I’ve lost my son even before I had him. I lost my sister. I’ve lost my parents. I’ve lost so many friends. I don’t want to lose you, Liz. If I lose you . .
I’ve come to learn that everything given to me is on loan. They’re temporary. The Lord gives and He takes away. I’m counting the days when He’ll take you.
I can almost handle anything now. All the disappointments for the last month has made me . . empty. I can lose Tess. I almost want to. But I know it would hurt, more than I think it would. I can lose my son. Oh you’d love that, wouldn’t you Liz? You’d love it if I lost my son. The search would be over and you can return to be the normal human girl in Roswell. That was bitterness, Liz. Bitterness of the truth. I know I’m not fair, but nothing has been. Not God, not Tess, not even you. Not even you, Liz, have been fair to me.
Maria thinks she’s lost too much. Sometimes I wish she’d open her damn eyes and stop thinking about herself and about her friggin’ relationship with Michael. She has no idea, no idea, what things I’ve lost. She has no idea what it’s like to be a leader. She doesn’t know that the choices I make today determines if we die tomorrow. All she can think of is Michael. Michael this and Michael that. Michael is . . . I don’t know what Michael is. Honestly? I try to forget about him because, not because I want to but, because he hasn’t said much after Isabel and . . .
God, I think he’s more alone than I am. Isabel was his fiancé, you know, in Antar. She was his sister here. And now she’s dead. All I’ve been giving him are orders and we haven’t really talked about anything, especially not about Isabel. He knows I blame him. Everyone knows. Maria hates me. She hates what I’m doing to him. She hates that I wouldn’t let her to go back to Roswell yesterday, that I won’t let her call her mother. And why should I? We didn’t tell ours. What makes her so damn special and different from the rest of us?
Man, I wish Kyle was here. There are too many aliens in this group.
* * * *
“Max? Max, are we gonna talk or are you going to walk away every time I try to speak to you?”
“Liz, you know why I don’t want you here. You know I couldn’t stand it if . .”
“I know. I know. But Max, this is my life. And this is my choice. I want to be here with you. And if it means not finding your son . .”
“And what if we do? Will you still be here, Liz?”
“Max, I’m not gonna walk away from you. Not anymore. You’re just- you’re just gonna have to put up with me . . . I love you, Max.”
“Liz, I . . . thank you for believing in me.”
* * * *
Max doesn’t understand. I understand. Why are we going after our enemies? It doesn’t make sense. Why are we trying to find that baby? What’s Max gonna do with it? Take it back to Roswell? What’re we gonna do with a baby? He doesn’t know. No one knows. And we’re just supposed to follow the leader? Max doesn’t think. He’s flying this from the seat of his pants and we’re stuck here two steps behind sacrificing everything we’ve got. He doesn’t listen to us. He doesn’t listen to anybody. I’m the Second-in-Command and all I get is orders from the King. He used to rule in Antar, but he’s not King here. If Max keeps going on like this he’s gonna lose more than Isabel. He’s gonna lose me, and everything with it.
[ edited 1 time(s), last at 23-May-2002 4:14:03 PM ]
|posted on 24-May-2002 2:21:23 PM by Zephyr|
|Thanks for the feedback. Now do you kind of understand why this is Post Season 2? I'm really glad you are intrigued and like this fanfic. Everyone is pretty much riding on one nerve in this story and you'll be able to see how everything breaks apart. Yes, this is a sad fanfic.|
|posted on 28-May-2002 3:08:58 PM by Zephyr|
Seems like every time I try to make it right
it all comes down on me
The search is endless. Pointless. I look at the open road and I don’t see a million possibilities. I see one. I give up hope in finding you. You’re a dream that keeps haunting even as I fall back asleep. All I dream is you. I want to stop dreaming. I can’t wake up with your name between my lips. It scares me, how much you mean to me. How much you mean to this whole journey of mine.
They think I’m tired: I’ve only grown hopeless. I hear their whispers. Their secret meetings. I know what they say and how much hope they’ve given up. Nevertheless they follow the leader, they follow me. Like children playing dangerous games. And yet, I’m the one who is the child. They watch me, they lead me. As I lead them to find you, they’re leading me home.
Every day is another step, another journey. I’m not sure where we’re going. I’m not sure where I wanna end up. I’m still struggling to find where I began.
Don’t you know I’ll never find you? Don’t you know that I know that? It’s like an endless circle of eternity. All I go is round and round and I’m never getting anywhere. All I see is desert and city and road. Blurring people all converging to become one mass of strangeness, of strangers. I recognize you in no one.
I don’t even know if you’re waiting. What if you don’t know me? What if you don’t need rescuing. God, I never thought . . I never wanted to stop and to think that maybe you’re happy wherever you are . . not knowing me. Do you hate me? Do you hate me for leaving you? Do you hate Liz?
I’m half asleep and half awake. I find that truth for me only comes at twilight. When guard are down and knowing that no one can hear me but you. I’ll never find you, and only in the twilights can I admit that to myself.
But I can’t stop. You’re an addiction. While the journey deadens me, sacrifices must be made . . you’re the thing that keeps me alive. You make me breathe one more day. You give me a reason. God, I love you so much. You make me feel like I’m a part of something. That I belong and I’m appreciated . . somewhere. You give me purpose. I need to save you. You give me hope.
We all have our gifts. We all have our specialty, our talents. My gift is healing. Saving.
There’s nothing I can do better than heal. It’s the matter if I can heal myself that confuses me the most. I don’t think that’s my job.
I think that’s yours.
* * * *
“Are you okay? I mean, what are you doing out here?”
“Stargazing, Liz. I couldn’t sleep . . . You should go back to sleep. We have a big day tomorrow.”
“Maybe you should take your own advice.”
“I don’t really want . . company right now.”
“Oh. Okay . . . Max just . . get some rest okay?”
“You don’t have to worry about me. Just stargazing, Liz.”
“Max, all I do is worry about you . . . Good night, Max.”
“Good night, Liz.”
* * * *
I can’t sleep knowing that he’s out there, he’s not here with me. And I think that hurts the most. Because he chose to be alone. He chose to build up this wall around himself. What is he protecting himself from? Disappointment? Me? The problem with the wall is that I’m not inside. I’m stuck out here watching the boy I love disappear from my very own eyes. And I can’t do anything about. The problem with Max’s walls is that they’re made of glass . . . and I can see.
|posted on 29-May-2002 3:19:34 AM by Zephyr|
|Thank you for the feedback. I was afraid I wasn't going to get any. Max's thoughts are darker than most fanfics have allowed it to be. But I've decided to cast a different limelite to "my season three" so here it is. Max was speaking of his son in this chapter though it almost could have been easily misunderstood as his thoughts on tess at the very beginning.|
|posted on 30-May-2002 8:23:42 PM by Zephyr|
|Glad u got it now, m14. I added a sentence or two more in the summary so more people can understand what's happening.|