posted on 6-Jun-2002 7:34:33 AM by Care_Behr
Table of contents.

Page 1
Prospects =Fic
Surgery goes too far =Joke about Tess

Page 2
The run-over Tess =Joke about Tess
Tess learns from her sister =Joke about Tess
The knight's wife =Joke about Tess

Page 3
Tess and mopeds = Joke about Tess
Penises and Poultry = Joke about Tess

Page 4
Max and Liz: failing the church test = Joke about Max and Liz
Guess who!!! = Who's the baby in the pic??? competition!!!!

Page 7
Can't fight the mindwarp = song
sung to Leann Rime's 'can't fight the moonlight


Page 9
Kyle: The sick skiver = Joke about Kyle

Ok, so just to explain what this thread basically is....

I am starting to write short stories... Now instead of writing them in all different theads I will type them all in this thread.

So they are easy to find....

OK.

These stories will be of any rating (but I will state the rating)


right then.


DISCLAIMER: Ok, I own nothing but my imagination so don't sue.


Lot's of love.
Amie.

[ edited 16time(s), last at 14-Feb-2003 9:42:38 PM ]
posted on 6-Jun-2002 7:58:06 AM by Care_Behr
Story No 1
-----------


PROSPECTS

rating: pg-13


He sat silently in the darkness, eagerly awaiting his monthly time, that small 5 minutes he was gifted with on the same hour of the same day every 4 weeks.


Always the same routine, he would go to
the park at 7:50 and feed the ducklings
just like they used to.


He would wait, just like always.


Then at exactly two minutes past eight she would come, she would stand before him.


It was exactly the same tonight.


His eyes widened as she slowly walked infront of him, blocking his view of the small pond.


Her pale complexion would only make him grieve more,


She gives him a weak smile, he misses her smile, that used to light up her whole face.



But now, it is a simple curl of the lips.


"Max". She whispers, almost as if it is tearing her up inside.


This nearly breaks him, to hear the pain in her usually so soft voice.


"Liz, I'm so sorry". This is always said.


He looks at his watch and sees that 2 minutes have already passed since her arrival.


"I know". She says sympathetically.


An awkward silence reigns until Max finally speaks.


"I still miss you, everyday".


To this she nods.


More silence.


She looks up, briefly meeting his eyes.


"It's time for me to go". She says reluctantly.


Panic shoots through him.


He looks down.


"Please don't go". He says looking up again, but it's too late, once gain his
one true love has left him.


"I love you". He whispers into the consuming night.


So here he is again, just an old man living in his past.


Nothing ever develops from his conversation with Liz.


There was this one time, 2 years ago, when she told him to move on and to leave the past behind.


But he couldn't.


He thinks about what happened on that fateful night, how could he have let her walk home alone, with his enemies everywhere.


It was his fault and he knows that.


Even with her gone, he couldn't forget.


He loved, loves her still too much to forget.


So even after 68 years he still returns to that same park bench, at the same time, where he is greeted by the 17 year old ghost of Liz Parker.


And he cherishes the memory of her beauty and her greatness until 3 months
and 6 days later, when they finlly meet again.



THE END


Lot's of love.
Amie.
xxxXXXxxx
posted on 22-Jun-2002 4:32:28 AM by Care_Behr
Ok here's a little joke for you.

Surgery goes too far

Tess Harding goes into the doctor's surgery one day and demands a facelift.

Being a wealthy lady, she chooses the top surgeon in town, and asks him what his favorite technique is.

The doctor assures the woman that his technique is the best in the world.

"After the operation, I put alittle screw behind each ear", he explains. "All you have to do is tighten the screws each time you see a wrinkle appear on your face".

The operation goes ahead and is successful.

But several years later, Tess is alarmed when she notices bags under her eyes, which stay there, however tight she twists the screws.

She rushes back to the surgery and demands to see the surgeon.

"Look at these bags under my eyes!" the
vain woman wails.

"Tess," the surgeon says, "those are your breasts. And if you keep twisting the screws you'll end up with a beard".




Just thought I'd share that with you, I thought it was kinda funny


Lot's of love.
Amie.
xxXXxx
posted on 22-Jun-2002 5:40:43 AM by Care_Behr
So you liked the joke huh? Here's another one.


The run-over Tess

Tess Harding is lying in the road after
being run over.

The driver of the car that knocked her down comes to her aid.

"Are you all right?" he asks.

"You're just a blur," she says. "so my sight is clearly affected".

Concerned, the drive leans over Tess in
order to test her eyesight.

"How many fingers have I got up?" he asks her.

"Oh shit!" she replies. "I must be paralysed from the waist down as well!"



What do ya think?
I have loads more.

Lot's of love.
Amie.
xxXXxx
posted on 22-Jun-2002 5:59:09 AM by Care_Behr
okey dokey *big*

Tess learns from her sister

Young Tess pricks her finger on a drawing pin at school, and calls out to
her teacher that she needs to soak it in some cider.

"Cider!" the teacher exclaims. "What on
Earth do you want to soak it in cider for?"

"Because," Tess says, "my sister says whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she always puts it in cider".


There's another for ya.
Did ya get it?
LOL.
Amie
posted on 22-Jun-2002 7:16:24 AM by Care_Behr
The knight's wife

A brave knight has to and fight on Antar and leaves his wife Tess at home.

As he can't trust her, he fits her with
a chastity belt made from razor blades.

On his victorious returnn he lines up his male staff, making them drop their pants.

He is greeted by a line of shredded manhoods except one.

He goes up to that man and said, "I trusted you and, unlike all the others,you have not betrayed my trust. In return I shall give you half my land".

To which he replies, "Ugg ou gery muk".



Lana I haven't forgot the instructing Max challenge, I'm working on the next part...


LOL.
Amie.
XXxxXX
posted on 22-Jun-2002 10:03:48 AM by Care_Behr
You want another one?

*wink**big*
posted on 22-Jun-2002 11:43:08 AM by Care_Behr
I'll take that as no..... If anyone does just let me know, I've got tons more....
posted on 24-Jun-2002 3:32:54 PM by Care_Behr
Tess 'and mopeds

What's the connection between Tess and a moped?

They're both a great ride until your friends see you on one!

more?



LOL.
Amie
xxXXxx

[ edited 1 time(s), last at 24-Jun-2002 3:37:11 PM ]
posted on 24-Jun-2002 5:18:04 PM by Care_Behr
sorry
posted on 27-Jun-2002 4:51:30 AM by Care_Behr
Here's one for my fellow jokers m14 and Lana Lane. Thanks
guys.


Penises and poultry

Kyle: Tess, Do you know the difference between a penis and a chicken leg?

Tess: No.

Kyle: Well,do you want to go for
a picnic?


This one sucks I'm sorry.
LOL.
Amie
posted on 28-Jun-2002 7:52:29 AM by Care_Behr
Here's one about Max and Liz. To anwser
your question Michaela, I don't make them
up, I just change them to suit Roswell.

Max and Liz: Failing the church test

Max and Liz, as a newly-wed couple moved to a new neighbourhood and were anxious to meet other people, so they decided to join their local church.

They met up with the reverend, who told
them, "We're not interested in any part-time members in our congregation. Belonging is a big commitment. So in order to test yor resolve, I'm going to ask you two to give up sex for 30 days.
After all, Jesus used o go into the desert 40 days at a time, so I don't think this is much to ask. If you pass the test, we'll let you in".

So Max and Liz agreed and went home.

They came back 30 days later and the reverend asked, "Well, how did it go?"

Max replied, "For the first few weeks we were okay. But I started getting pretty horny in the last half of the month, then the final straw came on the 29th day. Liz dropped a head of lettuce on the floor and bent over to pick it up, and there I was, staring at her nice, firm ass sticking up at me. I mean, I couldn't help it.... I threw up her skirt, got her down on the floor, and we had, wild, passionate sex right then and there".

The reverend says, "I'm sorry, but that means you will no longer be welcome in this church".

"Fuck that!" replies Max. "We'll no longer be welcome in the 7,11".

[ edited 1 time(s), last at 28-Aug-2002 4:01:12 PM ]
posted on 30-Jun-2002 4:25:21 PM by Care_Behr
Thanx for all the fb!!! To give you a little reward, we are going to play a little game... The winner, the person who guesses correctly first will win a role in my fic, 'a student willing to learn'.

On with the game, which by the way is guess who.

Who is this?

shiri47

Post your answers.... NOW!!!!

Lot's of love.
Amie.
xxXXxx
posted on 30-Jun-2002 6:41:06 PM by Care_Behr
anybody????
posted on 1-Jul-2002 2:30:59 PM by Care_Behr
quote:
soppysophs originally wrote:
its Shiri.

*bounce**angel**bounce**angel**bounce**angel*soppysophs*angel**bounce**angel**bounce**angel**bounce*


Sounding a little confident aren't we soppy?

Well..... The winner is..... OK maybe alittle more suspense...

QUESTION: Should I let the first correct answer be the winner or do a dip?

LOL.
Amie.
posted on 2-Jul-2002 4:19:37 AM by Care_Behr
Hey, hey, hey hold your horses!!! Who said the answer was even Shiri?!?!?!
posted on 2-Jul-2002 2:06:23 PM by Care_Behr
Ok, ok.... It's Tess.....
posted on 2-Jul-2002 2:23:14 PM by Care_Behr
Ok I lied!!! It's Shiri!!! Ok, It's Shiri.
posted on 2-Jul-2002 2:33:33 PM by Care_Behr
I'm sorry, I think Lana won... because although she said 'it's not Shiri is it?' to me that was more of a statement
than a question... Is that fair?
posted on 2-Jul-2002 2:39:47 PM by Care_Behr
noooooooooooo I bloody can't so get typing quick!!!!
posted on 6-Jul-2002 5:37:36 PM by Care_Behr
SONG:

Can't fight the mindwarp!

Sung to the tune of 'can't fight the moonlight' by Leann Rimes

Somewhere around the town
She's been watching you
and you don't know she's one of you.

You think that you and Liz
can be safe at last
Till you learnt your past.

Underneath the starlight, starlight
There's a destiny planned, it's not
right.
Here to break your heart tonight.

You can try to resist
Try to hide from that bitch
But you know, but you know that you
can't fight the mindwarp!

Though there's no spark
you'll surrender your heart
cause you know, cause you know that you
can't fight the mindwarp
nooooooooooooo
you can't fight it
Gonna break Liz's heart.

There's no escaping Tess
She won't go away
She just came and stole your heart.

No matter what she says
It will be a lie
To get you in her bed.

Underneath the starlight, starlight
There's a destiny planned, it's not right.
here to break your heart tonight.

You can try to resist
Try to hide from that bitch
But you know, but you know that you
can't fight the mindwarp.

Though there's no spark
you'll surrender your heart
cause you know, cause you know that you
can't fight the mindwarp
noooooo
you can't fight it
noooooo
matter how you try
Tonights she's gonna get to you!

Don't fight you're never gonna win.

Underneath the starlight, starlight
There's a destiny planned, it's not right.
Here to break your heart tonight.

You can try to resist
Try to hide from that bitch.
But you know, but you know that you
can't fight the mindwarp

Though there's no spark
you'll surrender your heart
cause you know, cause you know that you
can't fight the mindwarp
nooooooo
you can't fight it.

You can try to resist
Try to hide from that bitch
but you know, but you know that you
can't fight the mindwarp.

Though there's no spark
you'll surrender your heart
cause you know, cause you know that you
can't fight the mindwarp
noooooooo
you can't fight it.

Tess will get to your heart.




lot's of love.
Amie.
xxXXxx
posted on 6-Jul-2002 6:00:11 PM by Care_Behr
come on everyone!!! sing along!!!
posted on 13-Jul-2002 5:11:25 AM by Care_Behr
aH Nothing like waking up to some bumps
and yours twos wise ass comments... luvya both!!! Lana my head hurts a little but that won't stop me writing today!!!
posted on 28-Aug-2002 3:51:08 PM by Care_Behr
I haven't posted for a while... so here's a joke...

Kyle: The sick Skiver

Kyle rings his boss at work and says, "Look, I'm sorry, but I can't come to work today. I'm sick".

"Sick!" Screams his boss. "Sick? This is the tenth time this month, Kyle, Exactly how sick are you?"

"Well" replies Kyle. "I'm in bed with Tess!"