posted on 18-Jun-2002 12:27:09 PM by Jiggers
Title: Learning to Breathe (it's a song by Switchfoot)
Catagory: Crossover - Buffy/Angel/Roswell - M/L - B/A
Summary: This is fairly up to date with all aired episodes. I must admit tho I haven't been following Angel that well, so if I screw something up from that show, forgive me. I'm not an Angel/Cordy Fan nor do I fathom the idea of Spike and Buffy but I do give Cordy some credit ... and even spike eventually. But I'm not gonna go into detail ... cause well the way the story will go will be fairly obvious ... or at least it should be.
AN- I know ... me writing another story ... but see I've been watching Season 2 of buffy with the Angel/Buffy Magic and I want that back ... plus I can't get this Roswell idea's out of my head so there ... lol


~Learning to Breathe~

Hello, good morning, how you do?
What makes your risin' sun so new?
I could use a fresh beginning too
All of my regrets are nothing new
So this is a way, that I say I need You
This is a way
This is a way

That I'm learning to breathe
I'm learning to crawl
I'm finding that you and you alone can break my fall
I'm living again, awake and alive
I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies

Hello, good moring, how you been?
Yesterday left my head kicked in
I never, never thought that
I would fall like that
Never knew that I could hurt this bad

I'm learning to breathe
I'm learning to crawl
I'm finding that you and you alone can break my fall
I'm living again, awake and alive
I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies
These abundant skies
Yeah, abundant skies, yeah

This is a way that I say I need You
This is a way that I say I love You
This is a way that I say I'm Yours
This is a way

This a the way that I'm learning to breathe
I'm learning to crawl
I'm finding that you and you alone can break my fall
I'm living again, awake and alive
I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies
These abundant skies, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
I'm learning to breathe
I'm dying to breathe in thes abundant skies
Hello, good morning, how you doin'?

by Switchfoot

Part One

I can see the light pouring in, but it doesn’t reach me, the water surrounds me like a blanket, but instead of being comforting, its choking me, But I’m not dying, I can’t die. A Vampyr can’t die. I’ve been dead for over 240 years.

Then it happens. I see her face. Cordellia. She’s coming for me. I can feel her all around me.

“Angel. Listen to me.”

I can’t speak. The water prevents it.

“I’ve ascended. I love you Angel. That’s what I was going to tell you. That I love you.”

I want to tell her I love her too. But I still can’t speak.

“You still have your purpose. Your mission. But I can give you something. A gift. You will remain a Vampyr, but your soul is yours, there is no curse, no way to break it. Your being given a chance at happiness.”

But what about you? I want to scream at her, tell her it’s not worth it.

But then I see another face, it’s not like Cordellia’s it’s only in my mind and I can’t even describe the feelings coursing through my body.


I can actually speak. I haven’t noticed but I’m no longer trapped in the water.

“Go to her Angel. I know I will always have a place in your heart. But it’s Buffy who holds the key.”

I’m on the shore. Free of my cage. My emotions are all over the place. I’m fighting with myself. Cordellia. She’s been there for me since I came to LA and slowly I’ve fallen for her. But Buffy, god Buffy kept me alive even when she didn’t know it, she was my reason for changing my life as a street rat Vampyr to one who helped the good guys. She gave me my mission.


I have to see her. And then she’s there.

I have to touch her, hold her, kiss her.

And she lets me. I take her in my arms and hold her.

“Angel. You must go to her.”

“But I love you.”

“I know you do Angel. And I love you. Which is why I must let you go. Buffy needs you. She’s had a hard time, she’s done things. Things she will regret, but do not judge her too harshly. Your love.” Her voice breaks, “Your love is the key.”

With that she disappears and I’m left alone and cold. Wondering what to do next.

“Ok Mr. & Mrs. Lawson, Your three rooms are on the 2nd floor. Two with king beds one with twins.”

I smile at the man and thank him.

“You ready Mr. Lawson?” I say.

“Of course. Lets go get the others.”

Our friends pile out of the VW Van and I laugh at the tired and grumpy faces.

“Come on rooms are on the 2nd floor.”

We trudge up the stairs. Mine hand in his, and life seems great. Well as great as it can get when your married to an alien and on the run from the government, who recently tried to kill you and all the people you care about.

“Ok … We’re going. Night guys.”

We wave at our friends and don’t bother trying to help them out. We’re exhausted.

“Donna?” he calls.

“We’re alone Max.”

“Sorry, I guess I’m just trying to get used to calling you Donna.”

“Right George.”

I smile at him as he pulls me down to the bed with him.

“I want to scream to the world that you are Elizabeth Evans.”

I can’t help but agree. I want everyone to know that I am his, and he is mine, and nothing. No alien race, destined bride or anything else will ever change that.

“Me too Max.”

“I love you Liz.”


In our exhaustion we don’t even bother to change. I just rest my head on his chest and both of us are sleeping blissfully.

“You are the chosen one.” A voice from nowhere says to me.

I search around, looking for Max, but I’m alone.

“You are the chosen one.”

Its that damn voice again.

“You are the chosen one.”

“I get that, now what the hell are you talking about?” I scream frustrated.

“Into each generation a Slayer is born. One girl in all the world, a Chosen One. One born with the strength and skill to fight the vampires, to stop the spread of their evil and the swell of their numbers.”

“What the hell?” I’m so confused. Am I dreaming?

“You are the chosen one.”

“What do you want from me?”

“Sunny dale, California. You must go there.”

“Why?” God this is insane.

“You are the chosen one.”


“Oh God!” I wake up with sweat pouring down my body. Max is up in seconds next to me. I hear someone trying to get into the door.

Without thinking when the doors opens I grab the person and flip them over on their back.

“Oh Shit! Liz! What the Hell.”



“Yeah what the hell was that about? We heard a scream.”

I see Maria behind him. Oh god what’s happening to me?

“We have to go to Sunny Dale. California.”

“Why?” Max asks concerned. His wiping the sweat from my face.

“I had a dream. We have to go there. I don’t know why but we have to.”

“I have some news.”

I look at Anya, her eyes are somber.

“Giles, well he’s resting, but he got a call.”

“Out with Anya.” I was to hurt her. I’m not sure why.

Is it jealousy? Something else. I don’t know.


Oh god, could this come at a worse time.

“What about Faith?”

“She was killed. In prison. The council is still investigating. It was supposedly a jail fight. But they aren’t so sure. Some random chick in prison shouldn’t be able to kill a slayer.”

“Ok so … “

“So that means the next Slayer will be called. Since the line ran through faith.”

“Great so we should expect some company soon.”

“Yeah basically.”

“Well this is peachy.”

God why can’t things stay simple. Who am I trying to kid. My life can never be simple or normal. Even without being in love with a Vampyr. I wasn’t in love with Spike. I know that now. But it was something. I just don’t know what.

Now we’ve got a new slayer coming to town. Willow is still on the verge of insanity. At least she didn’t end the world.

I want to pull my hair out now.

Feedback is a must ... should I even bother?

[ edited 11time(s), last at 22-Oct-2002 3:25:19 PM ]
posted on 20-Jun-2002 8:19:08 PM by Jiggers
WOW ... I don't think I've ever gotten that muc feedback for one part ... THANK YOU!

LizParkerEvans4evax Yes Ma'am

luvs2Live I'm glad you like ... I hope this part does not dissapoint.

Asabetha Thank you!

forever dreamer Yes, I have it up to date with all the finalie's ... at least as much as I know ... I've kept up with them religiously cept angel

Dia I'm a tottaly Buffy/Angel Girl ... just like I;m a Max/Liz girl and a Dawson/Joey girl and a Dean/Rory girl ... I like the classic couples ... *happy*

Snowdove30 Sorry it took so long ... well not that long ... but longer than expected. had a rough two days

LittleBit glad you love it!

Orion Yes, buffy is still a slayer, since she died kendra was called in Season two, when Drucillia killed Kendra Faith was called. When Buffy died again another Slayer wasn't called because the line ran through Faith, but now instead of "One" there are two. When Buffy dies for good however there will once again be only one. Until then those Vampires have to deal with her. Does that answer your question?

MaryJean MJ so very glad you like it!

LiLEvEe PMS??? ha ha ... you have me rolling on the floor with that one ... he he

roxygurl182 Crossovers rock!!!!

Cinder I've only read two crossovers where LIz was the next slayer and I liked them, but because I want to use angel and buffy as they are ... as well as a married max an liz ... I had to do it differently ... I hope it doesn't get too confusing ... once I get past the set up it may leave POV's ... or alternate between POV and real time ... but we shall see ...

Razz214 Well here is the more for you to read!

tl431 Thank you much!

angeleyes Here's your next part!

britterz_8 Yes the pod squad know ... but of course when liz gets dreams they would go ... not like they have anything better to do ... And Angel - well on the last ep, cordy and angel were going to meet, to basically pledge thier love to each oter. But a spirit or something came to tell cordy that she was going to become a higher being... and then angel's kid locked him in a coffin type thing and thrown in the ocean/river whatever ... so hence him being in the water at the beginning of the story ...

Morrigan Undomiel Interesting name ... *happy* Glad you like it!

Whew ... now on with Part 2

Not really long but it's still in the set up parts

I make my way back to the hotel.

A chance to be happy?

Why do I deserve to be happy?

All the pain I caused. I’d gotten so used to being miserable.

I’m still the undead, I guess it wouldn’t do good to be human.

Been there, done that.

I remember when I was turned human. No one else does of course, but I do.

Every second.

Why do I remember?


I was able to watch the sunrise with Buffy, hold her in my arms.

Make love to her without the fear of loosing my soul.

And now, I can be with her. Cordellia said Buffy needs me.

What if it’s a trick? How could I know? I could loose it all again.

But the chance of having Buffy? Is it worth the risk?

Without much conscious thought I pack some things, leave a note and get in my car.

I don’t even have a destination in mind, but I know where I’ll end up. Sunnydale of course.

My heart is there.

I feel like I’m betraying Cordy, but she told me, I do love her you know. But my heart, and yes I have one, it’s calling out for Buffy. It always has, and it always will.

When I found out she’d died, I was ready to give up my calling, my duty to save the world.

And then Willow brings her back, I didn’t tell anyone but I went to Sunnydale to see her. I think Cordy knew.

She was so empty, I could tell. I wanted to go to her, but I didn’t. I guess I was scared, afraid.

I think she needed me, I understand her, I always have. Not trying to be particularly arrogant here, but I just knew her, better than I knew myself. And I had 240 years to get to know myself.

I used to think Buffy was it for me. I could never love anyone else. And there is some truth to that, I could never love anyone the way I love Buffy. But Cordy surprised me. I remembered her as the shallow bitch that used to date Xander.

It’s so strange how things can change. So strange.

I’ve always found myself drawn to Buffy, thinking about Buffy. I’ve never gotten over her. Moved on a little but never gotten over her.

Of course through all my thoughts I don’t notice the sun begging to come up. So I pull over in a hotel and quickly rent a room, so I can sleep the day and finish my journey into the night.


We are in the van, all of us. The six of us. Its so odd now, how the six has changed, been added to, been taken away, and stayed the same.

Max and I are in the back of the Van, he’s holding me. I think he’s scared.

My dreams were too weird. I told them, He even got a flash of it.

But he’s worried he’s putting me in danger again.

Somehow though, I don’t think this has to do with him, or his alien heritage.

It has to do with me.

So we’re headed to California. I can’t even guess where we are now.

Michael saw how panicked I was and loaded everyone up in the Van within the hour.

He’s got this big brother protection vibe going when it comes to me. Not that I mind.

He and Maria are sharing a room again, not so sure if they are together, or just “together”. I can’t worry about figuring them out right now.

The last dream like state I had was when we were suppose to be killed.

At least I’m a high school graduate eh?

The six of us.

First it was Max, Isabel, Michael, Maria, Me and Alex.

Now it’s George, Rachael, Landon, Alexa, Donna & Zack.

In case your confused, George is Max, Rachael is Izzy, Landon is Michael, Alexa is Maria, I’m Donna and Zack is Kyle.

What can I say we have our secret identities now.

My powers are improving, I’m suddenly stronger, more agile and my reflexes kick ass.

Ahh and Max loves the fact that I’ve become extremely flexible, but you don’t want to hear about that.

Anyways, so we’ve been running, I guess you can call it that, going as far in one day as possible.

We actually had to back track some, to get to California.

Landon says it’s only gonna be a day or so before we get into the state.

I don’t like sleeping, I’ve been having weird dreams.

There are these women, a few of them, who are calling to me. One actually talks to me.

Tells me it will be ok, she’ll teach me.

But I don’t know, the dreams are so vivid.

Max secures me in his arms again, and kisses my head.

I snuggle closer to him. And close my eyes.


My mind keeps drifting to places I don’t want it to go. To him, his dark eyes, the timber of his voice, the way his smile melts at your heart.

I don’t want to think about Angel, I never want to think about Angel. The way he left, the way he talked to me when I confronted him about Faith.

The way I dream that he’s normal and that we are together, watching the sunrise admist the LA surfers.

Angel is the one thing in the world that I’ve always wanted, without fail. I remember when I first met him, his smug smile, gorgeous eyes, he was a dark beauty. His name fitted him like no other name could.

I remember him hurting me, meaning to, and not. I remember him walking away. But most of all I remember not being able to breathe when he left me.

I never thought I’d heal. But I did. I let Parker in, which granted was a mistake, but then there was Riley, who never knew how I really felt. After Riley what do I have?

Spike. I’m not sure why that happened. What was I thinking?

I wasn’t thinking, I needed to feel, and the only time I felt anything, anything at all was with spike. It was almost like Willows addiction to Magic, I needed to feel. I was so numb, numb …

Going through the motions if you will …

And maybe Spike did have real feelings for me, maybe I was a fixation.

As harsh as it is I don’t care, When he tried, when …

I couldn’t breathe again. I may not have trusted Spike with my heart, but I trusted him with my body, and he betrayed me.

And my heart still calls out for Angel. I’ve tried to deny it.

But my heart will always be his. I’m angry with him, bitter at the way things ended.

Hopeful that someday, maybe …

Assuming I don’t kill him if I ever see him again.

Assuming he can look at me, after finding out …

Well you know where assuming gets you?

posted on 24-Jun-2002 10:40:02 PM by Jiggers
Part 3 ~~~~~~~~
You’d think that Sunnydale would have changed since I left. You’d think that people would find it odd that Buffy patrols the graveyard in which she still has a grave.

I’m not sure how long it took me to get here, I think I was just concerned with getting here.

I’m watching her, it reminds me of the times I watched her before she knew about her “destiny” before she was concerned for anything more than going to the movies.

That carefree Buffy, her beauty, the strength behind her eyes is what drew me to her, but the Buffy she became. Vulnerable, strong, stronger than anyone I’ve ever known, that’s the Buffy I feel in love with.

I would watch her, and yeah, it’s a little stalkerish, and a lot like my evil persona, but with Buffy it was always different.

I hate that the most incredible night of my life, turned out to be the worst as well. Aside from becoming myself again and having Buffy plunge a sword through me, banishing me to hell and not knowing why.

Of course once I knew why I couldn’t be angry at her, she was saving herself, which I would have asked her to do anyway. But I know she always carried around the belief that she killed me. She hated herself for it. She ran and left for LA for christsakes.

She became Anne, and Anne just wasn’t Buffy. In reality, Buffy saved me. I know it sounds clichéd and everything, she sent me to hell, thus saving me. But it put everything into perspective, once I regained my sanity of course.

But then, being me again, and not having her was torture, walking away from her was torture. But I had to. Her mother was right. What kind of a life could she have with me. A Vampire with a Soul, but with no purpose. Nothing to offer.

And see that’s what I realize now. I do have things to offer Buffy. I have myself, my heart, everything that I am is hers, it always has been.

I think she hates me, hates me for leaving her, for showing up when her mother died to hold her, but leaving and not coming back. And I’ve heard things, things I don’t want to hear. Things only Buffy can confirm. But I mean, how could it …

No it’s just not true.

She’s going to be angry if I, no when I see her. Or at least when she sees me. I guess I can’t blame her.


Her voice breaks me of my thoughts. It always could stop me cold, make my breathing ragged, well not that I breathe but you get the idea.

“Buffy.” I reply with relief.

And then it happens. She hits me and I hit the ground. I told you she’d be pissed.


We are in Sunnydale now. In a Hotel. Max is asleep but I can’t turn my brain off.

Sometimes I have that problem. The one where I just can’t stop the thoughts from coming it. The thoughts that put me in shitty moods.

You know the thoughts about the fact that I was not Max’s first. That He does have a child with another woman, aside from the fact that the child is in the child services system, or that Tess is dead.

It doesn’t matter. Those thoughts are still there. Eating away at me. I don’t doubt Max. But I am disappointed. How can I not be?
I can’t think about all that right now. Maybe one day we can find Max’s son and raise him, or let him know that his parents love him. I don’t know.

The future for me used to be entirely planned out, completely and totally. And Now I’m on the run, no Harvard. Only one of my dreams has come true. Being Liz Parker Evans. Despite the fact that to the world I am Donna Lawson, I know who I am. And I am his.

And now I have these dreams. This girl, well woman I guess is talking to me. Telling me that she’ll teach me. That it will be okay, but it’s hard to believe her. How can it be ok when I face such danger.

Then I wonder why it’s so hard to believe. I mean I’m married to an Alien, whats harder to believe than that?

And I’m stronger, I think faster, and it’s scary, cause my powers have magnified as well. And they’ve grown. I’ve taken on all of Max’s powers. We think that might have to do with the “mating” but who knows. It also seems like I’ve got Tess’s powers as well. I’ve mindwarped Max without knowning before. And the werid part is, the part I’ve told no one. Is that I felt Tess die. Not in that agonizing painful way of my flesh burning.

But like when I knew Max had died, I knew Tess had died. And I felt her with me. Giving me a gift. If you can call it that. I actually think she chose to give me her powers. I know it sounds crazy. But its just what I believe.

And now this “Slayer” stuff. I don’t know what it’s about. But something tells me it won’t take long to find out. I can feel the negative energy in this place. Both Maria and Kyle say the same thing. I don’t know.


My brain is on fire, or my scenes, or my heart. Some awareness is over me. It’s familiar, but not. Like a food I haven’t had since high school. Lame analogy I know but I don’t know how else to describe it.

And I crave it, this feeling whatever it is.

I’m patrolling. Oh goody. How Sunnydale never changes.

But I stop when I find a familiar spot. It’s almost fitting where my grave was put. Next to the tree where they originally buried the master. Willow said she almost took out a loan to buy a new plot, so I didn’t have to be near the corrupted soil, but in my will I wanted to buried next to my mother.

Little did I think, that her spot was near that same tree. You know what they say about hindsite.

I need a good fight, all this nervous energy building in me like a fire ready to explode into huge flames.

“I touch the fire and it freezes me …”

I still can’t get those stupid catchy numbers from our time in broadway out of my head. I find myself singing in the shower. Which kinda scares me considering the whole ordeal.

But whatever.

And then it hits me. The familiar feeling.

I become alert and search the shadows.


He’s here. Oh God he’s here.


And before I know it my fist is connecting with his jaw and he’s hit the ground. I want to comfort him, but I can’t bring myself to do it. I’m bitter. I’ve tried to blame him for everything that’s happened. And when he wasn’t here, looking at me with those eyes, it was easy to blame him.

For leaving, for just leaving, for my mom, my death, dawn, riley, spike. I could blame it all on him. If only he didn’t look at me like that.

“Nice to see you too.” He says with a smirk.

God that smirk. I want to punch him again.

“What do you want?” I’m expecting the usual Angel warnings of danger. But his answer shocks me to the bone. And I have no idea how to respond.

My head snaps up looking for a hint of Angelous, of the demon that caused me so much pain. But instead I’m faced with the sincerity I’ve always found in his eyes.

And I do the only thing I can think of. Punch him and run away.

Real Brave eh?

Yeah well.

posted on 25-Jun-2002 1:22:01 PM by Jiggers
Part 4~~~~~~~~
Well that was unexpected. Buffy never runs away. Never. Which of course doesn’t boost my confidence at all.

I actually expected her to hit me the first time. It’s just a Buffy thing to do.

And I’ve hurt her, so many times. I wish I could tell her why, and justify myself. Make her see that everything I’ve ever done has been for her. Cause it was all for her. Everything has been for her.

Once Cordy told me that I was destined to be tragic, and so was Buffy. Sunnydale’s own star-crossed lovers. I can’t say I disagree. A Vampire with a Soul in love with a Slayer. And the Soul is taken from him if he experiences true happiness, which he can only have with her.

See Darla thought that it was the sex, which I guess everyone did. The pseudo-euphoria of an orgasm. But it’s untrue. Of course I had no prior experience to base it on. Buffy was the first in my world with a soul.

It wasn’t about the sex, not at all. It was about her. Her love for me and mine for her. In that moment when she gave herself to me, it was pure ecstasy. Which of course meant “bye, bye” to Angel and “hello” Angelus.

I hate what I’ve done. It’s part of the punishment, with a soul I can regret my past, it hurts me, what I did to innocent people. Not to mention to the one person in the world that meant more to me than anything else.

So I only do what I can. I wander. I can’t go to Buffy’s she has to get used to me being here. Cause though I might leave. I’m not leaving until I tell her.

So I end up at a hotel. Check in and wait to sleep the day away.
I do have a strange feeling though. And my cell phone rings. Dammit I didn’t realize I’d brought it.

“Yeah?” I answer with edge in my voice.

“Angel? Where are you?” It’s Gunn.

“Sunnydale. I left a note.” I just want to retreat into my mind and figure out what I’m gonna say to Buffy.

“Cordy is gone. She’s …”

“A higher being now. I know.” I don’t mean to sound like I don’t care. Because I do. Cordy is something I will always care about.

“Angel. There is something else.”

OK I don’t like that tone.

“Wesley got a call. You remember that rouge Slayer?”

Of course I remember Faith. Buffy hated me for helping her.

“Faith? Did she escape?” I thought she was reformed, willing to pay her debt to ‘society’.

“She was killed Angel.”

Wow I wasn’t expecting that. How could she of died?


“Supposedly a jail fight. But Wesley said the council doesn’t buy it.”

“I wouldn’t either. Some punk in jail shouldn’t be able to take on a Slayer.”

“Yeah so Wesley wanted me to call you.”

“Thank Gunn. That means we should be expecting a new Slayer soon. They all end up here.”

I finish up asking about Fred and everything, almost feeling bad about leaving without saying goodbye.

So we get off the phone and I decide to sleep. Or to try to.


I’m always safe in his arms. Always. He’s everything. I know that sounds so like a puppy in love. But oh well. It’s me.

It’s strange though sometimes. I’m married. Me Liz Parker, smallest of small town girls is married. To an Alien King no less. Max has told me that I’m his queen. And I guess I like that. But the responsibility is scary.

I know it seems like I’m getting ahead of myself, we aren’t on Antar. Who knows if I’d even be able to survive there, but its one of those things I can’t help but think about.

I feel Max stir.

“Hey.” He says softly.

I smile at him and kiss him. God I love him so much. I know I should be scared right now. Scared of my dreams, of the government, of losing him now that I have him. But looking into his eyes. I just can’t be scared. I’m happy.

So happy, content just laying in his arms. No boundaries, nothing between us except the hotel sheets. I fall into his eyes like I always do and he is mine. Mine!

Its so hard to believe. You’d think I’d gotten used to it by now. But he’s really mine. Not in that get your hands off my boyfriend way. No, in that he’s pledged his heart, mind, body and soul to me.

Soon I’m lost in him, his touch, his kisses, and it’s wonderful. It’s always wonderful.

Later we wake up and decide to take a walk. I hadn’t even realized we’d slept through the day.

So we just walk, in that comfortable silence. But I start getting the strangest feeling. Like danger is watching us.

And suddenly my reflexes kick in as this monster comes at me and Max. Without thinking I go into action. I push Max to the ground and start fighting this thing.

My mind wasn’t processing what was going on, my body was just reacting.

Then I see her. The girl from my dreams. Blonde, agile. She swoops in and yells at me to grab the thing and hold it. So I do. She plunges a wooden stake into the things chest and it turns to dust.

I think I’m going to pass out.

“um.” It’s all I can say. Max is quickly by my side looking as shocked as I feel. We both regard the girl with suspicion. Max got flashes of my dreams so I’m sure he recognizes her as well.

“So you are the rookie?” She says.

“Um. Who are you?”

“Buffy the Vampire Slayer.”

Oh God!


I spent all day thinking about Angel. Well the parts of it that I was up. I had to get to sleep, cause once I got back from patrolling I couldn’t sleep.

I ran away. Me Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Ran away from Angel.

Angel who holds my heart in the palm of his hands. Damn those Vampires. Why can’t they just leave me alone. I’m sure your laughing, how can a Vampire slayer wanting Vampires to leave her alone.

I guess I could remedy that and say all the Vampires that claim to be in love with me, They can leave me alone.

He said he was here for me? Why? Hasn’t he killed my soul enough, by leaving. He expects me just to let him back in.

I wonder if he knows about Spike. If he knows that I slept with Spike. He can’t. I don’t think he’d look at me the same way if he knew. But I’m not ashamed. Not really. I was, scared, but now I know it’s just what I needed. I know that sounds selfish and stupid but oh well. It’s the truth.

Dawn was giving me strange looks all day. I think she’s worried about the new Slayer. I actually haven’t given much thought to it.

I mean, I’ve dealt with new slayer’s before. I still wonder what really happened to Faith. I find myself mourning for her. I guess things do change.

But my mind won’t stray from Angel. Damn him.

Before I know it, it’s patrol time again. Time to make the rounds around the hellmouth.

I stake a Vamp or two before I hear a scuffle. I can’t keep myself from just watching for a moment.

A young girl no older that 18 with dark hair and dark eyes pushes the guy who was holding her hand down. I can tell she’s running on pure instinct. But she has no weapons. Is that her?

I watch and her style is sloppy but effective. Eventually I can tell that she needs wood, but she obviously doesn’t know that so I run in a yell at her to grab him. And I stake him.

She mumbles and I can’t help but me amused. She has no idea. Reminds me of myself.

“Who are you?” She asks.

The guy with her walks up to her. I’m not paying much attention to him though.

“Buffy the Vampire Slayer.”

She’s shocked. They both are.

It’s then that I look at the guy. Oh my GOD!

“Ford?” I look at him and he’s confused.



“I’m Max … erh … George.”

Ok now I’m confused. This guy is a dead ringer for my old “friend” Ford. See he came to Sunnydale my what was it, Junior year. Told me he knew I was the slayer and all. But he was planning on trading me for immortality. Of course obviously that didn’t work. I got out. He was the only one left with a bomb shelter full of angry Vamps.

The thing about Ford was he tried to get me to feel sorry for him. See Ford had Cancer, hence him wanting to be a vampire. He tried, and yeah I did feel sorry for him. But I couldn’t save him. There is always someone I can’t save.

And now this guy, with two names? He’s Ford I swear.

“Ok, I’m trying not to blackout here. Who are you?” The girl speaks up again.

“Buffy. The Slayer. Like you.” I swear here eyes glaze over.

Ok this isn’t gonna be easy.

“Who are you?” I ask her.

“Liz.” The guy next to her nudges her.

“Max, it’s her. From my dream. No need to hide.”

Ok now I’m confused.

They work in sync with each other. It’s really cool just watching them have a conversation without words.

“Ok. So I guess I’m stuck with the duty of filling you in.”

Max looks at me. I swear he’s Ford. But I guess we’ll deal with that later.

What? Why is he looking at me like that?

“You have secrets.” He says to me. No shit Sherlock.

“So do you.” I reply back.

“No secrets. I can’t stand that anymore.” Liz says.

“Buffy. Please explain this all to me.”

I weigh my options. Willow is still freaked. Xander has moved in to sleep on the couch, since Anya basically said she couldn’t deal with him. Dawn is good, but I don’t think it would be good to pull the New Slayer into my mess of a life without warning.

“My house is out, unless your ready for 50 questions?”

“We can go back to the Hotel. But Our friends are there. We’ll keep the attack dogs away.”

So we head to the Sunny Inn.

This should be interesting.
posted on 27-Jun-2002 6:36:54 PM by Jiggers
Dia - Yeah I just couldn't resist doing the ford connection. But there will actually be a very good explination for that. Fairly easy to figure out if you ask me, but I'm not sure if we're gonna get into in this next part which I'm tweaking right now. It just depends.

but the ford issue is going to be half of the reason why liz and Max tell the scooby gain all of thier secrets
posted on 27-Jun-2002 7:52:28 PM by Jiggers
This is probably the longest part I've written. I just all cam out ... lol ... I hope it's not confusing. Angel's part is small ... but I needed to get to the conversation with B/M/L

I hope you all enjoy ...

~~Part 5 ~~~

I have this really odd feeling. It’s like an awareness of change. I wish I could explain it better than that but I can’t.

It’s like someone just beyond my reach; their life is changing forever. Maybe it’s the new slayer. I don’t know. I don’t understand this feeling.

But I can also feel Buffy. She’s close; So close. She must be here for a reason, it can’t be to see me. I don’t think she’s ready for that yet. Besides there is no way for her to know where I am. I guess I could have gone back to the mansion. But who knows what’s happened to that place since I left.

But having Buffy so near, it’s affecting me again. She always affects me. I used to try to deny it, but it’s no use.

God she’s still so beautiful. But her eyes are different. She seems so much older now. I mean I realize we were together when she was only 16-18, but still she seems so much older than 23 now. So much older.

And she doesn’t look as lost as she did when I saw her last. But she still looks lost. And I hate that she’s lost. I want to help her find herself again.

I’m just so afraid she won’t let me.

Afraid that she will shut down and shut me out.

Because I know I’ve shut her out so much.

My dreams were filled of a time that no one else remembers. When Buffy was in my arms, completely mine, planning our lives in her head. She never told me, but I knew she was.

She never had to hide from me. She knew that and she loved me for it.

God, she’s my everything. I don’t know how I’ve been able to stay away from her so long. But even those times when I wanted to come running to Sunnydale I knew I shouldn’t Buffy was going through something that she needed. Which I can only guess.

Somehow I know I won’t like it. But it’s Buffy. Why did I give up my mortality for her?

It was Buffy.


I’m sitting here. Looking at Buffy. She can’t be older than 24 but her eyes show that she’s been through a lot. I find myself wondering her story.

And why did she call Max, Ford? That I’m entirely clueless on. But I figure we’ll get the answers soon enough.

She’s sitting in the hotel chair. Max is pacing the floor and I’m just sitting on the bed.

We managed to evade our friends when we came in. I don’t think I handle the questions yet, not when I have so many of my own.

Buffy is just studying me, it’s kind of unnerving.

“Ok. I can’t take this.” I say finally.

She looks at me.

“What do you want to know?” she asks. As if she doesn’t already know the answer.


“Ok. Well. Vampires, Demon’s, good and evil, hell, all that is real. I’m a Vampire Slayer, but I deal with demon’s as well. There is one girl born in every generation. To fight against the Vampires. With more strength, flexibility, cunning, healing abilities, instincts the whole package. Your born with it. But it does become active until you’re called.”

I’m trying to let it all sink in.

“So if there is only one. And you’re a slayer, then how can I be a slayer?”

She smiles.

“Well that’s the tricky part. See during my sophomore year in high school I died. I was called when I was 15. But anyways I was up against the extremely bad vamp and I drowned. But technically I was dead. My friend Xander brought me back. But when one slayer dies the next is called.”

“Wait. But that was what 7 years ago. I’ve just been called. And you were 15?”

I still amuse her. My mind is so scientific. I think Max would smile at me if he weren’t so afraid.

“Yeah. See the next Slayer was Kendra. She came into town, tried to kill me actually.”

She’s smiling at the memory, of someone trying to kill her? I’m so confused.


“Well see this is even more confusing. But here goes. Back then I was in love, I guess I still am. With a guy named Angel. Only he was a Vampire.”

I want to interrupt but obviously there is more to this story.

“Angel, formerly Angelus was the worst Vampire in the History of Vampires. But he killed a gypsy girl and they cursed him. The curse gave him back his soul, so he had to live with everything he’d done the previous century. The only way the curse would be broken was if he experienced a moment of true happiness, which did happen. The first time, only time we made love. So When Kendra saw me kissing him she thought I was a Vampire as well. But eventually we got it all figured out.”

Wow, if she had told that to anyone else I think they would have laughed in her face. But I look at Max whose now sitting beside me rubbing my back, and I know she’s not lying.

“He turned evil?”

Her eyes looked sad.

“Yep. He said the only way to kill a Slayer was to love her, so that was his plan. However he tried to end the world, but I killed him, of course he got his soul back, my friend willow cursed him again, right before I had to kill him. And he was sent to Hell. Eventually The Powers That Be brought him back. Everyone hated him, they didn’t know the curse had worked. And Angelus had tortured my watcher and my friends. So none of them trusted him.”

“What happened?” I couldn’t help but be drawn into this love affair. The tragedy of it reminded me of Max and Myself. Back when I thought the world would end.

“He stole my heart again. We were together for a while. I loved him so much. But he left. He went to LA. He actually showed up the same time you did. He’s here.”

I can see the faraway look in her eyes.

“So back to the Kendra thing. Drucilla, this insane Vamp killed Kendra right around the time when I killed Angelus, that night actually. So after the summer Faith showed up.”

“A new Slayer. What happened to her?”

I don’t like this whole slayers dying. How many died before it got to me? I’m going to die.

“Well, Faith was the resident Bad girl. But she was fighting with me, then we were patrolling one night and she killed a man, she thought he was a Vamp, and it was an accident. But things got bad after that. She basically went crazy and started working for the Major who was an immortal dude set on bringing on the apocalypse. Same story different verse. She did everything she could to hurt me, tried to turn Angel back. Everything. She poisoned him, and the only cure was for him to drain the blood of a slayer.”

She unconsciously lifts her hand to her neck and I can faintly make out the scars. Oh lord.

“So I went after her, She was going to cure him. I stabbed her, but she got away. Ended up in a Coma. So I made Angel drain me. Afterwards he left. Once we killed the mayor he just left.”

I don’t think she’s thought about all this in a long time. Max has now moved up to the headboard and pulled me back against his chest. He’s scared. I can tell. But I have to know the rest.

“Eventually I moved on. Had a guy. Riley. Was working for the government to rid the world of demons.”

I feel Max stiffen behind me at the mention of the government. I just squeeze his hand which is resting on my stomach.

“Faith came out of her coma a while later. I was already in college. She somehow used this I dunno artifact to switch our bodies. So I was stuck in her and she paraded around as me. And Riley didn’t even know.”

I scene a bit of bitterness in her voice.

“So Faith ran, she was wanted, by the police, the watchers council. She ran to Angel. And I ran after her. He defended her. She was everything I hated about being a Slayer and he defended her. But I guess it was a good thing. He got her to turn herself in. She’s been in prison since then.”

“But why was I called.”

“She’s dead.” The tone she used unnerved me. Like I was going to have to get used to people dying. I can’t shake the thoughts of Alex and I shudder involuntarily. Max places a kiss on the top of my head.

Buffy is watching us.

“So I have to Slay Vampires?”

“Yeah unfortunately it’s a no choice this is your destiny type deal.”

“Fuck destiny.” I say without thinking.

Both Max and Buffy look at me surprised.

“I hate that word.” I say sighing.

“Me too baby.” Max says into my hair. I thought we’d outrun destiny. Max’s is no longer an issue. Now mine, I can’t let it tear us apart.

“So now that you know most of my life story. What’s your deal?”

I look at Max, wanting to share everything. He nods, I know it’s hard for him.

“First. That guy with the government. Is he still around?”

“Riley. No, he left, cause I couldn’t feel anymore.”

So I take a deep breath.


Wow. I haven’t sat down and thought about all that stuff in years. It reminds me how much I miss Angel. But I curse myself I don’t want to miss him.

Liz takes a deep breath. I can tell she’s nervous. I wonder what their deal is.

“Right now. I want this to stay between us. I know you’ve mentioned friends. But this is huge, I’m basically handing you my life, and the life of everyone I love here.”

OK wow, she’s looking at me intently. She’s afraid. The guy is too. He’s not looking at me. He’s scared.

“Your secrets are yours to tell.”

I see her sigh in relief.

“I guess I should start at the beginning. When I was a sophomore … “

I listen as she tells me her story, and the story of the guy beside her. If I weren’t a Vampire Slayer I don’t think I’d believe it. Aliens? An Alien King? Wow I thought my stuff was hard to believe. Their story is tragic, like mine and Angel’s.

The girl Tess reminds me of Faith, in a way. Liz explains that their friends are aliens too. Well two of them are. And she’s kind of a mix, because of being healed by Max.

He loves her. That is plan enough. When she gets near the end of their story, she has a hard time going into it. How Max slept with Tess. Had a baby. How Tess came back. She was in tears when it was over, and he looked so ashamed.

“But we had to leave after graduation, they were going to kill us. So we left. Me, Max, Isabel, Michael, Kyle and Maria. Isabel left her husband behind. We left our lives behind. We have false identities. The only good thing is that Max and I are married.”

Wow wasn’t expecting that. They can’t be more than 18.

“Wow.” I don’t know what else to say. No wonder they both look so scared. And now Liz has this slayer shit to deal with.

“I’m sorry.” I say without thinking.

“Why?” she asks, now calm.

“That you’re the rookie, you’ve been through enough.”

“You have too.” She says. If she only knew.

“More than you know.” I respond.

“Maybe sometime you’ll tell me?” She asks. She is really hard not to like.

“You bet. But for now I’m thinking I should get home. My sister Dawn likes to worry. And I’ll have to tell them about you. Not your secret. But just so you know. Max looks like my old friend Ford.”

I can tell she’s thinking this through.

“Ah. I bet he’s related to one of Max’s dna donors. I guess just tell him he’s ford’s brother? I don’t know.”

“I’ll figure something out. But You can trust my friends. I’d be lost without them.”

She smiles at me.

“I know what you mean.”

I go to open the door and a group of people push me back into the room.

A tall scruffy looking guy glares at me.

“Who are you?” he says menacingly.

“Michael Back off.” Max states matter-of-factly. Wow. True leader shows through.

“Who is she Max?” the tall blonde asks.

Liz sighs.

“This would be the girl from my dreams. Buffy. She’s a Vampire Slayer and she’s going to help me to become the best Slayer I can be. Buffy this is Michael, Isabel, Kyle and Maria.”

Wow she’s taking this better than I thought.

They start asking her a dozen questions.

“Listen. Buffy has to go, and Max and I are tired. We’ll tell you all tomorrow now LEAVE!”

I smile at her, she’s a queen alright, with her King protectively by her side.

Watching them makes my heart ache for Angel. But I don’t want to ache for him dammit. I want to hate him.

They all file out of the room.

“I’ll come by tomorrow around lunch. Take you to the Magic shop and do the intro’s. But just so you know my friends will most likely react the same way … considering how many people are with you. There will be questions.”

“And we’ll figure out a way to answer them.” Max says finally.

They close the door behind me. And I can hear Liz crying, guess she didn’t take it as well as I thought. I wish I could take the burden from her. I wish …

Dreams came true.

posted on 11-Jul-2002 10:25:12 AM by Jiggers
Ok I'm back from my trip to roswell ...

hope to have some parts up soon *happy*

hope being the operative word here ... ok ... I start work tommorrow ... :(
posted on 31-Jul-2002 11:54:02 AM by Jiggers
It's been a month ... can you guys ever forgive me???

I'm sorry just been ... dealing and healing ... but today my muse is screaming at me ... I already updated one story so I'm on a roll ... lets see how many more I can update before 12 ... *happy* which is when I get off work ... I have an hour ... we shall see if I can be productive or not ... *happy*

Anyways thanks to my loyal readers Bricks & Drea


Why am I suddenly so aware of Buffy?

I mean I’ve always been able to read her, but now it’s like I can feel her. She was just reliving the past. How I know that I don’t know. But I do.

She found the new Slayer. Again I have no idea how I know that, but I do. Maybe Cordy gave me more than just my soul to keep.

I wish I had an explanation.

I’m going to go talk to Giles tomorrow night.

I’ve been having dreams. Dreams where Buffy was, with Spike. Some how, I know it’s true.

But I have to have it confirmed. I can’t ask her, but I will if I have to.

Is this was Cordellia was talking about? Buffy made a mistake? By being with Spike?

I know I should be angry, I should be out for blood. Ready to just scream at her. But I can’t I love her. If … god If Spike helped her … then I’m glad he could help.

It’s so hard imagining her with him, jealousy flows through me, he could be with her without worrying about losing his soul.

But wait, Spike never had a soul.

God this is so confusing. All I know is that I love her. And I’m not going to just give up on her because of a mistake she made, or because she moved on. Because I’ve made plenty of mistakes in my 250 years; leaving her being one of them. Loving her, will always be my greatest ally.


It’s the morning after Buffy left. Max and I are just sitting here watching TV. As if nothing that is happening around us is really happening.

We are pretending that we are a normal married couple away for the weekend.

“Liz?” He asks carefully.

“I’m ok. Overwhelmed but ok.” I smile.

I’m being honest. I really am ok. I was up thinking all night, and I know, learned that you can run from Destiny. Obviously we do make our own destiny, because in the other timeline I wasn’t called. Destiny changes to accommodate its children.

Yeah how clichéd I’m Destiny’s Child.

I can’t help but laugh at that thought. Thinking of the pop band, who get on my last nerve.

I smile at Max and give him a soft kiss.

The door opens and the rest of the group come in.

“Michael, try knocking next time.” Max says annoyed.

“Whatever. We want to know who that girl was.” Michael says just as irate as ever.

“I told you last night. Buffy. She’s a Vampire Slayer. I am too, the other one died and I was called, that’s what the dreams are about. That’s why I’m stronger and I think it even has to do with my powers changing.” I say calmly.

“Vampires … Liz, come on?” Isabel says with humor.

“Isabel think about this for a second. You are and Alien. I am married to your brother who is also an Alien. Who once came back in time using the Granilith. And your telling me it’s too hard to believe that Vampires, Witches & Demons exist?” I’m amused. Can you tell?

“Good point.” Kyle says while sitting in the chair across the room.

“Guys this is serious. I need to discuss some things with you.” I say carefully.

“Ok” Maria says worriedly, while settling in Michael’s lap. I guess that answers that question.

“I have to stay here. It’s this Destiny shit again. But I can’t run from it. I … I want you all to stay with me, but I’d understand if you want to keep running.” I look at Max. “You too. If you don’t feel safe you should leave.”

He pulls me too him. “I’d never leave you.” He says in my ear.

“Buffy knows. I had to tell her, she has a lot of secrets of her own. But she swore she wouldn’t tell her friends, that’s up to us. She’s coming by in a few minutes to introduce us. But she did warn us that Max looks exactly like her old friend Ford, and her friends knew him, and he tried to sell her out, so she’s going to make something up. But I figure he was related to Max’s donor.”

They are all silent.

“I’m not leaving you Liz.” Maria says. Michael, Kyle and Isabel all nod in agreement.

“Thank you.” I say sincerely.

Now we just wait for Buffy to show up. I have a feeling this is going to be an interesting day.


“Yes Dawn you get to meet her, and her friends. But I do have to go get them.” I sigh at my little sister.

“Can I come? Please?” I would let her, but I have to fill them in on what I told my gang about Max looking like Ford.

“Won’t be enough room, she’s got 5 other people with her.” I say giving a decent excuse.

“Come on Dawnie, I’ll take you and Will to the Magic Shop, Buff will be there soon.” I send Xander and appreciative glance.

So I set out back towards the Sunny Inn. This sounds crazy, but I can feel Angel. I can feel him getting closer as I drive. I was vaguely aware of him last night, but I was so into what was going on I didn’t give it a second thought.

But I can feel him.

I shake the thoughts out of my head and get out of the car.

I knock on the door and the short blonde opens the door. Before I know it she pulls me into a hug.

“You keep my best friend safe!” She says fiercely. I like this girl already.

“Sorry I’m Maria.” She smiles.

They make their intro’s.

“My sister wanted to come with me, but I had to tell you the cover I came up with for Max. Pretty simple, younger brother. They asked why I hadn’t mentioned him before and I said that I wasn’t good friends with him at the time. So if they say anything about Ford just kinda close off, like you don’t want to talk about your brother. I’ll fill you in on anything else. I’m guessing you guys want to use your secret identies here?”

Liz looks bad. “I hate those things. But we’ve talked we’re all going to stay. I figure we can falsefy some documents, get jobs find a house, we’re all pretty comfortable living together.” She says.

Wow another Scooby gang. This should be interesting.

“Sounds like a plan. Will is a master on the computer she can help out with anything technical. But you would have to tell her.” I say.

“We’re not sure who we’re going to tell first. We want to meet your friends.” Max says solemly.

“Totally understandable. But let’s get going, Dawn is going to have a cow.”

We pile in the SUV and head to the magic shop.

Everyone is there, Well not Angel. But it’s not like I expect him to walk out side to come here. I wouldn’t want him to either.

Last night I did a lot of thinking. I have to face him. I have to tell him. But for now I need to deal with Liz.

“Hey guys.” I say happily as we all walk into the Magic Shop.

Maria gasps and looks around, she seems fascinated by everything in the shop.

“Ok. This is Xander, Willow, Dawn, Anya, and Giles.” I say to the pod squad. I came up with that cute nickname myself. “And this is Liz and her husband Max, his sister Isabel, Kyle, Michael and Maria.” I tell the scooby’s.

They all say hello and polite conversation ensues. Maria is asking Willow all about Wicca and Will is actually smiling; she hasn’t felt useful in days. She’s backed off the magic, but now that it’s such a part of her, she’s not able to completely rid it from her system. So she’s being carefull, and with the help of Giles and Anya she’s doing pretty good.

Xander and Kyle are talking, Michael and Anya are talking. Giles is questioning Liz and Max, and Dawn is chatting it up with Isabel.

This could be a good thing. I like.

We all start talking just getting to know each other and I’m able to just relax for once in a long time. But something’s coming. Something New and Different, but old and Familiar. I’m not sure what that means, but … We’ll figure it out.

“Guys. I have somewhere I need to go. I’ll be back at nightfall, will probably have Angel with me.” I tell them.

They all look on in surprise but my friends don’t question. Xander is glaring, but I don’t care.

I have to see Angel. I have to talk to him.

So I drive back to the Sunny Inn, and end up infront of a door. He opens it without me having to knock.


“Hi. I had to see you.” I say, dammit why am I shaking. I feel everything he’s feeling, and it’s consuming me.

“Do you feel that Angel?” I ask.

“Yes. Your confused.” He says quietly.

We go over and sit on his bed. And begin talking. I tell him about everything, Parker, Riley, Willow, Anya & Xander, Giles, I even tell him about Spike. He’s not angry with me.

And then he begins to tell me about his life since he left.

posted on 31-Jul-2002 10:19:02 PM by Jiggers
just a lil shameless bump since no one seems to have noticed I updated and it's on page 7
posted on 1-Aug-2002 3:00:26 PM by Jiggers
MJ ... I just love you *happy*
posted on 2-Sep-2002 10:11:20 PM by Jiggers
I was surprised when I felt Buffy nearing me. Very surprised.

I just knew she was standing outside the door when I opened it.

She came in and just spilled everything that had happened to her since I’d left, some things I knew, something’s I kind of wish I didn’t know. Her relationship with Riley.

Spike, She did sleep with him. More than once apparently. And as much as that hurts, I can’t be angry with her, I just can’t.

I know I’ve turned into a sappy Vampire, but I just don’t give a damn about that anymore.

So I told her. I told her everything. I told her about her mother talking to me, about how much what the Mayor said really affected me. How much I always wanted to protect her.

I could tell she wanted to say something, but she didn’t.

And then I got up to the part in the story when Faith came to me for help.

“Angel, Why did you help her? After everything she tried to do to us, to you?”

“I knew what it was like to be so lost, and no one there to help, to feel the guilt, to sway between the dark and the light.”

Her eyes bore holes into mine.

“When I came to see you, She had taken over my body Angel.”

She has told me this before. I just nod trying to understand.

“I was angry, and then you were helping. The one person in the world that I always …”

“Buffy I need to tell you something.” I interrupt her.

She looks at me expectantly.

“That day that you came after Faith. Buffy that day was the best day of my life.”

I can tell she’s horrified, confused.

“What Angel? IS that some form of a sick joke?”

“No Buffy let me explain. Do you remember that Demon? That attacked us that day. God I never thought I’d ever have to tell someone this. We lived that Day twice Buffy.”

“I don’t understand.” She’s closing off I can tell, Dammit!

“Buffy we killed the demon, it’s blood mixed with mine. I became Human again Buffy. I walked in the day, We sat on the beach watching the tide roll in, we made love all night long and made plans … “

I take a deep breath.

“Angel I still don’t understand.”

“The powers that be, they took that Day back from us.” I say softly.

“Why?” She asks carefully.

“I asked them to.” I hang my head.

“Why would you do that? Angel Dammit! Tell me your lying that this is just a stupid ploy to make me feel sorry for you!?!?!”

“Because later we were fighting, and I couldn’t help, I couldn’t protect you, All I could do was stand by and let them come after me, and You almost died trying to make sure I didn’t get hurt. I couldn’t allow that to happen.”

“So you made the decision for me?” She’s searching my eyes, hoping that I am actually lying.

I turn my head, knowing that this was coming. I just nod.

“Damn you Angel.” She says and slaps me across the face.


“So Maria. What’s your niche?” Willow, Maria and I are sitting at the table in the Magic shop.

Max, Michael and Kyle have gone house hunting with Xander and Anya. Isabel is out shopping with Dawn. And Buffy is still gone.

“Maria here is the most talented Musician I’ve ever met.” I say while nudging my best friend.

“You sing? Hey Giles, Maria is a singer too.” Willow calls out to Giles who’s shelving books upstairs.

He looks down, “Well, Yes that’s nice, we will have to play together sometime.”

Maria just smiles and Willow laughs.

“So Liz. Married?” Willow asks me.

I laugh, “Yeah.”

“I can’t imagine being married now, let alone at 18.” She says wistfully. I can tell she’s thinking about someone.

“I don’t know. I guess we were just tired of waiting, of playing it safe, life is too short.” I cringe at those words and I notice Willow tense up as well.

“Willow, Are you ok?” Maria asks her carefully.

“Yeah I just. I lost my girlfriend Tara. I loved her so much and now she’s gone.”

Wow. Wait a minute, Her girlfriend Tara? Didn’t see that one coming.

“Oh Willow I’m so sorry.” Maria says. I just squeeze Willow’s hand lightly.

“We lost our best friend Alex our junior year. It was hard. I can’t even imagine what it must be like.”

Willow nods and Wipes her eyes.

The bell above the door rings and Max walks in, followed by the rest of the others. I of course barely notice the bickering between Anya and Xander. Or the Grumbling coming from Michael, or even Kyle telling Xander to calm down and find Buddha. I can only see the amber depths of my love.

He walks straight over to me, pulling me into his arms, and kissing the crown of my head lightly. He sits down in my seat and pulls me back into his lap casually. It’s then I notice Willow staring at us.

“What?” I ask her leaning back on Max’s firm chest.

“You guys are just …”

“Sickening.” Kyle chimes in while pulling up a chair.

“Don’t mind Kyle He’s just pissed cause Max got Liz and he didn’t.” Michael retorts.

“Ok hold on. Explain that.”

I laugh as Kyle, Michael and Maria relay the story of my relationship with Kyle leading to Max, of course they leave out all the alien related stuff. We all haven’t discussed telling them yet, but I think we can trust them.

“Liz?” I look up and see Giles standing there.


“I think we should begin on your training. I was going to wait for Buffy, but She may be a while.” He says nervously while cleaning his glasses.

“Wait training?” Max asks concerned.

“Yes, She has the strength and Buffy commented that she definitely has the potential. But this is a dangerous business, she needs to be able to defend herself properly.”

I look at Max. “I’ll be fine.” I get up from his lap and follow Giles in the back room. Luckily I had been smart today and worn some jogging pants and a tank top.

This was definitely going to be a long day.


“Buffy?” he pleads as I begin to walk away.

“I can’t believe you. How could you make those decisions for me? How could you Angel? Did you never think about what I wanted? You always take everything on your own shoulders like these decisions don’t affect me.”

“Buffy. I’m not sure you understand. I couldn’t have you watching out for me every second. And getting yourself killed!” He raises his voice a little.

“So why not tell me sooner? Why couldn’t you have come back?” I ask him.

“Because after that day, I couldn’t be with you and not be with you, not after feeling so alive. I couldn’t hurt you like Angelous had, I couldn’t let him come back, and I didn’t know if I could control myself after being able to remember what it felt like. I was barely able to do it the first time.”

He hangs his head.

“So why are you back now?”

He sighs. “Don’t tell me there is more?” I ask him.

So then he tells me, about Darla, his son, Fred, and Cordellia. CORDELLIA. I can’t believe it. I don’t want to believe it. And he had a child with Darla? Darla?

“Wait Angel. If You and Darla …” I shudder unable to complete that thought, “how come you are still you?”

“The curse was one moment of true happiness Buffy. Sex isn’t true happiness. Being with you. Having you love me so entirely to give yourself to me. And knowing that you excepted me just as I was, not in spite of who I was but because of who I was. That was true happiness. “

I’m close to tears. How can he turn me into mush like this.

“Buffy. I know I’ve made mistakes. I’ve listened to the wrong people. And not to myself. I’ve hurt you so many times and I hate myself for it. But I love you.”

“So why are you back? I thought you said you couldn’t be with me without being with me?”

“Cordellia had powers I told you about that?”

“Yeah from that Doyle guy.” I say noncommittally. The fact that he had/has feelings for Cordellia I just can’t fathom.

“Well She has gone through a lot, almost died because a human shouldn’t be able to have them. The powers that be … well she’s ascended. She’s a higher being now. She saved me. Connor my son believes I killed the man that raised him. So he looked me in this coffin and threw it into the river.

I was laying in my murky grave thinking about Cordy, about you and Connor when she came to me. Cordy saved him.”

Hearing him talk about her with that love in his voice is tearing my heart to pieces. I’m not suppose to feel like this.

“Then she showed me you, and how I had something to live for. She gave me my soul Buffy. No curse, no possibility of loosing it.”

OK I wasn’t expecting that.

“What?” I gulp.

“I am here for good. At least that’s what she told me. I saw your face as clear as day in my head and she told me I needed to live, that you needed me, and that she knew that she held a place in my heart but you always had and will have the key.”

Cordy? Said that?

“And she’s right Buffy. You are it. It. My reason for being here. To be with you, to help you to love you. And I understand if you don’t want the same from me. But I’m not leaving. “

“Angel … So much has happened?”

“I know.”

He looks down at the floor.

“I still Love you Angel, I never stopped. But I can’t just jump in where we left off. I can’t. “

“I understand that.” He says still looking at the floor.

“I guess we play it by ear. Even if I can’t be with you, if I can’t handle it. I will always want you in my life.”

I touch my palm to his cool skin and give him a simple kiss.

“Now you need to come back with me and meet the new Slayer and her posse’ “ I smile and grab his hand. Luckily We’ve been talking long enough for the sun to go down.

So we walk slowly back to the magic shop, neither of us talking. Just happy to be in his presence. I always know that I love Angel, he will be the only man that holds my heart in the palm of my hand. I loved Riley. But not like I love Angel.

We make it back to the Magic Shop and we walk in, I notice Dawn and Isabel aren’t there. Max, Michael, Maria, Willow and Xander are sitting at a table and Kyle is talking to Anya by the cash register.

“Where’s Liz?” I ask.

“Training with Giles, he didn’t know when you’d get back. Oh Hey Angel.” Willow says in a perky tone.

“Guys this is Angel, Angel this is Max, Michael, Maria, and Kyle.” They all wave then Angel and I head back to the training room.

I hear someone hit the wall and we walk in to see Giles breathing heavily.

“Buffy, Angel...” He says short of breath.

I notice Angel has stopped moving completely. And Liz is staring at him wide eyed, with a strange sort of realization in her eyes.

She walks over to him slowly and puts her hand on his arm. Both of them are silent, then Liz recoils back as if she were burned.

“Liam?” She says with Awe in her eyes.

“Elizabeth” Angel says to him.

Ok, What the hell? I’m confused.

posted on 3-Sep-2002 1:13:30 PM by Jiggers
this is mostly transitional. Hope you enjoy ... and just because drea was sooo patient with me I didn't even send this to MJ my fabulous Beta

Part 8

I looked at her and I could swear that had I been breathing I would have stopped. She was so beautiful.

“Liam?” She questions again.

“Beth …” I reply using her old nick name.

“Oh My God LIAM!” She runs and wraps her arms around me and I hug her back instinctively.

“Beth, I can’t believe it’s you. How? What?” So many thoughts are running through my head. She’s here. She’s really here.

I kiss her forehead. And hug her too me again.

“Liam, I think we have an audience.” She smiles.

God how I’ve missed that lovely smile.

I notice that the people I had been introduced to before were standing in the doorway looking at us with odd expressions. Dawn walks up with a tall blonde and just stops and looks at all of us.

“Angel. Why is everyone so quiet?” Dawn asks me.

“Angel?” Beth asks me softly.

“You’re Angel? Buffy’s Angel?” She looks at me almost afraid, I can’t tell which emotions are the hardest to deal with, anger, hurt, disappointment, betrayel.

“Liz?” The tall dark haired guy Max questions.

“Max, I … This is Liam.” She tells him.

He looks so scared, like I’m going to take her away from him in an instant. I wish I could explain but the shock of seeing her again.

I’m completely floored.


As soon as I saw him walk in my entire body ran cold. He looked so familiar.

So I walked up to him and touched him.


A young girl and boy holding hands. Running through the fields, laughing, carefree.


“Liam, be quiet or you’ll get us in trouble” Elizabeth says while giggling behind the pews in the church.

“Beth you worry too much.” Liam smiles back at her laughing.


Liam heartbroken standing over a newly dug grave.

Tears are falling down his face. He drops to the ground and sobs uncontrollably, until an older woman pulls him away.


We just stare at each other. I can’t believe it. Everything is so clear now. He’s here, in the flesh.

Suddenly everything I know about myself begins to get hazy.

I see a life I’ve lived before, a long time ago. With Liam/Angel there.

He’s the most precious person to me. How could my life be complete without him?

Max is standing there, as are the others just watching us.

I want to explain but I can’t even speak.

So much change so much hurt. How could he have done that?

My Liam – Evil?

What caused that in him?

I now feel like I’m three people. I’m Beth, Liz and Ava/Tess – I remember all those lives.

Which one am I living in now?

I turn to Max and look at him. He’s so confused. I wish I could explain.

I just can’t speak.

“Angel? What’s going on?” Buffy asks with a shaky voice.

“My Beth …” he starts and I can only smile.


Oh God this can’t be happening. I’m just letting Angel back in and now I find out that somehow he was in love with Liz.

The fates have something against me, they must. They want me to live in tragedy.

“My Beth …” Angel starts.

I can almost hear my heart breaking. And I see Max’s crestfallen face as well.

“My Beth, How is it possible that you are here?”

“It’s Liz, Liam and I honestly don’t know.”

“Angel not Liam.”

“Ok I’ve stayed quiet enough, someone want to explain what the hell is going on?” Maria chimes in. I can’t help but crack a smile at her.

“Before I became a vampire. I lost the one person in the world that meant more to me than anything.”

Oh God. I have to hold back these tears, don’t let him kill your soul again Buffy.

“And Liz is her?” Kyle asks confused.

I notice Xander is looking at me intently.

“Yes. Liz is my Beth.” Angel says softly.

Liz has tears in her eyes and I swear I see the love shinning in her eyes.

“Please continue.” Giles states matter-of-factly.

“My dear Beth died about 2 years before Darla sired me. After I lost her I didn’t want to live.”

Tears are shinning brightly in both of their eyes, and my heart is crumbling at each word.

“Liam …” Liz pleads.

“I hurt myself and killed my entire family. Our Family Beth.” He says solemnly.

Wait their Family? Oh God.

“My dear Beth.” Liz hugs him again.

I hear a strangled cry from behind me, “Liz?” It’s Max he looks about as scared and heartbroken as I feel.

“Max. I want you to meet My twin brother Liam.”

OK not at all what I expected. Chaos ensues around us, with everyone asking them questions.

Angel is looking at me. I can tell he now realizes what we thought and his eyes are so apologetic. I know I can’t live without him.

Liz gets everyone settled down as she and Angel begin to tell us what they know. This night is turning out to be longer than I expected.

posted on 29-Sep-2002 11:56:36 PM by Jiggers
They were all looking at us like we were under a microscope.

I was so happy about finding my sister that I didn’t think about how it looked to everyone else. I’m such an idiot. My entire soul belongs to Buffy, and I just don’t think about the fact that she wouldn’t know that Liz is my sister.

As soon as I looked up I could tell that she was heartbroken. I tried to tell her with my eyes, that I was sorry, and then Liz spilled the beans.

I swear a hush fell over the room for an instant, and the next thing I know we are all being bombarded by questions.

Liz calms everyone down and starts to tell them what she knows.

I’m not even paying attention. I’m watching Buffy.

She is listening, but she’s still looking at me.

Her face gives me hope, I have to hope because, I know I want to protect her always, and if she doesn’t want me, I can deal with it.

But Part of me will die again if she doesn’t want me. The look she gives me now, makes me smile.

I don’t know why but an image of Connor jumps into my mind. Him standing above me, looking at me with such hatred.

I’d almost forgotten about my son.

“Can … I need to use the phone.” I say quickly.

Liz stops talking and looks at me worriedly. Buffy nods and gets up, also looking at me with concern, but she leads me into the office. She turns to leave …

“Stay. I need to see if Connor is still around. I want to talk to him.”

She doesn’t say anything but she nods at me.

I quickly dial the number of the hotel and I hear his voice pick up the phone.

“Connor.” I say harder than I meant to.

“Angelus. I was told you escaped your grave.” His voice was so un-emotional.

“Connor, My name is Angel. You’re my son, I want to talk to you in person. And there are people I want you to meet. Have Gunn and Fred bring you to Sunnydale.” I know I sounded commanding, but I really didn’t know how else to sound.

“Angelus, you are nothing to me. My name is Steven, you killed my father. You are nothing.”

I hear Gunn yelling in the background.

“I what?”

“You killed him, drank his blood, trying to turn him into something like you. And tried to make me believe that he’d left. He would have never left me!” His voice grows.

“Connor, I didn’t kill Holt.”

“I saw the bite marks with his blood, the blood you drank.”

Buffy puts her hand on my arm.

“Connor, I didn’t kill him. He told me he was leaving. Saying he wanted you to be with me. I’m your father, I respected that Holt raised you, but you’re my son.”

“You are nothing to me.”

The line goes dead. I just stand there shocked. So that’s why he did it? He thought I killed Holt.

“I didn’t kill him.” I say dejectedly. Buffy takes the phone from my hand and places it on the cradle.

She puts her arms around me and for the first time since she left me, I cry.


“Ok, So you have a past life? Like Max and them do?” Maria looks at me quizzically.

It’d taken 30 minutes to get Willow, Xander, Anya, Dawn & Giles up to date on the alien part of our story. Max and the others allowed me to tell them.

“Yeah basically. I think I’m defiantly believing in past lives in general now.” I say joking.

“Ok, so 200 someide years ago you were Angel’s twin sister?” Giles looks at me as if I have another head.

“Yeah that’s what I’m saying.”

“How do you know it’s not like some trick or something.” Maria says eyeing the strangers suspiciously, that’s just Maria for you.

“I don’t know. But I remember that life. I remember every bit of it. It’s even odd that My name has been Elizabeth in two lifetimes at least.”

“Elizabeth means Queen.” Dawn perks up, “sorry, I read a lot.”

I smile at her. I look back towards where Buffy and Angel went. I’m worried about him.

Max puts his arms around my shoulder.

“There’s also something else I haven’t told you.” I’m saying this to everyone but I’m looking at Max.

“I felt Tess die. It was like she gave me her energy, her powers, her memories, well not her memories, but Ava’s memories and her knowledge. She spared me her exact memories.” I wince realizing what I’d said.

I don’t try to make Max feel guilty, but sometimes. I don’t know.

He pulls me tighter to him.

“Ok so you died?”

“TB.” I say flatly.

“And that made Angel hopeless why?” Anya asks without much emotion.

I see Xander glare at her and Willow roll her eyes.

“Ok, Twins usually have this bond thing. I’m sure Max and Isabel know what I’m talking about.”

Both of them nod.

“Well it was very abundant with us. I was, and empath I could/can feel others emotions. We had this. Pyschic connection. He was my best friend. Reminds me of Alex actually.”

I look down at my hands then shake my head to continue.

“Anyways. We were linked. Through this bond. When I died, it was severed, like a part of him was missing. I’m guessing he just lost hope, drank a lot and ended up being sired by Darla is it.”

“You look like Drusilla.” Giles says.

“Yeah maybe the not so pale, much prettier version.” Willow says sarcastically.

“Drusilla. That’s the girl he drove insane?”

My thoughts begin to get jumbled.

“She was just like you. She had so much potential. I wanted you back, so I made her dependant on me, and had her with me.”

I look up and see them walking back in the room.


“So Drusilla was a Beth knockoff because you missed your sister. I thought Vampires had no heart.”

I glare at Xander. Angel does too.

“Well, who knows. I was evil, out of my mind. Had no soul. Companionship.”

“You had Darla.” Xander says.

“It was different.” Angel tries to explain.

I take his hand in mine, and I can tell that the gesture doesn’t go unnoticed by anyone in the room.

We sit on the sofa in the corner and I don’t let go of his hand. I’m still a bit clueless as to what’s going on, but I know Angel will tell me.

It’s weird but I’m already making plans to make the house Angel friendly. I want him with me. All my fears are just gone.

Hearing him talk to his son, and the devastation that his son thought he was a monster. I love him, and why the hell should I deny it. Yeah he’s hurt me, I’ve hurt him.

But he’s worth it. He’s mine. And I’ve lived without him, it’s much better living with him. And if the soul thing is true. I can be with him.

I can still remember what it was like having him inside of him. I don’t think I’ve ever been that happy since that night. Kind of depressing.

“Xander, Shut up.”

Xander, like the good boy he is, follows orders, but still glares at Angel.

“So. You remember Ava’s life with Zan, Beth’s life as Liam’s sister, and this life as yourself.” Kyle looks as if a brain cell is going to explode if he tries to figure any more of it out.


“Ok One totally irrelevant question.” Maria starts.

Liz just smiles and nods her head.

“Everything Tess said about her and Max was bullshit wasn’t it?” Maria looked so confident.

“Well. They weren’t madly in love, Ava was actually in love with a member of her father’s court. She cared for Zan they loved each other, that was certain, they were good friends. But they weren’t in love. So not everything she said was bull. Zan did have a huge crush on her for a while.” She smiles.

“So wasn’t in love with her. Was he in love with anyone?” Isabel asks now interested.

“Not that I’m aware of. He was always waiting for someone else. That’s the feeling I get. And you know what the dupe Ava told me the same thing about her Zan.”

“You are my soulmate.” Max says lightly, but I still hear it.

Angel smiles.

“That’s my sister Man.” He jokes with Max.

Max holds up her hand with the ring and points to Liz’s hand.

“My Wife.”

Angel nods and laughs. God his laugh.

We continue to just talk. I’m a little tired. And I lean my head on Angel’s shoulder. His arm goes around me and soon I’m dreaming of waking up next to him every morning.

I’m awoken with a loud crash echoing from the back of the store.

We all jump into action. Xander gets everyone to move back, Liz. Angel, Max & I stand alert.

Max puts up this green shield thing with his hand, to block what’s coming towards us.

My breath catches in my throat.

“Drop the shield Max.” Liz yells as the figure slumps to the ground helpless.

I look at Angel and he looks at me.

Oh god.


posted on 1-Oct-2002 1:08:48 AM by Jiggers
Spike, dear fucking lord, Spike.

He’s collapsed in a heap on the ground. He looks as if he’s gone insane. Buffy is at his side in a second and I can’t help the pain that shoots through me at that.

She lies him down flat on the floor. Liz is also next to him.

I can’t even speak. He has them, both of them. My Buffy and my Beth.

Max goes into action, I’m not entirely sure what’s going on, but I heard something about aliens earlier, hey who am I to not believe?

“He’s a Vampire. He’s already dead.” Xander says to Max.

Liz looks at me quizzically.

“He has a heart beat …” I can tell she understands. Her gift is back. The one thing about my sister that I always got annoyed with was that I could never hide a damn thing from her.

“What?” Everyone’s attention is once again turned to Liz and Spike.

The look on Buffy’s face. I have no idea what she’s feeling, she’s purposely closing off from me.

She looks at me.

“Wait, Spike’s a Vampire.”

The commotion continues but I’m lost to the conversation around me. My eyes never leave Buffy’s.

She’s got this, regret on her face, she apologizing to me, with her eyes.

I thought I’d have time to deal with Spike. But now he’s here.

“He’s human.” Max announces.

I don’t understand. How the hell could Spike be human?

Liz looks at me. I can’t take it, Buffy won’t look at me now, Spike is calling her name. She’s trying to calm him.

I just can’t take this.

I turn around and walk out of the magic shop. I hear Liz and Buffy calling out to me, but I can’t stop. I make my way back to the bronze, back where I lived before. I never cleaned out that place. The same bed where Buffy and I made love still sits there, same sheets even.

I break in and stumble into the room. I’m drawn to the bed. It’s odd but her scent still lingers here. I curl up in the bed. I can’t cry.

I just think.

She had Spike, he was there for her. And now he can be there all the time, when I can’t.


I watch my brother leave. The turmoil of emotions around me is deafening. Buffy is torn between making sure Spike’s all right to worrying that Angel is misinterpreting her actions to him. I feel Hatred coming of Xander, Anya is confused.

That’s just the others, Max is trying to figure out what he saw when he healed Spike.

I can’t remember how to control this. I know it’s back here in my mind somewhere. I try to rub my temples.

I hear a low chant from behind me, and I feel the noise lessen. I look at Willow and Maria, they smile at me and I nod appreciative.

Spike is quiet, holding onto Buffy and she looks more than uncomfortable. She told me about Spike, I don’t even remember when, but somehow I know.

Finally she gets out of his grasp.

Max places his hand on Spike’s forehead and Spike goes to sleep.

Buffy recoils from him and begins to sob. Without thinking I go over to her and put my arms around her.

She clings to me like a life line. I’m not sure what to do. She’s so overrun with emotion.

“Buffy.” I say lightly.

“I can’t breathe.” She sobs into my arms. Soon Willow is there, Xander takes Buffy from my arms and they hold her. Whispering words of encouragement to her.

I collapse back in Max’s arms. We all just stay there silent for a while. No one really knows what to do.

Somehow I managed to fall asleep on Max.

I wake up to a snotty English voice yelling at Xander.

“You Whiney Bloke. Where is Buffy? I did this for her, to kill her. Buffy” He starts to hum.

I swear I think he’s insane.

“Now pet, who are you?” He makes me nervous. I don’t like this guy.

“None of your business.” Max steps in front of me.

If I weren’t so pissed at this blonde haired brit I’d be angry.

I step out in front of Max.

Giles shakes his head, “Long story Spike.”

“The names Liz. Newest Edition to the Scooby Gang, Slayer from New Mexico and Angel’s long lost twin sister reincarnated.” Man I like this new confidence.

“Or maybe not,” Giles mutters rubbing his nose.

“The blokes got a sister? Ahhh. I remember now Beth. Great another Angel on the loose. You’d think killing you all once would do the job.”

I grit my teeth and hold Max back. I can’t help but notice Michael and Kyle also ready to pounce. It’s really great to have my friends.

I walk up to Spike, who’s conveniently still on the couch. I get right in his face.

“My brother is right about you.” I smile and then walk away.

“Willow, when Buffy gets in touch with you, if she hasn’t found Angel call me. And if you hear from him or her, Call me. I’m worried about Lia … Angel … but I’m exhausted.”

Max takes my hand and Xander offers to drive us all back to the hotel for to sleep. I want to look for Angel. But I know he and Buffy need to sort things out.


Spike back. Spike is back. Calling for me. Holding on to me.

I’m not a life line.







I’m so out of it completely that I barely register Liz letting Xander and Willow hold me. I just cry. Angel thinks.

What the hell have I done.

Spike, Oh god. Everything. Nothing.

It was nothing. And I still let it happen.

Angel where are you.

I calm myself down enough to argue with the others about going to find Angel alone.

It’s not much of an argument, the Pod Squad aren’t involved enough to try to stop me, and the only other person who physically even try is asleep on her husband.

So I go. I don’t know exactly where I’m going.

I try my grave first. He’s not there.

The mansion.

God where the hell is he.

I could feel him earlier, where is that.

I stop in the middle of the street and try to calm everything.

Focus on Angel. Dark soulful eyes. His arms around me.

The Bronze. His old apartment.

Without much thought I head towards him.

I can feel him now.

I make it to the door and take a deep breath.

I haven’t been here in years. This place. It means so much, I loved him here, I lost him here, he broke my heart here.

I open the door, it’s not locked, not that I expected it to be.

I walk into the dark room slowly. He’s there. Lying on the bed. Curled up into a ball.

He’s not crying, that I can tell. He’s staring at the wall.

I know he feels me.

I stand there for a few minutes, trying to figure out what to say.

“I shouldn’t have come back.” He says softly. He sits up and turns to face me, but he doesn’t look at me.

“What?” I manage to croak out.

“You, He, You can be with him. He’s like you now. He helped you before and he can do it again.”

I can’t believe he just said that.


“No Buffy!” He gets up, “You deserve so much more than I can give you. I can’t walk with you in the daytime, I can’t take you into a church and Marry you, I can’t give you children.”

He’s right her can’t do all those things.


I walk towards him and he walks away.

“No …”

“Angel, Listen to me.” He stops but still doesn’t look at me.

“I love you Angel. I always have. You are the only man I’ve ever truly loved. Yeah I loved Riley but I was never in Love with him.”

“And Spike?”

God I hate this.

“Spike was there, and for some reason he was the only person that could make me feel. I don’t know why, and I wish I did know why, but I didn’t/don’t regret that he helped me feel.

Angel I just wish, it had been you, and it’s not your fault that it wasn’t, and it wasn’t my fault that it wasn’t. And I wish it could be different. But it’s not.”

He’s finally looking at me.

“But Angel. I love you. Do you know that earlier, while Liz was talking I was thinking about how I wanted to have you with me in the house. I was considering if I should paint the windows in my room, or just get dark curtains. Either way I don’t care. I want you with me.”

“But Buffy. I can’t …”

“Stop telling me what you can’t do Angel. The only thing I need from you is your love, your support. You. To hold me at night, watch stupid B movies at 3 am, I need you Angel. I always have. Yes you’ve hurt me and I’ve hurt you.

But it’s always been you, and whether you stay or leave it will continue to be you forever. In this life and the next.”

He’s looking at me, and dammit I have tears in my eyes, but I don’t care too much, because he needs to know this.

“I just don’t want you to look back in 2 years, 5 years, 10 years, when I haven’t aged, you have no children and your friends do … I don’t want to hold you back from truly loving.”

Truly loving? Doesn’t he know?

“Angel. You are my soul, my heart beats in your chest. I feel it, I feel you, you’re a part of me. Don’t you understand that there is no one else. I’ve tried to blame you, tried to replace you tried to forget you and I just can’t.”

I walk up to him and put my hand on his face, it’s warm. His face is so warm.

He looks into my eyes, its as if he were trying to see if I’m lying. So I let him peer into my depths.

“Angel. I love you.” I say one final time.

He leans his forehead against mine. “I love you.” He says back.

To think yesterday I didn’t even want to see him, hours ago I was running away, and now its there.

He kisses me slowly and everything feels so right like it hasn’t in so long. Everything we’ve done to each other, away from each other, it’s all gone and none of it matters cause he’s there with me.

posted on 22-Oct-2002 3:11:04 PM by Jiggers

Buffy and I head to her house before the sun comes up, she calls the rest of the gang once we’re there and she said they’d be by in a little while. First thing she does when she gets into her room is take a dark sheet and puts it over her window.

She turns around and smiles at me.

“Wills said Liz wanted us to call her when we found you, She wanted to go after you but …”

I smiled. “She knew we needed to sort this out.”

“Smart girl eh?” She smiles and sits on her bed.

“She always had this way of knowing exactly what I was thinking. I don’t even think it had to do with the fact that she’s empathic.”

She looks down. “I wish I knew you that well.”

I crouch down in front of her taking her hands in mine and say “you do.”

She looks at me and smiles.

“I need to ask you something,” she starts. “Darla, Did you love her? And Are you staying or going back with Connor?”

I move to sit beside her on the bed.

“I think Angelus had a sick and twisted love for Darla. And I tried to stay with her because it’s all I knew. When we, well I was completely hopeless everything was going wrong, and I stopped caring.”

“How come you didn’t change after you …” She looks away.

“You think sleeping with Darla would cause me one moment of true happiness?”

I look at her but she doesn’t say anything.

“Buffy, True Happiness could only be achieved with you. Honestly I think even without us making love just being with you would have eventually made me truly happy. You gave yourself to me, you loved me, not despite who I am but because of who I am.”

She had tears in her eyes.

“It wasn’t about the sex, the orgasm, it was about you Buffy. It’s always been about you.”

She turns to me and pulls my face down to hers. After a minute she pulls back.

“You better call Liz before I don’t let you go.”

I smile and kiss her forehead. I make my way to the kitchen and call the number Liz had given me earlier.

My head was aching. Max was by my side holding me. I was so tired.

Everything was so odd. It seemed so surreal, like I was making everything up but I wasn’t. I remember dying in Liam’s arms, father standing with the doctor and mother crying in the corner.

Angelus killed them. He killed my family.

It’s hard to distinguish them. Liam, Angelus, Angel. He’s three different people.

He’s still Liam, but being Angelus and getting his soul, it changed him, he’ll never be just Liam again.

“Liz.” Max whispers.

I turn and look at him.

“You alright?”

I lean forward and kiss him slowly.

I pull back and nod. “Just trying to sort through it all. Back at the Magic Shop I thought my head was going to explode. I’m still trying to remember how to control being empathic.”

“Why do you think you haven’t always been empathic?” He asked stroking my hair.

“Well honestly I think I always have been slightly. I didn’t like Tess. Nesado got under my skin.”

He nodded.

“I love you, you know that right.” He said.

“and I love you.”

I started thinking again, then the phone rang.

I picked it up.


“Hey Beth.” I heard his voice.

“It’s Liz, LIAM.” I smiled.

I could almost hear his smile through the phone.

“I just wanted to let you know I’m fine, I’m at Buffy’s.”


“So you worked everything out?” I asked him.

“Yeah, I’ll tell you about it later.”

“Your right you will.” I couldn’t help but smiling. It was so odd, my life was incomplete without him in it, only I hadn’t know it before now.

“Listen the others are back. Come by tomorrow. I can’t really leave during the day.”

“Will do.” I heard a knock on our door and Max got up to Answer it.

It was Michael.

“See you tomorrow Liz. Love you.”

“Ditto.” I replied and hung up the phone.

Max closed the door, Michael had just wanted to see if I was alright.

How Sweet.

I looked at Max. He came over and picked me up and put me on the bed. He held me all night.


I hear a car door slam and the others entering the house. I started walking down the stairs when I heard Angel’s voice.

“See you tomorrow Liz. Love you.” It was still odd to hear him tell someone else that.

Then I thought about Cordelia and I really felt horrible.

I just stood there.

“Heya Buff, Dead Boy.” Xander said laughing.

“Don’t Call him that.” I glared at Xander.

Angel came up behind me and put his arms around me.

Xander kind of looked shocked, maybe he figured I wouldn’t want to be with Angel again. I noticed Anya was with them. That was odd. She was standing uncomfortably next to Dawn, who was also watching me curiously.

So we all sat down and talked. Angel told them about Connor, getting plenty of dirty looks from Xander.

I went to the kitchen to grab some drinks I heard someone behind me.

“So your going back with Angel cause he has his soul for good and you can have sex again. I thought you used Spike for that.”

I turned and looked at Anya.

“Anya, If your just going to be a bitch why are you here? And no it’s not about Sex, Its about the fact that I love Angel.”

She looked at the floor.

“But he hurt you, he left you … like Xander left me.”

I thought about it for a second. I looked at her.

“If you love someone you forgive them for their mistakes. You never forget, but you always forgive. We all make mistakes.”

I walked passed her into the dinning room. Angel pulled me down into his lap and I happily got comfortable there.

“Where is Spike?” Angel asked. I could tell he honestly didn’t care, but I was curious.

“Giles took him to his place. They are going to come by once Spike gets cleaned up.” Willow says.

She looks better than she has in weeks, but she still has that sadness behind her eyes. I hurt for her. I wish I could help.

“Well Bloody hell.” I look up and there is Spike.

“I leave for a few months and your back with your ex. Buffy did what we had mean nothing to you.”

I felt Angel tense up, Spike was always a little bit of an Ass, there is something else behind his eyes. He keeps looking behind him around him.

“That about sums it up Spike.” I smile.

Couldn’t help it. Angel pulled me closer and Spike’s eyes grew wide.

“Why you bloody bitch.” He started towards us and then stopped and dropped to the ground.

“Stop the screaming stop the screaming STOPPPPP BLOOODY SCREAMING” he yelled.

Ok Spike’s gone crazy.

Angel and I share a look and we both get up.

“Your soul too much for you Spike.” Angel asked crouching down next to him.

“I’ve been there. Is there any where we can put him?” Angel asks me.

“Basement. We turned it into a wreck/guest room this summer.” Xander replied.

Angel, Giles and Xander all get Spike up and take him down stairs.

There’s a knock on the door. I go to open it.

When I do there are four people standing there. A tall black guy, a shorter girl with long dark hair, a younger boy about 15 or so and Wesley.

“Wes?” I ask.

“Hello Buffy.”

I step back to let them in. The black guy pushes the kid into the house and they all walk in. Oh my gosh this is Connor. He looks like Angel.

“Buffy, I’d like you to meet Fred, Gunn and, “ “Connor.” Angel interrupts Wes.

He steps up next to me. Connor doesn’t look happy.

“I’m going to kill you.” He says straight to Angel. He lunges for Angel and before he can do anything I grab him by the his shirt and pin up against the door, a couple of feet off the ground.

“Don’t you know your suppose to respect your elders, especially your father.” I told him.

He hit me, man that kid was strong but not strong enough. I let him down, he tried hitting me again but I pinned him face first on the ground with my knee in his back.

“A Slayer is protecting a Vampire! What’s wrong with you? He killed my father.”

“I don’t think you listen well Connor. For one thing, Angel is your Father, two as long as he has his soul he’s the kindest most amazing person I know, so unless somebody took his soul away then gave it back to him he didn’t kill the guy ok.”

“Let him up Buffy.” I looked at Angel. Then got up. I walked over to Angel; I wasn’t going to let his son hurt him. I’d only just gotten him back. Angel pulled me back against his chest, Connor didn’t look happy.

“So this is her. The Bitch.”

I barely had time to register him coming at me with a stake, I think he thought I would move and let him kill Angel, but I didn’t. I could feel it pierce my skin.

I vaguely remembered falling to the ground and seeing Angel’s face above me. Seeing Wesley punch Connor out, and seeing Willow running for the phone.

I just put my hand up to Angel’s face and that’s the last thing I remember.