|posted on 2-Jul-2002 1:02:48 PM by Coley|
|Title: Ugly Girl|
Author: Coley, that would be me.
Summary: Liz lives with her abusive father. . .I won't go into details about HOW he abuses her, you have to read to find out. Her self esteem is non-exsistent and she believes no one could ever love her; Ugly Girl
Disclaimer I own nothing except my poor lil Roswell Soul
Ratings: Each Chapter is different. The ratings differ from PG-13, to R for graphic abuse, to NC-17 (For the true Dreamer's hearts)
Max and the other gang are the "Popular" crowd in school. Liz needs someone, even though she won't admit it. . .Will Max be able to show her just how great she really is????
Feedback is a must! *winky winky*
"You spoiled brat."
I've heard this as long as I can remember. Daddy was never happy with anything I did.
My dad has been this way as long as I can remember...Ever since Mom left with that man he has never been the same...I was 5 when this all happened. You would think with all this bull shit I'd be some quiet little kid who never talked. Wait, I am that. My head is as fucked up as those Hookers in L.A. But do I care to share my thoughts? Nope. Just with you.
He likes to drink...A lot. Too much most of the time. Who knows what he smokes, I try to steer clear from him if he's on something...Which he usually was.
But I have gotten used to it. When he's drunk he likes to hit whatever is in his closest range...That usually happens to be me.
I have been pretty good with figuring out how to cover my bruises. I can convince quite a few people that I "Slipped and fell"
Don't even think I am throwing myself a pity party. Ha. You really think that don't you? You couldn't be more wrong. What I pity are the people who starve every day, have no clothes on their backs. I may be fucked up, but I live in a house and I am able to sleep in a bed every night. You could call me Grateful.
See I live in this little place called "Roswell"...Roswell, New Mexico. Home of the Aliens as I'd like to call it...It's a shit-hole if you ask me. I cannot wait to get out of here. Off to New York I go.
I guess you could say I've never really been the "beauty pagent" type. My long dark brown hair, with my dull brown eyes. People believe saying that I am "Plain" is a compliment. That it's good to be plain.
When daddy was very drunk, after I had taken a good smack from him, he likes to refer to me as "Ugly Girl" Did that hurt me?
I plead the Fifth. Who would care if Ugly Girl's feelings got hurt?
When I was 13, Daddy would occasionally come up to me, while eating dinner and pinch my sides. "You're getting chubby. You sure you wanna eat that dessert later?"
Let's just say I was full after that last bite of food.
School is almost as horrible as being at home...I said almost.
I guess you could call me a "Loner" Never let down your guard Parker I stick to myself. I need no one. I am Ugly Girl, hear me roar.
Could. I. Be. Anymore. More. Pathetic?
Oh and you can't forget our "Popular" crowd in school...God forbid, right?
There's Isabel Evans; Ice Queen of West Roswell High. If you ask me, she may be a bitch to people, but I bet you underneath that "I'm better than you" attitude is a girl that's...Well...Insecure.
Come on, get real Parker, like a girl like Isabel would be Insecure about herself. She's too perfect. No I'm not jealous. What? I'm not.
We can't forget about Maria Deluca and Alex Whitman. Those two are quirky. Almost to quirky if you ask me. Alex sarcasm can be quite amusing, but I don't attempt to crack a giggle in Class. Liz Parker, laugh??? Ha! Oh, and I guess I can tell you that Alex is head over heels in love with Isabel. Only the whole entire fucking city of Roswell knows that.
And Maria is out-spoken about well, mostly everything. They seem O.K. Too popular for me to hang out with though.
Michael Guerin. Most people are afraid of him. Am I? Hell No. I laugh in the face of danger. Well, sort of. Let's just say he is a true bad-ass. He and Maria are an On again Off again couple. They fight more than Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown
Kyle Valenti and Tess Harding. The famous couple at West Roswell high. Every boy and every girl here knows not to flirt with these two people. Ever. They'll be voted "Most likely to get married" I bet you. No really, I will.
...Then there is Max. Max Evans. Brother of the Ice Queen. He is the exact opposite of her too. He's caring, sweet, mysterious but charming, and quite loud. And those eyes...And that body...
Quit it Parker, like Max Evans would ever glance YOUR way. Wake up and smell the piss. This is the Real World.
But he seems so different. Not like the other guys here at Roswell. But what do I know? He's only made eye contact with me twice. These two times were while working at the "Crashdown Cafe". I like my job. It gets me away from school, and home. Of course it doesn't make my job worse that Max Evans stops by the Crashdown everyday afterschool.
I mean, he's good for the buisness.
Does Ugly Girl have a crush? God no. I don't. Seriously.
I need to get a life and quit talking to myself.
[ edited 9 time(s), last at 20-Sep-2002 7:53:55 PM ]
|posted on 2-Jul-2002 1:17:57 PM by Coley|
|Title: Ugly Girl|
Author: Coley, Me.
I hate Fridays. Monday and Friday’s are my worst days. Monday starts the week of school and Friday means I will be home all weekend. Why? Because Ugly Girl has no life, except for when I have to work. I never thought I would love working as much as I do. Especially in a little café like the Crashdown. And those ridiculous outfits. Who woulda thought, eh? But this is Roswell, anything is possible.
Today Max Evans was wearing a red shirt. Not that I was looking for a long period of time or anything. I just happened to glance his way.
Sure Parker, keep telling yourself that
Getting home on Friday after school, I was surprised to see Daddy home. I came into the kitchen and he was digging through the Fridge looking for something to eat.
“Where’s the chicken?” He asked gruffly.
“There isn’t any left. We finished it last night.”
“Well I want chicken. Go to the store and get some. And don’t buy any ice cream, lord knows you don’t need it, Chubby.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat and walked out the door.
At the store a few blocks away, I was getting chicken, milk, and cheese. The store was busy with moms and their little kids running up and down the aisles. Some screaming, crying and kicking because they weren’t getting their way.
Liz rolled her eyes and walked up to the front to pay.
“Hey, your Liz Parker, right?” Alex Whitman called behind the counter of the register.
Liz glanced up. HUH? Was he talking to me?
Duh you idiot there is only ONE Liz Parker in Roswell.
“Umm, yes. Hi” I said, confused.
“Hey, you’re in my Biology class, you’re pretty good at our disecting experiments. Maria and I have don’t make a very good team because well, we always screw it all up. Go figure, eh?”
Why is he talking to me? What am I supposed to say? ‘Thanks for thinking I disect well??’
“Thanks” I reply shortly.
“$8.19 is your total”
“Huh?” I say, dumbfounded. I still can’t believe he is talking to me.
“Your total is $8.19.” he said with a big grin.
“Oh, right.” I handed him the money, hoping he didn’t catch the slight color of crimson that rose upon my cheeks.
“Well, have a nice day. See you at school?”
“Right.” I say quickly before turning and walking away as fast as possible.
That was interesting. Maybe you aren’t as invisible as you once thought.
|posted on 2-Jul-2002 1:22:39 PM by Coley|
|Title: Ugly Girl|
Author: Coley, Me
Oooh thanks for the Feedback, I am blushing
CHAPTER THREE AND FOUR:
Saturday was busy at the Crashdown. It was humid outside, and it didn’t feel as if the air was even on inside. That is when Maria Deluca walked in and sat down in my area.
“Hi, I’m Liz and I’ll be your server, can I start you off with a drink?” I said in a monotone voice.
“Actually,” Maria said with hesitance “I was wondering if you have any job openings here. I really need a job, and well, what’s a better way to get good tips that to waitress?” She laughed nervously while looking at me.
Is she for real? She wants to work HERE. At this little Café.
“Well,” I began slowly, wondering what the hell I was supposed to say to this blonde, blue-eyed person. “Our last waitress was fired. Something about getting a little too close with one of the cookers while he was supposed to be cooking.” I rolled my eyes.
Maria laughed, her white teeth showing appreciation.
“I’ll go get you a resume” I turned and walked away.
Wow, this girl doesn’t seem half bad. Who woulda thought a popular person would come to work here.
I returned with a resume. “If you’d like after you have filled it out, you can give it to me, and I will give it to the Owner.” I wondered where this boldness was coming from. I never would have thought in a million years I would say more than just ‘Hi I am Liz, welcome to the Crashdown, what can I get you?’ to Maria, Alex, Max, Isabel, Kyle or Tess.
They are too good for you, that is why you don’t talk to them.
I suddenly found myself being very quiet.
“Umm, thanks…Liz? Is it? I really do appreciate this. Hey, you are in my Biology class, that is where I know you from. Alex is my lab partner.” She laughed and rolled her eyes. “We have never been the most productive together.” She giggled again.
I stood there, still wondering why she was talking to ME. Ugly Girl.
“Well, I’ll fill this out and get back to you say…Tomorrow? Thank you so much Liz, this means the world to me…” She smiled her bright smile again. “If only you knew how much”, she muttered, but I still heard her.
“I hope to see you around school, come say hi if you ever wanna join me for lunch okay? Take care.” And with that, she was gone.
What the hell just happened? Did Maria Deluca, one of the popular people in West Roswell High just invite ME, Ugly Girl to have lunch with her?
That can’t be. I probably heard her wrong. I must have…
Monday, back at school again. How. Fun. It’s lunch time, and as usual I am sitting alone under a tree, eating my peanut butter and jelly sandwich. That is when Maria walks up to me.
“Hey, Liz! How are you?”
I look up, dumbfounded. Is she for real?
“Hi, umm Maria. I’m fine, thanks.” I mutter.
“Hey how’a ‘bout you come join me for-,” She started to say, but Alex walks up and interrupts her.
“Hey Liz, Ria.” He said rolling his eyes, grinning.
“Hi.” I say quietly. Why are these two people still standing here, talking to me? This is too confusing…My head hurts.
“As I was saying!” Maria said, lightly hitting Alex on the arm, laughing. “Would you like to join us for lunch Liz? Please?”
I was about to object. I had other plans…To sit here and…eat my lunch. Alone.
“Yes Liz you must come…I need a witness to testify against Maria incase she tries to pull any Tye-kwon-doe moves on me..Again.” He said with that big grin of his.
What was I supposed to say? I couldn’t as hell say no, but how could I say yes?
Come on Parker, suck it up and say yes. You may not be good enough for them, but don’t reject them.
“Sure.” I say, trying to smile.
“Woo hoo!” Alex and Maria say at the same time, then looking at eachother and laughing…
I suppress my laughter. Woah, Liz Parker almost laughed! Let’s hope That doesn’t happen again!
As we walk over to their table, four pairs of eyes glance up at me. Maria was the first one to speak. “Guys, this is Liz. Liz, this is Kyle, Tess, Isabel, and Max.” She said indicating who they were with her hand.
“Hi.” I say weakly.
“Hey Liz it’s nice to meet you.” Tess says, brightly.
“Yeah, same here.” Says Kyle, putting his arm around Tess and kissing her temple.
“Hi Liz.” Isabel says shortly. She’s the Ice Queen, at least you got a ‘hi’ out of her.
“Hey Liz, welcome to the gang.” Max reaches out his hand to mine.
I stop breathing. Oh god what do I do? Don’t stand there like an idiot is what you can do!
I shake his hand, trying to ignore the current of my blood warming up to his touch.
“Hi.” I say a little too dreamily.
Alright stop it Parker. The last thing he needs is Ugly Girl drooling over him.
We all sit down, and everyone begins talking…About school, them, ext. That is when they ask about me.
“So, Liz, tell us about yourself.” Max says, smiling.
God does he have to smile!?
“Umm,” I clear my throat. “not much to tell really, lived in Roswell my whole life. Last name is Parker, and I love Biology. Guess you could call me your average typical nerd.”
Great why don’t you just announce to them how geeky you are!
I stop talking, looking around nervously. Do you think they would call me crazy if I got up and ran?
“No Liz that’s not nerdy at all,” Maria says smiling brightly. “At least you KNOW how to do Biology, and NOT mess it up.” She glared at Alex before they both begin busting up into giggles.
The rest of the gang just rolls their eyes and smiles. I actually catch Isabel smiling secretively, while looking at Alex.
Well whatda know, it looks like Alex may not be the only one who’s got a crush.
|posted on 2-Jul-2002 4:45:49 PM by Coley|
|You guys are all so nice! THANK YOU SO much for your feedback!|
lmao you guys are just too cute to
Island, baby what's up!?! I'm glad you're enjoying it! I thought I'd post it here as well...hehe I have many chapters to this right now but one step at a time!
Okay, just cause you guys were so nice I'm gonna give you TWO new parts!
Title: Ugly Girl
Author: Coley, Me.
CHAPTER FIVE AND SIX:
After school I was walking home...Usually I enjoy walking home, let the wind blow through my hair...It gives me time to think...Think about...Life...Or lack there of, I thought bitterly...But today it was hot...And I was dreading the walk...I am saving money from a car, and all I need is about another 100 dollars or so...
"Hey, Liz!" I hear my name being called...I know who it is.
I turn around, wondering what the hell he wants with me.
"You want a ride?" Max says, looking me right in the eye, smiling his pearly whites.
Oh lord, what the fuck is going on? Am I dreaming? Do I need to pinch myself? This is just bizaree, maybe the aliens have finally gotten to the popular crowd.
"Liz?" Max says, confused at why I hadn't answered him yet.
You are such a dumbass...You really need to quit talking to yourself.
"Umm...Well," I say biting my lip...I just cannot believe this...Maybe when the aliens abducted him, they took out part of his brain...Like a lobotomy.
"Oh come on, the heat is a killer today, we can put up my top and turn the AC on." He gives me a wink.
What the fuck? Did he...just wink at me? Holy shit.
"Okay." I say, shaky as hell.
"Good." He says while I hop in to his jeep.
The ride home is silent on my end...I am thinking too much to really say anything other than "yeah".
"Liz, I was thinking maybe you chould help me in Biology. I am starting to struggle, and well. It's just really difficult for me...Do you think you would mind helping me out?" He looks over at me nervously. "Pam, Pam Troy, my lab partner is well...Terrible," he says smiling, still watching the road..."Worse than Maria and Alex." He starts to laugh.
I sit in silence trying to take in everything he just asked me...Should I help him? That means more physical contact. Right Parker like you EVER had pysical contact with him.
I'll help him...Besides, I don't want him to fail.
"Sure, we can work out a schedule. Maybe tomorrow night after I get off my shift?" I say.
"That sounds great." He looks at me greatfully. "Thank you so much Liz."
"Uh huh." Is all I can manage out.
Almost too late, I realize we just drove by my house. "Oops, my house is right there." I say blushing.
He backs up, and stops. "Thanks for the ride." I say, looking at his forehead.
"No problem, well I will see you tomorrow Liz...It's a date" He says winking.
Somebody tell me that didn't really happen...I didn't just fall out of Max Evans jeep. Oh my god. Fuck!
"God Liz are you alright?" He asks with concern and laughter in his voice.
I stand up, trying to compose myself. Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.
"Yeah, I'm good...cool" I say stuttering.
"Well okay, take care of yourself, it looks like you skinned your arm...Make sure to get that cleaned up." He tells me looking from my wound, to my eyes.
"Night." I tell him turning away and going into my house.
Oh man, if I can't even walk around him how the hell am I going to help him study!?
After Max drove off, I went inside, instantly smelling Beer and cigarettes.
Please don't let him hear me...
"Yes" I say trying to walk to my bedroom.
"Don't you want to come give your father a hello kiss?"
I walk up to him, hoping he does not notice my hesitance.
He grabs me turning me, so my back is to him, licking my ear.
"I need to go do my homework." I say, wanting to get away from him.
"Oh but honey I have not seen you all day." He pounts.
"I need to do my homework" I say again, freeing myself from the confines of him arms.
"Well okay, but hurry back down. Daddy gets lonely." He says grabbing my ass.
"Oh and were a skirt tonight at dinner." He winks before walking into the kitchen, grabbing another beer.
I turn around, walking to my room trying to fight the feeling of tears I feel in my eyes.
Don't you dare cry Parker! WE don't cry you got that!?
Right. I don't cry. There is no need for it, it is a pathetic emotion.
You think you know, but you have no idea. This is the life of Ugly Girl.
|posted on 2-Jul-2002 5:35:19 PM by Coley|
|Just wanted to say I will update later tonight |
As for the story, a lot of what I am writing is personal things I have gone through. With my father, with myself, ext.
So this is my Therapy to get it out
And no, The gang is not gonna be bad. They are very nice to Liz because they feel a connection to her
|posted on 2-Jul-2002 7:50:32 PM by Coley|
|Title: Ugly Girl|
Author: Coley, me
CHAPTER SEVEN, EIGHT, AND NINE:
I am upstairs in my room, laying on my bed. I suddenly fly up from the bed looking at my door. Good, it's locked. I sigh.
Jeez one minute he is telling me how fat I am, to grabbing my ass. What a fucker. You'd think that I could find some strength to love him. Nope. I could blame all this behaviours on the alcohol and drugs, but I know and you know different. This man is like this because he wants to be and chooses to be. He just happened to have some good swimmers that created; me.
I wish I could pity myself. But really when I lay here and think, I just think about getting out of this town. Getting away from Daddy.
You need to stop calling him Daddy. He is NOT your daddy.
True. He is just my sperm donor. I need to start waking up.
This is just terrible...I gotta get out of the house...I wish I had friends. Someone to talk to. Confide in.
But Ugly Girl doesn't need friends. Ugly Girl can't let down her guard.
Ugly Girl is beginning to wonder why she can't...
But who would want to be my friend? Maria? Alex? MAX?
They are just being nice to the poor little loner girl. Maybe to boost their popularity that they helped out Ugly Girl.
I don't want to believe that's true. I can already fell Max is slowly, but surely taking down my guard. But it's not safe. Why do I feel this, pull to him? There is just something about him. I don't recognize these feelings.
I don't want those feelings.
I don't need anyone.
All I need is myself.
Title: Ugly Girl
Author: Coley, me
Rating: NC-17 baby!
"Oh, god Max, don't stop."
"Liz, baby you are so beautiful. Our bodies fit perfectly together, just as our hearts." Max whispers into her her, driving deeper in to her.
"Oooooooh Maaaaaax! Max!" She says kissing him furiously. She can feel they are both close to coming, so Liz squeezes her lower body as tight as she can, making Max go over the edge screaming her name.
"Lizlizlizlizlizlizlizlizliz!" He says filling her.
Max rolls off the top of her, laying beside her and curling her up to his side, while both of them try to catch their breaths. Their hearts are pounding so hard, it sounds like footsteps walking up the stairs.
"That was...h..amazing..." Liz pants.
"...Ditto." Max says kissing Liz, sliding his tounge into her mouth, caressing it.
Liz rolled over and put entwined her legs through Max's and felt Max grow hard again.
"Well, I guess I didn't wear you out enough the first time" Liz says, giggling.
"Guess not, this time you better do the job right Parker." He tells her winking, and laying back on top of her, kissing her breathless.
Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.
Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.
I sit up in bed. What the fuck was that? I couldn't have dreamed that...just...now...Could I've?
No fucking way. Shit there is drool on my pillow!
I need a shower...A very cold shower
Title: Ugly Girl
Ratings: R- Very much Violence in this and Self-harm...Be warned.
After my very long, very cold shower, I was combing my hair in the mirror. I was examining myself thoroughly. Looking at myself, I don’t recognize me. It’s like I don’t recognize this body I’m in, this face. This ugly face. This face no one could ever love.
Who could love you Liz? You are the child no body wanted. Mom didn’t want you, nor does Dad. You just need to realize this, stop trying to convince yourself you are worth something, it is just a bunch of bull shit and a waste of time.
Why am I even going on then?
Tears start to form in my eyes. No, dammit Liz you cannot cry. Don’t be weak, you need to SNAP OUT OF IT!
But this time, I can’t help my tears. I can’t fight them back anymore. I drop my brush, and slide down my dresser, crying as if I had never cried before in my life. Which lets face it, I don’t recall crying ever since I was little. Ever since Mom left. It has been so long…
And I keep crying my eyes are so blurry with tears, I can’t see. I can barely breathe because I am choking on my sobs.
Then I hear a bang at the door.
“What the hell are you doing in there? Shut the fuck up already!” Dad yells and I hear him pounding back down the stairs.
I run into my bathroom, shutting the door and locking it. I lean against my tub, letting all my emotions return to me. I’ve never felt this much before, and I am terrified. I keep trying to convince myself that I need to stop crying…But I just…can’t. Not this time.
My sobbing subsides slightly, and now I am feeling angry. Angry at what life gave me.
“Why?” I say to myself, with anger in my voice. “Why!” I say louder.
“It’s not fair, I just want to be normal. I want somebody to love me. Somebody…please…love me…please love me.” I start to cry again.
Well you need to get it in your head that no one will ever love you. Killing yourself isn’t the answer either, although it would probably be best for the others around you. You were the reason why Mom left you. Because you were so goddamn selfish. You got yourself into all this bullshit and pain, so suffer.
I wish I could convince myself that I am capable of being loved, and this isn’t my fault, but I have no evidence to back it up. I blame me. There isn’t anyone left TO blame.
Suddenly I feel numb again. My tears have stopped, along with my heart it feels like. I am angry with myself. Not my father for what he’s done to me, not to my mom for leaving me, not for anyone ever noticing me. Only myself. I want to make myself pay. Pay for causing all of this.
It IS your fault. I hear myself say in my head, but it is the voice of my Father.
I look around in my bathroom, wondering what the hell I do next. That is when I see a razor. The razor I shave my legs everyday with.
Would this hurt? I ask myself picking up my razor.
All I can see is myself and this razor. We are staring at each other. My heart starts to pound. I’m scared and excited at the same time.
Do I really want to do this?
Do it you fucker, you weak fucker.
I barely remember anything after that. Just the razor slitting open my wrist and waking up this morning with dried blood all over my arm.
I stand up shaky, in a haze.
What the hell happened last night?
I look at my arm, and it all comes flooding back with flashes.
Me crying. Dad screaming. Me in the bathroom. Me looking at the razor. Me picking up the razor. Me using the razor upon my wrist.
I touch my wound, and I flinch at what I feel. It wasn’t pain even, just a numbing sensation.
The fucked up thing is; The numbing sensation felt good.
|posted on 2-Jul-2002 10:58:09 PM by Coley|
|Hehe you guys like completely predicted the next part to my fic! LOL|
Thank you so much for all the feedback...I am such a goober I'm getting all teary eyed, mostly 'cause I am writing this story from my own personal knowledge
It's Heather Smeather! Thanks for replying girlie you! I wuv you!
I won't keep you in suspense any longer!
Title: Ugly Girl
Author: Coley, me
I wore a long sleeve white shirt blouse today. I was so self-conscious, but in another way, I felt proud. But I wasn’t about the express the proudness I felt about myself
You are such a fuck up Parker.
I put my head down and walk in to Biology, hoping no one would notice me.
it’s not like they would any ways.
My wall has been put back up. I need no one, I hunt alone. You can’t get hurt if you don’t let anyone in.
I step inside the classroom and realize that Maria, Alex, and Max is in this class. I walk to my seat, not glancing up at anyone; not like I ever would any ways.
“Class, today some of you will be assigned new lab partners. I can tell by your productive skills and your grades that some of you just aren’t meant to be partners. When I call your name please find your new partner and switch seats.”
Oh, great. Who is going to be my lab partner now? Or will I even have to switch? My lab partner, Johnny doesn’t talk much at all but occasional grunts, which is more than fine by me.
“Maria Deluca and Alex Whitman, I was going to separate you two, for obvious reasons, but I figured you two will work better together than anyone else in this class room. But please, see me after class about maybe some Tutor assistance.” Alex and Maria look at each other and the class lets out a few giggles.
“Now…Pam Troy, you will be working with Johnny Cars. Max Evans and Liz Parker, you two will be new lab partners.”
I didn’t even hear Mr. Butch call out the other names in the class. I just kept hearing his name over and over again
I sit, frozen.
“Hey Liz, You and me lab partners now, eh?” He says smiling shyly.
Doesn’t sarcasm work in every situation?
“uh, yeah.” I say a little too shortly.
My arm itches.
I scratch it.
“I guess you won’t need to tutor me, that’s a bummer but you make a better partner.”
“Yeah, uh huh.”
“Class your materials are on your table, please read the instructions and begin now.” My teacher went to his desk and sat down and started reading a magazine.
“Alrighty Liz, you and me now.” I hear Max say.
Either I need to learn new vocabulary or Max Evans needs to STOP talking like that.
We start working, both of us taking half the lab assignment. Max actually seems to be doing okay, except for the accident spills now and again…That could be a problem ‘specially if we were to be working with combustible liquid.
“Shit.” The clamp fell to the floor. I bend down and come back up, looking at Max; looking at me.
“I umm…dropped the…” I stutter out.
“I see that.” He says grinning.
Just stop looking at me now, and let me get back to my lab.
He is such a distraction. Maybe I should tell the teacher we need to switch partners, again.
Yeah like that’s what you want Parker.
I silently tell myself to shut the fuck up.
We finish about 10 minutes early, so we sit there, talking. Him talking, me nodding my head mostly. My nervous habit breaks out and I begin chewing on my nails. Chewing on them and then looking at them, as if I was polishing them.
“God Liz you’re bleeding.” Max tells me suddenly.
No, I can’t be. No no no no no no no. Please tell me he said something else…Or that I’m dreaming. Please!
He grabs my wrist gently and I pull it back as if he had twisted it. He looks up at me, confused.
“It’s nothing.” I tell him shortly.
“But, Liz, it looks like a good amount of blood. You want me to go get a…”
“No, I will be fine.”
“Okay. Liz.” He looks over at me, but I can’t bear to look him in the eye.
The bell rings and I practically fly out of my chair.
Whatever happened to Saved By The Bell?
[ edited 1 time(s), last at 2-Jul-2002 11:02:09 PM ]
|posted on 3-Jul-2002 12:48:39 PM by Coley|
|Hehe thank you everyone! Gosh your feedback means the world to me! Tankyoutankyoutankyou!|
Title: Ugly Girl
Author: Coley, me.
Sorry this chapter is so choppy, but it's meant for a purpose. I'll try to explain it. . . This is how I am writing Liz's home life. Her father goes from making fun of her to touching her inappropiatly. And also this is through the eyes of Liz, this is what happens to her and this is what she sees. . .
I ditched school and took a bus out of town. It was almost pitch black by the time I got home. I didn't realize I was gone so long. I hate the dark almost as much as I hate my father.
who would notice that I was gone anyways?
I came home to the sound of the T.V blaring. He usually doesn't acknowledge me when the T.V is this loud, this time he did.
"Who the hell are you?" He looks at me with a glare.
Sigh. It's the drugs.
"It's Liz, your daughter."
"Well then get the hell over here Liz."
I walk beside his chair and he grabs my hair. I try not to flinch at the pain I feel in my skull.
"You are a terrible daughter, you know that? If you were worth anything you would do as your daddy said." He grabbed my breasts, massaging them with his hands, roughly.
I don't know what he is talking about, he never makes any sense on drugs. He never makes sense at all.
I don't say a word. I don't feel. I'm Numb. Ugly girl is numb.
"You can be quite sexy when you want to."
And I think: nothing.
And I feel: nothing.
His hands roam further down my body, and in to my pants.
"Mmmmm, well look what we have here." I stand still, not moving, not thinking, not feeling.
He starts touching me and all I can think about is the razor. My razor.
I close my eyes, while picturing my razor and the next thing I realize I have been thrown on the ground, and my father is on top of me.
I start to scream, and he hits me. He hits me hard.
"Oooh Lizzie you are so sexy." He climbs on top of me.
I try to push him away, and he grabs my hands and holds them over my head, biting my breasts; hard.
"You better be a good little girl." He tells me hitting me in the stomach.
I start to panicked, and I am terrified. My father is going to molest me. This has never been this bad.
Please somebody help me. Please. Make him stop.
And I think about Max, and I think about Maria, Alex, Tess, Kyle, Michael and Isabel. For some reason they give me strength, and while lying here, with my father ripping off my shirt I wonder. . .Why do I feel so attracted towards them? Why them? Why me?
I gather all the strength I possibly can, even though my face and breasts are aching and my heart is about to explode in my chest. And I kick him. I think of Max, Maria, Michael, Tess, Kyle, and Isabel, and I kick him. I barely remember jumping up and running out the door, running as fast as I can. All I could see and hear was HIM yelling.
I don't know how I ended up at the Park on the other side of town, but I sit there, my shirt is ripped open and I can feel the left side of my face swelling.
Tears form in my eyes and I contemplate walking in front of a car or trying to hang myself from a tree. Except there were no cars out, and I had no rope.
I go to sit on a bench and I miss it and fall to the ground. I have no energy to get up, and I curl up my legs around my arms putting my head down.
My body starts shaking. This time I have no sarcasm coming from me, just pure terror. I feel so alone and so dead. Words can't even describe me anymore. I hate crying but right now I'm not me. I want to cry, cry until I run out of air to breathe. I pity myself, and I cry because my life is hard. . .It's so hard. After tonight the Liz Parker I once was, I will never be again. I am now wearing my heart on my sleeve and I know I won't be able to help it.
I don't even notice someone walk up to me.
|posted on 3-Jul-2002 4:00:42 PM by Coley|
|Ask and you shall recieve |
Oooh if you wanna know who walks up to her you're just gonna have to read the next part!
Thanks for all the feeback everyone
Title: Ugly Girl
Author: Coley, Me
“Liz? Is that you?” I hear a voice come out beneath a tree.
At this I jump, lifting my face momentarily, before I quickly return it to my lap. This cannot be happening, not now. Could life get any fucking worse!
“Liz? What’s wrong?” I hear her say.
I say nothing. I don’t move. Maybe I can play dead.
I feel her touch my shoulder and my head flings up as if she had hit me. This is when she sees my face, and backs away, tripping and almost falling.
I put my head back down and start crying. And I tell myself; who cares if she sees me. She already knows I’m pathetic and ugly, who fucking cares anymore. I don’t care anymore.
And this time I mean that.
I feel her sit down next to me, but I don’t move. Only my body is shaking from my sobs.
This is when I hear her voice, and she is really talking to me.
“Liz,” I hear tears in her voice. “I don’t know what’s happened to you, and you don’t have any obligation to tell me. I know that you must think I am the bitch of the school. ‘Ice Queen’ is what I’m known for, right? And I know I don’t know you good . . . God I don’t know you at all. But I can’t stand to see people in pain. Especially you, because I may not know you, but ever since you first walked over to our table that day, my brother has never been the same. I envy you in a way, I’ve tried to get him to open up for years. He acts like he’s confident, but that couldn’t be more wrong. Both of us are so good at faking who we actually are. Me being a bitch, him being the stud of the school. I wish I could explain to you why I don’t let my guard down, and I act like that. But I’m just…Different.”
At this I look up at her. This beautiful face. And I realize that this girl, this beautiful person, is like me. She’s never let her guard down. She can’t. Just like I can’t.
I guess I never thought of her as a Human. Just this person that is perfect with no flaws. And God only knows why she is opening up to ME. It feels so surreal, someone, especially her, sitting next to me on the ground, talking to me as if we had been best friends.
I tell her what I’m thinking. “Why are you telling me this?” My eyes still full of tears.
“I honest to God don’t know. Maybe because I want and need someone to talk to, and I think you need that too. To talk to someone. Liz I know you probably don’t trust me, but please, let me try to help you. Just tell me something, I can’t leave this park tonight if I don’t know for sure that you’ll be okay.”
For once in my life, I’m not scared of opening up. I want to tell Isabel about me, tell all of it. I don’t know why either…Maybe because I believe she’ll understand me? Is it sick to say I feel a connection with her?
“My father, tonight he…he,” I start to cry, but I keep going. “He tried to molest me tonight. I luckily got away, but I don’t know what is going to happen when I go back home.” I suddenly feel cold and wrap myself around my body more.
“God Liz, I am so sorry.” I see a tear slip from her eye.
“Me too.” I tell her honestly.
“You can’t go back home.” She tells me firmly.
“Where else am I supposed to go then? I have no place…no one.”
“You can come stay with me.” She tells me with no hesitation in her voice.
I look up at her. “I can’t do that! What would your parents say?”
“My father is a lawyer and we can talk to him tomorrow. You can’t let your father get away with this Liz. That piece of shit needs to pay.”
And I want him to pay, I want them to fry the fucker. Throw him in jail, anything.
“Okay…But I have nothing to wear.” I look down at my ripped shirt, which is exposing my stomach and bra.
“We will find something for you, don’t worry about that okay?”
She stands up and then puts her hand down towards me, offering to help me up.
And I still feel like I’m dreaming. Isbael Evans and I just had a conversation together, and I actually told someone about what happened to me. We talked as like the best of friends would have talked. And we barely know each other.
But I know that this beautiful person is going to be my best friend.
I gently grab her hand and stand up slowly, but my legs are weak and they give back out and I fall.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Maybe you should just go home, I will be fine here tonight.” I curl back up into my protective position.
“That is not even an option Liz.” And I hear her voice talking to someone else.
“Max? Hi, it’s Iz…Yes I know what time it is, but I need you to do me a favor.”
Thought it was Max, didn't you?
Don't worry, This IS a Dreamer Fic
|posted on 4-Jul-2002 12:34:35 PM by Coley|
|Hehe you're guys feedback is amazing!|
I will only be able to update once today, 'cause I won't be around but I hope you enjoy this lil part!
Title: Ugly Girl
Author: Coley, Me.
"We are at the Park...Yes We...Thank you Max, I love you...Mmmhmm, Bye." Isabel clicks off her cell phone.
"Max is going to come pick us up. We don't live far from the park so he will be here in about 5."
I freeze. Max is going to see me like this. Max is going to know the truth!
"Isabel, I...I...I ddon't wwant Max to see me like this." Tears start spilling over my eyes.
"I'm sorry Liz, I'm sorry, but I just don't know what to do!" She tells me honestly. "I just want to help you, is all. Max can protect you, our family isn't going to let anything happen to you."
I start to cry, and now I am sick of crying. I just want to sleep in my bed, safe for once. I want to be safe in my own skin
"Okay." I look down at the ground, defeated.
I see headlights, and I jeep come in to view. I guess this is the moment of truth. I barely know these two people and they are about to know my entire life. How is this fair again???
Max jumps out of the jeep and runs to Isabel, hugging her.
Wow, they are much closer than I thought.
"Iz what's wrong?" They are looking at eachother, Isabel with tears in her eyes.
I bet he doesn't even see me standing here.
"Liz is that you?"
I was wrong.
"Hi." I say weakly.
"God Liz, what happened? Who did this to you?!" It sounded as if he was almost yelling.
"I uhh...I" Tears formed in my eyes again. God I hate fucking crying!
"Max, we will talk about this at home. Right now we need to take Liz to our house and get her some warm clothes." Isabel says, taking charge.
"Okay. Here Liz let me help you up." Max tells me gently.
I am about to protest when I realize he is picking me up, as if I were weightless.
Since when can someone lift Ugly Girl?
And I take in his scent, he smells wonderful. Perfect.
I wish I could say that I am not falling for Max Evans.
But it's right here. At this point, him holding me. That I am falling in love with him.
[ edited 1 time(s), last at 4-Jul-2002 12:35:51 PM ]
|posted on 5-Jul-2002 10:49:16 AM by Coley|
|My back hurts like a mother fucker right now, but I am writing another part to it.|
I will update it later today, I am so sorry about the wait.
I have a back injury and last night I over did it with swimming and Volley ball.
Anyways, thank you so much for all the feedback, I 'preciate it all.
But I have questions. What do you guys mean when you ask me to write that I have a new update? Like Put it in the title?
Lots of love
|posted on 5-Jul-2002 5:14:57 PM by Coley|
|Title: Ugly Girl|
Author: Coley, Me.
Sorry if this part is shitty but I have to worst back ache right now!
The ride home was silent.
I was too scared to talk.
Isabel was too scared to breathe.
Max was too scared to think.
But we got to the Evan's house quickly, but we had to crawl through Max's window to make sure we didn't wake up his parents.
I don't know why I was still too weak to walk. Maybe it was because of everything plus the fact the Max was carrying me.
Never thought I'd literally go weak in the knees.
Once I was in his room, they layed me down on his bed. I was instantly asleep.
But I woke up sometime later and it was pitch black still.
Oh god where am I! Am I still at that park? Oh god am I back home!
Before I could think rationally I let out a yelp. Sounded mostly like a cry.
I started to get up from where I was laying and stepped on a lying figure on the ground.
"Ahh!" I jump back to where I was laying, cringing.
"Liz? Liz...It's okay, It's me. Max."
"Mmmm...ax?" I quiver out.
He sits on his bed next to me turning on a light beside his bed.
Before I start to think about why he would be so close to me, I wrap my arms around him and start crying.
I try to ignore how perfect my body feels next to him while I am crying.
"Shh...Liz things are going to be okay from now on. Iz told me what happened and I won't ever let that happen again. You are safe now...Safe with me." He rubs my back gently and I yawn.
"Let's get you back to bed Liz. You only slept about an hour."
He lays me down in the bed and I get under the covers, still sniffling back my tears.
"I will be right on the floor and if you need-"
"No!" I cry. "Please Max...Please don't leave me." I start sobbing hysterically. I am so scared.
Max is instantly next to me with his arms around me.
"I...I...I..ju...st....do..nt...c...a...nt...be...uhh...alone." I am sobbing into him.
"Okay Liz, I won't leave you..." He tells me, and then adding quietly. "I'll never leave you Liz."
I am too uttertly scared to think about any of that right now. All I can focus on is that for once in my life, someone is holding me. Someone actually cares about Ugly Girl.
And it feels so amazing. So...Unknown.
He lays me back in my bed and I curl up next to him, still crying.
"Liz...You don't...didn't deserve any of this. None of this is your fault...None of it...Okay?"
But I can't help but blame myself Max.
And I keep crying.
My tears don't subside.
After 10 minutes they still haven't left me, in fact have gotten worse.
30 minutes later I start to calm down, but tear up when I begin to speak.
"Max...I...I'm so...sorry for bringing you...uhh..and Isabel into..uhhh this.....so sorry..."
"Shh Liz never be sorry, we want to help you and we are going to help you. I am going to protect you. We care about you Liz. You should hear all the sweet things Maria and Alex say about you. She still thinks she owes you her life for getting her a job at the Crashdown."
And I smile, and my tears subside.
I yawn once again, and lay my head in on Max's body, hoping I don't crush him.
"Am I too heavy Max?" I ask him honestly, my doubts and fears and the lack of my self confidence coming back. "I don't want to squish you...I'm so fat...." I tell him sadly, but speaking the only truth I've ever known.
"You Liz, are not fat. Whoever told you that is a fucker. You...are beautiful."
Tears start to seep from my eyes, but I force them to stop. I am exhausted, and I need sleep.
"Thank you Max," I tell him very quietly. "For everything."
"No Liz, Thank You."
And before I can think about what he meant by that, sleep starts to take over me.
My last rational thought is,
I love you Max Evans
[ edited 1 time(s), last at 5-Jul-2002 5:16:10 PM ]
|posted on 5-Jul-2002 9:57:54 PM by Coley|
|Thanks for the feedback guys. I loved it all|
And thanks for caring 'bout me and my back. My back is feeling okay right now.
See I have two herniated disks in my back and I was only in school for two months this year before I went on Home Study...I'm only 14!!!
lol thanks guys and a new part will be up tomorrow
|posted on 6-Jul-2002 11:15:30 AM by Coley|
|Title: Ugly Girl|
Author: Coley, Me.
I woke up today, feeling as if thirty pounds had been taken off of my heart.
I was for once...Normal? I can't even think of word to describe me.
I was; Me.
I smelt heaven, the scent of Cinnamon and realized I was sleeping on Max's pillow. But Max was gone.
"Max?" I call cautiously.
"Max? Isabel?" Panic araises in me.
Where are they?!
I get off Max's bed and rush into the bathroom.
No one there.
Oh god, they've left me!!
Before I can control it, tears spill from my eyes.
And I cry. I haven't had many rational thoughts this past week, this one right now being one of them.
I sit with the bathtub to my back, my knees up with my face in my lap. Once again, I am alone.
That is what Ugly Girl is supposed to be.
I suddenly stand up, my stubborness filing back into me, my heart; cold and numb once again.
That's right, Ugly Girl doesn't deserve this love. Ugly girl has to be alone. No one could ever love you!
I walk back into his room, preparing to leave...Leave where? God knows. I have money in the bank.
That dream car of yours will just have to wait then.
Suddenly someone comes into the room, and I dive on the bed, covering myself with Max's blanket.
I'm shivering. Isabel's sweatshirt suddenly seems very thin.
"Liz? Liz, what's wrong?" It's Max's voice.
I don't move.
"Liz, Liz please...Did something happen?" He cried.
"You left me." I told him bitterly through the covers.
"I lef...Oh Liz I'm so sorry. I was making you breakfast and getting you our Emergency kit. My mom and dad have left for a week out of town, and I was also telling them goodbye. I'm sorry I frightened you." He tells me sadly.
Great goin' Parker.
I lift my head out from under the covers. "Oh Max, I'm so sorry." I feel wetness on my cheeks and realize I am crying again.
Why the fuck do I keep having to cry dammit!
He pulls me to him. "Don't be sorry. I told you I wouldn't leave you, remember? And I meant that. Now, I hope you like eggs and toast...? 'Cause that's all I can cook..." He laughs.
I sit up and lean against his head post. "Thank you Max. Will you join me?" He sits on his bed, next to me and takes a piece of toast.
After breakfast Max is putting that shit that stings on my face. Dad hit me pretty good in the face, his wedding ring cut my eyebrow open.
"Oow!" I wince.
"God..Shit I'm sorry...It's going to sting but it will help, I promise." He continues putting it on my eyebrow.
Yeah, that's what HE thinks!
"Okay...Done with that...Now, is there anywhere else he hit-" he stops himself. "Anywhere else there is a wound?" I see anger in his eyes.
We both intake breaths.
I think I've forgotten how to breathe.
"Okay, just lift up your shirt and we'll get you some ice and a bandage.
I pause. Oh god he is going to see my stomach. My fat stomach!
I cringe. "Umm, I think my stomach will...uhhh...be fine."
"Liz, please." He looks up at me, concern in his eyes. "Don't be afraid, I will never hurt you. Please let me take care of you...You're wound."
I hesitantly lift up my shirt, terrified of what he will see and think of me.
"God Liz, this is worse than I thought. I am so sorry."
Is that a tear in his eye.
I am uncomfortable as it is, and I can't take any more of his touch.
I put my shirt down and lean back.
"I am um...I am fine Max, I promise."
"Liz, are you sure? That doesn't look good." He looks back at my stomach now covered by my shirt.
"No, I am fine." I'm closing down.
He sighs. I sigh.
"Okay...I'll umm...just go get Isabel and we will find you something to wear...Okay?"
Breathe it, breathe out, breathe it, breathe out.
[ edited 1 time(s), last at 6-Jul-2002 11:17:30 AM ]
|posted on 7-Jul-2002 12:25:54 PM by Coley|
|Title: Ugly Girl|
Ratings: R...Self Harm.
Max and Isabel have been so...nice to me this weekend. I sure as hell don’t know what I did to deserve it. When I had to go to my house to get clothes, my money, my school stuff, ext…I couldn’t do it. And HE wasn’t even there and I still couldn’t do it. So I told Max and Isabel where all my things were, and they got them for me. I sat in their jeep in tears the whole time until they came back.
I’ve never had someone be so…protective over me. It kinda bugs me but I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. Don’t think I’m not greatful, I am. I am just not accustomed to this.
Since Max’s parents won’t be back until this Sunday, we are going to have to wait to file a police report. I am terrified. What if the police don’t do anything to him? What if he walks a free me?
I doubt this plan for turning in my…Sperm donor. What if he comes after me?
Just because he might go to jail won’t stop him. Nothings stopped him before. I think bitterly.
And my cuts. They have now turned into scabs. If Max or Isabel saw them, I am sure they would think it was done by my…Sperm Donor. I haven’t been able to cut myself while at their house. I don’t know if that is a good or bad thing. Bringing myself that blood and pain, it’s so familiar to me. It’s the only thing I’ve ever known. I can’t tell Max and Isabel yet…Maybe not ever. They will hate me, and they will leave me. I can’t lose either one of them. I cling on to them, because I know…I know, that my life depends on it. What other reason do I have for living without them? My life is nothing. I am nothing.
If they knew the truth about me, they will tell me I deserved all the pain my father did to me. I guess that’s true, I did deserve it, but I guess…I guess I just don’t want to hear the truth right now. Just let me stay in my fantasy world a little longer. Please.
Monday at school, Max watched me like a hawk. I am still confused about this whole thing, since I barely even know Max. We’ve talked…a little… but I haven’t really been able to talk about my past without crying. So I just don’t bring it up. Max doesn’t seem to care for his past either, so I think he understands when I don’t want to talk about it.
Isabel has been the sweetest. She came up to me on Sunday and told me “I want you to know that I really do care about you. Screw the fact that we just met, but you are going to be one of my best friends okay?”
I could barely see. So I just nodded.
Anyways, back to Monday at school. Max was at my locker ever break we got between classes. Just ‘Checking up’ he called it. Everytime I saw him standing by my locker, my heart gave a little pang of love, as I tried not to drown in his soulful, beautiful eyes as he looks into my boring, plain brown eyes.
I’m not good enough for him. I’ll never be good enough for him. How could he even like Ugly Girl? He is just being nice to the poor wittle girl who was beaten by her daddy.
I try to tell myself that none of that is true, but that doubt never leaves me, and I sink back into my depressed state. I just want to be good for him. I just want someone to love me.
In Biology I am silent. Max keeps looking over at me, with a concerned look, but I keep my head in the opposite direction.
I don’t know why I want to keep crying so much. I never used to cry. Ever.
That’s why you are now, fat ass. It’s all catching up with you now.
For about the billionth time this week, my eyes whelm up with tears. Except this time I am at school, in Biology, sitting next to Max.
Max will probably shoot himself if he sees me cry again.
I raise my hand and ask if I can use the restroom. I grab my things and rush out of the classroom, into the bathroom. Right now I don’t even care who saw me do that. I just need to cut myself. Relieve this pain.
I sit on the toilet in a stall, and I pull out a very small, framed picture of my mother.
I hate you. You left me when I needed you, now I hope you feel my pain.
I step on her picture, breaking the frame. I pick up each piece carefully, making sure to get them all, and put them in my backpack. I grabbed one piece that looked the sharpest and put it to my thigh, cutting deeply. More deeply than I had expected and I let out a little yelp of pain. But that yelp was soon covered by a smile when I saw the blood appear. I smile, with tears in my eyes. The tears that are spilling over my face, mixing in with my blood. But I am still smiling.
Call me a fuck up for liking it…Oh wait, I already am a fuck up.
This is when I hear the bathroom door open. “Liz? Liz are you here?” I here Isabel say.
I quickly pull up my pant legs and put the glass in my bag, and just sit there.
“Liz,” I hear here on the other side of my stall. “Liz, I know you are in there, please come out.” She asks me gently.
I get some toilet paper off the roll and try blotting my eyes, but my vision is still blurry.
“Liz, please. Please let me help you.”
I look down and put my head in my lap. All of a sudden I hear my stall door open, and there is standing Isabel.
I thought I locked that door. I thought wildly.
“Oh Liz, I am so sorry. But please don’t shut us out, we can help you.”
And I wonder how they can, even though I already know the answer.
She grabs my arm gently, and I stand up, my stubborness leaving me momentarily.
“How’a ‘bout we wait until class is over, and then we head to lunch. You hungry? ‘Cause I know I am.” And I smile, which makes her smile.
“Okay.” I say wiping my eyes.
We sit in the bathroom for another 15 minutes, mostly in silence. A comfortable silence. She is holding on to my hand tightly. I decide to break the silence.
“You and Max close?”
“Yes, we are. Very close. He’s helped me get through some rough times. He is the best brother anyone could ever ask for.”
I try to ignore the envy that comes within me.
You are such a bitch Parker! Getting jealous of her by the little statement she made!
I swallow my pride deeply and know that I should not be jealous of her, even though I am.
“He likes you, you know Liz.” Isabel tells me suddenly.
“He does, I can see it in him…And in you.” She smiles shyly.
“No one likes me Isabel.” I tell her firmly, disregarding anything she told me. “No guy likes me, nor could they ever. I am too ugly.”
That’s right Ugly Girl, for once you’re thinking straight.
“Oh Liz, you’re not-“ She began.
“That’s the bell.” I tell her quickly standing up. I feel the pain in my leg from the glass earlier. It brings me back to reality that THIS is ME.
Lunch is quiet. Well, I am the only quiet one. None of the others seem to know anything, but they wondered where I had went in Biology. But they don’t ask me, I think Isabel might have told them to keep their mouth shut.
Max is looking at me the entire lunch which is making me more than uncomfortable.
I can’t eat with him watching me! Like he wants to see a fatty stuff her face like I do.
I suddenly don’t feel very hungry, and put my food down.
After school when driving home, Max asks me if everything was okay. He wondered why I rushed out of Biology.
Isabel beat me to the answer.
“Everything is fine Max.” I see a stare beneath her hazel eyes.
“Okay, Iz.” He tells her nervously, shutting up the rest of the ride home.
Yes, everything is fine.…It’s always fine.
I am fine.
Yeap, that is me. I am FINE
[ edited 1 time(s), last at 7-Jul-2002 12:26:39 PM ]
|posted on 7-Jul-2002 11:25:33 PM by Coley|
|I just want to thank you all for all the feedback, thank you so very much.|
The reason why I know the feelings and depth to Liz's cutting, is because I am a self harmer, and I have had issues like this with my father, so this is my therapy, and way out of the real world I guess..Been self injurying myself for almost 8 months now.....Still haven't found my Max yet!
Anyways, mostly everything I write in Liz's thoughts are my thoughts within this character.
Take care of y'all.
|posted on 13-Jul-2002 10:36:48 AM by Coley|
|hi all, sorr I havent been around at all|
I dont know when the next part will be...ive had no time to write because I was in the hospital Monday night for umm...Trying to overdose on Medication...It wasn't a suicide attempt I promise you that but I have been spending some time at my grandpa's
THank u for all your bumps and concern. It really means a lot to me
Im doing real good right now and hopefully I wont have to be at my grandpas anymore and I can stay home and write the nexxt part to my fic!
big hugs all around
|posted on 19-Jul-2002 1:30:13 PM by Coley|
|THANK YOU SOOO MUCH FOR ALL THE BUMPS!!!!!|
You don't have to wait any longer!
Title: Ugly Girl
Author: Coley, me
Sorry it has been so long since I have updated this I really apologize. When I got out of the Hospital, I was not allowed on the computer for a good while, and then I just had no heart to write…But I am back, and I hope you like this new part!
When we get to their house, I go upstairs to Max’s room with him. I don’t really want to talk, actually I know I don’t want to talk, and I think Max knows this.
I hope he knows this.
I sit down on his bed and I yawn. I am quite sleepy, and taking a nap will probably do me some good.
“Liz, I won’t ask you anything to make you uncomfortable, but know…always know I am here for you…I want to help you and I am not going to leave you…” He grabs my hand and gives it a gently squeeze.
I hadn’t even realized I was crying until I felt him reach over and wipe my tears with his hand.
“It’s okay now Liz…You are safe with me.” He tells me looking me in the eyes. I find myself looking back and once again getting lost in those eyes.
I smile and blush, so I put my head down, embarrassed. I lift my head back up and I almost stop breathing. Max is looking at me…At my body…My leg. My jeans.
“Liz, you are bleeding.”
Is that a tear in his eye?
I stand up quickly, and I try to ignore the sudden loss of his warm. “I am fine Max, it is nothing.”
“It is not nothing Liz. You are bleeding and I saw you bleeding that one day in Biology. What is going on? Please tell me…You have to tell me!”
He’ll hate you if you do it…Don’t do it dammit!
“I told you it is nothing Max, it is not your concern.” My guard is coming back up.
“It is my concern, YOU are my concern! Please, I won’t be mad, just let me help you.” He gets down on his knees to look at my jeans, and I back away, fear in my eyes.
“No, stop!” He stops abruptly and stands up, regret in his eyes.
“I’m sorry Liz…I didn’t mean to- “
I turn around and run into his bathroom, shutting the door. Tears once again flow from my pathetic eyes and I know I can never leave this bathroom. I can’t face him.
I sit down on the toilet and grab the razor in the shower, putting it to my wrist.
damn my father…damn my mother.
I hear the door squeak open, and I know that I never locked the door.
Part of me wonders if I did that so Max would come in here and save me from myself…
“Oh god Liz what are you doing!?” He runs to me and throws the razor out of my hand.
“God Liz, why are you hurting yourself? Why…god…Liz…w…what are you doing to yourself? Why!”
I told you he’d hate you! But do you listen to me? Noooooo…
And before I can think I start to yell at him.
“Because I like the pain okay! Because I’d rather feel a razor cut me open rather than feel or remember my father! Any pain is better than what I feel in this cold, black, fucking heart of mine! This keeps me going! I am doing it because I deserve it! It’s the only remotely beautiful thing on me! So that’s why!
He starts to cry, and falls to the side of the wall. I know I have stopped breathing for sure…God I was so stupid to yell at him…
“Max, I am…I’m so sorry…I didn’t…I…mean to yell at you…” My body is taken over by uncontrollable sobs.
“It’s okay Liz. Please don’t apologize, you needed to get this out. But.” He stops and pauses, taking a deep breath. “But I don’t want you to hurt yourself. I just can’t see how you could hurt something so beautiful. You are beautiful Liz.”
This time I don’t want to think and I fall to the ground pulling him as tight to me as I possibly can. No one has ever called me that before. God…I can’t let go of him.
“No one’s ever said that about-“
“That is because they are blind.” He tells me looking me in the eye. It is as if I can see him speaking through this heart. He means this!
I do what my heart, body and mind wants to, I press my lips firmly to his…
I am more that shocked at what his next move is…
[ edited 1 time(s), last at 19-Jul-2002 1:33:41 PM ]
|posted on 24-Jul-2002 5:05:58 PM by Coley|
|Thank you for all your BUMPS...Sorry it is taking me so long but I am in WRITER'S BLOCK HELL!|
GRRR!!! lol I am sure you've all been there
I am half way through the next part so I am HURRYING!
thanks again for all your wonderful feedback!
|posted on 28-Jul-2002 1:13:58 PM by Coley|
|Title: Ugly Girl|
Author: Me, Coley
Okay quick question...How to I edit my title to show that I have a new part updated? I've tried to do that and it doesn't work! Dammit! lol
He grabs the back of my head, and gently brings our lips closer, only to pull back.
With tears in my eyes, I tell him “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have. “ I start to pull away from him, even though I never want to leave his arms, but he grabs me and pulls me back to him.
“Liz, I need to talk to you, there is something I need to tell you, please. Follow me in the bedroom?” I stand up shakily and walk into his bedroom, my heart pounding at what he is about to tell me.
He sits me on his bed, and kneels down in front of me. I can feel my body go cold, but heat up at the same time.
He coughs a few times, and I smile. he’s nervous…but why is he nervous?
“It isn’t that I don’t want to kiss you. I do…more than anything. But I want you to be ready, I would never take advantage of you.” At this, he pulls me into a strong hug, and I feel content. For once I am not crying, and I don’t dare ask why he would want to kiss me, fearing I would wake up from a dream. I lay back on his bed, yawning and Max goes to sleep down on the ground. “No. Max, please, I don’t want to be alone right now.” He nods his head and pulls back the blankets for me. After I am tucked in, he lays down; on top of the covers. what a gentlemen
“I am sorry Max, I am so sorry for tonight. For everything I’ve done.”
“Liz, you have nothing to be sorry about. We are going to get you help, and we can talk more tomorrow, okay? I know you are exhausted and I want you to get some good rest tonight.”
I sigh. “Okay Max, goodnight, and thank you.”
He pulls me to him. “Thank you.”
In the morning, all three of us get ready in silence. A comfortable silence. Max stays in his room most of the morning and Isabel is as usual using the bathroom. I sit in the kitchen with my hands on my head with my eyes closed wondering what the hell has been going on with me. One minute I am cutting myself, the next I am kissing Max. Then I go from being happy to be extremely sad. It is all so confusing, I just want out of it.
I think sadly to myself Would they really miss me if I was gone?
My thoughts are interrupted by Max coming into the kitchen. He smiles at me warmly, and I smile slightly, feeling uncomfortable.
He is the first to speak. “Liz, Sunday my parents are coming home and we will talk to my dad then, okay? All three of us need to enjoy this weekend, but we are going to have to talk okay? Just get everything out on the table…Is that alright?”
Umm no of course it isn’t! I don’t want to talk to anyone about my so called “Problem”.
Ugh, I swear I have six voices in my head.
“Uhh…Sure that’s fine.”
“Iz!! Come on, let’s go!” Max yells.
“Coming, coming, coming!” She says coming down the stairs smiling.
We get in the jeep, and Max and Isabel are talking. I am in my own thoughts, thinking about the usual, how much I want to hurt myself right now. And I am not really even very sad, I just want to see the blood.
You are so fucking sick, I don’t even want to listen to you
I sigh and lay my head against the back, wishing this day away quickly.
When we get to school, Isabel and Max head over to meet the gang. They insist I come, but I tell them I have to go to my locker and get my things. Max looks at me suspiciously, and I find myself feeling naked, while standing there. I don’t like when he looks at me like that. I walk off, back into my own thoughts but I am once again interrupted by a voice.
“Well, if it isn’t Liz Parker, The Charity Case. You think you are one of them now, huh? Just wait and see when they show their true colors.” This is Pam Troy, the bitch of Roswell High. Everyone hates her, yet she is somewhat popular.
I try to ignore her voice and grab my book in my locker. But then I stare at my hand, because it is shaking. I am shaking.
No, Liz of course that isn’t true, Isabel and Max would never do that to you. They brought you into their home, comforted you when you needed it. The rational side of me told me.
Or would they? The irrational side of me told me as well. Here you are, telling them your deepest darkest secrets, and do they say anything about themselves? Nope.
But what about-
No buts. You know what’s true.
It’s these fucking voices in my head that get me to be what I am right now.
I cannot deal with this. I close my locker and I go the back way out of school.
I need to go somewhere, somewhere familiar. Somewhere comforting.
There isn’t anything comforting in this town.
I ignore the voice that quietly whispers to me Except Max.
So I walk, walk away from my comfort. Walk to the only place I know.
Okay guys I am leaving in three days so I tried to make this part a little longer. I will be gone for a week so I am sorry to say I won’t be able to update until then. I know I am leaving it at a cliffhanger, but I am not doing it to leave you hanging I swear! I just don’t know what I want to happen next! Love you all and I hope you enjoy!
[ edited 1 time(s), last at 28-Jul-2002 1:14:50 PM ]
|posted on 28-Jul-2002 4:49:21 PM by Coley|
|Okay a quick little thing...I am going to Hawaii for a week! (YAY) so when I come back I will write LOTS AND LOTS okay?|
And second here is a little spoiler...Isabel and Max ARE NOT bad people but I will explain why Pam said that...In the next part!
|posted on 8-Aug-2002 5:53:44 PM by Coley|
|Title: Ugly Girl|
Author: Me, Coley
I was walking to the only place I ever knew, my home. The home that frightened mne. The home that I'd been beat so many times. The home that never deserved the title "Home"...Why I was going back to it, I'll never know. Maybe a part of me hoped my father would be here, and this time he'd kill me...Take me out of my misery. Another maybe hoped that I'd just get hurt, real bad...Just to feel pain. Another reason, maybe because in some sick way, I missed my home...I missed the pain.
I walk to my front door, and stand there listening for noises. The T.V was not on, and I heard no snoring.
He is either no here or he is dead.
I take a huge risk and I walk into my house, holding my breath until I was all the way in. It smelt of beer and cigarettes.
I walk into my bed room, and I sit on my bed and grab the only other comforting thing I have, besides Max...My teddy bear...I call her Gin...She's always protected me after HE would attack me. It never left me, and I would never leave her.
I get an eerie feeling that I won't be home alone long, and I decide I need to get out of here, the quicker, the safer. I look at the clock and realize I spent half the day, just sitting her...It felt like ten minutes. Things are so hazy these days.
Stepping outside the door, I remember I have to work today, so I quickly walk to the Crashdown.
I think about Max and Isabel, and wonder if what Pam said was true.
Are they really like that?
They can't be...I know it...I love...I well, I love Max...There I said it...He said he'd never hurt me. He wouldn't...He couldn't.
So did your father and look where THAT got you!
I wipe a single tear that falls down my cheek and curse at myself for once again being such a failure.
I get to the Crashdown and go put my Uniform on. Work is slow, one old lady about 150 drinking a cola. I walk around like a zombie, as if I were dead...I feel dead.
The doorbell chimes and I look up to see those beauitful eyes, those beautiful eyes I love, staring at me. I gasp when he walks over to me.
"Liz, where the hell did you go today!? I was scared out of my fucking mind!" I almost hear anger in his voice.
Max just cursed. At me. I am dirt.
"I...I-" I don't know what to say, I can't tell him I went to my house. He already hates me enough probably. I can't look at him and I run to the back room. He follows me and spins me around by my arm.
"Liz, I'm sorry I got angry, but...You can't do that to me, I was so worried about you...I...I thought something happened to you, and I couldn't live with myself if something did...Are you okay?"
Am I OKAY? No! Why does he care about me? I just want to scream that at him. He should hate me like everyone else in this world.
"I am fine Max, and I am sorry. I just, I had to get out of there..." I walk back into the Cafe and I finish my sentence.
Deep breaths...In and out...In and out.
"Pam Troy...She uh...She said something and well, I believed her and so I left...I'm sorry." I look down.
"What did that bi...what did she say to you?"
"She said that-" My words are cut off by at someone yelling my name.
"Lizzie where the hell did you go!?! I've been looking for you forever you little whore! You are going to get it now!"
Before I and Max can react, My father pulls out a gun. The last thing I hear is a fire before I hit the ground...
|posted on 11-Aug-2002 4:09:17 PM by Coley|
|Title: Ugly Girl|
Thanks for the feedback and thanks for voting for it!!!!!!
Pain. I feel pain. I feel the cold surface beneath my back. I feel someone pouring from my body.
What the hell is going on?! Where am I? What’s happening to me!
I’ve been shot! Somebody help me! I don’t want to die! I can’t die, I can’t leave Max. Please, somebody don’t leave me here bleeding!
I feel my eyes start to close, and I know this is my end. The end of my short, pathetic life.
I never made love. I was never loved. At least I got to love somebody. Max
My heart aches for Max. I don’t want to leave him. Oh how I love him so much. I wanted him to love me too. I start to cry, which is a horrible idea because my body is shaking, and it feels as if I can actually feel the bullet moving around inside me with every sob I cry.
I hear a voice. The voice I love. The voice that kept me alive so many times. The voice that I will no longer be able to hear.
No, please, God don’t take me yet. I can’t die like this.
“Liz…Liz…You have to look at me…Liz! Baby, please, look at me!” I hear him cry.
I feel so sleepy though.
“No, No, No Liz don’t close your eyes! Look at me, please. Please, please you can’t leave me. I love you Liz, don’t leave me!”
My eyes open, and I feel a surge of something warm come into my body. And I see…I don’t know how to describe them…Flashes. Flashes of my childhood. Flashes of Max’s childhood. As if I were watching a movie. A movie that is being fast forward.
Max coming out of what looks like a slimy hole. A younger Isabel next, then another boy, and a little girl…With blonde curly hair.
I see Max on the first day of school, with his little sister. I see him moving and changing things with his hand.
I see me. I see my mother leaving. My father drinking. My father hitting me countless times. They are flying through my mind. My father attacking me, almost raping me. The first time I cut myself.
And I feel pain and heartache. My pain and heartache. Max’s pain and heartache. I feel the feeling of me not wanting to live, but wanting to live more than anything. I feel Max. I feel him as if he were inside me. As if we connected.
And most of all…I feel. Love…His love, Max’s Love. For me. Begging for me to live. Not to let go.
As soon as all these flashes come, they are gone, and I close my eyes.
Am I dead? Did I die?
“Liz…Liz!” I hear a voice.
Is that God?
“You are fine now. Y..You’re alive, please open your eyes.” It sounded as if this person was convincing themselves of this, not me.
I’m alive? What?! I open my eyes, to see Max looking back at me, in tears.
“You are okay, you are safe.” The next thing I feel is Max grabbing me and pulling me to him. I breathe in his scent.
What the fuck just happened? I push that question out of my mind, and focus on Max, hugging me as if his life depended on it. And I begin crying, for reasons I don’t know. I am sobbing into his shoulder, and he is sobbing into mine.
“What happened? M…Max wasn’t I shot?”
“Shhh, Liz let’s get you back to my house and we will talk then okay?”
“But…what…what about work? Did anyone see me? See my dad come in?”
“Liz, No one was here but me. I need to get you home, now.”
I try to get up and I can’t even move. I feel paralyzed. Max lifts me up and carries me out of the crashdown, and into his jeep. I don’t even know what is going on, I can barely take anything in. He buckles me in and jumps in the jeep and guns the engine. He holds on to my hand the whole way there, never letting go. I am too weak to do anything else, but I can feel his warmth on me. I just stare at him. His eyes are still watering. So are mine.
We get to his house, or what appears to be his house and he comes around to my side and picks me up once again. I still can’t move, my body is so sore, in a numbing way.
I come into contact with a soft surface beneath me; Max’s Bed. He pulls the covers back and gets into bed next to me. I register, barely that we are both under the covers, at the same time.
“God Liz,” be begins. He is touching me everywhere, as if he were searching for something. “Are you okay? Does anything hurt? God I thought I lost you. I am so sorry, god Liz…I can’t lose you. Ever.”
What is he talking about? My voice is weak when I reply. “Mmmy back hurts, really bad. I feel numb, a paralyzing feeling. I…I can’t move my body.” My ears tear up. “What happened to me?”
“What happened to me? I…I’m so sorry Max. I remember that I ditched school today, and you were mad at me…I’m so sorry.” I am staring up at the ceiling because I can’t move my body.
“Shh, Liz I am going to protect you. I should have done something sooner. I should have left school when I found out you were gone. This is all my fault.” He is hugging me, sobbing into my neck.
“What is your fault? God Max, I…I don’t feel well…I feel…so cold.” He gets up and runs into the other room, no saying one word to me where he is going.
I start screaming. I see it, I see it all. My father on top of me, him coming into the crashdown, him and his gun…I was shot! I can’t stop screaming and I am now moving my body. My body is shaking in Max’s bed.
Seconds later, which feel like an eternity Max runs back into his bedroom with a huge blanket in his hands.
“Liz, god Liz what’s wrong?” He runs back to the bed and gets on it, holding me close. I put my arms around him, hugging him, because my life DOES depend on it.
“He attacked me…He was on top of me…He was going…Oh Max, he was going to…And then he was there…And you were there…And then I saw his gun, and I heard a gunshot. And…t…then you were above me…And then I felt these…emotions…my emotions…Your emotions…why did I feel you?…and then I saw these things. I saw you, and three little kids…I saw me…I....I what is going on?”
“Liz, there is something I need to tell you. Something that will change your life. But not right now. Now you need to sleep.” He pulls the hair back from my forehead and kisses it. I weakly wrap my body around him, my head in his side. “Thank you Max…For whatever you did today. Thank you. I don’t know what is going on, but you saved me. You saved me…from my dad…I would be dead right now. I thought I wanted to die, but when I was hit with almost death, I realized…I realized I couldn’t die…I couldn’t leave you…Isabel…” I pause for a moment before continuing. “I don’t know why I am telling you this, but I want you to know Max…I need you to know, you saved me, from everything I was slowly dying from. Thank you.” A tear slips from my eye and I try to swallow the huge lump in my throat.
God, I love him so much, please don’t take him away from me.
“Liz, there is so much I need to tell you, how I feel about you. So much, but my sweet angel, you need to sleep.” He pulls me closer, and my eyes drift shut into a deep, beautiful sleep.
I’ve never slept like that.
Max Evans is my heart, soul, destiny.
|posted on 13-Aug-2002 5:58:24 PM by Coley|
|Title Ugly Girl|
Title: Ugly Girl
Author: Me, Ugly Girl
I know this is short but I will keep writing tonight and I might post a second part...
I woke up from my sleep, feeling slightly refreshed. My eyes were blurry and I felt funny, but better than yesterday. Sure as hell better than yesterday because I didn’t have a bullet in me.
What the hell happened to me? I want answers, now.
Max was still laying beside me sleeping. I didn’t want to disturb him, but I needed to know.
What exactly is Max?
“Max…Max, wake up…I need to talk to you. Now.” My voice was urgent.
“Mm…Liz is that you? Are you okay?” He flew up from the bed.
“Yes I am fine, but I need to talk to you. About what happened to me yesterday. About what you did to me. What…exactly did you do to me Max? Why am I here, alive? With no bullet in me…I know I was shot. I felt it. I saw you above me, and I saw you…When you were younger. And I…I…I saw me, it was like..like flashing through my mind, but I could feel it through out my body.”
I was blabbering.
“Tell me Max, I need to know. Please.” I begged him.
“I don’t really know how to say this Liz. I don’t know how to say this without you most likely hating me. Or being disgusted with me. But I am going to tell you, I am going to tell you because I want you to know. I’ve always wanted you to know. I’m…” He cleared his throat.
“I am not from around here.” He began.
|posted on 20-Aug-2002 8:15:35 PM by Coley|
I really do apologize if my fic is going to pot...I know this part is probably really bad and I am sorry for it...I am really trying to get out of this rut I am in writing it! I am going to try to write some later tonight and hopefully have a new part up again in a few days. Thanks for the feedback!
“I am not like people. I am…not from this world.”
I sit here on his bed, in my pajamas, dumbfounded. What the fuck?
“I don’t understand…”
“Liz, I’m not Human.”
Ha! He is playing jokes! He is trying to be funny! Hahahahahaha. But this ISN’T a time to be making jokes dammit!
“Max, look I am being serious, I want to know what happened to me. Stop lying to me.” I find myself getting angry.
“I’m not lying Liz. I’m…I am not human. Neither is Tess, Isabel or Michael. We came out of these pod like things when we were six…Well we looked six. Isabel and I were found on the side of the road by the Evans, our adopted parents. Michael and Tess were taken to an orphanage. Tess lives with Ed Harding and Michael lives on his own. His foster father was an asshole so he got legally emanipated when his dick of a father O.D on drugs and died. I don’t know what else to say…” He looked down as if expecting the worse.
This cannot be happening. How can Max not be human? I finally fell in love and he’s not even human!
Liz don’t think like that, he is the still same Max…He saved your life!
“I…Max, I…this is so confusing, I need to lay down.” I feel myself swaying and before I collaspse, Max catches me. Instantly we are connected. I once again feel all of Max, all his pain, how scared he is of revealing himself. Rejection. Knowing he isn’t like other people. How much he wants to be human.
I open my eyes, and he is staring into mine. I see him. The Max I love, he hasn’t changed. The Max that loves me.
I can see the pain through his eyes, of me not accepting him. Both his eyes and mine fill up with tears during this remarkable connection. I trust my heart to lead the way, and I press my lips to his. He kisses me back, presses his body as close to mine as he possibly can. I can’t believe this is happening to me, Ugly Girl. How could he want to kiss somebody like me?
“Because you are the most beautiful person I know.” I hear him say to me, pressing his forhead to mine looking at me with pure…love.
“I…what did you say? How did you…”
“We connected, I don’t know how I heard your thoughts, but I did. Liz, you are anything but ugly. I am the one wondering how I deserve you. When I thought I lost you…” He looks away, and takes a deep breath. “I didn’t know how I could live without you. I feel this pull to you, and I can’t deny it anymore. I need you Liz, I want you, more than I’ve ever wanted something in my life.” He presses his lips to mine, and I warmly welcome them. My vision is blurred from the tears in my eyes, but all I know is that Max is here…With me…Because he wants to be…He cares about me, and he knows the real me…And I know the real him. And it doesn’t scare me because Max Evans is special.
“Max, I need to tell you something.” I take a deep breath…
This is my moment of truth.
“I love you. I love you so much it scares me, but you give me something I’ve never had…Love…Real love. You saved me so many times. Saved me from my father, myself. Life. I…I don’t know why you think I am worth it, but I won’t object, because I need you. And when I was laying on that cold floor, all I could think was ‘don’t let me leave Max.’ because I wanted to have a life with you. I wanted to see your eyes. I wanted to see your smile once again. I never wanted to be without that. I never want to be without it. I don’t care who or what you are, all I know is that I want you to be mine.”
I stop talking and I just pray…pray to whoever is willing to listen
Please don’t deny me now Max.
He pulls me close, pressing his perfect lips to mine. I never want to stop kissing him. He smells so good, and his body fits so perfect next to mine. God I love him.
He is massaging his tounge with mine and I am biting his lower lip playfully. He is holding my face in his hands and my arms are wrapped around his neck.
I pull him over to the bed and I push him down onto it, landing on top of him. I feel his arousal beneath my stomach and I shudder.
That is for me.
“Please tell me I’m not dreaming Max…Tell me this is real.”
He runs his hand down my face slowly and gently, staring at my lips, then my eyes. “You are not dreaming Liz. This is as real as it gets. Now, hush up and give me some more of that.” He grins and me and cups my bottom, pulling me up closer to his mouth, taking mine to his. I start to remove my shirt, not even caring how far I want to go with him, but he stops me.
“Liz…” He growls painfully. “Before this goes any further, we must stop. I want it to be special the first time we make love. It will be perfect.” He kisses me lightly and pulls me to the side of him, wrapping his arms around me.
“God I love you Liz.”
And I sigh. Life is good for a change for this instant anyways. “I love you too Max”
|posted on 22-Aug-2002 6:00:12 PM by Coley|
“So Max, show me how to change your boxers from blue to black!” I squeal, winking at him.
“Liz, I’ve already changed my hair, my eye color, and I painted my toes for you!” He growls playfully before running over to me, picking me up.
“Max! Put me down before you break your back! I’m too heavy” A part of me still can’t let go to my insecurity.
“You, my love, are perfect.”
“Oh you big chesseball.” I say rolling my eyes, kissing him before he starts talking again.
This is when Max’s mother decide to come into Max’s room.
“Max, we are home honey…oooh!” I hear his mother scream.
Max looks up, and I figured he was going to drop me, so I was prepared, but he just pulled me closer to him. “Hi mom! Welcome home.”
I wrestle out of his arms, completely humiliated. I was fully clothed, but Max was in his boxers. And there was his mother right there and Max didn’t even flinch!
He must have so many girls in his room that his mother is used to it I thought bitterly.
I find myself tearing up, knowing that I am probably not Max’s first. I choke back my tears and cough.
“Hi Mrs. Evans.” I try to say smiling. “I am Liz Parker.” She reaches her hand out to mine, and I shake it. “It’s so nice to meet you, I’ve heard a lot about you.” She smiles warmly.
Yeah, I bet she’s heard a lot about a lot of girls.
Anger is built up in me, and I know this is the last place to explode.
“I’m just going to go…I have to be at work in twenty minutes.”
I practically run out of Max’s room, leaving both a very confused Max and his mother. And before Max can stop me.
I run down the stairs and exit the front door, running down the street. There is no way in hell I am going to work, not after what just happened. I walk to a nearby park and sit down on the bench and recognize this is where I came the night my father attacked me.
I cringe at this thought and stand up immediately looking around.
Don’t worry Liz, he isn’t here.
I sit back down and start to let my mind go wild.
Was I Max’s first? If not, how many other girls had he been with?
I can’t comprehend why I would be so upset about him not being a virgin. It’s not like I should be surprised. Someone that popular, that perfect could get any gal.
Then why is he with me? I’m nothing.
My negative thoughts come so easy to me. Especially when they are about me.
I pull my legs up to my chest on the bench and look around at the little kids swinging and playing on the monkey bars.
How I wish I could be a little kid right now. Forget about everything for one day.
I glance around when I see Max’s jeep stopping in front of me. I try to prepare myself for his yelling or his anger.
He gets out quickly walking towards me, his eyes never leaving mine.
This makes me uncomfortable and I turn away.
“Liz, why did you leave? My mom, you don’t have to worry about her. She knows the situation between us. She is completely fine with it, she just wants to help you.”
I stand up, thinking bitterly. “Or is it just that she’s used to seeing strange girls in your room all the time.”
“What?” I see his hurt.
Fuck me. I am so god damn pathetic.
“I’m…Max I’m sorry. It is none of my buisness how many girls you have been with in your room.” I turn around and start to walk away, feeling like such an ass.
“What is that supposed to mean Liz? You think I’ve shacked up with all these girls, don’t you?”
“I don’t know Max, I’m sorry okay!” I let out a frustrated sigh.
“It’s just that you could get any girl you want…I don’t know why you chose me. I’m nothing Max. You could do so much better than me.”
“Liz. You are anything but nothing. I didn’t fall in love with someone who is nothing. I don’t save someone who is nothing. You are everything to me. There isn’t anything better than you.”
And I’m crying. And I am pulling myself to him, crying.
“I’m sorry Max…I didn’t mean,”
“Shhh, you don’t apologize anymore. I am not upset so don’t you worry.”
We stand there, hugging and I hear him whisper into my ear
“And by the way, I have never been with anyone.”
|posted on 30-Aug-2002 12:37:08 AM by Coley|
|Ugly Girl |
“Liz, no more apologizing okay?…No more.”
I know I need to tell Max why I am the way I am, but will he accept me after he hears it?
“Max, I need to tell you something. You will probably hate me, but, I need to tell you…I need you to understand me. Please, sit down.”
He doesn’t say anything but sits down, and I begin. I take a slow, deep breath.
“I know that I can go from being so happy, to just, depressed, and I hate myself for that. And I talk so negatively about myself, because I hate myself Max, I really do. I feel like I am such a horrible person…I feel like I deserve all the pain I’ve been put through. My mom left me, left with another man. She loved this person more than she loved me, she chose him over me. And I was so little. I tried to be all they wanted me to be. And when my mom left, that is when my father became violent. He was always saying how fat, and how stupid I was. Once someone that you love tells you that over and over, you start to believe it, you know?…I believed it, and I still do. All I wanted out of life was to be, important to somebody. But that was too much to ask for, because no one ever loved me. They turned away from me. God how awful of I person I must be…” Tears come to my eyes and I take another deep breath, needing to continue, needing to tell him everything about me.
“When he would hit me, I thought ‘I am not being a good daughter, that is why he does this’ or that he was drunk and didn’t mean it. I don’t know when I realized different. It was like I grew so used to the name calling, the bruises, the hitting, that it wasn’t anything new to me. It wasn’t unexpected, it was just another part of my day. As sick as it sounds, it became almost my comfort. I kept going back to it, because it’s all I know. I don’t know what it’s like to be loved, and have emotions. I blocked my emotions out because I knew if I started to show who I really was, I’d only hate myself more. I know he did wrong, he is to blame. I know this, but I just can’t convince myself of it. I am so used to blaming myself for it all…” I start sobbing and I put my arms around my waist protectively. “It’s the only thing I know…If there isn’t hurt in my life, then my life feels out of control. It feels unfamiliar, and I can’t deal with that. That is why I hurt myself…And I am sick because it feels good to me. It’s pain. Pain is what I know. Pain is all I know…So is just so much of me, that I’ve hid for so long, I don’t even know how to be anymore. I am what people want me to be. They don’t see, and I don’t let them see the horrible person I really am. I’ve been rejected enough. I don’t show my true self to people, because I know they’ll reject me. I’m so sorry for bringing you into this. You deserve so much better than me, Max. I am not good news. And I am sure you are going to hate me, because now you know the real me, but I am prepared. It’s okay that you don’t want me Max, it’s really okay.”
I wait for his reply, and I know that if he walks away from me, I will die. But do I say this? Can I say this? No.
“Liz, I could sit here all day and tell you what I want to say, but I am going to say only this. I am going to show you, Liz Parker that you ARE capable of being loved, and you will never doubt that again. I don’t know how long that will take, but I am going to show you…And I will never give up until you know it’s true.”
He pulls me to him and says “Don’t ever be afraid to be you. And I don’t hate you, I never will. I am not going to give you up without a fight you are stuck with me.”
Why does he always find the perfect thing to say to me? How am I so lucky? God I don’t deserve him, but thank you…thank you for giving him to me.
|posted on 20-Sep-2002 7:51:44 PM by Coley|
|Title Ugly Girl|
Author Me, Coley
Okay guys it has been forever since I have updated, and I want to apologize for not coming back and saying that I am O.K. I have a new part here, and I've had it for a while but have had no heart to post it because well, I feel like I have no heart...Just been going through some hard stuff...Issues with my dad, and the sexual abuse, so sometimes writing this fic is hard for me...But this fic is how I feel...One minute Liz may be feeling one thing, and the next thing she's feeling another...This is basically my life, just without the wonderful Max.
I am Ugly Girl, and I am showing who I really am, through this story...So I am just afraid that no one will like this, and then that shows that no one likes me. I don't want pity, but I have just been going through hell within myself. But today is my best friend's birthday so it put a big smile to my face
Anyways, thank you SO MUCH for all the bumping, and this next part isn't much, but it's for the Dreamer's Hearts.
Thank you all,
School and work has been more relaxed with Max by my side. Which he hardly ever leaves, but do I complain? Hell no. This is what I want. God I could just stay in his arms forever, my body just seems to mold perfectly to his. The feel of his hair, his eyes, his large hands that clasp over mine. Even his scent travels with me everywhere.
He comes to work with me at the Crashdown after school everyday. It still creeps me out knowing I almost died there, but with Max there, it isn’t as rough. It’s been really busy there, which keeps my mind off…it. I am thinking of applying to a new job, because at night I still have nightmares. Maybe if I get a new job, they’ll stop? But Maria works there, and she and I get along real well, and it makes work a lot less complicated.
And the gang have been really nice to me, and I don’t think they are faking it. I hope they aren’t. I guess they all know about Isabel, Michael, Max and Tess not being from around here. Apparantly Kyle was shot last year and Max healed him. When I heard this it made my heart constrict with love. Max puts his life on the line to save someone, god could he get anymore perfect?
He even saved a nobody like you. I hear myself tell myself.
Yeah, about that…I have yet to be positive toward myself. When I say a negative comment about myself, Max always stops me. It bugs me, because I AM ugly and fat. Ugly Girl, remember? No, I haven’t forgotten about her, she is still very much with me. But, things have gotten a little better…Max has never left me, just like he said. And I trust that he won’t, at least for now…
His parents must be high because they aren’t even bothered that I am staying with them, IN Max’s room. Well, they don’t really know about me staying in his room, but…yeah…They are rarely home anyways, but when they are, I stay in Isabel’s room. It’s so lonely without Max’s arms around me, those are the nights I cry myself to sleep. Isabel is great, don’t get me wrong, infact I think we are best friends, more like sisters now. Sometimes when neither of us can sleep, she’ll use her powers to make us up. One night she glammed me up, I didn’t even recognize myself. I felt, pretty…for once… She took a picture, and I can’t wait to show Max.
I know, I am so hopelessly in love. If you got a problem with it, then you can fuck off.
I am happy to report that my father was arrested. I don’t know how long he will be in jail for, but he can’t get near me anymore…at least for a while. I cried when I heard the news, in a way I was so happy, but a part of me was sad. It felt wrong turning him in. He’s my father.
Of course that is the voice of my little self, believing he was a good father to me.
Max could sense my sadness and that night we sat outside on his swing set and he told me, “Liz, you are sad about your father being arrested, aren’t you?”
I just nod my head. Words are too hard right now.
“I wish I could understand why, I hope they kill him in jail.” I hear anger in his voice, and he stops himself and takes a few moments before beginning again. “But that is beside the point. He can’t hurt you anymore Liz.”
“But Max, he can hurt me.” I tell him sadly. “He is always in my dreams, he never leaves me. I am attached to him, and I can’t rip the seam. I’m happy he’s in jail Max, don’t get me wrong. But a part of me feels like I am a horrible person for sending my father to jail, you know?”
He just nods his head and gets off his swing to kneel at my feet. “What he did to you Liz, that won’t go away for a long time, the pain will always be there. But over time, it will become less and less, I promise you it will. And about the dreams, we will talk to Isabel about that, she will have a cure.” He stops and starts to grin.
“Besides, we will just have to keep your mind off of those things. Now how can I do that?” He’s grinning ear to ear, puckering his lips.
I smile at this, and it’s a real smile. “Hmmm, I don’t know Mr. Evans. Maybe do a make over on you?” I wink as his puckered lips turn into a frown.
“Aww, no frowning now…I’ll just have to fix that, now won’t I?” I pull him up to me, and up to my lips. Our kiss is long, passionate and gentle. He starts to tickle my belly, and I giggle breaking the kiss.
“Hey! You slobered on me” He cries.
“Oh shut up you baby, you’re the one who tickled me! I couldn’t help it!”
“Well I guess it’s alright, you taste yummy.” He licks his lips.
“Whatever buddy.” I roll my eyes and grin, hopping up from the swing running into the house.
“Catch me if you can, Evans!” I squeal, and run into the house up the stairs.
I hear the thundering of his feet trying to catch me, and when he enters his bedroom, I am laying on his bed, my elbows proping me up.
“Wow Evans, you aren’t very fast you know.” I tilt my head back and say “I was almost asleep by the time you got up here.”
He slides over to me and puts one knee on the bed, leaning in to me to whisper in my ear “Well, I will just have to change that, now won’t I?” His lips crush against mine and I pull my arms around his neck bringing him closer.
|posted on 19-Oct-2002 1:48:42 PM by Coley|
|I know I haven't updated in....a month...things around here have been just really hard, and I have no motivation to write...which basically means I'm dead inside because I'm ALWAYS writing...|
thank you to everyone for bumping this for me, especially dream seeker...you guys are awesome, really.
I will really try to get out of this shit hole I am in...but I need some help as to where my fic should go...
what do YOU guys, the fans, want to happen?
Thank you guys, from the bottom of this thing I call...heart,
|posted on 10-Nov-2002 12:44:09 AM by Coley|
|WORKING ON A NEW PART RIGHT NOW! Can you believe it? Woah, I am so proud of myself! lol|
Don't know how good it'll be but it's something, right? I need you're guys help with how it should go...
Anyways thanks for the bumps! I love ya guys
|posted on 10-Nov-2002 12:57:35 AM by Coley|
|I’m tired. I want to sleep…I just want to sleep. It never seems to stay easier does it? I mean I go, and I go, and I go, but I never get anywhere. I try to smile, I try to work my way through this shit, I try to be happy. I try and I try and I try! But I never suceed!|
I feel as if my life is going nowhere. As if I am on a Merry-Go-Round that is doomed to break, but it just keeps spinning and spinning.
I guess the only good thing in my life right now is the fact that I am living on my own now. I have my own apartment, thanks to Mr. And Mrs. Evans. I miss Max so much at night time…It’s almost unbearable, especially when I have a nightmare. I have those so often, of my father. I wake up drenched in sweat. I usually end up calling him in the middle of the night, but I don’t want him to think I need him of every second of every day.
Even though I do.
Oh I am just so confused. Max thinks that I’m pulling away from him. Maybe I am. But he doesn’t need me like I need him. When he tries to kiss me I pull away. God I wish I never had to see that face again. That face of pure agony. He doesn’t know what to do. He’s helpless. I’m helpless. God I need him so much it scares me.
Everyday Max makes me say one good thing about me. Wanna know my answer everyday? My teeth.
I don’t deserve him…Okay so I’ve fucking said this over and over, but come on…YOU even know I don’t deserve him
I’m taking away the good guys in the world for the good girls.
Max doesn’t know how I feel about a lot of stuff. How much I hate myself. I’ve stopped cutting. But I rape myself on the inside. I think I have those nightmares everynight because I let myself have them. I want myself to pay for what’s been done. No one can understand that, so I’ll never say anything…just you.
I smile the most when I feel completely dead inside. I’m a human machine. School, work, homework, sleep. IF I get any. School, work, homework, sleep. All day 24/7.
The only thing I can feel is how much I love Max. That’s why I’m so scared. I don’t want to feel how much I love him, how much I always want him with me. Because I’ll be rejected and he’ll think I am some psycho. I can’t lose him, but I can’t let him know how much he means to me. I’ll only end up hurting him.
I just can’t let him know…
If I love him, I have to lose him…For his sake…I’m no good for him. I’m nothing without him.
I have to lose him.
I can’t have him.
I don’t own him.
I have to leave him.
…And I’ll be dead before that time comes…But it's what needs to be done.
I have to dump Max Evans, my life.
Was it as bad as I thought? Okay here is what I've decided is going to happen. Liz, at this point is living and breathing Max. Its become unhealthy, even though they both love eachother. She obviously doesn't think she is good enough, but she loves him.
What I want to happen is Max and Liz are going to take a break. A not very happy break. Liz will be more miserable than ever, as well as Max. But she needs a break to find HERSELF and not be attached so deeply to someone. Okay, I'm not making any sense am I?
Liz needs to find her identity. She is scared because she loves Max SO much, she doesn't know how to react to these feelings so she hides it. Which makes her come to the conclusion that she needs to get away from him. What she doesn't know is that she can't do it alone. That she DOES need help.
Okay, I am shutting up...Hope you like it, and I 'pologize for it stinkin'
|posted on 10-Nov-2002 1:24:14 AM by Coley|
|Dream Seeker, you completely made my night! Oh god I thought this fic had gone to shit.|
Thank you SO much for your everyday and constant bumping with my fic...It means so much to me that it touches your heart. I will definatly keep this fic going, even if it takes me a while...Tomorrow I will sit down again and I'll make a big part just for you. Thank you, for saying such kind words...Wow, now I am the one who wants to cry.