Category: The only couples who I make mention of are Max/Isabel and Max/Micheal.

Rating: PG-13, as all my work is.

Summary: This is supposed to be a parody to ‘Cry Out Your Name’.

Disclaimer: I don't claim ownership of any characters, songs or other things I used in writing this.

Author’s Note: This is my first try with parody, so lots of feedback would be appreciated. And don't laugh at me!!!

Also, some of these scenes suck, but I recommend 5-8. I think they turned out better than 1-4.
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PROMO:

Tonight on Roswell… we say goodbye to someone we love…or maybe not…so,yeah, watch Roswell.

TEASER

(Pacey and Joey are sitting on a dock, kissing.)

PACEY: I don’t want you to go.

JOEY: I have to.

PACEY: No.

JOEY: Yes.

PACEY: No!

JOEY: YES!

(The director, pulled from his Brendan Fehr sex fantasies, sees his mistake and cuts to theme song.)


SCENE ONE

(Opens with Kyle and Tess sitting on the Valenti’s couch, dozing while Alex shows them the 30th set of his travel slides.)

ALEX: And this is me with the Alps…Here’s one with just me…Just the Alps…Oh! Here’s another with me and the alps…Kyle? Tess? Are you listening?

KYLE: Huh? Wha- oh. You’re still here…Oh! Look at the time! I have to go…Tommie and Paulie…Yeah! That’s it! I have to go see Tommie and Paulie! Bye! (He runs as fast as he can out the door.)

TESS: Yeah. Me too. (Gets up to follow Kyle)

ALEX: Wait, Tess! Don’t go!

(Tess is hurriedly putting her coat on.)

ALEX: There’s more! Me skiing! SKIING!

(Tess is frantically looking for the car keys.)

ALEX: We’ll make popcorn! Maybe roast marshmallows in the microwave! Tess?

(Tess finds them. Grinning manically, she heads for the door.)

ALEX: (Picks up the sheriff’s pistol off the table) WATCH…MY…SLIDES! (Pulls the trigger.) Oh my God…I killed Tess!

SCENE TWO

(Micheal and Maria are sitting on a counter at the Crashdown, kissing.)

MARIA: I don’t want you to go.

MICHEAL: I have to.

MARIA: No.

MICHEAL: Yes.

MARIA: No!

MICHEAL: YES!

(A caption flashes at the bottom of the screen)

ARE WE SEEING A PATTERN HERE?

(Cut to Alex running frantically around the room.)

ALEX: What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do? WHAT AM I--- EEEEEEEEEE! (He screams like a little girl as Sheriff-excuse me- former Sheriff Valenti enters the room.)

ALEX: I…I… Somebody shot Tess!

VALENTI: Then why are you holding the gun?

ALEX: Umm…

VALENTI: Hey, it’s OK!

ALEX: What? Really?

(Valenti pats Alex on the back)

VALENTI: Yeah, as a matter of fact, I’ve thought about doing the very same thing several times. I’m just glad you got it over with.

ALEX: (looks relieved) Oh, OK.

VALENTI: I guess we’ll just have to pull the fake car accident to cover. Come on, We’ll use my car. Tess’s death and a free new car in the same day! Cha-CHING!

(Valenti punches the air in celebration as we fade out)

SCENE THREE

(Isabel is looking at some papers at the Crashdown, and falls asleep. Enter Tess.)

TESS: (Shaking Isabel’s arm) Isabel… Isabel, wake up!

(Isabel continues to sleep)

TESS: Isabel! ISABEL!

(You can see Katherine start to drool. Either she is a very good actress, or she has fallen asleep during a taping again.)

TESS: I didn’t want to do this, but… (leans over so she is right on top of Isabel’s head, whispers: ) FBI!

ISABEL: (Shoots up right away, knocking Tess over) Where?

TESS: (Near unconscious on the floor) …Pretty birdies…

ISABEL: Ohmygod, Tess! (Pause) Aren’t you supposed to be dead?

TESS: No, that was a mistake

ISABEL: Oh, that’s too bad…I mean, good! You’re alive!

TESS: Yeah. So, Max is hot…

ISABEL: (Had been discretely pinching her arm, trying to wake up. Now she begins banging her head against the table) Stop! You’re Dead! DEAD!!!

(Liz rushes over to Isabel, who seems to be giving herself a concussion)

LIZ: Isabel! Wake up!

ISABEL: (Still banging) No! Stop! Lea- oh, hi Liz! I’ll just be going.

(Picks up papers and runs for the door)

SCENE FOUR

(Valenti shakes Kyle from his first night’s sleep back in his own bed)

VALENTI: Wake up, son. It’s your birthday.

KYLE: Aww, dad, I was having the most wonderful dream. Tess died and I had sex- I mean I went to a movie with Pam Troy.

VALENTI: Good news. Tess is dead and you WHAT?!

KYLE: Never mind! I got school!

(He runs out the door, Barney Blanket and all.)

(Max, Micheal, Isabel and Kyle are all out on the football field.)

MAX: You know, I really expected more people to come.

(They all look over at the place where a card, a few flowers, and a bottle of Tabasco sauce sit. It looks more like litter than a memorial)

ISABEL: Yeah

KYLE: I kinda figured…

(The other three glare at him)

KYLE: I’m just sayin’!

(Cut to Liz and Maria in the Liz’s room.)

LIZ: What should I wear to the funeral?

MARIA: I don’t know. Something that says, ‘Hi Max, Tess is gone, so start worshiping me please!’

LIZ: (Runs to her closet and pulls out a black minidress) Like this?

MARIA: No! this is a day of celebration! No black!

LIZ: Oh. Ok!

SCENE FIVE

(Max is trying on a speedo for the upcoming swimming season. It’s hot pink and very revealing. He is modeling it for himself when there is a knock at the window. He shrieks and tries to cover himself. Liz lets herself in)

LIZ: Nice outfit, Max.

MAX: Thank you. I want to look hot for swimteam practices. Micheal will be there, you know.

LIZ: (raises eyebrows) You want Micheal to think you’re hot?

MAX: Why do you think I do pull-ups shirtless in here at night? To stay in shape?

LIZ: Well, yeah…Max, are you gay?

MAX: (Bursts into tears for the 50th time this season) I don’t know! I’m so confused. Sometimes, (Voice drops to whisper) Sometimes, I find myself attracted to Isabel.

LIZ: Isabel?! (She is obviously trying very hard not to laugh, throw up, or both.)

MAX: Never mind. Do you want something to eat?

LIZ: Well, I just finished puking in your bushes, but ok. What have you got?

MAX: Umm, this afternoon, Alex and I went out and bought a deathday cake.

LIZ: A deathday cake?

MAX: Yeah. It’s pink and sparkly, and says ‘Tess Harding, 1983-2001, We Hardly Miss Ye.’ We got the same inscription on her tombstone.

LIZ: Oh, ok.

(They go downstairs to get cake. They sit at the kitchen table, eating and talking about all the fun they had before Tess. The song ‘All You Wanted’ by Michelle Branch is playing, so we can’t hear them, which is probably a good thing since they are actually talking about how hot Josh Harnett is.)

SCENE SIX

(Everyone is out in the desert for Tess’s funeral. Nasedo has brought himself back from the dead for the occasion, and Kivar has come via granolith. Other dignified guests such as Darth Vader, E.T., and Marvin the Martian have also come to pay their respects.)

(Maria steps up to sing, and notices the piece of sheet music sitting on the podium.)

MARIA: (to Valenti) ‘Amazing Grace’? I can’t sing this for her!

VALENTI: What can you sing?

MARIA: Well… (gestures to the organist who begins to play)

DING DONG THE BITCH IS GONE
WHICH OLD BITCH
THE WICKED BITCH
DING DONG THE WICKED BITCH IS GONE!

(A whole chorus of Ewoks begins to sing along.)

(Max, Micheal, Alex, Kyle, Valenti, and Captain Picard of the Starship Enterprise take the coffin out of a hearse and lug it down the aisle. They dump it into a hole they dug earlier this morning. As they do so, Dr. Spock begins his eulogy.)

SPOCK: Tess was…how do I put this…Tess was a huge bitch who mindwarped everyone into liking her.

MAX: (Stands) Hear, hear!

SPOCK: She ruined everyone’s lives for no good reason.

MICHEAL: You tell em’, girlfriend!

SPOCK: Anyway, Live Long and Prosper.

SCENE SEVEN

(Liz walks through the Valenti’s house. As she moves through the kitchen, we hear Micheal and Isabel talking)

ISABEL: We could serve chicken.

MICHEAL: No, Maria doesn’t eat animals.

ISABEL: Potato Salad?

MICHEAL: Nope, Maria won’t eat anything that once grew, even a potato.

ISABEL: Pasta?

MICHEAL: Maria thinks it’s inhumane to grind wheat into flour.

ISABEL: What can we serve?

MICHEAL: Lots! Umm…er…you figure it out!

(Isabel turns red, and begins beating Micheal with a spatula. Liz continues to walk, next to the living room, where Alex and Kyle are playing a game on the computer.)

KYLE: Wow, Alex, this is really cool!

ALEX: Thanks. With the right equipment, you can do just about anything!

KYLE: (Blows up a figure who looks suspiciously like Tess) It’s amazing what you can do with a digital camera and a copy of ‘Tomb Raider’!

(Alex nods in agreement as Liz continues to move. She enters Kyle’s room, where Max is sitting on the bed.)

LIZ: Hi, Max.

MAX: oh, hey Liz. I was just looking at some of Tess’s old stuff.

LIZ: Looks like she was quite the rock collector. (There is a moment of silence) Now that Tess is gone… (She moves to kiss him, but he pulls away.)

MAX: Liz, I have to tell you something. You see, I went to the cave yesterday, and…

LIZ: What, Max? What?

MAX: I’m sorry, Liz, but I’m destined to be with Micheal!

(Liz turns and runs, sobbing, out of the room)

SCENE EIGHT

(Everyone has moved to Kyle’s room to examine the rock collection when Tess appears in the room)

TESS: Greetings. I have important news from the great beyond.

MARIA: She’s speaking from beyond the grave!

(Everyone screams)

TESS: No, no, no. This is just a mindwarp.

MARIA: She’s mindwarping from beyond the grave!!

(Everyone screams, then they begin running in circles yelling ‘MINDWARP!’ at the top of their lungs.)

TESS: (Sighs and rolls her eyes) Fine. If you don’t want to save the world from vampires, another bacteria, and a race of flesh-eating aliens, fine by me.

(And with a POP, she disappears. Everyone immediately stops screaming, they all sit down and smooth out their clothes.)

ISABEL: Do you think we should have listened to her? I mean, flesh eating aliens and all…

(They all look at each other, and together, say “Nah!”)

(The song ‘Highway to Hell’ plays as we fade into the night sky.)

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So there you go. Feedback please!