Title: My Future Destiny
Author: SansuCry (The Mistress of Angst)
Email: sansucry⊕earthlink.net
Rating: G
Disclaimer: I have no affiliation with Roswell or any one associated with it.
Summary: This is a Tess POV--My spin on EOTW, before we knew what a useless waste that episode would become. Being the Dreamer I am, I’m not a big Tess fan (ok, Carol0000, you can stop laughing now), but this just popped into my head and I had to write it.
Author Note: I was going through my files and I found this. It’s the first Roswell thing I ever wrote, but when I posted it on the old board I only got two responses…probably because it’s Tess related.

Anyway, let me know what you think.

I’m numb.
It’s pretty ironic isn’t it. Me. Numb. After all these years of suppressing my human side, learning to show no emotions, it would figure that as soon as I let go and allow myself to feel, the only thing I can feel is numb.

I’m not sure exactly what happened to make things go so wrong so quickly. I guess it was after that whole kidnapping thing with Whittaker. It really shook me up, and it was then that I realized my life was too short to wait around for Max Evans, my destined mate. After the sheriff brought me back to the Valenti’s that night, the last thing I wanted was to be left alone. And I wasn’t. When we walked in the door, Kyle was there, and when he saw the blood on my face and my torn clothes, even I could see the emotions going through him. Fear and anger. He quickly took me into the bathroom and gently washed the dirt and blood from my face. He ran a bath for me and when I got out of the tub, he had hot tea waiting for me. I tried to sleep, but every time I closed my eyes I was back in that power plant, scared for my life. And everytime I opened my eyes, he was there, stroking my hair and telling me it would be all right. Then something unusual happened—I felt something. Something besides fear. I think that’s the night I first felt what love is.

The next few weeks were a blur. Kyle never left my side, constantly worried that someone might try to hurt me again. We both knew that I could protect myself far better than he ever could, but it was nice to know that someone cared about me. Not because he felt like it was his obligation, but just because he really cared about me. And the more time we spent together, the easier it was becoming for me to feel.

Then one day, something strange happened. Kyle and I were home alone, and I had just told him about my new life plan: no more waiting for Max Evans. I’ll never forget the look on Kyle’s face. Just as we were about to kiss, the doorbell rang. I don’t know who was more disappointed, but we were both surprised to see it was Liz. And when she said she wanted to speak to me, well, I knew something weird was going on.

As she spoke to me about helping me with Max, I almost laghed in her face. By then I was starting to forget all about my Destiny. But there was something desperate about the look in her eyes, like she needed this. I thought maybe she was doing this to test Max, to see if he really loved her as much as he said he did. So I went along with it. He had already told me that she was his whole life, that she was the only one he could ever love, so if she needed this, then I’d play along. I’d do some flirting while she watched, then I would come home and spend the rest of the evening trimming lamps with Kyle. Of course, true to form Max didn’t give me a second look. He knew it was a set-up immediately, and when he took off across the street after Liz, I headed for home.

After I got there, Kyle was indeed waiting for me. He had made dinner for us, and as I looked at the table beautifully decorated with candles, I couldn’t help it as a single tear slid down my cheek. He had done this for me. He cared enough about me to go through all this trouble.

It was a wonderful dinner. We talked and laughed the whole time. And after we had cleaned up together, he turned on the stereo in the living room and asked me to dance. I don’t know why I was so nervous—I had danced with a lot of guys before. But this was different. Somewhere in my heart, I knew this was different. It felt so wonderful being close to him. His strong arms wrapped around me made me feel safer than I had in a long time, since Nasedo had died. I wanted to drown myself in him. As the song ended, he leaned down and gave me a gentle kiss. It was so sweet. Then he gave me a second kiss, his lips lingering on mine, and as he broke away my body was overcome with feelings. Feelings I didn’t know I could have, feelings that were so strong I couldn’t stop them, feelings that scared the hell out of me.

He pulled me close to him and put his cheek against mine. Softly he whispered into my ear, “Tess, I think I’m falling in love with you.”

And I panicked. This was too much for me. I didn’t know what to do with all these emotions coursing through my body, all these feelings in my heart. So I ran away. I bolted out of his arms, out of the house, and out to my SUV. I was shaking so bad I could hardly get the keys in the ignition. I finally did, and then I drove, not really knowing where I was going, just knowing that I had to get away from Kyle. Away from all the things he was making me feel.

I ended up at the pod chamber. I just sat next to the pods, not bothering to stop the tears as they ran down my cheeks. I spent two nights and two days there, thinking. Thinking about my life, destiny, my future. All I could feel was confusion. These emotions were still so new to me, and they overwhelmed me. Finally, I decided that I had to talk to Kyle. No matter what I was feeling, I knew I needed him. He had become an important part of my life, and even if I could never return his profession of love, I wanted to be close to him.

When I got back to the Valenti’s that night, the house was dark. I showered and changed my clothes, then debated whether I should stay home or go look for him. It was Friday night, so I knew he would more than likely be hanging out at the Crashdown with the other jocks. I grabbed my keys and headed towards my future.

The Crashdown looked pretty deserted, and then I remembered that this was the night of the Gomez concert in Santa Fe. Everyone in school had been talking about it, so I guess that’s why it was so empty. I decided to go in anyway but I stopped short when I saw them. Kyle had his arm around Liz, and they were headed upstairs to her apartment. I stood there, frozen, feeling the only emotion I had ever really known before these past few weeks—jealousy.

I went back home and locked myself in my room, well actually, Kyle’s room. I tried to close my eyes against the pain, waiting to hear him return, but finally I got up and decided to go for a walk. I ended up in the park, and was less than surprised to see Max sitting on a park bench. I knew he wanted to take Liz to that concert, but obviously if she was at the Crashdown with Kyle, things had not gone as he had planned. I was surprised however, when he said he didn’t want me to leave. So we just sat there forever, both of us staring off into space. As the sun began to show itself on the horizon, we stood up and headed towards our respective homes.

Kyle was sitting up wide awake when I walked in the door. He said he was afraid I was never going to come back. It had been three days now since we had been face to face, and all I could say to him was that I needed to rest. So I walked past him, shut the bedroom door, and silently cried myself to sleep.

I didn’t wake up until after seven at night, and when I did the house was empty. Walking around, I noticed a single red rose on the kitchen table with a small note next to it. “Tess—I didn’t want to scare you off, but I had to let you know how I feel--I’m sorry.” I’m sorry. He was apologizing to me. For loving me. The brick wall of emotions slammed into me once again and when I recovered, I realized how foolish I was being. Kyle Valenti was in love with me. Not because of some destiny or sense of obligation. Kyle Valenti was in love with me because he chose to be in love with me. And as exciting and scary and unfamiliar as it was, I knew that I could no longer deny the truth. I was in love with Kyle. I wanted my future to be with him.

With that revelation I knew I had to set things straight with him, and I couldn’t wait another minute to let him know that I loved him just as much as he loved me. Trying to decide where to look for him first, I quickly dressed and as I opened the door to leave, I was startled by the person standing in front of me. She was crying, and from the streaks on her face, it appeared she had been crying for quite a while. Her whole body was shaking and I couldn’t imagine how she had ever made it here in her current state. I wrapped my arm around her and guided her to the couch. I held her until it seemed her trembling had slowed down and then I had to know.

“Isabelle, what’s wrong?”

“Tess….it’s Max….he’s gone….” She chokes out.

“Gone, what do you mean, gone?”

She starts sobbing. “He….he….ran away…”

“Well, we’ll go look for him. We’ll bring him home.”

“No, no. He can’t come home. He can’t…”

“Why? Isabelle, you’re not making any sense. What happened. Why did he run away?”

“He…he didn’t come home last night, so I went to look for him today….when I found him, he was drunk and not making any sense….talking about not healing people because they only betray him……”

“So he ran away because he was drunk?” I was becoming more confused by the minute. But then my future fell apart with her next words.

“No, I….he….he said that last night he saw ….Liz…..Liz in bed….with Kyle…..Oh, God, Tess, what are we going to do?”

Emotions flood over me once again at her words. Liz and Kyle? But he loves me, he told me he loves me. As the pain soars through me, I quickly hide it, still confused as to what Isabelle means. I said, “We have to find Max. We can’t let him run away just because Liz and Kyle slept together. He’s the leader for God’s sake….”

“No, you don’t understand. He….he saw Kyle tonight….outside of the Crashdown.” I can barely hear the next words through her deep sobs. “He killed him…Tess, Max killed Kyle….”

As I sit here watching them lower Kyle’s casket into the ground, I can only feel numb.

My destiny destroyed my future.