posted on 22-Sep-2002 12:19:10 AM by SweetLilDreamer
Title: Bittersweet
Author: Mi
Category: Max-Centered, kind of M/L
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I do not own anything, only the idea, please do not sue.
Summary: Post-CYN. That's all I'll say. Oh, and if suicide is a touchy subject, read with caution. You were warned.

Liz came to my window that day. She didn't go to Sweden after all, and she knew. She knew what I did the night before and I felt dirty. Lower than scum. I still loved the slip of a girl that was facing me. Loved her with every ounce of my being, but I slept with someone else. And it didn't matter that I thought of Liz. That I wished the curly blonde hair my fingers slipped through were Liz's chocolate tresses. That I was screaming Liz's name at my release, none of it mattered. All that mattered, was that I slept with Tess. That I did it. And I will never be sorry enough.

Her eyes were full of hatred toword me and I can't blame her, I still can't. We loved each other, why did I go to someone else? I still don't have any answers here. Nor will I ever. She just stands there, outside my window staring at me. She doesn't talk, but I know exactly what she feels, and I feel that she hates me, but still needs to tell me something.

I reach my hand out to her, she steps back and a little more of me dies. I finally step away and she follows me in. Always keeping me at arms length away. "Why?" she finally crokes out.

"I..." I falter. What could I say? I didn't mean to? I'm sorry? None of it seemed right. So I stop talking and look down at my sock clad feet, silent tears falling.

"You know it's your fault," she tells me softly. And I nod slightly with my head down. "That-that was the plan, you know. To have her go to you." She pauses to take a shaky breath. Her voice is so calm compared to her posture. I would've thought she was calm and collected, as if she didn't care but I could feel her breaking down. "I just.. I never thought you would do it. I never thought that you could do that to me." I feel her eyes boring into the top of my head. "I thought you really loved me, that you were ready."

She has be baffled, but I don't say anything still. I don't think I even could if I tried.

"I'm Ava." she tells me and my head pops up. My eyes wide. My body shaking and tears were sliding down my cheeks.

She gives me a small smile. "I had to test you." She's moving around my room, lightly touching everything. "I had to know if you would betray me again, even in your most vulerable state. I just... had to know." She looks up at me. "You did it before. You slept with her on the other planet." This is breaking her up inside, but I stay still, my eyes transfixed on her. She's an alien. She's MY alien. Was mine. But I blew it, and I can never have my love. "I thought this time it would be different. But of course, Alex's death wasn't in the itinerary. Tess did that alone. She really wanted you. She really thought she was Ava. No one wanted to tell her, saying it would be more real if she thought she was Ava, but she's my younger sister." Liz smiles, thinking about a memory. "She always had a crush on you. She always said she'd have you. I never believed her, I thought we were meant to be. I guess I was wrong."

I wanted to tell her that she was right! That we were meant to be, but my throat was choked, I couldn't get anything through. I looked at her apologetically. She ignored my requests.

She gets off her seat on my desk chair and comes up to me, "I'm sorry it had to end this way," she whispers then gets on her tippy-toes and kisses me gentlly on my cold lips, my eyes are closed. So this is what it feels like to be dead, I thought. When I open them, she's gone. Nothing was left of her... only her scent.

I look over to my bed, she did leave me something. I come closer and see it. It's a ring. An engagment ring. The stone isn't diamond, it doesn't look like it's from earth. I let out an unhuman cry. I wanted to die. I needed to die. I didn't deserve to live. No one was home, I could do it easily.

I slip out of my room into my dad's office. Searching for about thirty seconds I find what I need, his gun. He taught me how to use it at the range, now I can do it for real. I guess I should be scared now, but I'm not. I welcome it with open arms.

I read one time the easiest way to die was to shoot yourself in the mouth. It hits the brain stem and I won't feel much. Too quick for that. I scurry into my room like a coward and write a quick note telling Mom and Dad that I love them and thanking them. Telling Isabel I still love her and she'll do fine without me. Saying Michael can handle things fine. And telling everyone it's no one but my own fault and that I do love Liz, and that we were, are meant to be.

I lie in bed with the ring on my left hand, that hand is resting on my heart. And my right hand is holding the gun in my mouth. I say a silent prayer, and pull the trigger...


[ edited 2 time(s), last at 23-Sep-2002 1:37:37 AM ]
posted on 22-Sep-2002 10:21:00 PM by SweetLilDreamer
posted on 23-Sep-2002 5:58:37 PM by SweetLilDreamer
Aww!! Hehe, thanks to : Talena, Tomochika, Meagzie, senoritaspoiler, JBehrsGurl, and Lana for the feedback, and to all the lurkers who've read this!

Jen, Lana and Dory - Sorry, no Liz POV, no sequel. I wrote this part telling myself not to write anything more. I kill things when it's more.

Meagzie - I find depression and suicide very self-involved as well. I was just listening to music and got mad at Max. So I showed him as a coward.
*tongue*, why do you think I killed him for?

Elly - ::sigh:: It's not Liz's fault Max slept with Tess. And she didn't push. She stayed out of his way, ::rolls eyes::, I never blamed Liz and I never will. It takes two to tango (even though it's a mindwarp) and Liz is a third party. Leave the girl alone.