|posted on 23-Sep-2002 8:18:31 AM by RELA|
White walls that's all I've been seeing in my dreams lately.
Anything else?, What? I mean do you remember anything else in your dreams what were you doing there or some one else for that matter.
I remember figures but they were kind of blurred.....
Usually such dreams could be a figment of imagination but its possible that these might be premonition dreams.
"Are you all right, you seem awfully distant today".
I Laughed a little, "umm that's the point isn't it I mean that's why people come to see a shrink because there distant. The doctor gave me a disapproving look. He reminded me of Giles from Buffy the vampire slayer. I once thought of telling him that but stopped because I knew as soon as I told him about the show he'd go into a long dialog with me about the potential hazards of watching such a show.
Well the very object of coming here would be to share the reason for your distant behavior.
The physiatrist goes on to write something down on her file.
I guess I answered mindlessly, why did I come here again? Alright accordingly to my uncalled for foster parents say that I have a temporary amnesia problem which means I could absolutely lose my mind for a day or two or a week, month even a year. And they insist that it's been since I was very young. I don't remember that come to think of it I don't remember my childhood at all nothing no memories of falling of a bike and getting back on it or any playground fights with boys that I remember. Its all blank. as I was thinking deeper into the word blank the doctor spoke up, it startled me he did have a loud voice. I know I've told you this before but let me remind you that I don't promise anything besides I'm not sure I'm the right person to help you, "look" I said you're the best bet I've got. It's not like my parents know that I'm seeing a shrink so I'm kinda low on cash which means that the 1st order professional help is completely out of my league. He pulled off his glasses and stared straight at me
Tell me again Miss Carter why your parents disapprove of a good physiatrist I mean doesn't your condition bother them?
Doesn't bother them? I've got two beepers on me and a cell phone on which they call me constantly to know where I am and then without a word they'll turn up there to take me home and tell me they thought I needed a ride!. All right I get the idea miss Carter. Will you stop calling me that I have a name you know? . Yes and believe me I'm very proud of you. I turned around and looked at him in confusion he shook his head it's a joke miss....A! "Right, Sarah". Hmmm I sat down, I'm not completely sure why, I looked at him he gestured for me to go on
I once told them about seeking professional help, they acted completely bizarre getting all frantic and nervous, telling me shrinks just rip people off, though my parents aren't the sort that are too tight with the buck, anyway they both seemed unanimous of the idea that I didn't need a physiatrist. And of course once they both agree on some thing its "settled", then no one pretty much wants to hear my side of the story.
Sound like over protective parents to me, maybe they feel seeing a psychiatrist would some how exploit you and more or less be of little help to your condition other than just wasting your time.
Maybe I said doubtfully. He smiled at me sympathetically, scribbling something else on my file before closing it.
Okey dokey seems your time is up he said looking at his watch, however I would like you to do some reading on your condition if it's possible?
Yeah I could go to the library I said getting up, and I'll see whatever I can come up with to help you although at the moment my evaluation of you would be mild stress and little or no sleep. Right, I said yawning he's right about the sleep part, I felt this might actually work out.
I'll see you on the next Monday then. Try to get a good rest
I said good bye and left. As I was walking out of the building after my 3rd session with Doctor benetic looking around I thought this is exactly as I imagined a stereotypical shrinks office to be, boring green plants everywhere, clean pale blue walls, an old irritable receptionist. Even more boring were the scenic pictures of places I've never heard or seen before in my entire life. Ok so I don't remember most of my life, big deal! The weird thing about this temporary amnesia is that I keep forgetting the past, out of 17 years of my life I only remember a year or two of my life. That would be last year when I moved to Nevada with Carl and Jenny. Their "ok" people but some times they start acting strange, like the time I told them about moving into a dorm after giving my SAT's. They didn't even think of it they just said no, I guess my condition did bother them but come to think of it I've never been to a doctor not even for this problem or maybe I have been I don't remember, they don't tell me much about my past. It's almost as if their scared of telling me or me finding out for my self what my previous years had been like
The thought of not having any memories about your self, people in your life or your friends is horrifying.
so I came to Cherry Street, one Monday after school on the public transport told my parents I'm going over to Terry's to work on an year long science project. I found out about doctor benetic from a newspaper classified he's a well-practiced and professional psychiatrist, graduate from Harvard but he wasn’t as old as I expected him to be,
Probably in his late 30's.I explained my problem and he told me after a lot of thinking that he wasn't sure I could actually get what I came for. Meaning he worked on counseling people on their problems, but I told him about the use of hypnosis being very common to unlock memories. He agreed but also reminded me that those people block memories where as I lost memory, so he wasn't exactly sure how to help me and plus I told him about the eccentric behavior of my parents when I mentioned my desire to learn the past. So he agreed to try and help me. And now I come here every Monday, we haven't actually gotten to the stage of solving the problem he's still evaluating me.
I looked around for a name less public transport to pick me up so I could get home, I have to get some sleep before going to work. It pays weekly, working 5 to 9 at the Donatelli's café is the only way I can pay for the shrink bills. Other wise I would have never started working at all. Mind you not that I'm lazy or any thing but kids like me go out and have fun and do exciting things with their friends like bowling, going to the movies and god knows what else after school. Not going to shrinks and later work the whole day to pay their bills. But I keep reminding my self this is my problem and no ones fault not even mine I didn't ask for this, but its there so I have to deal with it and then get on with life.
That’s what I like about my self I always manage to remain optimistic and calm no matter how desperate I am with the desire to remember my past.
"You have no past", the words were said so suddenly and softly that the voice sent a shiver down my spine and left a bad taste in my mouth, my stomach felt weighed down by hot lead I turned and looked about frantically no one was standing near me, what the hell happened? did I just say that, did I think it?, feeling the sweat on my forehead I pulled out a tissue and dabbed it.
The bus pulled up next to me I expected more people on the bus but today it was pretty much less crowded I went and sat down at the back of the bus. And stared at the empty road, I still didn't see anyone there, why would I think something like that or maybe along with forgetting things I was also starting to hear things, great One more thing I have to worry about. The bus stopped and I jerked forward, not my stop yet a bunch of teenagers and an old woman got on board and the bus started moving again.
The old woman was a nursery class teacher in the old county central high school, she seemed like a nice woman in her 50's, an almost wiry frame with thinning gray hair and a motherly smile. We usually made light conversation over the jour. Mrs. Brummel hadn't shown up the last week or the week before that I thought she might have finally retired and moved to Florida to arrange her only daughters wedding. I was the only one in the last seat so she came and sat next to me
Why how are you Sarah dear?
I'm good, how about you?, long time no see
Yes well I attended my daughters wedding in Florida, the most amazing thing happened.. she started excitedly I listened intently at least I tried to, the uneasy feeling I had felt when I left cherry street was still with me. I shuddered slightly repeating the words in my head.
Are you all right dear you seem a bit pre occupied.
Uhh I'm fine I managed a half smile, nothing, it's nothing I said just a thought.
Little did I know this thought was the center of my entire life well sort of.
Morley lane was full of suburban houses like ours well ours was kind of an out standing house in all. Because while all houses where either an ordinary dark or off white ours was blue with shingles, tinted windows, artificial flamingoes, a small fountain and a backyard full of enough flowers to out house a florist. Every thing had order in our house Jenny worked on it constantly, since she didn't have a job.
The bus stopped in front of the convenience store I got off and walked two blocks of twisting and turning paths to my house, Jenny was pruning hedges surrounding the backyard and Carl probably wouldn't show up until half time Lunch. He worked as telecommunications engineer at the REM systems. I swaggered over to the gate pulling it open with little difficulty it was drafty today I noticed getting off the bus.
Sarah you startled me! What do you think she gestured a gloved hand to perfectly heart shaped hedge.
I smiled it looks great. I wonder how she could stand doing all this for hours while I couldn't imagine wasting my time on things that would grow back and bug me to prune it every week.
So how's the project coming along? She started on another hedge
What I asked distracted
The science project oh yeah its coming along fine. Were almost through 1/3 rd of it.
I wasn't that bad at lying not as if I were proud of it either although they'd find out eventually they always do, some how I have a feeling that I never really could trust Carl, Jenny. They might have their own reasons for not wanting me to learn my past but that didn't mean I'd have to like it besides I just figured if I wasn't at loss with my own memory I wouldn't be calling them mom or dad at all. I had real parents and they weren't dead or so I've been told I promised my self to find them but only after this hurdle is complete
Carl and jenny adopted me when I was 5 which means I should have known my parents good enough now only if I could remember.
Thank god I solved my room before leaving in the morning feeling exhausted I hung my bag on the clothes rack, changed and checked the answering machine for any messages not that I had a wealth of friends but it was a habit.
Hey Sarah, I called a lot of times where do you disappear Monday mornings it was getting real boring but hey you know what there's a new guy in town and check it out he's real weird looking mean he's got white hair and uh…….coming!! why don't you check him out for your self I think he's in our school. Gotta go beauty pageants on
I shook my head meet terry pale she's a real expert when it comes to looks and boys she goes out all most all week and is constantly trying to set me up with some one I smiled when I remembered Dan Holden a tough looking jock she set me up with for a double date it turned out to be a disaster, I absolutely hated him, he expected me to pay for both the movie and the pop corn. The next day Terry turned up at my door with a homemade box of brownies that’s the only reason I forgave her, and later made her promise not to try playing the matchmaker around me.
The clock struck 3:00 P.M I set it to wake me up at 4:30 so that I could shower and then leave at 5:00 for the caf
I was dreaming again there were glass walls all around me this time I could actually feel things around me like the air it was foggy and cold not just chilly looking down I saw a glistening white ground I reached down to touch it, it felt deathly cold .Ice I realized its ice!. The air vibrated with a steady rhythm pricking my ears like several tiny needles, there were voices were all around me I strained to listen coherently through the faint buzzing static like sounds.
The whole scene tilted a little dizzying me into sitting back down on the icy ground I was afraid I'd end up sliding over the room. I stiffened as the voices started making sense, like a camera with a blurred image it began to focus itself just enough for me to make out figures, 4? no 5 one was in the center of this large ice ring. One of the four figures was doing something like pacing around and gesturing at the figure in the center
Hearing a low moan from the crouched down figure I shuddered as it proceeded to sob quietly like soft whimpers then loud anguished moans. Shifting my gaze back to the four figures the one gesturing earlier stepped back as the one in the end raised a hand and stepped forward it crouched down and called out to the sobbing figure my tension mounted to fascination as the figure stopped crying immediately. Something about the talking figure chilled me to the bone, I couldn't see his face but his voice it seemed so familiar that my eyes filled up with an unknown and profound sadness.
Something about their apparent chemistry disturbed me. Craning my neck to see further clearly was unsuccessful so I got up and tried to get closer to the group but every time I took a step forward, It felt like I was walking on a treadmill and came back to the same place I started from. The ground wasn't all that cold and icy anymore it felt steady and firm not slippery like in an ice ring.
The figure in the center had stood up and between alternate small and large sobs made its way to the one standing with an out stretched hand their hands touched. That’s when I felt as if the lights had been turned out pitch black darkness surrounded me, I couldn't feel any thing any more the cold the vibration or even the glass like walls had disappeared. And quicker than I could realize I was fallen into an unseen black hole that was cascading down into the dark pit with fierce speed, there was nothing to hold on to. Even in the terror of my fall I could hear a distinct and persistent beeping sound I immediately jerked upright in bed. The Nightmare over, my watch showed 4:30 in angry large red numbers, for a minute I didn't react then my attention riveted from the still ear splitting alarm to the knob of the door as it opened up hastily revealing a tall figure……………..that’s when I wondered if the nightmare was really over.
Aren't you going to get that Sarah?!
Huh? The figure switched the lights on…………. Carl! I thought relieved, leaning over the bedside table I switched my Tiffany amber lamp on and reduced my room to silence by hitting the beeper off the alarm.
School always starts at 7:30 and I'm always within an inch of the school gates being slammed shut in my face. But today was a miracle I got up earlier than I expcted my self to wake up.
2.00 am, 14 August 2013
Roswell, New Mexico
I woke up feeling more frightened then disoriented, it was really dark
You might want to relax Miss Carter, who was it?
I tried to move my arms and legs but I couldn't, I tried to say something but it came out as a muffled sound.
It hit me suddenly I wasn't in the motel anymore, who was sitting next to me? more importantly where was I?
We were moving, I felt sensation creep up back into my arms and legs, in my fear I tried to thrash about something was holding me down, the feeling of dread got even stronger, It wasn't completely dark now I saw a panel glowing with numbers, the time I thought! That’s the time! I'm in a car, oh no I thought Hal! Zane!.
Earlier when the voice had spoken it felt like some one was speaking to me while I was under water, it was unnerving. And to my great displeasure it spoke again
Don't be upset Sarah, it's all right everything's fine.
Without thiI blurted out what happened ?!
Oh nothing very serious, I just happen to have found you and now I'm taking you back. It replied sarcastically.
I can't see you!, it was more ofa question than a statement.
I heard a click and my eyes exploded with pain as bright light suddenly flooded the car.
I shook my head vigorously and looked to my side sure enough there was a man driving at my side. with whitening hair he turned to me, Jayce Donovan!. Dammit and double Dammit!
I put my head down again to the inclined seat I was lying on, my head felt like it was spinning a dozen rounds, oh god! Stop
The lights went out again, I felt a little better not letting him see my angered red face. and ashamed one at that why hadn't I just listened to Hal, he's right I'm a stubborn…
To be continued…………….
Today had a strange feel to it……………….
Mara met Liz in class
Maria: Hey Chica! What's the occasion she said looking at her watch.
Liz : Some times I surprise my self she said happily. She'd love to see that old fart's reactions soon as she walked in. Mrs Milka was nothing short of a miracle herself being about 200 pounds over weight and 5'1 people called her Mrs. humpty dumty behind her back.
Liz was just about to sit in the seat behind Maria when she felt like she was being shoved out of the way, turning around she saw Dan Holden sitting smirking at her
"seats already been taken."
"Dan?" Maria said incredulously "you’re a total jerk you know that?!
Welllllllllllll………. bad manners, bad grades, bad attitude guess I'm just a bad guy.he replied gruffly smirking at Liz.
Liz glared at him she really didn't like him he was handsome really good looking but purposely looked for reasons to aggravate other people.
"No Dan you're not a bad guy just ummmmm said dreamily she'd been trying to go out with him for a while now.
Liz sighed "don't sweat it For Mr Bad attitude Maria I'll go and sit at the end.
Dan chuckled disgustingly and Maria looked back at Liz guiltily.
Liz couldn't really blame Maria she was always looking for appreciation in the wrong places and was by no means a virgin she'd had a hard life her father left her mother when she was about 5 and if that werent enough her mother went wacko after 10 years.I turned around and smiled back at Maria .and proceeded to sit totally at the back of the class .But the seats in the middle were up full and she finally spotted an empty chair at the end near the window …she hated these places the suns light burned your back ..just as she was about to sit down she got the shock of her life…sitting beside me was someone I found hard to describe the shocking part was his eyes they were blue and huge but before she could actually see them all that well he put on his sunglasses ……I slowly sat down in the seat because I head the class mutter good mroning to misses humpty dumpty…..amazing! he had snow white hair….pale skin and he was awful tall…..where did he come from?
"uh hi" she hadn't known she said it out aloud to him because his response was immediate with broad smile…..it was beautiful his lips were red thin but not glossy…he looked so angelic
she put her bag down and took her seat "your new here aren't you Maria told me" as she were talking she remembered Maria calling her earlier about a weird looking guy with white hair moving next door to her that’s him right…she wanted to see under those sunglasses what was he hiding….."who are you…uhh I mean what's your name?…I'm Liz"
"I am Zane"
his voice was cool but it had authority in it…each word spoken distinctly she couldn't look away from him.."did you just move to Nevada?"
"no I've been here for long just changed locations" his reply was short and leisurely he sounded like someone who were filthy rich….she wanted to know more