posted on 8-Nov-2001 7:27:42 PM by Cookie2697
Okay...this one is really out of my norm...so I hope you guys like it. It's a Max POV from the drive home from LA...and it's really dark. I'm actually really nervous about this because it's SO different for me...so I'd really like to hear your thoughts on it, good or bad...either way. Please, don't hesitate to let me know what you think.


Title: Darkness and Light
Background: Control fic…I'd like to say it's post-Control, but it takes place before the episode ends.
Category: Max POV
Rating: PG-13
Author: Anne
E-mail: dreambehr⊕yahoo.com
Disclaimer: They’re not mine. The characters of Roswell belong to Melinda Metz, the WB, Jason Katims, and all the wonderful people who we all love for starting this wonderful story. I’m just borrowing them!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The road stretches on in front of me…mile after endless mile, dragging on and on into the blackened night sky. There is nothing except me, my car, the concrete before me, and the smothering darkness of the night. It leaves me alone with my thoughts…which are as dark as the blackness that surrounds me.

What have I become?

I keep asking myself the same question over and over again as the image of Cal lying there stays burned in my mind's eye, his body limp and worn…hate and destruction filling his eyes as he glares unabashedly at me. I destroyed his life tonight, without a second thought…I didn't even think about him, about his well being. He had a life too…a life that he had struggled and fought for over fifty years for…and I crushed it without a second thought.

How did it all come to this?

I was thinking about nothing except my son…the instinct to find him driving me on, pushing me forward…obsession was controlling my mind…darkness filled my soul. I want to find him…to bring him home to me…to save him from Tess…but is it worth it? How many other lives will I have to destroy to get him back?

I forced Cal to give it all up tonight…for nothing.

I needed the information…I knew that with every bone in my body…I didn't need to destroy him to get it. I could have ordered him to give me the information so that I could do it myself…I could have…there's so many things that I could have done differently.

This hunt has consumed me so completely. I know it's changing me…I can see it in my actions, feel it inside. I've chosen to ignore it until now…unwilling to admit that I was making things worse…but now, as the miles stretch on, I'm left with nothing, but my thoughts, and I have to face my mistakes.

I never used to be so rash. I used to be the logical one…the one who thought things through completely before acting…the one who everyone else relied on to be the stable one.

It's been a long time now since I've been so balanced.

First the entry of Liz into my life mixed things up…for the first time I was thinking of myself rather than those around me…but you know what? That wasn't my mistake…I know it deep inside my soul that saving Liz was the one thing I actually did right…at least, when I was acting on emotion.

Everything truly changed when Tess entered my life for the first time. She immediately complicated everything, stirring up trouble between Liz and I, between Michael and Isabel…for the first time when we accepted her, we were also turning to our alien sides…turning off our human emotions. That was the first mistake we made.

There were so many others I made after that…letting Liz walk away from me…believing that she slept with Kyle…going to the conference in New York… More recently robbing that convenience store when I know damn well that we could have found another way.

But the biggest one…the most horrible mistake I have ever made, was letting Tess into my heart. I will never forgive myself for that…for turning to her when I needed comfort…for…for my son.

I wonder if Cal knew that when I told him about my mistake it was the first time I had ever spoke those words out loud? They've been haunting me for months…but I could never let them out, because I knew that would be my defeat, my breakdown. The moment I admitted aloud how much I regret what I have done, I would feel it forever.

I've been denying it for months…I couldn't even admit it to Liz.

Yet another mistake I made…I was trying to hide the truth inside me…trying not to let her see how much I hate myself for doing this to us…for cheapening our love by giving myself to another.

I see another car approaching in the distance, coming towards me. Slowly it draws nearer, and nearer until the bright headlights drive the blackness away. I flinch, cringing beneath the light as the car speeds past and soon disappears behind me.

Here's the thing…the darkness may be suffocating, but it's also my safe haven. I need it. I need to wallow in it…I need it to overtake me. The darkness is comforting…I can hide in it…but once the light comes I can no longer hide…all of my fears have to come out in the open…and I'm afraid of what I will see in the light.

Did I mention that Liz is the light of my life?

Maybe that's why I've hit these depth, this level of despair…this darkness. It happened because I shut off the light, because I turned my back from Liz…because I ignored my human side and for a while, as I confronted Cal, I became pure alien.

Thoughtless…when did I grow to be so thoughtless? Thoughtless in the way I treated Cal…thoughtless in the way I ignored Liz… It's not me…I know it isn't.

And even as my heart aches so completely over my wrong doings…I can't help feeling hope…feeling lucky.

I almost left everyone behind.

What if I had left without saying goodbye to Liz? I was so certain that I would return one day…but would she still have been here waiting for me?

What if I had left without resolving things with my parents? Talking to my mother for the first time since Utah left me with a pain in my heart. I miss my family. I miss my mom and my dad. I miss Isabel. Maybe it is time for me to go home…I've been running, hiding from them for so long.

Maybe that's why it was so easy for my alien side to take control of me…because I've been ignoring the basic necessities of my human side: love, family, belonging.

Another hundred miles goes sweeping past me…and it feels like nothing. That's the thing about long road trips…particularly long road trips at night. There's nothing except you, your car, the long stretches of highway, and the darkness. You can't tell if you've made any progress…you can't tell if you're getting anywhere…you can't see what's around you, because there is nothing around you except the night. A hundred miles can pass, and you're still in the same place you started.

Except that for me, a hundred miles past, and inside my soul I can feel a familiar flickering…it's the light drawing me in. As I move closer and closer to home I can feel her more and more…I can feel how much I need her, how much I need to embrace the light, and it keeps me moving. Her presence, distant as it may still be is pulling me forward…pushing me on. I need to see her…I need to feel her. I need to remind myself that I'm still alive.

Suddenly the darkness doesn't seem as comforting as it did a while back. It's sucking the life out of me just as I started to find my way again. I need to get out of the darkness…I need to make my way into the light.

In the distance I see the slightest hint of a glow in the black sky…what it is I'm not sure…a distant city, a distant car…but suddenly in a moment of recognition I understand what it is. It's the faintest hint of sunrise…of morning…of the light.

I press my foot a little heavier on the gas. I shouldn't push my car beyond it's limits, but I need the light.

Why did she call me when she did?

The simple question pops up in my head so suddenly that it takes me by surprise, pushing away all the dark, brooding questions for a moment as I focus on this one tiny detail.

I hadn't talked to her since meeting Cal…so why did she choose that moment call me? I realize I was supposed to call her and didn't…but I was so consumed with everything going on, that I didn't want to loose my focus, even for an instant…and if I know that there's anyone in the world that can distract me it's Liz Parker. But she could have called me any time over the past few days…so why did she do it then.

Maybe deep down inside she knew that I was about to leave her…she needed to talk to me to say goodbye.

What if I had left at that moment? I know what I would have realized later. That I had the chance to say goodbye to her and I didn't take it.

If I had gone…I know that would have haunted me forever.

Sometimes I fear, failure is a blessing in disguise. It gives me the chance to make amends, to fix things. At least…the things I can fix. Cal wasn't so lucky…

I feel an overwhelming urge to tell Liz everything that happened… I need to hear from her that I'm not a bad person…that I just make bad decisions sometimes. It's a human thing to do…to make mistakes.

I find myself imagining what will happen when I see her again. In my mind she takes me into her arms, holds me close, while comforting me and telling me that it will all be okay. She tells me that we'll find another way…that it isn't over. She swears I'll find him.

In my mind Liz and I are already settling down and having a family with my son.

It's childish…stupid of me to think that everything will be that perfect someday, but sometimes you have to cling to your deepest hopes…they can save you from the darkness.

The glow in the sky is growing slowly brighter as the miles stretch on and on. The darkness is turning to light, and I'm beginning to recognize the desert surrounding me as I cross the New Mexico border.

It's not much further now…the light in the sky is beginning to consume me. I can think of nothing else except reaching it…reaching Liz. The need to see her driving me on…but even as I continue into the light I know that the darkness is not gone. I've just suppressed it for now. I need the light to free me from it. I can't do it alone.

It isn't long before I find myself changing highways, on the road to Roswell. I feel it beckoning me closer and closer.

I wonder what she's doing right now? Probably working…her dad has been working her like a slave since Utah. As I arrive in town I head straight towards the Crashdown.

Pulling my car into a parking place in front of the restaurant I suddenly freeze nervously.

My eyes drift to the rearview mirror, and I find myself staring at my own appearance. I look like the living dead. Will she be able to tell that I've been driving all night, with my disheveled hair, the bags beneath my eyes, and the stubble lining my jaw? My guess is yes…the real question is will she care?

And for the first time I allow myself to remember that this may be harder than I thought…walking back into the light. What if the light rejects me? I've screwed up in so many different ways…I deserve rejection.

Hesitantly, I climb from my car, stretching my legs. The muscles are sore, raw from being unused for so many hours straight. I reach my hands over my head and stretch, a yawn escaping from my throat, as I turn and face the door.

Slowly I begin to move closer to the beckoning light.

I hope I'm ready to leave the darkness behind.


[ edited 1 time(s), last at 8-Nov-2001 7:30:32 PM ]
posted on 11-Nov-2001 8:12:36 PM by Cookie2697
Holy Shit....

Okay...the last time I saw this thread there were only 6 feedbacks on it...somehow I missed all the bumps from all the rest of your feedbacks! MAN...

You know...I always say that feedback is such a lifter upper...but surprising unexpected feedback is just mindblowingly cool! LOL!

I loved hearing all of your thoughts...it was really interesting for me. My own thoughts keeps changing. I really appreciated the complexity of this episode...how many different ways everything could be interpreted...particularly between Max and Cal. Neither of them were very sympathetic IMO...my loyalties tend to pretty much always go to Max...even when he's acting like a bastard, because, hell, I love the guy! But I liked Cal too...even if he's a murderer, petty, abandoner... I'm pondering exploring this further with a more complex Max/Cal storyline...but we'll see how that goes.

As for Liz, yeah...I understand why she was hurt, and I think it was good to see things IMPERFECT between her and Max for a bit, but I couldn't help thinking she was acting a little petty too. True...Max fucked up by not calling. But Liz KNEW he was on a mission, and that he'd do ANYTHING, even rob a convinience store to achieve that goal...so if something happened, as it did...it's totally possible that he couldn't call. However he could make the time to bitch Isabel out, so that pissed me off a bit *grin*

Anyways...thanks for all the great feedback, and great discussions...I loved it!