|posted on 10-Nov-2001 10:08:41 PM by talena|
Title: If Shame Had a Face
Disclaimers: Nothing belongs to me except the story. I am not going to delude myself into thinking that anything is mine…
Category: Liz's POV
Author’s Notes: Nothing really to say except that this was just a spur of the moment idea and fic, and I just couldn’t get it out of my head…so here it is. Tell me what you think….pretty please?Pretty, pretty please?
If Shame Had a Face
I think it would kind of look like mine
If it had a home would it be my eyes?
Would you believe me if I said I'm tired of this?
Well here we go, now, one more time...
I need you to help me fall out of love with you.
I still wonder how one sentence, one simple little sentence destroyed my world like it had. Those words were like knives to my heart, and I wonder, if it had not left my love’s mouth, then perhaps the pain would be more bearable. But they did, and I find myself surrounded by nothing but torment. It had been like this for the past few weeks, and with each passing day it seems to be getting worse and worse. But nothing compared to the guilt I feel every time I see Max Evans, my one and only love…my soulmate.
Whenever I see him, I see his soulful amber eyes light up as they always did when I came into view…that sight had always made me smile and that warmth that spread through me felt so right, so safe, so Max. Though now, instead of filling me with warmth with that wonderful gaze, the light would disappear from his eyes quickly, replaced with hurt and angry eyes. It was enough to take away more and more of my heart.
With this permanent break-up, I see him turn to Tess more and more as the days pass by, and this causes me little pleasure. Even though this is what that whole Kyle thing was supposed to result in, that small part of my heart had hoped he would come for me as he said he would. He’s too far away from my reach now, and with him I lost Isabel and Michael’s friendship, along with Maria and Alex’s. The latter two still angry and upset at me for not telling them what was going on…for not telling them the truth. And Kyle, he’s been there for me, but I feel as if he needs his space so I leave him alone. Tess...well Tess is Tess. She never liked me before so any ties broken with her did nothing to my heart like the others had.
In fact, she makes it a point to rub her blossoming relationship with Max in my face just to spite me. I really wish she wouldn’t though because really, she’s just making a big fool of herself. Anyone could see, including me that Max was still looking at me and never her. I wonder if that sugary little fake smile of hers would still be there if she knew that he would…no had chosen his love for me over his destiny with her. How many times
have I just wanted to march straight up to her and wipe that triumphant smug smile off that fake little face of hers? I guess she had forgotten that even though I did try to help her win Max, she couldn’t even get him.
And it’s bittersweet for me to say that I had to give him such a big push to get him to turn to her, and it’s killing me more and more each day. Now as I stare so wearily up at my ceiling, I realize that it’s one in the morning and I’m still up. Still thinking of another life that could have been mine. And my mind is full of what ifs and maybes, that it had begun to make my head spin. And so I slowly climbed out of bed and got dressed. Leaving a quick note for my parents, just in case they come looking for me. I slip outside the window onto my balcony and am hit with a storm of emotions, threatening to drown me if I did not leave quickly. Anger, pain, frustration, desperation, overwhelming agony and so much more feels my mind and heart.
I descended the ladder as quickly as possible, another part of me hearing the quick sounds of someone scaling the ladder in haste to see me. And in my mind’s eye I can see that head poking over, hair tousled, and eyes glowing with love. And in my heart I know it’s nothing more than a distant memory. I stopped suddenly feeling the wet drops of liquid hitting my skin, and I blink as I realize that I had wandered into the park standing not too far away from the spot where Max and I had our last date. I could still see that day clearly as I close my eyes. Unbidden, another image resurfaced of a more recent memory. Tears glistened, and mingled with the pouring rain as it trailed down my cheeks as two distinct figures appeared before my eyes, leaning forward simultaneously for a kiss. And as the fog cleared from my mind, I came face to face with the past Max and Tess kissing. Their first kiss, the one that started it all.
I’m not sure how long I stood there, just crying bittersweet tears. I’m not sure how long he stood there just watching me, but for any unknown reason, I wasn’t surprised to see him. He stood there behind me, also watching the rainfall, and he made no move to greet me, and I him. It was as if a mutual understanding had been made.
Out of its own will my arm raised slightly, held out towards the sky and feeling the cool water run down my arms, causing shivers to run up and down my spine, yet I don’t mind. I love the rain; it’s soothing. Relaxing. It’s refreshing and new, washing away the dirt and pain from everything it touched. And I stood there letting it wash away my misery for those precious few moments. Without asking, I knew he, also felt the same way as the rain cascaded over us, cleansing our hearts and souls free from the torture they had been put through. Just for those few moments.
I felt a hand on my shoulder and I turned around to face him, surprised and not at the same time. With his eyes he indicated a nearby bench, and I nodded my consent as I followed him over and sat. We sat in uncomfortable silence as we avoided looking at each other, not wanting the other to see the guilt buried in both of our eyes.
Finally I turned to look at him to find him looking at me, and I looked straight back at him, both of us trying to figure out what the other was hiding.
“What are you looking at?” I heard myself ask, my tone not so friendly, more wary and annoyed. Annoyance grew when he said nothing and again we fell into silence. Out of everyone I knew, he would understand me most right now. He would know most about what I was feeling, and he had since the beginning.
“Why did you do it?” I questioned, and I blinked with him as the question escaped my mouth. I never had the intention to ask such a question when I, myself had no right after all that happened. But still my mind could not help but wonder.
“Why did you do it?” His voice wasn’t hostile, but he also held that same wary and defeated tone. I said nothing, and so did he. Silence.
Patter…patter…the rain fell around us, the breeze now sweeping away those tears I hadn’t realized that were still falling.
“For answers.” I turn to him surprised and saw that he wasn’t looking at me anymore, instead staring off into the distance. And I sympathized with him because I knew he was just doing what he had always been trying to do. Protect all of us and get whatever answers he needed to do so.
After a few moments he added quietly. “For her.”
And I understood, any anger and resentment for him washed away with the rain. I felt this odd connection between us as we began to understand each other even more. And quietly I answered his previous question, “For love…for the world.”
And I knew my answer confused him because he was now staring at me strangely, but deep down I knew that he understood what I had meant. We may have bonded, but I would never tell him the reason I did what I did.
“Do you think she will ever forgive me?” He asks. I say nothing because I know she will.
Instead I countered with my own question, “Will he ever forgive me?”
He was silent, and I had my answer. His silence was different because he's not certain and I know. I can only be happy that one of us will be reunited with our love soon, and I hope he will be happy. Our eyes meet and I see the guilt there, mirroring the overwhelming shame in my eyes. Between us we had enough guilt to last a lifetime and more.
It’s strange really. Here we are two people, two completely different people, polar opposites by any other name, sharing more than we could have possibly know in common. "Stonewall" Guerin and Perfect Little Lizzy Parker. Alien and human. Rebel and All American Girl. With only one big secret and overwhelming guilt to keep us together. We both had to hurt the people we love for purely unselfish reasons, and we share that punishment. He used Courtney, and I used Kyle. He hurt my best friend, and I his. We both had our hearts in the right place, protecting everyone else while letting go of our own happiness.
And as we turn away from each other again, some of that isolation I had been feeling slipped away and I knew that our frail friendship had strengthened with comprehension that the other was feeling the same way at that moment, and that we were no longer alone in our guilt. We are both struggling with our secrets, and trying to let go of the ones we love, while at the same time trying to hold onto them with all our heart and soul.
So we both sat there, listening and watching the rain fall silently on the hushed pavement, letting the water wash away those spiraling emotions just for brief moments, guilt hanging over us as we both waited together for that day when Fate shall allow us to love once more.
I never thought I'd end up here
Never thought I'd be standing where I am
I guess I kind of thought that it would be easier than this
I guess I was wrong, now, one more time...
'Cause I tried to climb your steps
I tried to chase you down
I tried to see how low
I could get down to the ground
And I tried to earn my way
I tried to tame this mind
You better believe that I have
Tried to be this
When will this end?
It goes on and on
Over and over and over again
Keeps spinning around
I know that it won't stop
'Til I stand down from this sick cycle carousel
-Sick Cycle Carousel Lifehouse
[ edited 1 time(s), last at 4-Oct-2002 6:14:08 PM ]