posted on 29-Oct-2002 1:59:56 PM by Emotions23
Title: Addicted
Arthur: Lizzy
Rating: PG-13 for language
Paring: Liz’s POV

A/N: First off, this is only a one parter. Secondly, I’ve had this idea in my head for a while. It didn’t take actual form until I heard one of the songs on Christian Aguilera’s new album Stripped. The song is called Walk Away. This is a very angsty. It is set some time after 4AAAB, but before graduation. This is my take on what Liz could be feeling. It is probably going to jump around a bit, but that is to show you her emotions are jumbled. Tell me what you think of it, but be gentle.


Addicted


What do you do when you know something’s bad for you
And you still can’t let go?


I don’t know why I stay. It wouldn’t be too hard to walk away. All I would need to do is turn the other way and not look back, but I can’t. When he hurts me, because he always does, I leave but I always keep going right back to him with open arms. I act like he has done nothing wrong, but the truth is he does everything wrong.

I was naïve
Your love was like candy
Artificially sweet
I was deceived by the wrapping


When we first started this whatever you want to call it, because it’s not a relationship, he was the kindest most gentle lest person ever. He was considerate of my feelings. He made sure not to hurt me intentionally. I was naïve to think that he would never hurt me, because now all he does is hurt me.

Got caught in your web
And I learned how to plead
I was prey in your bed
And devoured completely


Now he doesn’t even consider my feels. He thinks he is doing this for us and I don’t have the strength or the bravery to tell him that he is doing this for him. I don’t know how much more I can take.

And it hurts my soul
Cos I can’t let go
All these walls are caving in
I can’t stop my suffering
I hate to show that I’ve lost control
Cos I, I keep going right back
To the one thing that I need to walk away from


Doesn’t he see what he is doing to me. Everyone else does. They don’t say anything but I can see it in their eyes. Pity. Pity for me, about my situation with him. They saw me go from first priority to last. Even a little boy who he had never set eyes on before came before me. How sad is that?

I need to get away from it
I need to walk away from it
Get away, walk away, walk away


I need to leave, but I can’t walk away from him. I think the reason I stay is because I feel when I’m with him. When I left, I was able to breathe but I wasn’t able to feel. When I saw him again I felt. At first it was happiness, but later it was sadness and pain and heartbreak. How pathetic am I? I stay with someone because they make me feel pain and heartache.

I should have known
I was used for amusement
Couldn’t see through the smog
It was all an illusion


I should have known the first time he needed to ‘take a step back.’ All that was bullshit. Then when she came… I believe that’s when I truly lost him. I never gained him back.

Now I’ve been licking My wounds (licking my wounds)
Woke up in love and seems so great (deeper, deeper)
We both can’t subdue
Darling you hold me prisoner (prisoner)


But it’s not all his fault. I take half the blame. Everytime he was around I lost control of my emotions. Grandma always said to follow my heart. Would she want me to follow my heart if she knew how much pain it has caused me? Would she want me to feel like I was dying when the love of my life, my soul mate, slept with another? Then got her pregnant? Would she?

I’m about to break
I can’t stop this ache
I’m addicted to your lure
and I’m feeling for a cure


How much of a rug am I? I use to know who I was. I use to be able to feel without having to feel like my life is falling apart. I let him walk all over me and I lost myself. I lost the innocent little girl I was. I look in the mirror and I see a poor excuse for what I use to be, for what I could have been.

Every step I take
Leads to one mistake
I keep going right back
To the one thing that I need…


Doesn’t he see what he turned me into? Does he even notice the changes? The last time I felt like I was myself was when Sean was here. Though I hate and am ashamed to admit it he was my savoir for those few months. I was able to breathe without my heart cracking. I was able to look in the mirror and see myself, my beautiful self. The most important thing though was that I was able to feel. He will never know how much he helped me.

I can make it
It’s some state I’m in


I’m shamed to say that when things were getting good between us, He came back and I took him back. How could I have been so stupid? Why does my whole world have to revolve around him?

Getting nothing everytime
What did I do to deserve
The pain of this moment


He’s breaking me, my soul. I feel like just one more thing will break my completely. Alex use to say I was the strongest out of us. I was the rock of everyone, because I was there for everyone when they needed me. I wonder what he would say now. Would he still think I was the strong one or would he say ‘What happen to you?’

And everywhere I turn
I keep going right back
To the one thing that I need to walk away from


I miss him. Alex. How can someone die so young, by the hands of a bitch. I almost broke then, but I didn’t. Maria, Isabel, Kyle, and Alex, especially Alex, needed me to be strong. So I held my breakdown until I was in private. And even then I couldn’t breakdown in peace because of all the alien crap.

I need to get away from it
I need to walk away from it
Get away, walk away, walk away


He couldn’t even have helped me then. How could he when he didn’t believe me? I should have known better. The one thing I am proud of is that I stood up to him. I stood up to the bastard. But what happen in the end. I went back to him.

Everytime I try to grasp for air
I get smothered and this sky, it’s never over, over
Seems I never wake from this nightmare
I let out a solid breath, let it be over, over


Why? I keep asking myself that question. Because I love him. It’s as simple as that.

Inside I’m screaming
Breaking, pleading the world


Again I realize that I had so many times that I could have and should have walked away. But I didn’t. I stayed. I forgave him. I took the blame.

Ahh… My heart has been bruised
So sad but it’s true
Each pep reminds me of you


Did you know that I contemplated taking my own life. It was after Alex died. The only reason I didn’t was cause no one ever left me alone long enough. You think they would have, but they didn’t. I have no doubt in my mind that I would taken my life if everyone would have just left me the fuck alone. I’m kinda glad that I didn’t, but I don’t I know why. I just a feeling I have.

It hurts my soul
Cos I can’t let go
All these walls are caving in
I can’t stop my suffering
I hate to show that I’ve lost control
Cos I, I keep going right back
To the one thing that I need…


I thought we were finally own our way to what we use to have. Then when that bitch came back with his son and he wouldn’t let me kill her, I felt like the air had gotten knocked out of me. I didn’t mind his son, but her… I wouldn’t have hesitated to kill her. A slowly tortuous death. Everyone says that I could never hurt a fly. You wanna something? I can hurt a fly. She was the fly. I would have enjoyed it.

I can make it
It’s some state I’m in


But then I had to let my conscious get in the way and I let her die her own way. Trying to be the hero. I don’t really care as long as she died. I know absolutely that even though I didn’t vote to kill her, I would have killed her later. Maybe in a week, maybe in a year or two or more. She would have paid for what she did to Alex. To Maria. To me.

Getting nothing everytime
What did I do to deserve
The pain of this moment


Even though he gave his son up for adoption and he said I was his first priority, I knew I would never be that to him again. It will always be strained between us. No matter what, but that can’t be helped.

And everywhere I turn
I keep going right back
To the one thing that I need to walk away from


Right now I’m bruised but I’m not broken, yet. For I know that sooner or later I will break. For each step I take I make a mistake.

I say…
I need to get away from it
I need to walk away from it
Get away, walk away, walk away


How could he do this to me? How could be so selfish to not let me go? He did try at first. How could I not have seen who he really was? Because he is not the person I thought he was and he never will be. When will I have the strength to walk away?

Only thin I need to do is walk away

I know. I will never let go of him. I will keep on loving him. Probably till the day I die. I will give him my heart again and will also give him my body.

I need to get away from it
I need to walk away from it
Get away from it


What can I say? I’m addicted to him. I will continue to let him walk over me. I will let him break me. I need to walk away from him, but I can’t. All I can do is prey that I can endure the pain and be happy with what I got. Maybe one day I will have the courage to leave.

I need to get away from it
I need to walk away from it
Get away, walk away, walk away


He will always be the love of my life. My soulmate. I just hope that I can survive his love long enough.

I need to get away from it
I need to walk away from it
Get away, walk away, walk away


Tomorrow I, Liz Parker, will give the last of who I am, the last of my heart, to the one person that can destroy me. Max Evans.

[ edited 3 time(s), last at 1-Nov-2002 12:57:50 AM ]
posted on 30-Oct-2002 1:00:04 PM by Emotions23
Just bumping to the front.*happy*
posted on 1-Nov-2002 12:56:11 AM by Emotions23
A/N:

I just wanted to say thank you to those who left feedback. I was very apprehensive about posting this fic. I just had to express this and this was the only way I could.

I am sorry if I made anyone depressed for that was not my intention. It was just something that I had to write.

Thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts and feelings on this matter. You guys make me feel very glad that I did.


Thank you
Lizzy*happy*