posted on 17-Nov-2002 1:26:08 PM by lorastar
Toxicity
By: lora
Summary: The sequel to Cruel, Liz POV, what happens after she leaves Roswell.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.

A/N: Hey everyone, I’m back with that sequel. I hope you like this.

1-2-2

Prequel

“You’re listening to 91X, the Inland Empire’s number one rock station. We’re here, this Saturday lunch hour, with Maria DeLuca. How are you doing today, Maria?”

“I’m good. You?”

“Pretty good. So…let’s talk about your first single you released a few months ago, “Eternally.” Is there any specific story behind this song?”

“Actually there is…. My friend wrote this about a month before I got my contract, and I decided to sing it. My friend, Max, met this girl when she came to our town looking for our friend, Alex, and they ended up falling in love. Her ex-boyfriend tracked her down and tried to kill her. Max saved her life, and confessed that he was in love. A few days later, Max’s ex-girlfriend showed up, claiming to be pregnant with his baby. Liz was overwhelmed and took off, promising to come back to him one day.”

“Has she?”

“Not yet. They actually ran into each other a few months ago.”

“What happened?”

“….extenuating circumstances made her take off again.”

“If you could say one thing to Liz right now, Maria, what would it be?”

“Max needs you Liz, he’s worse than he’s ever been. The gerbil is gone. I think…hope, that’s she dead. Max doesn’t think she is, but I do, so does Mikey. Mikey wants you to come back, he misses you, which is a miracle in itself. Ava says hi. We miss you, babe, and can’t wait for you to come back.”

“Well, Liz, if you’re listening, I think you know you’re loved. Now, let’s play that song for the Inland Empire. Maria, care to introduce it?”

“This is Maria DeLuca, “Eternally” on the Inland Empire’s favorite station, 99.1.”

“I had a dream,
that the last nine months weren’t real.
That I’d wake up,
And you’d be here,
Holding my hand,
Stroking my hair,
Telling me that it’s all been a bad dream.
And if it was real,
That you’d forgiven me.

And we would be so happy,
And eternally grateful….”

I turn off the radio, silently. I’ve heard that song about 2,000 times. I bought Maria’s cd. She used one of my songs on it. I sent it to her. It’s called Cruel. Just like Alex’s book. Because, you know, life is just so cruel.

Maybe it’s toxic.

I’m strong now.

I can handle the toxicity of it all.

What else can I do?

Die.

Sometimes I want to.

I saw him.

In Utah.

At a convenience store.

We stared at each other.

And hugged and kissed.

We’re so sappy.

That’s when it happened.

The green sparks.

I guess I should’ve known they were related to him.

Whenever I thought of him, my hands would get all green and sparky.

Like now.

Down sparky, down.

I know this is bad.

It hurts, staying away from him. Not talking to him. Having no correspondence with him.

Hmm...he green sparks...they hurt, too, but in a different way, a physical way. You try having these green sparks in your hands that set fire to things, and then we'll talk about pain.

I can’t go back and leave him.

My heart wouldn’t take it.

Am I ready to go back and stay?

No.

I have to be myself.

Who am I?

I don’t know.

Not anymore.

“So this is odd,
The painful realization that has all gone wrong.
And nobody cares at all, and nobody cares at all.
So you buried all your lover’s clothes and burned the letters lover wrote,
But it doesn’t make it any better.
Does it make it any better?
And the plaster dented from your fist in the hall where you had your first kiss
reminds you that the memories will fade.
So this is strange,
Our sidestepping has come to be a brilliant dance where nobody leads at all,
Where nobody leads at all.
And the picture frames are facing down and the ringing from this empty sound is deafening and keeping you from sleep.
And breathing is a foreign task and thinking is just too much to ask and you’re measuring your minutes by a clock that’s blinking eights.
This is incredible.
Starving, insatiable, yes,
This is love for the first time.
Well, you’d like to think that you were invincible.
Yeah, well weren’t we all once before we felt loss for the first time?
Well, this is the last time.”
(The Brilliant Dance- Dashboard Confessionals

[ edited 3 time(s), last at 7-Dec-2002 11:49:40 AM ]
posted on 24-Nov-2002 1:12:26 PM by lorastar
Hey, everyone. Here's more. Thank you all for the fb, I hope you like this next part!

Hehe...I love feedback!
-Lora

Part 1

“Hello?” The voice on the other end says.

“Hey, Maria, is Michael there?”

“Yeah, he is…Liz.” Maria’s voice drops to a whisper as she says my name. “I’ll go get him.” I can hear her setting the phone down and the muffled conversation in their room.

“Is that Liz?” Sounds of movement.

“Max, no. It’ll just upset you. Don’t talk to her.”

“I have to.”

“Max, NO. I’m going to get Michael. Don’t touch that phone or I’ll kick you out of the apartment.”

I can hear a door open and footsteps rushing out of the room, as other footsteps get closer to the phone.

“Liz?” He asks me.

I can’t do this.

I can’t talk to him.

I’m not strong enough.

Yeah, that’s me, weak little girl without a mind of her own.

Nah.

“Liz?”

I stay silent.

“Please talk to me, Liz. I can’t take this anymore. I need you. Please come back.”

I stay silent. Do I even need to tell you that this is torture?

My hand is getting all green and sparky.

“Tell me where you are.”

I pull the phone away from my ear.

My apartment door opens.

“Liz?” Max asks.

“Liz, I’m home.”

“Liz, I love you.”

I hang up.

I look at the phone. It’s all deformed now, the plastic bent from where my hand was holding it.

“Who was that? Who were you talking to this time? Didn’t I tell you I hate it when you talk to people I don’t know?” He advances toward me, a scowl on his face. He’s just kidding, right? He loves me. I know he does. He’s told me so. He hates it that I don’t love him. I’ve never told him that I love Max. How could I?

“Liz? What’s wrong?” He’s in my face now, wrapping his arms around me.

“Let go.” I tell him, and get off the chair I had been curled up on. I run out the door, avoiding looking at him and seeing the devastated look on his face.

I run a lot now. I’m not a waitress. I work in an office. And sing on the weekends. He hates that.

I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life.

Chris was the biggest.

Or was that leaving Max?

Chris.

He loves me. He tells me so.

Why can’t I love him?

I know I should.

Am I heartless?

Or just numb?

He was my biggest mistake. But I can’t fix that now.

He puts up with so much. So much abuse. He just sits there and takes what I can dish out. He never reacts to it. Never gets mad at me. Never threatens me. Why? He never flinches at the punches, the slaps, the verbal abuse. He never abuses me. He lets me abuse him. He jokes about him being the abuser. But it’s me. I abuse him. I abuse everyone. I ruin everyone’s lives.

I should leave again.

No one deserves this type of treatment, this abuse. No one should have to put up with me.

How does he do it? Why does Chris put up with everything I do? I don’t get it, I don’t make him happy, why does he stick around? He’d be so much better off without me. I wish he would leave.

I wish the whole world would just leave.

Leave me alone.

I’m not bitter, honest.

I glance around to see where I’ve ran. A park. I run to the slide and sit there, allowing the tears to come. They fall. I’ve messed up so bad. Everything is horrible.

It’s Saturday. I sing tonight at the nightclub. Chris never comes. He hates it that I sing. He tells me to shut up whenever I do. But it’s the only thing that makes me happy now. The abuse doesn’t. Does he want me to be unhappy? Is telling me to shut up how he controls me, keeps me as unhappy as he is? He doesn’t love me.

I sit there for a few hours, just thinking about everything I ran from, and how I never stop running. I wipe the tears away, and run back to the apartment. Chris opens the door, face showing no emotion.

“Hey, Chris.” I whisper gently.

He turns his head and looks at me with complete indifference, with a sliver of anger. “Are you singing tonight?”

“Yes. You gonna come?”

“You know I hate it when you sing. Stop.” He sits in his favorite chair and grabs a magazine to read.

“I love it, Chris. It makes me happy.”

“I don’t care. I hate it. If I catch you singing again, I won’t be held accountable for my actions.”

He has no right to tell me this. My life is my life.

I walk to him and raise my hand.

“Yes you will.” I move to slap him, but he grabs my arm and twists it.

I whimper in pain and move to pull my arm from his grasp. He tightens it and pushes me down to the ground.

“Don’t ever try to do that again.” I look at him. Who is he? What changed while I was gone? “Max called.” Well…ask and you shall receive.

Chris stares at his magazine. I stare at the wall, my mouth falling open. Max called? He’s never done that before. He’s never had the chance. Oh, God, this is bad.

“I told him to never call again. He got mad and hung up.” I look at him. “I don’t want you around him.” Chris glances up at me, and I quickly walk into the bedroom.

Max. Called. Me.

Max.

Max.

Max.

Max.

Max.

Max.

Max.

Max.

I still love him.

Love him like I could never love anyone else.

I love Max.

I love Max.

Can Max make everything better?

Can he make me better?

I want to be made better.

I want to be better.

I want to be with Max.

I love him.

I need him.

But how I can I just run to him?

After everything that’s happened? After all the horrible things I’ve done? How can I go back and have a happy life? I don’t deserve a happy life. I don’t deserve anything. I don’t even deserve death, and that’s what I’m wishing for most now.

I just want to die.

To end all this.

To end all this pain, everything I’ve ever done, I want death.

I don’t deserve it.

I don’t deserve it.

How sad.

I don’t deserve Max.

I deserve abuse and pain and hatred.

That’s all I’m worth.

I’m not worth anything good.

This is what my life has come down to.

Abuse. Pain. Death.

It hurts. Isn’t that obvious?

I snap out of my self-pity party, and quickly dress in a black dress and pile my hair up on my head.

Yes, after all that has happened, I still wear black, and lots of it.

I grab my keys and am about to run out the front door when Chris speaks from his seat.

“Don’t leave.”

Why.

“I don’t want to hurt you, Liz.”

“I don’t want to hurt you anymore either, Chris.”

“But I will if I have to.” He continues, speaking as if he hadn’t heard me.

Whatever, Chris, I’m leaving. I open the door and quickly run down the stairs, before Chris can catch me. Hmm…I’m thinking I’m gonna stay somewhere else tonight.

I unlock my car and drive away.

Want to hear a story of my mistakes? How I got in this situation with Chris? Well…I need to rehash it one more time.

I ran away from Roswell. I ran away from everything I had ever hopped to find. Stupid, huh? I thought you would agree with me.

Chris had been one of my coworkers at 1947, the club I worked at with Max. I saw him when I got in town. He offered to let me stay at his new apartment. I accepted. I never left his apartment. I attached myself to the first guy I could find.

I locked myself in the bathroom for the first few days, maybe a few weeks. Then I realized, I couldn’t just stay in a locked room for the rest of my life. I started college. Got a job. Found a new club to sing at. Started to get to know Chris.

Then he started asking me about Max. Why I left him when we looked so happy together, when we danced so well together. I told him dancing isn’t love. He told me he had a crush on me. I told him that was nice. He held me in his arms and kissed me. I told him that was nice.

He kept asking about my past. What I was running from, was it Max? Did he do something to me? He made me think about Max. I couldn’t think about him, not then. That’s when the abuse started. Chris seemed surprised. Every time I yelled at him, or hit him, I was yelling and hitting Paul. And then I was hitting and yelling at Tess, for ruining my life. It was never really about Chris. Never.

The streets slip past quickly and soon I pull into the parking lot and get out of my car. All the Saturday regulars greet me and I pretend to smile back at them. The whole situation with Chris has left me a little shaky.

I go into the backroom and get ready to go on stage.

“Liz?” I look up. One of the waitresses is standing in the doorway. “Five minutes ‘till you go on.” I nod and smile at her, before checking my makeup one last time.

In five minutes I’m on stage singing my heart out.

“I guess it could be said that life is cruel,
All the crazy people spinning around
With lost people stubborn as a mule
Everyone believes they are hell bound
Around you, everything is spinning
The world, the clouds, the people, and the bottle
It stops at you and leaves you regretting
All the times you had stopped to dawdle

The bottle stops but you’re not playing
Its landed on you and you have no choice
Your tattered heart still feels like it’s bleeding
As he does plead, you find you have no voice
You turn to run and to leave it in the past
Because how could this type of love ever last?”

That’s the song of Maria’s cd that I sent her. Her album is dedicated to love. Honestly. It’s kinda funny that she has a song by Max and a song by me on the same album. I heard a remix of the two of them, I have it in my car.

I look into the audience and smile. Sitting at the closest table to the stage is Mikey. I look at him and smile, as he waves at me. I walk to the other side of the stage and movement at the back of the club catches my eye. I peer into the darkness and see Chris. He looks at me, completely livid, before turning and storming out.

The song ends and I run down to Mikey.

“Hey!” I say, giving him a huge hug and settling down on his lap.

“Hey, Lizzey. Alex and Maria say hi.”

“Tell them I say hi when you go back.”

“Can we go somewhere private to talk?”

I look at his face, trying to find a clue of what he wants to talk about. He won’t look me in the eye, though.

“Sure.” I drag him behind me into the backroom. “What did you want to talk about?”

“Come back, Liz. Come back with me tonight.”
------------------------------------------------
tbc?

fb please!
posted on 1-Dec-2002 2:31:33 PM by lorastar
Thank you for all the fb, I unfortunately don't have time to respond, but I hope you all like this part.
-Lora

Part 2

“Come back, Liz. Come back with me tonight.”

“I can’t Mikey.” I can’t face Max. “You know that.” I turn around and look at the wall.

Michael puts his hand on my shoulder and turns me around to face him. He grabs my hand and looks down at my arm. At my new bruise. My only bruise…from Chris.

“What’s this from?” He points at it angrily.

“I fell down at class earlier. This guy helped me back up. He tried to catch me before I hit the ground, but that didn’t work.” I lie.

He nods.

“Please. Just please come back. Max needs you-“

“I wouldn’t be able to help Max. I would make it worse!” I cut him off and yell.

“Liz. You’re wrong. I’ve seen Max with you and without you, and he’s so much worse off without you. He sits in his room for days and mopes. God, Liz, I can’t stand to hear Counting Crows one more time! I’m begging you!”

It hurts to hear about Max.

“I-“ I turn around so that Mikey doesn’t see the tears that always come when I think of Max.

I glance down and see my hands are getting all green and sparky again. I’ll just ignore it. Michael turns me around again and I accidentally point my hand at a book. It bursts into flame. I really wish I could stop doing that. I burnt most of books that way.

“Liz?”

“What?”

“Does that happen a lot?”

“Only when I think about Max.” I admit and lower my eyes. “I do still think about him. I still love him.”

“Then why won’t you go back?”

“So many things have happened, Michael.” I look him in the eyes. “I’m not a good person any more. I don’t even know if I ever was. I hate myself, Michael. And I can’t let Max see that. I can’t let him see what I’ve become.”

“What did you do that would make Max stop loving you?”

“I took my anger out on someone else. Someone who had nothing to do with any of the mess I was in. I’ve hit him so many times, I’ve yelled him, I’ve made him feel like nothing. I can’t even live with myself anymore, Mikey. I can’t let Max see what I’ve done. And you know he can see right through me. I just can’t. I’m not strong enough. I can’t deal with any of this. I can’t even deal with the fact that Max had a baby with another girl. I blame Tess for all of this.”

“We all blame her.” Mikey moves closer to me and puts his arms around me, pulling me closer to him. The tears flow quickly out of my eyes and wet his shirt. “It’ll be okay. Max will understand. And you are strong, you’re not acting like it, but I know there’s strength in you somewhere.”

“Thanks, Mikey.”

“No prob.”

We hug in silence for a few minutes, before I pull away from his embrace.

“I’ll come back. I promise. When I can find myself. When I know that I’m a decent human being. Aite?” I smile gently at him.

“I’ll be back for you. Get away from this guy you took everything out on. Try to make it better and get away from him. I’ll give you two months before I come to get you. It’s already been a year, you know.”

I nod. “Yeah, it’s been a long hard year. Aite, I’ll get away from him.”

“I guess I should be heading back now.”

“Aite. Drive safely.”

“Yeah.”

“I’m sorry Mikey.”

“About what?”

“That you had to come all this way for nothing.”

“It wasn’t nothing. I feel better knowing you’re safe. You have our new address, right?”

“Yeah. I’ll write you guys. Umm….”

“What?”

“Tell Max…. Tell Max I heard him, and that I love him, too. Tell him I’ll be back when…I make things better.”

I smile at Michael, and he nods before giving me another hug.

“It’ll be aite, Michael. Everything will be aite.”

“Yeah, you just remember that. See you in a few months.”

“Aite.” I smile as he leaves. I stand there for a few minutes before sliding to the ground and dissolving into tears again. I can do this.

One of the waiters finds me and helps me out to my car, about fifteen minutes later. I drive slowly back to my apartment, and climb the stair cautiously. I’m even more shaken up then before, if that’s possible.

The door eases open when I push on it gently. One light is one. Oh God, déjà vu. Is Paul going to slam the door with his magical alien powers, corner me, and stab me to death again? Is it a good sign that I can be sarcastic about my last near death experience? I think it is.

One thing would be different this time, though. Max wouldn’t be around to save me. Nope. My alien move machine is not in the same city, apartment, or state as me.

“Hey, Liz.”

I turn around.

“Hey Chris.”

“I’m gonna make things right, now.”

I close my eyes and wait for the first blow.

“You’re nothing, Liz. You aren’t worth anything. Nothing good will ever come to you again. When good things do, I’ll always be there, making sure they get taken away. I’ll never let you live your life in happiness. I’ll make sure everyone knows the horrible truth about you, how you abuse the good things in your life. What do you say to that, Liz? Huh?”

“It was never about you.” I mumble under my breath, my eyes still closed.

“It was never about you.” He mocks me. “Well, then, enlighten me, Princess Liz, who was it about?”

“Paul, Tess, it was about them. It was about Max, and it was about ME! It was about me, Chris, it was about me!” I open my eyes and yell at him. He slams the door and locks, the good ole-fashioned way, by fingers, and not powers.

“That makes it so much better. You abused me for almost a year because of you? Well, I’m going to enjoy ruining you. Keep your eyes open, I think I want you to see you fall down and die.”

For heavens sake, how many people are almost killed twice by disgruntled boyfriends? Like I’ve said before, I really know how to choose them, don’t I? Oh well, I’m pretty sure I deserve it this time.

“So how you going to do it? Gun? Knife? That’s what Paul used. He stabbed me right here.” I lift my shirt up and show him the spot. “It was really effective wasn’t it?”

A look of horror crosses Chris’ face. I see his face fall a little, as he looks back and puts the knife back on the counter. He looks heartbroken that he’s not the first guy to try to kill me. I almost feel sorry for him, almost.

I do feel sorry for him. I’m sorry that I led him to this, that I forced him to want to kill me. If I get out of this apartment alive, I’m gonna take off, say goodbye to Max and go someplace nobody will ever find me. I’m kinda tired of making people want to kill me. It gets kind of tiring after a while.

“Go ahead, Chris. Maybe it’ll hurt just as much this time. Please? I really want to have those wonderful ‘my life is about to end’ thoughts. I always get so much out of them.”

He looks at me again, this time the anger is blazing in his eyes. He grabs the knife again and trudges over to me. He sets the knife down and I close my eyes. The one thing I really can’t stand during this part is looking into my murderer’s eyes. It’s just too creepy, in my mind.

I’m brought back to my senses by the stinging of his hand on my cheek, the pounding of his fist into my eye, my stomach, the shaking. Like I said, the harder I push, the further I fall. I’ve almost fallen as far as I can fall. He doesn’t stop. It’s hurting a lot now. I don’t try to fight. I’m making it right, now. I’m going to die. But it’ll be all right. I’ll have made it all right.

I’m going to die.

Chris stops punching and I pull myself up tall, despite the pain.

I’m going to die.

He holds me by the shoulder and thrusts the knife into my abdomen.

I’m going to die.

And that’s when I make my mistake.

I know I’m going to die.

I open my eyes.

I’m going to die.

I look deep into Chris’ eyes.

I’m going to die.

But this is my show.

I’m going to die.

And maybe I’ll fight.

I’m going to die.

Maybe I’ll go to heaven after all.

I’m going to die.

I’m still staring in his eyes.

I’m going to die.

He turns and runs to the locked door.

I’m going to die.

He unlocks the door.

I’m going to die.

He’s leaving.

I’m going to die alone.

I fall to the ground as he slams the door behind him.

I’m going to die alone.

I’ll always be alone.

I’m going to die alone.

I’ll never see Max again.

I’m going to die alone.

I loved young.

I’m going to die young.

I fell hard.

I’m going to die young.

I’m done falling.

posted on 7-Dec-2002 11:47:07 AM by lorastar
Hey, everyone! I am so bad about answering f/b, but I will get around to it one of these days! Hopefully tomorrow! I hope you all like this.

Answer to one fb: We know they're aliens, but we don't know that they're kings and all sorts of royalty, yet.

Well...remember that I love feedback! Hehe...
Enjoy!
-Lora

Part 3

I’m done falling.

So here I am, dying. Lying on the floor of a small apartment, hidden behind a couch, dying. Wow, I guess history really does repeat itself if you don’t learn from it. I’m sorry I didn’t. I guess this is no time for humor.

The blood is gushing. I’m pretty mad. He ruined my favorite black dress, now I’m going to have to wear that white one. For what? My funeral? My hands are cold. I wish he would’ve left me a blanket. I want to be warm when I die.

It’s raining. I can hear the pitter patter on the windows. I always liked the rain. I always wanted to go dancing in the rain with someone I loved. I guess I won’t get to.

Chris made me a liar.

I won’t see Mikey in two months. I won’t go back to Max. Ava and I won’t be shopping at the mall anymore.

Do I always have these thoughts?

Correction: Do I always have these thoughts as I’m dying?

I’m pretty sure I do.

I need some originality.

Think Parker, think. How can you make this death scene different from your last one?

I know! I won’t get saved by an alien.

*Knock Knock *

No, I don’t want Girl Scout cookies.

No, I’m not telling myself knock knock jokes as I die.

*Knock knock *

Oh, just come in. Hope the site of death doesn’t repel you. I could use some company.

The door opens and Mikey bursts through. Ta DA!

Hmm…how many people were expecting that?

I see the bright light.

I hear a siren.

Maybe I can stay a little longer.

Or at least try.

There are so many more things I want to try in my life.

Like rye bread and pastrami.

Like Grey Poupon bought with a coupon.

HEHE….

I told Chris I like these ‘my life is almost over’ thoughts.

Mikey kneels beside me and takes my hand.

I panic.

Am I going to die?

I don’t want to die.

I don’t want to die young.

More people pour through the door. People in uniforms, they come with a stretcher. They lift me onto it. Michael is still holding my hand. He’s not letting me go.

Thank you Mikey.

I don’t want to die.

Please don’t let me die.

They take me out of the building.

They put me in an ambulance.

They let Michael sit with me.

They talk to me.

I can’t talk back.

They’re putting pressure on my wound.

Max isn’t here to save me.

Michael is on a cell phone.

I hear him say the name ‘Max.’

Michael puts the phone to my ear.

I hear Max.

He tells me things to comfort me.

He tells me beautiful things.

I’m thinking, Michael must be mad he’s using long-distance cell phone minutes on me and Max.

Max is telling me he loves me.

He’s telling me to hang in there because he wants a happily ever after.

We’re at the hospital.

Max is talking to Michael as they take me away.

The doctors and nurses are yelling things over my body.

I try to stay.

I try to stay for Max.

I made things right.

I need to know who I am now.

I need the blackness to go away.

I need the blackness to go away.

I’m not going to die.

I’m not going to die.

When the will the blackness go away?

Will it ever go away?

Am I sleeping?

I’m not dead.

I can’t move.

I can’t speak.

Michael is beside me.

He’s telling me to come back.

But I’m not dead.

The doctors are talking to him beside me.

They say there is a chance I won’t wake up.

I’m thinking: I’m not Juliet.

I’m thinking Max isn’t Romeo.

I’m thinking: happily ever after endings don’t work.

I’m thinking work darn it, work.

I’m not going to die.

I’m going to make it.

If only this blackness would go away.

I thought I had stopped falling.

But now I think this is truly the bottom.

Now I won’t fall.

Now I won’t push.

Now I’ll sleep.