|posted on 10-Dec-2002 6:09:38 PM by MLDreamer69|
Without You Chapter 1/1
Author: Kylie (CrashdownGirlR⊕aol.com)
Summary: Liz's reflection on the past.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything with Roswell so don't sue me!
Author's Note: I had gotten an idea to write this while I was listening to Something Corporate 's "I Woke Up In A Car". I don't know why but the way the song sounded (maybe also the lyrics) just gave me this idea of a story and I wrote this. I hope you enjoy it! I haven't written anything in about 6-7 months!
Author's Note About The Fanfic: When Liz heard about Tess pregnant, She stopped trying to solve Alex's murder. This is my version of Max telling Liz that Tess is pregnant with his child. Michael and Isabel cannot heal at all! Read Summary.
Sorry if this story is confusing, I may have been confused writing this myself... xP
Dedicated to: Phoebe, Jodi, Jeannie, Denise, Oksana, Omara, Aly, Ali, Andrea, Jin, Sarah, Yash, Hiu Ching, Sushmita, Natasha, Brian, Jane, and Teron.
Without the love of your life, life is painful. Knowing that he slept with someone else and got that person pregnant is just too hard. I couldn't bear to see him or her, Tess Hardling. The person he had gotten pregnant with his son. My mind would scream, "That should've been my son!" and "I should be the one pregnant with Max's beautiful baby". Everything was so out of control during that time. Alex's death. Tess pregnant. Max's way home - UFO ship. Maria going to New York to pursue her singing career. Michael off with Maria. Isabel dating Jesse. Everyone was moving on with their lives except me. I chose to live in the past. Everyday, remembering everything that brought my world crashing down on me. I would cry everyday and just wish that all the painful memories never happened.
I sometimes wish that Future Max never came. Max and I would've been married. Alex would still be alive. Alex and Isabel would still be a couple. Michael and Maria would be in Roswell and maybe a couple. Tess would be gone forever.... Why did he have to come? Oh yes, He had to come because the world will end if he didn't try to change it. I know Max only wants to do what's good but he turned my life upside down, spinning around and around, never stopping. I sometimes would spin in circles over and over again, hoping for that certain pair of arms to catch me, to steady me and to stop me from falling. But that certain person never came.
The night I had found out about Tess and the baby, I was going to throw up. I couldn't handle the thought of Max and Tess sleeping together. The sight disgusted me. I wanted Max back but the thought of him just being with someone else that way made me angry. Made my mind tear apart. It tore my world apart. I felt as if he had stabbed my heart with a knife and then tore it to pieces. I felt like he had killed me. Murdered me.
The night where Max told Liz what happened
I sat on my balcony chair, writing in my journal about how Alex's death had affected me and all the good times we had. Then I heard a whispered shout, "Liz!". I closed the journal and placed it on the chair while I got up. I looked over and saw Max. He was standing by the wall, looking up at me with a half smile and half frown. His eyes told all. He had something important to tell me and it told me that it was going to hurt me dearly.
"Can you come down to talk?"he whispered, his hands fiddling, his feet shuffling.
"Ok, Give me a minute"I said. I crawled through the window, into my room, and walked downstairs. Opening the door, I stood in front of Max.
"I need to tell you something important but please don't interrupt me. I don't want to repeat myself and it's hard enough for me to say it the first time ok?"
I nodded my head slowly. I leaned against the wall and stared at him. His eyes began to tear up and he nodded his head. The sky began to sound with thunders. The dark clouds began to fly in, covering the light of the sun. It slowly became all dark and gloomy.
"When you were going to go to Sweden, trying to solve Alex's murder, We had a big fight. I felt so lost and scared. I felt like I lost a piece of myself, a huge piece. I felt I had no control on my world anymore. I didn't feel like a king, a leader. I felt like a boy who had the weight of the world on his shoulders and everything was going out of control. Isabel had left me. Michael had left me. Maria was in New York. You had left me. I had gone to look at the stars to think at the observatory and Tess came. I felt like she was the only person who stayed and will never leave me. I don't know how but we were talking and the next thing I know we were kissing. Then the kissing led to... It led to sex"he said, staring at me with tears running down his face.
The clouds began to rain as if they were crying for us. I felt the world stop. My heart stopping. My body cold and numb. My brain slowly processing all the information I had just learned.
Max. Tess. Sex. Max. Tess. Sex. Max. Tess. Sex.
That was the only three words going through my mind. I felt tears stinging my dry eyes. My lips dry and speechless. I had no idea what was going on. I didn't want to believe it but it was true. He was telling me this. I didn't want to hear this. I didn't want to believe it. I just kept thinking 'It's not true. It's just lies! Lies! All lies! It's not true! Please God, it's not real'.
"No, Liz! I need to finish. When I woke up in the morning, next to Tess, I immediately regretted it. If I had the power to, I would turn back time and stop it. If I could wish upon a star, I would turn back time. I would give anything to turn back time. I would even die so I wouldn't sleep with her. I wish I could just stop it. But I can't. Tess had thought we had a relationship but I went along with it. I don't know why but I did. And every second I was with her, I was thinking about you. Thinking about how much I loved you. Thinking about how much I wish I could hold you in my arms and kiss you. I hated every second with her. I felt like killing myself. The more time I spent with her, the more I regretted that night. A few days later, Tess told me some disturbing news that changed my whole world. Liz, She's pregnant with my child..."he spoke over the rain, stepping towards me.
I took a step backwards. Tears ran down my cheeks, falling to the ground. My clothes and his clung to our bodies. My hair clinging to my face. Water pooling around us.
"Did you not think to use protection? DIDN'T YOU?!? Why did you sleep with her? We had both said things that day we didn't mean. But sleeping with her? Ugh, I can't even bear to say her name! How could you? If you loved me enough, You would've never slept with her!"I screamed.
"Everything was so hectic at the moment! It's not like I carry a condom everywhere I go, hoping to get lucky! Yes, we both said things we didn't mean that day but it was all true! It was the truth! She was the only one there. Isabel with Jesse. Michael with Maria in New York. Alex gone. You leaving on your little adventure to solve his murder! Tess was the only one still here for me! I do love you! I don't know what I was doing. I regret it so much Liz! You have to believe me!"
I didn't know what else to say. I was speechless. I didn't know what to think. This was too much for me to handle - Overload. I felt like dropping to the ground and crying my eyes out, dying. He stared at me. His eyes told all. They begged for forgiveness and he really did regret what happened. But I couldn't forgive him that easily. He hurt me. He broke my heart. Why does he keep bringing me both happiness and pain? Why do I always forgive him? Yes, Because I love him. But this was just beyond... I can't forgive him.
"Max, I think you should leave now..."I whispered.
He stiffened and then grabbed my hands. I pull them away from him roughly, showing him physically that I was repulsed by him at the moment. The thought of her and him touching each other naked and doing what they were did. It disgusted me and made me repulsed by him.
"Please Liz. Forgive me. I love you!"he shouted as thunder sounded, light cracked across the sky.
"No, Max! Leave!"
"I love you Liz! Forgive me!"
"LEAVE! I always forgive you! To tell you the truth, I'm tired of it! You bring me both happiness and pain at the same times. I WISH YOU NEVER BROUGHT ME BACK TO LIFE! I HATE YOU! LEAVE!"I screamed, sobbing. I was shocked by what I said. It just came out. I don't know if I meant it or not. I was blinded by rage, disgust, and pain at the moment.
He stared at me, hoping to see me change my mind. But I didn't. He nodded his head with tears and a shaking body. He was hurt just as I was. We were both in great pain. He turned around slowly and tilted his head to the side, and looked at me through the corner of his eyes.
"I'm sorry Liz.... I hope someday you can forgive me"he said and walked away.
I just stood there, letting the rain soak through me. I watched him walk away slowly. I wanted to call out to him. I wanted to run to him and hug him. I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to forgive him. I wanted to... But I couldn't move. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't do anything. I just collapsed to the ground on my hands and knees. My head facing towards the ground, I cried my heart out.
I don't remember much about what happened after that. I just know that my heart was shattered into million pieces. I remembering crying day after day, night after night. Tissues flooded the garbage bin and the ground. My pillows smelling salty. My lips cracked and dry. My eyes bloodshot. I lost sense of reality. Everything seemed to spin. I tried to grab onto something steady, something still but I felt as if I couldn't grab onto anything. It felt like I was a ghost. My hands would just go through objects and people.
- Flashback -
The Boarding School Option
After a couple of days, I had gone to my father, Jeff Parker, with a brochure of a boarding school called Winnamin Academy for Girls. It's was in Vermont. I felt like I wasn't moving in Roswell, New Mexico. I felt like I wasn't breathing and living in Roswell. I needed to go somewhere where I could think, feel free, and breathe. I needed time away from all the problems. I needed to get my life back together.
I haven't seen Max for at least a week so far. I've been avoiding him and I think he's been doing the same too. I heard Maria didn't go through with the singing contract because they made her sing songs she didn't want to. Isabel is engaged to Jesse. Tess... Well, she's just being a bitch. Every time I blink, go to sleep and think, I would always somehow see her in my mind, dancing around, smiling saying she's pregnant with Max's child and she's with him, and I'm not. I hated her so much. I, several times, thought about ways to kill her. Poison her. Stab her. Shoot her. Beat her. I thought about all the ways to kill a person.
"Dad, um... I was wondering if we can talk"I said, standing by the booth he was sitting in.
He looked up, tilting his glasses, and nodded his head. I sat down across from him, watching him shuffle some of the bills to the side. He sighed and focused his attention on me.
"So what's up, honey?"he said with a smile.
"I want to go to boarding school"I said quickly without looking into his eyes.
"Wh-What? Boarding school? Honey, Why? Did something happen?"he asked, concerned.
Should I tell him? Should I not tell him? He had already hated Max a bit somewhere deep down. I didn't want him to hate him more. I keep picturing my dad shooting Max with his shotgun for hurting me. Not a good image...
"No, Nothing happened. I just need to get away from here for a while. To think and to learn how to be on my own"I said, finally looking at him, eye-to-eye.
"Think about what honey? Why?"he questioned.
"Please dad... Don't make it so complicated. I just need to do this ok? Please try to understand"I pleaded.
He stared at me and sighed. Scratching his head, he rubbed his eyes. I watched him, trying to find some answer through his movements and face expression. His mouth opened and shut.
"Um, well, you're always been a good little girl. Since you and I both don't want to make it so complicated, I guess, My answer's gonna be Yes... You know your mother and I are always here if you need us right?"
"I know... Thanks daddy"I whispered.
"Oh jeez... How am I going to tell Nancy?"he said.
I went to boarding school. I didn't say goodbye to anybody except to my parents. I don't think I would've left if I told them I was going away. I think I would've stayed because most likely, they will tell me to stay. Traveling on that bus, watching Roswell grow smaller and smaller, I was free, finally breathing. I felt as if the world was no longer crashing down on me. Everything seemed to cease to exist. No problems. No anything. I watched the sun glow down on the desert. The clouds floating around. Birds flying in the air. I was free.
Soon, I was on my own. I had a roommate named, Eileen. We didn't click like Maria and I did but we were good friends. I found out that the Winnamin Academy wasn't as good as I thought. No, the school was great but the girls weren't. They had their little secret hangout up in the attic. They stored liquor up there. I soon became a drinker. I would drink my pain away everyday. I did feel free but somehow, somewhere my painful memories always came back to haunt me. I would drink and drink just to forget the world. I would wake up in the morning, hung over. Alcohol took away my pain, even if it was only for a little while, it took away my pain.
While at the Boarding school, I discovered something about me. I had powers like Max, Michael, Isabel, and Tess did. But my powers weren't like theirs except for the fact that I could heal and could change molecular structure. I guess some of Max's powers must've transferred to me when he healed me... When I touched people and things, I could foresee what will happen. I could stop bad things before they happened. I also saw good things, of course.
After I graduated from High School, I was accepted into many colleges. But I never went to college. I went on to pursue a job in New York and own my home, my own apartment. I soon slowly began to forget about all the painful memories. Began to forget Max and Tess. I just began to forget everything in my past. Then one day (A couple of years from graduating HS), I received a letter that was old and worn in my mail box. Addressed to Me, Elizabeth Parker from Maria DeLuca in Roswell, New Mexico.
I stared at the letter. It seemed like it had trouble coming to me. It was worn at the sides. The ink almost fading. The stamp designs were at least one year old. I quickly opened the letter with a letter opening. I unfolded the paper and there was Maria's handwriting. It wasn't neat like usual but it was messy like she had quickly written it down and just sent it. I began to read it.
- Letter -
Hi. I understand why you left. Max told me everything. I'm so sorry chica. I didn't find out until I came back from New York with Michael. How are you? You probably heard... I didn't go through with my singing career contract. I'm going to still try to pursue it but I just want to sing my own songs, you know? Michael and I are seriously thinking about getting back together. He drives me nuts but he makes me happy. Maybe we'll even get married. *gasp* Haha. I never really think about us that way but there is a possible maybe in the future. Well, Reply soon.
Your Best Friend forever,
Behind that was another letter dated much differently from the previous later. It was a couple of months later.
- Letter -
Hi. Tess killed Alex. Michael, Max, and Isabel found something unusual about Alex's death. They had found out that Alex never went to Sweden and they became so into finding out about Alex's death, Like you had been years ago. They spent months, trying to find out what had happened to him. They soon found out that Tess had mind-warpped Alex's mind so much that it weakened his brain and the last mind-warp she did on him, he died. They soon found out that Tess had betrayed them all. She was working with Khivar. Nasado was working with them too. Nasado was never their protector. The baby was a lie. It was just another one of Tess's mind-warps. The baby never existed. We found another man who was the real protector of them. His name is Kal Langley. Yes, the Hollywood director! Their protector said he failed and wasn't their protector anymore. Michael, Max, and Isabel went to fight Tess and Nasado but then somehow Khivar had come onto Earth in this new portale. They were fought and fought in a battle outside of Roswell in the desert. In the end, Evil had lost its battle. But Max was so badly wounded and drained of his powers, he wasn't able to heal himself. Michael and Isabel were wounded but it wasn't as critical as Max's. Right now, Max is hanging on by a thread. I don't know how long they will live but I know it's not long. I know you are out of the whole Czechovakian world but I thought I would just let you know. Attached to this is a unsent letter written by Max Evans when he found out you had left and a recent letter by him. Goodbye.
That was it. As I read it, I started to cry. Just thinking of Max dying brought tears to my eyes. Even though we were apart, it didn't affect me because he was alive and healthy. But now he's dying. Everything has changed. Max Evans is going to just be a memory soon. He's going to be no longer on this Earth. He's going to be no longer here. He's going to be gone. Forever gone. I began to read Max's unsent letter.
- Unsent Letter -
Hi. I really don't know what to say. You leaving, it's bringing me pain. I know why you left. You couldn't stand me anymore. You couldn't handle the thought of... Of her. I'm sorry. For what it's worth, I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you, Know that. Know that, I will always love you even if you are not in love with me anymore. You will always be my first love and my last. I will never love anybody like I loved you. You were everything I wanted. I remember falling in love with you when I first saw you in 3rd grade, getting off that bus. You were playing with your friends in your cute little dress. Your hair blowing against your face. Your cheeks glowed. Your eyes shined with happiness. You took my breath away. I remember thinking "She's the love of my life", Know that. I sometimes still hear your voice in my head. It haunts me but it's not so bad. It's my way of remembering you. I can hear your voice, smell you around me, hear your laugh, feel your arms around me, your kisses on my lips, your hair between my fingers, your everything. It haunts me. I would wake up at night, screaming your name. I love you so much Liz. I wish what made you go away never happened. I would take it all back. If I could, I would take everything back and would wish that I never existed in your life or never even existed at all. I love you. My hearts hurt now, thinking about you. I hope one day you can forgive me and maybe come back. I really miss you. If we can't be together, I would like to be friends. I will always love you.
Why does Max always know exactly what to say? I began to read Max's recent letter to me. There were spots of blood and the paper was crumbled.
- Recent Letter -
I'm dying. Maria will tell you what happened. When I was struck by Khivar, I remember seeing blood, lots of blood. But I wasn't thinking about that. I was thinking about you. Each time I fought, I thought about you, Only you. Everything seemed to disappear and all I heard and saw was you. I could hear your voice urging me to keep fighting. Telling me that we will win. Telling me that you will stand by my side. I felt your hands on my wounds. I was ready to give up but you were what kept me going. We won the war. I owe it to you. Without you, I don't know what I'll do. I love you with all my heart. When we were together, our love was greater than all love. We had beyond-the-stars love. We had out-of-the-world love. We were soul mates. It was our destiny to be together. I'm sorry that I hurt you. I should've never let myself sleep with Tess. I should've stayed strong. I hope you can forgive me. I hope you don't hate me. I just hope to see you one last time before I leave this Earth. If you don't come, I understand. Just know I still love you. I love you Liz.
Max is dying. He still loves me. I sat down on my sofa and began to think really hard. Max still loved me. I still love him. I felt my heart fill with this great happy feeling I haven't felt in years. His words echoed in my mind.
" I hope you can forgive me. I hope you don't hate me. I just hope to see you one last time before I leave this Earth. If you don't come, I understand. Just know I still love you. I love you Liz. "
I forgive you Max. I don't hate you Max, I never did! I'm not going to let you die. I'm going to heal you and be with you again. I'm going to Roswell, New Mexico. I love you Max. I never stopped loving you. I love you so much too.
So I bought an airplane ticket that same day, packed up, and left New York. I had to tell Max how I felt about him and heal him. I had to. I owed him that much. He saved my life. He brought me happiness and pain but he showed me love like I never felt before. If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be here at all. I would've never felt love like we had.
Couple of hours passed and I was in Roswell, New Mexico. Hailing a cab, I told the cabbie to drive to Michael Guerin's apartment. He stopped and I literally threw money at him and ran towards the building. I banged on his apartment door and I was greeted by the sight of Michael in an arm sling with a bandage on his upper cheek and a cut in the middle of his lower lip. His eyes widened as he stared at me.
"Michael"I said under my breath.
He took me into his arm and hugged me. He told me he missed me and everybody else did. He took my bag inside his apartment and gently pushed me inside. Maria was sitting on the sofa, rubbing her face. Isabel was sleeping on the sofa, cuddling up next to Jesse. Max was no where in sight.
"Michael, Who is it? You didn't order Pizza again, did y-.... Liz?!?"she said and screamed my name.
Isabel woke up along with Jesse. The first words out of Isabel's lips were "Liz?". She stared at me and smiled. She grabbed the crutches next to her and stood up with them under her arms. She slowly walked over to me and hugged me with one arm. The crutch dropping to the ground with a clank.
"How are you Liz? We missed you, I missed you..."she said, still hugging me.
"I'm fine, Missed you too"I said.
Jesse stood up and gave me a small hug, and then helped Isabel back down on the sofa, picking up her crutch that had fallen to the ground. Maria was the last to hug me. She pinched me first in the arm and then hugged me. My "Ow" was muffled by her bear hug on me. I felt her tears through my shirt. She then hugged me even tighter that I thought she was squeezing the life out of me.
"Ma-Maria... Ca-Can't breathe..."I wheezed out.
She said sorry and then kissed me on the cheek, and wiped her tears away. She started to jump up and down, squealing. It's going to take some time to get use to her squealing again. She really missed me. I could tell by all the energy suddenly in her. She hugged me, jumped around, screamed, and hugged me again. Michael had to literally push her down onto the sofa to stop her. I started to laugh and then I stopped. I had to ask. Was he....?
"Is Max here?"I silently asked.
Maria's smile turned into a frown. Michael scratched his right eyebrow. Isabel buried her head into Jesse's neck. Am I too late? Is he...?
"He-He's in the bedroom"said Michael, pointing to the room.
I felt air rush back into my lungs. I thought I was too late. I thought he was dead. Thank God, I'm not too late. I still had time. I slowly walked into the bedroom, shutting the door behind me. There was Max, laying on the bed. He was pale. Bandages on his covered his whole body. His chest, his arms, his legs. His face was red and bruised. I felt a rush of tears wetting my eyes. Sadness and Pain washing over me. I slowly walked to his side, still watching him carefully. I sat down on the bed slowly.
Knowing that I could heal, I decided to try. I wasn't that good at it because I never decided to use it except it was emergencies but the person was only to be me and nobody else. I placed my hands over his wounds one by one, healing them. Healing the first wound took a lot out of me. I now know how Max felt when he healed me that day in the Crashdown. I felt like fainting but I had to heal him. I kept on healing, thinking 'He needs me right now. Don't give up Liz'. When I was done, I wiped the sweat off my face.
"Max..."I said under my breath.
His eyes slowly open and his lips said my name. He quickly got up and kissed me. His hands caressing my cheeks. His lips fusing with mine. Our tongues dancing. His fingers ran through my hair. His other hand rested on my hip, bringing me closer to him. I ran my fingers through his hair, feeling his warmth all around me. I don't know how I lived without his smell, his taste, his warmth, his everything. He stopped and stared at me.
"I'm sorry Max. I forgive you. I don't hate you. I love you. I never stopped. I love you so much Max"I said while tears rushed down my cheeks.
"Shhh....."he whispered, wiping the tears off my face, "It's ok... I love you too"he said, kissing my temple.
I hugged him softly, not to hurt him. He held me against his body, bringing me down onto the bed with him. We kissed and kissed like there was no tomorrow. We slept in each other's arms and woke up in each other's arm the next day. The sun shined on our faces, waking us both up. I cuddled closer to him while his arms tighten on me. He was the first to break the silence.
"Liz... About what happened with Tess and I-"he began to say but I interrupted him.
"Shhh.... Let's forget about it. Let's not talk about it ok? Let's just.... Let's just start over"I said.
He nodded and kissed me. His hands dangerously dancing in places that would take our relationship to the next level. He wasn't the only one, My hands had a life on their own. We were just doing what we wanted to do for so long. We were just going what our love told us to.
"I love you Liz.... Will you make me the happiest man on Earth, on this planet, and marry me?"he said in his sexy husky voice.
"Yes, I'll marry you! I love you Max"I said, pulling him back down for another kiss.
[ edited 3 time(s), last at 10-Dec-2002 6:51:23 PM ]