posted on 14-Dec-2002 1:35:34 AM by JBehrsGurl
Sequel to Good Shit -A Turkey Story

Second story in my holiday series! Hope you like it! The gangs back! Everything's all the same, author: me blah blah blah I own nothing blah blah blah... Thanks for alll the ideas for a title you guys rOck!!!

38786-6 user

Snowed In –A Christmas Story

“Alex have you seen my black pea coat?” I yell out my room.

Oh! I’m sorry! How rude of me! How are you suckers doing? Not much has happened since thanksgiving. I bet you think me and Max are an item huh? Well…


Oh gosh, these past couple weeks have been great! I swear girls everywhere give me the dirtiest looks known to mankind! I love it! Oh, and Max is hotter than ever cuz he just got a haircut and *swoon* he looks soooo good! Currently blasting on my stereo is that MTV group 2gether. U! Plus sign! Me! Equal sign! US! Of course you know I’m singing this song to myself and Max. But Max isn’t here right now so all the better. You know what he told me the other day? He said-

“Oh, you mean the one that Chica’s been using as a bed?” Alex pops his head in my room and grins.

“What!?” I look at where my cat usually sleeps. Holy smokes! That little bitch! “Chica!” I wail and throw a pillow at her. She scurries away, “Well it’s too late now! My black coats white now!” I shriek.

Alex is cracking up over by my door. I’m so happy that he thinks this is all so funny considering that it’s actually his coat that I like to wear all the time. I dunno what it is about me always rifling threw his closet when he’s not around. I love to wear his sweaters. Well, lucky for him I have Max now…

“Liz, I need to ask you a favor.” Alex smacks my head.

I scowl, “If you want to ask me something you don’t do it by smacking me over the head, nimrod.”

“Hey, I love that CD!” He cries out, “I didn’t know you listen to Green Day, Liz! High 5, homie G!” He lifts my limp arm up and high fives me. I hate him.

“I hate you.” I say aloud.

My stereo has changed to the second 2gether CD that I have. Did you know that there are two CD's by them? It’s so sad that QT died, he was the cutest one. I was heartbroken for days. But the song that’s playing is “The Hardest Part Of Breaking Up (Is Getting Back Your Stuff)” and I just love this song to pieces. Mickey Park’s part is up!

“Yea! Yea! Yea! You plus me! It doesn’t equal us! You took my car! Now I gotta take the bus! I thought I had a girl! That I could trust! I guess I never new my calculus!” I sang along to my favorite ghetto fab wigger. You do know what a wigger is right? Oh! Whew! For a second I thought you were gonna go acrid on me! Hahahaha! Oh geez! I just snorted! Hahahahaha! *snort* I just snorted again! Hahahahaha! Okay! Okay! Stop making me laugh dammit!

“Liz, sometimes you even amaze me.” Alex shakes his head.

“It’s okay. Sometimes I get so weird I even freak myself out.” I shrug, “So what do you want, saheeb?” I hop around my room throwing random pieces of clothing into my suitcase.

“Well, I didn’t get…” He stops and plays with my suitcase handle. “I-I…”

“Spit it out, dweeb!” I smack him on the head. Serves him right, payback is a biatch!

He blinks, “I didn’t get Isabel’s present yet.”

Okay. Now I’ve known my brother to do stupid things in his life. I even have sometimes done worse. But this is by FAR the most life-threatening thing he’s ever done. “How could you forget the Christmas Nazi’s present, Alex!? Do you have a death wish!?” I go to hit him again but he backs up.

“I dunno! Things come up! Isabel’s really been bossing me around a lot more than she usually does around this time of year. She even made me a blue print of what kind of Christmas tree she wants in the cabin!” He pulls out her drawings.

Not bad.

“Alex, how could you forget this though? Have you even gotten my present?” I say.

He grins, yea, he better have mine, “Oh, that’s not an issue there, lil sis.” He smiles, “Cuz I didn’t buy you one.” He pats my head.

That’s okay Alex cuz your present is just a hoodie sweater that I wanted for myself and was gonna steal out of your closet in a few weeks anyway! But this isn’t what I say. I say this: “I hope Isabel kicks your ass.” Then I spin around and go down stairs to tell my mommy that Alex didn’t buy me a present. “Mommy!!!”

“Oh, Liz you know I hate when you act like a baby. Honey, you’re 19 years old.” She shakes her head; she is standing at the counter making sandwiches for the looong ride to Whistling Hills!

“Mom, why do they call it Whistling Hills?” I say grabbing half a sandwich.

“Liz!” She slaps my hand, too late! Haha! Sammich is already in my mouth!

“Nancy, where the hell is my suitcase?” My dad comes in and snatches up a sammich too.

“DAD! NO, eating the sammiches!” I dramatically roll my eyes, “Mom is being a nervous nelly.”

My dad smiles and pats my head, “Oh Lizzie, this is going to be one hell of a ride with you in the car.” He shakes his head and walked up stairs.

“Max called this morning, but you were asleep.” My mom bats her lashes, “I said, Ohs she’s snoring away upstairs, did you know she drools in her sleep?

“Mom!” I shriek.

Oh god! It’s true! It’s true! This is not a fib! I do!!!!!

“Just kidding, keep your knickers on.” She winks, “He wanted to confirm what time we were leaving.”

I grin and think of his beautiful face, I don’t even know I start giggling…

“Oh Liz, how cute! You’re in love!” My mom pinches my cheek, “Oh, and Maria called too, she said that she’ll be by an hour before take off.”

“Shibbie!” I dance, “I’m gonna pack the rest of my stuff!” I hop up the stairs.

It’s nice to finally have a break after everything that’s been going on. I swear this past few weeks have been the best and the worst weeks of my life. Why you ask? One word.


I’m sure you know what I mean when I say that life is hell during these last weeks of the semester. It’s pure and utter hell. I think that Finals should be banned and burned at the stake. Please?

Okay, we need a change of subject before my brain explodes. Umm… Wanna talk about Max’s buns?


“Alex!” I yell back.

“Liz, I’ve decided that you get to be the lucky one to help me pick out a present for Isabel.” He grins.

What a dope. “Ummm… No.” I turn back to my suitcase.

“Oh Liz please!” He begs on his knees, “I’ll be your slave! I-I’ll wash your car for a month! I’ll do your laundry! I’ll do your homework!”

I crinkle my nose, “You can’t even do your own homework let alone mine.” I snort.

“You got a point there.” He stops begging for a moment.

I roll my eyes.

“Okay. I’ll buy you that damn Guess? Jacket you’ve been whining about.” He sighs and stands up.

Hmmmm…. This is actually a good bribe…

“Liz, please! I’m your brother!” He pleas.

“And I’m your sister.” I say. “But okay. I want that jacket. And I want it before we leave. You do know we have 4 hours until mom packs us into the family van.” I mock.

“Shibbie!” He shouts and pulls me down stairs.

“Hey, that’s MY word!” I snap as I’m being hurdled down the stairs by my fat headed brother.

“Liz, Michael’s here!” I hear my mummy yell.

“Mikey!” I run to my savior. “Help me! Alex is gonna make me shop with him!” I bury my face in his sweater –hey I do that a lot huh?

*sniff sniff* hey… *sniff sniff sniff* Hey now…

“Are you sniffing my sweater?” Michael chuckles.


“You’re wearing Curve.” I say.

“Uh… So?” He raises his eyebrow.

“Max wears curve.” I grin and go off into Lala land… I’m serious, I actually start humming some weird ass tune that I never knew I knew and start frolicking around the kitchen.

“Liz!” Alex screams, “Liz, we don’t have much time! Stop playing!” He drags me out of the kitchen.

May I add that I currently have no shoes on? I have socks, and thanks to Haynes I’m sliding across the kitchen floor. “Alex! Stop! I need shoes!”

“I’ll buy you shoes when we get there!” He says over his shoulder.

I’m still sliding across the room, “Mom!!!! Make him stop!”

“Alex!” My mom says, but she hasn’t lifted her head up from the sandwiches she’s making! How rude! “AAAAAAAAAAllllllllleeeeeeeeeeeexxxxxxxxx!!!!!!!!!!!!” I scream at the top of my lungs.

Alex stops tugging for a moment, “Hey, that’s a nice set of pipes you got there, sis! You should consider auditioning for American Idol!” He grins, “But right now, let’s go.” And we’re off!

In the car (after endless kicking and scratching to get my shoes).

“Alex, you drive like grandpa.” I slouch down in my seat.

“Alex you do know we don’t have all day.” Michael says from the back.

Alex sticks his fingers in his ears, “Lalalalalala, can’t hear you, lalalalalala!”

We steer off road, “ALEX! Both hands on wheel!” I scream.

5 minutes later…

“Alex, stop pouting.” I roll my eyes.

“You try sitting in the back seat of your own car while another man drives it!” He shrieks.

I swear this guy can be the biggest little brat imaginable!

“Alex, you act like I’m going to crash.” Michael swerves around a corner.

“MICHAEL!” I scream.

5 minutes later…

“Okay. here we are.” I say putting Alex’s car into park. “Now first before we walk into that Zoo. I want to get a few things straight.” I turn to the backseat to Alex and Michael, “You will be on your best behavior, you will stay by my side and you will NOT, I repeat NOT, ask for anything.” I shake my head for emphasis. “Okay?”

“Yea, yea.” The boys mumble, irritated with me.

Well, it’s not MY fault that they both can’t drive worth a rat’s ass! How the hell did they get their licenses anyway? I was thinking about asking them but we were already inside the mall by then. And let me tell you, it was loaded. People wall to wall and shoving like madmen. Think Woodstock ’99 before it went up in flames.

“So Alex what’s your price range?” I ask him.

But does this bonehead listen? NO. He’s too busy gawking at the displays and drooling over the FastLane promotional poster. Two guesses on who he’s staring at.

“Alex!” I smack him upside the head. It’s my only joy in life… Well, other than sucking face with my sex god that is…

“Uh! Liz! Wh-whats with the violence!?” Alex shouts and flinches at my punches.

Michael finally breaks us apart, “Okay. So Isabel thinks you got her clothes.”

“Really? Why? Why would she do that? Why?” Alex asks curious.

Michael shrugs, “How the hell would I know? Cuz I just made that up, man.” He starts cracking up.

Soooooooooo funny. Hence my undeniable sarcasm.

“What’s your price range?” I say again. Calm as I can of course, cuz my fists are all clenched at my sides. And what is he doing? He’s staring at the DAMN poster! “Alex! I swear! You dragged me over here when I could be at home watching Even Stevens and Lizzie McGuire! And what are you doing? Tell me, Alexander. What. Are. You. Doing?” I snap.

He backs slowly away from the poster, “Umm… meditating?”

I shake my head, “Unless Kyle has finally converted you… Not gonna work. C’mon.” I pull him by the sleeve over to The GAP.

“Fall into the GAP! Ahhhh!” Alex pretends to fall into the store.

What an idiot.

“Alex, you’re an idiot.” Michael snorts.

“Thank you.” I mumble under my breath.

“I heard that.” Alex says.

“Well, I don’t care.” I mock.

He stiffens, “Well! I guess your jacket is now in question, isn’t it!”

I hold up his keys, “And I guess you’re walking home, aren’t you?”

He starts stuttering, “W-w-well, you didn’t a-ask w-w-hat kind of question your jacket was in… ?”

I just push him aside and start rumbling through the fat crowd. I find nothing and turn down three sweaters Alex has chosen. A yellow turtle neck –no. A green sweater –no. An orange long sleeve shirt –hell no. Poor Isabel, her man has NO style. Oh! Excuse me terribly! I didn’t mean to say that. I meant her boyfriend had no style, HAHAHA where the hell did man come from? If Alex is a man than I’m Babe Ruth!

“Let’s move on, there’s nothing good in here, it’s all taken.” I shrug and throw down a pair of pants.

“Oh! I know! Why don’t we go to Spencer’s Gifts and I get her a prank toy?! Or maybe some lingerie? Oh! I like that idea! I wanna do that! Yep. That’s what we’re doing. C’mon you guys! We got some thongs and stuff to look at!” He marches up the escalator to Victoria’s Secret. “Hey, you guys wanna know a secret?” Alex sobers up.

We say sure.

“Can’t! It’s not my secret to tell! It’s Victoria’s! Hahahahahahaha!” He doubles over laughing.

Michael and I look at each other and shake our heads. Walking into the endless mounds of lace, cotton and silk, I see Alex dancing around the store. I try to act like I don’t know him but he insistently keeps calling my name, even when I pretend my name is Lola and not Liz, he keeps going. Michael was staring at a mannequin so he was no help, what’s so interesting about a red lace get up?

“Liz! Liz! Liz! Liiiiz!” Alex keeps calling.

“I TOLD you my name is Lola! Stop acting like we know each other!” I snap.

Whoa. Who’s the psycho now?

Lola.” Alex squints, “Nnnnooo… You’re Liz.” He nods.

No shit, Sherlock.

My cell phone rings, “Hello?”

“Liz.” Max’s voice fills my ear.

I sigh in happiness, “Max…”

He sighs in happiness, “Liz…”



“Oh Max, you sound so attractive over the phone.” I giggle.

“And you sound so irresistibly sexy…” He responds.

OoOoOoh! Chills baby!

I walk over to the corner of the store so I can hear him better over Alex’s screams, “What’s your favorite shade of blue?” I says eyeing a couple silk ensembles.

“Royal.” He says as if he knows what I’m looking at.

“Hmmm…” I finger the dark color between my fingers.

“Hmmm? Where are you?” He asks.

“At the mall with two dominant males.” I reply.

He laughs, “Michael and Alex.”


“Nope.” I lie. “Doug and Sean.” I cover my mouth to stop the giggles.

Max is silent for the longest time, “You’re lying.” He says weary.

“You know I am.” I let out my hiccups.

I hear him shuffle around, “What are you doing?”

“Wrapping.” He says, and I hear the crinkle of paper.

“Wrapping what?” I pry.

He chuckles, “Well it wouldn’t be a surprise if I told you.”

I’m all giddy inside now! Ooh the joys of having your very own sex god!

“Hey Liz! Look at this!” I hear Alex shout and I wave him off.

“So… I can’t wait to see you.” I purr. Oh yea, I can be verrrry seductive.

“Lizs LOOK!” Alex shouts.

WHAT!?” I scream and spin to look. OH. MY. GOD!

“So am I a 10 or what?” Alex spins around in circles.

My 20-year-old brother who acts like he’s 8 is as of right now… A drag queen.

“OoOoOoh! Sheeeexxy ya-ha!” he acts Swedish. “Yoodle-lay-eehoooo!” Oh god! He’s yodeling!

“Liz?” Max’s voice sounds worried. “Are you alright?”

“Sorry, Max, I have to go, Alex is having an attack.” I hurry it along.

“Okay. Talk to you-“ Oh, I know you hate me but I hung up!

“ALEX!” I rip the bras off his head and chest, “This is NOT Toys ‘R Us!” I scream, “Stop playing! Where’s Michael!?”

Michael’s petting the mannequin. Dear GOD! Is not anyone in this whoooollle insane family actually NORMAL!? No. No I guess freaking not! I take action by pulling Alex over to where Michael is, then I grab hold of their ears, “Boys. What was rule number one?”

“Be on your best behavior.” Michael grimaces, “Ow! Liz!”

“Riiiiight! Okay.” I pull harder, “Now what was rule number two?”

“Stay right by your side!” Alex howls, “Let go! Let go! I’m gonna tell mom and she’ll take away your Disney Channel privileges!”

You know. He’s got a point. I let go.

“What is soooo hard with my rules? What is sooo difficult that you couldn’t act your age for just 10 minutes!?” I yell angry. Oh yea, I’m pissed.

“Holy homogenized pastured milk!” Alex squeals, “I’ve found the winner!” He runs over to a purple silky robe. Verrrry nice. There may be hope for this boy after all.

“Holy what?” Michael is still two steps behind in the brain process.

“This is it! This is it!” Alex screams like a girl. “This looks JUST like the robe Kelly wore!” He hops around happily, “Now Isabel can shimmy around in this and look like Kelly Kapowski.”

Michael shakes his head, “Alex, you need help.”

“Holyness! Look at the line!” I point out to Michael. Then I look at my watch, “Oh my gosh! Alex we leave in one hour we gotta go!” I run out of the store, Michael trailing behind.

“Wait for -”

I didn’t get the last part of Alex’s sentence because alarms and sirens go off and store security has Alex pinned to the floor.



“Don’t talk to me.”


“Don’t talk to me.”

“Liz I-”

“Don’t TALK TO ME!” I scream to Alex.

“Touch-y.” He scowls.

“Alex, I agree with Liz. Don’t talk.” Michael snaps.

So where are we you ask? Oh, we’re just sitting in a containment cell in the mall until the police get here. Why are the Po Po’s coming you say? Oh, well, you see, my brother here is an idiot. And idiots do stupid things because they don’t have a very intelligent brain. So my unintelligent life form of a brother here… Well, he walked out of the store with the robe still in his hands. Actually, he RAN out of the store with the robe still in his hands. I feel slightly responsible because I had ran out on him and since rule number two was to stick by me at all times I can’t sincerely blame him. He’s not very smart after all. It’s like punishing a dog for not sitting down all the way. Sit! and he squats. That’s my brother. Very disappointing indeed.

Did I mention that we were frisked??? Yes. I was felt up by a security guard. A WOMAN security guard no less. Michael thought she was going to do the same to him and said he would take care of everything with his manly charm. But when a big security guy started to pat his sides, Michael blew a gasket, screaming that there was a homosexual who was sexually harassing him. Then he punched the guy out. BIG mistake Michael Guerin. Now we’re in a holding cell.

“So uh… Does this mean I can’t buy the robe?” Alex yells out the cell to the security guards. Even they think he’s slow.

10 minutes later…

“Daddy…” I whine over the telephone.

“What happened?” He automatically knows.

“Alex ran out of Victoria Secret with unpaid merchandise on accident because me and Michael ran out of the store trying to get to the car cuz we only have an hour to get home but now its going to take longer cuz we’re under arrest.” I blurt out.

My dad is silent, then he speaks, “Huh?”

I grumble. Oh mundeu!

“Dad. Can I speak with mom, please.”

“Oh! Sure, honey, why didn’t you just say so!” he laughs.

I turn to Alex, “It’s okay, Alex. I don’t blame you any longer… I blame dad for giving you his genes.”

“He did? Really? Is it the ones from Macy’s? I like those, but wait a minute, me and dad don’t wear the same size.” He shakes his head.

I close my eyes and wait for my mother to answer the phone. Then I explain and she says she’ll be here as soon as possible.

“This is not the shibbies, man.” Alex sighs.

“Quit taking my words.” I bark.

Quit taking my worrrds…” Alex mimics me.

“Stop.” I growl.

Stoooop!” He teases.

“Alex, knock it off!” I shove him.

Alex knock it ooooffff!

I HATE! HATE!! HATE!!! When he gets like this. When people his age act like this, it’s abnormal. 20 year olds DO NOT act like this!! No wonder they say women are smarter than men. Meet exhibit A.

“Let’s sing Christmas songs until mom gets here!” Alex claps and sings (alone),

Leroy the GOLD TOOTHED reindeer
Had a very NAPPY fro
And if you ever saw him,
He was at the LIQUOR sto'

All of Leroy's 'homeboys'
Use to PLAYA HATE his 'game'
But they can't mess w/ Leroy..
'Cause’ he got a big OLE thang!

Then one smoggy CHRISTMAS day
SANTA came to say,
"Leroy...have you seen my sleigh?"
I know you had it the OTHER day!

So Leroy BROKE out runnin'
And SANTA pulled out his
And SANTA shot poor Leroy
DEAD in his black behind....”
end of his ridiculous song.

But for some reason this amused the security guards and they asked him to sing it again. Then again. Then again…

Kill me.


By the time mom finally came to plead our case –though we didn’t need her because since we’re over 18 we’re legally adults but then again since Alex acts like he’s 8 it’s not really considered smart to leave him unsupervised without his mummy.

“I can’t believe you, Liz.” My mom scolds me.

Oh yes. It’s MY fault he’s an idiot. Even though I’m not the one who gave birth to him, and I’m not the one who RAISED him! Oh, but it’s my fault. Yep.

“Mom! Mom! Mom!” Alex continuously taps my mother’s shoulder as we walk out to the car. “Did you buy the robe, mom? Huh? Huh? Huh?”

“Yes, Alex! Yes!” She snaps.

I hop in the drivers side, “Thanks, mom, for telling the police that Alex is autistic.” I smiled, “Or we’d never have gotten out.”

Michael jumps in the passenger side, “I could have gotten us out.” He grumbles.

“How?” I laugh, “I KNOW you aren’t talking about using your manly charm.” I roll my eyes.

“I could have done it. I did it before.” He shrugs.

“Out 12th grade English teacher doesn’t count, Michael.” Alex says, getting inside.

“Hey! She was eating out of my hand.” Michael nods and crosses his arms.

“I’ll be at the house, we’re late now.” My mom walks off.

“Thank you, MOM!” We all shout out the car.

And I peel out of the parking lot. Alex and Michael screaming like girls the whole way…

a/n: How was that?

[ edited 13time(s), last at 15-Feb-2003 4:43:26 AM ]
posted on 15-Dec-2002 7:14:39 AM by JBehrsGurl
Its like 4 in the morning and I just wanted to thank you all b4 I head to bed! I just got home like 3 hours ago but I barely just checked this out now, I had a busy night! lol Thanks for everything you guys are so great! Expect an update soon!


p.s. I freaking remember that character you're talking about Jess! But I dont remember his damn name! I know Jamie Fox was Shanaynay... So who was Jim!? Dammit! *pulls hair* NIGHT!
posted on 17-Dec-2002 4:30:24 AM by JBehrsGurl
So here's the Deal! I was up all night working on a fanfic site that I am putting together with other TALENTED writers and because I was doing that I didn't write *sad* BUT! Don't fear my dears! I'm posting a new part by tomorrow! Yeay! Its 1:20 a.m. and If I don't get my ass to sleep right now I won't get up for work tomorrow and I won't be able to write... LOL I'm going to write the update while I'm at work *giggles* But only when I have free time!

And oh yea, my wonderful beta Meagzie is out of town for a while *wipes away tears* ::sniff sniff:: I miss her already! It's been two days!!! *sobs* Meeeeeeaaaaaggzzzzzieeeeeeeeee!!!!! *slaps self* I'm okay! I'm okay! New part soon, hold tight and don't getcha panties in a bunch! I'll be back SOON! *big*

posted on 18-Dec-2002 2:30:31 AM by JBehrsGurl
This part isn't all I wanted it to be so if it sux please forgive me. Cuz my funny ha-ha stuff is running low but I'm sure life will turn around and then I'll be all goodies and ready to write down funnies! lol So here we are, oh yea and you all know the song is not mine! IT's Kelly's! and er- Madonnas! Love to all my peeps and this part is dedicated to my best very good friend Joanna! *big*

Part 2

Okay, hypothetically speaking… HYPOTHERTICALLY!!!

If you had a uh… friend, who just starting dating a sex go- uh… A really fine guy. And you were going to be staying somewhere with him and a lot of other people for a whole week…

Oh forget it!

Okay here’s the deal, I’m scared shitless about spending the whole holiday break with Max. I also fear just what kind of mischief my 20 year old –OLDER BIG brother will get us all into. Intentionally or not this boy is a fool. When Max is around he needs to make like a baby and head out first.

I think I can survive a whole week with a sex god. I’m sure I can. Right?

“Are we there yet?”


“Are we there yet?”


“Are we there yet?”

“Alex! We’re not even home from the mall yet!”

Need I even SAY what you know I will? I’m the oldest in this family and I don’t want to hear another word about it.

“Liz, what did you get Max for Christmas?” Michael asks me.

I pull into the street that will lead me home and away from these weirdo’s. I’, not even going to be bothered by Michael’s constant attempt to see what I got Max for Christmas. I won’t even tell you. And that means a lot cuz I tell you everything. Don’t tell Maria but… C’mere… Closer… Closer… You’re my best friend…

“Liz…Liz…Liz…” Michael repeatedly taps my shoulder.

I clench my eyes and try to ignore the leech sucking the positive energy from my very bodice. When that doesn’t work I blow up, “Michael STOP DOING THAT!”

“Well what side of the bed did you wake up on this morning miss grumpy!” Michael snaps, “You’re sucking the positive energy from my very being!”

I slam on the brakes just short of my house, “What did you just say?” I glare at him through the rearview mirror. But he doesn’t get to answer cuz Maria flings herself at the car and shouts for me to get out RIGHT NOW! I’m like can a sista park? But obviously not cuz she opens the door and drags me out.

“Hello?! Car’s still on!” Alex shouts.

Maria spins around, “Well then park it and turn it off! Honestly ALEX!” Then she turns back around and drags me into the house.

“Maria. What’s this all about?” I pull out of her grasp and straighten myself up.

She takes a deeeeeep breath before answering, “Sean’s coming.”

That’s the big deal?

“Hello?! Aren’t you gonna ask what the big deal is?” Maria smacks me around.


She rolls her eyes, “Well the BFD is that he’s determined to break you and Max up. He said Tess made a deal with him and the terms are very good. He said she gave him an offer he shant refuse,” She crossed her arms tight, “Personally I think you should Jack that his girlfriend is a loser.”

“Wouldn’t do much, me and Jack aren’t that close anymore. Plus I’m not on speaking terms with him.” I shrug. What do I care what Tess has planned? Max and I are together –NOTHING will change that. End of the story the fat lady has sung thank you Roswell and good night!

“Liz?” Maria waves her hands in front of me, “Liz you’re freaking me out, say something.

“Elluuuummmpggh…” Well that’s not what I meant to say.


“I don’t care what Sean has planned cuz whatever it is I can make him steer clear.” I nod.


Honestly, it’s like talking to a potato. I just trudge it up stairs and finish packing. On the way up Maria is blabbering on and on but she catches my attention on one thing.

“Jacks not coming for the ride?” I frown. It’s like we’re drifting apart! He’s my brother! He’s supposed to be the brother/cousin switched at birth on accident and we were going to prove and sue the hospital one day!

“Nope. He’s already there with Tess.” She shudders, “Doing gad knows what. Yuck!”

“How do you know he’s not coming?” I snap.

“Chi-hill!” She cringes, “Don’t kill the messenger, Sammie called me this morning to tell me.”

“Why didn’t she call me?”

“Oh, maybe cuz you were too busy being under arrest and all…” She rubs her chin.

“You know about that?” I ask surprised.

“Yup. Yo mamma called my mama and they had the mama talk.” She grins and pushes me inside my room.

“Gosh, my mother has the biggest mouth in the world!” I yell out angry.

Maria chuckles, “Oh c’mon, only half the town knows and besides, we all know it was your autistic brother who got you in trouble.” She bursts out laughing, “I swear you two are the Grapes of this town.” She shakes her head, “All you need is an obese mother –which she is FAR from.”

I throw a pillow at her head and when she doesn’t stop talking I try to smother her.

10 minutes later…

“We’re LATE!” My mom’s shrill voice cries out from down stairs.

Luckily all my crap is already loaded in the van so I don’t have to be the one who is currently hauling ass to get their shit inside the van before take off. Hehe. Hmmm now where to sit? Sammie said that she wanted the window so therefore I must get there before she can…

“Window!” I scream and we both dive for the window seat. HA! I came, I saw, I conquered! I win! Yeay me!

“Liz! I told you LAST night Lizzie! I wanted the window!” She whines.

I close my eyes and pretend she’s not there. When that doesn’t work I stick out my tongue and refuse to give up my conquered land. “You can take my pride… But you cannot take my FREEEEDOM!” I thump a fist against my chest. owww!

“Max! Will you please make your sister of an autistic child move!” Sammie belts out.

MAX!? My sex god has landed!

“Hey you.” He pokes his head into the Van.

I pat the seat next to me, “Hey yourself.” I wink.

He gets in and pulls me into his lap, “I missed you.” He murmurs in my ear.

OoOoOoOoh…. Shiver me timbers!

“I missed you more.” I kiss his lips. Sweet!

He pulls me out of the van and lifts me up into his arms, needless to say I’m in heaven, “You ready for the holiday?” He whispers.

Oh… Don’t speak you wonder man you… Juts kiss me breathless.

“Thanks Max!” I hear Sammie say.


“Tck! You played me! How rude! If you weren’t so adorable and irresistible I would kick your ass.” I kiss the tip of his nose and hope out of his arms –reluctantly of course.

“Ready to roll! Let’s go!” Alex shouts threw cupped hands and slams the trunk closed.

“Man I’m gonna be squished in this van!” Sean complains.

“Well if it makes you feel any better…” Sammie goes up to him, “I plan on staying as far away from you as possible.” She winks. That my girl!

Okay, so we’re taking three vehicles. One: The “family” van. Two: The “reliable” car. AkA: The 2002 Volkswagen Jetta. Moma Deluca-Valenti finally traded in her bucket for a newer model (Personally, I’m going to miss Genie!). And Three: The sports utility vehicle, better known today as the SUV. AkA: The fabulous 2001 Lincoln Navigator. Okay now we’re all settled in. In the drivers seats we have… Mom and Dad. In the next row we have, (in the STOLEN seat by the window) Sammie, Sean, me and Max. Next row, staring from back of Sammie… Maria, Michael, Isabel and Alex. In the Jetta: Moma Deluca-Valenti and Jim with Kyle and Melissa in the back seat. In the SUV: Aunt Lynn and Uncle Frank in the back are Mr. and Mrs. Evans. Why we need three cars I’ll never know. But I DO know that Jim never likes to ride in another mans car. So maybe that’s why he insisted on taking the Jetta. Plus it’s fine with me and Ria cuz that means we can check out the shops in the Jetta! Shibby!

“Where are the DVD’s?” Sammie searches around the back seat.

My dad starts the car, “What do you mean honey?”

“I mean where do you insert the DVD’s? You guys DO have a DVD player in here right?” She asks.

“DVD? What is this contraption you call a DVD?” Alex says from the back.

“You mean you guys don’t have the DVD player and the TV’s in here?!” Sammie shrieks alarmed, “What the heck are we gonna do in here for three hours?” She cries.

“Leroy the gold-“

“ALEX PLEASE!” Me and Michael smack him.

Sammie puts in her seat, “My dad has a DVD player…”

15 minutes later.

“I’m bored.”

“What do you want me to do about it?” I say to Maria.

I know she’s rolling her eyes, “Was I talking to you?”

I wave her away over the seat, “So Sam, how come Jack is being so weird?”

“I dunno.” She shrugs, “But I hope he snaps out of it soon. He’s been a real dick lately.”

“Samantha Connor!” My mom swirls around to face her from the front.

“Sorry Aunt Nancy.” Sam cowers.


“Elizabeth I blame her sour tongue on you, I think you better be a better influence on your siblings.” Then she turns back to talk to my dad.

See what I mean! EVERYTHING is MY fault!

Alex starts to hum the saved by the bell tune…

“Alex.” I growl, “It’s a loooooong drive… And for these three hours that will share in here I don’t want to hear about ANYTHING that has to do with Saved By The Bell!

Alex sigh, “So what were your thoughts on Leslie in the episode where she and Kelly started to get a little competition going for Zack-“

“Alex! I said-“

“Uh-Uh-Uh! You didn’t say anything about the college years!” He grins.

I turn to Max, “Please kill me.”

He shakes his head, “No, I’d rather kiss you.”

OoOoOoOoOoh! You Attack of the adorable Sex God!

But he only kisses my forehead cuz my mom and dad are glaring at us through the rear view mirror. Can a 19 year old girl get some privacy around here?! Sheesh guess not cuz Sean’s big fat nose is right in my face.

“So Liz…”

“So Sean…” I mimic him.

“Oh! Mrs. Parker/Mr. Parker, when will we be stopping to purchase my –eh-hem OUR Christmas tree?” Isabel pipes up from the back.

“*cough*Christmas-Nazi*cough*” Michael and Max cough.

“Well as soon as we near a little closer to the cabin dear we will for sure be stopping at every lot along the way. I’m sure the diagram we have perfected will save us the trouble of outlining…” She rubs her chin, “Oh! Isabel we forgot the Christmas decorations!” My mother cries out.

Isabel’s face falls, “Oh no! What are we going to do?! Christmas won’t be the same! We could all die today and the spirit of Christmas wouldn’t save us because we have failed!” She clutches Alex.

If any two people were obsessed with Christmas… It was these two.

“Uh! Sean why did you have to sit here? I wanted to sit by Lizzie!” Sam whines.

May I just add that she fully got that bellyaching from her dad’s side of the family? Uncle Frank is the bomb diggity but… He’s a complainer if there ever was one.

“Switch then.” I shrug.

“No way José!” Sammie shrieks, “And give up my window seat?!”

“No you stay. You’ll mess up the boy-girl, boy-girl,” Maria says, “So stay.”

15 minutes later…

I’m resting on Max, he’s holding me in his arms and Sammie is next to me with Sean at the window. It was pure hell getting them to switch. Sam had to hop over Sean and in the process dad did an unexpected turn and Sammie flew into Sean’s lap. Causing him to squeal out loud in pain, and I swear to you! He sounded JUST like a duck! I say this cuz he went, “Aaaaaack!” So now I call him Duckie. He’s still holding his jacket over his poor widdle peepee. Max can’t stop jerking around trying to hold in his laughter and Michael and Alex keep asking Sean if he’s hanging in there.

“Hey Duckie.” I nudge him, “What did Tess offer you?” I wiggle my brows.

“What are you talking about?” Sean grimaces.

“Duckie! C’mon! We go wayyy back! You can tell a fellow quack!” I nudge him again. Uh… Wait a minute… Did I just insult myself?

“Liz! Drop it! False Alarm! I repeat! FALSE ALARM!” Maria kicks the back of my seat.

“Ow!” I jump.

“Will you two please!” My mom snaps. Oh my god! She just totally did the exorcist head turn! Freaky shyt!


That’s what I heard before…

“Do you like scary movies?” *snicker-chuckle-snicker* “I know where you are Kyle Valenti… I can see you…”

from the cell phone receiver you hear:

W-What? W-Who I-I-is t-this?

“You need not worry Kyle Valenti.” Alex says into Maria’s cell phone. This jerk even has that voice change thing-a-ma-bobber.

This isn’t funny! What am I wearing then huh?

“The sweater your mommy bought you when you decided to become a Buddhist.” We all stifle our laughter. I mean c’mon! Kyle as a Buddhist! HA! Last year we wanted to try Yoga!


“Oh shit! He called for mommy!” Alex hangs up and throws the phone.

“Alexander!” My mother screams when the phone smacks her head.

My dad pulled over and started yelling…

25 looooooong minutes later…

I’m borrrrred! Bored! Bored! Bored dammit Bored!

“So Alex did you write to Santa yet?” I ask.

He blushes, “I’m not telling YOU! Then it won’t come true!”

I was just kidding… Dear god.

The van erupts into foolish and unbelievably loud hiccupping choking gasping laughter. You guys think that Alex is weird, well I’m just starting to realize that he’s much more disturbed than I thought!

“Mom will you tell them that Santa will NOT come this Christmas if they taunt his greatness! Isabel you can just forget about that easy bake oven honey with all that obsessive crap!” Alex scoffs.

Michael can’t stay quiet any longer, “Alex you DO know Santa isn’t real.”

He gasp REALLY REALLY loud, “Mom! Michael just used Santa’s name in vain! All this negative energy is going to chase Santa away! STOP THE MADNESS!”

“Shibby doo man! Shut your trap!” I screamed annoyed.

20 minutes later…

I wanna sing.

“Papa I know you're going to be upset
'Cause I was always your little girl
But you should know by now
I'm not a baby”

I’m so bored I start to sing. Only Maria belts out the next verse,

“You always taught me right from wrong
I need your help, daddy please be strong
I may be young at heart
But I know what I'm saying!”

Hey Maria sang that almost better than me! I must out do her! How dare she steal my spot light!

“Oh Maria! Your voice is LOVELY!” My mothers praises.


“ The one you warned me all about
The one you said I could do without
We're in an awful mess, and I don't mean maybe - please

Papa don't preach, I'm in trouble deep
Papa don't preach, I've been losing sleep
But I made up my mind, I'm keeping my baby, oh
I'm gonna keep my baby, mmm...

Okay I think I won because my mommy just looked at me amazed. Oh! I made mommy see that I have a pretty voice too! Oh and daddy just pulled over and is glaring at me stunned! I think I have finally fulfilled my destiny!

Ohhhh I was soooooooooo wrong!

“Maxwell Phillip Evans!” I mother gasps.

“You’ve gotten my baby girl pregnant!?” My father yells and tries to attack him.

Max jumps back and my mother pulls dad back into his seat, “Jeffery! Let Liz explain. She is obviously trying to reach us threw song!” She turns to me, “You go right a head baby. You tell us what this horrible boy has done to you.”

Well I guess singing the next verse is out of the question? I mean saying:

He says that he's going to marry me
We can raise a little family
Maybe we'll be all right
It's a sacrifice

Would NOT go well with the parentals. In fact my dad is still trying to attack Max.

“It’s just a song daddy! It’s not even true! I never had sexual relations with that man!” I point to Max. Yea, I felt the tension Mr. Bill Clinton must have felt. Only this time I wish I HAD been lying!

“A song? A song? A song???” My parents snapped.

“Maria was singing it too and she and M-“

Max clamps a hand over my mouth, “Mr. and Mrs. Parker the song your daughter was singing was a song originally released by Madonna and then remade this past year by Kelly Osbourne. Liz was simply trying to mimic the song in good measure and she horribly misinterpreted it.”

My parents blink at him in confusion, “Oh.” They say.

“Why didn’t you say so Liz?” My dad shakes his head laughing, “You silly billy!” He pats my head and starts the car back up, “We’re almost there!” he calls over his shoulder.

“Oh honey look! It’s a tree lot!” My mother points.

Isabel all but jumps put the car.

“Are we there yet?” Me and Alex whine at the same time.

a/n: How was that? Was it okay?

[ edited 2 time(s), last at 18-Dec-2002 3:15:54 AM ]
posted on 18-Dec-2002 11:37:19 PM by JBehrsGurl
lol Mi I didn't give sean your name! I thought you would appriciate the reference! Well thanks you guys for the great feedback, I need to hear good things from all the horrible crap that's been goinf on. You guys have no idea how much I appriciate you! *wink*

posted on 20-Dec-2002 3:05:09 PM by JBehrsGurl
Just thought I'd let you guys know that I should be posting teh new part tonight! The Lone Freckle So glad you liked the Yoddling! *big*
posted on 23-Dec-2002 3:06:44 PM by JBehrsGurl
Oh gosh I suck so much ass man. Can you find it in your heart to forgive me? I swear I'll update TONIGHT! Or else I'll let you all have a shot at my face. Deal?
posted on 23-Dec-2002 3:42:05 PM by JBehrsGurl
Ummm Jess... I think you may be confused from all that crack you've been doing... Cuz umm... Chan is right here with me... Even whilist I'm at work! he loves me so much he never leaves my side!
posted on 23-Dec-2002 3:54:13 PM by JBehrsGurl
LMAO I heart you, you egghead... I'm off to finish my update... *trots off with her man Channing...*
posted on 24-Dec-2002 2:29:06 AM by JBehrsGurl
Haha! You can't slap me! Youuu can't slap me!! neh neh nehe neh!!! LMAO

Shannon... Don't be blue! This is for you!

Part 3

(26 minutes and (believe it or not) THREE Tree Lots later…)

You know, just looking at Max… I hear little songs in my head, like right now I hear Shania Twain. You’re still the one I run toooooo! The only one I…. Uh…. The only one I… Nuuuuummphg…. You’re still the oneeee! Oh so what if I don’t know the lyrics!

“I love this Shania song! Turn it up Daddy P!” Maria sang along to the music.

Well I guess I’m not hearing songs in my head… Hmmm, I kinda wished I was… Does it count that I talk to myself a lot? Yea… I didn’t think so either. Clammit!

“Hey you know what I was just thinking.” I randomly interrupted Maria’s song.

“What?” Max said.

Oh he’s so gorgie! I love him! Whoa –wait…. Did I just say that? No… No I didn’t. Go back. Stop. Rewind…. Oh he’s so gorgie! I love him! Aaaack! I did! Oh my gosh! And I meant it! Aaaack! You know that one time at band camp? No wait it wasn’t band camp… It was… Uh… It was turkey day. Yea that was it. Well Max doesn’t know he said what he said. I didn’t tell him I heard what he said cuz if I said that I heard what he said, then I don’t know what would happen.

Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth!?

Some may wonder just why I am the way I am. Sarcastic… Blunt… A pushover… HA! Is it my fault that I like to keep it real yet I still get bullied into doing things I don’t wanna do? The answer is a big fat YES. But don’t let that fool you folks! I’m still me!

“You suck.” Alex leaned over the seat and whispered in my ear.

I spun around, “What was that ALEX? What did you just say to me when I was sitting here minding MY OWN BUSINESS?!” I shouted so that my mother could hear.

“Alex leave your sister alone, you know how prissy she can get.”

UGH! That wasn’t the reaction I was looking for! Max snorts in laughter and I am forced to elbow him in his side. He makes this awkward Oomph! sound and I am now satisfied that I have inflicted great pain to the one I cherish. Wonderful!

“I was just thinking… You know when Kim Possible talks to Wade… In that little computer thingie? Well… How come he’s always in there? Why doesn’t he ever help out? Ron is always there for Kim; he’s the sidekick. Ron’s so cool, plus he’s got that naked mole rat, Roofus. And in the end it just doesn’t make sense!” I shout in wonder.

Max scratches his ear. I LOOOOOOVE when he does that… Oh gosh! I’m giggling… No! Must… Stop… Nope, too late now I’m laughing out loud. Sean said that Wade’s a coward and I nearly attacked him, but then he started humming the Kim Possible tune and I could help it! I said: Call me! Beep me! If you wanna reach me! Which then made Alex open his dragon breath mouth.

“Hey Liz, why don’t you sing us another one of your songs?” Alex burst out laughing.

“Here’s one!” I turned around and flipped him off. Mommy didn’t see!

“I never heard of that one!” He said and smacked his fists together in retaliation. If you’ve ever seen Friends, you know what I mean. Me and Alex tend to mimic TV a lot. Hence his Saved By The Bell obsession.

Max pulled me back down in the seat when I tried to jump over the seat and kick Alex’s ass. We still had about an hour and then some left of sharing the same oxygen.

“Alright! Who cut the cheese?” Alex shouted.

“Whoever smelt it dealt it!” I smirked.

Alex crinkled his face up like a prune, “Liz. That smells like you. I know you did it.” He pinched his nose.

Now… I’m a reasonable little sister. I do my part and I make sure he doesn’t get in too much trouble, I watch his back. I got freaking arrested for his ass and this is the thanks I get? I get blamed for something he obviously DID?

Maria’s having a field day with this cuz she knows I’m dying inside with all this talk around Max. Why does my brother do this? You’ve heard me complain countless times. I must retaliate!

“Alex, you know what mom says. If you start to produce gas it means you must have to piddly doo.” I grin catching his eyes in dad’s rearview mirror.

He’s silent. He’s SILENT? Ha! I’ve stumped him!

“Wull… You know what they say Liz!” He snaps.

I just snuggle closer to Max and ignore the thing in the back that people say is my brother. I seriously am considering a blood test. There’s just no way we’re related. We act NOTHING alike. We don’t look a like, we don’t dress a like. We don’t finish each other’s sentences. Yea, yea… I know… Brothers and sisters don’t do that… Okay see this shiny pretty bubble around me? DON’T BURST IT!

“Brrrrr!” Maria shivers in the back, “It’s completely nipply noddles in here!”

I snuggled even closer than before with Max, “I’m just fine.” I grin.

Max wraps his arms around me and I smile even bigger. My mom told me that if you grin so big that you can stretch out your mouth and look like Steven Tyler. I don’t want that. So I quickly press a hand to my mouth to stop the smile. But I can’t! It’s so hard! Bad lips! Bad! You need to relax for the sex god! I should do exercises… I scrunch my lips in and it several times.

“Liz what the hell are you doing?” Sammie looks at me quizzingly.

I immediately stop mid exercise, “Snying su wuk ow ma wips.” I say.

Sammie pats me on the head, “It’s okay dear. It’s okay.” She turns to my mother, “I feel for you aunt Nancy.” She delicately puts a hand to my mothers arm.

To which my mother replies, “We thought the many years of special ed would help but unfortunately…” She shakes her head.

“I did not! That was Alex!” I sit up angry. Try to mix ME up!

“Oh yea. That’s right.” She nods, “Oh well.”

Alex seems hurt and I try to ease things up, “She was just playing Alex.”

Alex doesn’t look convinced, “Well then how come when I was in 5th grade Molly Spencer called me a retard?”

“Cuz you are.” I nod, “Just not in that way. You’re just… Unique. Be proud.” I smile to him, “So what the HELL does Missy Elliot say backwards in that one song Work It?”

“I dunno but if you know I heard you can win hella bank.” Sammie says, “I heard it from the radio.”

“Not uh.” Sean grimaces.

Sam rolls her eyes, “I’m sorry Duckie but was I TALKING to you?”

Sean crosses his arms, “Well you are now!”

“Only to tell you to shut up!”

Sean shoves her, “You’re so childish.”

“ME childish? Look who just SHOVED me!” She pushed him back. Then they start shoving and pinching and snacking.

“Ladies and jelly beans! Today on National Geographic’s! The mating rituals of the endangered nincompoops!” I point to Sam and Sean. Everyone laughs and I snuggles back with my Maxy poo.

“Ha ha. So funny I forgot to laugh.” Sean scowls.

“That’s okay! I’ll laugh FOR you! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!” Alex laughs two inches from Sean’s face. I swear that boy has a double ganger cuz he ALWAYS seems to be in two places at once!

“I’m tired.” I say, but it’s muffled cuz my face is in Max's sweater. I hope I don’t drool. Cuz I’m getting kind of sleepy.

Sam shuts her mouth and pouts in her seat. She’s such a baby. You know if I wasn’t so blindly stupid I’d think that Sean and Sammie had a little flirtation going on there. Maria and Michael acted JUST like that before they hooked up. Wow wouldn’t THAT be a couple? Ha! Awwwww!!! I yawn really big, I’m so tired… Maybe I’ll sleepiez…

7 minutes later…

“I want to see Lord Of The Rings! The Two Towers!” Alex’s voice woke me.

I jumped up in my seat and startled Max. I wiped my mouth, UH OH! It was damp! I glanced down to His sweater.


Don’t panic. Just pretend like you didn’t see that little wet drool spot on his sweater. You don’t see. It, STOP looking! It’s NOT there!

“There’s another one Jeff!” My mother points.

Oh GOD! Not ANOTHER Tree Lot!

“I feel the winner in this one.” My mom nods.

Isabel starts to bounce around in her seat, “I feel it too Nancy!”

“Isabel can you please stop doing that,” Michael grimaced, “I think I’m getting car sick.” He rubbed his stomach.

“Awww, my poor widdle Mikey is feeling sick?” Maria kissed his cheek, “Ria make it alllll better.” She began to rub his tummy.

I think. I’m going. To hurl.

“How sick was that?” Sammie whispers in my ear, “Baby talk? Might as well change his damn diaper while she’s at it.”

And of course I, being the loud and obnoxious one –thanks to Michael’s influence. Laugh out loud, and I mean REEEAAALLLLY LOUD! And you know what that means.

“Liz!” My mother swirled around, “Please! My ears!”

My dad pulled into the Tree Lot just then and we all zoomed out the car faster than the time Alex ran to the bathroom when I gave him those chocolate Exlax bits as a present. Hehe!

Alex is so happy to be able to move around he starts to do the Carlton dance while singing: It’s not unusual to have fun with anyone! I never noticed how big my brothers butt was, I mean it wasn’t like I was looking or ever had. Yuck! Erlack! But when he was dancing and snapping his fingers and tap dancing then when he went into his lord of the dance chorus, he did this bendy thing and his bottom was up. I didn’t comment though, I wasn’t ready for a verbal fight just yet; I still had to flex my larynx muscles…

“Dancing bean! Dancing bean! Eating tangerines! Ohhh Yeaaa!” Alex skipped through the trees.

I slapped a hand to my forehead and slid it over my face. Didn’t he ever take a NAP!?

“Alex shut up!!!” I scream.

My mother walks around arm and arm with Isabel, every so often she says, “Oh what a lovely tree! But just not right for us… Right Iz?”

To which Isabel will quickly nod and refer back to her diagram of a “perfect” Christmas tree. Is it just me or are these two psycho’s the next to be ran over by a freaking reindeer? I just LOOOOVE that song!

“Grandma got ran over by a reindeer!” I shout out loud skipping through the trees, “Walking home from our house, Christmas Eve!” Alex is suddenly by my side (probably cuz he followed the sound of me singing one of his most favorite tunes other than the theme of his show) he skips along side with me for a while but then belts out his part.

“You can say there’s no such thing as Santa!” He shouts, startling a couple who were innocently looking at Trees.

And together we sang, “But as for me and Grandpa… WE BELIEVE!”

Ha! Sometimes –very rare may I add. Me and Alex get along great. But for some reason every time we get along, he’ll do something to ruin it.

“Hey Liz!” I heard Alex shout, “Look at me! Look at me! I’m a tree! I’m a tree!” Now I don’t know how the HELL he did it but… He had twigs sticking out every which way from his head and loose branches from the tree’s all tucked into his pants at the waist. He started to dance around, “Go Christmas Tree! Go Christmas Tree! Go Christmas Tree! Go Christmas Tree!” he shouted over and over as he attempted to break dance.

“Oh you poor misguided mentally challenged idiot…” I shook my head sadly. “How you maintain a social life is beyond me.”

“I think mom and Isabel would much rather use me as a Tree.” He grinned, “Go Christmas Tree! Go Christmas Tree! Go Christmas Tree!”

“Alex stop!” I shouted, “If you stop dancing like an idiot I promise to give you a Scooby snack!” I say as an incitement.

“You mean your SpongBob Squarepants character shaped Cheese Nips!?” He asked excited.

I nod. Even though I desperately wanted them for myself… I had to reassess my feelings for my beloved cheese crackers and sacrifice them in order to keep my promise to society by keeping my brother under control.

“WhhaaaaHOOOOO!” He shrieked, “I get SpongeBob! I get SpongeBob!” He danced a little more then ripped out his twigs and branches, becoming a real boy again. I kid you not he shouted, “I’m a REAL BOY!” After his body was yet again visible from the tree stubs.

Where the hell was his woman? Isabel needs to take her shift pronto, but then I was suddenly pulled into the thicket! I found myself huddled in the far back corner of the Lot. My captor’s breath was rugged; you tell it was a he. You could also tell he was a little nervous. But you know what? I new that rugged pattern of breath. That’s what Max does when he wants to kiss. He gets all huffy and nervous like. It so adorable, to save him the trouble I pressed my lips to his and savored his taste. MmmmMmmm Yummy Yummy!

“Liz?” He broke our kiss…

“Maaaxx…” I whispered.

“Ummm… No.”


“It’s duckie.”


(Back in the car…)

Meanwhile, back at the ranch…

Oh okay. Seriously. I’m wiggin man. I’m completely wigged out. I am wiggin like I have never wigged before. Sean freaking kissed me! I had shouted “I’m am SO sicking my male sex god on you!”

To which he replied, “Huh?”

“Don’t play stupid with me Mr.! You KNOW I am with Max!” I had snapped.

Now this is where things went whack, “I didn’t mean to kiss YOU! I thought you were Samantha!”

Well slap my momma! Color me retarded and beat me with a splintered ruler! If I thought my day was going to be dull, BOY WAS I WRONG!

Now lets fast-forward to the present. Mom and Isabel have FINALLY picked out a suitable tree (which in my opinion is two times too big to fit in uncle Frank and Aunt Lynn’s cabin…) and me and Sean are currently discussing the weather… NOT! I just found out that my Juvi ex boyfriend is in love with my sweet innocent cousin! You think I’m going to talk about a cloud front?! And you say you KNOW me! I’m ashamed!

“Since when Sean?” I ask him sighing aloud.

He shook his head and looked out into the foggy sky, “Since Thanksgiving. When we were watching Fast and Furious and she had fallen asleep next to me, I hadn’t noticed cuz I was staring at Michelle Rodriguez’s tits-“

“TMI!” I shouted disgusted.

“Oh… Sorry, anyways… I guess in her sleep she thought I was her pillow or some shit cuz she snuggled in close to me and rested her head on my chest. I smacked her head to see if she was for real but she only shushed me away and started sucking her thumb.” He blew a deep breath out his mouth and watched it circle around in the cold air.

“Alex can do that even in the summer.” I blurt. I don’t why… Did he just say he smacked her?

Sean ignores me, “Liz… You can’t tell anyone.” He turn to me worried.

I blink in confusion, “Everyone would have known if it wasn’t me you pulled behind that tree Sean! You think Sam wouldn’t have slapped the shit out of you?”

He rubbed his head, “I hadn’t thought that far. I thought chicks liked surprises.”

I grimaced, “Chicks don’t like tongues down their throat as surprises… Even granted that you’re a good kisser.” I slapped my forehead, “I shouldn’t have said that, I should not have said that.” I replied getting into the van…

(In the van, several moments later…)

“Liz. When we get to the cabin I have something VERY important to ask you okay?” Max whispered in my ear.

I nod, “Umm… Okay. Uhh... Yea… O-Okay…”


“We’re here!” My father shouts and we all topple out the van.

Max pulls me aside, “Liz…”

I gulp, “Max?” I silently pray inside.

“Liz… Even tho…” He pauses and looks away. “Even tho we’ve only been together for a month… I feel like I’ve known you my whole life…” He stopped and I saw his bottom lip tremble.

“Say it Max. Tell me how you feel. I’m so sorry. I know you know… God. I thought-“

“So you know?” He looked confused, wiping at his eyes.

I blinked, “What do you mean I know? Of course I know! How do YOU know?”

He shook his head, “Liz.” He got down on one knee.

“Max I told you to tie your shoes before-“

“Will you marry me?”

I gasp. Actually I choked, “Max! Are you serious?!” I cried out more joyful than the time I found out that Baskin Robbins indeed had MORE than 31 flavors…

“I love you Liz Parker. The night I had whispered it to you before I fell asleep, I knew what I was saying. Liz…” He took my hands, “I love you. Be my queen?”

I’ll be more than you’re queen baby! I’ll let you slap my as and I’ll call you DADDY!

“Oh Maxwell Evans!” I pounced, “Oh my!” That was one FAT ASS rock baby!

“I want to have babies as soon as possible.” He nuzzled my neck.

Hmmm, now I dunno about that but the trying part will be fun!

“Umm… Lets take things one at a time Max.” I kissed his lips, “You’re so cute. You’re so wonderful, take me away to your sex kingdom my one and only sex god slave!” I slapped his ass.

“Liz!” His whole attitude changed suddenly, his face of lust was now a blurry mass of confusion. My vision began to haze and my mind went blank. Oh god! I’m blind! I’m blind! Oh no! The most wonderful day of my life and I go blind! I reach out all around me.

“Freaking aye Liz! Quit it!” Sammie smacks me, “Max wake her ass up before she starts moaning or something!”

[I[Moaning? Wake up?

“Nah man… I think we should wait to see if she says anything interesting…” I hear my brother’s voice.

But I’m still blind.

“I think you like, proposed to her Max, in her DREAMS!” Michael burst out laughing.

In my dreams my ass! Look at the ring bozo!

Then I could see again. And the faces around me were not the happy ones from before. They were worried and slightly fascinated faces! No. No way. I was back in the VAN! NooOoooooOooooooo!!!! No. I shook my head. Nuh uh. Nnnnnope! It was real. It was all real, me and Max are going to have lots and lots of babies.

“Take me away to your sex kingdom my one and only sex god slave! HAHAHAHA! That was freaking classic as hell! That ones going in the Parker hall of fame Liz.” Alex laughed, I felt a smack on my back.

Then I realized….


And everyone in this van heard me!?

“Oh yea!?” I screamed horrifyingly embarrassed, “Sean in in love with S-“

Sean covered my mouth with his hands, “Max…” He shook his head, “I’m sorry buddy… But… Back at the tree lot-“

I squirmed out of his grasp and slapped my hands over his mouth, “Sean lov-“

His hands were back on my lips, “Liz and I-“

And we played that tango for quite a while until my dad shouted, “All aboard ashore! We’re finally here ya whores!”

And we all stopped to stare at him with gaping mouths…

Did my dad just say whores?, dear god… That was the longest, and most embarrassing car ride of my LIFE! Tomorrows Christmas Eve…


[ edited 1 time(s), last at 24-Dec-2002 2:31:13 AM ]
posted on 24-Dec-2002 9:46:03 PM by JBehrsGurl

You know... Laughing is a good diaphram workout, trust me, I should know every exercise there is to working out your mid section! Tho I must add that you need not change your body for a GUY, do it for YOU hun! Girl Power! *raises fist*

LOL I'm watching SandLot right now and I'm dying in laughter here you guys... LMAO I hope it works out my tummy! I had wayyy must to eat today for our Christmas dinner! lol I hope to put up the christmas part to this fic today or tomorrow! Have fun guys! Merry Christmas!!!

posted on 25-Dec-2002 4:00:00 AM by JBehrsGurl
*bounce**bounce*MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!*bounce**bounce*
posted on 26-Dec-2002 5:24:55 AM by JBehrsGurl
As always I'm a step behind! Forgive me but the christmas part of this fic is late! *smacks self* But I'll be posting the new part tomorrow after you read this! also! I have things to say!

1.) Look at the banner The wonderful and talented Meagzie!!! Made me this banner! She rocks! This is for Good Shit, not this fic...

2.) Just incase I have any newbies here... This is what everyone looks like: Its based on a Liz POV

and finally...

3.) You gets an update after this! lol I'll be at work by them tho but oh well! READ ON PLAYA!

Part 4

“Liz. Liz, you can’t hide in the bathroom every time you make a fool of yourself.” Maria knocks on the bathroom door.

HA! Shows how much SHE knows! I have here with me my snack pack! I can use these double sized towels in here as blankets and that tub has a rubber bottom! I don’t have to worry about my bodily functions cuz, oh, look! It’s the toilet right there! Or as I like I to call him… John!

“Liz? Liz, are you listening to me? It’s not even that big of a deal! Gosh, Liz, TONS of people talk in their sleep!” Maria scoffs.

I refuse to leave the sanctity of my dear friend John here’s house. John… How does it feel to have people crap all over you?

Hmmm… No answer.

“Liz!” Oh no! That was Max's voice now! “Liz, will you please come out?”


(The next day… Christmas Eve)

"Liz, GET OUT! I HAVE TO USE THE BATHROOM!" Maria bangs on the door.

I wake with a start after hearing Maria's voice. The first thing I see when my eyes open is a big ass rubber duckie in my face, which makes me think of Sean. I jump up and end up banging my head in the bathtub, "OW!"

"That's what you get!" She shouts out to me.

"Neh neh neh…" I mimic.

Damn, this rubber floor in this tub SUCKS ASS!

It's Christmas Eve I notice. Hmmm… That means I've been in this bathroom for a whole day. Pretty damn cool.

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzt! Bzzzzz-Bzzzzzz-Bzzzzzzzzzzzzt!

What the-

"Liz, I'm coming in!" A voice shouts over the power tool noise.

Power Tool?

Oh my god! What the hell? It's true! Aliens ARE trying to abduct me! I thought it was just some mysterious dream I was having! Oh. My. GOD! Save me! Attack of the aliens! I refuse to have my head shaved and have a silver metal plate stitched into my brain! Noooooo!

"Take Alex! He'd be a MUCH more interesting subject!" I scream at the door.

I glance around the bathroom and quickly grab the towels in the tub that I was using as blankets. I dump them in the toilet to make them wet and tuck them under the door. This will inhibit them from entering!

Aliens hate water! It was in my dream. I had thrown some HIGH quality H2O in their face and they melted! Ha! So maybe I should wet myself too! Well... Not WET myself but… oh, you get the point! I turn the faucet on and dump my head in. Better yet! I should just use the - DUH! Shower!

Oh! Hot! Too hot! Aaaack! Ohhh! Toooo c-c-cold!

Awwwww! Just right!

"Liz, I'm coming!" I hear Max this time.



Is Max an alien????

I shake my head, naaaaaah!

Soon the door falls over and I jump back into the tub and hide behind the shower curtain. He'll never find me in here! I see him come in and hop right over my alien booby traps then he looks straight at me…

How the HELL does he see me? Uhh… Here's a shot in the dark, Liz… But uh… maybe it's cuz the shower curtain is SEE THROUGH!? I see little fishes all over, Hmm… I suck in my cheeks and try to make like a fish. No, that's not convincing enough. I tuck my hands under my armpits, bending my elbows and I flap around like a fish.

"Liz, what the hell are you doing?" Max laughs.

"Fish… Uh… Fish!" I try to make fish sounds…

Wait a minute. Fish don't SAY fish! And fish don't make sounds! AND these fish aren't even REAL! OH GOD!


And I'm also going to state to the press that there are indeed no creepy aliens crawling our Earth. Damn. Those bastards foil my plans for a boring-less life every time, I mean… Why do they even bother with those damn crop circles and all if they wanna keep everything so low key? I swear if anyone in this damn world is of alien descent….

It's Alex.

As if on cue, my bonehead brother walks in, "Today on Life Styles of the Young and the Hopeless…" He’s talking into his fist and brings it up to my fish face, "Liz Parker… How does it feel to have spent the night ALL ALONE in the bathtub? ALONE… Like a loser?"

I step past him. My cover was blown. All thanks to Alex. I totally could have pulled that camouflage fish thing off.

"Liz." Sean corners me, "We gotta talk."

I stumble backwards down the stairs. I guess this wasn't a corner after a-


"LIZ!" I hear Sean shout before I see black.

(Only god knows how long its been…)


"Liz! Liz! Can you hear me!? LIIIIIZ! The light is baaaad! Don't go there! You have NO sunscreen!" I hear my brother shout and then he slaps me again.

Why am I always getting slapped?

"Get off!" I slap him away.

"My BABY! Where is my darling baby girl!!!??" My mother shrills and drops down beside me, "Oh HONEY! I heard this loud BANG!" She smashes her hands together, "And I just KNEW it was you!" She hugs me again.

Is she saying I'm fat? Or that's I'm a klutz? Either way… That's hecka wrong!

"Are you okay? Do you see any spots? Are you hallucinating in ANY way?" She checks me over. Everyone is staring at me funny.

"What?" I look around, "Like you’ve never fell down the stairs before!" I look at Max, he has a drill in his hand. "Uh… Do I dare ask?"

"No…" He tucks the power tool behind his back.

Why is everyone staring at me???

“Uhhh… Liz…” Maria rubs her forehead vigorously.


She does it again.

Am I supposed to know sign language? I act like a monkey by itching my armpits, “What the hell Maria?” I look at her funny.

She smacks her forehead.

I smack mine and –OWWWWWWWWW!

“Holy shnikies!” I cry out in pain.

My mom inspects my forehead. Hers eyes nearly popped out of their sockets, “Jeffery!!!” She jumps up and shouts, “Elizabeth, get off the floor honey!” She pulls me up quickly.

I rub my head, rather my throbbing forehead. OH MYGOSH! I rub it again, wincing. Oh my gosssssh!!!! I do it again. AHHHHH! I rub harder, the pain increases! Make it go away! Go! Go away! Shoo! You guys are NOT going to believe this shit. But I have a bump on my forehead the size of ALABAMA!

“Nice welt, Liz.” Uncle Frank laughs when he comes into the hallway. “Don’t forget that tonight we exchange gifts, your mom wants to open all the other presents tomorrow morning.” He winks.

My mom drags me into the kitchen and my dad slaps a BIG flab of something slimy and cold on my head, “No! Jeff! It’s on her FOREhead! Not her head.” My mother takes the foreign object and slaps it on my welt.

“Mom. What are you doing?” I ask.

“She has part of a dead cow pressed to your face,” Alex busts up.

I jerk back and scream, “MOM, HOW DARE YOU! You know I am against the slaughtering of poor cows when all they do is provide us with dairy!”

Alex steps up closer, “You know there are other methods of producing milk-”

I silence him with a hand, “ALEX! If you even MENTION the time you sucked milk from out dog SPIKE!” I growl, “Her puppies could have DIED! You had drained her DRY!”

“Uhhh! How SICK!” Maria shouts, “Isabel! You KISSED those lips!” Maria grimaces.

Isabel staggers backwards, “Uh… H-has anyone got a good look at the tree?”

Yea. I’d change the subject too if I were just informed that my boyfriend is a dog nipple sucker. Granted, Alex was 8 years old at the time… Still. He never DID seem to mature past 8. Poor Isabel… Or better yet. Poor me. I’m the one who found him.

I shudder, “I want to go skiing.” I run upstairs and shower. I dress warm and no one stops me. I death glare anyone who dares to say that I should take it easy. Tonight will be all the celebration and crap until midnight when we’ll all go to Mass.

45 minutes later…

“All aboard ashore, ya whores!” I shout and hop down the stairs.

“ELIZABETH!” My father says shocked, “Where do you hear these polluted words?” He asks concerned.

I look at him as if he’s Alex, “Dad. I’m not even going to GO there!”

“Ready!” Sammie grins wide.

“What are you so chipper about?” I ask.

“You haven’t seen the ski instructor.” She winks, “Who also happens to live next door…” She whispers.

Everyone else comes along. Well, I didn’t know I’d have such an effect on them! I don’t see Jack, “Where Ja-”

“Right here.” He says coming out, with Tess joined at his hip.

I groan.

“Be nice.” Max says in my ear.

I shiver. OoOoOoOoh… When did you get here, sexy sex god? I wonder.

“Baby. You’re the bomb.” I say and kiss him. I pull my beanie down over my lump and cringe. Owwwwww!

But then Max kisses my forehead and PoOf! It’s all better! I now very happy! I skip out the door and run into someone.

“Watch it, punk!” I shout and dust the snow off myself, I had fallen to the floor. As if that’s something new.

“I’m so sorry!” The person who I had run into says, “Can I help you up?” He takes my hand, I look up and I almost faint again.

“Oh! Oh! ohohohohohohohohohohohhhhh!” I stutter, “Y-Y-you’re Ben Affleck!” I scream and jump into his arms.

He laughs and sets me back down. Max immediately comes and wraps his arms around me, Damn him! Shoo sex god! I have no use for you right now! Let Liz get her mack on!

“You’d be surprised how many times people say that to me.” He itches behind his ear like Max does, “I’m Mark Steven Ulrich, nice to meet you, uhh…?” He puts his hand out to shake mine.

I try to shake his hand but Max's arms wrap tighter around me, “I’m…” I struggle in Max's arms, “I’m…” I struggle more.

“Well, I’m Maria.” Maria steps in front of me and shakes Ben’s hand, “Nice to meet you, Mark Steven Ulrich.” Maria purrs, she shakes his hand up and down several times and gazes into his eyes for a looooong time until Michael literally PULLS her away.

“Hey. I’m Michael, Maria’s boyfriend.” He snuffs.

“Yellow! I’m Alex, this is mine.” He gestures to Isabel, “And that’s Sean, Jack, Tess and Sammie.”

“Hey Mark.” Sam smiles.

Isabel steps forward, “I’m Isabel. Please excuse my jealous boyfriend.” She shakes hands with Ben.

“I’m LIIIIZ!” I manage to shout out before Max clamps his hand down on my mouth.

Tess all but flashes her basoomas in his face, isn’t it winter?

“Are you our ski instructor?” Tess says, “I’m so terrible at skiing!” She giggles.

“She’s terrible at a lot of things actually.” I snap.

She turns to me, “How’s the bump Liz? It must hurt real bad since I can see the outline of it from under your beanie. Tsk, tsk…” She clicks her tongue and shakes her head, “Falling down the stairs…” She laughs and places an hand on Ben’s chest, “Liz is just so clumsy. Poor girl just FLEW down those stairs.”

I try to attack her but Max pulls me back.

Ben claps his mitts together, “So, who am I instructing first?” He says.

“ME!!!” All us ladies yell…

(On the snow hill…)

Whoa. That surrrre is a looooooooooooooooong way down! I whistle.

“Beat you to the bottom!” Alex challenges the guys.

They all set off down the hill. Alex keeps the lead for the longest but Michael swishes past him with Max hot on his tail. Sean and Jack falter behind but don’t seem to really care, they actually seem to be in a deep conversation. Alex kneels down low by bending his knees and his speed increases, passes Michael and Max in no time and gets to the bottom in triumph. I see him doing his victory dance…

“Next.” Ben says looking at us.

Isabel volunteers and he shows her how to start off down the hill. Tess happily pushes Sam and Maria aside and says she needs help getting down the hill. Ben says that he thinks she can manage it. I personally am appalled because this hooch is on our school’s ski team. Maria is next because Sammie says she can hold her own. Ben shows Maria how to ski down the hill by pretending they are skiing and me and Sam talk.

Sammie tells me that Ben just broke up with his long time girlfriend, I say that, that is very unfortunate as I pretend to give a damn about his ex. He’s 24 and is majoring in law. I nod my head in approval. I wish Max were so goal oriented. He’s currently undecided, while me and Maria are trying to be pediatricians. Ever since we were 5 and we would take care of our dolls…

“Liz, are you listening?” Sam interrupts my thoughts.

“No.” I say staring at Ben, “So Ben is free?”

Sammie groans, “First off, his name is MARK. Say it with me. Mmmmmaaaaaarrrrrrrkkkkkk!” She enunciates it, “And secondly, you have Max.”

“So what do you think of Sean?” I blurt.

“Ewww! Why?” She grimaces.

“Uh… No reason.” I look away.

“Liiiiiiiz…” Sammie says like Ricky Ricardo.

“Waaaahhhhh….” I cry like Lucy.

“Next!” Mark shouts and ushers Sam over to the edge. Sam goes down with grace.

Ben looks at me, “Ready?” He grins.

I shake me head.

“Ahhh, c’mon Liz. You can do it.” He walks over to me.

I shake my head, “You don’t get it, Ben.” I try to explain, “I’m accident prone. I-I-I can’t do anything without either knocking myself out or embarrassing myself beyond belief.” He chuckles, “I don’t think that’s very funny.” I say.

“If I went down with you, would you feel better?” He says.

I act all excited, “Ohhhh!” I grin happily, “No.” My face falls in all seriousness, “I’m not going.”

He’s already got his skis on, he wobbles over, “Liz. You’re going down that hill. I’ve never had a student freeze at the top. Everyone goes down.” He comes over and puts his arms around me, “Ready?”

“Heyyyy….” I say. Ohhh yea baby!

And we’re off. My feet are tucked in and our ski’s stay together –thanks to his expert technique! Whoa! We just bypassed a tree! Now see! I could have run SMACK dab into that damn thing! I silently curse the tree and put a mark on it to have it turn to paper.

“Liz…” Ben says.

“Hmmm?” I say in all my wonderful glory.

“Liz, you’re legs are spreading.” He says.

I gasp, “Ben! How forward!” I snap. Geez! I mean, I know I can be a sex god magnet but sheesh!

“No.” He shakes his head, “Liz, we’re gonna- Liz! Liz! Together! Together!” He shouts.

Ohhhhhhhh! THAT’S what he means! My skis aren’t together! We’re going dowwwwwwwwwwwn! But before we tumble down that hill in one big cluster of clothes, hands, arms, feet, etc… I tried to grab hold of him so I could steady myself, but instead.

I accidentally grabbed his….

This all would have been okay if my DAMN evil idle hand hadn’t still been on… Ya know… When we landed at the bottom and everyone looked down to us. The look on Max's face could have burst Ben to flames.


Merry Christmas?

a/n: how was that?

[ edited 1 time(s), last at 26-Dec-2002 5:27:30 AM ]
posted on 26-Dec-2002 11:28:38 PM by JBehrsGurl
You guys make me laugh, and thats a very good thing. I'm trying my hardest to write a new part! I'm working on that page where I put candid pics of the gang! But that might take me forever so I dunno... But I have a page and half written so far for the update! *crosses fingers* I hope I finish soon!

posted on 30-Dec-2002 11:52:44 AM by JBehrsGurl
I'm updateing tonight or my name ain't Mrs. Channing Tatum!
posted on 31-Dec-2002 4:37:33 AM by JBehrsGurl

I''m horrible! I will recieve 10 lashes for my unloyalty!!! *sad*

I thought I''d have the part ready but... No, my slack ass was workin til 5 then I came home and... hey what the hell DID I do? Oh yea! I made a blinkie and a banner... Hmmm... I''m a sad person... I write but I fear its not funny so I trash it and start over. I tried again recently and alas... I only have 6 pages and thats not decent... So I shall slave tomorrow- well maybe cuz well you know its NEW YEARS EVE! I be gettin jiggy! Okay well not really but I will be dancing my ass off like always. Man last year I almost fell off a table. 1037486075I do not mix with alcohol very well. *big* AHHH well! Meh. Who cares about me! We wanna know about the fic! Well....

If I don''t post the new part by friday... you can send me to my end.

ar15firing 2help

and to all those people I will see tomorrow that I will end up proly brawling with I post this for you:

1038740923 go on home folks... nuthin ta see here... Did Melissa tell u I got ran over by a reindeer? No.... Actually it was my big gorilla dog but Shhhhh! Keep at on the DL!



p.s. see ya next year! Hahahahahahaha!!!

[ edited 2 time(s), last at 31-Dec-2002 4:59:26 AM ]
posted on 3-Jan-2003 3:40:34 AM by JBehrsGurl
Dreamer luvin alert! This part is dedicated to the best moonbeam4747 ever!!! She rOcks my socks right off!!! Look what she did for me?!

its the best!!!
Thank you all for your support and here is the new part brought to you by me and thanks to Meagz:

Part 5

It stinks in here. Seriously. I seriously, seriously am about to barf. You see… I couldn’t just run all the way home and hide in the bathroom, cuz well… For one, I sprained my ankle, two, I can’t run with this swollen thing, and three, this portapotty is RIGHT here.

So this is where I stay.

In here. Alone. In the dark. Alone.

“Liz… Liz, I know it stinks in there.” I hear Michael from the other side; I know he knows it stinks. He was last in here. Peeeeuw! “Liz, I once hid in the portapotty… Remember?”

Oh yeaaaaa! He DID hide in one of these before! Alex snapped a picture right when he was coming out! Michael had just bombed an interview and he had ran into a portapotty and refused to leave for the longest time! Hahahahahahahahaha!!! I start laughing out loud and Michael opens the door.

“C’mon.” He carries me out.

“You know, what if I was using the bathroom? You would have seen me mid squat.” I say.

He rolls his eyes, “Shut up Liz… Just shut up.” He chuckles, “You gaining weight?”

I smack him across the back of his FAT head, “That was so rude.” I look around to see that everyone’s already made their way to the top of the hill. “They’re still going to all go skiing?”

Michael nods, “Kyle and Michelle got in a fight. Kyle’s sulking back at the cabin and Michelle’s joined everyone at the top.”

I grimace, “They got in a fight? About what? Who loves who more?”

“Proly.” Michael says.

My legs dangle as Michael carries me- where IS he taking me?

“Michael, where are we going?” I ask curiously.

“Home.” He says, adjusting me in his arms.

“Ow!” I squeal when my ankle hits his side.

“OW!” He yells when my ankle hits his side.

“Cool! Sympathy pains!” I grin.

“No, you hit me.” He scowls.

“Oh.” I say.

So we walk home, me just being carried like the queen I am and him carrying me like a good best friend. It’s always good to have a male as your best friend ladies. This is reason number one. Front door service! I ask him if Max is mad and he says that he doesn’t know because he hasn’t seen Max since I jumped up and wobbled over to the portapotty. Hmm… So maybe I’m off the hook? My mom flips when we get home and she insists that I not be allowed out for the rest of the trip. I say its not my fault that I inherited their dumb genes! So now instead of being forced to stay in doors, I’m now grounded when I get home.

So I’m now sulking in my room with Michael flipping through my TV.

“Mike.” I say after a while.

“Don’t call me that,” he grumbles and changes the channel again.

I ignore him, “Mike, how come Max got so mad? It’s not like I PURPOSLEY tried to touch Ben’s…. Ya know.” I shrug, “I think instead Max should have been the one to carry me back. Not you.”

“I wanted to come home.” He shrugs, “The ranger game starts in 10 minutes.”

“I don’t want to watch that.” I frown.

“Too bad.” He snarls.

(Next day…Christmas)

Last night during Mass Alex jumped up and cried out “Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESUS!” Then my mom said that he wasn’t allowed to open his presents that night after mass. So Alex got all huffy and wouldn’t come down stairs with us when we all exchanged gifts. Max wouldn’t talk to me the whole time, I sat between Sam and Michael. Maria kept kicking me under the pew and whispering that I was a bad friend cuz I didn’t sit next to her. Is it my fault that she and Tess literally fought to sit next to Ben? Hmmm, lemme see… Uh… NO! I decided that night when we returned from Mass that I would call it a night and I went up stairs and fell asleep with Alex. Well, not WITH Alex but I mean –EWWW! You didn’t think! You couldn’t have –you sick bastards! Tell me you didn’t think that! Ugh!

Christmas morning I’m woken up by the sound of Alex’s squeals, “I’m dreammmming of a whhhhhhhhite! Christ-masssss! Happy b-day yo! Big ups to you on that!” Alex thumps a fist against his chest and looks up to the ceiling. He says this REALLY loud so that my mom hears him too, as if he was challenging her. I scream at him to shaddup! But he doesn’t hear me.

“You think Santa ate my cookies?!” He cries out and throws open the door, “Did he come? Did he come?!” He yells as he runs down stairs. “I put two glasses of milk next to the Oreos! Double stuffed! I put regular Milk and Lactose! Cuz you never know! Oh geez! What if Santa was diabetic? You know? From eating all those sweets all these years?” Alex says coming back into the room and pulling my limping frame out of bed, “Its Christmas, Liz! Wake up you lazy ass!”

“I can’t walk, you ass crack!” I yelp.

Alex rolls his eyes, “You’re such a drama queen.” He picks me up and takes me downstairs.

“Welcome!” My mother acts surprised to see us moping children, “I thought for sure you two would pout and stay up stairs until after new years.”

Alex throws me on the couch next to my mother and I scoot over next to Maria.

“Oh so noooowww she wants to sit next to me.” Maria crosses her arms.

How can she be mad about last night? Do I need to repeat that she wanted to sit next to Ben?

“Morning all!” Ben walks into the living room and smiles. I swear to you, the room lit up. Well okay, maybe it was because he turned the Christmas tree lights on but still!

“What the hell is Ben doing here?” I blurt out of nowhere. I do need to get that fixed.

Ben looks at me oddly.

“MARK! Say it with me, Liz! MARK! One syllable honey!” Maria shakes me.

I scowl, “I’m not a retard!” I shove her away, “So anyways,” I look back to Mark, “Why are you here?”

“You didn’t hear?” He laughs. When all he got as a reply was me blinking he continues, “We’re snowed in.”

I laughed, “Ha. That’s a good one Ben. But no. Really.”

Alex looks outside, “Sweet mother of Jesus!” He gasps, “We’re the damn crème filling in a Twinkie!”

I jump up off the couch and hop over to the window, “Move over, butt munch!” I shove my brother aside, “Jiminy crickets!” We ARE the crème filling!

“Anyways, like we were BEFORE the soul sucking patrol came downstairs…” Michael turns to Mrs. Evans, “This is for you, ma.” He hands her a big shiny red box with gold ribbons and bows.

She tears at the wrapping and squeals, “Oh you wonderful boy you!” She plants fat kisses on both his cheeks, his face turns beat red. I scream in laughter when Mrs. Evans licks her thumb and rubs off the lipstick marks. I look around to see where everyone is, I see Kyle and Max over in the kitchen area talking while everyone else is here with me in the living room. I know I have Max’s gift up stairs, I want to give it to him when it was just us two. I wobble back to the couch.

“Here, baby.” My mom places a present in my lap and kisses my cheek. My momma is considerate, you see –she’s not wearing any lipstick…

I shake the box and listen… Hmmm… Clothes. “ I wonder what it is!” I say chipper. I’m so fake you could easily use me as Britney Spears Boobs. So after I have the wrapping paper thrown every which way I gasp. Its NOT just clothes! It’s… It’s… It’s… “I LOVE YOUR GUTS, MOM!” I throw myself at her.

She laughs, “Oh honey, I knew how much you wanted that red Guess? Jacket! You wouldn’t shut up about it for weeks!”

They rest of the presents were cool, Maria got me a 127 dollar and 78 cent gift certificate to Abercrombie and Fitch. She said it was all the money she had left and she felt bad cuz she messed up my favorite sweater. I didn’t even know she HAD my sweater!!! So after I screamed at her for her disloyalty cuz I can’t believe she did that after what happen last time when she took something without asking and spilled sweet and sour chicken sauce all over and I had to kick her ass and I wouldn’t talk to her for 4 hours and I also cut up her favorite shirt with scissors and went on a rampage- wait, what was I talking about again?

Michael’s gift freaked me out. He got me the Osbourne family large head collection. And I love them, but Ozzy’s big fat grin of the doll gave me the willies. I mean can you imagine seeing that thing at night time? OhhhUhhh! *shudders* Alex wasn’t lying when he said he didn’t get me anything. That bastard. So I didn’t give him his, I don’t care about that “better to give than to receive.” If that peckerwood doesn’t buy me a present soon I’m returning this calendar of Tiffany Amber-Thiessen, and the DVD collection of his show and I’m getting my damn money back! Oh but I’m keeping the hoodie for myself… hehe. Does he have any idea how hard it was getting these babies on DVD?! Does he? No! No, he does not! No! That punk. He sucks the big one. I don’t care if he ran out of money. He sure had money when it was time to get Isabel’s robe!

And that reminds me, when Isabel opened her gift. She grinned and said thank you but… Then she held up what her mom got her which was the SAME thing! Needless to say me and Michael both got up and smacked Alex upside the head, well actually I hopped over to him but its all the same! I won’t go into what everyone got cuz it was a lot and I’m really getting tired.

“Hey Liz,” Alex taps my shoulder as we walk up stairs (actually I’m hopping), “You ever have the feeling you were being… Watched?” He mutters.

I look behind us, “Uh… maybe cuz we ARE?”

“We ARE!?” He spins around and nearly trips.

I roll my eyes, “Alex… Sometimes I wonder just what planet you’re from.”

He straightens up, “Planet Antar, SIR!”

“You got that from that one show,” I snap my fingers, “What’s it called… Um…”

“LIZ!” Maria’s shrill voice interrupts my thoughts and I hop down two stairs.

Hop. Ow! Hop. OW!

“Whaaaaat!” I scream.

She runs into me when she turns the corner and jets up the stairs, “Geez, Liz! Watch where you’re going!” she scolds me.

My fault. Again. Congratulations, ta me.

“Oh, Liz I have such BIG news!” Maria yelps.

“No! No, I don’t wanna know! I have too much on my mind! No!” I push her face back with my palm.

“Liz, this is huuuuuuuuge!” Maria whines.

I try to get up, “Let me rephrase that, Neeeeeeeeooooooooooo!”

“Liz, I just found out that-“

“NO!” I cover my ears, “Lalalalalalalalalalalalalala!!!” I scream as she yells at me.

“FINE!” She pushes me back down on the stairs.

“You whore! That hurt!” I shout and grab for her legs. She trips and goes down, I should yell TIMBER! Or something…

I wobble up the stairs as fast as I can before she can recuperate from her injuries. Once inside the sanctity of my room I slam the door shut. I can hear her feet thumping down the hall towards my room. Well actually its OUR room but… She’s on a time out! I turn around and WHOA MOMMA! Its Ben!

“Ben! What are YOU doing here?” I gasp. This IS my room right? I look around, yup.

He gapes at me curiously, “Liz?”



“Ben.” I nod.

He sighs.


I shake my head, enough of the funny business, “Why are you here?” I cross my arms.

“Well… I saw how smooth your skin was and I just HAD to see what moisturizer you use.” He walks over to my dresser and fumbles around with my lotions.

I smile, “Why thank you! I try.” I rub the skin on my cheek, “I always use Bath and Body Works but I’ve noticed that if you REALLY wanna moisturize you gotta go with Clinique.” I pull open my dresser and dab a lil of the mushy stuff into his hands, “Now the way you- HEY!” I say finally realizing that he was lying the whole time. “You don’t care about my skin!” I smack him, but oOps! I forgot I had lotion on my hands so now its splattered in his hair. Well it serves him right!

“Okay! Okay! I’m really in here cuz I was waiting for you.” He looks away.

“Huh?” I squint at him, “Why?”

He shrugs, “Well… I dunno actually.” He looks around my room.

The door opens and its Max.


“Just had to see for myself.” He mutters and spins around all huffy to walk out the door, only he didn’t know it had shut behind him so his great exit was instead him walking into the door with a bang. Literally. And then standing there. It was like, Storm off>>BoOm!>>Pause.

I walke over to him and move him out of the way, “Well.” I look at him, “Happy Christmas.” I walk out the door.

Oh yeah. I’m mad.


“He sucks major ass, Michael.” I say from the tub.

He’s currently “shaving.” Emphasis on “Shaving”

“Well Liz,” He pauses and shaves under his chin, “You see… Sometimes us males feel threatened… And that’s a bad thing, cuz… We don’t like to feel threat –F’n shit!” He flinches.

That’s his 8th cut by the way. I toss him another wad of tissue.

“This razor must be dull…” He grimaces, “Anyways, where was I?”

“Barbaric males.” I say.

“Ah yea, wait.” He turns to me, “We are not.”







“NOT!” I scream.


“Ha! Okay, whatever you say, Michael….” I shrug in the tub.

He nods, “Thank you! Sheesh,” He turns back to the mirror, “You think Maria liked what I got her?”

“You’re lucky her dad didn’t see it.” I laughed, “The bracelet was a little cliché but… You’re you so…” I shrug yet again. “But that sexy nighty..” I nod and give him a thumbs up.

“You know, Liz, I’m getting the feeling that I’m being insulted.” He snaps.

I look at his toilet papered face, “Nooooo?” Ya think?

“So lemme get this straight, Max was mad at you. For no good reason you say, and he catches Mark-”


“No, it’s Mark Liz. You need to stop being rude and calling him that. ANYWAYS! He catches Mark in your room –why was he in there anyways? And now you’re mad at HIM –Max.” He crosses his arms and leans against the sink.

I jump out the tub and sit on the royal throne I.e. the toilet seat. Too bad I forgot the seat was up!

“AAAAHHHHCK! Get me out! Get me out! Damn you, Michael, stop laughing!” I shriek and struggle to remove my ass from the toilet. I think I’m stuck! Oh dear lord what would Jesus do?! I think he would be a lot more smarter than to sit on a seat up toilet, Liz!

After Michael is done howling in laughter he pulls me out. He had to put a little muscle into it though cuz let me tell you, my ass has branched out at least three more inches cuz it was hell getting me out that toilet. When I was free and my ass could breathe I kicked the toilet, “JOHN! We are no longer friends, you ASS SUCKER!” I kick it again, “Literally!” I kick it again but AHHH! Wrong foot! Wrong foot indeed! I think I’m going to cry!

“Liz!” Michael catches me before I go down in tears.

OH SHADDUP! You’d cry too if it happen to you! –And no I am NOT singing the song so don’t you DARE hum it!

Maria comes rushing in the bathroom and runs into us and my FOOT!

“AHHHH!” I scream as loud as my dear self can scream!

“Oh my gosh, Lizzie, I’m so sorry!” Maria tries to apologize but I can’t pay attention cuz I can’t stop crying! Ow! I want my mommy!

“I want m-m-my m-m-m-mommmy!” I sob. Oh my god you cannot imagine the pain… You can’t. Don’t try cuz you can’t –NO I don’t care if you have ever broke your ankle I don’t even care if you have CUT YOUR ANKLE OFF! You don’t understand!!!! NONONO!! You don’t!

Then I hear it. My mommy running up the stairs, “Lizzzzzzzz! Where’s Liz?! Where’s my baby girl? Liz! Mommy’s coming baby! Move out of the way, Max!” WE hear shuffling and loud thump and I think she just tossed him out of her way.

“In here, Nancy!” Michael yells as I am still crying like a baby in his arms.

“Liz! Liz! Oh my god, Liz, what happened? What did you do!?” She’s about to hit Michael when I manage to speak through my cries.

“Michael didn’t do it mom, Maria DID!” I point at Maria. Though my ankle is on fire I take this perfect time of need to get back at Maria, “SHE D-D-DID IT ON P-P-PURPOSE, MOMMY!” I snivel and bury my face into Michael.

My mom’s eyes pop out, “Maria!!!”

Would it be severely inappropriate if I smirk right now? *smirks* Hehehehe!!!


Momma Deluca-Valenti gave me some of her pain killers, she calls them little magic pills. Magic indeed mi’lady! I feel so happay! Are you happy? That’s good. It’s always good to feel happy. You know the first two pills didn’t work so I got two more and… And I TOOK em! Those next two, whooooooooo!!! I feel pretty, oh so pretty!

I love my family man! I looooove ‘em. Down to the last hair ball, down to the last molecule. And you know why? Cuz… Cuz… Uhhh wha was I talking about again? Maaaan! I hate when that happens! I feel like dancing! Nothing left for me to do but dance! Dance! Dance! Whoa broken records! Ooooh yea baby! Go Liz! Go Liz! It’s your birthday! Happy birthday! Oh yea! I’m tight, Oh yea! I can dance! Oh yea! I’m yo boogie gurl, I’m a boogie machine! I’m the boogiemiester!

Cabbage Patch! Tootsie Rollll! Tootsie Tootsie! WhooooWeeee! What a nincompoop I must look like shimming around in my bed only moving my upper half. I sing, “The butterfly uh uh that’s old lemme see the tootsie roll! Lemme see the tootsie roll! Roll! Roll! Woooo!!!” I shimmy some more until I start to feel dizzy. Man J Lo ain’t got nuthin on me!

“Liz, what the HELL are you doing?” Michael comes in my room and jumps on Maria’s empty bed.

Maria’s mad. I told her not to be mad, I told her to be glad. She said I was bad and now she’s mad, that makes me sad. Hmmph! Oh well!

“I’m getting down with my bad self!” I shimmy around in my new purple silk robe. Since Isabel has two, Alex recycled and gave me this and he’s going to take Isabel out to mall. So smoothy smooth. Smoooooth. Awwww yessss… That’s nice huh? *sigh* I think so. Too bad I can’t really dance. Cuz I can’t get up. You generally have to use your legs to dance. Up. Up. Up. I want to get up. I tell Michael this but he says I have to shut up. Shhhh! Don’t talk! Shhhhh. Shhhh. Shhhh! NO TALKING! The Rangers are on!

“Yea! Go baby! GO!” He shouts at the T.V.

I throw my pillow at him, “Shhh! NO TALKING!” I shout and shush him by putting a finger to my lips, “Shh!”

He looks at me funny. “How many pills did you take?” He asks skeptically.

I slap my forehead (by the way: OW! My bump!) and slide my hand down my face, “Ummmm… 4?” I look at him and put three fingers up. Three is four right? “Why? You want some?” He shakes his head, “Good, cuz they’re MINE! Mine I tell you! Mine! Miiiiiine! M-I-N-E! Hooked on phonics worked for me!” I raise my fist up high, “WhoooHooo! I’m the best! Better than the rest!” I scream and clap my hands together.

“LIZ, SHUT UP!” I hear everyone in the house shout.

Well! I see how it is!

Michael.” I whisper. “Miiiiiichael!!!” I whisper/shout. “Michael! Ma-ma-mi-Mi-chael! Ha! I’m a rap star son!” I throw another pillow at him.

He catches it and throws it back at me, “Man Liz! No wonder no one will come in here with you!” he shouts and throws more stuff at me.

“Yo! Yo! Yo! Why you hatin’ son!?” I throw a yellow pages phone book at his head that I retrieved from my night stand. I throw my hands up, “You want some!?” I bang my hands against my chest. Very barbaric of me!

Michael’s face reddens in anger, “You’re about two cunt hairs away from hillbilly heaven.” He growls through gritted teeth.

I burst out laughing, “You should be a comedian!” I shout giggling. Giggles turn to choking laughter. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA*cough*HAHAHAHAHAHAHA*sputter*HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!

I can’t breathe! I can’t breathe! Hahahahaha! Stop! Okay! Hahaahha! In! *deeeeep* Out! *OoOoOoOohhh…* I’m okay now. I think… Hmmm…. Are you okay? Is everything with you fine and dandy?

“Michael. I will leave you to your damn hockey pockey game.” I hop out of bed. HEY! No pain! Praise the lord no pain! “I’m going to go find Max…” And kiss him senseless. My lips are desperately in need of action.

Shhhh! I’m hunting Maxies…

DoooDoooDooDooo…. Dooode doooo! Doodoo! Wait, what’s the mission impossible song? Ah! Shaddup! What do YOU know? I’m on a mission impossible here people. Mission Suckface. If chosen, this mission does prove hazardous. Crimeny! I jump up against the wall and try to BE the wall. Think wall Liz! Think flat wall! Well I’m flat in the upper area so this should be a sinch! Still humming the mission impossible tune I make my way to Max's room. Houston… We have a problem. I jiggle the lock. Its LOCKED?! What is he doing in there? Michael’s not in there so this is WRONG! I bang on the door.

So much for surprise attack.

“Open up its the police!” I shout in a husky man voice, “We have you surrounded! Come out with your hands up!” And your pants better be on. I don’t wanna know what you’re doing in there. ALONE.

He opens the door, “Huh? Wha?” He was SLEEPING! He’s rubbing his eyes and his hair is allll messy! Awwww! How sexay! ATTACK! I jump in his arms and kick the door shut with my foot. OWWWWWW! Oh but I can take it! The pills have numbed me! That was phantom pains. Yea. Yea that’s it.

Pills are good. Pills are gooood.

“Liz. Liz, I don’t understand.” He backs away and falls backwards onto the bed. “Are you saying you want to make out with me? Really badly –and I’m saying no to this why? Get your ass over here!” He pulls me down on top of him.

Oh yes, bad sex god! Yes! I kiss his lips gently, teasing him a bit. He runs his hands through my hair and I lean into his hands. Niiiice hands. I kiss his hands. Gooood hands. Yes, good in deed. Oh! Those hands are now caressing my back, I roll over and he rolls up on top of me, this is good too… Yes… good. I kiss him.

“Liz…” Max whispers, “Liz, I’m so sorry…” I hear him say.

I shake my head, “Shut up and keep kissing me.” I pull him back to me.

We’re a tangle of legs, arms, bodies and blankets. Everything’s blissful. Right up until his hands got perverted. His right hand went up my shirt, but… I liked it. His hand caressed the skin of my abdomen and I moan in delight. His other hand pulls my body closer to his. I can’t stop my body from reacting, my legs wrap around him and I pull him closer and tighter as our kisses become more fevering. His right hand still tickles the skin of my belly and I giggle every so often. This was so intense, would I still be this forward if I wasn’t doped up?

OH WHO CARES! You prude!

“Liz…” Max whispers again. Oh enough with the talking already! “Liz, we have to stop.” Max tries to pull away.


“Max, no.” I pull him back to me and squeeze him close. I nibble his bottom lip and grin at his reaction. He shivers and his pants increase, our kisses become more feverent and yearning, I want him so bad I could melt right here.

“Liz if we don’t st-“ I pull his mouth back to mine and our tongues dance once again. My hands slide up under his shirt to caress his smooth chest. So smooth…. My robe somehow is now gone. All that is left is my pajamas. And lemme tell you… These are very flimsy pajamas. They’re transparent. Thank you, Mama Deluca-Valenti!

“Oh, god, Liz, I want you so bad…” Me murmurs in my ear and kisses my skin delicately, his right hand now slides up my leg to my thigh. Oh! Oh this is getting very naughty! But its okay! Mission Suckface has now graduated to mission keep your panties on!

“Okay…” I push him away a bit, “Okay, this is way intense.” I kiss him again, again, again.. Oh when will it end? NEVER! –Hopefully. My bad hands pull his shirt over his head, bare –vulnerable Max! Oh! Oh this is getting better by the seconds! Nice… Smoooth skin… Yes… Smooooth… I plant small butterfly kisses along his strong jaw line and trail them down to his chest. This is mine, kiss, and… this is mine kiss, and oh and these nice abdominal muscles are mine too, kiss, oh look what we have here! More of mine! kiss.

“WHAT IN TARNATIONS!” We spin around.

“Michael!” I shout.

“You wish.” Oh. my. GOD!

“Daddy?” I cower.

Well merry freaking Christmas!

a/n: How was that?

posted on 3-Jan-2003 11:39:34 AM by JBehrsGurl

And how are my fine readers doing today? *yawns* Its so early for me... 8:30 in the a of m is too damn early. I hate this place that I call a J.O.B. Damn S.O.B.'s if you as me... ANYWAYS! I was looking over the reviews and I was laughing my own fat ass off! You guys are much more hilarious than I could ever be in any life time and on any planet. Sheesh, can you guys share your secrets with me? Plz? No? Well fine! I don't neeeeed you! Hmmph! *pouts* Okay, lalalala I'm bored and as always I'm a bum who keeps sneaking peaks at the boards when she should be working diligently and efficently at work. Ah bite me.

I'm going to post one more chapter of this fic and then sadly... Its done.

But don't fear cuz I'm always near and I always have more my dears! My slow ass brain hasn't posted the New Years version -hell, my slow ass hasn't even written it yet! But I will be written and it will be posted, along with all the other holidays. So Hmmm whats next? Theres Valentines day, theres ummm... Does St. Patty's day count? Easter, Oh and you KNOW I'm doing Cinco De Mayo! *high 5 Jo!* Theres umm... 4th of July and then I think that's it. Oh but I haven't done a Halloween one yet so when that time comes theres that then that's it I guess. But then I have to start all over cuz I hear that some of you want a Max POV version? Whew! I think I have my work cut out for me! Tata!

*hugs and kisses to all you!*
-Even you lurkers! *wink*


posted on 7-Jan-2003 4:59:29 PM by JBehrsGurl
okay gys heres what has happen... *sad*

I have the update alll done and ready BUT!

Yesterday was literally one of the worst days of my life, RL sure can really throw them lemons at your head when you're down to your last two particles of sugar. The update is on a disc. I have this disc. Yeay right? WRONG. The disc is broken. I MUST fix it! This update is something that I ACTUALLY like! Can you believe that? I hate RL so muchright now. Bad thing after bad thing has happen and I refuse to let it get to me. I WILL fix this disc and I WILL update and you WILL like it!

Oh! Sorry! lol Got a lil carried away there. Well ta ta for now guys *hugs*

posted on 7-Jan-2003 8:13:22 PM by JBehrsGurl

YOU'RE MY HERO!!!!!!!!!!
posted on 8-Jan-2003 3:56:44 AM by JBehrsGurl
Ha! See what I mean guys! You look life in teh face and after you tell it to gets some damn tic tacs... YOU OVER COME IT! Ha! Is all I have to say to RL Ha! Ha! Ha! You tried to get me but you have failed! My dad's an ass, Pappy's sick and I was so nervous to file my claim cuz I was in a car accident on the freeway yesterday -damn people cannot DRIVE! Okay let me rant really quick...

When its 5 o'clock traffic and its bumper to freaking bumper... DO NOT drive fast! Sheesh! There are innocent people (like me) wWho freaking KNOW how to drive and now have the back of their car all fucked up bcuz of some people... Errr! And you know what that damn whiplash shit is true... Bastards. I think I'll drug myself up like Liz. LMAO... Hahaha But seriously, you guys are great for understanding. RL is realy tough cuz my pappy is really sick so updates might be far apart cuz I wanna see him every chance I get. Thanks you guys, thanks so much for just being there. *wink*

posted on 10-Jan-2003 12:19:50 PM by JBehrsGurl
MY GRANDPA'S OKAY!!! The surgery went well. I just hope his kidneys start to improve. I'll be updating tonight! *wink*

posted on 14-Jan-2003 1:39:07 AM by JBehrsGurl
Everytime I think that I'm ready to post crap comes up and I'm unable to post. *sad* Please don't hate me. I swear I'm TRYING my hardest to get this all together but RL is reallllly hard! Just know that I'm trying guys! *sniffles* Are we still friends?

*big* heh heh?
posted on 18-Jan-2003 4:53:15 AM by JBehrsGurl

for those who are still interested, I'm posting the new part in a couple minutes. Since my beta is fast asleep and I'm inpatient... LOL I'm posting as soon as I try my best to remember what grammar means... *big*


p.s. This next part will be two things: LOOOOONG & the last part. *wink*
posted on 18-Jan-2003 6:19:29 AM by JBehrsGurl
I'm so tiiiiiiiiiiiiired! So huggies to everyone! You're all the bestest ever! Hope you guys read and like this....

Part umm... 5
((Whew! Took me a while to find that!))

Where our fun filled tale left off…

“What in TARNATIONS!?”

“Michael!” I screamed.

“You. Wish.”


Well Merry
freaking Christmas!

Part 5

“Get your hands off of mah daughter!”

ohmigod ohmigod ohmigod

“I thought I told ya ta keep ya paws off of mah dawter or-“

ohmigod ohmigod ohmigod

“Jeff! What’s all the yelling for? What’s going –oh!”

ohmigod ohmigod ohmigod

“Looks ta meh that Max here doesn’t know a thing or two about a thing or two!”

ohmigod ohmigod ohmigod

He’s using his accent! He only does that when he’s REALLY REALLY mad! Now where was I? Oh yea-

ohmigod ohmigod ohmigod

“Liz! I can’t believe-“

Isabel walks in now, “MAX!?” She screams in shock.

Mr. and Mrs. Evans walk in and Mrs. Evans faints. Mr. Evans has to carry her out the room. Fanning her face with his free hand.

“Oh my! LIZ!” That was Maria.

“How come no one invited me to the party? –Hey!” That was Alex, “GET OF MY SISSSSSSSSSTERRRRRRRRR!” He pounces.

Now we’re all struggling to remove Alex’s hands from Max’s throat. I really just do not understand my brother. Do you? Don’t tell me you do cuz I know you don’t. No use lying to you or to me cuz I know the truth okay? Just don’t. No! No! I don’t wanna hear your excuses! Shhh! Lalalalala! I’m covering my ears!

“Oh! Busted!” Kyle points us out once he has removed Alex from Max.

Gee thanks Kyle, as if we haven’t established that yet.

“What’s going-“ Sam stops short.

“Oh whoa are you gonna get slammed for this.” Sean laughs.

Very funny. So funny in fact that I forgot to laugh. Oh wait a minute, here it is: Ha… Ha…

“Liz? Max? Wait a second!” That’s Ben, “What was all that extra skin moisturizing talk?” He smirks and rests his hands on his hips.


“What is he talking about?” Max asks me.

“Nothing,” I whisper, “He’s gay.” I lie.

“OoOoOh!” Max whispers back in understanding, “Well, THAT explains a lot.” He nods his head and smirks. I pat his head. I so have this boy trapped in my web of lies.


“Excuse me! Parents still present! No whispering among the guilty parties!” My mom shouts angry. Sheesh mom, take a chill pill, it’s just pillow talk…

“Whoa, way ta go Max!” Jack whistles. My dad sends him death glares, “Uhh… I mean. HEY! GET OFF MY SISTER!”

“Umm… No.” Alex taps Jacks shoulder, “I already did that scene, and besides. It’s more like this: GET OFF MY SISTERRR!” he winks and elbows Jack, “Eh, Eh, Eh…” Then he grins and crosses his arms proudly.

Am I the only one who thinks he’s an idiot?

“Ya know,” Michael readies us for his two freaking cents, “Liz dear, if you would just get off Max and tie your robe closed we all might be able to have a decent debate over your punishment.”

Everyone in the room looks at him, then back to Max and me.

My mama Deluca-Valenti speaks up, “Liz… Honey, step away from the boy.” She looks at my mom, “Just like when they were kids, remember Nancy when we would have to pull Liz and Maria off the boys on the playground?” She chuckles and shakes her head.

I take the fifth… But in any case, I get up off the sex god and tie my robe shut. Oh snicker doodles, the meds are wearing off, and I’m starting to comprehend that I’m in a whole lotta trouble and a whole lotta pain.

If you haven’t noticed yet, everyone and LITERALLY their mama are in this room staring at me and Max. I’d like to take this time to reflect on the earlier events that have lead us up to this moment... And if I could remember ANYTHING about that time period I would gladly go over it with you. But since I can’t remember a damn thing we’ll have to listen to the lectures that will follow the screaming and yelling.

“Max…” My father shuts his eyes. “May I have a word with you.”

Max nods and gulps several times. Its’ gonna take a lot more than that to calm yourself down in front of MY dad. Poor sex god. Never had a chance… Well. It sure as hell was fun as it lasted! Everyone else spills out of the room and I follow my dad with Max trailing behind verrrry slowly. Yea babe, you’re walking death row.

“Liz, go away.” My dad growls.


So I hide on the other side of the closed door instead. Psh, tell ME to “go away.” Alex and Isabel join me in our eavesdropping scheme. Maria and Michael join in on the fun, Sam said this was degrading and she Kyle and Sean went down stairs to bake cookies. COOKIES? I might just have to run down there… Well –er HOP. Jack and Tess, I dunno where they’re at and Ben is talking to Michelle. Probably about her skin too. The jackass. If he wasn’t so famous for his movies…

This is the conversation that went on:

Max: Mr. Parker I-

Dad: Max… Don’t speak son, if you wish to keep your manhood intact… DON’T speak.


Very good Max! Good boy!

Dad: Max… What did I tell you about the circle of trust?


Dad: Well speak up boy!

Max: I uh… uh… Uh oh, uh…

Dad: Didn’t I tell you ta keep your mouth shut!?

Max: But you just-

Dad: Max, I don’t think you quite understand the meaning of my clear directions… Once you’re in the circle of trust, you obey the rules. You BREAK the rules, and not only do I BREAK your neck, but you are no longer within the circle of trust. Once you’re out Evans, there’s no coming back in.


Dad: If you are trying to corrupt my first born child, I will bring you down. I will bring you down to China Town.

Mmm… Chinese food sure sounds good right now!

Max: Uh, Mr. Parker… Liz isn’t your first born child. ALEX is.

Dad: Alex? Who- oh yes! (he chuckles) Forgot about that boy… Well even so, Liz is the mature on of the two. Alex never did age past 8…

I have to cover Alex’s mouth shut in order to keep our cover from being blown. Isabel has to join in because my brother –though tall and thin as a pencil… Is also extremely strong!


Max: No sir.

Dad: Are you going to keep talking? Cuz if you think this is all one big joke than-

Max: No! NO! Mr. Parker I’m listening completely.

Dad: Okay… Are you going to stop talking and let me finish then?

Max: Yes sir.

Dad: That sounds like talking to me!

Dad! Stop being a prick!

Dad: Are you going to take this thing seriously?


Dad: Okay then…

I can’t hold my brother back any longer so we ask Michael to take ‘em out. Too bad he couldn’t REALLY take him out. All Michael does is twist Alex’s arm up behind his back until he screams for mercy. Then we all go down stairs and help bake cookies.


Actually, I kinda have a stomach ache cuz I ate half the cookie dough and now Sam has banned me from the kitchen. Hoping my way to the living room I plop down beside Jack who hands me a game control. Playstation 2?

“When did you get this?” I ask.

“Christmas.” He says restarting the game, “Resident Evil. You’re so dead Liz. I rule at this game.”

“I MASTERED in Resident Evil Jack.” I accept his challenge.

One hour and 11 games later…

“You cheater! I KNEW IT!” I scream.

“Whaaa?” Jack laughs.

“You are SO using cheat codes!” I scream and sock him.

“Am not!”

“Are to!

“Am not!”

“Are to!”

“Am not!”

“Are to!”

“SHUT UP!” Maria comes in the room, “Damn you guys I can hear you all the way upstairs!”

We stare at her blinking.

“What are you doing upstairs? The horizontal hula?” Jack wiggles his eyebrows.

I must add to this, “Honestly Maria, have you learned nothing from my mistakes?”

“HA! Good one!” Jack high fives me.

Maria rolls her eyes, “You guys are such losers.” She storms off.

The rest of this day was boring as hell. Until nightfall came and Alex was on another one of his sugar highs. We watched him dance the Macarena five times in a row then watched as he proceeded to engage in the “Clap, clap, clap ya hands” routine. The Cha Cha step dance and then he went into the electric slide. After the sugar wore off he collapsed dramatically to the floor and we all applauded because he was finally done and we didn’t have to look at him anymore. FINALLY, hours later after the “incident” My dad and Max came down stairs. Max looked like a new man. A FINE ASS pounce-able man may I add. Yet he walked right past me and sat next to Kyle.

“Liz. Honey, you’re 19 years old and I can’t keep an eye on you 24/7…” My dad shook his head, “This is your one get out of jail free card.” He nods.

WOW. That’s it?

“Oh yea. And you’re never allowed to speak to Max again. Night honey!” He walks back up stairs.

“WHAT!?” Everyone shouts.

I’m speechless. I-I-I dunno what to say or do or see or speak? Or uh…

ohmigod ohmigod ohmigod

“Liz?” Maria shakes me.

ohmigod ohmigod ohmigod

“Liz?” She says again, “Michael what’s wrong with Liz?” She panic’s.

ohmigod ohmigod ohmigod

“I think she went into LIZ land.” Alex whispers from the floor still pretending to be passed out.

I slowly get up and hop back to bed.


When I was young
I never needed anyone
And makin' love was just for fun
Those days are gone

I miss him so much… It’s been 20 minutes… 20 looooong and hard minutes without the sex god. And lemme tell ya… Its haaaaard! My lips are sad too, they are sad cuz they aren’t gonna get to feel Max's lips on them anymore. I tried to kiss my hand, but uh… My lips still were not satisfied…

Livin' alone
I think of all the friends I've known
But when I dial the telephone
Nobody's home

All alone, all alone in my lonesome… *sigh* Did I mention that I miss Max? I tried to call him on the phone but then I realized two things… One was that all the phone lines are the same so when I called it wouldn’t go through. And Two, I’m NOT allowed to talk to MY SEX GOD!!!

All by myself
Don't wanna be, all by myself anymore
All by myself
Don't wanna live, all by myself anymore

So I have to be all by myself. Don’t wanna be all by myself ya know? But I’m still here, alone, all by myself. I wont open the door to no one, but then again the door is wide open so it’s not like they have to beg to come in. I hadn’t the strength to hop over to the door and shut it. But then again its not like anyone is going out of his or her way to come visit me.

Hard to be sure
Some times I feel so insecure
And love so distant and obscure
Remains the cure

I have around 800+ hairs on my head. I had to stop counting after that because My CD player went out of whack after playing “All By Myself” over and over on repeat for the past 30 minutes. I think I broke it. Hmmm…

My heart hurts. It really… really… hurts. More than my ankle. Alex tried to sing me the Willie Wonka “cheer up Charlie” song but the only verse he knew was CHEEEEER UP CHARRRRLIEEEEEEE! and well, you can only hear that same line for so long before you throw a book at his head. Now Alex is lying passed out at my feet. Not because I threw the book at his head, but because he took three tablespoons of NyQuil after he says he has the sniffles.

“Hey Liz…” Maria strolls into the room. She walks right over Alex’s body without a glance and cuddles with me on my bed. “You okay?”

I shake my head.

“You wanna talk about it?”

I shake my head.

She sighs, “Max told me what happen…”

I shake my head –whoa wait!

“Huh?” I sit up quickly.

“Your dad like, totally just chewed him out Liz. Then after that he said to stay as far away from you as humanly possible.” Maria sighed, “You’re in deep.”

“Why is he being like this?” I asked myself more than Maria.

She bit back her lip to keep from spilling.

“Spill, you know you’re gonna tell me anyways.” I roll my eyes. She acts like she has such will power but in reality… She sucks.

“Max told your dad that he loves you and that’s why your dad flipped.” She blurt out all in one breath. Amazing how she can do that and make it sound like one word. Then she squeals REALLY REALLY loud and I think I heard dogs in far off distances howl in pain.

“No he didn’t you big fat liar.” I cross my arms.

Her eyes bug out a la Maria style, “Did you just call me fat?!”

Ugh! I can’t believe we’re best friends, aren’t best friends supposed to understand things without even actually saying them? But then again, this is MARIA we’re talking about. Sadly her brain function is at an all time low…

“No I did not just call you fat Maria, I called you a big fat LIAR!” I snap.

“Oh, well as long as you didn’t call me fat… Cuz I work very hard to keep this size 5 figure.” She dusts her self off.

“Maria.” I sigh.


“Shut up.”

“Okay.” She busies her self with her shoes, “You think Sean likes Sammie?” She replies casually.

I tense up, “Uh… W-W-Why would you ask that?”

“Oh. I dunno, maybe because umm… I SAW HIM WATCHING HER LIKE A HAWK!” She screams.

“Can you back up out my bubble please? We were just fine until you completely violated it.” I shove her backwards. “Maria, you need not a tic-tac but the whole dang pack!” I can’t help but laugh.

She shoves me, “Stop acting like Alex.” She dips her head low over the end of my bed, “How long you gonna leave him there?”

I shrug, “Until he wakes up?”

She grimaces, “But you know he lets ‘em rip during the night Liz…”

“No, last night he kept his cheeks snapped shut pretty well. Besides, he hasn’t eaten anything that causes him to blow.” I look over to his sleeping figure, all curled up and sucking his thumb. “We really gotta get him to stop doing that.”


“No you idiot, sucking his thumb. He’s about to be 21 and he’s still doing that.” I point at him, “That is a disgustingly immature habit.”

“You realize this is ALEX we’re talking about?” Maria asks.

I groan, “Yeah… Nevermind. Let him suck the fat one.”

“Again with the F word! That’s it! Go wash your mouth!” She pushes me off the bed.

“MARIA!” I scream when I fall off the bed to the floor and roll over near Alex. Ugh! Gross! “Okay change of plans, Alex has to go…” I pinch my nose shut.

I take his feet and Maria takes his arms as we proceed to drag him out of our room and into his room. It’s very hard to pull when you only have use in one foot. The other just kinda hops along for the ride. Damn slacker. I’d kick you if you weren’t attached to my leg. Bastard.

“Liz!” I hear someone whisper on my way back to my room.

OH SHOOT! The voices are back!

“I can’t hear you voices… Go away…” I say aloud.


Oh god! I was doing so well!

“Stop calling my name because I can’t hear you call my name so stop calling my name!” It can’t be the voices, they call me Susanna and they only come out when I’m asleep…

But then the voices took form because I got dragged backwards into a… a… a closet?

“Liz we need to talk.”

“BEN?!” I shout, he covers my mouth.

“Shhhh! Quiet, no one knows I’m here.” He says.

“Uh… Yes they do, we’re snowed in and all…” I roll me eyes, what a dope.

“Liz I have three things to say to you.” He sighs.

“Shoot.” I lean against the door.

“Okay, well… For one, my name is not Ben.” He looks at me curious.

“What do you mean Ben? Have you changed your name? That’s not gonna look good for you publicly. And where the hell is your super cool girlfriend JLo?” I ask. I have these new moves and I bet she’d like to see them.

He merely shakes his head, “Secondly, I like you Liz. I like you a lot, you’re funny and cute no, more than cute you’re beautiful…”

“Whoa there!” I stop him, “I’m with the Sex Go- I mean Max. And you have JLo.”

He continues on, “I don’t even care that you call me Ben when my name is Mark, I don’t care that you consistently insist that I’m Ben Afflek when I’m Mark Stevens… Liz I like you. You’re not like other girls.” He pauses.

“Well if that’s the case than you can just tell this monthly pain in my ass to stop coming because it is badly mistaken.” I say.

He grimaces, “Huh?”

“Nothing.” I shake my head, “What’s the third thing?”

“I’m going out into the snow to get us help.” He grins.

Umm… What am I supposed to say? Thanks? I mean what? Hey thanks! But if you die before you get there just know that I think your best movie was Armageddon and I think that you and JLo are both attractive people but just not together?

“Well, just thought I’d tell you that.” He smirks, “You’re so pretty.”

I blush, “Thanks.”

“Liz? Is that you in there?” I hear Maria call from the other side, too bad she acts before I think. She pulls open the door and I go flying backwards onto my back. Do you guys see a pattern here?

“Liz!” Ben rushes out to pull me off the floor; “You okay?”

And would you believe it? Max goes walking past JUST as Ben walks out the closet that I just flew out of like a bat from hell. He stops to stare at Ben pulling me up and then just walks into his room and shut the door. I think my heart just broke again…


“Gooooood Morning New Mexico! It’s 7:30 in the a.m. and I’m you’re host for this fabulous musical pleasure we have set up for you, so just sit back, relax, and enjoy the subtle beats of erotica…”

No my dears that was not the radio… Two guesses on who that was. Now I have Godsmack blasting along the walls of my room. Why Alex doesn’t stay in his own room is beyond me.

“ALEX SHUT UP!!!” Maria screams and throws her pillow at him.

“Ha! Missed me! Missed me! Now you gotta –ewww you ain’t kissin me!” He screams like a girl then runs out the door.

Maria shakes her head, “Your brother… Words cannot describe…”

I nod, “Word…”

“Wanna play a game?” Maria perks up an hour later.

I slouch further into my bed and bury my face in my book. Sarah Dessen is the best you know. Right now I’m reading “Keeping The Moonlight” and it’s a very emotional book. I find myself relating to the character a lot. Too bad I’m not cool like her, and I don’t have cool friends like her… And I’m not attractive like her after her friends put makeup junk on her face!!!

“No.” I whine.

“Dontcha be a grumpy, when the road gets bumpy, just SMILE! SMILE! SMILE be happy!” She sings. I swear if one more person sings to me, that someone’s gonna take a slug to the face.

“I’m baaaaaaaaaaaack.” Alex strolls in and smiles. Isabel walks in after him and sits over by the window on the lazy boy chair. Well she tried to but Alex shoved her out of the way and sat in it. So she’s sitting in his lap now. “Why is it so boring being snowed in?” Alex whines as he “tries” emphasis on tries to braid Isabel’s hair.

“At least you’re not me. I’m snowed in with a Sex God, and I’m not allowed to talk, kiss or be around him.” I sigh, life is so PoO… Isabel’s really sympathetic though, she says that she’s here for me and all that junk. But she doesn’t realize that my lips are going through Max lip withdraw. So unless she can magically turn into her brother…

“I miss Max.”

I miss Max, I miss Max. Neh, neh, neh! Oh would you SHUT UP already!? You’ve been complaining all morning! And frankly if you say his name one more time I’m going to have to open a can Liz.” Maria snaps.

Isabel immediately comes to my aide, “Lay off Ria, how would you like it if you weren’t allowed to see Michael anymore?”

Maria shudders, “That will never happen.” She gets up and walks out the room, probably to Michael no doubt.

“Where’s Ben?” Tess pokes her frizzy head in the room.

We all groan and tell her we don’t know, I told her he flew to the north pole and she almost bought it but then damn Alex was all, “Not uh! I just saw him this morning.” Damn him! Tess says he’s no where to be found but his windows open. Then my brain finally switched to ON.

“Oh my gosh!” I shriek, “He went for help!”

“Why doesn’t he just use the phone?” Tess scrunched her face up in confusion.

“Maybe because the phones don’t work?” I gasp. She screamed and nearly collapses when she tries her cell phone and it has no reception. Kyle and Jack come in just then and Jack takes his battered Tess in his arms.

“Michelle wants you Tess… What’s up with you?” Jack says, frizzy bobs out the door without answering, I guess she and Michelle have become friends and buddied up. Weird. Ah well, Jack and I have become closer in the past couple days. I’d be happy if I wasn’t so damn sad…

“You guys we can’t find Max.” Maria and Michael walk in and say at the same time. I ask the doublemint twins to please repeat that when my brain jump starts again.

“He went TOO!” I scream.

“Okay this majorly stinks guys.” Maria grimaces.

I gasp, “Maria! You KNOW Alex can’t help-“

“No, not him! THIS. Being here. Bored and all. It stinks.” She crosses her arms and leans into Michael.

“Do you guys say I love you to each other?” I ask them curiously.

“Wha-Huh? Ain’t nobody say the L-word.” Michael jumps up and shoves Maria away.

Maria simply rolls her eyes groaning, “He has L-word issues.” She shakes her head. Hmm… How sad.

“What about you guys?” I turn to my brother and Isabel.

“I love this ‘ol gal. I say it all the time.” Alex pulls her unexpectedly to him, which causes Isabel to spill her drink all over.

“Alex you block head!” She screams.

Oh, I feel the love…

I turn to my next victims, “And what the makes-me-sick happy couple?”

Kyle and Michelle.

“We’ve only just made up Liz, that’s a hard question to ask.” Michelle runs nervous fingers through her hair.

“So is that a yes or a no?” I say.

“Yes.” Kyle says.

“No.” Michelle says at the same time.


“You guys make my brain hurt, Go away.” I wave them off and turn to Jack, “Please… Please say no.”

“What Tess and I share is purely physical.” Jack states, “Right honey bear?”

“Yes my widdle sugar muffin…” Tess giggles.

Uuuuuughhhh! Ewwwww! GAG! Retch! Spew!!!! Barf-o-rama!!!!

“That’s worse than boogey flavored jelly beans!” I scowl.

“You’re just jealous.” Tess smirks.

“As a matter of fact… I’m not. Max said the L-word… Just not to me…” I trail off…

“Than who?” Isabel asks curious. She just HAD ta go there!

“My dad?” I look up at everyone wary.

“DUDE! That is SICK!” Kyle shouts utterly disgusted.

“I’m STILL bored!” Maria whines.

I didn’t say the L-word!” Michael bursts out.

I can’t believe Max!” Isabel says next.

I’m the leprechaun!” Alex makes scary faces.

I think you’re all insane!” Tess shrieks.

I Can’t believe it’s NOT butter!” Michelle’s eyes bug out when she takes a bit of her muffin.

I love Michelle!” Kyle shouts.

I didn’t cheat!” Jack shouts in my face.

I wanna go HOOOME!” Sammie cries.

I ate the last cookie!” Sean walks in and confesses guilty.

“SHUT UP!” I scream and cover my ears.

“I’m still bored.” Maria mumbles.

“Ahhh go suck an egg!” I shove her.

“Max said that to your dad?” Sammie says.

Is EVERYONE in this family so dense?! DUH!!!

“So?” I shrug.

“Aren’t you mad?” She says.

As a matter of fact…

“Oh hush. Max said to Liz’s dad that he loves HER, and dad flipped.” Maria clears the air.

“Where IS Max?” Sam asks.

“Where’s SEAN?” I say. He was just here a minute ago…

“Where’s Ben? I mean MARK!” Tess shrieks, “Damn you Liz.” She scowls.


“Ben’s trying to save us.” I nod.

“I’m the leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeprechaun!!!” Alex jumps out at us.



I don’t know what he is, but family he is not. Nowhere in the bloodlines does it say that the LITTLE sister must take care of the BIG brother. No where does it say that the crack head brother who acts like he’s 8 and looks like he’s 12, that it is okay to humiliate his younger and more mature than he will ever be sister. You wanna know what he did don’t you? I know you do you little scavengers you! Well, this is what happen…

About 15 minutes ago I ran to Max’s room in hopes of rekindling whatever it is that we might have left within our kindred souls. Only to find that the damn knucklehead had locked me out. Well Alex thought this was HILARIOUS! So he points and laughs and cackles and tells me that I’m pathetic. He actually said that I was pathetic. Was he looking in the mirror or something?

I ignore him after a while and my attention is completely on Max's door.

“Please open the door Max.” I beg knocking oh-so softly. I get no answer, I do this about three more times before I yank a bobby pin from Ria’s head (to which she made a big scene out of) and I pick Max’s lock. I don’t like locked doors! I was locked up! Locked doors make me crazyyyy! NO! MORE! LOCKED! DOORS! –GRACIAS! “Okay, I’m going in… Keep a look out for the enemy.” I say to Maria and Sam.

Maria rolls her eyes, “Whatever Kernel Custard.”

“Mmmm… Custard, remind me to get a custard filled donut when we go home.” I lick my lips and enter the battlefield. It’s quiet… TOO… Quiet… I look to left, and see nothing… I look to my right –and oh my god! Man overboard! OoOophf!

“Identify yourself soldier…”


“Get off me!” I shove him away. No wait! Come back! I pull him back towards me, “Oh Max! I thought I’d never see you again!” I hug him close. Wait a cotton picking second! Did he call me a soldier? What a FR-EAK!

“Liz, I’m on my way for survival of the fittest and here you are hugging me and acting like I’m a softie.” He gently pushes me away.

Well! I neva!

“Max Evans if you plan on leaving this house in search of help-“

“Shhhh!” He presses a finger to my lips –smearing my lip-gloss all over. “Don’t speak… Let’s just savor the moment Liz…” He pulls me into a tight embrace, I think my lungs have collapse. “Gah!” He pets my hair; “I hate good byes!” His voice wavers.

“Max I-“

“Shhh! …Just go…” He ushers me out the door, pushing me away with his finger on my lips. Then he slams it shut behind me. I faintly hear him say from behind the door: Good bye my loooooo-ove! then there’s a crashing sound…

“MAX!” I scream and open the door. He’s no where in sight! OH GOD! Where is he? What has happen behind these awful closed door?!

“I’m okay!” I hear his voice –from out the window?

“Max!” I run to the open window and look down. The snow is so high that the first floor of the house is covered in snow, it rises so high that Max is only a few feet down from the window. “Max are you okay?” I ask.

“Yea… But ah! I think I broke a butt cheek!” He rolls over in circles in the snow.

I look around and grab Michael’s jacket and pair of sweats then jump out the window. Its not as far down as you’d think. But GEEZ! It’s colder than a witch’s tit out here! I throw on Michael’s big ass sweats over my sweats (thank GOD I had changed earlier from my robe) and put his jacket on over my hoodie –well its Alex’s hoodie (the one I bought him for Christmas). I’m still shivering but that’s what my sex god is for…

“Max, what are you trying to do?” I say crawling over to him.

“Liz if you’re coming along on this mission, we’re going to have to get ONE thing straight…”

You have my full attention soldier. I salute.

“Funny.” He smirks, “Two things,” He holds up two fingers, “Stay out of my way, “He shoves one finger in my face, “And don’t speak.” He shoves the other in my face. Only this time he got to close and it went up my left nostril. UGH! I shove him away.

“Thanks Max, I think my nasal passages are clear for the winter now!” I rub my nose. I shiver –GROSS! He gets down on his hands and knees and crawls forward. I follow close behind and hop along. I mean c’mon. Why the hell is he on the floor? Talk about over dramatic! Who play mission impossible for reals? –Wait. Don’t answer that.

Max stops short and lays on his belly, he shuffles around in his jacket and pulls out a set of binoculars, “Tree’s… 12 O’clock.” He points forward, looks back to me and nods his head forward as a signal for us to continue.

You know if he wasn’t so damn sexy I’d plummet him to the ground and slap him silly for acting so Alex. Then I spot a small figure moving in closer.

“Max…” I whisper.

“Liz…” He clenches his eyes shut, “What was rule number-“

“Oh will you shut up! Unidentified suspect on your 20!” I slap the back of his head.

“Huh? English Liz.” He scratched behind his ear.

You know, whenever I try to play along nobody gets it. I shake my head and move Max's head to the figure, “Someone’s out there.”

He fumbles with his binoculars, “Crimeny! Someone’s coming!” He barrel rolls to the left, “Liz get down!”

I look harder into the whiteness, “Hey! That’s BEN!” I cry out. And behind Ben is a HUGE ass truck. “Ben saved us Max! Ben saved us!” I jump up and down. Okay –you know I didn’t jump… I hopped.

“Yea… Great…” Max says.

Now why didn’t I sense that Max wasn’t happy? Instead at that time I went running towards Ben, throwing my arms around him and laughing giddy. I was gonna get to ride back home on a snowmobile!!!!

“Told you, I’d save the day Liz.” Ben winks.

Max comes up now, “Good job.” He nods.

“Thanks.” Ben nods, his arms still around me. Max looks upset. I can’t stop staring at the snowmobiles…

And this would be the big ass cliffhanger I leave you in until next time…

Awwww, the joy of being the main character in a story… See ya after I see how fast these lil puppies can ride! Vrooom Vrooom! Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! Crash!

MY ANKLE! *cries*


a/n: How was that?
posted on 20-Jan-2003 10:21:26 AM by JBehrsGurl
You guys are so great! I just read thro the FB and my heart swells with love and joy! *hugs* To you all!!!


[ edited 1 time(s), last at 20-Jan-2003 10:22:10 AM ]
posted on 2-Feb-2003 3:42:04 AM by JBehrsGurl
My god I'm so sorry that I'm lacking in the updates. This fic is infact done. The New Years fic should have been posted but Its not finished. I'm not even sure when The V-Day one will be written. Its very hard to write for me lately. I just can't do it. I don't know why. I just... I try and then I end up pressing delete. I'll try and see if I can get inspired but my life is a huge crazy mess and everything is really confusing. I'm probibly going through one of those lide altering changes cuz I can feel it in my gut and it's freaking me out. I love you all and I'll try to come back soon.

*hugs* Luv,
posted on 15-Feb-2003 4:42:38 AM by JBehrsGurl
Hey beautiful people!!! I know I've been MIA but the reason is because RL and well what when down with the whole fanatics drama stuff. My friends werr treated in an unfriendly way and I just don't know if Fanatics is a place I want to stay with, althought I love all you dearly I don't want you to think I'm leaving or abandoning you. I'm not actually leaving fanatics I'm just going to start posting my fics here: Outer Haven I'm trying my HARDEST to hurry up and post the next part in the holiday series, I'm sorry I'm so bad at updating! *slaps self hard* Just know that I have 8 pages written in word doc. so far!


p.s. Hope you guys come visit me!
posted on 15-Feb-2003 4:43:40 AM by JBehrsGurl
whoops! double post!

[ edited 1 time(s), last at 15-Feb-2003 4:44:19 AM ]