Title: Lost But Not Forgotten

Author: Wijit

Disclaimer: I do not own the television show "Roswell" nor do I mean to claim ownership of any of the characters of plot lines I use in this story. "Roswell" belongs to the UPN, the WB, 20'th Century Fox, Jason Katims, and Melinda Metz.

Summary: Max leaves a supposed suicide note and some stuff happens. Ignore everything that has happened so far in Season 3, this is like a post Departure fic.

Rating: PG-13 now. NC-17 later in the story.

Category: MxL

Feedback: Well, duh.

Prologue

Dear Liz,

You probably wouldn't believe me, but this is the hardest letter I've ever had to write. You will never know why.

Twelve years ago I saw you for the first time. I looked like a six year old, but at heart I felt even younger, having broken out of my pod a few months before. It was love at first sight. And I have loved you ever since. Never, ever think that at any point in my life I didn't love you. Through it all my heart kept beating because I knew you were in my life.

I don't expect you to love me back, Liz, you have no reason to. After all I've put you through I can't believe you even hugged me today on the rock.

I have to appologize to you. I have to appologize for everything. Number one for Tess, anything and everything I ever did with her or because of her was a mistake. I don't know why I ever spent the night with her when all I wanted was to make love to you.

Next for not believing you when you told me Alex was murdered by an alien. I don't expect for this to excuse my actions, but it hurt too much to believe you. The thought that Alex was killed by knowing Isabel, Michael, I caused a pain to form in my chest that was unbareable. The fact that even as I denied it the pain continued should have told me that you were right, and I think in some way it did, I just wouldn't admit it.

My third appology is for ever asking for space. The truth is I was scared, I was scared of the intencity of my feelings for you. I thought some time away from you would cure me of being in love. It didn't work. It only made my craving, my yerning for you grow until I couldn't take a breath without thinking of you; until I couldn't sleep at night, all I could do was fantasize about what it could be like if I was completely human and we could be together without anyone plotting to kill me.

And lastly I am sorry for ever telling you the truth about myself. I'm sure you would be endlessly happier without me in your life. You deserve better then danger at every turn and a boyfriend that isn't anything. I'm not a human, I'm not a human, I'm just a mix.

Never forget that someone loved you more then anyone else who will love you can contemplate. Know that someone worshipped you, adored you, and lusted after you from the day they met you to the day they...

I loved you forever,

Max.


Max reread the letter slowly, making sure that it expressed everything he wanted to. He wasn't satisfied with it, but then again, nothing he had ever done for Liz had been good enough in his eyes. He had never been good enough.

After gently folding the thick, peach-colored paper into thirds he slipped it into a matching envelope. He licked it shut and then wrote Liz's name on the front in careful script and stood up to leave. He ignore the three aliens at his door and the two on either side of his window and walked towards the window.

A gruff, emotionless voice stopped him from unhooking the latch. "Where are you going?" Both of the window gaurds' statures stiffened as if ready for anything he might try to pull.

"I wanted to leave this note for my girlfriend... for a... a friend." They didn't ask about what it said as he expected them to. Probably because they knew even if he told the truth there was nothing the one he gave it to could do.

The same gaurd who had stopped him stared him down before nodding swiftly and unhooking the window for him. As he jumpped down one of them followed him. For a milisecond he thought about running before sanity returned and he realized there was no use. His follower would catch him before he could go farther then a step. He started towards Liz's house on foot. No use making it obvious he was going somewhere. It was one in the morning and he was in Roswell, someone would notice.

As he reached the familiar neon sign of the Crashdown an almost unbareable pain formed in his stomach and started to strech throughout his body. He didn't want to say goodbye, he wanted to say hello again. He wanted to start over with her, building up her trust in him again and... Max stopped his thoughts in their tracks. No matter what he wanted he couldn't help what he had to do.

Biting his tongue until it bled to stop from sobbing he walked towards the latter and started up it. His follower continued to follow him. Once he reached the top he began to worry the gaurd would follow him inside. He needed a few moments alone with Liz - without someone watching his every move. Before he opened her window Max said, "Stay out here." He knew he wasn't in a position to give orders, but the gaurd didn't argue and stood directly to the right side of the window.

Max opened Liz's window and stepped inside quickly. His eyes went to Liz's sleeping form immediately. She looked so peaceful, so innocent. He was right, what he wrote in the letter, she did deserve better then the life she would of had to live with him. He was just to selfish to realize it before.

He walked to her bed and set the leter on her bedside table. As he crouched beside her his hand pushed back a few strands of hair that had fallen over her eyes. Tears started to fall down his cheeks. Closing his eyes to stop their flow he bent his head down over her face. Licking his lips he gave her gentle kiss on her cheek, his lips just grazing hers as he lifted his head again.

"I love you Liz. Forever," he whispered into the darkness.

Doing his best to ignore the still growing pain he stood again and walked back to the window. He glaced at her breifly before leaving her room and closing the window behind him. For the last time.

~*~

Liz stared down at the carefully hand-writen letter. The ink was running from the drops of tears that had landed on the paper. What did it mean? Why had he said "I loved you forever"? Did he stop? She knew the truth in her heart. She knew why he had said loved instead of love. He was going to... A loud, painful sob escaped her throat.

She had found the letter on her bed when she'd woken that morning. Max had left it the night before. He was gone. And there was nothing he could do about it. Nothing.

And he had left thinking she didn't love him. A few quick breaths left her mouth before it all went black.

~*~

She silently stared out at the deep blue sea water splashing against the rocks jutting out from the cliff's edge. Even since she had moved to Santa Cruz California, a few months after her highschool graduation, she had made it a tradition of coming to the beach every evening after she finished her intern work at the local highschool science lab. After living in Roswell, New Mexico her entire life she wanted to take advantage of the oh so desertless land.

Her knees were inches away from the side. She was so close she could feel the water in the air moisting her skin. It would be so easy to... no. She had decided long ago this would not be the place she died.

A small shiver went down her spine. The summer sun was beginning to set behind the ocean line and the night breeze followed, grazing her bare arms and making goose bumps appear. She knew she should walk back to her appartment but she couldn't bring herself to move.

Suddenly it occured to her what date it was. June eleventh. The anniversary of the day Max had... she forced herself to finish the thought - the day Max had died. She closed her eyes to block the flow of tears threatening to fall. Even after five years the pain of Max's suicide was still raw. She missed him more then anyone understood. Maria - sweet Maria - had tried hundreds of times to get her to try dating again. But Liz knew she couldn't, it was too soon; she wasn't ready. She didn't know if it would ever be soon enough. The only thing she was sure of was that she would never stop loving Max. Ever.

The tingling that she felt in her breast whenever Max was within her radar started all of a sudden. She smiled through her tears, it was almost as if Max was really there.

TBC

[ edited 3 time(s), last at 29-Nov-2001 7:57:19 PM ]