posted on 2-Feb-2003 11:17:44 PM by bel_1983
Its still me under a new name. My password wouldn't work for my old name, so I've gotta repost under this one.

Author: bel_1983

Title: M!SSUndAZtood series

Disclaimer: The characters that you know don’t belong to me those that you don’t do!! The title of each part belong to Pink as well as the title, taken from Pinks brilliant album M!SSUndAZtood.
I was listening to the cd, and the lyrics struck a cord. There will be 14 parts for each song on the cd.

AN: Liz is telling her life story, in some parts it may be a bit dark and drugs may be mentioned. I will warn before hand. This is a dreamer story, happy ending guaranteed!!

ONE- M!SSUndAZtood

I might be the way
Everybody likes to say
I know watcha thinking about me
There might be a day
You might have a certain way
But you don't have my luxuries
And it's me I know
I know my name 'cause I say it proud
Everything I want I always do
Lookin' for the right track
Always on the wrong track
But are you catchin' all these tracks
That I'm layin' down for you

There's a song I was listening to
Up all night
There's a voice I'm hearing
Saying it's alright
When I'm happy I am sad
But everything's good
It's not that complicated
I'm just misunderstood

There might be a day
Everything it goes my way
Can't you think I know I'm superfly
I might see a world
In a world inside of you
Then I might just say goodbye
And it's my name I know
I say it loud 'cause I'm really proud
Of all the things I used to do
Well it's the wrong track
Looking for the right track
And are you catchin' all these tracks
That I'm layin' down for you

And it's the wrong track
Looking for the right track
But are you catchin' all these tracks
That I'm layin' down for you
There's a song I was listening to
Up all night
There's a voice I am hearing
Saying it's alright
I was taken for granted
But it's all good
'Cause I'll do it again I'm just misunderstood
Yeah, I'll do it again I'm just misunderstood
Yeah, I'll do it again I'm just misunderstood
Yeah, I'll do it again I'm just misunderstood

Hi I’m Liz Parker. You don’t know a lot about me, but what you do know, or what you think you know, dismiss it right now. Because I’m telling you none of that matters anymore. This is a different story. There might be a few laughs, there will definitely be a few tears , but as you discover each and every detail about me, Keep this in the back of your head. It’s all good. I’ve been through my fair share of trials and tribulations, and I came out all right at the other end. Maybe a little misunderstood , but it was always that way!

There have been times when I have gone down the wrong track, but eventually all tracks lead to each other right? At least that’s what I have learned, and I think my story means something. At least I hope it does, because then that would make what you will find out piece by piece worth it. It will mean that the life I’ve lived was worth something. And I think it was.

There was a time when I would never have been able to tell my story, for fear of being misunderstood. You see I’ve been through a lot, some dillusionists will say it’s my own fault. There also the same people who will say I’m telling my story for pity. I’m not. I’m telling it because I think It’s a tale of hope, a tale of inspiration, a tale of a girl who defied the odds. The people who way these things don’t know the life I’ve lived. They’ve made assumptions based on half truths and lies. And they’ve been happy to settle.

I can tell you right now, I probably wouldn’t even be telling my story if It hadn’t been for my saviour. He came along when I was at my lowest. He picked me up when he didn’t have to...But he did. He was the first one to listen. The first one to understand. He was the first one to see me. I had been written off by so many people, that I thought it meant something, that maybe they were right. These were people who I thought would be there for me, I thought they were important to me. So what they said had to be right. Right? Wrong.

And whilst once I would have been scared to tell my story. Scared what people might think of me. Scared what people might say, now I know that all along I’ve just been misunderstood. People didn’t look in me, or even at me. They looked through me. They didn’t see the layers, they didn’t see the pain. They didn’t understand what I had been through. I guess you can’t understand what you can’t see, and you can’t see what you don’t look for. But now, with his help I can make them understand. I can make them see that all along I have just been misunderstood. There was a reason for the way I was, the way I acted. There was a reason, I looked like I was dead. There was a reason I was isolated and alone. And there was a reason, why I had so much hate inside of me. Now they are going to find out, and so are you.

Bear with me through my story. I might jump back and forth quite a bit. But just remember that that is not the point. There is only one point and that point is that my story is finally being told. Finally, after all these years, I am explaining myself. And it’s not because I feel I have to...I don’t. It’s because maybe there are other people out there who are like I used to be, maybe, just maybe if this story reached them, they can have hope. They can have dreams. And they can know that these dreams can come true. No matter how tough times may be, there is always someone out there worse off then you.

I’m letting all those people who dissed me, see me. I’m making them all understand. Understand the way I was. The way I am. Because I’ve reached a point in my life - and I have only reached this point because of him - where I can be me, where I can be me without the judgements, without the ridicule. It’s time for me to let go of my past, and take hold of my future, and that’s what I’m doing here. I guess in some ways this is closure for me. Maybe that’s all I needed all along. Closure.

And it was him who helped me to understand...That maybe the world hasn’t been against me this whole time. Maybe it’s all not as complicated as I have made it out to be. Maybe nothings ever that complicated.

Maybe I’m not how they see me, but maybe I am. Maybe I did have a hard life...But maybe that got me to where I am today. And I would do it all again If I had too. Evan if it is just to find out that all along I was just misunderstood.

Maybe you can tell me...

Feedback, feedback, feedback, if you want Liz’s story told.

[ edited 1 time(s), last at 3-Feb-2003 3:57:56 AM ]
posted on 2-Feb-2003 11:19:29 PM by bel_1983

I never win 1st place
I don't support the team
I can't take direction
And my socks are never clean
Teachers dated me
My parents hated me
I was always in a fight
'Cause I can't do nothing right

Everyday I fight a war against the mirror
Can't take the person staring back at me

I'm a hazard to myself
Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
It's bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't want to be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else

LA told me
You'll be a pop star
All you have to change
Is everything you are
Tired of being compared
To damn Britney Spears
She's so pretty
That just ain't me

So doctor doctor won't you please prescribe me something
A day in the life of someone else

My life has had many major turning points. With most of them turning the wrong way. But for now I’m going to take you back eight years. This turning point came at a point in my life where I was ready to give up. This turning point also has a name...Max Evans.

Don’t think this part is all going to be smiles either because it’s not. I had a bumpy life, some bumps were bigger then others, and some bumps you could barley see, nether the less they were this. This bump impacted my life like no other. It’s not all cupcakes and roses, but It has to be told.

I’m taking you back eight years to when I was in high school. This is not where my story begins. It is where my life begins... The place where my story begins will come later. This is just one of those turning points in my life.

My life up until this point had been disappointment after disappointment, failure after the failure. And the tides did not look like changing. I’m telling you this now, so early on, because this is where I met him. He didn’t see me until it was nearly too late. I don’t think about what might have been, I just think about what was, and am glad that he saw me in time.

You see, at school I was never anything. I had no friends. All the girls hated me, all the boys ignored me, all the teachers shunned me. My grades weren’t impressive. I look back now, and know I had the potential, I just didn’t think there was any point for someone like me. I think about it now, and think about how stupid I was. At least I graduated. I did get a few A’s in mathematics, but only after I did some things that I am still ashamed of. For a second I needed to feel, and for a second I did feel. And also the seconds after that when I was throwing up in the bathroom from repulsion. I didn’t sleep with him, if that’s what you’re thinking. It sounds weird when I say it now, but I was saving myself. Ok it sounds laughable. I was too scared to feel let alone love and I was saving myself for Mr Right.
Them A’s I got in maths aren't worth anything to me anymore. I don’t think they ever really were. I mean I never really cared about grades. And I don't want to go into a big psychology report into why I did what I did, but I can’t change the past. I have many regrets. That just happens to be one of my biggest.

I was troubled back then. I was falling and falling fast. It’s not like I had very far to fall though. I’d fallen just about as far as there was to fall without hitting rock bottom. My past had seen to that.

Every morning before school I’d look in the mirror and I wouldn’t like what I saw staring back at me. I’d curse the gods for the cards that had been dealt my way. I’d spit at the reflection I saw, and then I would turn and walk away. It was that easy back then for me to hate myself, now thanks to him and a select few, it’s a lot harder.
Every morning without fail I would look in that same mirror, spit at that same face, and curse those same words. I didn’t want to be me, I just wanted to be someone else. I’d look at other girls and picture myself in their shoes, making up stories of how my life could have been If I had been them. I’d imagine being them for a day, and I ‘d wonder if they would survive being me.

Al I wanted to so was escape that mirror. All I wanted to do was escape my life. That mirror that reflected every detail, every fault. That mirror that showed exactly what I was...Nothing, no one.

I barely existed back in high school. I was my own worst nightmare. I was their worst nightmare as well. I would deliberately pick fights. I like getting beaten up. I’d pick a fight then I would stand there and take everything they threw at me. I never threw a punch. I enjoyed getting beaten up because it showed me that they saw me. That I wasn’t invisible. I was my own worst enemy back then. I hated myself. I hated what I was. I just wanted to be somebody else. I was really messed up. Years of the life I had lead would do that to you. They had finally taken their toll, and I was drowning. Drowning in my own thoughts and feelings. The waves were crashing over me, but no one could see me waving my arm for help.

Others might have been stronger to pull through, then again others may have been weaker and died. I nearly became one of them. After years of abuse I was weak, and I had nothing to hold onto. There was nothing that I wanted to stay on this earth for, nothing to keep me grounded here. I would be leaving no one behind if I was to just end my life. That one thought saddened me yet at the same time, it made me glad, that no one would suffer if something were to happen to me. I should never have been thinking like that. But I was alone and I was suffering.

I was a hazard to myself and there was no one who could save me. At least that is what I thought when I tried to end my life. But he found me. He saved me.

He says now, that he had noticed me back then. He saw how much I was suffering. He saw how I was drowning and there was no one there to save me. He saw the bruises on my wrists which I tried to hide with wrist bands, and the bruises on my face which I tried to hide with make up. He saw the marks on my arms where countless needles had pierced my skin. He didn’t know the full story behind those track marks back then, but he does now. He understands me. He loves me.

He says now, that that day he found me his heart stopped beating in his chest. He thought he was too late. He nearly was.
He’d been watching me at school that day. He says now how I looked dead. My eyes were bloodshot and black; From lack of sleep or drugs, he didn’t know at the time. He tries to find me at school to see if I was ok, but I’d already gone home. I’d already made up my mind as to which path my life was going to take. I never expected anyone to come looking for me, least of all him. He was popular, good looking, smart; all the girls chased him. He was everything I was not.

He had never said a word to me before that day. No one had. He laughs now and says I used to intimidate him, and then he becomes subdued knowing that that decision not to approach me nearly cost my life...Nearly. He tells me that he just used to watch me, just to make sure I was at school. If I was at school, then I was still alive. Or at least as alive as I could be. He used to wonder what could have made me the way I was, now he says he never imagined it could have been as bad as it was. He gets depressed thinking about it, I smile and thank him. My saviour.

He tells me how that day at school he ran around looking in every room, in every corner for me. Eventually he went to admin and found out my address. I thought they were confidential, but he says now that they weren’t going to give it to him, but he looked so desperate, they felt sorry for him and caved.

He told me that when he got to my house, he was shocked at what he saw. I had a beautiful house, a well kept yard. It even had the white picket fence. No one could have guessed the amount of pain that was stored with in those walls. Years later I would tell him the story, behind that house, and he would ask me to move in with him. I would agree.

He says that when I didn’t answer the door, he resorted to smashing a window, he cut himself on a shard of glass whilst climbing through. He didn’t notice until hours later. He didn’t acre about the alarm that was signalled. He called my name, and at the time I didn’t think I’d heard him, but now when I think back I know that I did. I just didn’t believe it could be true. He eventually found me. I was in my bathroom.

He says that when he saw me there lying there on the floor curled up in a ball looking so helpless, his heart beat went through the roof, he thought I was dead. Then he heard me sob, and now he says that the sound is still the on of the sweetest things he has ever heard.

He told me years later how he was crying himself when he saw a bottle of pills spilled across the floor. But then my body racked with sobs and he realised. I hadn’t gone through with it. I don’t think about what might have been if he’d never shown up, I’m just thankful he did.

He held me that night. The first night that I had ever been held. He saved me that night. Saved me from myself. He says I saved him too, from a worthless life with only material things. He realised there was more in this world. He doesn’t want to learn any more lessons like that. He won’t.
posted on 2-Feb-2003 11:21:01 PM by bel_1983
Thanks for all the feedback guys. Keep it coming and I'll keep the parts coming... its greatly appreciated.


Lying here on the floor where you left me
I think I took too much
I'm crying here, what have you done?
I thought it would be fun

I can't stay on your life support
There's a shortage in the switch
I can't stay on your morphine
'Cause it's making me itch
I said I tried to call the nurse again
But she's being a little bitch
I'll think I'll get out of here

Where I can run just as fast as I can
To the middle of nowhere
To the middle of my frustrated fears

And I swear you're just like a pill
Instead of making me better
You keep making me ill
You keep making me ill

I haven't moved from the spot where you left me
It must be a bad trip
All of the other pills were different
Maybe I should get some help

I can't stay on your life support
There's a shortage in the switch
I can't stay on your morphine
'Cause it's making me itch
I said I tried to call the nurse again
But she's being a little bitch
I'll think I'll get out of here

Where I can run just as fast as I can
To the middle of nowhere
To the middle of my frustrated fears

And I swear you're just like a pill
Instead of making me better
You keep making me ill
You keep making me ill
Now you know how a man named Max Evans came into my life and saved me from myself, I will take you back one year previously from that day. This was another weak moment of my life. I had quite a few of them, but I still got to the place I am today. Max says a lesser person might not have. I say they wouldn’t necessarily be a lesser person, they might just have reached their edge, and with nothing to hold them their, they let go. That doesn’t make them a lesser person. It makes them human.

One year before that fateful day my life changed forever I was barely surviving, and then he came along. His name was Sean Hastings. He was older than me by a few years. I was sixteen, he was twenty-one. He was a typical bad boy. A rebel. And that attracted me. I was extremely vulnerable and I just needed to feel. Hurt, pain, love...Anything by that stage. I didn’t care I’d been through enough to last me a life time. I didn’t think my life could get any worse. It did.

He offered me an alternative to merely existing. And I took it. I thought he cared for me. I was grasping on to an illusion though.

The first time he offered me a way out through heroin I refused. I may have been weak and vulnerable, but I wasn’t stupid. I knew what it could do to you. I’d seen first hand what I could do. He told me if I loved him, cared for him even, I would do it. Emotional blackmail. And I still refused.

That is one moment of my life where I can look back, and know that I wasn’t completely weak. I had strength in me. I look back on that moment and I know I was strong. Even if it didn’t last, I still had them precious moments. Those precious minutes before I learned what Sean Hastings was really like.

I felt the blow across my face, but I couldn’t comprehend whether it had really happened or not. The next thing I know I’ve got a needle sticking in my arm, and my senses are starting to merge together. I was as high as a ghost. I looked like a ghost too, and when I came down I knew that I’d nearly reached to bottom of a long continuose fall. And I knew it was going to kill me when I hit rock bottom.

I woke the next morning with a hole in my arm, a bruise on my face, and a craving. A craving for heroin.

My body was susceptible to drugs. I had a tiny build and had never touched any form of drugs before. Another thing I could pride myself on. At least until I met Sean Hastings. So I was easily addicted. I was addicted to drugs, and I was addicted to pain. The worst part was I was addicted to Sean Hastings. That addiction nearly killed me. The boy I thought would save me, was my ultimate downfall. His name will forever haunt me, down to the very depths of my soul. I heard a little while back that a body was found face down in an alley way. Cause of death: One bullet to the head, point blank range. Identification: One Sean William Hastings. Motive: Unpaid debt to drug dealers.

That could have easily been me. It wasn’t, and I found myself thankful That I found the strength within myself, at a time when I was so vulnerable, to walk away. He didn’t, and he died for it.
When I read his name in the obituaries that day, for the first time in a long time I felt nothing again. And then Max walked into the room, and all of a sudden everything became clear. The room stopped spinning, my vision cleared, and I was back again. Max has that affect on me.

I wasn’t with Sean at the time Max found me. I don’t know how I did it to this day, but I somehow escaped from his clutches. From his spell. And in escaping the clutches of Sean Hastings, I also escaped the clutches of heroin. That’s not the part that amazes me now, the fact that amazes me is that I did it alone. And I made it. And then I nearly destroyed it all by killing myself.

No one, not even I could tell you what goes through your mind when you’re going through with withdrawal, all you think about is your next fix. You become delusional. Still to this day, my mind is confused from events that happened in that time frame, or events that didn’t happen. I lost all sense of time. I lost all sense.

I can’t remember what was going through my head when I nearly tried to put an end to my life. I guess whatever it was I should be grateful. Because I haven’t touched drugs since and I haven’t tried to take my life.

Some might say I was weak. I say I was strong. It doesn’t take much to become addicted to something, but it takes a lot more and some to give up an addiction. And I did give it up. And not only did I give up drugs, but I gave up Sean Hasting as well, and let me tell you that took every ounce of strength I didn’t know I even possessed.

When you’re alone and you finally find someone right in front of you, you cling to them like a life line. Sean was supposed to be my lifeline. My life line nearly ended up killing me. After that day I promised myself I would never lean on anyone again. I would rather be alone. I don’t like to break promises, especially to myself, but In this instance I’m glad my heart won out with Max.

I still can’t believe I had it in me, to leave him. I ran. I ran as fast as a I could, and I didn’t look back. I didn’t know where I was going, or where I was going to end up. I just knew where ever I ended up it had to have been better then this. Somehow I ended up in Roswell, New Mexico. Some how I ended up in the arms of my soul mate.

I guess you could call it luck, plain and simple. But I choose to call it fate. I never believed in it until Max. But now I believe in anything.

Max seems to do that to me.

So that was how I ended up attending West Roswell High School. You might be wondering how I got accepted into school. I called in a favour. If I can even call it that.

Remember earlier when I mentioned the beautiful house in Roswell New Mexico, that when Max found out the story behind, he asked me to move in with him? Well I guess It’s time I told you how I came to live in that house. I had lived with ,my family in Roswell since I was baby. You will find out more about my family later. For the moment all you need to know is that we used to be a normal happy family, then things happened, and my life went down the gurgler.

I have no contact with them now, I don’t even know where they are. They up and left and I stayed put. When I strayed with Sean I stayed with Sean. When I ran from him, I ran straight back home. If I could even call it that. My parents were going to sell the house, and leave me out on the streets. But I had a couple of weapons up my sleeve. Blackmail mostly. My mum was a Hollywood actress and If certain people caught wind of her life, her career would be ruined. I’m not going to mention her name.

All you need to know for now is she wasn’t much of a mother. And when I threatened to go to the media and expose her past, they caved and didn’t sell the house. It wasn’t that I wanted to live there, It was that it was the only place I had to go. I needed the familiar at that point in my life. And despite everything it did hold a couple of good memories, but that part of my life will come later.

I feel its time to introduce you to some other important people in my life. Their names; Maria and Michael Guerin, Isabel and Alex Whitman. And also a special friend by the name of Kyle Valenti. Every person should have friends like these. They are some of the most selfless people I know. I never thought I would ever have a network of people like this that I could classify as family. But I do, and I will forever be grateful for that.

[ edited 1 time(s), last at 3-Feb-2003 3:59:51 AM ]
posted on 3-Feb-2003 4:05:12 AM by bel_1983
hey guys
just made a few adjustments...
Thats if anyone's reading this..
Feedback would be greatly appreciated
Have a good one