This is a Tag to "Ever wonder"
Kinda My Musings on what the hell is going through max's mind ... It's like right when he gets back from cali (Ever wonder is too in case you were wondering")
"Selfish" - Thats what he called me.
Have I always been this way?
I think back to all the times I could be selfish and I realize he's right.
I'm a selfish bastard.
I'm on this quest that no one understands.
I know, how could they possibly understand, they can't feel him like I can.
I know they all hate Tess, hell Tess is not my favorite person, but that doesn't mean that the child we made together means nothing to me.
Can't they understand that?
I look back at my life the past years, and the only thing that has kept me going ...
Even when we were apart, even when it was torture to be near her, I just had to be.
She is etched in my soul and I want to keep her there safe in my heart.
This quest of mine is destroying her. I know that.
Do you know what it's like to have to choose between the one person in the world who holds your soul and heart in the palm of thier hands, and your child?
Sure I could say, I've never met him and he's the offspring of a she-beast, but he's mine and I can still feel him.
I'm ruining Liz's life with this, her parents, God her father wants to kill me.
I'm killing my mother.
Isabel hates me and Michael is just Michael.
Maria is angry with me on Principle.
Alex is still gone, I think that like somehow he'll come back or something, if only.
Langley, God I am selfish. I ruined his life ... for nothing.
And hope I had of him ever trusting me or helping me later I ruined in my quest?
How can everything be so wrong?
I couldn't answer the phone, I heard it ring and knew who it was. I looked down and just seeing her name made me come close to stopping.
I knew that the soft timbre of her voice would lull me back into a place I was unwiling to go ... a place where my son didn't matter and it was only Liz.
I escape to that place too much, it's addictive.
Then I feel him again and I'm brought back to the harsh reality of whats really going on.
Of the mess I've made of my life.
Should I be with her? Put her through this.
She says she's with me ... she understands
but sometimes her eyes are so hollow, then I look in the mirror and realize she's just a reflection of me.
I want, no I need her by myside. In all intesive purposes she is my queen, always has been.
I can't just stop looking for my son. And I cant give up Liz.
I am a selfish bastard.
I'm shit up a creek without a paddle.
I love her, and she loves me ...
My sanity relys on those simple words - She loves me.
I have to save my son, not Liz's son, my son ... and that simple fact threatens to shatter my dreams.
I'd die without liz ...
"Now that I know you ... I could never turn my back away ... now that I see you .... I feel so alive for the very first time ... I can't deny you" I sing along unconciously.
I can ignore destiny, I did ... until I thought ... It doesn't matter now ...
Whats done is done ...
I love her ... so I'm selfish ... I love her ...
She's everything to me ... I can't let her go ... I refuse to
So call me a selfish bastard ... What else can I be?
posted on 12-Dec-2001 5:07:33 PM by Jiggers
BEX ... I didn't mean to ruin it for you ... and It actually did get better after I wrote these ... but my friend has been nagging me to post them ... so I did ... lol
I have one similar to this called "He watches her" which is Tess's musing ... I'd have to find it ... to give you the link ...
I didn't mean to ruin it ... I think after the Christmas Episode I might try another with all the charaters ... because the Christmas one is suppose to be dreamer friendly (or so I've heard) soooo ... it may be happier
and Bex ... you get to writing ... I'm waiting and waiting for Vampiric Magik ... Sex never seemed so appealing and Back to the drawing board ...
but since in the next two days I have 3 finals ... I may not be around ... soooooo .. it's ok if you wait a bit ... :D
posted on 25-May-2002 10:40:58 PM by Jiggers
Hey BEX ...
After the season's over ... I'm telling you it gets better :D of course there are ups and down ... but it GETS BETTER!!!!