posted on 12-Dec-2001 10:23:16 PM by jasper711
Title: Hybrid Theory Series
Author: Jasper711
Email: Jasper7132⊕
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Category: Liz POV / Songfic
Rating: NC-17 (sexual content and language.)
Spoilers: All the way through busted. Anything else is just coincidental.
Summary: This is a series of Liz POVs. Imagine that Liz decided to go with Max when he offers to bust her out of jail.
Feedback: I’d appreciate it.
Author’s Note: For anyone reading my other fics, be forewarned that this is a far cry my cheese. This series is a little dark. Basically, it’s a little writing experiment for me. Rest assured, I’m still working on my other fics too. *wink* All songs used in this series are by Linkin Park.

With You


I woke up in a dream today

I roll over in my sleep, expecting to find warmth, a strong body. I don’t know why I even bother to pretend. I know what I’m going to find.

To the cold of the static / and put my cold feet on the floor

I wake up to find the space next to me empty; cold. I grab the thin sheet from the bed, covering my nude form as I stand to look at him.

Forgot all about yesterday

I watch him sit at the unsteady table, documents and maps scattered everywhere as he searches for a clue, anything that will lead him closer to his son. Funny how my stomach still manages to churn at the thought, the bile rising in my throat unbidden. His son.
He doesn’t even realize that I’m standing there.

Remembering I’m pretending to be where I’m not anymore

I can’t believe that this is what my life has been reduced to. Running, searching, never settling in one place for too long. I used to be a fucking Harvard hopeful. I used to have dreams.

Just look at me now. I’m in a seedy motel room with my alien boyfriend, sitting back while he searches for a bastard son he fathered with a murdering bitch.

I twine the sheet over the curve of my breast, tying a girl scout knot as I reach for the open pack of cigarettes that lie an inch from where he’s sitting.

As I light up, his amber gaze looks up at me, giving me one of his patented tortured looks.

“I really wish you wouldn’t do that. It isn’t healthy for you.”

A little taste of hypocrisy

I resist the urge to laugh openly in his face. Smoking is less life threatening than this alien way of living. Smoking is less likely to get me killed. I have a million to one chances of dying from this addiction.

My addiction to Max could kill me in the next second. But what do I care?

And I’m left in the wake of the mistake / slow to react

He stands up, bringing his body flush with mine. His dexterous fingers find their way into my mussed hair, his once soulful eyes delving deep into mine.

Even though you’re so close to me

“I hate seeing you do this.”

I take a long drag, barely paying to attention to him.

I can barely even feel him.

You’re still so distant / And I can’t bring you back

I used to believe that eyes were the windows to our souls.

When I look into Max’s eyes, all I see is a void. It’s like a black hole, threatening to consume you if you stare too long.

It’s true / the way I feel

I used to be a lot of things. Now I’m just a sorry excuse for someone who had potential.

Was promised by your face

I look into his eyes, thinking about how a single glance from him would make my knees weak, my heart thunder.

All I feel now is cold. A spine tingling cold that reaches all the way to my bones, making me numb all over.

The sound of your voice

“I hate seeing you abuse yourself. I love you Liz.”

Painted on my memories

Love used to be a four letter word that meant something. A four letter word that gave me hope.

Now it doesn’t mean anything.

Even if you’re not with me

He takes the cigarette from my fingers, putting it out as he captures my lips.

That’s his solution to everything.

Make everything disappear with a kiss.

I’m with you

We’re a tangle of arms and limbs, bodies flush against each other as we consummate.

You / Now I see/ keeping everything inside

His breath is hot on my neck, his kisses sloppy as words of promises drip from his lips.

You / Now I see / Even when I close my eyes

I can’t look at him. My eyes are shut tight until this over. My body is merely a vessel to lose myself in.

A vessel for him to lose himself in.

I hit you and you hit me back

He thrusts deeply against me, a guttural moan tumbling from his lips.

I bite my lip to contain my scream, not wanting to give in.

We fall to the floor / the rest of the day stands still

Hot, white, blinding, flashing lights. This is what hot alien sex is.

When he returns from his precipice, he leans down to kiss my lips.

Fine line between this and that

I feel like I’m going to be sick.

When things go wrong I pretend the past isn’t real

He hugs me against his broad chest, my skin gliding against his.

His deep voice rumbles deep in his chest as he talks about our future.

Now I'm trapped in this memory

We have no future.

It’s all a fucking joke.

And I’m left in the wake of the mistake / slow to react

I close my eyes, controlling my breathing to dupe him.

Even though you’re close to me

Convinced that I’m asleep, he kisses my forehead, bringing the blanket over my shoulders.

You’re still so distant / And I can’t bring you back

He returns to his task, his most important goal.


No matter how far we've come

I’m Liz Parker and this is my fucking life.

I can't wait to see tomorrow

I shut my eyes tighter, willing sleep to come.

It’s a never ending cycle.

With you

I’ll wake up tomorrow, and we’ll repeat the process all over again.


[ edited 14time(s), last at 5-Jan-2002 1:05:33 AM ]
posted on 13-Dec-2001 11:19:12 AM by jasper711
New Note: Hope this part gives you guys a little insight as to why Liz is staying with Max. Also, no guarantees of a dreamer friendly ending. This M/L is based on the ones we saw on our screens during Busted. Max is my least favorite character these days, right along with Isabel, but that's a whole 'nother story. LOL. I haven't seen any other episode of season 3 other than the aforementioned. I just can't stomach it.

Anyways, I know some people are waiting on new parts to my other stories, but this one just isn't letting me sleep.

So here goes.....



Graffiti decorations

“Liz, wake up.”

Underneath a sky of dust

My tousled head peaks from beneath the blanket covering my body.

The room is so dark with the drapes pulled tight, but I can see the light seeping in from under the door.

A constant wave of tension

“It’s time to go.”

On top of broken trust

I see him standing by the edge of the bed, bags packed and ready to go.

I guess hicktown USA didn’t get us any closer to his sacred heir.

I sit up, not bothering with modesty as my naked breasts bounce against my chest.

His eyes are riveted to my small assets, his jaw grinding as he fights to focus.

It amazes me that he can still get horny when he’s so consumed by this search leading nowhere.

“You should eat.”

I look at the half eaten bagel and lukewarm coffee swimming in a styrofoam cup.

You’d think that with super alien powers, he could at least do something useful like make us some money.

But Max would never do that. He still has morals.

You have to wonder why though.

What’s the point?

After all we’ve been through, you’d think that lying and cheating would come easily for him.

The lessons that you taught me

I eat every morsel of the stale bagel, pretending it’s a banquet, rather than the piece of shit that it is.

I feel his eyes on me, watching me.

I pretend I don’t notice.

I learn were never true

He kneels down in front of me, placing his hands on my naked knees.

“I’m sorry that things turned out this way. That we ended up here.”

I hear tears in his voice, but I’m a stonewall.

Now I find myself in question

He pleads with me to look at him.

And I do just to shut him up.

I feel a little tug in my heart, but I bite down on it.

I can’t get sucked in again.

They point the finger at me again

“Do you want us to stop?” He chokes on his sob, his nose dripping. “Just say the word and we will.”


He wants it to be me to hold him back.

He doesn’t want to be held responsible for his actions when he’s finally grown tired of looking.

Guilty by association

Everything will be all my fault again.

You point the finger at me again

And even as he says these words, I know he’ll hold me to blame if something happened to his son.

I’m his scapegoat.

Paper bags and angry voices

I feel a hum inside my heart, a hint of feeling. Something that’s been absent for so long.

I want to give him a piece of my mind.

But I won’t.

Under a sky of dust

This is a sick sequence.

Another wave of tension

One we’re bound to do repeat in every timeline.

Has more than filled me up

In every single universe that we’ve lived, he uses me.

He uses my love for him against me.

All my talk of taking action

But I’m not going to let him win this time.

I am not going to be his downfall again.

These words were never true

I shake my head and he releases a shuddering breath.

I don’t know if it’s from relief or from sorrow.

But either way, I don’t care.

Now I find myself in question

This isn’t about us.

This isn’t about him.

It’s about me and how I’m going to make sure he gets back to his planet.

To his son.

They point the finger at me again

They won’t be able to blame me again.

Guilty by association

I’m making sure he gets home.

You point the finger at me again

It’s not going to be my fault that the world will end.

It’s not going to be my fault that the king screws up.

I wanna run away

After this, I’m done.

Never say goodbye

I’m washing my hands of everything that’s alien.

Everything that is Max Evans.

I wanna know the truth

I want to remember what it was to be Elizabeth Parker, small town girl with big dreams.

Instead of wondering why

I want to break this vicious cycle.

I wanna know the answers

I want to be me again.

No more lies

When this over, it’ll just be me.

No more half truths, no more twisted perceptions.

I wanna shut the door

He wraps his arms around me, and I let him.

It’s just another step closer to burning a bridge.

And open up my mind

Another step to free myself.

Gonna run away...


Transperant Clear - My December was a song they recorded for the annual KROQ Christmas album. I'm thinking about using it in this fic also, so it all depends on where this all leads.

[ edited 1 time(s), last at 13-Dec-2001 11:27:29 AM ]
posted on 13-Dec-2001 3:23:33 PM by jasper711
A Place For My Head .... (Esaúl)


I watch how the moon sits in the sky

We drive with the top down on the Chevelle.

The sky changes color as we continue. I don’t think we’ve made a pit spot in at least five hours.

On a dark night shining with the light from the sun

We’re supposed to be incognito, but it seems as if Max has forgotten how to do that.

He used to be so good at hiding in plain sight.

The sun doesn't give light to the moon

Now it’s like he’s intentionally drawing attention to himself.

He’s a got a new haircut.

A five o’clock shadow that just doesn’t quit.

And a car that’s begging to be seen.

Assuming the moon's going to owe it one

It’s almost like he wants to get caught so he can stop.

It makes me think of how you act to me

I see it in his eyes.

I hear it in his voice.

After almost two years, he’s already growing weary.

You do favors and then rapidly

I know he wants to use me as an excuse to give up.

He’s already lost the will to fight, but he’s hiding behind me.

You just turn around and start asking me about

He’s been talking a lot about our future.

About how we will start a family when all of this over.

Funny when all of this started all he was concerned about was finding his son.

Things you want back from me

As things continue to look bleak, he seeks out my love.

A love that died a long time ago.

I'm sick of the tension, sick of the hunger

He’s holding onto something that isn’t there anymore.

He’s so consumed by his existence and how everything affects him, I doubt he’s realized that I haven’t spoken in three weeks.

Four weeks in two days, to be precise.

Sick of you acting like I owe you this

I know he thinks I’m doing this because I want us to be together.

That I want to see us prevail.

But that ship has come and sailed long ago.

Find another place to feed your greed

He shifts gears, and I feel the roar of the engine underneath my feet.

His hand lingers on the stick, tentatively touching my thigh.

I want this to be over.

While I find a place to rest

I’m tired.

I want to be in another place

We pull up to another stinky motel, but it isn’t a surprise.

I sort of welcome it now.

It’s the only thing that’s constant in my life.

Because Max sure as hell isn’t.

I hate when you say you don't understand

He ushers me into the room, telling me that he’s going to work on the food situation.

I shrug. It’s one of my better non verbal communications.

He kisses me. Holds me.

He pretends that it’s still like it used to be.

(You'll see it's not meant to be)

I wish he’d give it up already.

I want to be in the energy, not with the enemy

He lingers at the door, waiting for an encouragement. A word of endearment to lighten his heavy load.

But I won’t give him that.

He can have my body, but it stops there.

A place for my head

My mind is my temple.

It’s the only thing that he can’t take willingly.

The only thing I won’t give him.

Maybe someday I'll be just like you, and

He’s worried that we don’t get flashes from each other anymore.

But how can you get flashes from someone who is emotionally void?

From someone who’s practically dead inside?

Step on people like you do and

He thinks we’re the same.

Two peas in a pod.

He’s even more naive than when I first met him.

That, or he’s just so caught up in his own bullshit that he can’t even tell the difference anymore.

But I’ll never be like him.

I’m not selfish.

I may be dead inside, but I think it takes a special kind of somebody to be an alien hybrid.

How else can someone screw up so much?

Run away the people I thought I knew

I start stripping, heading to the shower.

I’ve lost so much.

Now I’m all alone.

I remember back then who you were

I hear a wounded sound come from deep in his throat.

But I don’t care.

He’s not who he used to be.

And neither am I.

You used to be calm, used to be strong

I believed we were soulmates.

That our love could overcome anything.

But as soon as a blonde with tits came into the equation, it turned out he was just like every guy on this planet.

Nothing made him special.

Nothing set him apart anymore.

Used to be generous, but you should've known

I gave up the world for him.

That you'd wear out your welcome

But it was all a mistake.

Now you see how quiet it is, all alone

I turn the faucet on, hearing his agonizing cries as he slips to the ground.

You try to take the best of me

I think it’s hit him.


I’m through.

Go away


posted on 13-Dec-2001 6:56:18 PM by jasper711


Crawling in my skin

I turn the knob until it’s pointing only towards the red zone.

The scalding water feels good.

These wounds / they will not heal

But it won’t wash away the filth.

It’s buried, deep inside.

Fear is how I fall

I used to be scared.

Of the FBI.

Of losing Max.

But I’ve already faced the FBI.

I’ve already lost Max.

What am I still scared of?

Confusing what is real

I listened to my grandmother feed me stories about a soulmate.

I bought into it.

But it wasn’t real.

A facade that I’ve been living for too long.

There’s something inside me that pulls beneath the surface

I scrub hard against my skin.

Clawing until it turns red.

Until it’s raw.

Consuming / confusing

I’ve let things fester.

This lack of self control I fear is never ending

But what’s there to fear?

Destiny is what you choose it to be.

Controlling / I can’t seem

You choose who you want to be with.

To find myself again

I thought I wanted Max.

But not like this.

My walls are closing in

I turn around, letting the spray hammer against my back.

A thousand lashes for every mistake.

[Without a sense of confidence / I’m convinced
there's just too much pressure to take]

I need this.

I’ve felt this way before

Never again.

So insecure

I have nothing left to lose.

Discomfort, endlessly has pulled itself upon me

The water’s tempered.

Distracting / reacting

I grab my jeans.

Max’s jeans.

Jeans that are too big for my slim hips.

Against my will I stand beside my own reflection

I wipe the steam off the mirror.

Beads of condensation dripping.

It’s haunting how I can’t seem

All I see is a hollow of what I once was.

Empty cheeks. Ribs sticking out. Flat stomach with no curves.

I’m your average waif.

To find myself again

I don’t know who I am anymore.

My walls are closing in

It wasn’t supposed to turn out like this.

[Without a sense of confidence / I’m convinced
there's just too much pressure to take]

With a hoarse cry from my lips, I bang my fists into the mirror.

Shards of glass flying every which way.

I’ve felt this way before

The blood seeps down my arms.

Down my tattered skin.

So insecure...

But I’m one step closer.


This will be the last part I'll be posting today. I still need to finish packing. LOL.

Anyways, hope to get back with some new ideas for my other fics.

Have a good weekend everybody! *happy*

posted on 14-Dec-2001 2:20:32 AM by jasper711
Note: One last post before I leave. I know this part is a little confusing, but bear with me. I'll try and clear it up when I get back. *wink*

One Step Closer


The moment he hears my cry, he comes running.

Bursting through the door like my knight in shining armor.

He picks up my wounded arms, his words a blur as he fusses over me.

I cannot take this anymore

I don’t want this.

I'm saying everything I've said before

I push him away, unaware of my incoherent mumblings.

All these words they make no sense

I don’t want his pity.

I don’t want his healing hands.

I find bliss in ignorance

Sometimes I wish I never knew his touch.

Glowing hickeys and silver handprints.

Less I hear the less you'll say

I see his lips moving, but I don’t hear a word.

I don’t want to.

But you'll find that out anyway
Just like before...

I sink to the ground, covering my ears.

Everything you say to me

No more words.

Takes me one step closer to the edge

An earsplitting scream.

Loud enough to shatter the finest crystal.

And I'm about to break

Is it my voice?

I need a little room to breathe

Or is it his?

Cause I'm one step closer to the edge

Either way it reaches all the way to my core.

And I'm about to break

I didn’t even know I still had a heart.

I find the answers aren't so clear

I didn’t know I still cared.

Wish I could find a way to disappear

This isn’t happening.

All these thoughts they make no sense

If I close my eyes, maybe it’ll go away.

I find bliss in ignorance

Maybe he’ll disappear.

Nothing seems to go away

I take a peek.

Over and over again

But he’s still there.

He’s always there.

Where was he when I needed him?

Why is he here when I don’t need him?

I take my stand.

Something I should have done a long time ago.

I meet his eyes, and for the first time in a long time, I really look.

shut up when I'm talking to you


[ edited 1 time(s), last at 17-Dec-2001 12:39:55 PM ]
posted on 17-Dec-2001 3:16:14 AM by jasper711
I just got back from Mammoth.

I'm tired, bruised, aching, but I had soooo much fun. LOL. I love Mammoth. *big*

Anyways, here's the latest part.

Hope it's a little coherent. I wrote this after snowboarding for five hours straight. I landed on my head a few times so blame any suckiness on that. LOL.

I'll shut up now. *happy*

Pushing Me Away


I've lied to you

For one brief moment, I see a flicker in his eyes.

Amber eyes that have been masked for so long.

Dead almost.

The same way that I always do

And for that one second, I see My Max.

The Max who risked everything because it was me.

The Max Evans that was living behind a tree for a decade until that fateful day in September.

This is the last smile

But I can’t do this again.

He may have taken that step back when we had our first kiss, but now it’s my turn to do it.

I should have listened to my heart when it told me to leave him be.

He had a wife.

A preordained destiny.

And now a son.

How am I supposed to compete with that?

Why should I?

That I'll fake for the sake of being with you

But a heart can only take so much.

And I’m afraid mine has taken more than it can take, and then some.

(Everything falls apart, even the people who never frown eventually break down)

I used to smile, and pretend everything was okay.

I was the peacemaker that everyone looked to.

The one who forgave regardless.

But I’m not God.

The sacrifice of hiding in a lie

I used to be somebody.

Now I’m a nineteen year old fugitive.

(Everything has to end, you'll soon find we're out of time left to watch it all unwind)

But if I want to wake up and see a new day, I have to do this.

I can’t be the be all and the end all of Max’s existence.

Because sooner rather than later, I will be the end all of Max’s existence.

And mine too.

The sacrifice is never knowing

If I don’t do this, this will be another "What if?" in my life.

I can’t afford any more of those.

Why I never walked away

His eyes darken with understanding.

And now he knows.

Why I played myself this way

But this isn’t any way to live.

Or die.

Now I see your testing me pushes me away

They say being in a relationship requires ups and downs.

How long do I have to wait for an up?

I've tried like you

I’ve bent over backwards, forwards, sideways, and every which way.

But it’s never enough.

To do everything you wanted too

Max wanted this.

I thought I wanted this.

This is the last time

But I think we’ve reached our end.

I'll take the blame for the sake of being with you

We’ve caused each other more damage than good.

The one thing we wanted to avoid before we started any of this.

We're all out of time, this is how we find how it all unwinds

I never thought it would end this way.

The sacrifice of hiding in a lie

I never thought it would end.

We're all out of time, this is how we find how it all unwinds

But it has.

The sacrifice is never knowing

And now, we both have to grow up.

Pushes me away…



zannyb - another LP fan! (mind me as I do my little jig.) Always get excited to see another LP fan. :D

Rostrin - a publishing house? I'm touched you think my writing is that good. Honestly, this is just a hobby of mine. I've been writing short stories ever since I was in second grade. But second grade was a long time ago, and short stories aren't in my vocabulary. LOL. All my stories end up being way too long. I'm not making any sense, but I'm going on only a few hours of sleep, so forgive me. *happy*

[ edited 1 time(s), last at 17-Dec-2001 3:28:29 AM ]
posted on 17-Dec-2001 1:15:20 PM by jasper711
By Myself


What do I do to ignore them behind me?

I walk down the lonely road with nothing but my black tank top and Max’s jeans.

Do I follow my instincts blindly?

I have the urge to look behind me.

To see if he cares enough to watch me leave.

Do I hide my pride / from these bad dreams

But we all have to start somewhere.

And give in to sad thoughts that are maddening?

I feel the hairs on my neck stand up.

And I have to wonder if it’s him.

Do I / sit here and try to stand it?

I’m tempted.

Or do I / try to catch them red – handed?

How can I not be?

Do I trust some and get fooled by phoniness, Or do I trust nobody and live in loneliness?

He’s been my addiction for four years.

Because I can’t hold on / when I’m stretched so thin

Going cold turkey is a lot harder than it seems.

I make the right moves but I’m lost within

But I’ll persevere.

I put on my daily façade but then

I know what it’s like to pretend.

To ignore.

I just end up getting hurt again

But make believe is what it is.

By myself

Nothing more.

Nothing less.

I ask why, but in my mind

If I think about him, I’ll cave.

I find I can’t rely on myself

He’s been my Achilles' heel for too long.

I can’t hold on

I feel gravel dig into the flesh of my feet.

To what I want when I’m stretched so thin

I’m cold.



It’s all too much to take in

I feel I might spontaneously combust.

I can’t hold on

I sink to the dirt floor.

To anything watching everything spin


Back and forth.

With thoughts of failure sinking in

I’m doing the right thing.

That’s what I tell myself.

If I

Turn my back I’m defenseless

How can I be sure this will be any better?

And to go blindly seems senseless

But what other choice do I have?

If I hide my pride and let it all go on / then they’ll

Take from me ‘till everything is gone


If I let them go I’ll be outdone

I’m done running.

But if I try to catch them I’ll be outrun

I need to face what’s been coming.

If I’m killed by the questions like a cancer

Good or bad.

Then I’ll be buried in the silence of the answer

What goes around, comes around.

[by myself]

And mine has been a long time coming.

How do you think / I’ve lost so much

The roar of an engine pounds in my ears.

Cutting off as a window is pulled down.

I’m so afraid / I’m out of touch

“Need a ride?”

How do you expect / I will know what to do

I wipe my tears.

Tears I hadn’t realized I was crying.

When all I know / Is what you tell me to

I stand, pulling the door open.

Don’t you know

“Where ya’ headed?”

I can’t tell you how to make it go

“Roswell. Roswell New Mexico.”

My voice sounds funny.

No matter what I do, how hard I try

“You sure are far away from Roswell little lady.”

The car jerks, and we’re gone.

I can’t seem to convince myself why

We pass the motel, and my eyes are drawn.

Like a magnet pulling.

I’m stuck on the outside

What I see tells me I did the right thing.

He’s gone.


[ edited 2 time(s), last at 17-Dec-2001 1:18:49 PM ]
posted on 18-Dec-2001 3:08:22 PM by jasper711
Points of Authority


I stand outside of the Crashdown, looking in through the window.

This used to be my home.

My sanctuary.

I see my reflection in the glass.

Forfeit the game / Before somebody else

I’m on the outside looking in.

This isn’t my home anymore.

Takes you out of the frame / Puts your name to shame

I walk through the familiar double doors, the bells jangling over my head.

Broken plates, food discarded as my father sees me.

My mother pale, the color drained.

Cover up your face / You can’t run the race

My feet feel an itch to run.

To never come back after having caused so much heartache.

The pace is too fast / You just can’t last

But there’s nowhere left to run.

No one left to run to.

You love the way I look at you

My father grabs my shoulders, shaking me furiously.

His anger is short-lived, his body wracked with sobs.

While taking pleasure in the awful things you put me through

I feel sick to my stomach when the magnitude of what I’ve done....How my selfishness has affected him and my mother hits me.

How can they still love me after all of the shit that I’ve caused?

You take away if I give in

I break down.

My life

Two years of pent up emotions.


All of them, bubbling to the surface.

My pride is broken

I’m not ashamed to let them see me.

To see me broken.

Shriveled up to almost nothing.

You love the things I say I’ll do-

My father’s eyes light up.

Plans bursting out of his mouth.

Plans to keep me in hiding.

To keep me from the law.

The way I’ll hurt myself again just to get back at you

I shake my head.

This isn’t why I came back.

I didn’t come back to hide behind someone.

I’m through with all of that.

You take away when I give in / my life

The look in his eyes.....

My answer isn’t what he wants to hear.

I’ve fucked up again.

My pride is broken

I didn’t leave him for this.

I’ve made my decision, and my own blood won’t be able to stop me.

You like to think you’re never wrong

He’s angry.

But it’s not going to work.

You want to act like you’re someone

I’ve spent the past six years of my life catering to other people’s feelings.

It’s time I did what I wanted.

What I need.

You want someone to hurt like you

He gives me a sorrowful stare.

He shows me the age in his eyes.

He wants me to be guilty.

To take pity on him.

You want to share what you’ve been through

I love my father.

I love my mother.

But love isn’t going to stop me from what I need to do.

(You live what you learn)

“Take me back to Salinas.”


posted on 20-Dec-2001 1:12:12 PM by jasper711


Why does it feel like night today?

I sit in my cell, my knees pulled to my chest as I stare at the concrete wall.

This is my home now.

At least for a while.

A long while.

Something in here's not right today.

Dizziness sets in, and for the third time today, I’m hovering over the small toilet.


Emptying the nothingness in my stomach.

Why am I so uptight today?

I feel a cold shiver run through my body, but my skin is emanating heat.

Paranoia's all I got left

I’m taken to the infirmary, where they run tests.
I don't know what stressed me first

They poke.

They prod.

And then they poke again, but they don’t know what’s going on.

Or how the pressure was fed

They scratch their heads, and start the process all over again.

But I know just what it feels like

I have an inkling.

To have a voice in the back of my head

A sixth sense that’s kicking in.

It's like a face that I hold inside

This isn’t happening.

A face that awakes when I close my eyes

It can’t.

A face watches every time I lie

It shouldn’t.

Not after all I’ve been through.

A face that laughs every time I fall

"You’re pregnant."

(And watches everything)

This is a sick joke.

It has to be.

So I know that when it's time to sink or swim

I order another test and they oblige, only to keep me from going postal.

That the face inside is hearing me

He doesn’t have to speak.

I can see it in his eyes.

Right underneath my skin

I can feel it inside me.

It's like I'm paranoid lookin' over my back

I lie in the darkness, watching for anything unusual.

Any glowing silver handprints.

It's like a whirlwind inside of my head

The wetness on my face tells me that I’m crying.

The shiver in my body tells me I’m weeping.

It's like I can't stop what I'm hearing within

How ironic is it that I finally find the courage to leave him, but he’ll always stay with me?

Be a part of me?

It's like the face inside is right beneath my skin

I burrow myself in the barely there blanket.

It sorta reminds me of my days in the motel.

Wishing, hoping, praying that things were different.

I know I've got a face in me

I dream.

About our son.

Makes me wonder how I know that. How I know that he’s a boy.

But I stopped questioning alien tendencies the minute he healed me.

Points out all my mistakes to me

I realize, that no matter how fucked up my life is, I can’t let that happen to my baby.

I’ve screwed up enough.

I shouldn’t take the innocent with me.

You've got a face on the inside too and

I feel warmth.

Warmth that tells me I’m already attached.

Your paranoia's probably worse

I can’t let them hurt my baby.

He’s the only one I have.

The only one that loves me unconditionally.

I don't know what set me off first but I know what I can't stand

I loved him once, and they robbed him of his innocence.

Stripped him till he was almost dead.

My son....

It can’t....


I won’t let that happen to him.

Everybody acts like the fact of the matter is

I tell my parents.

I tell Maria.

I tell Kyle.

But I neglect to tell his fellow podsters.

They think I’m crazy.

To want this.

To want my baby.

I can't add up to what you can but

But how can I not?

He’s my son.

Everybody has a face that they hold inside

My stomach churns.

I think I may know what he’s been feeling.

Maybe it’s a weird alien trait.

A face that awakes when I close my eyes

A strong sense of protection for your offspring.

But I know I feel it.

A face watches every time they lie

It’s flowing.

In my blood.

In my veins.

A face that laughs every time they fall

I can’t let them take him.

(And watches everything)

It isn’t an option.

So you know that when it's time to sink or swim

I know what it’s like to go and search for a part of yourself.

Knowing that most of your efforts are fruitless.

That the face inside is watching you too

I already have my son.

Right inside your skin

He’s inside me.


The face inside is right beneath your skin

However much I hate his father, I love him that much more.

The sun goes down

I pray.

To any God that will listen.

To keep my baby safe.

I feel the light betray me

I just hope my luck has finally changed.


Do you guys hate me yet? LOL. I know, I'm evil.

Anyways, I didn't want to say anything, but....oh, what the heck. Max POVs are very much in the picture. *wink* That's all I'm saying. LOL. (I'm a dork, I know.)

Kristin- I don't even know where to begin... Thank you for the kind words and compliments. *happy* (As you can tell I'm not very good with them.) I'm just a bumbling geek who writes for fun. LOL. But seriously, I'm touched to be complimented by a creative writing major. *happy*

posted on 31-Dec-2001 1:30:06 AM by jasper711
Part Of Me


Part of me won’t go away

I clutch my stomach as I feel another urge to lose my breakfast.

Everyday reminded how much I hate it

Who knew that a pregnancy could be so tough?

Let alone an alien one at that.

I chew my fingernails.

Pacing the confines of my cell.

Weighted against the consequences

I mull over the events that have unfolded since the news of my impending pregnancy broke out.

Maria told Michael.

And of course he took it upon himself to inform the Ice Queen herself.

They actually had the gall to try and convince me to have an abortion.

To terminate the life growing inside me like it was a disease.

Can’t live without it so it’s senseless

But what they don’t understand is, that it was never an option.

The thought never crossed my mind.

Wanna cut it out of my soul

As much as I wonder what kind of life my son will have, killing him before he’s even had a chance is something I would never do.


And just live with a gaping hole

I already feeling him growing inside me.

I can’t imagine what it would be like to not have him.

To not feel him.

Take control of my life

Everyone tells me that my baby will only slow down my progress to getting my life back.

I’ve only begun getting it back and now I’m eradicating everything I’ve worked so hard to accomplish.

At least that’s what they keep telling me.

And wash out all the burnt taste

I lean over the sink and squeeze half a tube of toothpaste in my mouth.

I hope it’ll get rid of the bile taste.

The taste that always lingers every time I think about my life.

I made the problems in the first place

I’m responsible for every single one of my actions.

I know that now.

Hang my head low ‘cause it’s part of me

Sitting in a cell all by yourself for days on end gives you endless free time.

Time to assess your life and what you’ve accomplished.

But in my case, it’s what I haven’t accomplished.

Ya hardly see right next to the heart of me

I grip the edges of the dingy metal.

Heard of me the routine scar

I feel a tremor wrack my body.

New cuts cover where the old ones are

Sweat rolling off my forehead like Niagara Falls.

And now I’m sick of this

My teeth chatter, and it’s all I can do to keep from passing out.

I can’t stand the sandpaper thoughts that grade away on my sanity

I’m going through another episode.

They’ve been getting worse.

I rather not even be then the man that’s staring in the mirror through me

But there's nothing I can do.

Cut myself free willingly

There's no one here to help me.

Stop just what’s killing me

There's only those that wish I would end this.

End my baby's life.

I feel it everyday

But it isn't going to happen.

They can threaten me with their alien superpowers.

I feel I made my way

But they don't phase me.

Because I've been on the brink of death.


And I know I'm stronger because of it.

I feel it swell up inside, swell up inside

My hand drifts to my belly.

I feel a flutter.

Swallowing me

I can't help but get choked up.

I can't help but feel more love for my son.

It can’t be frightening if you’ve never felt it

It's kind of scary.

How much I already feel for him.

How attached I already am to him.

Once it’s been dealt with you feel like you’ve been touched by something angelic

But regardless, it's the most euphoric feeling.

To know that you created a new life.

And then melted down into a pool of peace

A life that was created in the midst of a hellish existence.

Cease to be the animal you used to be

But it doesn't matter where or when he was conceived.

Remove the broken parts you know were wrong

Because I know that his father and I loved each other.

And feel the karma when the problem’s all gone

And even if his father is going to miss knowing him, he'll still have a parent that loves him.

And then you start to see another piece of yourself that you can’t let be

A parent that would make sure he wouldn't go through the same heartache as his mother did.

And that reason’ll last fight to free yourself

A parent that would make sure that he knew he was loved.

Take it to the depths of the bottom of the well

Regardless of what anyone says or does.

And now you know you can choose to lose the part in your heart

Because innocence only comes once in a person's life.

Where your insides bruise

Once it's stripped away, you can never get it back.

You can live if you’re willing to

I'm living proof of that.

Put a stop to just what’s killing you

And so is my baby's father.

Alive in me, inside of me, a part of me screams away silently

I sink to the ground.

This part of me won’t go away, part of me won’t go away

It feels like someone's ripping out my womb.

Everywhere I look around I see how everyone aught to be

I grit my teeth.

Trying to bear the pain.

Every time I see myself I see there’s always something wrong with me

But it's so blinding that I think I'm dying.

I crawl to the bars that have kept me locked up.

Hoping that someone sees me.

Hoping someone will help me.

I feel it swell up inside, swell up inside, swallowing me


I look up, not wanting to believe what I hear.

It's a fucking deja vu.

Max is standing outside my cell.


posted on 1-Jan-2002 12:28:00 AM by jasper711


Seeing him here makes me want to react.

To say something.

To do something.

But this baby inside me isn’t letting up.

It seems as if he wants to make his presence known to the world.

To his father.

From the top to the bottom

I look at him and he crouches down to my level.

His hand hovers where mine are clenched over the bars.

Trying to decide whether or not to touch me.

Apparently he’s made his decision because he stops no more than a quarter of an inch from my hand.

Close enough to be touching.

But far enough away that he’s not actually touching me.

Bottom to top I stop

It sort of reminds me how hesitant he was with me when we first started out.

It reminds me of his innocence.

Of my innocence.

I want to smile.

Smile because I remember that Max and I did have good times.

But I double over in pain.

A choked sob escaping my throat.

At the core I've forgotten

“Tell me what to do to help you.”

He doesn’t hesitate to touch me now.

And I feel tears in my eyes because it feels just like it used to.

Back when we believed that our love would see us through.

In the middle of my thoughts

I think about what choices I have.

I don’t know how I can save my son without letting on that he has otherworldly genes.

I made a vow to myself that I wouldn’t let happen to him what happened to me and his father.

Taken far from my safety

I squeeze back.

“Take us somewhere safe.”

I want to say more, but I have to hold in my scream.

It’s like I’m being ripped in two.

The picture is there

I vaguely remember being taken outside.

A blanket being wrapped securely around my body as we drive away.

I don’t even wonder how it’s possible that Max got me out.

He’s done it once before.

A second time shouldn’t be much harder.

The memory won't escape me

I squint my eyes against the bright light.

I look up and all I see are amber eyes.

Amber eyes that are filled with concern for me.

But why should I care

I see his lips moving.

It’s like he’s saying something, but I can’t hear a word.

Everything is going in slow motion.

There's a place so dark you can't see the end

My eyes feel so heavy.

My body feels so tired.

All I want to do is sleep.

(Skies cock back) and shock that which can't defend

My eyes flutter open when I feel a cool washcloth touch my hot skin.

Max is hovering over me.

Obviously worried that I would never wake up again.

“Do you want some ice chips?”

He’s walking backwards.

Ready to cater to my any need.

He looks so sincere.

He looks so much like Max.

The rain then sends dripping acidic questions

I shake my head.

Trying to sit up.

He rushes over to my side.

Ready to assist me.

But my raised eyebrow stops him dead in his tracks.

And all he does is stand in the corner.

Trying not to look me in the eyes for too long.

Forcefully, the power of suggestion

I am about to say something.

But the baby starts moving again.

“He’s coming.”

I don’t ask how he knows that.

I just nod.

Then with the eyes tightly shut looking thought the rust and rotten dust

My fingers curl into the sheets.

My teeth feeling ready to shatter as I try and shoulder the pain.

I never knew that it would hurt this much.

With tears in my eyes, I look to Max.

Any pride I had left, gone out the window as I beg.

“Please help me.”

A spot of light floods the floor

He kneels beside me.

“I’m going to have to touch you.”

My head jerks in approval.

At this point, I’ll agree to anything if it will lessen the pain and keep my son safe.

His large hand touches my belly.

His other hand twining into my hair as he looks deeply into my eyes.

“Just take deep breaths, and let your mind blank out.”

And pours over the rusted world of pretend

I think I’m ready to die.

But I don’t.

I just gasp.

A whirlwind of images and emotions pass through my mind.

Touching my heart in a way it hasn’t been touched in a long time.

It feels like a lifetime.

I see through him.

I see what he’s been through.

And I know.

I know about how he killed Tess.

About how his son is dead.

And how he wants to make things right by helping me.

Helping our son.

The eyes ease open and its dark again

Seeing flashes again is weird.

I never knew it would be like this.

I never knew that I would see his soul again.

In the memory you'll find me

He exhales loudly.

His skin looking pale as if the pain was somehow transferred to him.

“Did it work?”

I swallow.

Taking a breath.

I realize that I was right.

He took my pain away.

Eyes burning up

I shake him.

I’m angry that he would do that.

For me.

Because as much as I’m angry with him, I don’t like seeing him hurt.

It brings back memories of how we found him when Michael and the Sheriff rescued him from the white room.

It’s something I wished neither of us would ever have to go through again.

But my anger is short-lived.

The baby’s coming.

The darkness holding me tightly

He touches my cheek gently.

“You’re going to have to push.”

He pulls up the blanket covering my legs.

And he blushes.

“I have to-

He stumbles over his words.

Trying not to look at me down there.

I want to laugh.

But laughing at the person trying to help you isn’t very nice.

Until the sun rises up

I listen to his voice.

Moving all around

Letting it guide me as I try to expel our son from my body.

Screaming of the ups and downs

I’m glad that I can’t see what’s going on between my legs.

Because if it looks half as painful as it feels, then passing out would be my only option.

Pollution manifested in perpetual sound

Sensing my pain, Max’s hand reaches for mine.

He works on taking away my pain again.

The wheels go round and the sunset creeps past the

“You’re doing great.”

He smiles.

And I feel my heart skip a beat.

It’s been years since I’ve seen one of those.

“Just a few more.”

He rubs my aching belly, and surprisingly my pain dissipates.

And all I feel is warmth.


Street lamps, chain-link, and concrete

“Oh my God! Liz, he’s coming! His head....I can see his head!”

The look of excitement and love on his face is enough to do me in.

A little piece of paper with a picture drawn

I never thought that I would feel this way again.

Floats on down the street till the wind is gone

Determination sets in.

And I give it my all.

Pushing as hard as I can.

The memory now is like the picture was then

The sound of a baby crying fills my ears.

And it sounds just like music.

When the paper's crumpled up it can't be perfect again

My throat is parched, but I speak anyway.

Now you got me caught in the act


You bring the thought back

Cradling a squirming bundle in his arms, Max sits beside me.

He hands me our son and I can’t help but feel that this is right.

I look down.

And I smile at what I see.

I know that he will be different.

That he will be special.

I'm telling you that

I look at Max.

He’s smiling happy tears just like me.

“We have a son.”

I don’t know what comes over me, but I lean forward and touch my lips to his.

I see it right through you

And when I pull back, I feel my heart break in two.


posted on 2-Jan-2002 7:05:06 PM by jasper711

My December


This is my December

I’m slow to open my eyes.

Because I’ve come to a decision.

And it’s probably harder than deciding to leave Max in that shitty motel over a month ago.

This is my time of the year

I catch my quivering lip between my teeth.

Because I don’t want to cry anymore.

I’ve already done enough of that.

This is my December

Today is a new day.

Today is the birth of my son.

Today is the day I got Max back.

This is all so clear

I open my mouth to tell him what I’m thinking.

But he beats me to the punch.

And all I can do is listen to his raspy voice.

This is my December

“I know I’ve fucked up. And there isn’t anything I can do to fix that, or change what happened. But whatever you decide, I’ll fully support you. Even if it means that you don‘t ever want to see me again, I can live with that.”

He cups my cheek.

His eyes finally showing me the gateways to his soul.

And I know that I made the right decision.

This is my snow covered home

I realize that I will probably live the rest of my life as a fugitive.

Never going back home to Roswell.

Never being able to contact my family.

My friends.

This is my December

I did all of those things before.

And I paid a big price.

But I’m older now.

I’m wiser now.

I actually know what I’m getting myself in to.

This is me alone

I bring his palm to my lips.

And I kiss it just to feel his warmth.

And I

“We can’t go back, Max. Too much has happened for us to pretend that we didn’t almost kill each other.”

I wipe away the tears that are stubbornly escaping my eyes.

Just wish that

Seeing him nod his head as if he was expecting to hear these very words come out of my mouth slices through my heart.

I didn't feel

I don’t want to hurt him.

But there are some things that need to be said.

Like there was

Otherwise, everything we’ve been through would have been all for nothing.

Something I missed

And I would hate to think that.

And I

Because I didn’t choose to get my life back only to return to that vicious cycle.

Take back all

He tugs my chin up.

And he kisses me.

The things I said

A kiss that seems like goodbye.

To make you

“I love you Liz. And I love our son.”

He smiles despite the tears raining down his cheeks.

“I always will.”

Feel like that

He gets up.

And I

Like he’s leaving.

Just wish that

But this isn’t what I want.

I didn't feel

“Don’t go!”

Like there was

He clutches the door knob tightly.

Something I missed

It’s like he’s fighting with himself.

And I

I know what he’s going through.

Take back all the

Because I’m still connected to him.

Things I said to you

I can still feel his thoughts.

His emotions.

And I give it all away

“I want you to stay, Max.”

Just to have somewhere

His red-rimmed eyes look at me with confusion.

And I find myself explaining.

To go to

“I know I said that we couldn’t go back. And I still believe that.”

Give it all away

I swallow hard as I see how my words affect him.

To have someone

“I want you to be my friend, Max. I want you to be a father to your son.”

To come home to

I wait with baited breath to hear his response.

This is my December

Because I’m stringing on to the hope that this will be enough for him.

These are my snow covered dreams

Because it’s all I can offer.

This is me pretending

My heart is still too delicate.

This is all I need

And I’m not entirely sure that I can trust Max with it.


And I

I know that he loves me.

Just wish that

And Lord knows that I still love him too.

I didn't feel

Despite everything that’s happened, I think that Max and I will never forget what it was to love each other.

Like there was

But we’re not kids anymore.

Something I missed

We have a son of our own.

And I

And for once, our wants and needs will be put on the back burner.

Take back all

Because there’s a little boy who’s depending on us.

The things I said

An innocent baby that never asked to brought into this world.

To make you feel like that

To be brought into an alien way of living.

And I

I see the light in his eyes die down a little.

Just wish that

And I think that I was wishing for too much.

I didn't feel

How foolish am I to think that Max would agree to just be friends?

Like there was

“I’ll stay.”

Something I missed

He gives me a half smile.

And I

And I’m back to thinking that I was right.

Take back all the things

That I do have Max back.

I said to you

And I breath a sigh of relief.

And I give it all away

I never realized that we had been so cut off from each other.

Just to have

The two years we had together was a joke.

Somewhere to go to

It was all pretend.

Give it all away

I used to be able to say that I could tell what Max was thinking just by looking into his eyes.

To have someone

I’ve come to realize how hard a feat it is.

To come home to

I haven’t had the luxury of seeing into his soul for a long time.

It’s going to take a while to get used to doing that.


posted on 5-Jan-2002 1:03:28 AM by jasper711

In the End


I sit here.

And I watch as my own personal miracle falls asleep.

His long eyelashes flutter over his chubby cheeks.

His fists throwing phantom punches into the air.

Finally, his mouth opens in a tiny O shape before sleep is upon him.

It starts with one thing

I touch my finger to his smooth skin.

And I really do believe that he is a miracle.

Because that’s the only explanation.

I don't know why

He came into this world unexpectedly.

A world that was dark.



And he saved a part of my soul.

A part I thought would be dead forever.

It doesn't even matter how hard you try

I look at Max.

And I see the reflection of our son’s image in his features.

I wanted to forget.

To forget what he looked like.

What he felt like.

keep that in mind

But I realize now that I could never forget.

I designed this rhyme

For the amount of good times we had, we had triple the amount of bad times.

To explain in due time

But to forget the bad is denying a part of yourself.

Despite how terrible the bad parts of your life get, it‘s worth it in the end.

All I know

Every experience, every heartache, every moment leads to this.

It molds you into who you are.

Time is a valuable thing

And I’ve come to realize that I really don’t hate myself that much anymore.

Just the same way I’ve come to realize that Max will always have a place in my heart.

Even during the times when I’m angry at him.

Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings

I can never explain what it is between Max and me.

Watch it count down to the end of the day

It’s been so alien from the beginning, that trying to explain it now would be pointless.

The clock ticks life away

“You should get some rest.”

It's so unreal

I’m so immersed in my own thoughts that his words almost don’t register.

Didn't look out below

I smile weakly.

Because things finally feel like they’re changing.

Watch the time go right out the window

“You should too. I wasn’t the only one who went through labor.”

Trying to hold on, but didn't even know

He gives me that smile that used to make me weak in the knees.

“I will....I just.....I want to watch him for a little bit longer.”

His words sink in.

And I know why he doesn’t want to close his eyes.

Wasted it all just to watch you go

He’s afraid he’ll wake up to an empty hotel room.

With no son.

And no friend.

I kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart

My heart aches.

To think that it has come down to this.

That we can’t even read each other anymore.

Trust each other.

What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when

But so much has gone on for us to try and pretend.

Doing so will only bring us back to where we used to be.

And I know that’s a place neither of us ever want to be again.

I tried so hard

I pull the blanket up under my chin.

And I close my eyes.

And got so far

I’m taking the first step.

Because this is a new beginning for us.

And someone has to make the first move.

But in the end

I hear him breathe a sigh.

It doesn't even matter

And I feel myself breathing one too.

I had to fall

A lot of people would think I was making a mistake.

To lose it all

A mistake by asking Max to stay.

But in the end

But I honestly don’t think I am.

It doesn't even matter

I’ve spent the majority of my life catering to other people’s wants.

To other people’s needs.

One thing, I don't know why

It just became second nature to me.

And I neglected to worry about myself.

It doesn't even matter how hard you try

But I’ve learned a lesson.

keep that in mind

A difficult lesson that I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy.

I designed this rhyme, to remind myself how

But the sad thing is, I think that she did.

Tess died the hard way.

And so did her son.

I tried so hard

I pray to God that I won’t suffer the same fate.

In spite of the way you were mocking me

But I don’t think I will.

Acting like I was part of your property

I’ve seen my life flash before my eyes.

Remembering all the times you fought with me

I’ve lived both extremes.


And bad.

I'm surprised it got so (far)

But there needs to be a balance.

Things aren't the way they were before

And these days, I’m not too proud to ask for help.

You wouldn't even recognize me anymore

Because I’m not just thinking about myself anymore.

Not that you knew me back then

Someone else’s life is taking precedence over mine.

But it all comes back to me (in the end)

And surprisingly, it’s not Max’s.

You kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart

But our son’s.

What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I

I don’t know if Max and I will ever get back together again.

I've put my trust in you

But I do have a strong feeling that we’re both in this to make it work.

Pushed as far as I can go

To regain the friendship we lost along the way.

And for all this

Because if we can get that back, I know that we’ll have accomplished one great thing besides our son.

There's only one thing you should know

And I could definitely live with that.


I finally finished this one. Hope to have Max's POV up by this weekend.

Just wanted to say thanks to everyone for sticking around and giving me fb even though these two series were difficult to read. Thank you for trusting me to me enough to see it to the end.

Also, I wanted to apologize for not being able to respond. I know you guys have had some questions during the fic and I feel bad for not being able to answer. But I sometimes have a difficult time getting onto the board so I usually have to do a post and run. But I do read all of the fb. And sometimes, I choose to just not answer so I don't give anything away. LOL. I've been trying to keep tight-lipped about these two fics because I've been told I'm too predictable. LOL.

I may be a little late with these responses, but what the hey. LOL. My December and Part of Me are both LP songs. Although they are not on the Hybrid Theory album. Part of Me was from their early days when they were called Hybrid Theory and My December was recorded for the KROQ Xmas album. (Too much LP info. LOL.)

Also, I think it was Cookie(sp?) (I'm not sure, but I'm feeling a little lasy to dig up the BTS thread. LOL) asked if I think Max has changed. In all honesty, I think he's just seen the error of his ways. I don't think he changed drastically because his inner monologue still tends to have a little of the "poor me" attitude. I think he's always been aware of what he's doing to others, but he's just never had the strength to break through.

As for Liz, I don't think she caved easily. I think she's grown because she knows that she can't do it all alone and is asking for help in Max. I don't think they'll fall into the cycle again because they know what it was like. And they're being honest with each other again. (With the flashes.) They've let each other see into the other's soul and I think all of this is a step in the right direction.

Hope that answers your question. *happy* And if it doesn't feel free to leave me another note and I'll see if I can find a better way to explain my babbling self. LOL.

Same goes for everyone too. *happy*