posted on 20-Dec-2001 7:17:51 PM by jasper711
Title: Break the Cycle Series.
Author: Jasper711
Email: jasper7132⊕hotmail.com
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Category: Max POV/ Songfic
Rating: NC-17 (sexual content and language.)
Spoilers: All the way through Busted. Anything else is just coincidental.
Summary: This is a companion piece to the Hybrid Theory Series. It’s a series of Max POVs. Imagine that Liz agreed to go with Max when he offers to bust her out of jail.
Feedback: I’d appreciate it.
Author’s Note: Okay, you’re all probably thinking, “Another fic?” LOL. Sorry to start another one, but I’ve been toying with this one since I started the Hybrid Theory Series. I wanted to give you guys a glimpse of what’s going on in Max’s head, just as I have Liz’s. Note, all songs used in this series are by Staind. (I think I have a thing for bands with tortured lyrics, LOL!)

To read the Hybrid Theory Series, click on the link.
viewthread?forum=dreamer-fanfiction&id=37522


Safe Place

*******************

Another day

I rub my heavy eyes, trying to keep them from closing.

Inside my world

This is what my day consists of.

Rummaging through documents.

Papers.

Anything that might give me a clue.

A lead.

Anything.

I'm married to you and this road.

I sigh heavily.

I don’t think I’m cut out for this.

But I can’t not try.

Sleeping with Tess was the biggest mistake of my life.

That, I will admit to.

But I have a son.

A road that never lets me sleep.

A responsibility that I can’t turn my back on.

I’ve turned my back on the people I love so many times before.

So there’s no way to escape the demons I am forced to keep.

I have to do something right, don’t I?

And then I find you here

I feel her before I see her.

That’s how it always is with her.

Through your eyes

She looks tired.

Almost as if she’s aged ten years since we started all of this.

I watch as she picks up a cigarette.

I plead with her.

I hate that she’s adding onto the stress.

To the mess that I’ve created.

But it’s like she doesn’t care.

Not anymore.

Everything's clear

I wrap my arms around her.

Kissing her.

Loving her.

If only to get a reaction.

To get her to feel again.

And I'm home

I can’t help the moan that escapes my lips.

The hammering of my hips as I lose myself inside her.

This is where I want to be.

With her.

Forever.

Just the two of us.

Inside your arms,

I try and love her, but she’s put up a buffer.

I whisper words of love.

Of promises that it won’t always be this way.

But I'm alone for now.

I don’t even get a response.

Her eyes are closed, just like her heart.

I feel cold.

So impossibly alone.

How is that possible when I’m where I want to be?

The only place I feel remotely alive anymore.

A guttural moan falls from my mouth.

My body betraying my mind.

My heart.

I mean the best with what I say.

I cuddle her.

Trying to provide warmth.

Not so much in the literal sense.

I talk about our future.

About how we’ll be together.

Start a family.

Be together forever.

It doesn't always sound that way

But it’s like she doesn’t even hear.

That or she doesn’t want to.

I never learned to

Her breathing evens out, and I wonder if she’s really asleep.

Or if it’s just an excuse to have me stop touching her.

Work things out cause

I move from the bed, bringing the blanket to cover her nakedness so she won’t catch a chill.

I intend to leave, but I can’t.

Not without touching my lips to her skin.

In my family all we

I kiss her forehead tenderly.

Breathing in her scent before I go.

Ever seem to do is shout

I sit back down, looking at the scattered maps.

The miscellaneous documents.

My hands are trembling.

There’s nothing more than I want, than to throw this all away.

To go back to the way things were.

To when Liz didn’t even know I existed.

But then I find you here

Because then I could love her.

I could love her without getting her hurt.

Through your eyes, everything’s clear

I look at her sleeping.

So peaceful.

Funny how she only looks like that when I’m not touching her.

And I'm home inside your arms, but I'm alone for now.

I curl up on the chair, willing sleep to come.

And when I try to sleep- the drugs I take are killing me - I think of you to ease my pain - but you're so far-

I’d climb into the bed, but I don’t want to disturb her.

Now it's time to say goodbye.

I don’t want to wipe that look of serenity of her face.

I love you baby please don't cry - 'cause then I'll find you here -

But I can’t sleep.

How can I?

Through your eyes everything’s clear - and I'm home inside your arms - but I'm alone for now.

The one person in the world that I love above all else is here with me when she should be home.

Home with her family.

Her friends.

Not this.

But then I find you here

But I’m selfish.

Through your eyes, everything’s clear

I know I should leave.

Leave her alone.

But I can’t.

And I'm home inside your arms, but I'm alone for now.

She’s all I have.



END




woodwinds: just on the off chance that you read this one, I'm leaving you a little note. *happy* Thanks for asking about my trip. I love Mammoth *big* I actually want to live there for the winter. LOL. It's soooo beautiful there. And the snowboarding is great. Well, enough of my yapping. *wink*


[ edited 13time(s), last at 23-Sep-2002 12:45:10 AM ]
posted on 20-Dec-2001 10:58:55 PM by jasper711
Take It

****************

I pack our bags.

Gathering what little belongings we own, which in truth is nothing but clothing.

Mismatched articles that we share between us.

I feel like this won't go away

Another sleepless night has passed.

Not that it’s a surprise.

I don’t really sleep anymore.

no matter how hard I try

I look at Liz.

In sleep, her innocence returns.

With her eyes closed, you can’t see the pain.

You can’t see the anguish.

to squeeze my eyes shut

I press the heels of my palms to my eyes.

Rubbing away tears that are threatening to fall.

so I can't see the pain

My heart aches.

Not for myself, but for her.

in you this pain in me - in me

How the hell did I manage to fuck up my life and hers?

But everything that I can say to you

I open my eyes again, and I make a vow.

A promise that this will be the last time.

Won't help you - everything you need is right in front of you

I wake her up.

The sooner the better.

The sooner we end this vicious cycle.

The sooner we go back to being us.

Just take it

Her mussed head rouses from her sleep. She sits up, and my eyes are drawn to her beauty.

It makes me sick that my hormones go astray so quickly.

But I don’t know why I’m surprised.

That’s how we got into this mess in the first place.

Because I couldn’t keep it in my pants.

I know that I am really not here

I watch her.

I watch her eat the bagel that I left her.

I watch her drink the cold coffee, and I wish to be able to do my alien voodoo.

To make things magically appear with my hands to ease a little of our discomfort.

But I can’t.

I’ve fucked up enough.

There’s no need to compound to my knee-deep shit.

to represent what I am not clear

I kneel down in front of her.

She’s closed herself off again, and it’s breaking my heart into microscopic pieces all over again.

About in my head sometimes

Before I realize what I’m doing, the words tumble from my mouth, and I can’t control them.

“I’m sorry that things turned out this way. That we ended up here.”

I feel fucked up just like you do - like you do

She doesn’t meet my gaze.

And I don’t blame her.

But I need her.

I need her like I need air to breath.

I need her like I need water to drink.

But everything that I can say to you

She looks at me.

Finally.

My heart stops, and all I want to do is die on the spot.

That look in her eyes....

It’s more than I can take.

Won't help you - everything you need is right in front of you

“Do you want us to stop?” I say the words, hoping that she’ll say yes.

Just take it

“Just say the word and we will.”

I give her the option.

I give her the choice.

Because that’s all I can offer.

All I can give.

Try to make it through the daily pain

She shakes her head, and all I can do is let out the breath that I hadn’t realized I had been holding.

Why didn’t she say yes?

I know she wanted to.

I know I wanted her to.

That you feel - maybe tomorrow won't be so bad.

I feel a gnawing in my stomach.

My blood running cold.

It know it

I look in her eyes.

What I don’t see, tells me why she’s doing this.

'cause I once felt that way

It’s an obligation.

To see things through.

To see it to the end.

Nothing I could say

Liz is just seeing this through.

Probably to make sure that I don’t screw it up.

Made it go away

I didn’t think that my heart could hurt anymore, but there’s always a first time for everything.

What have I done?

I lived through this

My body trembles, and I reach out.

For her.

I still feel this

I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t not touch her.

I never could, and I never will.

I just live for my tomorrow

I hug her close, and pretend.

Make it go away

If only for a few more days.

Just make it go away

Because I’m not strong like her.

Without her, I’m nothing.

I proved that theory a few times already.

She'll make it go away

I close my eyes and squeeze tight.

This will probably be my last touch.





END


posted on 21-Dec-2001 1:03:27 PM by jasper711
Change

****************

I stay on the road, not wanting to stop.

Stopping means that I’d have to relinquish my closeness to Liz.

And I can’t afford that right now.

If ever you had said to me before

I look at her from the corner of my eye.

She’s sitting as far away from me as she can without actually being outside of the car.

My throat stings, and I so badly want to say something.

To hear her voice.

That I would live this life that I am

I know that she thinks I haven’t noticed.

But I have.

How could I not?

Living now I guess it's all so strange

Her voice is like the sound of birds chirping.

It’s like the sky opens up, letting the sun shine.

But it’s been cold all of the time.

It’s been so dark.

To feel the way I do inside but

I shift gears and my hand lingers.

It’s that whole need to touch her.

Even in just small way.

Have so much that I could feel some

Her knee jerks at my touch.

I want to recoil at that.

pride for in my life so why is it that

But I stay.

Because I’m a glutton for punishment.

I feel like this

I bite down on the pain.

I don’t want to let it surface.

Because doing that, is dragging her another notch down.

She’s put up with enough of my shit.

I’ll continue playing.

Playing this game until it ends.

Because I know this is the last I’ll have of her.

How do I feel? I've been here before.

I pull up to another motel.

It’s a metaphor for my stinkin’ life.

I've felt this.

I take her into the room, placing my hand on the small of her back.

A gesture that to this day is something I am unable to stop doing.

Retreat to a place, a place within.

I tell her that I’m getting some food.

To give her some time alone.

To allow me to get her some real food.

To give nourishment to her frail form.

I kiss her.

I hug her.

Fearing that this will be the last time that I will be able to do it.

I need this. Keep it all down, bottled inside

I linger at the door, wondering if I should leave.

I’m scared that I’ll come back to an empty room.

A life without Liz.

It breaks me to torment again and

And then I look at her.

And I see what I’ve done.

What I’ve reduced her to.

torture me like it used to.

She strips, and I see the gauntness of her features.

I’ve practically killed her.

I try and try to break away from all the hate

A cry comes from my throat.

I can’t help it.

I'm feeling for every one of you that's ever

She looks in my eye and I see her determination.

I see a flicker of who she once was.

done me wrong. I need to justify the reasons

And then I look at her body and I see what I’ve done.

for the way I'm living. I guess I can't 'cause

I sink to the floor.

I don't feel like I deserve it

Letting the tears fall.

How do I feel? I've been here before.

I choke on my sobs.

I've felt this.

And I hate myself even more.

Retreat to a place, a place within.

How fucked up am I that I just sit here and cry, when I know I’ve ruined the one pure thing in my life?

I need this. Keep it all down, bottled inside

I’ve taken her love.

I’ve taken her innocence.

I’ve taken her freedom.

It breaks me to torment again and

And still, I don’t stop.

torture me like it used to.

I keep taking.

So now the waves they have subsided

Because I’m a coward.

I’m a good for nothing piece of royalty shit.

And my soul is bleeding I can't take away

I rock back and forth.

the shame I feel. Forgive me.

Saying apologies that she never hears.


How do I feel? I've been here before.

And then I feel the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.

The hairs on my arms following the same stance.

I've felt this.

I stand before I hear it.

Retreat to a place, a place within me.

And my heart shatters again.

I need this. Keep it all down, bottled inside

The blood in my veins run cold.

The sweat pouring off of me when I hear her scream.

It breaks me to torment again and

I break through the door.

torture me like it used to.

And my heart stops.

It stops just like it did the day she was shot.

AGAIN!

And my vision is blurred.

With red.

Her blood.

Everywhere.





END



posted on 21-Dec-2001 10:31:34 PM by jasper711
Pressure

******************

For a split second, I find myself unable to move.

Seeing all of the blood, Liz’s blood brings back memories.

Memories of seeing her lying on the dirty Crashdown floor on the brink of death.

Memories of Pierce threatening to take her life if I didn’t disclose the whereabouts of the stupid orbs.

I just need this to be alright

I grab her arms, not caring that her blood covers my hands.

That it seeps into my shirt, probably leaving a stain.

I can't feel this another night

I have every intention of healing her.

To take away the physical pain.

To take away the scars.

I can't take this I come unglued

But she just pushes me away.

Slapping away my hands as if she loathes it.

Like she’d rather die from bleeding to death than have my hands on her.

I might breakdown in front of you

I beg.

I plead.

Anything to get her to let me help.

Seeing her hurt is like a knife in my heart.

Twisting.

Turning.

Repeating the process all over again.

My knees feel weak.

My hands a mass of jangled nerves.

Necessary to medicate

But she just continues to slip away from me.

Sinking to the ground with an eardrum shattering scream coming from her lips.

I'm not sleeping, can't stay awake

I stagger back as if she’s hit me physically.

Can't see through this

She shuts her eyes tight.

No doubt wishing I would disappear.

Too much pressure

But I’m rooted to the spot.

Drowning in this

Regardless of what’s happened, I still don’t have it in me to leave.

Too much pressure

Her eyes open and it’s like being slapped in the face with a heavy hand.

If you need me I'll be here

The truth hurts.

Half unconscious to escape my fear

I’ve known that.

I can't take this I come unglued

I’ve known the truth for so long now.

I might breakdown in front of you

I just didn’t want to face it.

Necessary to medicate

But now I have to.

I'm not sleeping, can't stay awake

How can you ignore if it’s staring you in the face?

My head hurts this shit isn't getting me high

Forcing you to wake from your self-induced stupor.

My chest is so tight, am I going to die

I’ve always been able to see what Liz is thinking, feeling, just by looking into her eyes.

Sometimes I wish I didn’t.

My stomach's in knots and the room starts to spin

Because then I could turn a blind eye and make believe.

As I wait for this valium to slowly kick in

Looking into her expressive eyes, I know that this is the beginning of the end.




END



posted on 22-Dec-2001 5:15:12 PM by jasper711
Fade

**************

I try to breathe

My lungs are heavy.

The air finding a hard time breathing life into me.

I look into her eyes and it’s like she’s seeing right through my soul.

Seeing the real me, instead of the dead weight she’s been with for the past two years.

Memories overtaking me

In those glorious few seconds, my heart feels enlightened.

Almost like I can breathe a sigh of relief.

Because she remembers.

Because she hasn’t forgotten who I was back then.

I try to face them but

But any relief I have is short-lived.

As it should be.

I don’t deserve to feel good.

Not in the least.

Not when I’ve ruined everything that ever meant anything to me.

Hurting the one person that loved me unconditionally.

The one person who loved me despite my faults.

The thought is too

I swallow thickly.

I know this is the end.

Much to conceive

The day that she ran from the pod chamber when we found out about my godforsaken destiny, was a day I thought would never be equaled in pain.

But I was wrong.

I guess I was capable of doing so much more harm.

So much more damage.

I only know that I can change

I think it’s a rare alien quality that we all possess.

Michael constantly hurts Maria.

Isabel played Alex until it was too late.

And I manage to fuck up everything.

Over and over again.

Everything else just stays the same

It’s probably in my blood.

Coded in my genes.

So now I step out of the darkness

But even as I look for an excuse, I know I have none.

I’m responsible.

For every action.

For everything that’s happened to this point.

That my life became 'cause

I’m the reason why Liz isn’t who she is anymore.

I just needed someone to talk to

And for that, I will forever be regretful.

I could have done something.

Anything just so that she would be alright.

You were just too busy with yourself

But my selfishness did me in.

It’s always been about me.

How the world affects poor little Max Evans.

You were never there for me to

I forgot that my basis of existence was withering away right in front of my eyes and I did nothing to stop it.

I let it happen.

Express how I felt

I speak to her.

With my eyes.

Something that almost seems foreign to me.

It’s been so long since I’ve worn my heart on my shoulder.

I just stuffed it down

I’ve been suppressing my emotions.

In hopes that it wouldn’t drag her down.

But I should’ve known that it wouldn’t work.

Despite everything, she still loves me.

I don’t know why.

But she does.

Now I'm older and I feel like

And I understand why it’s come to this.

I do.

I could let some of this anger fade

I’m compelled to fall to my knees and beg her to stay.

But it seems the surface

But I don’t.

I am scratching

She’s finally broken through.

Why should I hold her back?

Is the bed that I have made

I’ve made this mess and it’s only fitting that I fix it.

So where were you

Alone.

When all this I was going through

Because despite how I’ve treated her, I do love her.

I always have.

And I always will.

You never took the time to ask me

And if this is the only way I can show I love her, by letting her go, than I’m going to do it.

I’ve done her more harm than good.

I think it’s time she started living again.

Just what you could do

To finally live to her full potential.

Without me.




END


posted on 25-Dec-2001 12:46:41 AM by jasper711
Outside

******************

And you

I watch her walk away from me.

Again.

Bring me to my knees again

And I can’t help but cry.

I can’t help but feel my heart shatter into a million pieces.

Worse than it did when I walked away from her.

Worse than it did when she walked away from me that first time.

All the times

Because all of those times, I still had hope.

Now, I have none.

That I could beg you please

I feel my feet moving.

And I realize I’m following her.

Probably with the intent to beg her to stay.

All the times

But I catch myself.

I have no right to play guilt trips on her anymore.

Not that I really did in the first place anyway.

That I felt insecure, for you

She’s given me herself.

She’s given me her life.

All I’ve given her is a string of broken hearts.

Broken hearts that I would have probably continued to dish out if she stayed.

And I leave

She’s doing the right thing.

For her.

And that’s all that matters.

I turn around and grab my things.

My burdens at the door

I don’t want to take the chance that she’ll turn back my way.

Because if she does, I know I don’t have the strength to send her away.

But I'm on the outside

I’ve always been scared of being alone.

But it’s time I really stepped up and became a man.

To take responsibilities for my actions without dragging her down with me.

I'm lookin in

I take one last glance at her.

Getting one last look before I go.

I can see through you

I can’t believe I’ve done this to her.

I’ve ruined her and I don’t even have the balls to fix her.

See your true colors

But fixing her isn’t up to me.

Cuz inside you're ugly

I think we’ve come to the conclusion that she needs to do it by herself.

Without me.

You're ugly like me

Unfortunately, I don’t know who’ll fix me.

Because Lord knows I’m nothing without her.

I can see through you

I swerve onto the road, barely able to stick to my own lane.

I actually wish that I’ll get side swiped.

See to the real you

But having that happen requires me to ruin yet another life.

All the times

Something I should be immune to.

But inside me, buried deep.

I still have a hint of humanity.

That I felt like this wont end, its for you

It doesn’t matter though.

Because it wasn’t enough to make me right my wrongs.

And I taste

I’ve come to accept that I’m an inevitable screw up.

That everything I come to contact with ends up tainted.

What I could never have, it was from you

Liz was the epitome of perfection.

But when I touched her with my glowing hands, her life went on a downward spiral.

All the times

And the sick thing is, if I had the chance to do everything over, I still would have healed her that day.

I still would’ve risked my existence for her.

That I've cried

Because I could never live my life without her.

My intentions, full of pride

I was self-serving in my previous life.

And I still am in this one.

But I waste, more time than anyone

The only thing that made me remotely human was Liz.

All the times

But she’s gone.

That I've cried

For good.

All this wasting

And I should be happy.

It's all inside

Because she’ll get back some semblance of normal.

And I feel

Something she never had with me.

All this pain

Something she deserves.

I stuffed it down

I pull up to my destination.

Another roach infested motel.

It's back again

But I don’t sleep.

And I lie

I don’t think I ever will again.

Here in bed

Resting isn’t an option until I finally put this to rest.

To figure out if my son is really in danger and save him.

All alone

So I can finally close this chapter in my life.

I cant mend

And end my misery.

But I feel

Because if I do this, maybe I'll have a chance.

Tomorrow will be ok

Not with Liz.

But a chance to move on and forget about all of this alien crap.

And maybe then I can pretend to be human again.

The only time I ever felt quasi normal.





END

I haven’t forgotten about the Hybrid Theory Series. I’m just trying to catch this one up.


[ edited 2 time(s), last at 25-Dec-2001 1:21:38 AM ]
posted on 25-Dec-2001 9:17:57 PM by jasper711
Author's Note: This is happening as Liz is finding out she is pregnant in jail. Just telling you that to give you guys a little clue as you read this.


Open Your Eyes

*********************

As I walk along these streets

I walk alone.

I don’t really know what I’m looking for.

All I know is that I have to keep moving.

I see a man that walks alone

My efforts have been fruitless thus far.

But I know if I stick to this, something will come out of it.

Or at least I’m hoping and praying really bad.

Distant echo of people's feet

I’ve been throwing up lately.

But I haven’t been eating.

I always thought that we couldn’t get sick.

Maybe I’m finally dying.

But that’s to good to be true.

I’m never blessed with such luck.

He has no place to call his own

I try not to look anyone in the eye.

Trying to mind my own business.

A shot rings out from a roof overhead

But I’m drawn to a rundown building.

It’s like something’s waking up inside me.

Something alien.

A crackhead asks for change nearby

I shiver.

But my body feels hot.

An old man lies in an alleyway dead

And then my heart stops.

And I see her.

I see Tess.

A little girl lost just stands there and cries

She disappears into the building so quickly that I have to wonder if I conjured her up in my mind.

Wishing for something to be there that isn’t.

Maybe I have lost my mind.

What would you do, if it was you

But I follow her.

Just to ease my mind.

To convince myself that she isn’t real.

Would you take everything

I feel light headed.

I feel weak.

But I go on.

For granted like you do

Because this is what I’ve been waiting for.

What I’ve been praying for.

I didn’t let Liz leave just so I could turn into the ultimate pussy when the moment was upon me.

A boy just 13 on the corner for sale

I finally catch up to her.

I touch her shoulder and find the sudden urge to recoil.

I get flashes.

Flashes I don’t want to see, but have to.

Swallows his pride for another hit

I sink to the ground with an overbearing pain.

A pain so searing that I’m almost blinded.

Overpopulation there's no room in jail

I look at her, with tears in my eyes and ask.

“Why?”

But most of you don't give a shit

She gives me a sinister smile and shrugs her shoulders like it’s no big deal.

It your daughters are porno stars

“The Granolith is a piece of shit. Your son and I crash landed.”

She points her head towards one of the rooms inside.

And your sons sell death to kids

“He was born in there.”

And then she just smiles.

“He was dead the minute I held him in my arms. He died the first time he took his first breath.”

You're so lost in your little worlds

I watch as she so callously tells me the story.

Almost like she’s lost her mind.

I had seen it all in my flash.

I feel sick.

But I can’t deny what I’ve seen.

I can’t deny what I’ve heard.

Your little worlds you'll never fix

My son’s dead.

He has been for a long time.

I’ve wasted all this time.

I’ve ruined so many lives.

You turn away

And for what?

I was so hung up on fixing things, of being responsible, that I didn’t listen to my heart.

If I did, I would’ve known that the flash I received when I was skinning dipping wasn’t just the birth of my son.

It was also his death.

As I walk along the streets

I’ve forgotten what it was to be human.

I embraced my alien side and this is what it has gotten me.

Soaking up the acid rain

I look into her steely blue eyes.

For the last time.

Underneath the taxi cabs

I raise my palm in her direction.

I hear the streets cry out in vain

I think it’s time I finally used some of my alien voodoo.





END



Okay, I don't know if you guys understood my little clue, so I'll just explain it. Max is experiencing the same symptoms as Liz. That's all I'm saying for now. *happy*

Also, I'm running with the idea of the one month pregnancy with Tess. It's a completely ridiculous notion, but I'm trying to stay consistent, even if those bonehead writers can't.

As for Liz's pregnancy, y'all have to wait for how that one pans out. I've got two more parts to write to this series before I get out a new part to Liz's POV.


posted on 26-Dec-2001 4:26:44 PM by jasper711

WARNING: This part is a tad bit morbid.



Can't Believe

********************

Respect, respect what is found

Two years of searching.

Two years of slowly killing Liz.

Respect should abound

I feel the hum underneath my fingertips.

The glow from my hands growing brighter.

Respect everything that you leave

I should be worried that someone might see me.

I should be worried that I am taking someone else’s life.

I can't believe

But I don’t give a shit.

This was something I should have done a long time ago.

Something I should have been man enough to do.

Can't believe

I guess I should feel remorse.

Even grieve at the thought of my son’s death.

My first born.

And I, I can't believe

But all I feel is relief.

That this is over.

That I don’t have a son that was born out of a mistake.

I can't believe all the travesty

Because I think I’ve come to realize that my son was doomed from the start.

Not even my selfish search would’ve saved him.

And certainly not my half-assed attempts.

Surrounding me, I, I want to flee

I muster up all of my energy.

Making sure that it flows out of my hand and straight at her.

I want to flee from everything

To think I gave everything up for this.

In front of me I

I watch as she crumples to the ground.

Can't believe

Surprisingly, I don’t feel anything.

I don’t even feel guilty.

Never again, trusted in you

What makes this worse is that I trusted her.

I trusted her over Liz.

Fuck everything that you think I should be

Blood pools at her mouth and I feel myself conjure up just a little more energy.

To finally wipe her off the face of this earth.

I stand, never again, never again

I dust my hands over my jeans.

I look at the burnt spot where she once lay.

I didn’t even know it was possible to obliterate someone into nothingness.

Can't believe

I walk away.

And never look back.





END



AvengingAngelIQ - I kinda just wanted to respond to what you said. As for redeeming Max, I don’t know how that is possible. Unless this was all a mindwarp, which it isn’t, all I can offer is a Max that is slowly realizing his faults and trying to make amends. And as for Max being wrong letting Liz go, I don’t think he is. I think that’s a step in the right direction for him. He’s been so selfish that he’s been stringing her along, that by letting her go, he’s finally breaking through a little of his own hell. (Make any sense at all?)





posted on 28-Dec-2001 4:08:00 PM by jasper711

For You

******************

I stumble out of my car and stagger into a shithole of a gas station restroom.

I upchuck another good dose of nothing and I feel faint.

I lean heavily over the dirty basin, my hands shaking as I reach for the cold water.

To my mother, to my father

I splash the water on my face.

And I stare at my reflection.

I don’t even know who it is staring back at me.

It's your son or it's your daughter

Do I look like my Queen mother from Antar?

Do I look like my former self, Zan?

Or do I take on the appearance of my human donor?

Are my screams loud enough for you to hear me?

Whoever it is, I have no one to lay blame to, but myself.

My mirror image.

Should I turn this up for you

I take another glance and my image shimmies into another.

I sit here locked inside my head

Of a dark haired little boy with amber eyes.

My eyes.

And a smile he no doubt got from his mother.

Liz.

Remembering everything you’ve said

I tremble.

I shake.

This silence gets us nowhere!

That image can’t be real.

It just can’t.

Gets us nowhere way too fast

The image reaches out a chubby fist.

And I’m compelled to touch him.

The silence is what kills me

And when I do, I feel things.

Things that tell me that this is real.

That he is real.

I need someone here to help me

I sink to the ground and choke on my own sobs.

But you don’t know how to listen

Just when she finally gets the courage to leave my sorry ass, I end up ruining it.

Just like I always do.

And let me make my decisions

Just by loving her, I’ve managed to fuck up her life once again.

I’ve managed to hurt her once again.

Cuz I sit here locked inside my head

I always manage to leave my mark.

Whether it’s silver hand prints.

Or glowing hickeys.

Now I’ve given her a son.

Remembering everything you've said

I just can never leave well enough alone.

This silence gets us nowhere

I pull myself up.

Gets us nowhere way too fast

I have a mission.

How ironic is it that I just finished my search for my first born, and now I have to go in search for my second son?

All your insults and your curses

But it won’t be like last time.

Make me feel like I’m not a person

Because this time, it isn’t about me.

And I feel like I am nothing

It’s about Liz.

But you made me so do something

I have to make sure that she’s okay.

That our son is okay.

Cuz I’m fucked up because you are

After that, I’ll disappear.

The way I know she wants me to.

Need attention, attention you couldn’t give

Because all I ever wanted was to love her.

And to have her love me back.

I sit here locked inside my head

But that was never enough for the king.

Nothing is ever enough.

Remembering everything you’ve said

I took until there was nothing.

And even then I still continued to take.

This silence gets us nowhere

I jump in my car and put the key in the ignition.

Gets us nowhere way too fast

I step on the gas, hoping that I’m not too late.

I sit here locked inside my head

But knowing me, I probably am.

I’ve always been a dollar short.

Too little, too late.

Remembering everything you've said

It’s the story of my life.

This silence gets us nowhere

But then an image of our son appears in my mind, and I find myself gunning the engine.

Gets us nowhere way too fast

If I can do one thing right in my life, it might just be this.

To help Liz with her pregnancy.

And let her and my son live a wonderful life without me.




END






Phew....finally got this one all caught up to the HTS. If I get home early enough from work, I might be able to post a new part to the HTS before I go to Vegas for my sister's b'day. If I don't hope y'all have a great weekend. *happy*


posted on 31-Dec-2001 1:26:40 PM by jasper711


Waste

****************

I swerve into a parking spot.

Shaking as I push through the familiar double doors that used to signify home for me.

Your mother came up to me

Mrs. Parker looks as white as a ghost.

Her once beautiful hands looking old and worn as she drops the plate in her hands.

She wanted answers only she should know

She runs up to me.

The emotions on her face torn.

She bites her lip in indecision.

Much the same way Liz does when faced with a dilemma.

Only she should know

She shakes me.

Hard.

It wasn't easy to deal

She tells me that I should leave.

That I have no business being here after what I did.


With the tears that rolled down her face

She lets me go.

Then she stares at me long and hard before her hand comes across my jaw like a whip.

I have no answers cuz

I barely feel the pain because she looks at me funny.

I didn't even know you

She just stares before leaning over, whispering cryptically in my ear.

“Go. They need you. If he finds you here, you won’t get out of here alive.”

But these words

I shake my head.

I grab her.

Begging.

Pleading.

They can't replace

I know inside my heart she’s talking about Liz and my son.

The life you

Her words coupled by the physical pain that I’ve been feeling only heightens my fear.

The life you waste

That I’m too late to help them.

How could you paint this picture? Was life as bad as it should seem that there were no more options for you?

She pushes me out of the cafe with all of her strength.

I cant explain how I feel

They say that a mother can garner the strength of twenty men and lift a bus if it were her child lying under it.

I guess I’m witness to something similar as Nancy Parker propels me through the double doors.

I’ve been there many times before

I sit in my car.

Banging my fist against the steering wheel.

I’ve tasted the cold steel of my life crashing down before me

I’m so close.

So close to finding Liz and our son.

Yet I’m as far away as I can be.

Did daddy not love you

My head lolls back as another gut wrenching pain sears through my stomach.

Or did he love you just too much

This is so much worse than when I was in the white room.

Did he control you

Because then I knew it was just me going through all of the pain.

Did he live through you at your cost

But now, the ones I love most are going through it with me.

Did he leave no questions for you to answer on your own?

If there was a way to transfer the pain all to me, then I would do it.

I just have to find them first.

Well fuck them

I start the engine, needing to be on the move.

I can’t be dormant, knowing that she is probably feeling the brunt of the pain.

And fuck her

I wipe away angry tears.

Wishing that I had stayed longer to find out Liz’s whereabouts from Mrs. Parker.

And fuck him

If her father had beaten me to a bloody pulp, it would’ve been okay.

Because I deserve to be dead.

And fuck you

But I can’t think about that now because I have to help Liz.

For not having the strength in your heart to pull through

I think about Liz.

I think about what her mother told me.

I've had doubts

And then it hits me.

There’s only one place Liz would’ve gone.

Only one.

I have failed

I haul ass to Salinas.

Because I know she’s there.

Doing the right thing, the only way Liz Parker does.

I've fucked up

I’ve broken every traffic violation as I make it to the Salinas Women’s Correctional Facility.

I've had plans

I’m here.

And I’m here to make things right.

For Liz.

And for our son.

Doesn't mean I should take my life with my own hands

My heart breaks as I stop outside of her cell.

She looks like she’s ready to die.

I grip the steel bars and whisper.

“Liz.”



END







Happy New Year Everyone! *happy*

posted on 1-Jan-2002 7:09:31 PM by jasper711

Suffer

******************

Seeing Liz again does all sorts of things to me.

I want to touch her.

To feel her.

To apologize for ruining her life and possibly that of our unborn son’s.

But that will all have to wait because she doesn’t look too well.

The more you see the more you do

In fact, she looks like the pain is eating her alive.

I crouch down in front of her.

Wanting so much to touch her tiny fingers.

To feel their warmth.

But I don’t.

Because I don’t want to turn her away.

The televisions feeding you

Her eyes take on a light.

A light that reminds me of days where she would all but speak to me with her beautiful expressive eyes.

I want to smile.

But her tiny body tremors with pain.

I know, because I feel it too.

Seeing her hurt is something that eats me up inside.

And this time, I can’t keep from touching her.

With what you wanna hear

“Tell me what to do to help you.”

I watch the indecision cross her face.

The worry crease her brow.

I know that this is a tough decision for her.

But I will be here for her.

Whatever it is she decides.

Anger and fear

Her fingers curl over mine.

Her voice soft as she whispers.

“Take us somewhere safe.”

Her words clinch it for me.

And I know that I am going to do whatever is necessary to keep them from harm’s way.

Because that’s what you do when you love someone.

Because you suffer..

I bypass security with ease.

I’ve been on the run for a long time.

Breaking a few more laws along the way isn’t going to deter me from keeping my family safe.

The hate you feel you won't go away

I take the time to make sure that Liz is secure.

That she’s covered in the blanket.

Her eyes are drooping closed.

And I can’t help but let a few words slip out of my mouth.

Because I figure she can’t hear me anyway.

“I love you, Liz.”

Your all programmed to feel this way

I stop at a hotel.

Not a motel.

I don’t want her memories of child birth to be about where I kept her prisoner for two years.

To live another day

I touch a wet washcloth over her face.

My lips kissing her forehead tenderly because I can’t resist.

Her doe eyes flutter open.

And I feel relief flood through me.

“Do you want some ice chips?”

Sure, it’s not one of my best conversation openers.

But I’m here to make her as comfortable as possible.

I see her sit up.

And I find myself rushing to help her.

But her raised eyebrow puts me in my place.

And I remember that this is about taking care of her.

Not about me trying to soak up as much of Liz and my son before she sends me away.

Within a world

For a split second.

I feel a tiny flutter in my stomach.

And I know that our son is almost here.

“He’s coming.”

The slight nod of her head makes me wonder why she doesn’t question how I know that.

But any other thought from my mind is fleeting as I feel my heart being torn out when she looks to me pleadingly.

“Please help me.”

That longs to suffer..

I swallow my emotions.

Because I need to be there for her.

I need to make a connection.

But I have to ask for her permission.

Because I would never willingly go into her head without her say so.

“I’m going to have to touch you.”

Her head jerks painfully.

And I just move closer.

One hand resting on her belly where our baby lies.

And the other sifting through her chocolate locks.

“Just take deep breaths, and let your mind blank out.”

The look of complete and utter trust in her eyes tears through my gut.

And I know that screwing this up isn’t an option.

And then I come to find

Her gasp sends tingles down my spine.

And I know she’s seeing inside me.

All the way through to my soul.

Because that’s how it’s always been.

I don’t want her to see all of the terrible things that I’ve done.

Or to see that I’m every bit the failure that I’ve always been.

But I can’t hide anything from her.

And deep inside, I don’t really want to.

Because I want her to see me.

To see my faults.

And know that I’ve learned from them.

Everything's ok

I break the connection when I feel that I’ve taken all of the pain away.

But I have to ask anyway.

“Did it work?”

I feel my insides swimming.

Churning.

Turning.

It’s so painful that I can’t believe that Liz was shouldering all of this by herself.

Before more pain can register, she shakes me.

Like she’s angry that I would ease her pain.

It’s like she doesn’t want to see me hurting.

Seen this all before

But I don’t look too much into it.

Because I’d be setting myself up for a bigger heart break.

Because she’s probably just mad at me for taking away her pain with my stupid alien powers.

But that was yesterday

She stops shaking me.

And realization sets in for both us.

Our son is on his way.

Try to walk right through

I bring my knuckles to her cheek.

Grazing the smoothness of her skin.

“You’re going to have to push.”

The messes that I've made

My hands reach for the blanket covering her legs.

And I find my hands shaking.

“I have to-

I feel heat flood my cheeks.

Because I don’t want to make her uncomfortable.

And having me gawking at her certainly isn’t the most preferable scenario.

Just let me enjoy

My hand rests on her knee.

And I try to coach her.

The life here that I have

I don’t know much about pregnancy.

But there’s a little voice inside my head.

And it tells me what to do.

Tried to give this all to you

I feel Liz going through another bout of pain.

And I hold her hand to channel the pain to me.

Can't take anymore to deal

I offer her an encouragement.

Because it’s the best I can offer.

With this it hurts inside I know

“You’re doing great.”

Why I hide

And I smile.

Because I’m so proud of her.

Cause I suffer

I rub her aching belly.

I offer a reassurance.

“Just a few more.”

I tried to keep it all inside

I concentrate on sending warmth.

And love to our son.

So he knows that he’s coming into this world with people that love him above all else.

Never leave me too much pride

My heart beats triple time when I see our son’s head poke out.

And I can’t help my excited exclamation.

“Oh my God! Liz, he’s coming! His head....I can see his head!”

I forced it all down inside

I feel my heart burst with love.

With love for Liz.

With love for this baby.

Forced myself

I know that emotion was missing with Tess.

And our child.

It was always something that was lacking.

To make me suffer

Something changes in Liz.

And she’s pushing even harder to make this happen.

And then I come to find

And then I find myself holding the most beautiful creature in any world.

Everything’s ok

His loud cries only serve to bring more tears to my eyes.

Seen this all before

Because this might be the only time I’ll be able to hold him like this.

But that was yesterday

I kiss the top of his head.

Try to walk right through

And I realize that I wouldn’t take anything back.

The messes that I've made

Because I would rather have these few moments with Liz and my son, than nothing at all.

So I can enjoy

“Max....”

The life here that I have

I look up to see Liz.

And then I come to find

And then I move to sit next to her.

And then I come to find

And I place our squirming bundle in her arms.

Everything’s ok

The look of awe and love on her face hits me deep.

Seen this all before

She looks so beautiful.

So serene.

But that was yesterday

“We have a son.”

I smile at her admission, but am I startled when she leans towards me.

Try to walk right through

It’s been forever since we’ve kissed each other spontaneously.

Because we just had to.

Not because of some ulterior motive.

The messes that I've made

I don’t want to let go.

So I can enjoy

Because when I do, I’ll have to leave.

The life here that I have

But how can I when my life is here?

When my family is here?







END


posted on 2-Jan-2002 8:51:39 PM by jasper711
It's Been Awhile

**********************

And it's been awhile since I could

I try not to hang on when she pulls away.

But it’s so easy to lose myself in her.

To want to forget all of the things that happened.

Hold my head up high

But I’m past that.

I’m past pretending that the whole world revolves around me.

Because I learned the hard way, that it doesn’t.

And it's been awhile since I first saw you

I’m almost scared to open my eyes.

To see the reaction on her beautiful face.

And it's been awhile since I couldn’t stand

Because whatever happens from here on out, I know that it won’t be as it was.

On my own two feet again

We can never get back what we had in the fall of our sophomore year.

And it's been awhile since I could call you

I wish we could.

But we live in the real world.

And miracles like that just don’t happen.

And everything I can remember

I finally open my eyes.

And I see the most beautiful sight in the world.

I see Liz.

I see our son cradled in her arms.

And it’s the most picture perfect moment of my existence.

As fucked up as it all may seem

I take a mental snapshot.

To save in my heart for cold and lonely nights.

Many I’m sure to encounter.

The consequences that are rendered

I try to find my voice.

To tell her that it’s all up to her.

That whatever she wants, I am willing to comply.

I stretch myself beyond my means

“I know I’ve fucked up. And there isn’t anything I can do to fix that, or change what happened. But whatever you decide, I’ll fully support you. Even if it means that you don‘t ever want to see me again, I can live with that.”

I bring my heavy hand to her cheek.

Because I have to get one last touch.

And it's been awhile since I couldn't say

It’s pathetic that this is all I can offer.

That I wasn't addicted and

I’m a goddamn King of another planet.

A hell of a lot of good that did me.

And it's been awhile since I couldn't say I

I just hope that Liz does what’s right for her.

What’s right for our son.

Love myself as well, and

I don’t want her to be swayed by anything I say or do.

Because while I may have good intentions, I know as well as anybody that good intentions are just that.

They don’t guarantee that you won’t hurt the ones you love.

And it's been awhile since I've gone and fucked things up

And I really don’t want to fuck up my son’s life.

And Liz’s.

Again.

Just like I always do

Her voice is shaky when she finally speaks.

And I have a feeling that I already know what she’s going to say without her saying it.

Because her eyes always spoke volumes to me.

More than any word or phrase that could come out of her mouth.

“We can’t go back, Max. Too much has happened for us to pretend that we didn’t almost kill each other.”

And it's been awhile, but all that shit seems to disappear

All I can do is nod my head.

Because Liz always speaks the truth.

Despite how painful it is.

It’s one of the things I always admired about her.

That she would call me on my shit and I could do nothing but agree with her because she was right.

When I'm with you

She lost that part of herself for a while.

Because I disabled it with the way I treated her.

And everything I can remember

So I do the only thing that’s left to do.

I bring her chin up.

My lips fusing over hers for the last time.

As fucked up as it always seemed

“I love you Liz. And I love our son.”

I smile.

The only thank you I’m capable of giving.

“I always will.”

The consequences that I've rendered

With that, I get up and leave.

Trying not to look back to make it easier on myself.

To make it easier on her so she doesn’t have to see my ugly mug anymore.

Have gone and fucked up things again

“Don’t go!”

I don’t know whether she’s really saying those words.

Or if I’m just playing mind games with myself.

Why must I feel this way

Because even now, it’s still too much to hope that we can be together.

Just make this go away

“I want you to stay, Max.”

Obviously my confusion is apparent.

Because her throaty voice is explaining.

“I know I said that we couldn’t go back. And I still believe that.”

The truth hurts.

Just one more peaceful day

“I want you to be my friend, Max. I want you to be a father to your son.”

And it's been awhile since I could look in myself straight

I let her words sink in.

I let them absorb into my heart.

My mind.

And it's been awhile since I said I'm sorry

I remember the vow I made to myself.

And while it’ll kill me inside knowing that Liz doesn’t trust me with her heart to let me love her, I can live with that.

If only to have her in my life.

And it's been awhile since I've seen the way the candles light your face

“I’ll stay.”

And it's been awhile but I can still remember just the way you taste

I walk back into the room.

And everything I can remember

To get closer to my slice of heaven.

As fucked up as it all may seem to be, I know its me

I fucked up my chance with my first son.

I cannot blame this on my father

I pray that I can do right by my second one.

He did the best he could for me

I look at Liz from the corner of my eyes.

And its been awhile since I could

And I can’t help but thank her silently.

Hold my head up high

She’s always been the bigger person.

The better half of me.

And it's been awhile

I hope I can do right by her too.

Since I said I'm sorry

Because we were friends when we began this.

Hopefully we can be friends when this ends.







END





Only one more part to this and the HTS and I'll be done.

[ edited 1 time(s), last at 3-Jan-2002 12:17:53 AM ]
posted on 7-Jan-2002 3:59:35 PM by jasper711

Epiphany

*****************

Where do I even begin?

Things have spiraled into this.

And I can’t help but be thankful that I can still be a part of my son’s and Liz’s life.

Sound selfish much?

Your words to me stay a whisper

I know I do.

And I know that I still am.

I just hope that by being around Liz will help me overcome my selfish ways.

I know that it’ll take a long time.

That it’s something that won’t come over night.

But for once.

Once in a really long time, I have hope.

Your face is so unclear

I watch as my son falls asleep.

And my heart constricts inside my chest as the enormity of that statement sinks in.

I have a son.

A son with the woman I always dreamed would bare my children.

It’s a bittersweet situation.

But I’m thankful, nonetheless.

I try to pay attention

I look at Liz.

And I know that she’ll make a great mother.

I look at myself.

And I don’t know what to expect.

I’ve failed in my previous attempts at righting my wrongs.

I’m scared that I’m bound to repeat history.

Your words just disappear

But then I look at Liz again.

And I really look.

And I see that she’s a changed woman.

She’s not the same innocent schoolgirl I loved from afar.

She’s seasoned.

She’s weathered.

But she’s more beautiful.

Stronger than when I first revealed to her my alien heritage.

Cuz its always raining in my head

Seeing that, is enough to make me know that I’m going to try my hardest.

To bend over backwards.

Forwards.

Sideways.

Any way to help.

Forget all the things I should have said

“You should get some rest.”

I chose my words carefully.

To make it clear that she has the choice.

That I’m not trying to tell her what to do.

Because this time around, I want things to be different.

I want us to be equal.

So I speak to you in riddles

She smiles at me weakly.

And I see the fatigue in her eyes.

But regardless, she still manages to make my heart flutter.

To make my stomach rumble while my palms sweat.

“You should too. I’m not the only one who went through labor.”

Cuz my words get in my way

I find my lip quirking up at the side.

Because it’s been so long since we’ve had this sense of calm.

So long that I’m afraid that if I close my eyes, I’ll wake up and find that it was all a dream.

I soak the hole thing to my head

“I will....I just.....I want to watch him for a little bit longer.”

And you, I add silently.

Because she only wants to be friends.

And I want to honor that.

To prove that I am trying to grow from my experiences.

To show that I did learn something from what happened.

And feel it wash away

She pulls the blanket up over her body.

And she closes her eyes.

Cuz I cant take anymore of this

I find a sigh escaping my lips.

Because things feel like they’re changing.

Changing for the better.

I wanna come apart

I kneel over my son.

And I kiss the top of his bald head.

It’s a promise.

A promise to love and take care of him.

And his mother.

And dig myself a little hole

I sit back.

And make do with the chair in the corner.

I want to be able to see Liz and our son from where I am.

Inside your precious heart

My eyes feel heavy.

And for the first time in months, I think that sleep is finally coming.

I am nothing more than

Sleep that contains no nightmares.

But merely an offering of rest.

A little boy inside

And I know it’s all because of Liz.

That cries out for attention

She has yet again given me a reason to fight.

To fight for what’s important.

To remember what it was to lead with your heart and embrace the feelings that accompanied it.

Yet I always try to hide

I think about every failure I’ve had.

Cuz I'd talk to you like children

And then I look at my son.

And I know that he is my greatest accomplishment.

I have a feeling that he will be the best part of Liz and I combined.

Though I don’t know how I feel

My eyes drift to Liz.

And my heart does a flip flop of emotions the way it always does when I so much as think about her.

But I know I'll do the right thing

In my heart, I know that she’s an angel.

Because that’s the only explanation.

I hope that this time around brings her good fortune.

But I have a feeling that it will.

Because it’s been a long time coming for her.

If the right thing is to feel

And if we never get back together again.

I’ll be alright with that.

Because I’ll still be in her life.

With our son.

And we’ll have the most important thing that I’ve craved since we were children.

A chance to be in her presence.

And most importantly, the thing above all else.

Her friendship.







END