posted on 25-Dec-2001 2:00:23 PM by blurry venus
Ahh I've come to bug you once again*happy* Another oldie (but goodie I've been told)

"Wanting Him to Know" 1/2
By: venus.in.the.desert⊕ritesofpassage.net
Takes place: After "The End of the World"
Lyrics: Stina Nordenstam, "Little Star" ("William Shakespeare's Romeo +
Juliet Music From The Motion Picture" soundtrack)

- - - - -
Came driving from all over town
For you
Little star…
- - - - -

She quietly lifted her foot over the windowpane and took a quick intake
of breath when the heel of her boot hit it. Her eyes flicked up immediately
to him and she exhaled when she saw he was still asleep. She stepped onto
the floor and with cautious hands, closed the window behind her, letting
out yet again a deep breath. Sneaking into a room in the middle of the
night would have seemed risky a year ago, but with all that had happened
to her in her 16th year of life, it only caused a small skip in her heartbeat.


Maybe that's why she was there…so much had happened to her in the past year
that things she had always dreamed of doing, now became things she did.
Like visiting the love of her life while he was sleeping, just to look at
him, just to be close to him.

She would have closed the curtain, but the moonlight that hung right through
his window illuminated his face. She missed looking at him. She missed
him altogether.

- - - - -
Little star
So you had to go…
- - - - -

Why she was doing this to herself dumbfounded her. Just standing five feet
away from him made her want to cry and tell him everything she knew, and
everything he didn't. But that was impossible. For reasons she still wasn't
sure of yet, but she knew that the balance of everything, of all of the
lives around her that she cared about, were in jeopardy. She wondered if
Max thinking she and Kyle and slept together was hurting him as much as
the last moment of her dance with "Max" had been. She remembered him spinning
her around, his fingertips still making light contact with hers as her hair
swept around her face. When she turned around, he was gone. And in that
moment that still lived in her heart, she realized that "Max" had died.
And that along with the death of his existence, she had killed a part of
her Max so deep within him it may never heal. She had the weight of two
worlds on her shoulders, and it seemed as if everyone hated her for it.


If only they knew…

She noticed how he slept on his back, with a change of clothes at the foot
of his bed. Always ready to defend himself; always ready to have to run.


She walked up to the bed and knelt down beside him. He was so close. So
close she could feel his breath slipping out of his mouth and warming the
area around him. Having Max within a 20-foot proximity of her had always
proved to be a reason for her stomach to flutter. But being this close
to him made her heart thud in her throat and her cheeks flush.

He was painfully beautiful. His hair was softened and brushed off of his
face from turning in his sleep, his cheeks were tinted pink from the warmth
of his room. His eyelashes were long and shadowed in the light. His lips
were slightly open.

God, why she was even here was still running through
her mind. What if he woke up? How would she explain herself? 'Yeah, just
thought I'd break into your room so I could look at you'…it wouldn't go
over well. This was all just so unlike her. And against everything she
had spent the last month breaking both their hearts for. But she felt something
about the two of them running deeply in her still. No matter how many times
she told him that he and Tess were destined, or how many times she convinced
herself it was dangerous, she would look at him, if only for a second, and
know that Max had saved her life for one reason…for them to be together.


Her heart clenched at the pain she had caused him. At the humiliation.
She had led him to believe that everything they had felt in the past year
was a lie…wasn't that important to her.

It was the most important thing
in the world to her.

She moved her face closer to his, and softly rested her hands on his chest
that was rising and falling with each breath. Maybe she could just tell
him…he would never hear it. But she could just say it out loud. So maybe
it wouldn't eat away at her every second of every day.

She lifted her
right hand and swept it across the smooth line of his hair, memories of
her hands running wildly through it as his mouth made love to hers rushing
back, making tears sting her eyes.

She kept her voice hushed, her words coming out slowly.

"I guess I should
start by telling you something…something you probably don't believe anymore…I
love you. I love you so much that it aches. And when you …a future version
of you…came to me and asked me to betray you…to make you fall out of love
with me, I think I felt for the first time in my life what it's like to
want to die."

- - - - -
You must have wanted him to know…
You must have wanted the world to know…
- - - - -

Her tears rolled warm and unnoticed down her cheeks and onto him.

"So
I pretended to sleep with Kyle, when I should have been making love with
you."
She felt a smile grow humbly across her face. "The future version of you
told me that we…we made love the night of the Gomez concert…" Her smile
faded and her tears came again. "You and I making love…it would have been
the beginning of the end of the world. When I realized that the only way
I could get you to hate me was to make you think I hadn't saved myself for
you…I felt like I couldn't breathe. Like I needed you to heal me again.
"She instinctively took her other hand and placed it at her center, consoling
herself.
"But you…the future version of you…he told me that if I didn't make you
fall out of love with me, everyone you love and have spent your entire life
trying to protect, would die. We would all die. Just because you and I
love each other. And I could never make you choose…ever…"

She looked up at him. Still sleeping peacefully. She wanted to cry, and
to, for once, have Max hear her tortured sobs that she kept quiet every
time she saw him. Being in love with him made her want to share everything
with him. She wasn't allowed to share anything with him anymore. Not even
their intimacy.

"I miss…I miss you touching me so much. I miss how,
when I go to kiss you, your eyes get a little rounder, like you still can't
believe that I want you. I miss you kissing me. How you are so gentle
with your lips, like you want every movement of your lips to show me how
much you love me."
She breathed deeply and looked at his lips. So perfectly
formed, so perfectly made to fit hers. She felt her inhibitions slide out
of her mind as she leaned in closer to him.

The smell of him invaded
her like a million memories. She couldn't tell if she felt like crying
for pain or joy. His breath exhaled lightly onto her mouth. It triggered
so many moments deep within her. Like the first time they had kissed.
When his mouth had been mere centimeters away from hers. His heartbeat thudding
rapidly against her chest, his warm breath tickling her mouth. It felt
just like that moment.

- - - - -
Little star
I had to close my eyes…
- - - - -

She let her eyes close and felt her heart clench and tears sting her eyes
as her lips made contact with his. She tenderly brought her lips together
and caressed his bottom lip with the opening of her mouth. She stopped
caring that she shouldn't be there, that he might wake up, and let her hand
slip behind his neck as she found the hair at the nape of his neck that,
whenever she touched it, made him kiss her a little deeper. It proved to
work this time as well. His mouth opened to hers and she felt him give
a relaxed breath into her mouth, his lips moving in search of hers, his
tongue lightly brushing the line of her bottom lip. She clenched her eyes
and kissed him back again.

She felt his hands move beneath her as they
sought out the hem of her shirt. He slowly brushed her skin as he searched
for the spot where he healed her.

She lifted her head from his and looked
down. His eyes were still closed. A fresh tear…his…was running down the
side of his face. "Liz…" he softly wept.

She put her hand up to her mouth to keep her sob inside. She felt his hand
move suddenly, the bed shift beneath her.

"Liz…?" Her head snapped up and her eyes opened.

"Oh god…Max…"

tbc
-blurry

[ edited 1 time(s), last at 27-Dec-2001 5:57:06 PM ]
posted on 26-Dec-2001 1:18:02 PM by blurry venus
Thanks for the feedback, guys. Means a ton*happy*

Wanting Him to Know 2/2
She watched him with her eyes wide open, her heart speeding up, her mind racing.
'I should have never come here…god what am I going to *say* to him?'
And she tried to say something, *anything*, but the sight of him waking up, with a tear still leaving a wet path on his cheek, his lips still open from painfully breathing her name…she was lost in the moment.

He pulled himself up slowly, rubbing his eyes, and she heard breaths going in and out of his lungs a little faster than when he had been asleep beneath her.
When she saw his eyes open fully, her stomach started to clench. His mouth was still slightly open from her kiss, like he was searching for it again.

She laid her fingers on her mouth…in disbelief and wonder that she had just kissed him. She watched with rapt fascination as his hand reached up to hers and his fingertips met hers on her lips. Her tears swelled again.

"Were you…just kissing me?" his voice still gravelly from sleep. His voice was full of confusion…full of hope…

When she nodded, her pooling tears spilled over and ran over his hand. She felt him wince at the contact. He had gotten so used to not having her touch…

"God…Liz…" He pulled his hand away, and looked down. He cradled his face in his hands.

- - - - -
Little star
I had to close my eyes
- - - - -

She tried not to let her emotion seep into her voice, but it was inevitable. Hurt permeated her every syllable.

"I wish…that I could tell you that you were dreaming. But the truth is…this is happening…and I don't really know why…"

He looked up, his eyes red and watery. "I want to believe…that I'm dreaming…but…I know the feel of your mouth on mine…so well. I can't be dreaming, Liz."

She wanted to meet his eyes…the eyes she knew were trying to make her look at him. Give him some answer, some explanation. But she knew if she looked at him, if only for a second, that everything that he couldn't know would come spilling from her mouth before she could stop herself.

- - - - -
Little star
So you had to go
- - - - -

"I really shouldn't be here…" she whispered. She moved to get up, but before she could, she felt his hands reach around her waist and bring her to sit on the bed. She fell back, not willing to fight, and rested her palm on the broad smooth part of his chest. It was instinctual. She needed to feel that his heartbeat was as fast as hers.

With her so close, her tears so fresh, the taste of her lips still lingering on his, the events of the past month slipped away, and all that he could think of was how much he still loved her, craved her.

"I have to kiss you…" he whispered, his mouth moving slowly into hers.

She felt the small warm flow of his breath pass her lips and his eyelashes brush her cheek right before his mouth made contact with hers. Nothing made him feel more alive than the Liz Parker's lips slowly moving in a needy motion to be closer to him. He kept each movement slow, lingering. He somehow knew this wouldn't happen again for a long time.

Liz felt her heart burst at how sensual he was. He wasn't even trying, but just the way his lips would barely touch hers, pull back to look at her, then take her lips again in his as his tongue lightly moved at the opening of her mouth. His mouth cradled hers so perfectly, so softly, and he was so warm.

His fingertips lightly held her face, his free hand still cradling her lower back…keeping her flush against him, close to him like he missed. Like he had been dreaming about before he had woken up.

She felt no need to rush things, to fill the night air with confused words that wouldn't help anything. This whole night was surreal and confusing as it was. She was tired of feeling guilty for being in love.

She let her last barrier of restraint and confusion dissolve with each caress of his mouth against hers. She hadn't kissed him so deeply in a long time. Where she wasn't, in the back of her mind, holding on to a part of herself that she wouldn't let him see.

- - - - -
You must have wanted him to know
You must have wanted the world to know…
- - - - -

She felt his hand lightly move up underneath the back of her shirt as the pads of his fingertips made lazy strokes on the dip of her spine. When he pulled lightly away, she let a whimper escape her lips. "Max…"

When he didn't return his lips to hers, she opened her eyes and felt her stomach drop.

His face was pained, contorted to keep his tears from spilling over.

"You didn't sleep with him…" It wasn't even a question. He had seen it…she had given him a flash.

"No…I did…I *did* sleep with him…" She didn't even sound convincing to herself.

"Why do you keep lying to me?!" She flinched at the hurt…the anger in his voice.

She started shaking her head in protest…to him or herself, she didn't really know.

"We *cannot* talk about this, Max." She wanted to kick herself for crying again. He knew her too well. Too well for her to be able to pull this off. Why had she even tried?

"I feel like I've lost you. Sometimes, now, like I never really had you…"

"Max, please, stop…"

He didn't to notice her plea. He looked up at her, right in the eyes. She felt herself go weak at how vulnerable and hurt he was.

"You don't even tell me the truth anymore! I risked my entire existence, because all I wanted was for you to know the truth. That I've been looking for my home all of my life…and I found it the day I realized I was willing to be discovered…to save you."

- - - - -
For you
Little star…
- - - - -

She nodded, her words barely making a sound. "I don't know how I can ask this of you…but…you have to believe that everything I've said or done in the past month is a lie. To protect you, and Michael and Isabel…the entire world…and for reasons I cannot let you know, at least not right now…"

- - - - -
Poor little thing
And now they know
- - - - -

"Did something happen to you, Liz? God, did someone hurt you?" his voice clenched with concern.

"No…I'm ok…it's just…that…" she couldn't allow herself to continue. Absolutely could not.

She looked up at him, straight in the eyes. "I love you, Max…" She felt herself choke through streaming tears. "That has to be enough for you to know right now."

He reflected her stare and leaned in to kiss her again. More urgent, more needy this time. Confirming that he believed her. She moved her body back up against his, wrapping her arms around him. She rested her hand at the nape of his neck and ran the hair through her fingers there. He kissed her deeper. Deep enough that she felt the heart-soaring connection between the two of them open like floodgates.

She heard his voice softly speaking to her…

Like love I crave her…
Like home I need her…
Like both
I cannot have her…

She broke her lips from his but kept her face within a breath of him.

His eyes, rimmed with fresh tears, looked into hers.

"Did you hear that?" he whispered.

She nodded, her bottom lip trembling.

"I wrote that…right after I saw you…and Kyle. It's been running through my head."

"We just have to wait…" She looked at him. She hated this so much.

He tilted her head and kissed her softly.

"I'm tired of waiting, Liz."

"Things will be perfect for us one day. Just not today."

He nodded, still processing everything that had just been said, everything that had just transpired.

"I want you to stay the night." She looked at him, her memory flashing back to what the future version of Max had said.

"I don't think…" She said, looking down at their intertwined hands.

"Just let me hold you. I miss you."

"Max…I…I can't…"

He looked down, trying to cover his hurt.

She slipped her hand under his chin and raised his face to look at her.

"Kiss me before I go…" He nodded and moved his arms around her body again, taking as much of her in as his senses could bear.

Between their caressing lips, she heard him breathe a small "I love you…"

Her heart broke again that night as she realized she had to leave before things progressed…where both of them wanted things to progress.

She stood up off of the bed, his hand still lingering on her arm.

"I'm glad you came tonight…" He said, a last attempt for her to look at him.

She turned back at the now-opened window as she lost herself in his eyes one last time.

"Thank you for believing me."

- - - - -
Came driving from all over town
For you
Little star…
- - - - -
end
-blurry
posted on 27-Dec-2001 6:02:00 PM by blurry venus
Now that I've finally figured out how to change the subject title...*happy*

The ending isn't very..."Pollyanna" dreamer of me, but I wanted to write something that could easily be slipped into the show without changing too much. I wrote this just kind of imagining it was a cut scene or something*happy*

Hope everyone enjoys the last part.

-blurry
posted on 28-Dec-2001 1:48:40 AM by blurry venus
Just wanted to thank you guys for the really supportive feedback. It's amazing how touchy people are when it comes to M/L and when I wrote this and posted it intially at some other boards/lists, the reaction was a little indifferent because the ending wasn't very fairy tale. Granted, the ending wasn't tragic, but I have a hard time making things so peachy for the two of them, especially when I don't have the time (or creativity for that matter) to write a long fic. I tend to stick to quick fics, which doesn't leave much room for change in a situation, just a little room to understand the character's pov's better.

Thanks for reading everyone*happy*

blurry