posted on 9-Mar-2002 12:02:22 AM by Suli
Title: Burn
Author: Lisa
Rating: PG-13
Couples: CC
Summary: Max's POV. Very dark and angsty. Everything up to finding out Tess is pregnant. I might change some other things. Not everything is hunky dory.
Feedback: Please. Both good and bad.

A lot of people don't understand that. Pain.
- BtVS 'The Body'

Part 1

I’m surrounded by silence.

Tess is pregnant.

But in my head, I can’t stop the noise in my head.

Tess is pregnant.

The words ring over and over again in my head.

I can’t hide from the truth.

There are no lies now.

How can I be the truth when all I am are lies?

I’ve always been lies.

It protects me, shields me.

It keeps the way the pain.

And lets me savor it even more.

Tess is pregnant.

She and I, I…I can’t even get the words out without feeling the bile rise up into my throat.

The acid nips and burns my throat. I relish the pain.

And I breathe.

I have to remind myself to breath, otherwise I would forget.

Breathe in. Tess is pregnant. Breathe out. Tess is pregnant.

It becomes monotonous.

Redundant.

It becomes my life.

Maybe I should change it.

Just have it repeat in my head but forget to breath.

What would happen if I forgot?

I would be dead.

The light at the end of the tunnel.

I would save them from the misery, this hell I put them in.

They wouldn’t have me.

And they’re lives would be better for it.

Tess is pregnant.

I wish I could take this away.

Go back in time and mend my mistakes.

I am mistakes.

And I am lies.

I am fallen space debris.

But I could fix that. If I could spin the world backwards.

Go back in time and fix my mistakes.

Have everything become undone.

Or perhaps, the sun would just rise in the west.



[ edited 2 time(s), last at 9-Mar-2002 5:48:20 PM ]
posted on 9-Mar-2002 12:32:40 AM by Suli
dreamerforever15- It's CC. I added it to my info.
posted on 9-Mar-2002 5:45:26 PM by Suli
Part 2

I remember it.

The memories burn my brain leaving their impression.

The salt. The flesh.

It burns.

It began, and then it ended.

But in between, in the in between was where I died.

Somewhere between the tangle of hands and legs and hair I died.

But I thought the dead doesn’t feel.

But I still do.

I can feel the pain gnawing at me. Pulling me apart.

But I don’t cry or breakdown.

I won’t.

Because then I’ll free myself of the pain.

And I don’t deserve that privilege.

I deserve the pain.

But I’m afraid it will become so strong that I’ll become numb.

And I won’t care about what I did.

What I’ve done.

But, as much as the pain hurts, it’s nothing compared to the guilt.

The guilt of knowing that our lives are about to be shot to hell and I can’t do a damn thing about it.

The guilt keeps me awake at night.

I’ve done too many things wrong.

I don’t deserve to be called ‘Fearless leader’ because I live my life afraid.

Afraid of being alone. Being captured. Being weak.

Ironically my biggest fear was hurting the ones I love.

And yet I managed to time and time again.

And now I fear it’s too late to do something right.

I lie on my bed and stare at the ceiling. My eyes never moving from the one spot I gaze at.

And I think about everything. Every action. Every thought. Every word.

I think about everything I have been associated with for the past two years. Ever since Liz was shot.

And I brought her back to life.

But instead I gave her the land of the dead.