posted on 10-Mar-2002 2:11:58 PM by Lucy
Okay, this story is going to be a little bit strange....
It's not really CC, but it isn't UC either. It's, well strange!
I wrote a Fic called "disgusting" and it's a really funny and happy fic. But when I was in a not-so-happy-mood and I wanted to write I started this story. That's the reason it's so, well, strange.


Okay, this is an experiment. I want you to take everything you know about Roswell and throw it out of the window. Did it? Good!
Now imagine you are surfing through the internet and suddenly you find the following story someone is writing. It's your choice if you believe the person or not.
I want the Feedback you (hopefully) write be adressed to this person.
At the beginning of every part she'll answer your questions.
Got it? I had this idea and I thought that I should try it. If you don't like it, tell me!

Author: Lucy
Disclaimer: Nothing's mine!
Rating: ?? PG-13

I'll have an Alien Blast

Wanna hear a story? No, I'm not a storyteller and this isn't a fairytale. It's a story about me.
Who I am? Well, this is a tough one.
You can call me Alice, even if that's not my name. Anyway, you can call me Alice, like Alice in Wonderland. 'Cause that's how I feel most of the time. I feel like little Alice who doesn't know what's going on around her. Who sees people, who seem to be crazy.
Did you ever notice that she isn't happy in her Wonderland? Most of the time, when she isn't chasing this damn rabbit, she's scared, no terrified or sad or confused. And that's exactly how I feel.

I'm good at two things. Well, I'm good at more than two things, but there are just two things I'm good at and proud of.
The first thing is dancing. I love to dance. And I know how to dance to be noticed. I know how to dance to hypnotise people. Yeah, I'm good at dancing.
The other thing I'm good at is crying. Okay, I know it sounds strange when I say I'm proud of being good at crying. But it took me some time to "learn" how to cry. I'm not sobbing or screaming or throwing things. I cry in silence. I cry tears that look like diamonds. I cry without someone noticing it.

You have to go back in time if you want to hear this story. It starts years before I was born. It starts in 1947. Do you know what happened back then? No?
Well, one night in 1947 a weather balloon crashed near Roswell, New Mexico. The people who saw it thought it was an UFO.
So, let's pretend it was. Let's pretend it was an UFO. And let's pretend there were aliens in this UFO. They were in some kind of pods and didn't come out immediately. There was an alien king, his bride, his sister and her husband. They consisted of a gen-mix, half human, half alien. Let's pretend they didn't know about their past or their enemies, who had taken over their planet.
Let's pretend further that they emerged their pods in 1989, looking like 6-year-old kids. And me? Well, I'm still not alive at this point. I still have to be born yet.
Anyway they emerged their pods but they couldn't stay together. The king and his sister got adopted by two humans and some years later they met the girl's former husband. But what about the bride? Well, it should be a long time before they would see her again.

Now it's time for you to meet some teenagers. You have to know that the aliens are half-human. So don't see them as evil or something like that. Think of them as persons like you are, or your neighbour is. They aren't automatically bad. They are just evil if they choose to be.
And at that time they were normal teenagers. Well, normal teenagers who were able to use their whole brain which gave them special powers. They lived an ordinary human life.
Max, the alien king, who didn't know that he was one yet, had been obsessed with a girl for years. He got used to just sitting there and watching her, thinking about her a lot. Liz, the girl, didn't know about it. She was a pretty and smart girl. Not too normal and not too extraordinary.
The king believes in true love. He is very romantic. I don't know what would have happened if you told him that he had been in love before. He probably wouldn't have believed you.
His sister, Isabel, loved her human life. She was one who always got what she wanted. You find such "queens" at every school in the US. The beautiful, popular girl every girl envies and every boy wants to claim as his.
Michael, the third alien, had a foster father who beat him up every now and then. But he didn't complain. He didn't even tell anyone. Michael Guerin built a wall around himself. This wall should protect him. He wanted to hide behind this wall. He never imagined that someone could destroy it. But someone did.

One day in September Liz got shot. It's not sure that she would be dead if Max didn't heal her. I personally don't think she would. And I have pretty good instincts. I know a lot of things. Most of them I don't want to know.
Anyway, I wasn't born back then and so he did heal her and risked everything. So Liz and her two friends, Maria and Alex, found out that there were aliens in Roswell.
Since that fateful day they couldn't live a normal life. The FBI chased them and they got always in trouble while they were trying to find out what really happened in 1947 and where they came from.

During this time they all got pretty close. Three rocky, but yet sweet relationships were built. Each one with it own problems.
Liz and Max had this "soul mate" thing going on. They would do anything for each other, even die. It was wonderful but also very scaring. But the biggest problem was that the others didn't like it. Isabel sort of envied her. She wanted her brother all to herself. And Michael wanted Max to concentrate on getting back to their home planet.
Maria's and Michael's love was kind of bittersweet. She tried to crack his wall and he didn't like that. They always argued. Michael had never known what it was like to be loved and so he was scared. I know what it feels. Oh, I just know what it's like to be unloved. It's sad, isn't it? Well, that's the reason I feel connected to Michael in some way.
Alex and Isabel did never really admit how much they liked each other. I think they were always more friends than lovers. Although they tried.

So everything was okay until Tess showed up. You remember Max's bride, right? Anyway Liz and Max had some big troubles and the whole group had to take the consequences.
The day they learned about their past and about their enemies, their destiny (which was to bond and save their planet), Liz left. She went to stay with her aunt in Florida. And she should be gone for years.

I'm still not born at this point. I know, and I'm sorry. But if you want to understand you have to hear the whole story.

Next time I'll tell you about the wedding. And the child that was convinced that night.

(I don't know if I'll update very often 'cause I have to be in a wired mood to write this story)

[ edited 19time(s), last at 14-Jul-2002 4:21:06 PM ]
posted on 10-Mar-2002 3:44:08 PM by Lucy
I'm bumping this story 'cause I want to have at least one reply before I turn of the computer! Please?!*angel**sad**angel*
posted on 11-Mar-2002 2:48:10 PM by Lucy
TO: My readers

The story just started, be patient!
First of all, NO it wasn't Tess and Max that got married. You don't seem to like Tess. Well, I have to tell you that Tess is okay. She isn't bad. Sometimes we go shopping together. She treats me better than most of the others.
Your second question Transparent clear: No, I'm not the child. This time it's someone else. But I'm going to be born soon. Just some more years. This child is the first mistake, I'm the second.
To ICE ROSE (I like that name): No, I've never read that book but I know the title. Is it good?

Ask as many questions as you want. Please?


One more reason to envy Max Evans

I'm back.
I'm having some troubles with my father at the moment, but that's nothing new. What else? Well, I had a pretty good day. I'm going to a party tonight, dancing. AND I got an e-mail from Spain. That's what makes a good day a perfect day.
Well, in my world there doesn't exist the word perfect. Nothing's perfect here. Everything is just screwed up.
You see, I'm not very optimistic. But that's okay, 'cause hope is something which would make it all even harder. I'm crying again. I'll have to fix my makeup before I go.

Oh, right. You aren't here to listen to my pathetic rambling. You are here for the story.

So, Liz left and everything went upside down. The whole group changed. With Liz gone, they lost their balance. Nothing was right anymore.
Michael re-built his stonewall. He talked as little as he could. Most of the time just sitting there, listening. Poor Michael, I know how it feels. But Maria didn't. She went kind of crazy.
Max was heart-broken for some time but he got over it quicker than you would have thought.
Alex... it's difficult to describe how Alex felt. He felt like he lost everything. He lost his reason to stand up in the morning. He lost his interest in life. He didn't see much sense in it. It was not like "I-will-commit-suicide." More like "I-don't-care". He ended his not-really-existing relationship with Isabel.
And Tess? She lost her interest in Max the day Liz left. Just like that. Nobody really knows why, not even me. And I really know a lot.

So, it took Liz four years to come back. She was twenty by then. She came for the wedding. Nobody thought she would come. Nobody had contacted her since she left. The first thing she got from Roswell was an invitation to a wedding.

She didn't know that she would regret it. Neither did the others.

At first she stopped at Maria's. Isabel and Tess were there, helping Maria to get ready for her wedding. They were surprised to see her.
I could tell you that Isabel was shocked and that Tess still hated her. I could say that Maria noticed a change. That she thought that her former best friend had turned into a goddess. It wasn't because of her outfit or her body, it was her attitude that made Liz beautiful. She had got stronger during the last four years. Well, at least she thought so.

It's hard to be strong when you watch someone marry your ex-boyfriend, who broke your heart. But Liz thought that she was strong enough. But she wasn't. And so, when Max and Maria left for their wedding night, she also left, with Michael.....

He left early in the morning, even before the sun rose. He thought that she was asleep but she wasn't. And as soon as he had left she started crying. Like I always do. It's unfair, it took me so long to learn how to cry and she just could do it.

Maria and Max went on honeymoon for a whole month. They were in a cheerful mood when they came back. But hey, who wouldn't be? Well, anyway, that should change really soon.

They entered their house, laughing and whispering sweet promises to each other. When they entered the living room they were greeted by four pairs of eyes and one massage: MICHAEL IS GONE.
Max was thrown off balance. Years ago they made a promise to stay together. Well, Max being the leader and all, made the other aliens make that promise. Until that time they had all agreed about that but now Michael was gone.
They started screaming and soon there was a big chaos. Only Alex and Liz stayed calm. They didn't seem to care at all.

It should be a long time until Alex would speak again. He simply stopped, seeing no sense in it. Can you believe that there is someone who is so disinterested that he doesn't even talk? Well, Alex had to sort out a lot of things. He needed time.

And Liz said exactly two sentences that evening. The first one was: "Michael left after he slept with me." Everybody stopped talking. They couldn't believe it. It was silent for an eternity. Then Liz spoke again, her second and last sentence that night. "I'm pregnant." With that she and Alex left.

If Max and Maria had ever had the chance of living a happy life together then they lost it that moment. They didn't know it by then. But I know now.
Maria was angry because all that wasn't supposed to happen. Liz wasn't even supposed to be there, she wasn't supposed to sleep with Michael and most of all she wasn't supposed to carry his child. It was wrong and Maria knew it.
Max had to resist the urge to kill Michael right away. Michael always knew how to get into trouble. And sleeping with Liz was something that Michael just shouldn't have done.

*(Please remember to adress your Feedback at "Alice")

[ edited 1 time(s), last at 11-Mar-2002 2:51:41 PM ]
posted on 12-Mar-2002 3:49:20 PM by Lucy

Well Nana, like I said at the beginning, I'm in a strange mood when I write this fic and so I can't promise anything. I'll try to write another (happy) fic for you one day, deal? I'm sorry if you don't like it.

All the others out there: GIVE IT A TRY, PLEASE!!! I can't promise happiness or anything else but I'd love feedback, please?

posted on 13-Mar-2002 12:54:52 PM by Lucy
TO: My readers

Hi! I'm pretty tired right now. And writing this part was something that was pretty hard. Well, writing the next one will be even harder.
Ask whatever you want. I hope you leave Feedback!

And once you do, you can never go back

I want you to meet a wonderful person.
But first we have to talk about Alex, who stopped talking last part. Remember? It was pretty hard for him, seeing all his friends falling apart. First of all, he didn't like the fact that Max and Maria got married. He had been the one Maria talked to when Michael had dumped her. He had seen her sadness change into anger and in his opinion Maria was just using Max because she wanted to hurt Michael.
At first he had been mad at Maria and told her that she couldn't do that. He said that she should think about what Liz would think. But one day he stopped caring. One day he realised that everything had went wrong and he couldn't change that. And so everything lost sense to him. It's sad, isn't it? But I promise he'll find his happiness soon.

But before he can you have to meet Serena. Serena also has a very sad story. She was an only child and her parents were pretty rich. Since she was a little girl she wanted to be a doctor, like her father was. So she started to study medicine. She was a very smart young woman, she would have become a very good doctor. But one day a drunken driver knocked her over. She had to spend a long time at the hospital and she had to be operated a lot.
After that she had to sit in a wheelchair. She couldn't walk.
Serena didn't want to be a doctor anymore. So she went back to live with her parents in Albuquerque.

You want to know why I tell you this? Well, Serena is important. Really important.

When Liz was 4 month pregnant and started to show, she left Roswell. She couldn't stand it anymore. Tess' hatred, the looks Isabel gave her, Max' and Maria's anger and Alex's silence. So she left the day she felt the child moving for the first time. She knew that she couldn't stay, that she had to go.

She was in pain. She had been for weeks. Maybe because her human body didn't get along with the alien child. Who knows?
She broke down next to an old house, in Albuquerque.

And that was where Serena found her. She was the one who gave Liz somewhere to stay. She was the one who was there for Liz when she needed someone.
Serena felt sorry for the young, pregnant woman. But she soon realised that something wasn't right with Liz. She refused to see a doctor and she was very week.
One day Serena discovered a glowing handprint on Liz's abdomen. It was silver with a little bit blue. Max had left it there when he had healed Liz. It had disappeared after some days but the baby made it glow again.

Serena wanted to know what was wrong. She shouted at Liz, she was so confused. Liz bent down to kneel in front of the wheelchair and started to cry. She told Serena everything. She told her about the day Max had healed her, she told her that they were aliens, she told her about their destiny and that she had left because of it, and finally she told her that Max had married Maria and that she had slept with Michael and got pregnant.

It took Liz an eternity to tell the story, but it helped. She had always been afraid of what Serena would say if the baby didn't look like a normal human child.
She shouldn't have worried so much. Daniel was a beautiful little boy even with his hands glowing. Serena had helped her giving birth to him. If she hadn't been there, Liz wouldn't have survived it. Human bodies aren't made to carry and give birth to children like Daniel.

Daniel, it's a beautiful name, isn't it? He was named after Serena's Dad and he was a wonderful baby. Well, he's still wonderful. He really is.

Serena knew that Liz couldn't take care for the little child herself. Liz didn't even want to. It wasn't like she didn't love him. It was just that Liz was afraid that Daniel wouldn't be able to handle his alien side. That he would do things no human could do.
Serena and her talked a lot about it. They decided that it would be the best if Daniel stayed with the other aliens in Roswell. Serena wanted to convince Liz that she should go with him. But Liz couldn't do that. She didn't belong there anymore.

The others had been searching for Liz. They all felt guilty because of the way they had treated her. And they were worried because they knew how weak Liz had been when she had left.
They weren't a group anymore. Every time they got together they started to shout at each other blaming the others because they felt too guilty to admit that it was their own fault.

They were fighting again when Serena first saw them. She looked through the window inside the cafe in which they were. Then she looked down at Daniel who was sleeping in her lap. She wasn't so sure that this had been a good idea anymore. But she had to give Daniel to them. Because his father was an alien. She promised him that she would always be there for him because she knew that he wouldn't have a very happy life.

Alex was the first one who saw the young woman in the wheelchair. She looked so strong, so self-confident, something he wanted to be so badly. He couldn't bring his eyes to look away again. He noticed the baby she was carrying and he noticed the way her lips were pressed together in nervousness.

She came over to them and that was the first time they met Daniel Parker. Serena didn't say much. She just told them in a low voice what had happened and that they were supposed to look after the little child.

Now you know about Daniel. Well, I'm still not born, but maybe next time. I can't promise anything, because there's so much I have to tell you.

posted on 16-Mar-2002 8:31:20 AM by Lucy
TO: My readers

Thanks for reading.
Well, martelois, that was a good guess. I mean me being Max' and Maria's daughter. But you're wrong, I'm sorry. Things would be easier if I was. But I'm not.
Read this part and you'll know who my parents are.

I talked to Lucy, but we are having some troubles at the moment. She doesn't spend enough time with me...*tongue*

I'm glowing toes, my heart.

They are fighting again. They do it a lot lately. Well, I wouldn't care but the problem is that they are fighting because of me. It's always because of me. I'm the reason that they aren't happy.

Last time we talked about Serena and Daniel, right?

Well, they all loved Daniel. He was their little sunshine, a happy and wonderful baby. Not like I was. Daniel and I, we are really different. Anyway, he stayed with Maria and Max. They felt really odd about it because they didn't like the fact that Michael and Liz had a son. Max felt hurt, but Maria was really mad about it. It had been HER wedding night, HER day! Liz and Michael weren't supposed to sleep with each other that night. That was just wrong!
And Max was mad at them because they just left Daniel. Michael didn't even know that he was a father and Liz sent her son to stay with them. Poor boy, with such parents! Max promised that he would be there for his children. He promised that he would never leave them. He promised that his children would be blessed. Well, he was going to break that promise. I wish he wouldn't have broken it.

When Daniel turned one, they decided that they wanted to have a child of their own. Well, Maria decided it, Max wasn't so sure about it. When Serena heard about that, she got really mad at them. She told Maria again and again how weak Liz had been and that she had nearly died. But Maria didn't want to listen.

Speaking of Serena, she also stayed in Roswell. She wanted to be there for Daniel, well, at least in the beginning, then.....then she fell in love with Alex. And that was the best thing that happened in Roswell, New Mexico since a long time. Hey, Alex started talking again!
They were happy. And I mean really happy. They still are. They are probably the only people in Roswell who are happy, but they deserve to be.

Anyway, Maria wanted to get pregnant but she couldn't. Nobody knew why, but she couldn't get pregnant. Max felt sorry for her but he was kind of relieved. He didn't even know why.

Daniel was three when Liz came to Roswell. He got to meet his mother for the first time and was very excited, no thrilled! All the others weren't so happy about it. They were afraid that Liz would take Daniel with her. Where to? To New York, that was where Liz lived back then. They didn't want to loose Daniel, they loved him madly.

Okay, the next part is going to be....hard. Yes, you guessed right, it's finally about me.

So, where to begin? I was convinced in a rainy October night and I really don't know why. I don't know why my parents had sex, and that's confusing, because I know nearly everything. Maybe they slept with each other because they got the chance to. Hell, I wouldn't be so confused if they had been drunk, but they weren't.

I am definitely a mistake, but that's not my fault. I wish that Maria would realise that. Maybe one day...... I mean, sure she's hurt, who wouldn't be?
But it's not my fault that Max slept with Liz, it really isn't! I'm just, well, the result or something.

This night, back in October is haunting me. I'm having flashes about it, every time I'm with Max. It started about four or five month ago. I see rain coming down a window, a bare shoulder, swollen lips..... That's the reason I'm avoiding him. I don't want to have these flashes, I really don't! And I can't explain why I have them. I just know that after every single flash I cry for hours.

It's not so easy to avoid Max, because I live with him and Maria..... but that's the present. I still have to tell you some things about the past.

So, Liz left the next day. She leaves a lot, doesn't she? She was mad at herself. A mistake, again. She sort of knew that she was pregnant, or she feared it. A second mistake, me.
She took Daniel with her. At first she didn't want to, but when she went to tell him goodbye he started crying. Daniel hardly cried, he was a happy kid. But he loved her. More than his life in Roswell, more than Serena, Max and all the others. He knew that she couldn't stand to be alone anymore. He was a wonderful little boy.

Maria didn't cry when Max told her that he had slept with Liz. She yelled and screamed but she didn't cry. And she stayed with him. He told her that he was sorry. He really meant it. Or at least he thought he did.

For the next nine month the whole group felt somehow strange. Daniel was gone, Max slept with Liz and Liz had disappeared with her son. Liz had the ability to throw them off balance every time she showed up, or rather every time she left.

[ edited 2 time(s), last at 16-Mar-2002 9:47:41 AM ]
posted on 21-Mar-2002 11:33:25 AM by Lucy
It's me. I've got a new part for you, but not much time, I'm sorry!!

Just wanted to see what was more important than me.

I was born in Albuquerque. That's where Liz stayed while she was pregnant. It made her feel save because Daniel was also born there.
Liz had to deal with a lot of things. First of all she had slept with Max. She regretted it. Because of Maria, because of Max, Daniel and me. It was extra hard, because it was the second time she got pregnant with a child she didn't want. But there are these huge differences between Daniel and I.

Daniel is a name that was chosen and Anna is the name I was given. Know the difference? Liz never thought about a name for me. She simply didn't care. And she also avoided thinking of me while she was pregnant. She pretended that I wasn't there.
But when I was born she couldn't pretend that I wasn't there. She didn't like it. And what does Liz when there's something she doesn't like? Right, she gets rid of it, me in this case. I don't blame her. She was 24, had already two kids with two different fathers who both had alien powers. Of cause she has some troubles dealing with it.

Serena came and took me with her. She wanted me to stay with her and Alex. But I never lived with them. When she came back to Roswell she had to tell the others about me and Max decided that I should stay with him and Maria. This wasn't one of his best ideas. Maria didn't like it. Of course she didn't. She wanted to have a baby of her own and not one that her husband had convinced with another woman. But she still stayed with Max because she didn't want Liz to "win". It's ironic, isn't it? Maria was upset because she didn't have a child and Liz was because she had one. So all I caused was pain. And now you know why I say that I'm unwanted and unloved. It's true!

Liz and Daniel went back to New York but they didn't stay there for long. Liz had to get away as far as she could. So they went to live in Spain, Europe. That's where they still live and it's the reason why I don't meet them very often. Not even once a year.

Max. He felt torn. I can't describe it any other way. He didn't, and doesn't, want to upset Maria and so he never showed much likeness towards me. Yes, that's me, the unloved one.
He only spends time with me when Maria isn't around. I used to love these times but recently I try to stay out of his way. Because of the fleshes I get when he touches me. I don't know why they started five month ago. I never had such flashes.
So, he is very careful how he acts around me. But other than Liz he doesn't regret it, he doesn't regret me. I can see it in his eyes. Maybe that's the reason my last name is Evans. I asked him once, I was about six, why my name was Anna Evans. He answered that it was because I was his daughter. I didn't understand it and so I asked him why Daniel's last name was Parker and not Guerin. Guess what, right, he didn't like that question.

And that's how things are right now. Daniel is nineteen and still lives with Liz in Spain. I last saw them two years ago in New York. That's where we always meet. We, that's Daniel, Liz, Alex, Serena and me. It's saver when we meet outside of Roswell.
I live with Max and Maria but we don't like it. No one of us would admit it, but it's the truth. I don't know how we managed to live like this for 16 years. It's a miracle. Maria and I are fighting none stop and Max and she started to fight, I mean really fight, about half a year ago.
I spend most of my afternoons with Serena. She's the only one who treats me like I'm just a normal girl. Most of the others, namely Tess, Alex and my aunt Isabel TRY to treat me that way, but I'm not Daniel. It's harder to be nice to me than to him. It always has been like that.

Michael still doesn't know that he has a son, a wonderful son. He left and never came back. We don't really talk about him. Max doesn't like it. The only one who sometimes mentions him is Tess. She doesn't care if Max likes it or not. Tess is a strange person. She always smiles this smile which tells you that she knows something that you doesn't. She doesn't like Maria and she tells her that from time to time. She loves it to make Max angry. Then her smile grows wider and her eyes sparkle. I'm the only one she at least trys to be nice to. Count me lucky!!

posted on 5-Apr-2002 2:52:50 PM by Lucy
TO: My readers

You can call me what you want Alice, Anna...... you can say Cathy, Doris or James Bond. It doesn't make a difference, you know?
I'm in kind of a hurry. This part is really short, I hope you don't mind...


It was you

I'm burned out and confused. I simply can't stand it anymore. I need some time to think. I need some time away from everything. Away from Max and his guilty looks, away from Serena's pity and away from Maria's freak outs.
She starts screaming when I forget a biology book at the kitchen table, because that's something that reminds her of Liz. She screams when I smile (which I don't do often anyway), talk or act in a certain way.
I need some time away from Roswell and this confusion.
That's the reason I'm sitting here in the middle of the night. I'm waiting for Max and Maria to fall asleep. 'Cause as soon as they are, I'm gone. Just somewhere, away, for one week, maybe two.

I wrote Daniel an e-mail. I miss him. He's my family. My only family. Well, okay, there are Max and Liz who are supposed to be my parents, but they don't count. Daniel on the other side knows what it feels like to be..... well, I don't really know what I am, besides a mistake. Maybe I find "myself" on my journey. Who knows?

I'm looking out of the window at the stars and I can hear it again. I hear screams and I feel pain. So much pain. I can feel it since I met Larek. He lives on Antar and I've known him for about a year now. He visits earth by possessing a human body. It sounds horrible, I know but it doesn't harm Brody, the man he possesses.
Anyway, I met Larek and now he tells me about the war. He says that they are going to be defeated very soon. He says that there are many soldiers that want to fight for freedom but that they don't have a leader and so they have no chance to win this fight. Max should have been this leader. That's the only reason he was sent to earth. He is the one all soldiers would accept as their leader.

But Max won't go to Antar. He is too much human to go away from earth. He wouldn't be a good leader. I know that and Larek knows that too. Max isn't a king and he won't be one. Not tomorrow and not in 20 years.

And I'm the heir. Larek keeps telling me that. He tells me that I could help all these people. That the soldiers would accept me 'cause Max is my father. It's so simple.
Larek believes in me. He's the only one who really does. I'm their heir, their princess, their last chance. He thinks I can be all that, that I'm strong enough.

I would do it, without hesitation. But this war would force me to give up the only two things I'm good at. Do you remember what these things are?
There's no time for dancing in a war. I would have to fight not to dance. And a leader doesn't cry. Neither does a princess or a queen. A leader has to be strong.

I need to get away from Larek. Just for some days.

See you later guys!

posted on 7-Apr-2002 2:45:10 PM by Lucy
TO: My Readers

Hi! I'm back!!! Whoooo!!
It's not strange that you like Tess. She's okay. Just a little bit, well strange......
I'm not evil. *big* Am I? Well, read the next part before you answer this question.

My stories? Well, LUCY wrote "Disgusting" (It's on the repost board) and 'Englishman in New Mexico' (Somewhere at the Imaginative Writing board)

Well, till next time


Better than Roswell, New Mexico

I'm back! Back home? Well, while I was gone hell broke loose in Roswell, New Mexico. Must have been two really exciting weeks here. It's not that my 'vacation' wasn't exciting. Oh no, definitely not, believe me. But what happened here is just.....WOAH!!

I still have to figure out if it changed for the better or for the worse. Well, I'll see, right? Now everything is just so overwhelming. The things that happened here, things that happened on my trip..... and on top of all I'm very tired and nearly everybody shouted at me and, and, and....

They are yelling downstairs. I wish they would stop. Everyone is here and they are just blaming each other for all and everything. Well, except Tess, she's just laughing. I told you that she was strange.

Okay, what do you want to hear first? My story or the story of the others?

We'll start with me. It's easier to talk about right know.
But before we do, you have to know one thing. I don't believe in true love. I never did. I'm not even sure if I believe in any kind of love. I don't go on dates and I never had a boyfriend. But before you ask further no, I'm not a virgin. In fact, I slept with quiet some boys. Most of them had just broken up with their girlfriends, their parents were getting divorced..... crap like that. They don't need me, I don't need them. End of story. I'm not what you'd call an 'easy girl', don't get me wrong. I'm well, they call me a miracle. Call me what you want.

But now back to my story. As you know, I left at night. I was a little bit nervous but who wouldn't be? I just had a small back bag and no destination. It sounds like fun but in reality it's damn frightening. I stopped a car two miles away from Roswell. I know, I know, a girl shouldn't do that 'cause it's dangerous. But hell, I'm Anna Evans, half alien. I'm able to kill with a wave of my hand! Anyway, I got in the car and the driver asked me where I wanted to go. I simply shrugged. What should I have said? I didn't know anywhere to go.
At first I thought about going to Spain. I wanted to see Daniel again. And, I have to admit, I also wanted to see Liz. She IS my mother, even thousands of miles away and not caring about me. The thought about seeing them again made my heart skip a beat. Yes, I'd have loved to go to Spain but I didn't have the money. I never had much money, now that I think about it. That's 'cause I don't have a job. I don't want a job. I wouldn't be a good waitress (tried it once) nor a good secretary.
Larek says that I'm supposed to be a princess and that this is the reason that I can't do any other work. Nonsense if you ask me!

Anyway, no Spain for poor little Anna. So the driver let me out near a town about 50 miles away from Roswell. There I stopped another car and so on and so on. It doesn't matter where I ended up. It was just some town somewhere. I had never heard of it before but there was a festival in this town, a dance festival. Wasn't I lucky? I got to dance a whole week. You know that I simply love dancing.
Yes, you could say that I had a lot of fun. But all you have to know about is the last evening, the last night. It's 'cause I met someone this night I want to tell you about.

Okay, so me and the girls (I met them there. I don't know why I hung with them or they with me. Well, I think they just thought I was cool or something...), me and the girls were joking around about this one guy sitting in a corner, not saying a word to anyone and just watching the people. Anyway, he was much older then us and looked, well, mysterious. I joked that I would get him to dance with me, one word led to another and then I was standing next to him. I told him that I said to the girls that he would dance with me, otherwise I would loose my last ten dollars. He looked coldly and replied that I shouldn't have made that bet.

He didn't look at me while he was telling me that. But I got a close look at him. He was kind of cute. Well, much too old but cute. It was a pity that he didn't want to dance with me. Well, I would get my dance, I knew it, but he didn't. Remember when I told you that I know how to dance? Well, I really do and it only took two songs until he joined me at the dancefloor.

I have no clue how we ended up in his hotel room. It's like one moment we are at the dancefloor, next thing I know is that we are lying on the floor of his room.

I got up before the sun rose and all I left was a silver handprint next to the door. I wanted to tell him something. Something about me. Just like he told me that his name was Michael Guerin.

posted on 14-Apr-2002 12:49:36 PM by Lucy
TO: My readers

Hi! Well, thanks that you are still reading this, even if it is, well......
About Max and Liz... I'm not the right person to talk about it. But I remember something Lucy said: "You know that they belong together, I know that they belong together but Anna doesn't. Hell, you are talking about her PARENTS!!!"
So anyway,

You have your tricks, I have mine

I bet you are eager to know what happened here while I was gone. Aren't you? Well, A LOT!

I was gone for what? Ten days? I didn't think that it would change anything. I didn't think that anyone would mind. But apparently they did.

Max freaked out. He went crazy when he noticed that I was gone. I think he thought that he had lost control and he couldn't stand it. Or he couldn't stand the idea of me "walking away". Anyway, Maria got upset about it. Very upset. I don't know what is, or was, going on inside her head. I have no clue. Serena says it has to do with feeling like she was second choice. She always had the feeling that she could never compete with Liz and because of the way Max reacted when I was gone, she realised that she couldn't even compete with me.
Bullshit if you ask me. It's not like Max actually cares about me. But maybe she thinks he does.....

Maria left him. She took her things and moved in with Isabel. Isabel of all people! Well, it was her choice, right?

Max tried to find me. He tried really hard. If I didn't know better I'd say he cares. But he just cares about his control. And he lost it. Completely. The first bit when I went away, the second bit when Maria left him and the rest when he made a phone call to Spain. Yes, he actually called Liz and asked if I was there. Well, as you know, I wasn't.

But Liz didn't like it. She got furious, took some things and Daniel and came here. This one phone call was reason enough for her to come back to Roswell, New Mexico. And she had fled so far away to Spain.

They say Spain is pretty. Well, I've never been there. Daniel says it's wonderful. And he lives there, he must know it, right?
We have had long talks since I got back. We have a lot to discuss. I even told him about the flashes I get every time I get near Max. I shouldn't have done it. He got angry, no, bitter. He was mad and said something about "at least your parents used to love each other". It was then that I realised that he feels like me, just in a different way. He knows the meaning of loneliness but it doesn't make him feel sad like me. Me, who always cries herself to sleep. It makes him feel angry. Angry with Michael for leaving, angry with Liz for sleeping with him in the first place, but most of all he's angry because of this one night back in October, the night I was convinced. "At least your parents used to love each other".

Beloved sunshine Daniel Parker feels like a mistake. If I wouldn't be crying right now I would laugh. At least he isn't an unwanted mistake. At least he gets to live with a mother who loves him.

Speaking about Liz, she's fighting with Max since she got here. Because of me. It's always because of me.
"You are supposed to look after her! What kind of father are you?"
"Well, you shouldn't have left her then. But Miss Liz Parker doesn't bother about these kind of things, right? Leave a child here, take it away again, bring another one! And you call yourself a mother?"
"If I had known that you treat her like crap, I wouldn't have left her to stay with you, believe me!"

Damn, I want them to shut up! I have enough troubles right now!
Larek was about to kill me. He shouted, and told me off for hours, pointing at the stars, telling me stories about the war. He says that I was selfish. Maybe I was. Hell, of course I was. He started to train me. He is teaching me how to become a leader. He is more determined than ever. I'm his princess, his heir, his saving grace. Poor lil' old me.

My other problem is Michael. Maybe I should have told him that he has a son. Daniel deserves a father and maybe he would get one who loves him, who knows? Maybe Michael would be a good father. Well, it's too late now.

They asked me where I had been and what I had done. I didn't tell them. And I won't. I won't say a single word. But that's hard. I'd loved to talk to someone. I thought about talking to Serena but I don't know.....
Or Tess. Tess looks at me, like she already knows something. It makes me feel uneasy. Well, Tess thinks the whole situation is highly amusing. She laughs when Max and Liz fight with each other. And every time she looks at Daniel her eyes are sparkling. Well, that's her. Always laughing about "the mess the others call life".

posted on 17-Apr-2002 11:13:20 AM by Lucy
Wow, Nana, that's so sweet!!!

I would love you to read the story, really. (all the others too of course). Maybe you can give it another try?

And, I'm sorry that I don't update very often it's just that I kind of lost interest in RW. But no, I won't stop writing this story (neither I'll stop with Englishman in New Mexico) 'cause I simply HATE unfinished stories. I try to post at least once a week until May 4th 'cause then I finally get to watch the pilot and hopefully my interest will return.

posted on 26-Apr-2002 12:29:02 PM by Lucy
TO: My readers

Hey Lucky Star (since you seem to be the only one who is actually reading this...)
Things are a little rough here lately. A lot of ...stuff... is going on. But the truth is, this bad joke is my life. Isn't it sad?


Okay, that's crap!
It simply had to happen, hadn't it? I want to get away for a while and all I get are more troubles. Lots and lots of troubles.

It was yesterday, only yesterday, when I thought that everything was going to be okay again. Yesterday we were all at the Crashdown without fighting. We actually looked like we were happy or something. Well, at least as long as you didn't look closely at us.....

Picture this: Max, Isabel, Maria, Alex, Liz, Serena, Daniel, Tess and I, sitting around one table, having dinner and a conversation. I was just like: WOAH, what's going on here? But I have to admit that it was quiet nice, you know? Hell, we even laughed once in a while!

It sounds wonderful, doesn't it? Well, you know me and my life and you know that NOTHING is ever wonderful. Not even good most of the time. So, of course something had to happen. And now everything is screwed up and I'm lost again. I've been crying for hours now and I don't think that I'll stop any time soon.

Do you know what it's like when there is one sentence repeating again and again in your head. Do you want to hear mine? I mean my sentence? It's: It wasn't about me and it will never be. Hell, that even rhymes! And it's pretty sad. It's a bad joke, just like my life. Wanna know what it means? It's something I realised yesterday, at the Crashdown. They were all shouting and fighting and Isabel said that I should do something because the whole thing was about me. It was then that I realised that it wasn't. That it wasn't about me and that it will never be about me.

Okay so at first we were having fun, or at least something like having fun, and then we start fighting. Why? Well, that's easy: Me....... So, Michael came. He said he came because of me. He's a liar.

We were listening to one of Alex's stories when the door opened and Michael came in. Liz and I were the first to see him. Her face fell and mine lit up. I jumped to my feet and my chair fell backwards. Alex stopped talking and the others also noticed Michael.
I wasn't thinking at that moment. I wasn't thinking about Daniel, seeing his father for the first time. I wasn't thinking about Max, loosing control again and I didn't think about Tess, grinning and being amused. All I was thinking was that he came for me.
Well, he didn't and maybe I knew it somewhere deep inside of me. But I wanted to believe that he did. I wanted to pretend a little bit. I wanted to pretend that somebody actually cared.

So I ran up to him and he lifted me up, spinning me around. I laughed a little bit and after that everything was silent. Nobody spoke and no voice was heard. Death glares and hurt looks were directed at us. And Michael? He looked confused and lost, like a little boy. It was then that I realised that he didn't know that I was Max's daughter.... or Liz's. He had thought that I was just some alien that came to earth in a spaceship.

It was Max who broke the silence. His voice was like ice and his face didn't show any emotions. I would have been scared but I had seen him like that before. Not often. Just when he felt the need to be the leader. And he couldn't have handled the situation any other way. Not as a human being, not as a (former) friend and certainly not as Max Evans.

Max started to say something but I interrupted him. I knew what he was going to say. Something like: What are you doing here? Why do you know my daughter. Get the hell outta here.
So I stopped him before he could say anything. I tried to sound convincing and ..... innocent. Innocence was something that I needed at that moment.
"I met him when I was...gone." Max looked at me, hurt shining in his eyes. I tried to apologise, "Just one night."
And there it was again, the silence. I shouldn't have said it. At least not like that. "Just one night" was wrong. In "just one night" Daniel was convinced and it took "just one night" for me to be born.

As I was still thinking about this Liz started to whisper. She spoke in a low voice but we all could hear her. No no no no no no no - and so on. She shook her head in disbelieve. Tess laughed. Of course she did. She always does, remember?
Max grabbed Michael and shoved him against the wall, beating him. Daniel joined him and the others started to shout. I was standing there, stunned. I didn't know what had happened to us.

posted on 5-May-2002 11:09:50 AM by Lucy
TO: My readers

Hi Lucky Star, (and everyone else, if there is someone else)
I don't have much to tell at the moment. Life is a little rough lately. But hasn't it always been like that?
Is it getting worse? Hell, is it even possible for my life to get worse? I just pull through and survive. Sounds simple, doesn't it?


What are you doing at Tess' house?

I have a big secret. Sit down and breath.
I never slept with Michael.
It's kind of ironic, isn't it? They aren't talking with me and Michael has a black eye. But in reality nothing happened.

I would have slept with him. Without hesitation. We were in his hotel room, making out. Or sort of. I already had lost my shirt and he was standing there without pants. And then, well, he suddenly stopped. At first I was very confused. Well, I hadn't been paying attention. I had been thinking.

I mean, Michael Guerin. That was, well, it definitely was something. I was light headed. My world was spinning at that moment. And then it stopped. Or better Michael stopped.
Why? Well, I'm going to ask him that one day. But I think he felt bad. I mean, hell, I'm sixteen. Michael may seems to be the tough guy but that's something he wouldn't do.

Ever seen the film Lolita? It's a good film. Kind of....deep.

But that's not the point. We aren't talking about that, we were talking about Michael and me. By the way, do you even want to hear that?
Anyway, he told me that he couldn't do it. That he couldn't sleep with me. I wasn't disappointed, neither was I relieved. I just, well accepted it. Sounds strange, doesn't it?

So, end of story, we didn't have sex. He fell asleep and I disappeared before the sun rose, all I left was a silver handprint. You know the rest.

Now he's here in Roswell and I was right, he didn't come because of me. He came because he thought we may found a way home. He wants to get away. When he looks at the stars, his eyes are shining. There is this longing in them, I can't even describe it.

He doesn't hear the screams and he doesn't feel the pain like I do. And I don't have the heart to tell him. He is looking for a hide-out, a home, a paradise. I can't take that away from him. I can't tell him that this "home" can't offer him anything.

I'm confused and, as you may noticed, don't really make much sense. But I feel better than before. It seems like I finally opened my eyes and realised that I only have this one life and won't be able to change anything.

So, that's what I found out about myself:
Me, is the fact that my father cheated.
Me, is the result of something that once may had been love.
Me, is a 16 years old bitch, living in Roswell, New Mexico.
Me, is a bad joke.
Me, is the reason Maria and Max are getting divorced. (Well, maybe that's not really true. I'm not the reason, 'cause it's never about me. The reason they are getting divorced is the fact, that there is a Liz Parker.)

Okay, that's enough. Do you want to know what I do all day? Well, most of the time I make Max go crazy. Me and Michael. We are saying things, looking at each other in a certain way or touching. All this things make Max wild. But the truth is, that Max isn't angry because he thinks that Michael slept with me, no, he is angry because Michael slept with Liz. Well, it's not about me.

And Michael saying these things isn't about me either. He simply wants to hurt Max, badly. And he knows what to do. Like yesterday, we were dancing in the living room. No, I'm definitely not talking about formal dancing. More like him touching my hips, moving my shirt up. Max watched, his face blank. He doesn't really care about me, remember?
Anyway, it only took about half a second for Max to go crazy. It's all about a simple statement. "You know Anna, you remind me of your mother...... in many ways."

Liz. That's all what it takes to make Max loose control.

It would be kind of funny, if it wasn't sad. Okay, so Max was about to punch Michael again but Tess stopped him. She had stopped smiling. I'll never completely understand her.
"We are kind of lost here people. We don't make any progress. Hell, what's wrong?"
At that moment she looked older than ever before. She looked like an wise old lady, teaching a lesson of philosophy.

And she was damn right. We should talk about it. We should talk about the fact that Daniel has a father now. We should finally talk about Maria leaving Max. We should talk about Liz and her feelings. About her reason to be here. We should talk about Michael looking for.... whatever it is that he is looking for. And we should talk about me. Me and Michael, me and Larek, me and the war.

And we are going to talk. Tonight. I just have to go downstairs and we will talk about everything, about the future. What will happen to us?
Wish me luck, I'll need it.

posted on 16-May-2002 12:50:49 PM by Lucy
TO: My readers

Hey you,
Thanks for your replies, I really appriciate them.
Nana, I'm glad you joined us. But I have to admit that I don't believe in happily-ever-after. But who knows? I also thought that nobody would read my story.
Yes, Tess is a miracle Lucky Star. A wonderful miracle. I think she is wiser and smarter than all of us. She isn't as emotional as we are. That helps her a lot, me thinks.
I'm sorry I didn't aknowledge you mpls muse. And thanks for your encouragement.
Please write me some long replies.


She's one of us

Okay, we finally talked and now it's all set. The big question is answered. What's going to happen?
It was weird. The whole situation was really strange.

It wasn't like kids making plans about the future. It was more like making decisions, if they are welcomed or not. Well, some of them are really crap. I don't know why we do it like that. Some decisions are surprising.
We have this plan now and we all will take part in it.

Daniel is going to go back to Spain next month. He wants to. And he needs to get away. He isn't really satisfied with how things have turned out. Neither am I but they didn't ask me. I'd love to go with him so we could be a family. I deserve a family, don't I? But they don't like it when I say that Daniel is my family. Max doesn't even admit that we are siblings. That's probably one of the reasons my last name is Evans. Having the same last name would make us a real family and he doesn't want us to be one.

They try to give me another family. Liz is going to stay in Roswell. And that's the surprising part of the arrangement. At first she feared to come and fled to Spain and now she can't let go anymore.
They say I'm the reason that she's staying but they don't even believe it themselves. They pretend they do, but in reality they know that it isn't about me.

I asked Daniel why he is going back, all by himself. He could stay with us, with me. But he wouldn't stand it and I know that. It's just that it is so damn hard to let go.
My brother finally got to meet his father but he barely acknowledged him. I think he abandoned Michael a long time ago. He simply got used to the fact that he doesn't have a father.

Talking about Michael, he's the only one who is free to do whatever he wants to do. He is the one who isn't supposed to be there for someone or take care for someone. I think he'll just disappear one day. Going off to who knows where. I'd like to join him. That would be my second choice. But I don't get to choose. I have to obey the rules and be a daughter. That's my part in this strange plan. Simply being a daughter so someone else can be a parent and Max, Liz and I can pretend to be a family.

Maria and Liz had a long talk. I don't know what they said to each other but they are friends again. Or at least they try to be. Some wounds are too deep, they never heal.
Maria is looking for the meaning of life or something like that. She left everything behind and now tries to make a new start. She told Serena that she didn't have anything to loose and that she was glad she finally had some time for herself. She has my blessings, I hope she finds happiness, I really do.
Now that we aren't living in the same house anymore we get along quiet good. We are not acting like the bestest of friends but you can't blame us. We have a pretty eventful history. At least we try, right?

Liz is going to stay with Max and me until she finds a place of her own. I doubt that she'll ever move out. My parents seem to get alone really good. And that's the reason I'm angry at them. It's all their fault. If they hadn't parted all these years ago, if Liz had simply stayed and hadn't gone to Florida, if they had tried to solve their not-really-existing problems things wouldn't have got messed up like this. Everything would be different and we could live happily ever after.

I'm not happy with the situation but it could be worse. Hell, it already had been worse!
But I just have to look at Alex and Serena and I get back my faith. They found a way to be happy although they also had to live in this chaos. I'm simply amazed by them. I have no clue how they do it. But I'm happy they do. Happiness is rare around here and if you are lucky enough to find it, you should hold onto it...... Wow, that was deep. I probably should consider to become a journalist, shouldn't I?

Well, just if I don't become the leader of my planet. I haven't decided yet. But it's a really hard choice, you know.....
Let's stop joking. I haven't talked to them about the whole Larek thing yet. I mean, I can't just go over to them and say, "Hey folks, I gotta blaze, some Antarians need me to be their princess."
I don't want to tell them. I want this to be my decision. I don't want to discuss it with Max. He can't understand it. He is too human.
But I probably should talk to Michael. Maybe this would make him stay. I don't want him to leave me alone.
What do you think?

posted on 27-May-2002 4:05:15 PM by Lucy
TO: My readers

I'm tired and exhausted. I also feel pretty weak. It's funny.....
Life just goes on. You can't stop it.
So, mpls muse, you are right about Daniel being a lot like Michael. And the whole stonewall thing. I think they even look alike. Their hands. They have both these strong hands. The most gentle hands I've ever seen, felt.
So, that leads me to the next question. Am I in love with Michael? I don't believe in love. And I don't think I love him. It's the lonliness. Mine or his, I don't know.
I won't write much today, I promise there will be more next time.


I thought you didn't believe in god

I'm gonna miss him. Like crazy. I wish he wouldn't go. But I won't make him stay. Daniel needs some time and space. He has to go back to Spain, miles away from me.

We spend a lot of time together. What else should we do? He is avoiding most of the others. He is sort of mad at Liz, not because she is staying, but because he currently realised that she is kind of happy here. He thinks she betrayed him. All this stuff is happening way too fast for him. He needs some time to think about it.

Take your time Daniel, you deserve it. And don't worry about me, I'll survive somehow.

I think I like being with him because then I finally can stop thinking about Larek, Antar and the war. It doesn't matter what I do, my thoughts keep returning to this one topic. I haven't seen Larek for a while now. He doesn't want to scare me. He knows that I am kind of confused at the moment. But the problem is, that the screams are getting louder and the pain gets unbearable.

Like yesterday. Yesterday Daniel and I were lying on a blanket, watching the stars in the desert. We talked, laughed and cuddled. I felt like a little girl and for the first time in my life I was allowed to actually be this innocent child. Just lying there in the arms of my big brother made me feel at peace. I could have stayed like that forever. We settled down and I rested my head on his chest. I could here his heartbeat. It was amazing.

But then suddenly it hit me. The world started spinning and I could hear screams. I felt a rush of pain and it was difficult for me to breath. I choked and gasped, trying desperately to get air into my lungs. Daniel panicked. He shook me and kept repeating my name.
Finally the pain vanished and I took some deep breaths. You have no clue what it is like to feel somebody else's pain. You try to get rid of it, you don't want to feel it. But when it's gone, you feel guilty. Because you know that the other one is still hurting. You know, that it's not over. You realise how selfish you were.

Daniel was pale, he looked frightened as hell. He sat me down in his lap, telling me that everything would be fine again, that he would help me. He still has no clue what happened, what made me gasp for air, and I won't tell him. If I did, he wouldn't go back to Spain. That would be wonderful for me, but he would suffer if he stayed and I don't want him to. He deserves a normal life. At least as normal as it can be for a half-alien.

I can't really remember what happened afterwards. I think I started crying, because of the guilt. I felt like a small girl that was expected to be a leader, that was supposed to solve all the problems on her own. And so I cried, I cried in silence, like I always do.

The next thing I know is that I woke up in my bed this morning, shortly before the sun rose. I was still dressed. I went over and looked out of the window. I could barely see the stars, the sun made them disappear. I blocked out all emotions. I didn't want to feel anything. I needed to think clearly.

And that's what I did, thinking. And I know now, that I'm not ready yet. I'm not ready to be the princess, the leader. I still have to cry so many tears and there are all these dances I want to dance. I'm finally allowed to show some weakness and I'm not ready to give it up. I can't be strong when I have to concentrate on surviving.

This would be okay, nobody would blame me for thinking like that. Not even Larek. He says it's not the right time yet anyway. But he wants me to be aware of the fact that I have to be available all the time. He says that I need to be there, if they need me. He tells me that I just have to believe. Believe in what?

posted on 1-Jun-2002 12:10:04 PM by Lucy
TO: My readers

I hadn't time to reread this part so, well, a lot of mistakes.
I'm glad you are still reading this story. If you want me to stop, just say it. And thanks for your replies Lucky Star and mpls muse!


Tres Diaz

Control and duties. Max definitely knows the meaning of these words. He once was used to do the thinking for others, be the one that was responsible. He still thinks he is but the thing is, that he doesn't know half of the things that are going on. He has other things on his mind right now. He still tries to get used to the new "situation".

I think Liz living with us somehow blocks his mind. I don't blame him. Why should he always take care of things? He made his decision - even though he doesn't know he did. I sometimes argue with Larek about it. I mean, he simply decided that Max wasn't able to be the king he ought to be. Max doesn't know it, he doesn't get to say something.

But I also don't want him to feel guilty. I know what it feels like and it isn't a good feeling. So all he has to do is trying to fulfil this strange plan we made. Leave the rest to me, it's my turn anyway.

It's really strange right now. My parents - hell, that sounds ridiculous! - live in one house. Maria started joking about it. I mean, she's right. It's somehow funny. They are unsure around each other. And around me. Liz always smashes things when she's setting the table or something. And she keeps brushing her hair out of her face. Max doesn't act different. They act like teenagers.

And that's the reason I'm not allowed to be one. Once again, I have to be a grownup. Other teenagers are fighting with their parents about parties, boys and make up at dinner. And I have to entertain my parents because they always blush when they try to have a conversation. So much about giving me a normal life with a normal family.

School - sometimes I forget that it's existing with all the stuff that's going on. But yes, I go to school. Believe it or not! There's this school dance next Friday and today someone actually asked me to go with him. I simply cracked up. I don't go out on dates and school dances aren't my cup of tea either.
It's not like they don't want me to come to these events. They don't even avoid me at school. I'm always chosen as a partner for projects and stuff like that and I'm invited to parties. They seem to like me and some of them would probably even say that I'm popular. Just a little confusing. Hanging around with the adults. But all my grown-up-friends have a good reputation.

My classmates are just a little afraid of Michael and they don't know how to act around Serena. Her being in a wheelchair and all. It's laughable because Serena is probably the most normal person in our little group.
And Michael, well some of them know from their parents who Michael is. They went to school with him and describe him as an outsider, a rebel.

Today he was waiting for me in front of the school. I think my dear classmates didn't take it that well. I was always known as a bitch. Remember that I told you that I don't go on dates but that I also aren't a virgin anymore? Well, that's how you get a nickname like that. I don't really care though. They don't want to insult me, they say it lovingly, some even adoringly.
Anyway, after me embarrassing Billy by laughing when he asked me to the school dance and Michael showing up, putting his arm around my waist and taking me away, there will be a lot of rumours and they will have a lot to gossip about.

Today I nearly told Michael about Larek, the war and our home. I already had opened my mouth but I couldn't say anything. I have to wait until Daniel has left. He can't stay because of me. It would be wrong.

Two days and he'll be gone. To Spain. Serena tries to talk to me about it. She is the only one who knows how much it will hurt me. Well, except Tess, but Tess doesn't care. But as much as I appreciate her concern, I can't talk to her about my feelings right now. I'm afraid if I once start I won't be able to stop and spill everything. Serena is already worried about me, I don't want to cause her more worries. Oh, if she knew what was going on, she'd have a nervous breakdown. She would tell Max and we don't want that to happen now, want we?

Hell, it's unfair! I can't talk to Max, not to Daniel, Michael or Serena. One of these days I'll brake down under the pressure. Until then I'll try to calm myself down with crying and dancing. It can't be that hard, can it? I'll just try to focus on other things. Like Max and Liz and their little play. It's easier during the day. But at night the pain returns and I keep tossing and turning and aren't able to fall asleep.

posted on 14-Jun-2002 11:16:21 AM by Lucy
TO: My readers

it's been a while, I know.....
My life's sort of screwed up, but that's nothing new, right?

So, hi Pixie. You like the story? Good, 'cause for me it sometimes is just pure horror. *sadsmile* Hot cacao sounds great by the way, I would ask my Mum to bake a cake but she isn't really into that stuff.....She is more into flirting with my father right now *sigh*
I'm sure that it sounds funny but believe me, they are unbearable!!
You are talking about love like you exactly know what it feels like. Hold on to it, it's pretty hard to find.

Lucky Star, thanks for bumping this story what? three times? You are just awesome.



My world grew bigger today. I whole lot bigger. I feel free..... and lost. More lost than before.
Daniel left and he's going to be back in Spain tomorrow at 6 am. Liz and I took him to the airport. The others already said goodbye yesterday.

And now I don't have to worry anymore. He has left for good and I finally talked to Michael. Well, talking isn't the right word, it was more like fighting. Michael already had packed his bag when I came to his hotel room. He wanted to go without saying a word. He wanted to leave me. I got really mad.

When I got there, my face was tear strained and my eyes were red. Liz had let me out at the hotel when we drove back from the airport. She told me that she had a bad feeling about it. She didn't want me to be alone with Michael.
I can understand that. I mean, I'm her daughter and they all think that I slept with Michael. And know what? I told her I didn't. Just like that. I never act without thinking but this somehow slipped. Hell, Liz and I aren't exactly what you'd call close. We barely talk. I mean really talk. Of course there's always a little small-talk going on.
So, we were driving on the road and she said that she was sorry and she knew that it wasn't her business but she couldn't stand the idea of Michael and me being alone in one hotel room.
It was a strange situation. I got uncomfortable and so I told her that she shouldn't worry about us, that I hadn't slept with him. She nearly crashed into a tree. I guess my the way I said it sort of shocked her. But she was definitely relieved.

The problem is that I still have to convince her not to tell Max. I don't want him to know that nothing happened. I don't know why, but I feel pretty uneasy about the whole situation. It was okay when they all just assumed that we had had sex. They didn't want to talk about it, we didn't felt the need to talk about it. I really shouldn't have told Liz.

But anyway, I got out of the car as soon as possible I entered Michael's room as he was about to leave. I asked what he was doing and he looked down and said that there had to be something better than Roswell, New Mexico. That he had no reason to stay. Let me tell you, that really hurt. 'Cause I need him, 'cause for me, he's reason enough.
I cry a lot, you know that and normally I'm not fighting with anyone. But loosing Daniel and Michael saying such things was too much for me. I told him that he couldn't leave, that he responsibilities. He looked at me with a blank expression on his face. "I'm free and independent. No one can take this away from me. I don't belong here."

He turned around and was about to leave. I was furious. I was determined to make him stay and the only thing that can affect Michael is Antar. His so called home. He's like a little boy, dreaming about a better place. A paradise.
It's a dream and I wanted to destroy his dream. I wanted to hurt him just the way he had hurt me by saying that he had no reason to stay. Antar - the best place ever.
I laughed in his face. I shouted at him. I told him everything. About the war, the pain, the sorrow and Kivhar. I mentioned all the visits I get from Larek. That there's someone who actually believes in me. Some one to whom I'm reason enough to stay.
He shouted back. That he had never been a real part of the group. That he had always been a burden to everyone. That they even hadn't told him that he was a father. That life wasn't about me.

Emotions. He actually showed emotions. He told me about his anger and his fears. You can't imagine how surprised I was. It wasn't like Michael to be like that. It made me feel special. And even a little bit more lost. Nothing is the way I want it to be. I loose control, just like Max did.

Max, who is currently downstairs in the kitchen, cooking. He is so clueless. He doesn't know anything. And the strangest part is that I feel like I need to protect him. That the world is too cruel for him. We somehow switched places and I'm not the child anymore.

Michael and Larek are talking right now. I think I found a way to make space boy stay.

posted on 21-Jun-2002 12:20:45 PM by Lucy
TO: My readers

It's me. Pretty tired and pretty melancholic but other than that...
So let's go on with the story. We aren't making much progress right now, are we? Well, I'm glad you are still reading 'cause otherwise I'd be pretty depressed.


You are who you choose to be

I lost him. I lost him because I wanted him to stay so badly. And now he's obsessed with one thing. Something he only knows because of me. It's my own fault and that's the most painful part. The knowledge that I have to be blamed is tearing me apart. I want to be mad at myself but that doesn't really work.

I can take pressure. It's hard, but I can normally take it. But now it's Michael who tells me that I have to do something. And with him, it's different. I can feel his yearning for a better place, a home. I can understand that he wants to free Antar. Really, so do I. I want these people to be free and to live happily ever after but that doesn't mean that I jump into the next spaceship and go off to I place I've never seen.

Michael sees himself as first in command. That's what Larek says he was back on Antar. You should have seen Michael. His eyes were shining and he looked so happy. His duty, his purpose. He finally found something that can give him happiness. I couldn't give it to him, neither could Maria or Liz, or Daniel. Love isn't what he was looking for all his life. It's this, whatever "this" is.

It's my duty too. At least that's what he says. I disagree. I disagree about most things concerning our home planet. He has everything already planed out, spends lots of time with Larek and reads books about strategy and war. That's him, his true self.
Larek is euphoric. Finally he found someone who isn't uncertain about the whole situation. He found someone who also tells me to be a leader. And that's the pressure I was talking about. The pressure I can't take.

Serena wants to take me on a trip to San Francisco. She is a little bit worried about my well-being. She says I look weak and pale. It's no surprise though, it's extremely hot these days, I nearly never sleep and my emotions are going overdrive.
But Max won't let me go. I think he is afraid what might happen when he and Liz are alone for several days. Of course he doesn't say it like that. He just talks about "rules" and "being a normal teenager". Well, if he says so....

I'm waiting for an e-mail from Daniel. He seems so far away. I miss him like hell but I try to ignore it. It's easier that way.
He doesn't seem to care anymore. All his mails are casual, about unimportant stuff. He is disinterested. He tries to not think about us. But I think that he feels sorry for me, that he pities me. Or at least he thinks that he does. He feels sorry because I have to put up with all this crap here while he can enjoy his freedom, thousands of miles away. But truth is, that he also feels lonely all by himself. And therefore he envies me. For having everyone around.

There's no reason for that, you know? I feel pretty damn lonely too. A different kind of loneliness, but loneliness nonetheless. I yearn for someone to talk to, I mean really talk to. I yearn for someone who wraps his arms around me and tells me that everything is going to be okay. I yearn for the brother I let leave for good.
I have this feeling that I'll never see him again and that scares me. I want things to change. I want him to come back, I want Larek to shut up, I want Antar to be free, I want Liz and Max to get things straight and I want everyone else to stop sitting around and doing nothing, It's nearly like they are all waiting for something big to happen, they have just no clue what.

Getting drunk sounds like a good option right now. Even crying isn't as good as it used to be and it's been a long time since I got the opportunity to dance. So getting drunk is probably my chance to get outta here....... at least for a while. Let them think what they want, do what they want, when I'm drunk I don't have to think about it.

But lil' Anna Evans doesn't drink alcohol. She is always there for the others, she nearly forgot how to act selfish. It was a big mistake, I should have settled my world around me, not the others. They also just think of themselves, so why can't I? Life's a bitch.

posted on 14-Jul-2002 4:19:51 PM by Lucy
TO: My readers

I didn't get to write for a long time. I'm more sorry than you can imagine. It's just, well, just that I can't seem to get anything right.
mpls muse, I guess you have a pretty good idea about what's going on here, what's going on with me, what my thoughts are. That helps a lot.
Tina, it's okay, I don't like Maria either, Tess is pretty nice but a bit creepy at the moment and Max is....involved in other things.


Gutters. I'm cleaning the gutters.

I haven't seen Michael and Larek all week. I know that they are somewhere in the desert but that's it. Michael woke me up in the middle of the night and told me that they were going and that I shouldn't worry. He said that he would be back soon, that he wouldn't leave me for long.

You should have seen him, he looked so happy. Like a little boy on Christmas eve. He dreamt about "home" since forever and now he thinks it's just a matter of time until he can go there.
He wants to be a hero coming home, save his world, save his planet. Together with me. But it isn't really about me, it's just that I have to be part of this.

I asked Larek why Michael couldn't be the leader my nation is looking for. Back on Antar he was first in command so I can't see a problem at all. Larek said that some of the soldiers doubted his loyalty towards the king. They didn't trust him 'cause he was so, well stone-walled. He didn't open up to anyone.
Larek didn't want to tell me this but if I ask something, he answers. I'm his leader and he obeys my rules, my commands. It scares the hell outta me. If I really go up there, up to Antar, I would be responsible for my actions. I would have to make decisions that would affect all these people. The people whose pain I feel, whose screams I hear. If we loose this war, it would be my fault.

Truth is, it also would be my fault if I stay here. My decisions already affect those people.
It makes me sick. Really sick. It's worrying me. Normally I don't get sick. Neither do Max, Michael, Tess or aunt Isabel.
Do you remember when I told you about Liz's first pregnancy? How weak she was and how she couldn't take it? I'm weak too. And ill and sick and there's this silver handprint on my stomach. It's barely visible, more like a shadow. But still, it is there and I'm so weak that I can't go downstairs without getting exhausted.
And I puke every morning. It's so disturbing that I stopped eating in hope that the puking will stop. I'm completely screwed.

Not that anyone seems to care. Michael and Larek are gone, Daniel still hasn't sent an e-mail, oh and, I nearly forgot, my parents are sharing a room. Surprise, surprise. Well, it's not official yet and they think I don't know but I know nearly everything.
I hope they are happy. In fact, I know they are. Maybe now they can start being concerned about what's going on around them. You shouldn't settle your world around one person. It's too fragile.

At least that's what Tess says. She's more serious lately. She comes by more often and the light in her eyes disappeared. Again, it's like she knows something we don't. I don't like it 'cause I'm supposed to be the one who is aware of what's going on.
Tess comes by and brings pizza or Chinese food up to my room and watches me closely. It's creepy. She makes me feel uneasy. It's like she wants to tell me something and I simply don't get it. It's frustrating - for both of us.

I also think that she knows about Max and Liz. She's reading our thoughts. No, not really, she can't do it but she simply knows it, like me.
A few days ago I realised that she has to be pretty lonely. She doesn't talk a lot to us and she really dislikes Serena. The way she acts and talks, it's like she's waiting for something and she wants to be ready when it happens. She doesn't want anyone to get in her way, so she stays out of their ways.

Loneliness, again, something I know. Nobody, not even Daniel, comes as close to knowing how I feel as her. But she of all people doesn't care about life or the people involved. Or does she? I mean there has to be a reason she comes by and brings food when I'm not eating - even if she doesn't know it. Or probably she does know?

I'm going to bed now, I'm exhausted. Just writing this took all evening. And thinking clearly gets harder and harder. I'm really screwed....
So, goodnight, but first I'll check my mail. Please dear god, let there be a message from Daniel. Please, please, please.

posted on 29-Jul-2002 1:58:34 PM by Lucy
FROM: Lucy
TO: Anna's readers

I'm sorry but Anna won't be able to post for two weeks 'cause I'm going to Ireland and, weoll I AM ANNÁ (sort of) and, yeah......