Stoned Cold

Lopaka Tanu

Rated: R.

Dislclaimer: Clark Bar and the cast of Smallville are for sale at the nearest TV convention. I do not own enough to finance a PT Cruiser (or as I call them hurse hybrids) let alone a TV show.

Summery: I have always wondered what if the creators of superman had actually thought about the effects of Earth's foods and drinks on him. What if things had different reactions than a normal human.

Author's note: The inspiration comes from A Roswell Episode with a drunken yet cute Max and a series Called tales of the Mountie Slayer where a demon gets high from children's chewable vitamins. Laughter ensues.

Archive: Yes please ruin your site with this story. Just tell where and it's yours.

Warning: DO NOT READ THIS FIC IF YOU CAN NOT LAUGH! If you are drinking some thing please set it aside so that you may spare your computer the shower it does not need.


Part 1 Warning: do not operate heavy machinery after use.

Chet walked along the corridor of the school with the brown bag watching carefully for any of his fellow students or any of the pesky faculty. Spotting his buyer, he made his way over.

"So you got the stuff?" The blond boy asked with a smile.

"Yeah you got the cash?"

The boy flashed two twenties. "Let's see the merchandise first."

Chet opened the bag to reveal the contents.

The boy smiled and they exchanged their respective packages. "Nice doing business with you."

"Yeah, just don't expect this to happen again."

"Hey dude have I ever not delivered on our deals?"

Chet glared at him. "Almost every time. If it wasn't for needing the cash I would not even be here now. See ya Whitney, it's been real, what ever." He turned and raced off down the hall.

Whitney smiled as he looked down in to the bag and then out the school window when he heard the voice of his intended victim. "Well Clark, it looks like you are right on time for another lesson in keeping to your self." He turned to the open locker and dumped the contents of the bag in the bottle of soda. "Bottoms up Clarky."


Lunch time that same day.

Clark tilted his head back and swallowed the entire bottle of soda in two gulps. Shaking the bottle for the last drops he whine a bit when there were no more. "Man I hate it when that happens. This bottle was better than the others."

Pete looked at him in amusement while Chloe grimaced. "That is so disgusting Clark." She started. He burped loud and long. "Well not as disgusting as that. I swear you need to stop hanging out with Lex, he is a bad influence on you."

Clark smiled at her condescendingly. "What would you know about bad influences Ms. Raw Raw tamer."

"Hey don't take it out on me if Lana finds the paper more interesting than a bunch of testosterone driven males vying for her affection." Chloe smiled at him innocently.

"Forget it, beside I am still thirsty. I have to get more of that soda." He tried to stand and fell over the bench and landed on his butt. He jumped up and bowed as the other two clapped. As he bent forward he felt a slight discomfort and a moment later the plants behind him were breaking as if in a tornado.

He shot to attention and looked around to see if any one noticed.

Every one was too busy gagging to notice. "God Clark, what are you trying to do kill us with nerve gas?" A guy at a nearby table called out.

"Yeah some body needs to label his ass as a Bio hazard." Another loud mouth student called out.

"Geez Clark what have you been eating?" Not even Pete was immune to the banter.

Clark made a squeaking noise and fled for the bathroom.

When Chloe came to she was surrounded by noisy people going on about Clark's butt and how dangerous he really was. She tuned them out as she noticed the plants behind where Clark had been standing. None had survived the blast area as some jock had labeled it. She agreed with them on that one, it looked as if a bomb had gone off. In fact she remembered before she passed out that there was a small explosive sound similar to a bullet being fired. She smirked, another one for the wall of weird.


Whitney slammed Chet against the lockers. "He was supposed to have get high and make an ass of himself. They were to think he was another addict. Instead you gave me a laxative and every body thinks he gets too much fiber."

Chet put up his hands in defense. "It's not my fault the stuff I gave you was pure EX. I tested it myself. I gave you enough to put him out for a week. How much did you give him?"

"The whole bag."

"Dude, shit. Man you're not supposed to give him but one pill at a time. It's no wonder he didn't have a heart attack." He was silenced as Whitney dragged him around the corner when to people approached.

"Man I heard of Tornado Alley but this is ridiculous. Who ever heard of Hurricane Clark? He has some real problems." The guy pointed out.

The girl laughed. "Come on Pete, you're his best friend, lay off him."

"Okay, no more jokes about old Wind Braker."

"Pete!" Their voices trailed off as Chet started to laugh.

"It sounds as if he got the ass part down." Whitney slammed him again. "Ow!"

"You are going to get me some thing better, some thing stronger. I don't want any excuses..." They were interrupted again as Clark came running out of the bathroom and heading towards the school doors in search of another. "What the hell?"

Whitney walked towards the bathroom and held his breath. He opened the door and Chet hit the floor. "I guess I should have told you how bad he stunk...." He trailed off as he noticed water rushing from every one of the stalls. Upon closer inspection it was revealed all the toilets bases were shattered. He stood there in silence until a voice shattered the calm.

"Fordman! My office now."


Pete and Chloe were walking home talking. "Did you hear Whitney got suspension for cherry bombing the toilets?"

Pete busted out laughing. "No did you hear about the impact craters in the foot ball field, it seems like we had another meteorite shower." He pulled out a rock from his pocket. "This is one of them."

Chloe looked at it and grimaced. "Pete I hate to tell ya this but that is not a meteorite, that's petrified waste."


"Solid crap, you are holding some thing's turd."

"Uhg gross." Pete dropped it like it bit him and started to wipe his hands on his pants. "That is nasty."

"Hey you're the one stupid enough to pick it up."

"Yeah well time to share the wealth." He chased her with the hand he had held the crap in as she ran screaming.


So what ya think? Disgusting aint it. Well you read it, let me know what ya think.

Lopaka Tanu