|posted on 12-Dec-2001 5:20:32 AM|
|Title: NEVER ENOUGH 1/1|
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Author’s Note: So I’m kinda mad at Liz and Max right now, having been watching the Pilot and seeing how it was then and how it is now, and I was listening to some Papa Roach song, and this just kind of came to me. I guess, to me, it’s how Liz should feel after talking with Maria. It's really short, and it's not meant to be like a real story or anything...just thought provoking I guess.
- - -
Max and I are fine. Yeah, when he was off in LA trying to save his son and I was stuck here, in Roswell, making him a care package that I had no clue where to send, we were fine. Even after he missed our phone date and ignored my phone call we were fine. Perfect, great even.
Okay, so things aren’t so great and maybe we’re not fine. And now with this breakup between Michael and Maria, I’m wondering if we’ll ever be fine. With every word that Maria says to me, I’m realizing things. I’m losing sight of the girl I used to be too.
I have sacrificed so much to be with Max. I’ve put my life on the line for him, on more than one occasion. I’ve lied, cheated and stole for him. I almost gave up my freedom for him. I even went so far as to give up the love of my life, my future with him. I was going to lead a life of loneliness and wanting, all because he asked me to. Because his future self was convinced that the world was going to end because we made love and Tess left. I don’t blame him for that though. He had no idea that she hadn’t just turned traitor but that she had always been a traitor. I blame myself because at least in that time line, when I gave into him and made love that night, I unknowingly prevented Alex’s early and untimely demise.
But back to the point, I’ve even come to realize that I’m willing to give up my dreams for him. With every single word that pours from Maria’s mouth, with every single word that I hang on I realize that all the things I’ve ever wanted since I was old enough to want them, I’m willing to just throw right out the window. As if they don’t matter to me anymore. But the thing is...they do.
I’ve found myself looking into the mirror on more than one occasion and asking my reflection who I am. Because honestly, I don’t know anymore. I’m so tangled up in Max Evans, so lost in the selfish, self-loathing, man child that he is, that I don’t even know who I am anymore. The only thing I know is that I love him. I know that on some level he loves me, but it’s not as it used to be. I rarely get to feel loved anymore. He rarely ever makes me feel as special and wanted as he used to. The only thing he cares about any more is his son. And I want Max to find his son. I do, because if he doesn’t he’s always going to be on this mission, this like, impossible mission and he’ll never be the same again. He’ll never be my Max Evans again. He’ll never be mine. But at the same time I don’t. I know it’s horrible of me to say, but part of me hopes that Max never finds his son. That Tess died before giving birth.
I know I said that I’d rather be with him than without him, but lately I keep asking myself which one hurts me more? Would I die without him? No. Would I die with him? That’s quite possible actually, seeing as how danger is like his mistress. He’s always sneaking off to see it. Would I be incomplete without him? Yes. Would I be incomplete with him? Yes, as I said, I don’t even know who that girl is. The one inside the mirror, who looks back at me every time. She looks vaguely familiar, like someone I used to know.
I keep looking into the mirror lately, and wondering. I think back on all that I’ve given up for him, and all that I probably will give up for him, because all he’s got to do is ask me for my help and I’m there. Even though everything with Max is just never enough anymore, I’ll probably still be there, ready to lie, cheat and steal no questions asked all because he asked me to. And I find myself thinking, besides a destiny that never even really existed, what if anything, would he give up for me? What would Max Evans sacrifice to be with me? He just let me walk away from him that day in the desert. He just asked me a few times about what had really happened that night with Kyle, and then he gave up on me and slept with Tess. Okay, so I told him to give up on me, but I never would’ve given up on him. Would he give up his son for me? Definitely not. Would he give up his throne? If he wanted it, no. He would say his goodbyes to me, telling me how much he would miss me, maybe he'll even cry while telling me how he had to save his people.
Maybe I’m being selfish, wanting him to sacrifice something that means the world to him. As I have and as I probably will. Maybe it’s selfish of me to want him to put the same effort into being with me as I’ve put into being with him. Maybe I’m just a selfish girl, but haven’t I earned the right? After all I’ve given up, and all I would give up, don’t I deserve something more? Something better? Because if things stay the way they are now, it’s never gonna be enough.