posted on 1-Jan-2002 2:47:40 AM
Title: Confusion, Betrayal, and Guilt
Author: Psychotic B*tch
Disclaimer: I no own Roswell or the song “Blurry” by Puddle of Mudd
Category: Mostly A/I, but has a little of everyone PG-13
Summary: AU fic, What if there was more to Alex’s death then we think? Also what happened to Isabel & Alex after Prom? This fic takes place after Decrapture.
Right now, I can’t stand my life. It’s so hard to keep these feelings all bottled up inside without exploding. I have different emotions towards everyone and everything.

I’m angry at Max & Liz. Max, I’m angry at because he thinks he can control my life when he should be controlling his own, especially when he slept with Tess (Stupid bitch, Van Buren whore, Wench, ect.). The only reason why I’m mad at Liz is because she took Max back so fast. Max has been an ass to her this whole year and she just takes him back like that?! I’m sorry to say, but Liz has no back bone whatsoever.

I’m also sorry to say this, but Michael has become soft. He’s not Mr. Tough guy like he used to be, but at least he has Maria. They just “cemented” it recently, but I’m happy for them.

Kyle............. a whole different story. We both feel betrayed, but at least he has his dad to comfort him. I have absolutely no one.

I feel sick to my stomach right now. I’m just laying here on my bed thinking about too much that has happened. “I’m turning on the radio.” I turn on the radio and lay back down, not realizing what song is on.

* Everything’s so blurry and everyone’s so fake everybody’s empty &
Everything is so messed up Preoccupied without you I cannot live at all
My whole world surrounds you I stumble and I crawl &
You could be my someone you can be my scene you know that I’ll protect
You from all of the obscene I wonder what you’re doing Imagine where you are
There’s oceans in between us but that’s not very far

* Can you take it all away? can you take it all away?
Well you shoved it in my face----This pain you gave to me
Can you take it all away? can you take it all away?
Well you shoved it in my face

* Everyone is changing there’s no left that’s real
So make up your own ending and let me know just how you feel
Cause I am lost without you I cannot live at all
My whole world surrounds you I stumble then I crawl &
You could be my someone you can be my scene you know that
I will save you from all of the unclean I wonder what
you’re doing I wonder where you are
There’s oceans in between us but that’s not vey far

* Can you take it all away? can you take it all away?
Well you shoved it in my face----This pain you gave to me
Can you take it all away? can you take it all away?
Well you shoved it in my face----This pain you gave to me

* Nobody told me what you thougt nobody told me what to say
Everyone showed you where to turn showed you when to run away
Nobody showed you where to hide nobody told you what to say
Everyone showed you where to turn showed you when to RUN AWAY

* Can you take it all away can you take it all away
can you take it all away the pain the pain you gave to me
This pain you gave to me

I finally realize the silent tears running down my cheeks. I get up quickly and turn off the radio before the next song comes on. I plop down on my bed, I’m now sobbing. “That whole song describes me and what Alex would say to me now. I wish you were here Alex. Oh God, I think I’m gonna puke.” I then get up and run to the bathroom. I’m so overwhelmed with these feelings of guilt, betrayal, confusion and everything that I vomit for 15 minutes straight. I’m now sitting in the corner of my bathroom, my knees huddled against my chest crying. “Honey, are you okay?”, my mother asks. “I’m fine.”, I say even though it’s a lie. “Okay.”

I get up and rinse my mouth out. I look at myself in the mirror. My face is dirty with the runs of mascara down my cheeks from crying, all pale and sunken in, my hair is messy, and ironically after just vomiting my stomach is growling because I’m hungry. I know why I’m hungry I haven’t eaten for almost 3 days, but I don’t feel like eating. I decide to go to bed hungry.

*********************** Dream Sequence****************************

I’m in the middle of a desserted road and the sun is almost set. I look ahead and I notice Max, Michael, Maria, Liz, Kyle, and Jim walking away from me. As I try to yell out to them I notice something different about myself..................I’m eight months pregnant. I yell to them, “Don’t leave me! Please don’t go! I can’t do this on my own!” I’m crying as I say these things. They can’t hear me. I then feel someone behind me, I turn my head and see, Alex. He smiles at me as I’m crying and wraps his arms around me. I feel his hand on my belly and I feel the baby kick. He then says to me, “Leave now or be lonely forever.” Alex then disappears. I’m crying even harder.............sobbing now. “What do you mean?! I’m already alone. I have no one.”
*********************** End of Dream*******************************

I wake up crying, in cold sweat. I look at my clock it’s 2:39 in the morning. I notice my hand instinctively on my stomach, the exact place where the baby kicked in my dream. “I have to get out of this town.” I get up and get dressed. I walk over to my closet, throw a duffle on my bed, and throw only essential items in it. I then go back to my closet and lift one of the floor boards to get my journal (Yes, I do keep a journal.). I look in my bag to see if I have everything I need, there’s one thing missing, my prom picture of Alex and I. I go to my nightstand and look at it for a minute........I grab it and shove it in my duffle. I then creep out into the hallway (making sure not to wake anybody) and to the kitchen. I take out a piece of paper and a pen and start writing..................................

Dear Everyone,
By the time you read this I will already be on a bus headed somewhere far away. I am not leaving because of you, but because of myself. I can’t stand Roswell anymore, too much has happened to me to stay here. One day, maybe I will come back, but right now I’m probably not going to come back until my head is cleared of all this guilt and confusion.
Mom, Dad, I love you with all my heart and I don’t mean to hurt you, but I have to do this.
Max, what to say?, I love you, you’re my brother, but what happened to us?
Michael, Michael, Michael I’m glad that you found someone to love, someone who broke through your toughness. Take care.
Liz and Maria, I know that we were never close, but I will miss you both. Take good care of Max and Michael for me.
Jim and Kyle, thank you for all your help and generosity. I will dearly miss thee. Oh and Kyle, don’t give up.
I must go now before it is too late. I LOVE YOU ALL! Goodbye.

Isabel Amanda Evans

I put the letter on the counter and put the pen away. I look at the microwave, it is now 3: 11 am. I must go or I won’t be able to. As I go out my front door I look back with teary eyes and whisper, “Goodbye.”

I walk a block away from my house to find the taxi I called awhile ago. I get in and the taxi driver asks, “Where to?” “ The bus depot.” After about a 15 minute ride, I pay the cab and get out. I then go up to the receptionist and ask, “What time does the next bus to LA leave?” “Actually there’s one about to leave in five minutes.” I paid for my ticket, get on the bus, hand it to the bus driver, and took a seat in the back. There wasn’t many people on the bus, plus it was 3:47 in the morning.

As the bus is moving I look out the window to see the sign, Now Leaving Roswell. I feel a tear slide down my cheek. After passing the sign I drift back to sleep for the second time tonight.

[ edited 1 time(s), last at 6-Jan-2002 8:59:58 PM ]
posted on 6-Jan-2002 8:58:01 PM
Part Two

*Isabel POV*

I wake up and look at my watch, it’s about 8:30a.m.......... well in Roswell time. Where are we anyway?

*Max POV*

Beep! Beep! Beep! “Stupid alarm clock. I forgot to turn it off last night.” I reach my hand and throw it against the wall. It’s 8:00. It’s too early for a Saturday. “Ah. What the hell, I might as well get up anyway.” Since I won’t be able to get back to sleep.

I throw my legs over the edge of the bed and stretch. Then I hear someone sobbing. “Is that mom I hear crying?” I then put on my pants and go down the hallway to the kitchen. I see my mom and dad crying at the table about something. I go over to them, “What’s the matter, why are you both crying?” “Your sister ran away.”, my dad says. “What?!” “Read.”, my dad says taking the letter from my sobbing mom. “Why?” she says sadly. I read the letter to myself. I don’t know if I should be sad or angry right now. I then look at both my parents with a confusing look not believing what I just read. As I walk back down the hallway with the letter still in hand I hear my mom say, “I hope she does come back.”

I go to my room and pick up the phone. “Hello.”, Michael says in a groggy voice. “Michael.” “ Max, what the hell are you doing calling............” “ Michael! I’m calling an emergency meeting at your place now!” “ What’s the matter Maxwell?”, he says more alertly. “ Just call everyone.” Then I hang up. I then go take a shower and get ready to go to Michael’s.

* Isabel POV*

Finally a pit stop. I really need to get off this bus and stretch. I then ask one of the other passenger’s, “Where are we?” “We’re in Yuma. Another 3 hours maybe until we’re in LA.” “ Thank you.” “No Problem.”

I get off the bus and breathe in some fresh air. I look to a convenient store in front of me. “ Thank God. I’m thirsty.” I go in and I look around. All of a sudden the smell of coffee arises and it must of triggered something because now I feel nauseous. I go up to the clerk behind the counter and ask, “Where’s your bathroom?” “Down aisle 6 and to your left.” “Thank you.” I walk down aisle 6 then the smell of the coffee arises through my nostrils again. Then it hits me. “Oh God.” Now I’m pratically running down aisle 6 and I go left, go in the bathroom, lock the door, bend over the toilet, “Ugh.” then I start throwing up.

*Liz POV*

I’m at Michael’s right now with Michael (of course), Kyle, Maria, and Jim waiting for Max & Isabel to get here. Then Max bursts through the door at that very moment (what a coincidence). He seems angry, but he has this weird look on his face. “Where’s Isabel?”, Kyle asks. “ This is what this meeting’s about.”, Max says. “Well, what’s the emergency that Isabel can’t be here if it’s about her?”, Michael asks. “Isabel ran away.” “ What?!”, everyone says at once. I’m shocked. I can’t believe it. “Why?”, I ask. Max then pulls out a piece of paper and starts reading it aloud to everyone. After he was done, now everyone’s in shock. “I can’t believe it.”, Maria says. “Something must have pushed her over the edge.”, I say. “Why would you say that Liz?”, Max asks. Stupid. I thought to myself , he can be so dense sometimes. “Well think about it Max, it says and I quote “too much has happened to me to stay here”. I mean a lot has happened to her this year, something had to have pushed her over the edge to make her leave.” “After I explicitly told her she couldn’t leave.” “ Actually as I remember it, you threatened her.”, Michael buts in. “Threatened her?”, Jim asks questioningly. “ It had to do with her going to college, I recommend you don’t ask.”, Kyle says. “ Back to the subject at hand.”, Maria puts in. “ What could have pushed her over though.”, Jim asks.

Part Three

*Isabel POV*

“ Ugh.” I say as I get up off my knees and flush the toilet. “God, what’s wrong with me? I’ve never been sick.” I walk on wobbly legs to the sink and rinse my mouth out of that horrible taste,. I then look at myself in the mirror. I look pale and sickly. My hair just hangs there, no volume or texture whatsoever. My whole body feels heavy and I have a stomach ache. “What’s happening to me?”, I ask myself. I walk out of the bathroom and walk back to the front of the store and buy a water bottle. It looks like the bus is about to leave. I better get my ass moving.

I’m last on the bus. I take my seat. The woman I askedabout where we were earlier asks me, “Are you okay? You don’t look so good.” “ I have a stomach ache.”, I say. It seems my stomach ache has gotten worse as we start moving again. “ You sure it’s just a stomach ache because by the way you look, you look like you’re about to pass out.”, she says. “Yes, I’m sure.”, I lie. I give her a weak smile and she smiles back. “Would you like a tum or something for it?” “No, Thank you.” “Okay well if you need anything or just want to talk, just tap my shoulder.” “ Okay.” (can’t she take a hint that I don’t want to talk anymore) She then turns away. (finally!) I would’ve taken that tum in a heartbeat, but for some reason I’m afraid of how it would affect me, it may make my stomach ache worse.

*Kyle POV*

I can’t believe she left. She disobeyed her brother’s commands. Good for her. Isabel didn’t need to take that crap from her own brother. I’m suprised though that she actually had the courage to leave. I hope she does come back cause’ I’m gonna miss her. “Maybe Tess’s betrayal pushed her over the edge.”, I say. “But wouldn’t she have left after Tess’s departure then?”, Maria says curiously. “Or maybe something else happened to actually make her leave.”, Michael says. “Like what though?” “You think it may something to do with Alex?”, Jim asks. “Maybe, because her prom picture was gone off her nightstand when I looked in her room.”, says Max.
Author's Note: Should I continue with this fic?

[ edited 1 time(s), last at 6-Jan-2002 9:01:45 PM ]