Honestly Ok


This is loosely based on the song Honestly Ok, by Dido. This is told from Liz's POV and is post-Panacea. I don't own the song and I don't own Roswell.

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I wake up and I know. I just know. There is no question, no doubt, in my mind that I could be mistaken. I wish I was. I wish I was dreaming, and that any moment Maria, lying beside me, would awaken me. But it’s true. Max is dead. I cannot feel his presence at all.

I feel like a part of me is gone, I feel like I’m dying. Something in me is missing now, something vital.
Max is dead.

I form the words with my mouth, saying them out loud without realizing it. Maria is asking what I’m talking about. I don’t care about her stupid questions and doubts. It’s true and nothing will change that. She can’t make me feel better about it or try to convince me that I must be mistaken.

Max is dead.

He left me all alone. The stupid bastard left me all alone.

And instantly I regret thinking this. He’s not a bastard. He’s the boy who saved my life. The boy who risked his life to save mine. The boy who loved me. Most of the time.

And as I sit here, in "The Rat", with Maria, I can feel my powers building up in me. There’s a slight tingling in my hands, as if they’ve fallen asleep. But I know that if I look down at them there will be green sparks all along them, and that does not happen when your hands fall asleep. It’s because I’m thinking of him. And her.

Max slept with that hussie. He created a child with her. He performed what, in my opinion, is the most sacred act two people can perform together. And they created life. How the hell could he do that to us, to me?

I stand up, trying to wipe the tears from my eyes, but it’s useless, they spill down too quickly, blurring my vision. I stumble to the door and run down the stairs. I can hear Maria calling me, running after me, telling me we should call someone in Roswell to tell us I’m mistaken.

I’m not mistaken, damn it! Max is dead and I am all alone in the world with these stupid powers. At least he left me a parting gift.

I make it outside and suck in the fresh cold air as quickly as I can. It feels good to be outside. I start walking, to where I don’t know, and don’t really care. I just need to walk. Maria catches up to me and starts babbling to me while she tries to reach Michael. I keep walking and she says she’ll come find me if she finds out anything.

As I walk, I’m no longer angry. Now the sadness, the grief, the loneliness is washing over me, threatening to pull me down and drown me. Good. Let it take me. What do I have to live for now? The only thing I had before was Max, and trying to salvage what was left of our quickly deteriorating relationship. Now I don’t even have that.

I sit down on a bench and try not to cry. I know Maria is going to want to talk to me, to comfort me. But she can’t. She loves Michael, whether she’ll admit or not, but she hasn’t lost him. She doesn’t know what it feels like to have your heart cut out of you, to see it torn and shredded to pieces in front of you, to actually FEEL the person you love dying. She doesn’t know, so she can’t comfort me.

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Maria comes back and I realize I’ve been sitting there for almost an hour. She has tears in her eyes as she looks at me, and then she cracks. "I’m so sorry, Liz," she says. And that’s all I need to hear. I pull her into my arms and try to comfort her. I don’t know why I’m not crying now. Maybe because my heart is too broken.

I’m too broken.

I soothe her quietly, smoothing her hair like she’s a small child. Telling her it’s ok.

It’s not ok. He died. How could he die? He’s an alien. Was it Khivar? A skin? Are we in danger. Fuck that. Who cares? I don’t. I’ve got powers now, I can protect myself.

And as soon as I think about my powers, I can feel them surging up and I quickly let go of Maria and point my hands in another direction. A tree in front of me explodes into flames and Maria jumps up in fear. In fear of me. Of what I am now.

And I just wish I were normal.

I just want to feel safe in my own skin, I just want to be happy again

I wish I was normal. And that I’d never had to deal with the whole thing between Max and Tess. I wish I’d never made Max believe I slept with Kyle. Ever since that night, I’ve been lonely. Max pulled back, went to Tess. I pulled back and tried not to show how much he was hurting me.

I just want to feel deep in my own world
But I’m so lonely I don’t even want to be with myself anymore


I wish I could go back in time, back to when things were simple. When the boy I loved, loved me back and there was nothing standing in the way of us being together. No destiny. No bastard child. No future versions of Max showing up on my balcony, feeding me some crap about how the world would end just because Max loved me.

I should have told future Max to go away, to leave me alone. If I’d done that, maybe Tess would have left.

Alex would be alive.

Max wouldn’t have slept with her.

I wouldn’t have these powers.

Max would be alive.

I would be myself.

If I could go back, even for one day, to when things were simpler, less frightening, I’d try to change things, so that the here and now, the present, wouldn’t be like this.

On a different day, if I was safe in my own skin, then I wouldn’t feel lost and so frightened

But I know I can do no such thing. Today is today. Max is dead. Alex is dead. Max has a son. I’m a human with alien powers.

And I’m terrified.

More terrified than I’ve ever been before. What’s going to happen to me now? Will my powers go away? Will I ever have to deal with any more alien crap, or can I finally break free from it, the way I know Maria desperately wants to? Will I ever have normal?

I’m lost. I don’t know what to do, to say, to think.

But this is today and I’m lost in my own skin

-----

It’s been two weeks now. Will the pain ever go away? Or will it at least ever become less? I can’t go on like this much longer.

My powers have gone. Thank God for that. But everyone is still worried about me. They think it’s unhealthy for me not to speak to anyone. Maybe it is. Either way, I have nothing to say to any of them.

Maria thinks I’m angry at her somehow. I’m not.

Michael doesn’t seem to care at all that Max died. Cause hell, now he’s the man, he’s the king. Whatever.

Isabel isn’t handling Max’s death well, but she’s still talking to people.

Kyle and Mr. Valenti are just kind of in shock. I don’t think either of them fully appreciates how Max saved them, even now, when he’s gone. Mr. Valenti saw Max die. I’d think he’d be more upset by all of this.

And Jesse. He left Isabel. She’d been shot and he found out she was alien and he left. Wanna know the kicker? She’s pregnant. He left her and she’s pregnant. Bastard.

My days go by at a crawl. Seconds seem likes hours, one day seems like an eternity. Every night I go to bed, hoping I won’t have to wake up in the morning to face another day. To face the pain and the loss and the confusion and the utter loneliness.

And then I wake up.

And I wish I were dead.

I wish I were in heaven. Maybe then I could see Max, and Alex too…maybe even my Grandma Claudia. Whether or not I go to heaven or not isn’t really important, though, just so long as I get away from this pain.

Have you ever known someone who goes on living without a heart? I am. My heart died with Max. I think he took my soul too.

I’m so depressed…so depressing, that it annoys even me. I wish I could just tell myself to go away, to leave me alone and go lay my problems on someone else.

And I’m so lonely I don’t even want to be with myself anymore
I just want to feel safe in my own skin, I just want to be happy again


I keep telling myself I’m honestly ok, that I’ll make it, that I’m strong. But I know I can’t make it until I feel safe and happy.

I just want to be happy again.

The End


[ edited 1 time(s), last at 19-Jul-2002 6:22:00 PM ]