|posted on 31-Aug-2001 10:57:23 AM|
|Title: Suicidal Silence|
Author: Linnéa. (Chepi)
Disclaimer: I don’t own a thing. So don’t sue. Cause all you’ll get is this old computer (with a very slow conection), a snowboard (which I treasure the most), and my collection of records. Just so you know.
Authors note: Please, leave some feedback to me. Bad, Good?
Summary: This is a Liz’s POV. Sad, Short.
He doesn’t cry anymore.
He never did.
Even thought everyone saw him.
Saw him falling into the darkness. Being captivated by it.
Maybe he did it all for one reason. A reason I still haven’t figured out.
He never came to the funerals.
Never said a word to me. To any of us.
But we could still feel him. Falling deeper by the second. And even if he had tried to go on, it would never succeded. Maybe he knew it all along. Maybe he didn’t.
Cause he doesn’t cry anymore.
He fell into darkness.
Maybe one day I will meet him there. I like to think so.
Sometimes when I look upon the stars. Starring at the same V- shaped pattern as many times before, I can feel his prescens. Like for one second he’s filling my heart just to leave it with a even bigger hole then before.
But I still treasure that moments when I don’t feel so alone. Even for just a second.
Nobody blamed him for what happened.
Nobody stod up to tell him how he could have done anything like that. How he could have let them all die.
But that’s what he thought he saw all along.
I knew he had nightmares. But he never said a thing. He put everything on his own shoulders. Not letting me share his burden.
Yes, I was angry at him at a time. Angry that he wouldn’t let me in. That he was throwing what we had had away. I understand now. Why he felt such need to do that.
I still feel the tears threatening when I think of how the found him.
He had hung himself with a rope. Once so soulful eyes now starring coldly into nothingness. The warm skin on his strong chest now so white and cold.
No note to say goodbye. No nothing.
He doesn’t cry anymore.
I don’t think he ever did.
Even thought I had wanted to die when I found out what he had done, I somehow managed to survive. But that was the hardest thing I have ever lived through in my entier life.
I belive I spent more time by his grave than in my room. I even slept there. Under the stars. Crying out his name, without anyone there to answer me.
I wanted to be mad at him. But with no succes. I wanted him to come back and hold me so badly.
He never came.
I am married now.
But it’s moments like this when I know that I’m acctualy cheating on my husband. Always had. I have cheated him on the love I pretend to be giving him. But when we are lying as one in the middle of the night. And he tells me he loves me. How lucky he feels to have found me.
Then I lie to him. I tell him I love him.
I never had.
Maybe he knows that. Maybe he don’t.
But I know that the one man which I will ever allow to claim for my love, that man is long gong. He never waited for me then, but I know he’s waiting for me now.