okay...first piece of writing in a long time! So I'm a little freaked out by the response! I'd like to thank Spink for the help and also Gaudy...just for being her! She lives to stress me out, but thats all good! LOL! There's some more notes at the end...This is one of the only places that this actually fits in, so here you go
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“Mum! I’m going for a walk!”

I have to take a deep breath before I step out of the house now, just so that I can be brave enough to take that last step away from my home: my safety. It’s got to the point where I try not to leave the house at all unless I have to. It’s better that way.

Deep breaths Max. Just walk.

I pull my coat tighter to my body, using it as a shield against the cold night air, and also the other people around me. I don’t even look up when I walk, but instead look down at the ground, not wanting to communicate with the strangers walking past me. To me they are just meaningless shells…I don’t want to know them so I don’t care. They could all be skins for all I care. No…I don’t want to acknowledge these people, because then I will have to acknowledge the fact that I am a part of this…existence I guess…that I am really here, am really living this hell that my life has become.

I don’t care about where I am walking, but as always I end up at the Crashdown. I can’t immediately see inside the windows as the condensation has misted up the glass, but taking a step forward, I find I can see the front half of the restaurant, and that is all I need to see the people that I came here to see.

I am able to pick out my sister immediately. She is sitting in one of the booths closer to me, sitting with her back to the entrance, next to Jesse and opposite Kyle and Maria. Jesse’s arm is wrapped loosely around her shoulders and I can see that her body is turned slightly towards his… I see that she loves this man through the subtle gestures that they share with each other. Isabel was never one to show her emotions; the way she acted so cold to Alex was proof of that. She loved him deeply but her fear was like a palpable wall between them. And that’s what kept them apart.

As I see the way Isabel seems to continue glancing at him by the way her head moves, and by the way she is idly playing with his hand, I can see that she has moved past that fear enough to let Jesse in. She is open in her affection in a way that she has never been before. I watch as Jesse whispers something in her ear and her head moves to look at him. I can’t see her face, but I can see his, and I know that the adoration shown in Jesse’s eyes is mirrored within Isabel’s own eyes. I can be happy for her…I am happy for her. And I hope that Jesse never hurts her, because the pain of a broken heart should only be experienced once, and she has already felt that with Alex.

My musings shift off of Isabel and on to Kyle and Maria. Maria is talking animatedly, her eyes sparkling as Kyle watched in amusement. She turns to Kyle and smiles; a smile that I haven’t seen for such a long time…since the day that Liz got shot. I continue to watch as Kyle leans forward and kisses her chastely on the lips and I smile for Maria’s happiness. Again, I am glad that she has found contentment with Kyle. She is one of the closest people to me…my best friend. Michael and Isabel are always like children concerning me, Kyle always disliked me, and Liz was always ‘the girl.’ I never got to know Alex that well, but Maria let me be myself, and I will always be thankful for that. When I was with her, I wasn’t Max Evans, leader of the aliens; I was just Max, 17 year old schoolboy who was in crazy love with her best friend.

My focus again shifts to find Liz. I can feel her inside and it only takes a few seconds to find my brunette goddess. I only want to watch her for a few moments…

I have convinced myself that these precious moments will be enough…

She is leaning on the counter, behind it, resting her head on her elbows, and looking around in a bored manner. My little Liz is bored. She reaches up to scratch her head slightly, and I have to fight the urge to go inside. What was I thinking? Watching her will never be enough.

I see her perk up; someone must have called her name, and her head turns to look in the direction of the backroom where Michael has just come from. I see her smile brightly and I am confused.

Since when does she share that smile with anyone but me?

I watch as Michael sits down opposite where she is leaning and leans in to say something. She smiles softly now, and says something back, to which Michael smirks and scratches his eyebrow, a sign I know which means he is either nervous or agitated. It doesn’t seem like he is agitated…

I note how they move closer together and I want to be angry. But it doesn’t even look like they are doing it intentionally; it seems like they don’t even realise what they are doing.

They continue their conversation for a few seconds and then Michael reaches up and moves a loose strand of hair from Liz’s face and tucks it behind her ear. She smiles slightly, blushing when Michael’s hand lingers, caressing her cheek.

My emotions engulf me and I have to take a step back to prevent myself from being physically sick.

Love, hate, fear, confusion, anger, regret, resentment and gut wrenching grief all throb through my veins passionately as I stumble and almost fall under the onslaught.

But even now I still can’t tear my eyes away from the scene.

Shit! Liz must still feel the connection between us cause she’s suddenly stood up stony and turned to face me. Our eyes lock on each other’s and I can see the wall she has built around herself…

Just for me.

She blinks once, not taking notice of Michael who is now stoking her arms to try and get her out of the hypnosis she is under. Michael doesn’t know what’s going on, he doesn’t know that I am out here, under the same hypnosis as she.

Please don’t think of me
If you do you gotta block it


And then, like that, it stops. Her blank look turns to one of cold hatred. Isn’t hatred passionate? I see no passion in Liz Parker’s eyes. I do not see anything but a glare. The times when I have been able to see everything within her eyes are long over…and now…nothing.

I got chills tonight
And you can’t be here to stop it
Im not a parasite
It’s just a lonely night
Tonight


Michael has gone round the counter, and is now grasping her, obviously worried. At her glare he turns to the window, but I have slipped into the shadows and he sees nothing. I see Liz turn, and like a switch, her face softens when she looks at Michael. I see Michael ask her something to which she nods. Michael immediately takes her into an embrace. Michael hugging? Liz buries her head into his chest, and he smiles softly at that, before turning to me.

How did he know?

He looks straight at me in the shadows and smiles sadly. Then his head whips around to the direction where the group are sitting. I follow his direction and I see Maria beckoning them over. Michael looks at me again, and I can see his emotions in his eyes: he doesn’t know what to do. I nod at him, and he nods back. His focus shifts to Liz then, and he leans down to whisper something. She tilts her head up to him, kissing him gently on the cheek. When did that gentle affection stop for me? When was the love she had for me transferred to Michael? Why did I miss it? Michael leads her over to the booth with the others and sits down with Liz in his lap. Why did I take advantage of that love?

Kyle says something to which they all laugh.

I am long forgotten. So I leave.

I walked from a bar
‘Cause they were only laughing
I wished on our star
But they covered it in satin
Im not a gigolo
That’s what I want you to know
Tonight


The rain comes down heavily now. It’s ironic that it’s storming now that the storm I had in my mind has stopped. It’s calm in my mind. And I know why…The king has made up his mind; I finally know what I’m going to do.

Ooh ooh
I’ve hurt you I can see
Ooh ooh
Do you think its not hurting me?


The streets are empty, the sidewalk lamps being the only source of light. I no longer need to avoid people, and so I walk tall, looking around at my familiar surroundings. I walk quickly, my strides are great. I know where I’m going.

As I walk past each of the places that make Roswell my home: the park where Liz and I went to just sit and be with each other, the bridge where Isabel and I went to escape alien ness, they no longer feel welcoming and well-known. The objects are just that: objects. Cold and objective. And the memories no longer warm my heart…they taunt me.

I walk on.

Ooh ooh
The grass aint always green
You know that its hurting me
You know that its hurting me


The buildings stop and the grass fades away into muddy desert. Now the light is coming from behind me, the light from the lamps getting fainter as I continue walking. I am walking towards black…a black that doesn’t seem to end. All I see is rain, and that is getting more and more transparent as I walk away from the last of the lamps. Seeing nothing, I feel and I hear and I smell, and a sense of infinity washes over me. The feel of the rain beating down on me, so cold that it is painful, mingling with the sound of nothingness but the splashes of the droplets hitting the desert, the puddles, me. It’s a sense of everlasting, of immortality. But everything must end. I know that now.

You’ll meet other men
Who will break your heart
If I see you with them
It’s gonna break me apart


I think back to seeing Liz with Michael. I can tell that they will get together…It’s inevitable. And though it pains me to see, they’ll be good for each other. They are almost completely opposite in everything, except one thing: their souls. No matter how much their personality, appearances, beliefs - whatever, differ, they will always have similar cores to themselves. And they will balance. And they will be happy.

I’ve come to my location.

Maybe in another life
We wouldn’t be alone
Tonight


The storm is letting up, clouds moving away to let the moon shine through. As the sky seems to separate I begin to see the stars. Looking behind me, there is simply desert. I can’t see the lights from the buildings, nothing. And everything is quiet. No birds, no cars, nothing, just the sound of my breathing. Looking ahead, there is nothing. Black. I look up to the stars once more, searching for the five stars without thinking. I can’t even live with my dreams of another life where we are all together anymore. Reality seeped in, clouding my perfect pictures of another time when I was happy.

I shuffle my feet up to the edge.

Ooh ooh
I’ve hurt you I can see
Ooh ohh
Do you think it’s not hurting me?


Taking in a deep breath, I realise that this could be my last ever breath. That makes me breathe in and out rapidly. Then I slow down again. Thinking back over the last two years, I see the many times that I went wrong. Again and again I screw up, and I can picture each and every time leading up to today, when I have hurt my family so much that they can’t bear to be near me. I was always too weak. How could I have ever been a king? No wonder we failed.

It’s time.

Building up the courage for the only brave and selfless thing I have ever done is hard. I can no longer wallow in pretence…this is real…this is it.

Fuck! I hear a car coming and I already know it’s the Jetta. Turning, I strain my eyes in the moonlight, and see Isabel, Michael and Liz jump out of the car and run towards me, shouting my name.

It always comes down to those three.

My life…my family.

Turning back to face the pit of nothingness, I take in one final breath and lean forward, my toes peeking over the cliff’s side. I ignore the cold air, and the husky air around me from the rain. I ignore the rain dripping off my forehead and nose and the dampness of my skin. And I ignore Michael’s shouts and Isabel’s screams. And I even ignore the whispered prayer that Liz knows I will hear. I ignore it all.

And I let myself fall.

I immediately regret it, but I know that there is nothing that can be done as I continue to race downwards…to hell?

No…into nothingness.

Ooh ooh
The grass aint always green
And if its hurting you
You know that its hurting me
You know that its hurting me
You know that its hurting me.


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Okay – author’s notes: Max Pov. Max angst. Max death. Pretty clear right? Well I tried to do the impossible… Be sympathetic to Maxwell. If any of you guys feel a shred of sympathy for him after this, can you leave me feedback please? The song: ‘If it’s hurting you’ is by Robbie Williams…