posted on 25-Oct-2002 4:20:37 PM



NARRATOR: The Epic Trilogy, The Lord of the Rings, has enthralled moviegoers the world over but has not been immune to criticism for its all white cast. Therefore, Peter Jackson has retouched, reedited, and recut the Lord of the Rings trilogy to include a minority character… A BIG BLACK GUY NAMED BEN!

[Logolas approaches Frodo and the ring. A Big Black Guy Named Ben steps in front of him.]

BEN: Get away from the ring, motherfucker!

FRODO: Yeah, I like Ben. He keeps everyone away from the One Ring and he's an excellent bodyguard.

[Gimli pats Frodo on the shoulder. Ben steps in front of him.]

BEN: Get away from the ring, motherfucker!

GANDAULF: Oh, he's a wonderful protector for little Frodo, but not the best conversationalist. In fact, all he says is, "get away from the ring, motherfucker."

[Ben is in front of Golum] GOLUM: My precioussssssssss!

BEN: Get away from the ring, motherfucker!

NARRATOR: The Lord of the Get-Away-From-The-Mutherfuckin'-Rings Starring a Big Black Guy Named Ben: Coming this Christmas.

[Ben is standing in front of the flaming eye of Sauron.]
BEN: Get away from the ring, motherfucker!


RELA and GHADA are sitting at the back seats of the darkened cinema balcony the screen is for the moment empty and so are the rest of the seats whihc is due to RELA shubbing off those raving critics of thier fat calculating asses so that they should be able to do somethign more than just stamp ratings on viewer movies....welllllllll the credits are rolling RELA and GHADA are taking notes

Ghada: is Frodo really as short as he looks
RELA: I think that strider guy's hot
Ghada: I think that Logolas guy was kind of useless.....
RELA: I think Pippin and Merry went out like a bunch of little #⊕$⊕!
Ghada: I think that Gandaulf needs a shower and hair dryer treatment
RELA: I think that Samwise guy is gay
Ghada: I think that Boromir guy was a dolt....duh!
RELA: I think Gimli was an unsightly little consistant ⊕#⊕%^!
Ghada: no wonder he was so underused
RELA: I think I have split ends
Ghada: I think I'll have a Smoothie and a doughnut after this is over
RELA: I think I need some new clothes
Ghada: I think .......
some popcorn is thrown at RELA and Ghada they look on and a section of darkness moves as we see Gangly, Byers and Frohike all come in view Frohike falls out of his seat
Byers: can you guys stop thinking too loud or something? we have a report to make on this movie..
Gangly: yeah and we have to be in time to watch the best of cleopatra marathon 2525
Frohike: (gets himself back on his seat ) what are we gonna do after the first 30 mins pass??
Gangly and Byers shrug and go back to taking notes....
Gangly: I think the special effects were radical
Byers: I think that Elf chick was real cute
Frohike: I think long haired men are rough and have hairy backs.
Gangly and Byers stop writing and look at Frohike.
Gangly: I really think Frohike is getting wierd so I exchanged seats with Byers
Byers: I think that Gangly is a moron for thinking that I'm a moron so I exchange seats with him again.
Frohike: I think Gangly and Byers are a bunch of moronic pussies so I exchange seats with both of them and take the last seat although I don't understand why there looking up at the sky
Gangly: thank gawd
Byers: Thank god
Frohike: I think Scully soooo wants me....
Byers: I think Frohike is a real loser of an old wind bag and that the only time Scully had skin to skin contact with him was when she accidently sat down on his hand......
Gangly: I think he hasn't washed that hand ever since
Frohike:I think I don't control the hand it controls me.
Gangly: I think Chris Carter is taking too long to get Mulder off the show and that he should be recplaced by me...because I'm the real star of the lone gunmens gang.
Frohike: I think that Chris carter would replace Mulder with Gangly over my dead no scratch that over Byers dead body or probably Mulders since it's gonna turn up soon anyway.....
Gangly: I think Frohike should be fired on account of his low down pooky ass.
Byers; I think Frohike should be the one killed off in the last season as a reminder that old men pay with there large pooky asses.
Frohike: I think Langly and Byers should be killed off as soon as possible becuase I may have accidently have heard of Gangly's ventures through Scully's lingerie closet.
Byers: Frohike is so dead
Gangly: Frohike is so dead
Frohike: Gangly and Byers are cheeze fuzz
Byers and Gangly: why you little ( Gangly is choking Frohike and Byers has stuck a plunger on Frohike's face and is trying to suck it off.....when Frohike falls dead and we see some light a cigarette glowing and a gun out in front of him
Gangly: Bond? James Bond?
Byers: Christopher Lambert?
Gangly: Cancer man?
Byers: Jhon Revolta?
Mysteriuos Figure: All wrong....I'll tell you once what will happen what can happen if all of you don't shutup!
the mysterious figure comes in view as the darkness clears of off him much like the time it did on the lone gun men and we see Agent Pierce come in view he is indeed smoking and is holding a gun
RELA: Shit!

posted on 26-Oct-2002 3:59:48 PM
Pierce stands up and is now coming down the stairs when he trips and falls face first RELA and Ghada snicker ... Gangly and Byers smother laughs.
Pierce: getting up dusting himself (embarassed)"stop that it's not funny!!"
everyone stops and stares at each other for a second before laughing uncontrollably
Pierce: you guys are dicks!stop that!
Ghada: oh shit I think I just pissed in my pants
RELA: hah ah oh ok Pierce were sorry we won't laugh anymore....
Langly: yeah
Byers: shea rite
everyone looks about themselves for a second befoer losing it once again and erupting into a storm of laughter this continues for a good five minutes until Pierce forgets what they were laughing about in the first place and starts to laugh with them..
Pierce: (holding his stomach) oh mercy!....are yoiu guys here to review the movie too ?
Byers: err yea sure (he hit Gaggly in the gron) arent we gangly ?
Gangly: uhhhh sure he falls down in pain holding his groin singing a lullaby
Pierce: (quitely to Byers) is he always like this?
Byers: only on good days.
Pierce: well then let the games begin (a fire work explodes over his head much like the time when wrestlers come out)
Female voice: shush you! (we see somehting bonk Pierce on his head he sataggers back as hte female come in view with a man who has a never ending monotonous expression...a little light ocmes down on them compliments RELA...Scully is holding a half fruit cake in her hand while Mulder is ...h's standing there
Scully: Fox Mulder
Mulder: Dana Scully
Scully, Muder: FBI! they take out there guns and pose
RELA,Ghada,Pierce,Byers,Langly : Good darned!