posted on 1-Nov-2002 10:04:52 PM
Title: Paint it Black
Author: Lauren
Email: lcoffman⊕cbfoothill.com or LCoffman21⊕aol.com
Author Disclaimer: Roswell and their characters are owned by the WB, UPN and the Roswellian Creators. “Paint It Black” is the creative property of the Rolling Stones.
Rating: R

Authors Note: I'm kinda nervous about posting this fic, so feedback would be GREATLY appreciated!! Thanks! *happy*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Paint It Black

I don’t know how long I had been sitting in my dark apartment. Hours, days, minutes, didn’t matter to me anymore. Nothing mattered to me anymore except for what I had done.

My answering machine, another housewarming present from Isabel, glowed bright red - showing 15 messages. Didn’t they realize that I don’t deserve their sympathy? I didn’t deserve anything except for my fate. Their voices and sentiments, I’m sure, offered absolutely nothing to me. I didn’t need anyone because I should deal with this on my own.

I see a red door and I want it painted black
No colours anymore I want them to turn back
I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes


A soft click by my door jarred the never-ending stillness that I had surrounded myself with. I didn’t care who it was. I didn’t deserve to feel anything. I closed my eyes to enjoy the blackness and placed my head into my palms. No matter what I did, the pain, the accusations didn’t stop from my inner demons.

“You shouldn’t blame yourself.”

I choked out a bitter laugh. “Too bad.” I pressed the heels of my palms into my eye sockets, trying to black out the pain. “Why are you here?”

“I know that you had to bury Pierce yesterday.”

I see a line of cars and they're all painted black
With flowers and my love, both never to come back
I see people turn their heads and quickly look away
Like a newborn baby it just happens ev'ryday


I tried to choke back the rising bile from my stomach. She could be just as blunt as me sometimes. “So.”

She sighed, probably frustrated that I was acting like this. “I want to be here for you.”

“You shouldn’t want to do anything for a murderer!” I yelled as my eyes snapped open and looked at her for the first time. Her chocolate brown eyes matched mine in pure determination.

“You’re probably right, however, you’re not a murderer, Michael.”

“Whatever.”

“This is bullshit and you know it.”

I closed my eyes to the comforting blackness. “Why did they send you over here? To make sure I wasn’t dead yet? To make sure I could be a good little servant for King Maxwell?”

I could hear her chew on her lip before she answered me. “No one sent me here. As far as they all know, I’m in Florida. I’m really staying at my Aunt and Uncle’s in Las Cruses, but I came back to check on you.”

“No reason to check up on me.”

“That’s because you think that you’re dangerous to everyone.” She quickly responded.

Again, I had to force the bile back down my throat. She always understood how I felt; maybe it was the bond we shared after I stole her journal.

I look inside myself and see my heart is black
I see my red door and I must have it painted black
Maybe then I'll fade away and not have to face the facts
It's not easy facing up when your whole world is black


“Michael.”

I listened to the sound of her footsteps come closer to my position on the couch.

“No. Go away.”

“No.”

“Please.” I weakly pleaded.

I could hear her kneel down next to me. “I’m not leaving you.”

“I’m a horrible person. No one should even give a damn about me. Definitely, someone like you shouldn’t.” I whispered.

She leaned her forehead against my leg. “You’re the most honest, decent person that I know.” She whispered back. “I’m not leaving you.”

No more will my green sea go turn a deeper blue
I could not forsee this thing happening to you
If I look hard enough into the setting sun
My love will laugh with me before the morning comes


I pressed my face into my hands harder. She shouldn’t have to see me like this. The weak, pathetic person that I really was.

“You don’t have to be here.”

“But I am and that’s all that matters.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I hadn’t seen her since it happened and frankly, with everything happening so rapidly, it worried me. She should of worked this afternoon, but the Parkers mentioned to me that they given her a few days off of work to help her heal after the tragedy. I wasn’t surprised and patiently waited until after my shift was over to see her.

It only took me seconds to climb up to her balcony and to be peering into her room. She was sitting on her bed, elbows on knees with the heels of her palms pressed into her eyes. Her room was covered with pictures of him, timelines of events, papers.

I see a red door and I want it painted black
No colours anymore I want them to turn back
I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes


A soft click rang out as I unlatched her window and climbed inside her small room. She didn’t move from her position as I walked closer.

“You shouldn’t blame yourself.”

I listened to her weak laugh. “Too late.” She looked up at me with red-rimmed eyes. “I’m fine.”

“I saw how you looked at Alex’s funeral today – you’re not fine.”

I see a line of cars and they're all painted black
With flowers and my love, both never to come back
I see people turn their heads and quickly look away
Like a newborn baby it just happens ev'ryday


“So.” She whispered.

I sighed, impatient that she was acting like this. I mean, this is how I usually acted. “You shouldn’t have to deal with this by yourself. I’m here for you.”

“You shouldn’t. I practically killed him myself!” She yelled as the tears leaked down her cheeks. “It’s all my fault that he’s died!” Her chocolate brown eyes matched mine in determination.

“That’s a line of bullshit and you know it.”

“Whatever.”

“You have to stop.”

“Why are you here right now? Who sent you?” She returned her face into her palms, dejectedly. “I’m sure that Max is concerned, but he has that intergalactic whore to comfort him…

“No one sent me. I came because I was worried about you.” I told her with a sigh.

“You’re checking up on me – there’s no reason to. You shouldn’t worry about someone that as good as pushed him into that truck.”

“I want to help you work though this. You have to understand that you can’t change this.” I whispered to her.

I look inside myself and see my heart is black
I see my red door and I must have it painted black
Maybe then I'll fade away and not have to face the facts
It's not easy facing up when your whole world is black


Her shoulders shook as she pressed her face into her hands harder. “He’s gone.” She whispered.

I slowly walked closer to her, wanting to comfort her in anyway that I could. “Liz.”

“No. Go Away.”

“No.”

“Please….” She whispered in an agonized voice.

I knelt down next to her at the edge of her bed and gently placed one hand on her leg. “I’m not leaving you.”

“I’m a horrible, terrible person. You shouldn’t give a damn about me. I killed my best friend because I told him what he didn’t need to know!” She wailed.

“Liz, you are the most courageous, determined, beautiful person that I know. You were the person that saved my life last summer.” I whispered to her. Her red-rimmed eyes met mine full of the unspoken question. “Yes. You saved me. I couldn’t have made it to today if it wasn’t for you.”

No more will my green sea go turn a deeper blue
I could not forsee this thing happening to you
If I look hard enough into the setting sun
My love will laugh with me before the morning comes


She burst into tears as I gathered her into my arms and held her for a long, long time.

She wasn’t healed, but with time and my love, she would be.

Just like she healed me.

posted on 24-Nov-2002 3:55:08 AM
Hi Guys!

Just wanted to say THANK YOU to everyone who posted feedback, it really means a lot to me! *happy*

*big*

~L