|posted on 23-Nov-2002 7:51:56 AM|
|flames away ashes burn|
Summary: Michael Guerin lost his friends and his baby last year becauseof the special unit not only that but he lost half his sanity and now with new love he's going to Roswell to finish something he and his friends started a quest : TO FIND THE TRUTH!
Notes: Michael isn't in Roswell right now he's somewhere in a city and has never met Maria at all or Kyle or Liz or Sherrif Valenti for that matter....Alex goes to Roswell too ......
pairing : Micahel/Isabelle, Michael/Liz, Liz/Kyle, Max/Tess, Alex/Isabelle,
other people to figure prominantly without pairings Maria De Luca, Agent Pierce, Sherrif Valenti, Topolski(maybe)
Flames Away Ashes Still Burn.....AND THIS TIME THE TRUTH WILL BE FOUND....THE SEARCH FOR TRUTH WOULD HAVE NEVER COST SO MUCH BEFORE
Ocean Of Memories
It's this wind ...... all this while I was fed up of people talking to me and now I come here near the sea because no one say's a word here the wind ..it's hollow in a sensitive way just like my isabelle ..seasons passed ...the moon changed shapes...stars changed direction but I still can't remember how old I am. didn't stop breathing after she left but I stopped believing I stopped thinking and to this day it doesn't feel strange....I shift on the rock I was sitting on the waves keep crashing close to me and I guess I'll be leaving soon beacuse there becomming higher everytime they rebound against large tumors of rocks clasped together infront of the wide ocean mouth ....I can smell the air it's salty..noormal...just like it should be....I don't think these things ever change to bad humans aaren't in the same way or should I say half human's max refused to call himself an alien when he know's who we are no I understand his fear ...but I'm not afraid I just.....don't want to be associated with the literal term it makes enemies ..unforgiving ones looking for thier own future .it's not about changing fates fate it's what meant to be ....I'm not thinking this stuff Isabelle used too... it's the way she bargained her thoughts to keep from losing her mind
I never realized how difficult it was for her to think of these things because I did all the time and didn't see anything too damaging about it but why was it so traumatic for her? she did as good an imitation of me throughout life indirectly trusting practically no one...but it was still so much of an overload that she just went and killed herself?...... I don't think about it but it's something I imagine someone who knew her would say about her or us....we held meaning to each other for three long months in those days we gained lost and found love alike .......... those dreams were true in an untrue way and Isabelle was pregnant with my baby...my baby those words lightened me yet upset her and everyone else....and I understood it was no time to have a baby the FBI were on to us they just needed us to put 1/3rd of a foot wrong into there pavillion and we were done for ..........we werent even involved then ....not exactly with each other .... Isabelle was with some one at school ... me? I was my own league I didn't have parents I didn't need friends all except Isabelle and Max they were my only friends ....Max always said it was the hardest thing I did..... trust them..but I did it for 13 long years ...and then there was Tess she came along ...and started following us around creeping us all out with her knowledge about us...which when I used to think then was immense...it scared us out of our minds but she got close enough to us ......the FBI was always one step behind and there was a hidden camera in my appartment after I left Hank ....things were ok for a while we'd meet at the quarry talk about safety , signals , and trying to reconjure memories of our heritage, origin if any ....but me and Isabelle started having wierd dreams about each other in the desert ..we were together..happy..and in love...with a baby...at first we talked about it ...we had to...it was driving each other insane and I got the feeling Max suspected something when Izzi would go home with me but he didn't know the big reality of anything yet he had Tess and her sickly contagious love to escape from he was busy hiding from her ....and we were busy contemplating the issue at hand which was quite frankly nothing until and unless we did some sort of test to prove it existed that little thread of emotion in our dreams was it true could it be? that I was having a baby....for days we talked talked and made nothing of it she continued to smile and buy clothes with her mom at the Liberty mall I continued to do my regular shifts at the NY cafe .. I'm not sure but one night it had to be the darkest I knew then...Izzi was standing horrified over my bed holding a small object she later told me was a pregnancy test..........oh no....what have I done....shit...it didn't happen nothing happend !! but my out burst was out ranked by her wailing on my tiles about being only 17 bieng in love with someone else being afraid and most of all something that was common knowledge between us we hadn't a clue of what to do....nothing at all...what were we going to do??.....she asked me the same question several times in one night and I ws afraid she was going to lose her cool if I continued nodding and telling her we'll think of something...I was blank..as blank as I am when I go to school.......nothing made sense how did it happen ? when??!...and then she broke into my thoughts like lightning "Max is going to kill you!!...we have to run
"I shuddered what would Max say what would my friend say if he found out I got his sister pregnant intetionally or unintentionally.....we were positively screwed it was 3 in the night izzi looked like hell I felt sick and we were still .......... cluless
I somehow found courage to keep her at my appartment for the night she wasn't tensed she was frantic and in total reclamation of fear as if it was the only thing that mattered and on that I sided with her we looked like funeral witnesses she was still in her black night pajamas I dressed up in black too and we left in Max's jeep she'd driven over and there was a small dent to the front end I'd never sen before .... I kept telling her I'll do all the talking somewhere in the while we were in each others protective embrace she admitted we'd have to tell someone ..Max..and maybe TEss .....and we couldn't waste anymore time talking about it when I suggested to give it a few more days or hours.........we were traumatized I was traumatized by the dark of this night by her crying and losing it all over my floor my stomach felt empty .... hollow .... if there was anyhitng I was afraid of more than any govt agent it was Izzi breaking down..to me she was the only strongest woman in my life yet...and she had the power to positivety all her life and now things seemd so...I'm not sure gloomy ....I drove to there place Max was in the drive way looking confused and worried .... but he quietly relented and got in the jeep when izzi told him grimly that they had to discuss somthing ..now...Tess was in the way we picked her up and the silence was followed by more silence when we reached our secret spot...where usually no one came around to see a group of 4 kids talking in raised or whipered voices ..... my back was aching and my I swalled painfully as everyone got out of the car I just didn't know what to say or how to start until I heard Izzi say out loudly that she and Michael had to tell them somehting they waited I turned and got out of the jeep and stood by her side....I'd have to ..it was my baby after all........
[ edited 4 time(s), last at 25-Dec-2002 11:53:10 AM ]
|posted on 23-Nov-2002 3:47:07 PM|
|I changed the name come on!|
[ edited 1 time(s), last at 25-Dec-2002 11:49:15 AM ]
|posted on 24-Nov-2002 6:54:31 AM|
|Isabelle had dark rings under her eyes which was the first thing Tess inquired but a quick look from me shut her up...it was hard to say and max just wanted me to spit it out he wnated to know what was going on....Isabelle interrupted and started off with our dreams I wanted to crawl under a rock....then she adruptly stopped just before the baby could be brought into view thats when I actually felt brave enough to say...."Isabelle and I are having a baby"...silence.....Max was staring right through us TEss's mouth was opened so wide that you could drive a truck through it........Max couldn't seem to believe he asked me to repeat what I said .....Isabelle took my hand I did take it I was assured from her side what ever happened we would get through it together no matter who didn't approve of it...but I turned away I have a sixth sense about these things and I knew Max wasn't happy about it at all. Then Tess started muttering something about it not bieng possible that it wasn't suppose to happen ...everyone looked at Tess fo explaination of her conflicting remark she answered alright she said the word DESTINY that Max belonged to her and that Isabelle and I belonged together...it was true but we shouldn't have gotten pregnant by dreaming about it ...I suddenly lost it when I saw Isabelle starting to sob because not that I could feel what she was feeling but I had an idea of what it could be like to be trapped in some nightmare that you aren't waking up any time soon. I neared Tess she knew something about this but she didn't tell us?!..Max covered for her and Isabelle called me back to her side so I did retreat becuase I always knew Tess Harding was someon enot to be trusted one of us or not.....how did she find us out in the first palce|
When suggested she explain further she did and she did it very frankly too about how we were mean to be together and that she had no idea how Isabelle could of gotten pregnant unless...we slept together...Isabelle shrieked and I held her back from damaging someone I felt upto throwing more than a mile away from us. Of course we didn't I explained loudly enough for it to start raining ....Max looked as unbelieving as Tess at us I felt lost at what language to use to tell them that we had no sexual connection it was in our heads...Max hadn't said anyhitng since I mentioned the baby ..."Isabelle I don't mean to sound ...don't take this the wrong way but are you sure it's Michael's?.....I started counting prayers
Isabelle shrugged off my hold and took Max by the shoulders shouting at him did he think she was some kind of slut?...I managed to pull her away in my arms she did quiten a little but her pride had been undoubtedly disturbed....who else could there be.?.....it had to be mine like in our dream...she was exausted, dissapointed in her brother and scared. I knew she was becuase I felt her fear too..... but I knew Max wouldn't let her down he scooped her away from me I felt a twinge of soemthing ...jelousy? maybe hatred...I wasn't sure but I was angry with him for not giving us any time to explain on such short notice he hugged her and said several sorries and I told them about the test Isabelle brought with her at night and the reason for her being so secretive about our meetings for the past few days......they listened thought said nothing there was nothing to say teh baby was here to stay...I stared around my self my mind whirring my eyes burned "what are we going to do now?"
|posted on 27-Nov-2002 6:18:37 AM|
|Max looked disraught every morning at school Izzi stayed over at my apartment we didn't really do anything except maybe keep each other from going insane.....Tess was excited about the whole situation I couldn't really strangle her the way I wanted to so I generally steered clear of any place she decided to be.in ..Nacedo ...we had to see Nacedo right now ...Tess contacted him...he said he was on his way...it would take him time he was trying to conceal our existance.............Isabelle and I didn't talk much then again we didn't do anything but stare at each other regrettfully and ocassionaly ask if each other was alright....but we stayed together Isabelle had to tell her then to be boy friend ..Alex..Alex Whitman had to be the first person except me and Max she let in and sweep her off her feet. And now he was angry unhappy to see me with her but kept telling her to come to him if she needed anyhting I thought of saying to him that if she did really need anything that she would come back to me thats what I was there on her side for . it's my baby for god's sake but I relented and kept my mouth shut becuse I realized seeing Alex was the only time she gave a genuine smile if any, because I guess Alex was a genuine person too ...is to be be more precisely and he supported her either way ..... we never thougth of it like that, honestly about being in love or having a baby, sitting on the edge of the bed I used to keep contemplating these thoughts while Isabelle changed into her pajamas it was alright we were already bieng labelled a couple all around so whats the deal? she lets me see her it's her mind....But I guess we got over the gloominess and the denying stage and settled in with minds to raise a child to stay together no matter what. We became detemined how else do you suppose we began talking smiling and laughing again and managed to pull in Max with the flow he was hesitant but willing to stand by our side...Tess was...she was enthusiastic I gruffly shrugged ehr aside one too many times but for reason I wasn't willing to admit ...I really warmed up to her she was over every night at our place making our nights generally more fun then usual bringing over books about pregnancy , videos, my favorite bunch of snacks, she knew how to keep us both....and by the time Isabelle was 1 month with my baby all 4 of us realized, what about Isabelle and Max's parents they'd never forgive me if they found ...infact they'd have me thrown in jail ...... but I guess we werent really meant to tell anyone anything............|
A night came by and it struck our fancy to be outside to the carnival ...now I remember it it was dark..malevolent...and screaming danger the Special unit our apparent life long enemy had decided to make a move on us and we panicked, hell Max panicked with Isabelle no where to be seen when we did find her under scrunty of authorative Men in suits we did our best impression of frozen ice men and were hauled away in the same fashion....it was bad we were in trouble and Isabelle was frightened but we mananged to keep her from letting the unit on to anything about her pregnancy....While there we were confronted with our natural enemy Agent Pierce...he laid out ground rules telling us he knew none of us were going to answer anyhting that simply we were seperated , me and Isabelle ..Max and Tess...they werent delirious but I'd have stopped them if I could from trying to run away so inconsiderately playing into the units plan I had a feeling Max made such a decision in consolation for Nacedo's arrival so that he could save us and they'd already be on there way out ...but they got blown up instead hiding in that damned old soap factory....I hadn't known then. Nothing not a word and probably Iz too we were busy worried about each other I was taken away from her to a different location for 'tests' I fought with what I had to stay by her but 5 men were more than enough to hold still a teenager of my size and strength which wasn't much compared to what I had when we all had our powers the unit blocked it out somehow ...we were hope less and even more so the day came when we escaped before that a fraction of a millisecond I studied Pierce's brilliant grey blue eyes they had something in them ...something had happened...Isabelle's eyes were down cast ....I didn't know what but in two weeks of me being away from her something had happened between them I never understood what but she hadn't been harmed in any way and Pierce seemd more than willing to let us go ..infact for a moment I wondered if it was Nacedo ..niether of us looked behind and I let the past be past we found out about Max and Tess but there was no time to lose he told us the same , Pierce he practically handed us the keys to our freedom with a few seconds of window time to escape but we made it stealing a car and running off to some forlorn desitination. we kept silent for a few days in a way holding a funeral for both Max and Tess there was pain in thier loss ..they were a part of us ..... and our baby ...things just flew by so fast ...I never thought at all that it would be this hard to stay alive...........
|posted on 23-Dec-2002 10:29:12 AM|
|We survived sure for three months doing odd jobs in hilly cafe's, restaurants...not much trouble at all not for Isabelle either , we hadn't decided budgets and niether did we stay in one place for a long time.Gathering up enough money to fill up gas in the car meagre eatables and supplies along with enough to spend a night ni amotel I slept on couches of in the back seat of the car and gave Isabelle the bed I was worried about her and for some reason no matter how far we got away and how hard she laughed her mind was always somewhere else.......for some reason I had a feeling with someone else too. She and I had virtually broke all contact except for bieng mere aquaintances no one could say that I and Isabelle had been friends forever . In those three months we changed .....met people and left them behind... slept with some too...not that we agreed on seeing other people and niether did we consider it safe nor unsafe becuase we both knew we were leaving next morning she knows about the one girl I slept with and I know she slept with soemone though I'm not sure who or when but she had the look I had after I came back that late night from the red headed girls appartment...I didn't make it a point to ask where she went or where she didn't becuase it fed her up at times and she became mad at me throwing things sometimes other wise just going off and not coming back all night I'd watch and wait for her though feeling decent enough to care for her baby atleast she shouldn't have to ahve mood swings like that, I'd even purchased one of those what do you call?.....pregnancy stage books..... while she was moping up the floor I was sitting and reading month three nothign much interesting either way she wasn't ina good mood that day and had developed a good enough bulge under her stomach reading page 29 about development and cravings I stopped when I heard a sickening crash a splat and a strangled cry , she was on the floor,she slipped she was on the floor crying holding her abdomen no one was in the cafe then I was stading over her starnig at my clear hands thinkgin of what to do her cries became urgent every second and then seh suddenly shrieked my name I jerked forward scooping her up in my arms running out to the car panic had blown over head we both knew she lost the baby seeing all that blood on the floor, , we were out of options ...I was out of options I watched her scream and cry her denial about losing her baby I cried with her I wasn't sure about what ...more likely the baby that was suppose to start a family for me . For us. A whole new life we would ahve forgotten anyhting bad ever happened to us just two parents taking care of there new born baby. But we sat in the car with dried eyes trying to listen for any signs of life ...nothing not a thing...as wierd as it might sound life went on we were even more closed off with each other than ever the only reason for us to be together was......I don't know and I'm guessing she didn't know either maybe thats what kept us goign everyday one more reason to look fro a change, but I guess it also gave us one more reason to think or stop thinking which ever came first in Isabelle's case ....it happened so fast....we drifted apart every day, never talking about lives lost of people we knew we loved and wanted. we were still working odd jobs and one night Isabelle came to the back seat of the car with me it startled me how familliar her voice sounded that I hadn't heard in months....they were small words..'I love you Micahel' but they had an effect that single most fulfilling ailment to my life added purely just for me becuase of me and then 'I'm sorry' and left the car I wasn't stunned just letting words sink in and I heard them and I knew that she was leaving I had felt her leaving from the day Max died the day she found she were pregnant each moment we spent together she was leaving just holding up long enough for me. So I ran after her because I realized she is teh reason I never left nor did I drift she gave me a reason to live. I ran even if wind from waves of the sea pushed me back I ran blindly after her because I never said how much she meant to me I tried not to think about the fact that I knew she wanted to leave and I wan't going to try and stop her , why? I don't knwo why I was running after ehr ...something I wanted to know?....it was just that moment of panic where I couldn't decide between what was the right thing to do the thing Max would do no matter what or else just be myself pretend it never happened and drive off?|
but I knew it did becuase I heard the tiny thud down teh cliff I was standing above with an outstreched hand trying to catch something anyhting which was alive....but I found nothing....not even air stayed between my fingers so I sat down looking at her still form hair strewn against face bones bent at odd angles....then I couldn't feel her any longer and felt like I was leaving too.
how did I make it back to the Evans? I don't know but I saw the car I had been driving for the past three months as I got out of it and started to thier door , maybe I was numb from cold and tired I don't know how I drove the entire ngiht and day to get to them I just needed to see seomone alive...anyone alive...the roads I past were deserted and it hit me that we've been we never left the city only drove to the end of it and came back.......
Everything was a blur when the front door opened I found her voice first then her face Mrs. Evans shrieked when she saw me...I hadn't known how bad I looked but she recognised me I'm pretty sure because I heard my name being called more than they'd been asking me several questions for several minutes none of whihc I was able to decipher much from one another I kept staring at the calender on thier wall the marked X. I head once often frantic voices that didn't ask me where Isabelle was and instead had me lay down and covered with something warm.....I woke up to blacks and whites next not really understaning the concept of temporary blindness from a fever as severe as it was in my case but I knew I was still in the Evan household because I could smell her...Isabelle I was in her bed maybe it was the only bedroom they were really able to get me too before I collapsed on them.
night came by and went so did a doctor who stood before trembling parents of Max and Isabelle Evans there friend Michael guerin would recover from obvious vices soon but there were words that he said I didn't hear they didn't make sense to me though "shock...Trauma" what did they mean ? I had no idea I wasn't so sure I cared sitting on the edge of my bed as the Evans continued to fret and bawl apparently they knew Max was dead and Isabelle too....the local news I caught bits and pieces of while switching on T.v said two teenages charred remains were discovered in an abandoned factory which it self had also brust into exlposions and several of them , I.D's were found. a chain was found wiht her name." I swiched it off becuase I knew why 'he' had come to thier funerals a day earlier I did go donw stairs with every one else people who clamied to be her favorite aunts people who claimed to be his best friends in school....I went through the crowd hearing and catchin a few versus of an occasional ' you were friends with them weren't you?", or "how are you" I didn't turn and answer but carried on to the garden they were going to be buried here where they'd always be close to thier parents , Mrs. Evans gave me fresh clothes they were black I put them on and some h ow also got the buttons right.....the chars were in caskets and lowered in the ground it's then I saw 'him', Pierce. He was there too dressed in black and a black over coat we stared at each other for what seemed like hours then the dirt was shoveled in with the caskets.....but we kept staring at each other I'd seen a shadow when I looked up at Isabelle's window rummaging through her desk drawer faint morining light reflected black from the window.before the funerals....he left after the stones were put on them I knew he came for Isabelle but those chars werent from Isabelle I knew that. He knew that.....then why was he here where Tess and Max were bieng buried?...of course the Evans though it was Isabelle and not tess they were putting under the ground with Max....they looked so lost for a moment I was tempted to tell them that there daughter lost her brother ran and hid for three long months lost a child and then jumped of a cliff and that I buried her under these rocks I'm sititng on now near the sea at the end of the city with large dark clouds over head and feverish winds from blows by strong waves maybe it would do them better or they'd get sick like I did...I don't know it was just one thoguht among many small ones.........
I see a car parked not too far away and I know it's not mine at least not the one I drove to here without telling Mr. and Mrs. Evans they check on me sometimes at night but I'll go back soon I just want to be here for a while with her.....I have no idea why they took me in or even why there holding on to me like this.....maybe they're interested in finding out what happened to there sona nd daughter but I can't tell them soemthing I don't knwo I don't know what happedn to Max and yess the same way I don't knwo what happedn to Isabelle but I might get an answer becuase I see 'him' emerging form the black car, he'sstill dressed in black not a surprise that I'm still wearing black too.....I don't get up or turn around to show him I'm startled becaus ei'm not and I have a faint feeling that he;s been there for a long time and has been follwoign us from the time we ran away from the special unit the day he let us leave...he's been following us ....the realization doesn't really shock me like I thought it would for some reason it all fell into place and I had a slight idea of who Isabelle slept with that night I was away from our motel room.
he comes by me standing lookign up and the dark sky and I admire his jawline without looking up where did that come from ? I don't know....
the winds blows his clothing as it does mine and I see that he looks at me as if seeing me for the first time or is it the other way around.
I put a hand on the rock under me and he nods, 'he' knew she was here, but I don't ask him if he saw me putting her under the sand and those rocks...he doesn't ask me what happened but I surprise my self by asking him.
he stares at me for a while dark blue eyes tentively shifted from me to the rock and back at me.There as lazerous as as I remember them three months ago and remind me of a certain geek in school.
I found out without shock or bouts or surprise that something did indeed happen between them within the two weeks I had been hauled away he didn't hurt her they talked and talked and somewhere between clear minded madness and sanity Isabelle confessed the baby wasn't mine it was a certain nerdy boy's with lanky looks and blue eyes that gained her the positive on that pregnancy test, and that within two weeks something had changed between them 'he' became infected with her touches caresses and the need to be close to soemone who was alive. he fell in love with her...in his own way, not that I understand then again how did I fall in love with her didn't seem to different . but I know Isabelle felt immense guilt after her mind cleared she realized the baby wans't mine and she couldn't tell anyone whose really it was they wouldn't understand , thats when she started leaving becuase she knew I'd find out somehow becuase she felt guilty for making me feel guilty she felt guilty for Max and Tess running off and dying because of her she had to pay for it , and she lost it ..the baby. 'he' knew.I'm not sure whta she was guilty about then or now know but I don't understand I understand but I don't want to think about it..she didn't either.... It's strange isn't it? I should have run from 'him', 'he' was still an FBI agent and he was still in the special unit and I was the still only live alien they could have, but I didn't maybe those words he spoke that told me some of Isabelles story did soemthing to me I was numb but now I feel..what do I feel.....Pierce came closer facing me his hair tousled by the wind, sitting on one knee he puts a hand on my shoulder, I notice it. his face is closer to mine "you're close" I tell him slowly "close " he repeats and presses my forehead head against his and kisses me on my lips, it's soft just a touch and he waits drawing back only slightly, 'closer' I think as I touch his face and reach to kiss him back our tongues mingled for a while careful not to become urgent I don't know why we did that maybe it was wrong and shouldn't have happened or that I ahve lost my mind I see a little bit of Isabelle in him as he probably sees some of her in me too. or is it....? but it was just what it was 'a kiss' nothing more than that. Our eyes meet ...hands linger... he leaves after a while when I hear the engine of his car start a little far away...He came here for Isabelle I came here for Isabelle and we both found some of her within each other something stirred up inside me and I guess in a wierd way he showed me that he was still alive and he needed me not to die with her but to stay above the waves and breath , the way we breathed life into each other, that we needed to move on and I see marked difference in my self as I get up off the rock my shoulders have strangely a huge burden lifted off of me. Waves crash urgently lapsing at the rocks none too harshly. The sky's still dark but it'll clear up someday. I know it will, Good bye Isabelle....'he' left Isabelle's locket (the one we found at Marathon, Atherton's) at the place where the chars were found so that it would be belived Isabelle Evans had died with her brother in an explosion ..there reason for bieng there in the first palce?..-unknown to the authorities-....'he's left, I'm leaving too now and I know where to go.
|posted on 24-Dec-2002 9:51:00 AM|
|She's fussing my now ...mother....after several conversations and legal transfigurations the Evans managed to give me thier name , I didn't ask for any of it...but sometimes I felt trapped, wierd why were they doing this ? you could say out of the goodness of thier heart but coming from me it sounds like something else to do with Max and Isabelle not that they mention them too much around me or anything but for some reason I feel like I hear thier names all the time around me and I probably do too, they cleaned out Max's room it's really empty now....expect for the growing no of clothes his parents and filling the place up with , I say his parents because I know I've wanted to have real parents forever, but not like this....Sometimes I creep downstairs to hear them talking about me or the times Max said did Isabelle said that. I stay up at nights wandering through the house not through thier belongings I look up at teh sky and keep staring for hopeless hours, waiting,hoping for what?.....I'm not sure. I need sleep.I need peace of mind thier doctor tells me and the Evans I need to talk about what happened Max's mother squeezes my hand sitting close to me I shrugg and thier faces fall apparently according to them I was making an effort to get better....Get better? am I insane?....the room falls into silence even more apparently I've said my question out loud enough for the doctor to give me this stern glance like I'm a harmful person....I don't care but then Mrs. Evans is sobbing I look over at her feeling this .....fear?....that I've done something wrong?....but all I asked was....well they were certainly treating me like one...as if I was fragile and they were afraid of me shattering...wouldn't be so bad I mutter inconsiderately 'at least they'd give me a reason' , Mrs. Evans sobs harder and I cringe fidgeting with my hands looking at her guiltily I just wished she'd stop that crying because it was hurting my head I felt dizzy and tried sitting with my back against the wall but only succeeded in hitting the ground and passing out.|
I sleep eleven hours a day now atleast now while I'm not in school. Never much of a dreamer but I've been dreaming more often now and of all people I dream of 'him' were both sitting on the rocks near the sea and the clouds are still above us the waves are still crashing against those rocks, he asks me if I'm ok? I say I'm fine and ask him the same question he shrugs as if ok isn't really a word then why did he ask me?....he's standing with his back to me eyes closed listening to crashing waves I ask him why he's here and he shrugs again... I want reaction I want ..I want more than that....I want him to....I want to do....but it dissapears everything and I sit up in bed to see a worried Mrs. Evans holding my pills she pleads me to take them I don't talk back and swallow them convulsively refusing water throwing myself back into a mass of tangled covers she's soothing my hair trying to calm me down babbling about things I'm sure I don't want to know about...I wish she'd stop it...I was feeling sick again.So I get up and out of bed seeing her finally fallen asleep murmuring against the pillow franctically searching for clothes I shakily pull them on and feel relieved that they arent another button up shirt . Jumping into the car and driving away wouldn't be much problem if I could stop shaking but I stop it. I stop the car in the middle of the road , waiting to hear blaring horns I don't .....the roads empty I bury my face in hands and rub it furiously trying to earase any trace of any moisture in my eyes but there burning I swallow the pills drug must me taking it's effect I feel drowsy and I guess I'm no condition to drive anywhere so I leave the car where ever it is and half walk and stagger to a bench closing my eyes....but I can't keep them closed I look up to see black cloud and a sudden blue streaked sky , lightning flashes above me then rain and what do you know? lots of it ....huge splashes on my face neck hair shoulders legs pretty soon I have a feeling I might freeze here like this I force my legs to stand there stiff but I make it to a phone booth, I wonder if it really is raining this hard I can't hear myself ask the adress of whom?....but I hear I loud and clear the adress a want even mutter an inordinate only half coherent apology for calling up this late in the middle of a rain storm...I don't listen to the woman on the other end asking me my business there and if I'm ok over here......what was I thinking then I don't know it just came to me ....
Now I'm standing at 'his' door the rains pouring down the back of my spine frozen I jab a palm on the buzzer. Ring , ring again, and keep ringing until the door opens abdruptly... 'he' looks a little startled to see me here like this but pulls me in quickly by my hand and I drop into a droopy couch it'll get wet but I'm still sitting on it the smell of after shave hit my nostrils he's infront of me dabbing different parts of my body with a towel.I shiver and he asks me if I'm ok I just stare heatedly at him trying to process exactly what I'm doing here the hands moving a soft towel over me stop and I see him go and come back with dry clothes he tells me 'you need to get out of these clothes' I stare I don't really feel like changing but he insists 'you need to' I see him pulling my shirt off and buttoning me up in his it doesn't feel wierd or anything and I have this urge to do something...anything....but I sit back down ...I must be spacing out again becuase I hear him calling out to me asking me what happened?...what happened?....where was I going....he doesn't ask me how I got here though....and he wants to see eye to eye so I look him in the eye breifly that moment made me weak and apparently the red demons in my eyes havent stopped there own charade of tears because I hear reassurances an nothing else .from him.....
it relaxes me his words because he says only a few and I understand them pressed close to him feeling his body warmth....maybe it's becuase he's the only one who actually know's what I know and understands among all people things the way I do or that those were the words I needed to hear from him to quielty admit "I was going to see her again" I don't say anymore he knows , it's ok....but I didn't go I turned around he assures me.after hours the only thing that changes was the size of the couch his chin resting on the top of my head my head on his shoulder I want to be close but for some reason not too close .....then I get up as abdruptly as I did when my desicions become rash. "I'm going to get better" I blurt staring at him challenging him to laugh at the idea but he simply looks non plussed and sits there "then get better"
but I forgot about the pills I took from.....oh...they must be waiting for me......"they'll be worried"...why am I suddenly so worried about worrying them I have no idea but I charge at the door almost too clumsily and he stands up "I'll drive you"
"no" it's just a word and I only said it because .....I don't know why but I want to go alone it's something I have to do 'get better' I keep repeating in my head "Michael, you trusted me once..trust me now"
I face him with grim determination still unsure of my reason of being here at all "I trust no one"
his eyes narrow flecks of gold reflect from the light and settel in his ice blue gaze "don't do this to your self Michael...trusting no one killed all of them...don't make the same mistake"
I balk at his statement I understand what he means suddenly and I know why I'm here why I was restless. we Isabelle Max Tess and me didn't trust each other enough to make the right decisions that's why this all happend of course it makes perfect sense......who would have thought about Michael Guerin understanding something ? I trust him or trusted him whichever comes first ...but I still want to make it back alone ..I want to leave 'this' whatever it is behind I have to get 'better'...so I go to him for the one reason I don't want him to know what im thinking and retreat from the door closer to him approaching him apprehensively ...I don't really feel bold I shiver but I go to him and don't fiegn surprise at him bieng a foot taller than me I pull the back of his head by my hand tilting his face down to me so that I can kiss him , I do....I kiss him deeper than before getting the message across and this time it is 'a kiss' not hungry but just 'a kiss' I pull away taking a small step back breathing faster "thanks" I tell him...for what I don't know. he crosses the distance we have taking my face in his hands tilting it up kissing me a little hard pulling back he whipers "your welcome" and then I'm gone ...I take off running like a bat straight out of hell running as if my life depended on it. back to the car palms sweating I no longer felt frozen I was melted and heated at the same time the moment our lips touched fumbling with car keys I yank open the door get in and drive surprisingly calmly but fast enough to make it 3 minutes before 3 A:M on the dash board the sights fly by without being noticed as if I'm running a race against time as if minutes ticking by would somehow lessen my chances of?.......what....'then get better' I'm sweating now as I pull into thier drive way and I hear the tires screech and Mr. and Mrs. Evans come out looking white faced and worried I gulp and avoid looking at them in the eye I feel the door bieng pulled open before I hear them start talking at once "where were you?!" "did you know how worried we were" , someone Mr or Mr.s Evans was going to call the police...what for I wonder looking at seeing genuine concern but they adamntly want to know where I went this late I try my mind at choosing among shouting screaming or yelling at them but in the end the choice is simple I saw nowhere and the itchy sensation is back in my eyes as they become liquid infront of them for the first time I can't help myself I have to and there was no other way to ask for help if I ever knew, which I didn't so I choked "I want to get better" it's been a month or a month and a half since I talked to the doctor but it sparks thier interest enough not to notice the change in my attire or my unnatural sweating in this weather Mrs. Evans brings me in with all good intentions of a mother "lets get you back to bed" they seem pleased enough with my decision of recovering that they don't ask anyhting more about teh lost few hours but Mrs. Eans notices
"my godness he's burning up!"
Lying in bed I think about what happened understanding why I don't want to let my friends parents know where I had been... doing what, because...they wouldn't understand questions will be asked and I had a nagging feeling that 'he'd' get into trouble because of me.......wierd ....but I know what we did and the scariest thing was it wasn't about Isabelle this time niether of us was thinking about her tonight .... and I guess we wanted each other to know what?..........that we might mean something to each other...it was just 'a kiss' back then too it's just 'a kiss' now too I'm not sure which one of them meant something?....maybe. I don't know and I don't want to think about it ...'he' does though ... yeah I think 'he' does know.
Max's Parents are talking again downstairs something about a doctor in Roswell..Roswell?...that far?...they have relative there?....thats what I hear lying on Max's bed but I can't hear anything else the pills have taken thier full effect well into the night and I drift into sleep with swaying images of a certain blue eyed agent kissing me. "going to get better" I mutter again pulling the covers over me. then nothing...............
|posted on 25-Dec-2002 11:46:51 AM|
|"Alex is going to stay with you"|
They both tell me cheerfully sitting on the breakfast table my bags packed with enough clothes that would usually fill up a whole closet.
I stare at them feeling a knot in my stomach tighten "Alex Whitman? "I ask before I could hold myself back they look like their expecting me to start skipping anytime now
I gesture with weak and both fake familiarity trying my best to smile and swallow unbuttered toast failing miserably at both.
...Alex, Alex the geek...Alex Whitman...Alex the worm...Alex...Isabelle's boyfriend Alex.....Isabelle was pregnant with Alex's baby ...Alex's baby died...he doesn't know ,
Throwing down rest of the toast as soon as Mrs. Evans starts moving around the kitchen trying to earase any sign of early morning having come and gone...I gulp harshly Alex was at the funeral he'd known things....but not everything he knew Isabelle wasn't human but he didn't know the baby was his , and you know what after all this time I feel kind of relieved those dreams me and Isabelle had werent true and it wasn't my baby that died don't get me wrong between you and me it's nothing personal and I'm not saying it was ok for a kid to die that too without the real father knowing about it, it's just that ...well I don't know what I would have done if the baby was really mine... though Alex was aware Isabelle was pregnant he was still on her side , Funeral ....
He didn't acknowledge me I didn't look for him either but I have a faint memory of him standing by looking white and lost...almost all the more lost than Isabelle's parents would have been. but they werent how could they ?they didn't know about Max and Isabelle being 'different' than any other kids..or anyhting even remotely close to what I've seen or how I've seen them end themselves....ok ok...breath I think ...think something good....stop thinking about the dead...calm down I coached myself like this for several weeks like this seemingly it was the only way to let Mr.and Mrs. Evans to let me go to Roswell where I'd find a special councilor dealing with my case he/she has been told of me before hand so I only have to go and settle down with school ...and everything else..normal...good...good for me ..
When I'm sure that I am'nt holding my hands to my ears and that I no longer feel my windpipe closing on me I open my eyes look around relieved to see Mr. Evans having gone to answer the door bell....I sighed putting my head down on the table. Alex...tall lanky...tehn images coem out of a dream I remembered ... strong jawline .... piercing blue eyes.....NO I tell myself ... think of Alex! so this was how I'd get out of here with an angst filled ex-flame of my dead best friend..well shit...I'd rather not face him....what would I say to him??...certainly not, 'hi! how's it going'..I, without my own knowledge have been looking to where Mr. Evans opened the door and after a while closed it he's holding something and looking out of the window I see a car in the driveway ...I see black...it's 'him' .
I rush to Mr. Evans hoping some strange look doesn't cross his face seeing the way I'm trying to hide the fuzzy feeling of anticipating panic the way I am..."Who was it?"
Mr. Evans looks fine and sits down on the couch sighing loudly "go get Diane"
I pause seeing something in his closed fist with a look that say's it's important so I shuffle in the kitchen with slightly burning stomach her back to me I see her doing the dishes she's almost done but I feel impatient and try to think of several different ways of telling her that Mr. Evans wants to talk to her
Seconds tick by and goosebumps cover my skin 'he's' still pretty much in the driveway so I grab the door handle of the kitchen reflexively she knows I'm standing there can't she just ask me what I want ? no of course not since I've done something like this a hundered times over this month.she'd drying a plate it's stark white in color "mom..."
She looks with wide haunted emotional eyes back at me I take a moment to remind myself that I'm pretty sure all I said was just 'mom' but that doesn't mean she damage something at my expense does it?..
Besides I've learnt glass utensils have to have to be the biggest suckers for money in a normal household that is especially if you sepnd alot of your time directing your anger at them instead of people, I mean I don't want them getting poor or anything....
I don't know. but before she could come to me and put her arms around me and get all clingly I move to the door still holding it "uh....dad wants to talk to you" I cringe seeing a large spread of smile eyes brimming with tears she plants a kiss on my forehead and you'd think I was the most adorable personality ever having met with since everyone just wants to kiss me. *oh shut up now I'm not about to start saying that I scare myself sometimes....
I stay at the window watching him circle our driveway...uh thier drive way...and quickly go back to the sitting room where Diane Evans is sharing a moment of grief with her husband holding a certain locket I remember 'he' took from Isabelle drawer before her funeral as evidence "they gave us back her locket" Mr. Evans said looking amazed I see stand awkwardly until encouraged into an even more awkward group hug well atleast it was for me.....but soon as I break away looking for escape they wipe tears and do the throat clearing thing. They hold out the locket to me I look questioningly at it. what do they want me to do?
"Take it with you" Mrs. Evans puts a hand on my shoulder and I keep my gaze on the locket , it was Isabelles , well it is still Isabelle's but they want me to have it...they have a houseful of her memories with Them but I have nothing to remember her so I holding close and run upto my room well Max's room and lock the door suddenly reminencing on not having used my powers for a long any longer than that and I would have forgotten that was I 'different'.
I open up Max's window and a cars head lights flashing ready to leave , I do what I think I don't want to do or that I shouldn't be doing at all I scramble down Max's window outside with the locket dangling from one hand I make my way over to 'his' car and soon as I reach the front door of the passenger seat he gets out startling me, I never knew how different it could feel when you havent seen someone you know for a while a week two weeks actually..seriously.
"Feeling better?" there's a definite smirk in 'his' voice and he looks both edgy and refreshed , merriment sparkles in his dark blue eyes and I realise he looks the same as he did when I saw him the last time but Still better than before and I resist the urge to touch his face ...whats wrong with me ?...
"I'm leaving" I announce expecting.....something..something?....I don't want to think about it.
"So I heard" he leaves the door it slams shut and he leans against the hood of his car . how did he know?...is that why he's here?.....I just try to control my breathing.and refrain from stating the obvious which still is a fact I have just got to advertise "you brought it back"
He frowned looking at the chain of the locket spilling out of my hand "it's not mine" he says simply, I nod but just can't keep my mouth shut can I?...
"You'll get into trouble like this"
I'm not half as sure of knowing what I'm saying as I'm saying it but he smiles a little arrogantly and pushes himself off the hood getting in the drivers seat.
"I'd say the same to you Michael" he said looking placidly aside as I look up the Evans house, heads poke out of Max's window no doubt his parents looking for me, 'he' snickers looking in the review mirror revving up his engine I resist the urge to curse and yank open the door get in and slam it shut muttering to my self his amusements very evident as his mocking voice
"Don't worry about me Micahel"...
And I suppose he's feeling better now...no wonder he's practicing such shamelssly unadulterated pure evil whoa ! putting a hand on my knee and I think of all the urges I've resisted so far through the days and add another one to it that being contemplating yanking the door open and jumping out of his car as he pulls out of our driveway ....yep thats what I call shameless Evil. And the funny thing is if the situation wasn't so seemlessly hopeless I'd laugh myself insane.
He stops driving around town after some time though and settles in a park that seems more or less empty at this hour in the morning. 'He' gets out I do the same because theres nothing else I can do and shove my hands into my pocket swearing silently.
We walk around without saying anything to each other but it's strange our silence isn't uncomfortable there's not need to say much...what ever has been said was a part of my life and his too if you look at it like that , that's sufficiently over...atleast for now.
But I guess we can't just hang around something has to be said. Rules of the nature. I don't know who made them and decided to force them on us but it's a human need and I'm a little bit human too you know? ... so to get his attention as to what I'm thinking I go and sit in one of those swings that has a tire for a seat.
He stands next to it studying me with an expression I don't understand and yet I've learnt to always suspect such people for some reason other than just the obvious...whatever.He's standing stone still bright blue boring into my eyes , my head.....I feel light headed, just a little.
"What!" I snap the swings not even moving, if acting like a kid is what he's trying to critisise me for, though I've always wanted to sit on one of these swings and I find for some reason I've never achieved that goal throughout my sullen childhood, not until now....and it doesn't really feel any different...or better.it's just a swing.
To my greatest surprise he fingers my hair gently trailing my profile nearly upto the side my neck I jerk my head back wards setting the swing in very slight dissaray of motion he smiles and doesn't smirk....Mrs. Evans told me I look better with it spiked so I get it done and don't look at the mirror even when Mr. Evans tell's me I'm beginning to look like my old self again.....
"it looks very nice"he tells me softly...I frown
I could have sworn the look in his eyes is wistful, for that moment and for the thousanth time I'm reminded of Isabelle my eyes flicker and his hand drops settling on a swing next to me. I look on him and he surveys his surrounding, I deciding to break my vows of silence to myself I made subconciously for whatever reason I deemed it necessary.
"Are you gay?" I never knew I had that question in mind either, however he looks up at me a little surprised no doubt with a raised eye brow.
"Why do you ask?" he's smiling again brushing non existant dust from his dark suit.I'm curious of expression because I expected and outright non admittance you know? something primal to a guy like him or his pride. But he's moving the swing slightly carefully on his feet without getting dirt on his shoes.Oh right he asked me why did I ask?...I'm going to say I don't know but pause and think of something different and end up choosing door number 'infinite'.
"It's just a question" I say it trying not to sound indignant not wanting him to get up and leave....
For some reason I have a reason to believe I might be dangerously nearing borderline insanity or am already past it...what the hell is wrong with me?....
wouldn't you say why I'd care if he left, he is just one of those people isn't he?.I don't know how but I just know he's 'that type' ..the type you know nothing about but having this damned need to understand them then sulk when they leave you out of thier lives without letting you even know about it...now why would I sulk if he left??...see? right back to the beginning....
"Would it matter Michael?"I look to see him looking at me we exchange a mildy heated glance ...blue/brown before I answer him "I don't know Pierce" I really don't, and I hope he tells me though...why did I just say his name?...
"My first name..it's Tirone" I guess I know why now....
"oh" I answer and this time I actually sway the swing back and forth clumsily ..but I manage to get a steady rythm ...Tirone...sounds good..it does for some one like him it's an almost normal name.Harmless.
"I think I'm both...." I was expecting that answer somehow, besides I don't see how else he could be with Isabelle then suddenly me right now...wierdest thing is ...it doesn't sound too wierd at all...seriously. I look at him again he's expecting some horrid reaction from me?....I just shrug
"it doesn't bother me" I don't really want him or myself to think about why I admitted that out loud. Doesn't look like it bothers him either...because he nods.
We sway a while longer on the swings the park just recently looked like it was getting inhabited because suddenly people came out from nowhere I was watching this furry brown creature 'a squirrel ' on a tree bark squinting through the sunlight when 'he' speaks up again I almost don't recognise him
"ever wonder why they make those things anyway?" I look at where he's looking with faint interest a bunch of kids running around tossing something in the air it whizzes in each ones direction a blur of blue color , I've seen it before what's it called ?....a frisbe?? I think so.....but what comes out of my mouth doesn't co ordinate with my momentary thoughts which tells me I've been summarily preoccupied since we came here unless we talked.
"Alex is going with me" I blurt out confused with myself for mispronouncing my answer to his earlier questions, he glances with both brows raised. His knuckles are white holding on to the chains that hold up the swing and I hear an unmistakable sigh in his case it's hard to tell if it's regretfull or if it's just a sigh...
"you're leaving" but I do rememebr telling him that I was leaving...he didn't ask he just said it making it sound like I had been questioning myself .as to whether I'll really do it or not..
"forever?" I don't look at him but at the ground I can tell he's looking at me now....
"Maybe" I don't know why I said that...maybe becuase I have a feeling ..this feeling that says...
"I just... don't.... belong any where" I hear him get up the swing sways more now unsteadily he's infront me now tilting his head to a side and he's close real close
I stop swaying and look at him as in really look at him...
He reaches down holding both the chains by my side and kisses my forehead resting a finger under my chin.
"Get better" he says quietly leaving my face and then turns to leave like he came here ...I get up seeing him go and wonder why he's looking like such a stranger to me now when he's leaving until 'he'd' said it I hadn't known I was ploying on possibly of not leaving as I said to go to Roswell.
Such hell I think...hell....damn........
He leaves without me now because he knows I still don't trust him I got into his car because I had to not becuase I trust him and I guess he understands that from the last time I saw him soaking wet at his door....and we don't have to exchange the obvious unpleasantaries of our circumstances....it's ok...and I know why he doesn't actually use the word...because....because he's still denying...something some dillilema of his is still unresolved from that that day and he's afraid of asking me and knowing the answer because I still need to understand what I don't know and 'get better' .
I look around the now crowded park and little girl with shiny blonde hair and huge blue eyes comes to me shyly "can you get it down for me Mr.?"
she's pointing up in a tree I look and reach up detaching the paper thin kite it gives away a sickening tear...oh no.... I probably should have been patient.....The girl's eyes become larger and blood shoot as fire transforms her face huge splashes of tears fall on her cheeks and somehting tells me she's really becoming red faced now. screaming....
seeing her cry like she does , throwing a fit reminds me of something and I feel myself panic looking at her and the torn kite in my hand.....
so I do what I didn't do before and turn away from her resting a palm on the damaged part of the kite putting all the detemination I imagine to be able to muster and my memories,
I heal it..mend it with my powers.
then as if it's the most despondent thing I've done in life I get on my knees and take the girls hands away from her face and show her my achivement and the fire in her eyes leave she smiles a toothy grin taking the kite away from me and before I could get up she gives me a big sloppy kiss riddled with tears...I feel a little light hearted as she goes off running with the kite scouring a less cloud filled sky....I breath....and now I have to go back I think ..they'll be waiting for me.....And I have to leave here to go to Roswell tomorrow ............... with Alex Whitman
Sometimes, for some reason I don't know why
you feel like a stranger to me
sometimes so close that could burn
sometimes so far that the eyes would long for a glimpse
if there is an end to this sea and if you want to walk with me
then give me a sign, sometimes .
|posted on 27-Dec-2002 12:14:53 PM|
|I recommend you guys listen to this song first it sets the mood for the next part you know?…oh and it's not in english a friend of mine gave it to me after reading my story but I got a summary from her of the song which I've given above ….Some times for some reason you seem like a stranger to me……here's the link|
"Boarding flight No. 0166 to New Mexico now…will passengers please proceed to lane 5?"
Shit , I'm late….and I'm pretty dead beat about being late these days it's like my life depends on it now…and then there's Mr and Mr.s Evans looking so pleased with themselves and ….of course me.
I know, there really glad I'm going to Roswell with ..uh …a new outlook in life…..something Mr. Evans said I don't know I was staring out the window , don't get me wrong he's a ..nice guy..but when he starts talking there's no one to get him to stop I don't know how Max could stand him I let out a deep breath waiting unloading my stuff it's not too much….Mrs. Evans wants me to keep a clear mind on board and not worried about other things…those things including packing my clothes for me…I think she's tried to shove a whole closet into one suite case . *sigh and now she's just standing there impatiently her hands look there itching to touch a part of me again like she kept doing last night telling me how much she'd miss me…and that she hoped I didn't forget them etc etc… I'm pretty sure she wants to say 'take care of your self' and 'call us when you get there'…it's time to go and there pretty much waving to me from way over there……..I start to leave loaded my bags into the trolley and I put Isabelle's locket under my shirt …I didn't want to forget it anywhere so I thought it would be a better place to put it…besides it'd be close to me all times…and no one else sees it. Since we got to the airport I've been straining my neck above head to see…something….a glimpse of someone …Now I know I'm crazy….and I really don't wanna admit it…but I'm waiting for 'him'…..pretty crazy huh?…..anyway…they tell me I'm getting late for my flight and I still have to find Alex that's why the Evans are still there waiting to see if he comes in they even handed me a cell phone to carry all the way into the plane I wanted to flush it down the toilet seat and tell them to go home and forget about me…..but I don't …..because it's not what Max would do I guess….and Isabelle she'd have banished me forever if she were alive I'm going to the extent of standing on tiptoes to search for the man but I don't see him….nah I tell myself why would he come here at all…this is one of those impressively newly renovated airports and people could pretty much be standing up a flight of stairs looking down at you…at first I don't see anyone ..but then I turn my head up in the darker section …there 'he' is…it's him alright….sure looks like him.. suit, tie, dark hair ..smirk …yep he's been there for a long time enjoying the little show I've been putting up of playing 'I spy'..the bastard …why can't he come down?…I can't go all the way up there!….I'll be late….now I'm hyperventilating because I have this feeling he means for me to just go and not come to him apparently he didn't doubt that I'd spot him up there or that I'd be looking for him….but I guess he's keeping his distance ….bastard….I finally look to see Mr. And Mrs. Evans starting to look up where I've been strain all of the sudden and I quickly leave my trolley go to them and give Mrs. Evans a nice distracting hug she's pretty thrilled I shake hands with Mr. Evans and start to leave when I see someone and almost fall face first …It's Alex whitman….
|posted on 28-Dec-2002 11:07:00 AM|
|We just sort of stared at each other for a long time .... I could tell Mr. and Mrs. Evans weren't completely clueless they were standing by holding there breaths and trying to be unnoticeable as if they expected some independence day tryist...they waited ..hell I waited...but I guess that impending feeling of doom was only going to actually leave me if I broke the silence besides I was going to be stuck to or with the guy for a long time , I said 'hi' the uneasy you've got my stomach twisted in knots do you know that? kind of 'hi '...He keeps staring....|
thin..he looked thinner than I knew him and blue eyes looked darker it really gave me a familiar blank feeling I don't know about you but I had a feeling he was going to be seeing a certain doctor too in Roswell. I just prayed we both weren't due to see him at the same time or for that matter in the same room together.....The Evans mill around us and as soon as he acknowledges them they hug and shake hands with him ask him how he's doing general stuff if you know what I mean ?...Isabelle and Max don't come in the conversation....he answers in monosyllables but he does answer atleast not like when they first found me. He's over the shock stage... I look up again and this time 'he's' a level down well closer if you know what I mean and 'he' looks pretty amused for some reason and I for one am feeling something ....anger..well something ,like that...if I didn't feel to damn crazy I'd admit to myself I was actually wanting to defend the sick worm with dead eyes in front of me. Like he meant something important to me and I can't have any one bieng amused at the freaks expense......I already said I think I'm mad....but I couldn't help feel responsible for Isabelle's Ex...especially when he's the one that needs the pampering..seriously.
Before I know what I'm doing or maybe I do and I always did....frikkin denial...I make my way over to him dodging other people obviously in a hurry and I silently think I'm going to be joining you guys in a few mintues so don't leave without me.....whatever.
Well here I am and there he is standing like the stalling bastard he is with that stupid grin which for some god awful reason I have a feeling I'm starting to want to remember more often...ok ..stop right there Guerin. I clear my throat and raise an eyebrow coming closer I now he won't get any closer guess he's got his limits....too bad...what? I can be perky sometimes ..I've been reading those books the Dr. prescribed and I have an even worser feeling that I'm sounding like one of those books....ok well thinking..
"I didn't think you were serious about Alex Whitman" he sounds candid and not at all worried about poor Alex and for one I couldn't help thinking he's jealous of Alex for some reason...or maybe he wants to know what Isabelle saw in him which ever the reason was he'd come here to see Isabelle's boyfriend the one who got her pregnant.I look back at Alex and my temporary - permanent parents looking around worriedly for me....I had to go..
"What do you mean?" of course I want to know what he means ....not really caring if it's important I'm stalling for time with him to watch him for as long as I can.....I've gotten used to the idea of liking his physique ...who in thier wrongly troubled minds wouldn't?...he's defninitely taller than me or is he wearing heels..I look down nope..no heels...he's a tall guy...a tall guy with a good body on the bones...shit..stop thinking like that..I scold myself this is serious...I know you'll ask which part? but this is seriously serious.....seriously.
He's more interested in staring at the geek in a green striped shirt and I think I'm going try to give him a little lecture for trying to draw attention to himself ...not that we actually ever had a conversation you understand?.
"What she see in him?" I stared wide eyed at him knowing the questoining was coming but couldn't abandon the feeling..that well something about the way he was saying definitely gave away his disapproval for Alex Whitman . I used to feel the same way when Isabelle started spending most of her time with him and I felt .....left out..so I acted like a jerk whihc then at that paticular time didn't seem jerk-like to me at all. But he was acting like more than just a jerk his eyes had menance and I just had to stop him before his eyes got any darker "leave him alone"
Surprise...his eyes darken
he stares at me as if saying I thought you were on my side.....I take a step forward
"I thought we were on the same side Michael"
uh ok well I didn't expect that either ..what? he isn't that predictable! ok well he's a little obvious but thats besides the point....
"You assumed that just because I became half a retard?"I asked him looking back the Evans are getting agitated shit Max how come you always handled them.?!
his eyes suddenly have that mad glint in his eyes the one you'd see in a captain of a ridiculous football our basket ball team on the brink of winning insanity..I almost saw the light bulb in his brain flashing 80 MHz per second ...no kidding......
"You think he could have supported her if he had a chance?.. think about it Michael not 'would' I mean 'could'"
I shifted on my feet as much as I wanted to be on the geeks side 'he' was right if Alex had a chance and even if he wanted he couldn't have helped Isabelle sure I -would- have- left -the -world -for- you ,speech isn't new to me but still the guy didn't have a chance to help Isabelle before getting himself killed.
what came out of my mouth just was not what I had in mind ...seriously "He cared enough to get out of her way" ...well it was the truth Alex cleared the way for our destiny..
'he' didn't look to surprised infact he was smiling again and I was glad he wasn't looking at Alex anymore and his gaze rested on my face...
"and not out of her life?"
I stared beadily at him something to do with what I didn't know?
"She talked about...him...all the time" he reminced smilingly
I accidently stepped on my toe while shifting on my feet.and fell silent at that no doubt, feeling a little pang of sadness. she talked Alex all the time?
"what do you suppose he has that niether of us does?" He asked looking back at Alex I saw him too staring at us clearly throught the crowd he saw me talking to 'him' alright he could see us talk
"he really loved Iasbelle...as in really"
"and we were doing what?" he asked me staring a this watch what were we doing I'll tell him what we were doing because I've thought about this long and hard...when I wasn't so dizzy...
"I loved Isabelle because I had too...she was my responsibility...you loved her ...because you had to...you needed to love some one like her"
I impressed myself ...wow..I never knew I had so much respect for the worm......Pierce looked enlightened apparently my words had made sense to him he clenched and unclenched his hands finally looking at me .
"Do you love me Michael?" his voice had drawl in it, it wasn't pathetic sounding and I realized he'd probably always be one of those rare people who stay above all and no matter how destroyed they are they refuse to fall down or become stronger somehow I guess thats what's happend to him or it always has been happening to him.
I thought about his question, I didn't have time they were calling the few passengers who werent on board yet ...and I felt trapped again but I knew this was my last chance to say what I wanted to and after this we'd be on our own seperate ways..both of us...I felt panic like the other day when that girl burst nito tears after I pulled her torn kite lose
Paula Rodinski....Michael Evans....Alex Whitman
I went to him grabbed his face and kissed him passionately..if thats what you call tongue - down - the - throat - hands -roughly - in - hair - gesture needless to say he kissed me back not that I doubted he wouldn't ......
and that was THAT, well more like- THAT was it!, I made for Alex running through the crowd of people.never looking back he was leaving I practically felt him...running mouth all warm cold sweat all over ...it felt like the rain again I almost ran smack into another person and took one look at the Evans to keep myself from looking back where 'he' I pushed my trolley next to Alex "Come on !" I shouted and made a run for gate no 5 wanting to get as far away as possible from this place 'him' 'them' and probably myself too.
good bye Michael Guerin and hello Michael Evans.
|posted on 31-Dec-2002 10:33:18 AM|
Well were here and we’ve officially missed the plane literally I’m serious the moment we got out to it the plane was on the runway I still have no idea why they let us out if the plane was leaving but it’s pretty much running on the run way if that’s what planes are suppose to do , which reminds me today was also the first time I’d ever get on a plane and now we were too late …I stood there looking helplessly more like hopelessly trying my level best not to panic because if we don’t get on some plane sooner or later I might have to go home well to the Evans and they might not let me go at all and change there minds about sending me to Roswell……I just had to get out of here so I ran back in not caring whether Alex followed or not his reaction had been next to nothing really he didn’t whine like I remembered him to do so before any of this but I still turn around wave a hand at him “Come on” And I lead the way back inside prepared to glare at the first person who tried to made a crack about our current position which was easily blamable on ……ok so I was to blame too but Alex was late it only gave me chance enough to linger around..known of my fault *sigh* not fair. not fair. at all…but he isn’t exactly blaming me so I’m not too inclined to start playing the blame game yet and I guess he’s curious as to just what can I do. I get us back to the place we said our bye’s to the Evans and look around wildly for tall, pale, shocking blue eyes any where around I know I’m a complete idiot for thinking this but what’s the problem maybe he could do something for us…….I don’t know what…I just gotta find him if he’s here…while I was busy cross identifying each person I could see around upstairs and downstairs I saw Alex out of the corner of my eye getting in line for something I raise an eyebrow at him he holds up both our tickets…….THERE!! ‘he’s’ right there!! would you believe me if I told you that I could just crush him into a hug right then and there ….I know I know…but I’m supposedly not in my right mind remember?…I was glad he hung around but tried to show as less possible as I could of it…he looks really surprised and keeps looking up on those boards that tell you departure and arrival timings of different planes our’s having been just left ..that too without us I see
Alex coming with me seemingly whatever he was trying to pull at the ticket counter didn’t really work so here standing next to me hands in his pockets he was looking Pierce up and down critically but before I could say something
“what the hell are you two doing the planes left?”
I almost punched him what did he think we were doing here playing G.I Joe and Indiana Jones?.
“we were late” Alex said quietly he almost sounded ready to cry I felt …I felt kinda sorry for him then. Like really sorry his voice sounded really tired like he was trying hard not to sleep and still needed it. I
guess he was treated much the same why Mr. And Mrs. Evans treated me sickly nice without having a clue of exactly what was wrong with either of us. I would have added something to it but I was busy staring at Alex he seriously looked one word from breaking down into……hysteria. Which is also when I realized ‘he’ was busy looking at Alex with much the same speculation his lips were starting to quiver so ‘he’ goes to Alex putting a hand on his shoulder I take a step back expecting him to jerk away from ‘his’ touch but he doesn’t he’s standing there looking quietly at the ground freaking the hell out of us as it is with his basically obscene silence…
“Alex?….” I’m worried why I didn’t die of shock or something ‘he’ sounds so…..so…..soft. I’ve never heard him soften up as far as I can remember which I don’t really want to so my attention goes back to them , I half expected ‘him’ to laugh at Alex ..seriously.
He takes both of Alex’s shoulders and shakes him lightly Alex is trying to breath which leads me to believe that Alex is going to be our first grown up baby in the next few mintues..alright I know I did that too but at least I wasn’t this public with it!. I continued to positively gape as Alex’s eyes watered they looked like you were looking at them through a fish bowl.I so looked on awkwardly as he pulled Alex up from slumping a little and just let the kid bawl on his shoulder I’m not kidding ..this was Alex on ‘his’ shoulder seriously well he wasn’t loud or anything but I could tell how anguished he was and I didn’t feel any stab of pain or fear and even sad because I knew what he was feeling because I had to deal with the same amount of hurting with virtually no one on our side understanding enough about nothing we had been through …I’m not sure whether to blame those clueless people or not.
I watched as he puts a manicured looking hand with these long fingers go into Alex’s hair at the back of his head he’s still pretty tall…what was it about heights with me anyway?.
I’m not sure how long this is going to go on but I don’t look around at the people who turn their heads looking at us probably thinking Alex and ‘him’ were brother’s or something like that…what!?..both of them have the same colored hair eyes the only difference would be brawn wouldn’t it?..where did it come from..don’t ask me…’he’s’ saying something to Alex in his ear which is apparently the magic word because Alex looked rashly determined and hastily composed…so I go to them when ‘he’ motions me take Alex to sit down somewhere and that he’d go and do something about our flight…I take him by the arm and after taking a step check to see if he’s fallen to the floor into million pieces or anything but he’s there with me red eyes and face huffing puffing and coughing but he followed me and I let him fall on a chair and sat down next to him myself. Looking up impatiently for him to return once in a while but ‘he’ was still there and I was still stuck with a sniffling…
When I decided Alex and me were going to be stuck for an exaggerated period of time together so I might as well make and effort of some sort to be nice to him …wasn’t the fact that we both loved Isabelle enough?…
“Uh..you ok?” I asked as carefully as I could manage wincing every time he’d rub his eyes
“look I know this isn’t much help that you are the only one Izzi really loved and as much as you don’t like me for being the ass I was to you In school you have to trust me now…because …..we both have to get better and you know that?…I loved Isabelle too”
He looks over and I feel suddenly bizarre looking for signs of life in his eyes which most unfortunately I can’t really see maybe it’s the red of his eyes that’s getting to me but I put a hand on his shoulder and try squeezing it…expecting some reaction from even if it’s and insult. He takes his shoulder away and I grimace feeling….bad..for some reason…he reaches down to a back pack I failed to notice since he got here it looks new I guess he threw out his old stuff I don’t know what’s happened to my own stuff I don’t care there’s nothing important at my apartment…Alex holds a slip of folded paper in front of me which I lok at with dread having a ceaselessly bad feeling about who it could be from
|posted on 1-Jan-2003 3:43:55 PM|
| I look at him ready to say that I'm not in the mood for another round of mushy emotional discuss like issues and then sulk about them especially now, but he's looking me dead in the eye and still holds the folded page like it's the last scrap of food left on earth I avert my eyes from his red-blue ones shuddering as I unfold the paper it's more than a paper and the scribbling on it is pretty frantic looking I take shallow breaths trying to read it instead of skimming the non scribbled part of the paper. I'm not really sure what I expected but whatever it was couldn't possibly good coming from Alex in the state he was right now I expected some form of written truce or some death threat…but it looks like a letter…a small one. Real small.|
The words look rushed together almost writing over each other but even though the announcement's from Airport speakers fills my head about various missing passengers , Arrivals and departure reminders, the words form I can't just scan the written black ink for some reason I know it's the moment of truth something's about to change. So I take a deeper breath now and tell myself I'll do it…whatever it is I've got to be ready for it there's no other time.
I have something to tell you , remember how you used to say that if you can't always say things and there bad then write them down and pass the note on when the person already knows part of what you've got to say?
I've got something to tell you too Alex. The baby is yours. It's ours I don't know how long I could hold on like this. Michael's with me Max and Tess aren't with us anymore. They didn't make it.
I'll always love you Alex please forgive me I'll always love you
It was a short letter very short but I read it, read it again and kept reading it feeling blank and not being able to understand what's written on it the writings looked like scribbled webs now I kept trying to read it again.
Alex knew. Alex knew. Alex knew. She didn't tell me . Alex knew. she didn't tell me. 'He' knew. Alex knew.She didn't tell me…..