|posted on 5-Sep-2001 1:12:46 PM|
|Title: Shattered Heart|
Disclaimer: I don’t own anyone or anything dealing with Roswell.
Rating: ? I’m not sure yet.
Summary: Future fic, Liz’s POV
Coupling: What do you think? Mi/L
Author Notes: I want fb.
Dedications: To Moonbaby19 for giving me this idea.
//Today is August 4, 2015. I know I haven't written in a little over 16 years, but I have a lot on my mind. You see, today I had a visitor. Someone I didn't expect to see. Someone I didn't want to see. Max Evans.
Sixteen years ago, if anyone had asked me who I was going to grow old with I’d have answered Max Evans without a doubt, no hesitation. I considered him my soul mate, my true love. That one day we would be married with children. After I finished college of course, that was also part of my dream. Even after the visit from future Max I still hoped and believed that Max and I would get through it that we'd still end up together. Forever. I was so wrong.
Fifteen years ago, Isabel, Michael, Tess and Max went back to their home planet without my knowledge. I was pushed out of the loop after Alex's death. They didn't trust me. They all lost faith in me because I didn't believe Alex committed suicide. Because I believed it was somehow alien related. I even lost a little of Maria’s faith, because she thought I was trying to push the aliens away, push Michael away from her. She didn’t want to lose Michael, but I knew in my heart and in my gut that it was alien related.
I received a letter from Alex. Upon reading it, I rushed over to Max's to tell him I found out who killed Alex and that it was alien related. Alex didn't commit suicide like everyone thought he did. I had proof, because I knew he wouldn't believe me otherwise. When I knocked on the door, his mother opened it and told me he'd left. I asked for Isabel and got the same response. I asked her where they'd gone and when she expected them back. She broke down at that question. She told me that Max had left a note. He said that he was running away with Tess. That Tess was pregnant by him. He didn't want to rely on his parents to take care of them, so he felt he had to run. Isabel left a note as well stating that Max was all he had, and Tess was like the sister she never had. Therefore, she had to leave with them. She had to help them take care of her niece or nephew. Mrs. Evans assumed Michael went too, because she tried to get in touch with him, but had no luck.
I was shocked. Tess was pregnant with his child with the man I loved, the man who said he loved me. I ran home. I couldn't believe he would do this to me. After everything I did for them, and I was tossed away like yesterday’s garbage. The more I thought about it, the more I hated him, all of them. He didn't even care enough to tell me goodbye.
I thought about Maria. She didn't know. My best friend didn't know that the love of her life had left. I went over my balcony and headed towards Maria's house.
I knocked on her door and her mom answered it. She opened it wider for me to enter. I headed for Maria's room. I heard her crying and ran to comfort her. I hugged her, knowing how much she must be hurting, because I was hurting too. I didn’t want to think about that. All I wanted to do was comfort my friend.
When she finally calmed down, she told me that Michael and the other aliens were gone. Michael told her that he had to leave because Tess was pregnant by Max and the baby couldn't survive on earth. They had to go home. She also told me that on that same night, Michael told her that he loved her. They made love on his last night on earth.
I felt my whole world crumble right in front of me. The person I considered my best friend knew they were leaving and didn't say anything to me. She started to cry again, but that time I didn't comfort her. I didn't feel anything. I sat there and waited for her to fall asleep. When she finally went to sleep, I got off her bed and left.
After graduation, she moved to L.A. to pursue her singing career. We kept in touch for a few months, and then all communication ceased. I'm not sure whose fault it was, but it didn't matter. She was a stranger to me. I didn't know her like I thought I did.
I heard from Amy three years later that she and Kyle got married and had a kid.
I didn't go to college after high school like I planned. It didn't seem like any of that mattered. I stayed and helped my parents with the Crashdown. The only contacts I had with the outside world were my parents and Sean DeLuca.
Two years later my parents died.
I went into a catatonic state for a few months. Sean took care of me and was there when I finally woke up. Sean was the only one I had after my parents died. He would help me with the Crashdown, but I wasn't getting in enough money to cover all my expenses.
When the bills started piling up, we couldn't afford them. Sean tried to help the best he could, but there were too many. One day he decided to rob a store. He was caught, and since he was still on probation, he was sent away to a state facility. We kept in touch for a while, but he stopped writing back. I think he realized that I had caused him all his troubles and didn't want to have anything to do with me. I didn’t blame him. I still don’t. I didn’t want to have anything to do with myself either, but I can’t walk away.
I took out a second mortgage on the Crashdown to pay off the bills. With that extra money, I was able to stay ahead of them, but I had to eliminate most of my staff and bought lower quality food.
Now I'm barely able to stay above water. Nobody wants to come here because the food doesn't taste the same. I only get the regulars who feel sorry for me and don't want to abandon me. I'm grateful for them because they are the ones who are helping to pay for my bills.
Some nights I look out over my balcony and think it might be easier if I'd just jump and end all my suffering. I eventually change my mind hoping tomorrow will be better.
I couldn’t imagine why Max would come to see me of all people. So I invited him in. I wanted to know what he had to say for himself. He told me that he was sorry about everything that happened. He wanted me to accept him and his son back into my life. He also told me that when he was gone he realized how much he loved me, how much I meant to him. He had hoped I would come back to him and still hold him in my heart. How can he think I would wait for him? I told him a lot of things changed and I realized that he never did belong in my life. That what we had really wasn’t love and never will be. I also told him that it was over. I didn’t want anything to do with him, his son, and his alien status. He never got a chance to tell me anything else, because I pushed him out of my house and slammed the door in his face. I felt good after that. That’s the first time in a long time I felt like I was in control of my life, even if it sucked.//
I close my journal and put it back in my hiding place behind my headboard. I get up off the floor and go sit on my windowsill. I'm not quite on my balcony, but not in my room.
I see movement out of the corner of my eye. I notice a silhouette in the corner. I slowly reach back into my room to get my baseball bat. When my hand comes into contact with it, I take it and raise it above my head ready to swing at the figure. That's when the person says, "Hello Liz."
I drop the bat. It figures. Probably here to convince me to give Max another chance, to let him back into my life. Well, Max can forget it. He’s no longer a part of my life.
“If you’re here on Max’s behalf, you might as well leave,” I say coldly. What makes Max think this person would be able to convince me? What makes him think I would change my mind? Then again, Max always thought he could lead me around like a lost puppy. Well no more. He’ll never be a part of my life anymore.
“I missed you, too,” he responds.
“Get out! I don’t want you or Max anywhere near me.” I'm angry now.
“You don’t have to worry about me being here for Max’s benefit. I’m here for my own,” he says.
“What is there I can possibly do for you?” I say sarcastically.
"Where's Maria?" he asks bluntly.
I grumble. Figures. All he ever did was think about Maria. The irony of it was that when you were looking from the outside in on Maria and Michael’s relationship you’d think they disliked each other, sometimes hate each other, but they cared and loved each other more then Max and I ever did. I shrug my shoulders. I'm not about to make anything easy for him.
“What makes you think I’m going to help?” I ask.
He comes out of the shadows and stands directly in front of me. He gives me a menacing look. Trying to intimidate me as usual, something he was good at before he left. I guess he doesn’t realize that things change; that I’ve changed after fifteen years. None of them do. I stand my ground not breaking eye contact. Staring with the same intensity as him.
He turns away after a few minutes of silence. He sighs and says, “Where is she? She said she’d wait for me. I just want to see her, to hold her. I miss her.”
I laugh bitterly saying, “She didn’t wait for you.”
He doesn’t say anything to me. He looks broken. A little part of me feels sorry for him, but then again that bitter part of me says at least I’m not the only one who was hurt.
He sighs and says, “I still want to see her for myself. Just tell me where she is.”
“Fine, I’ll tell you, but you’re not going to like what you see. She’s happily married with a child. Anyway, I haven’t kept in touch with her for over 12 years. I’m not even sure where she is anymore,” I say.
I give him the last known address I have. He climbs down off my balcony. I wonder if I’ll see him again.
I close up the diner and head upstairs. It’s been three month since Michael’s visit. I wonder if he's found her yet. I undress and get ready to get into the shower. I'm so tired. I hear movement outside my window. I quickly pick up my robe and put it on. I grab my bat and head to my window. I see movement, but before I open the window, I see who it is.
“I’m assuming you found her,” I say startling Michael.
“She married Kyle,” he says.
“Yeah,” I say.
“She said she wait for me,” he says. I can tell his anger is mixed with sadness.
“Did you really expect her to wait for you after fifteen years?” I say coldly.
“But I loved her. I thought she loved me,” he says looking like he's on the verge of tears.
“Fifteen years is a long time. Things change,” I say.
Michael climbs over the balcony and starts to climb down. I stop him and ask, “Where are you going?”
“What do you care?” he snaps back.
Good, I don’t want him here, anyway. Then why do I feel bad? I know he doesn’t have anyplace to go. I know if he had Max, he’d be there instead of here. He’s somewhat like me.
“I know you don’t have anyplace to go. I have extra rooms, you can stay here,” I say. I don’t know why I offered, but I know if I were in his shoes, I’d hope someone would help me out.
“Why? I thought you don’t want us aliens around,” he says.
“Just get up here before I change my mind,” I say trying to sound irritated.
He climbs back up and follows me through my window. I point out the rooms he can choose from. He finally picks one and I give him bedding and towels. I also give him some of my dad’s clothes to sleep in.
“Are your parents going to freak that I’m here?” he asks.
I just shake my head and say, “No. They’re not here and they won’t be back.” He must have heard the coldness in my voice because he doesn't push the subject.
“Why are you still here? I thought you would be a graduate of Harvard or Yale by now,” he says.
“Just wasn’t my dream anymore.” I say with sadness in my voice. I leave and close the door behind me.
Michael and I have been living under the same roof for a few months now. We don’t say much to each other, but I like the company. I like knowing there’s someone here besides me. I think he feels the same way.
I’m not as tired at night anymore, because he helps me with the Crashdown. If we are short a cook he takes over. If we are short a server, he takes over as the cashier. He also helps with inventorying the stockroom. I’m content.
After I finish showering, I put on my long comfy t-shirt and am about to climb into bed. All of a sudden, I hear a scream coming from down the hall. I grab my robe and rush to Michael’s room.
He’s thrashing around screaming in his sleep. I go over to try to wake him up, but flashes and feelings assault me.
**Isabel dies in his arm./ Max blames him./He blames himself./ Love for Maria./Feeling of loss for Isabel./ Betrayal from Tess./ Betrayal from Max./ Longing for earth./ Hurt seeing Maria with Kyle./ Sadness for me./**
I remember getting flashes from Max during times of intense emotions. Of course, I would experience it from Michael; he's going through an extreme emotion. I wonder if he's getting any from me. I pull away at that thought. I don’t want to give away what I saw, in case he saw something as well. He looks at me searching, but I don’t give anything away.
I get up and go to the bathroom to get a wet cloth. I wipe off Michael’s forehead and say, “That must have been one hell of a nightmare. You were screaming and thrashing around. I had to wake you up.”
He just nods his head and turns away from me. I ask him if he wants to talk about it, but he refuses. I still feel some of his emotions from that flash. For the first time in a long while, I’m finally worried about someone other than myself.
I feel like I should stay and watch him for a while. I don’t want to leave him alone, not after that nightmare. I can tell he's not sleeping by the way he's breathing, but I know from experience how nightmares can affect a person. You feel the loneliest after one. I don’t want to leave him until he falls asleep. I gently rub his back until his breathing finally evens out. I stay for a little while longer and move the hair that is matted down from sweat off his forehead. I softly kiss his forehead and leave.
We never talked about that night. I wasn’t about to bring it up and if his dream was anything like the flashes I got. I knew I had to wait for him to tell me on his own time. We avoided each other less, but we still didn’t speak unless it was necessary.
After we closed the diner, I went up to my room and sat on my balcony. I hear a light tapping at my door. My body tenses up, I already know who it was. I didn’t answer at first, but the knocking became more persistent. I yell, “Go away!” I didn’t feel like company and I sure as hell didn’t feel like talking. What other reason would he come knock on my door for? After a couple of minutes, I didn’t hear any more knocking so my body starts to relax. Michael barges in. He comes out on the balcony to join me. He pulls up a lawn chair and places in front of me so that he’s facing directly in front of me.
“You may not want to talk, but I have a question for you,” he says stubbornly. I stand up so I’m farther away from him. The closeness was making me nervous.
“What question do you have to ask?” I reply.
“Why didn’t you tell me about these,” he says while holding up a stack of bills. He gets up. He stands next to me and says, “Why didn’t you tell me you were in debt? I could’ve of help. I still can help.”
I sigh and roll my eyes. What makes him think I want his help and even if I did, he couldn’t help me? I look at him and head for my window. I go back into my room and say, “What makes you think you can help me? You can barely help yourself.”
I hear him follow me and sit on my bed. He sighs heavily. I turn around and look at him. He scratches his eyebrow looking like he’s deep in thought. “I could use my powers to …..”
I cut him off by saying, “Why risk that? You finally have some peace. There’s no one breathing down your neck and you want to use your powers for what? So, you can save my diner. It’s not worth it.”
“It’s my decision ……” Again, I cut him off saying, “You’re wrong. It’s my decision. Do you want to know why? Because it’s my life and my diner. It has nothing to do with you.”
He sighs and runs his hand through his hair. “Why are you being so difficult? You’ve giving me a place to stay. A place to eat and you don’t want me to help. Why?”
“Just because. Let’s just leave it at that.” I say turning away from him.
Michael gets up and in one fluent movement, he was grasping my shoulders so that I was looking him in the eyes. He says, “No! I’m not leaving it like that. What’s going on with you? Sixteen years ago, you were the most open person I’ve met. Now, you don’t let anyone in. Now you’re acting the way I did.”
I roughly push him away and say, “Don’t you ever grab me like that! Do you hear me?!”
He backs up from me and says, “Sorry, but why the change.”
“You’re asking me all these questions, Michael, but you don’t tell me anything. You’ve lived in my house for six months now and I still don’t know what happened while you were gone.” I yell pointing my finger in his face.
He grabs my hand in the attempt to get it out of his face and yell, “I didn’t tell you because I want to forget. I don’t want to live there anymore. I’m still having nightmares you know that. I just want them to stop. Are you happy? Is that what you want to hear?”
I back up, not because I’m scared but because that the same thing I want. At this moment, I realized why Michael and I could live amongst each other comfortable without saying a word. It’s because we understand each other. We are more like each other than we want to admit.
“You’re not the only one who has nightmares, Michael. Maybe yours are more frightening, but I have them too. I don’t want to remember the last sixteen years of my life either.” I say calmly.
We sit in my dark room enjoying the silence, no body moved. No body made the attempt to make a sound. We stayed this way for a while until, Michael finally tells me goodnight and leaves to go to his room.
Thanks to Michael, I think there might be a chance for my shattered heart to mend. I realize it will take time, but I already feel the pieces coming together.
//The dreams are starting again. They usually start around this time. I’m afraid to sleep, because I don’t want to relive it. I wish I could forget it. I wish it didn’t revisit me in my dreams. I thought the nightmares had stop, but they only reoccur the week of my birthday. My birthday is in two days. Why wouldn’t they? It was all my fault. It happened on the week of my birthday. They’d come to me to tell me that they blame me. Why wouldn’t they?
Alex use to haunt me in my dreams, but I guess he felt I paid for my sins. I still blame myself for his death. After all, if I never introduced him to the aliens he’d still be alive right now.
Why did Max have to save me that day? Why couldn’t he let me die? Every one who was important in my life died because of that one incident. I was probably supposed to die that day. His saving me causes the effects that are happening now.
I’m so tired. I want to lie down and close my eyes to sleep, but I know once sleep comes over me. My nightmares will be back. I’m afraid of them. I’ve avoided sleep for two days now, but I feel it catching up to me. I also can tell Michael is worried. He doesn’t say anything, but I see in his eyes. I’m hoping I’ll get so exhausted that the dreams won’t come.
I’m going to attempt to go to sleep. I’m hoping they’ll leave me alone just for tonight. Just for a little while.//
I close my journal and put it back in my hiding place. I carefully climb into bed. Scared and hopeful. Scared because I’m afraid the dreams will haunt me. Hopeful because maybe this one night I’ll be able to sleep.
After a few minutes of tossing and turning, I fall asleep. That’s when the images bombard me. I thrash in my sleep trying to wake up, but I don’t. They come to me saying, ‘It’s your fault. If you didn’t insist on us to hurry, we’d still be alive. You were always selfish. You didn’t want to be alone on your birthday, so you made us promise to rush. If we took our time like we planned we still be here.’ I scream, “I’m sorry.”
I feel someone holding me down. I start thrashing. Trying to get the person away from me. I was scared. Then I get images different images.
**Me working in the backroom./ Me staring out the window./ Me cleaning the tables./ Each one I’m see sadness in my eyes.**
Then they stop. I hear someone whisper, “I’m here. It’ll be okay. Shhh….” I realize it’s Michael’s voice. I start to calm down. He moves to get up, but I stop him. I don’t want to be left alone. I’m so scared. Tears start to run down my face. I turn my back to him, because I don’t want him to see me like this. I feel him climb in my bed next to me He pulls me flush to his chest and hold me tightly while my sobs rake over my body. I fall into a deep dreamless sleep for the first time.
I wake up and glance at the clock with one eye. I close my eye again to go back to sleep. When the time finally registers, I jump up and grab the clock. That can’t be right. It says 12:30 pm. I put on my robe and open my door. I hear the chatter and noise coming from the diner. I rush to my room to take a shower and get dressed. I run downstairs and see Michael at the register.
“Why didn’t you wake me?” I ask out of breath.
He gives me a smirk and hands the customer his change. “You needed it. So I opened by myself,” he says simply.
“Thanks,” I say. I did need it. I feel refreshed.
We work together in companionable silence. I glance at him every so often. I notice my feelings for him are different, and that confuses and scares me. So, I do what I do best. I ignore it.
We finally close the diner. I sit down on one of the stools to rest. My feet are killing me. I take off my shoe and start rubbing my foot. Michael comes in drying his hand on a dishtowel. He says, “The kitchen's done.”
“The dining area is done,” I say exhaling deeply.
He sits on the stool next to me. He takes my foot and starts massaging it. I lay my head down on the counter and close my eyes. He massages gently, but taking his care to put enough pressure on the sore spots. Then suddenly I feel my foot tingle and he lets go. I look up at him. I narrow my eyes and whisper, “You used your powers didn’t you?”
He shrugs his shoulders and gets up to move. I grab his arm and fiercely say, “I told you not to do that. Are you looking for a death wish? You don’t know who's watching.”
He shakes my hand off and goes around the counter. He wipes the counter down and says, “I just wanted to help.”
“I can take care of myself. Why does everyone think I can’t?” I angrily say. I stand up abruptly knocking down the stool in the process. I turn to go upstairs, but I hear a tapping at the door. I turn to Michael and he shrugs his shoulders. I walk towards the door with Michael on my heels. I peek through the blinds and sigh. I look to Michael and say, “Don’t you have something else to do besides breath down my neck?” He looks at me annoyed. He turns and head upstairs. When he’s out of view, I open the door to my visitor.
“What are you doing here, Maria?” I ask.
“Happy Birthday,” she says handing me a gift.
I look at Maria and turn my back to her. “After all these years what makes you think I’m going to accept you with open arms? Why now?”
“I heard Michael is in town. I also heard that he’s staying here,” she says.
“What does that have to do with you being here right now?” I ask.
“What happened to you, Liz? After Alex’s death, you became this cynical person. You’re not the person I thought you were,” she tells me.
I laugh bitterly and say, “Me. You’re wrong, Maria. The only reason why you thought I wasn’t who you thought I was because after the aliens left, I wasn’t around to make you feel better. I didn’t tell you what you wanted to hear anymore. I wasn’t that friend who would always comfort you or listen to you when you wanted to vent. After the aliens left, I finally put myself first. You didn’t like that because in your eyes nobody is more important then you. You didn’t like the fact that I was licking my own wounds before I helped you. I’m glad they left. They finally made me realize that you were selfish. That you didn’t give a damn about me.”
She approaches me and says, “How can you say that? I loved you as a sister. I ….”
“I don’t want to hear it. You say you loved me like a sister. Then where were you when Alex died? Where were you when my parents died? You weren’t here for me. You didn’t even care that my parents are dead. You didn’t even call me to offer any kind of condolences. My parents treated you like a daughter. You didn’t even visit their grave did you?” I say my voice rising with ever word. I’m so involved in my ranting that I don’t notice Michael approach me and place his hand on my shoulder. I can tell he isn't trying to stop me, but to let me know he's there.
I take a deep breath and continue to say, “Why didn’t you tell me when they left? Why didn’t you comfort me when my so-called soul mate left me without a word? Wait. Did you even know I didn’t know?” I pause to wait for her answer. When she shakes her head I continue by saying, “And you call me your friend, your sister. You never cared about my feelings. It was all about you. You had Alex and me to wipe your nose when you cried, because Michael wouldn’t give you the attention you thought you deserved. When I was hurting, I always had to put it on hold to comfort you. I don’t want anything from you. I don’t have a sister, I never did.”
“I thought you don’t want to have anything to do with the aliens. Why is he here?” she says pointing at Michael.
“What do you care? You have Kyle. What? Did you expect him to dote after you?” I say.
Seeing her expression I say, “You did. That’s why you’re here. Amy told you he was here. You don’t like the idea that I’m not alone. That he might be giving me the attention you once had. You want it all. A husband and an ex-boyfriend to follow you like a dog in heat. Sorry Maria, the world doesn’t revolve around you. Not anymore.” With that, I turn around and go up to my room.
I lie in bed with the lights out looking up at the ceiling. Wondering what’s going on between Michael and Maria. A little part of me is angry with him because he should have followed me up. He’s probably comforting her about the outburst of her ex-best friend. I just lie there angry with myself for even caring and angry with Maria for even having the nerve to come here.
An hour later, I hear a light tap on the door. I don’t answer it. I already know it's Michael. I don’t want to talk or see him right now. He opens the door quietly. I pretend like I’m sleeping. I hear the door close, but I stay in my same position.
“I know you’re not sleeping,” he says.
I don’t answer. Maybe he’ll take the hint eventually. I don’t hear him move. “I have something for you,” he says quietly.
“I don’t want anything.” I pull the covers so that they are almost over my head. I hear him move and he rips the covers off me. Then he turns the light on. I see a box in his hands.
“Why are you doing this?” I ask feeling frustrated.
“I took the time to get you this the least you can do is open it.” He hands me the box.
“It’s not my birthday.” I just want him to go away. I want to be by myself.
“It is now,” he says pointing at the clock.
I sigh. “What is so important that you have to force this on me? I haven’t celebrated my birthday in years.”
“Just open it.” He looks like a kid on Christmas morning.
I hesitantly take the gift and open it. I look up at Michael and give him a curious look. It's just an envelope. I lift the envelope and open it. I unfold the letter and start reading. I drop the letter and hug Michael. “How?” I ask, my voice thick with emotion. He shrugs his shoulders and pulls away. “Thank you. This is the best gift I’ve ever gotten. How can I ever repay you?”
He stands up and walks towards the door to leave. Just before he closes the door behind him he says, “It’s a gift. There’s no need to repay me.” I hear the door close.
//This has been the best birthday I’ve had ever since my parents died. I’m the proud owner of the Crashdown. No more mortgages. It’s fully in my name. Thanks to Michael. I don’t want to know how, but I’m grateful. I wonder if Maria had something to do with it. She came for a visit tonight. I feel better now, because I finally let out a lot of anger that I had pent up. Now if I could get rid of this other feeling.
I’ve been seeing Michael differently lately. At first, I saw a way of rectifying some of my guilt, by helping someone who was feeling as much pain as I was. Now I see him as a friend I don’t want to lose. I see him as someone whom I trust with my life, someone who I feel comfortable with. I hope I’m not taking him for granted. I don’t want to treat him like Maria treated me or I treated Alex. I wish I could show him that I’m there for him that I’ll always be there for him. Every day I feel like my life is worth living and experiencing only if he’s in it. My feelings for him have also changed, but I’m afraid to admit them. I’m confused. I don’t know if it’s because of everything he has done for me. I’ll just wait and see. I could be imagining it because he has been my first human contact since Sean.//
Michael and I are in the backroom, taking inventory of our stockroom. Michael counts as I record the totals. While he’s counting, I’ll watch him as he climbs up and down the latter. Never realizing how attractive he is until now. He’s hair is now down to his shoulders and I like it. It makes him look sexy. I wouldn’t admit it to him because during those stages he had some funny hairstyles. I giggle at the memory.
He turns around and asks, “What’s so funny?” I shake my head and try to hide my smile. He climbs down the latter and says, “Let me repeat the question. What’s so funny?”
I snicker because he’s trying to act like he’s intimidating me. “If I were you I’d tell me,” he says narrowing his eyes while slowly walking closer towards me. I keep shaking my head and backing up every time he takes a step forward. The wall stops me signaling that I’m trapped.
“Nowhere to go, huh?” he says with a mischievous glint in his eyes. “I just have one question for you,” he says with a smirk. I give him a questioning look, as his smile grows bigger he asks, “Are you ticklish?”
I try to dodge out the way, but I’m not quick enough. He grabs me and starts tickling. I’m laughing and trying to squirm out of his reach. We tumble on the floor and he’s now straddling me continuing his rampage.
“Tell me what you were laughing at and I’ll let go.” I shake my head trying to catch my breath from laughing so hard. My side starts to hurt and I say, “Okay, okay. I’ll tell you. Just please stop.”
He remains straddled over me. I take deep breaths and wipe my eyes. “I was laughing at the different stages of your hair,” I say chuckling. He makes the motions like he’s going to tickle me again; I raise my hands up in surrender. Having trouble sitting upright because my legs are still pinned underneath him. He reaches out and wipes a stray tear off my check. My breath catches in my throat, noticing how close we are. Are faces are only inches apart. My heart rate speeds up. I reach my hand up and touch his cheek. His tongue darts out to wet his lips and all I can think of is how would his lips feel against mine. How sexy his lips are. Not realizing with ever thought I’m leaning into him until our lips meet.
The kiss starts out slow and tender, like we’re experimenting. The pressure increases when neither of us separates. His tongue caresses my lips and I part them allowing him to explore my mouth. I feel his arms wrap around me pulling me closer. I deepen the kiss and run my fingers through his soft hair. I twirl my tongue around his lower lip and draw it into my mouth to suck and nibble on it like I wanted.
He reluctantly removes his mouth from mine and traces my jaw with his tongue. He continues this until he reaches my neck where he nibbles and sucks. A moan escapes my throat. My senses feel like they are on overload. I’ve never felt like this, even when I was with Max. It feels so good. What is he doing to me? He comes back to my mouth and swirls his tough over my lips. It feels like electricity wherever his lips touch. I open my mouth to him wanting more. I’m overtaking by desire as I press my body closer to his. I leave his mouth and sweep wet kisses down to his neck. I gently bite and trail my tongue up and down. I hear him moan my name. I reach his ear, blowing and sucking on it. I trail my tongue over his jaw and reach his mouth again. I press my lips against his. He deepens the kiss and that’s when the images come.
**Michael seeing Maria with her child and husband, Kyle feeling sadness and loneliness / Michael and Maria arguing in the Crashdown feeling anger and disgust / Me, when Michael gave me my birthday present feeling happiness, content and something else. ***
I break the kiss and gasp. He looks at me expectantly. When my mind begins clearing, I notice we’re lying on the floor tangle together. I quickly untangle myself from him and abruptly stand up. I mumble, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry” as I run out of the stockroom hearing Michael, shout after me, “Liz, please wait.”
I close my door and slide to the floor. What have I done? I rest my head on my knees. The feeling of confusion and fear washes over me. What have I done?
//I just returned from another funeral. It seems like I’ve done that a lot lately. I want this one to be the last. I don’t think I could handle another one.
Since I’ve been distracted, I haven’t noticed the feeling of death circulating me. I had that same feeling when my parents died, when Alex died, and when my grandmother died. I never told anyone this only because I didn’t want people to think I was crazy.
That day Max saved me and cheated death, he changed fate. I believe I was supposed to die that day. So in theory, those lives I interacted with was a mistake, so fate stepped in and fixed it by ripping those near and dear to me out of my life. We were never supposed to be involved, and since I’ve already beaten death, I couldn’t take their place.
Max cursed me that same day and now everything I touch disintegrated. The perfect example is the Crashdown. It was almost ruined under my care. Until Michael came, he not only resuscitated the Crashdown, but also me.//
I stop writing and stare at the words I’ve just written. A tear splatters on the pages.
//Why did Michael have to come back into my life? I tried to keep my distances from him, but he made it difficult by his tender words and subtle tactics to involve himself into my life. He weaseled his way into my heart. Now I don’t know what I’m going to do without him in my life. He changed me. I was happy for a while. He made me forget my problems, but now everything has to change.
I don’t know why I just didn’t isolate myself from the world that way everyone would be safe from my curse. I realize now that I’m destined to be alone.//
I close my journal. The pain in my heart and soul is overpowering. I hear a soft knocking at my door and I whisper, “Please, just go away.” I crawl into bed and wrap myself under my blankets, shielding myself from the world.
[ edited 1 time(s), last at 13-Oct-2001 5:48:58 PM ]
|posted on 8-Sep-2001 12:13:45 AM|
The next day I stay in bed. I didn’t care if the Crashdown is open or not. I just want to stir in my sorrows and loneliness. I close my eyes and drift back to sleep.
When I open my eyes, again my room is encased in darkness. I don’t bother to look at the clock. I don’t care what time it is or what day. There’s a knock at my door and I don’t acknowledge it. I continue to conceal myself from the world. I hear a soft click as the door unlocks and light footsteps enter my room. The bed shifts with the weight of the intruder.
“You can’t hide in here forever.” Michael softly says. His voice is mixed with sadness. My body shivers. “Please, go away.” Michaels yanks the covers from me and says, “I’m not going to let you hide away forever. You’ve got to deal with this sooner or later, so you might as well talk to me.” I roll over to face him. “It’s safer if I do.”
Michael chuckles. I sit up and say, “It’s not funny. I’m cursed can’t you see that? Everyone who I’ve cared about ends up dead. I don’t want that to happen to you.” Michael softly caresses my cheek and says, “You’re not cursed, and nothing is going to happen to me.”
I shove his hand away, shaking my head. “Yes it will and it’ll be my fault.” He pulls me to him wrapping his arms around me. He’s holding me close to him, I don’t want to leave his embrace but I know if I stayed here, if I love him he’ll be taking away from me.
“Liz, it wasn’t your fault Sean died. You’re just grieving.” I jerk away from him and say, “If he never met me, if he never involved me in his life. He’d still be here. So would my parents, Alex and my grandmother.”
He wipes the tears off my face with his thumb and say, “Aren’t you the one that told me I shouldn’t feel guilt when Isabel died? That’s what you’re feeling, guilt. You should take your own advice. It wasn’t your fault.” I release my self from him and walk to my window. I look out and sigh. “That’s different. Isabel knew what she was getting herself into. You blame yourself for what happened during a war. I on the other hand caused their death by being alive.”
Michael approaches me and says, “How is it your fault when some prisoner killed Sean? How is it your fault when a semi driver fell asleep at the wheel and kills your parents? How is it your fault when Tess killed Alex? How is it your fault your grandmother had a heart attack?”
He’ll never understand. How am I supposed to make him understand? I abruptly turn around nearly knocking him over. I take his hand and lead him to my bed. I motion to him to sit down and he obeys. I lean towards him and brush his hair behind his ear. I lean forward slowly and gently brush my lips to his. I startled him at first, but he recovers quickly. He wraps his hand around my waist and pulls me in his lap. He opens his mouth to my probing tongue. I deepen the kiss. I feel his hands wonder over my body they’re on my back then they slowly trail down until they land on my thighs. He pulls me closer and that’s when the flashes come.
**Michael watching me at the funeral feeling sorrow, hurt and a little jealousy / Michael knocking on my door feeling loneliness and sadness for me / Me and him in the stockroom feeling desire, passion and love.**
Michael pulls away. Confusion evident in his eyes, he softly says, “You think you should have died that day?” I nod. He grips me tighter and says, “You’re not cursed. It was a miracle that Max saved you that day. I didn’t realize it then, but now…” He slowly lifts my chin so I can meet his gaze. “I love you so much, Liz and I can’t lose you. Nothing is going to happen to either of us.” The tears I’m so desperately trying to hold back start to spill over. He rocks me soothingly stroking my hair and kissing the top of my head. “I can’t go through another death. I just can’t.” Michael lies back and guiding me along with him, he holds me tight and comforts me until I fall asleep.
I wake up startled and Michael’s grip tightens around me. He kisses the crown of my head. I smile up to him; he leans forward and tenderly caresses my lips with his. I slide up his body to deepen the kiss. He lifts me up so I’m straddling him. I release his lips and attach them to his neck. I hear him moan. I start swaying my hips over his bulge.
Michael growls; flips me over and slowly unbuttons my shirt. He takes one of my breasts in his hand, while his mouth takes the other. I arch my back up reveling in the feeling he is evoking in me. He trails his tongue down until he reaches my navel. He erotically dips his tongue and rolls it around.
“Oh God,” I moan.
He descends lower and my body bucks as his tongue touches my most sensitive area. I pull him up and attack his mouth. I latch my legs around him and rotate us so that I’m on top. I pull at his shirt until it’s finally over his head. I fumble with his pants and quickly slide them down his legs. I kiss my way up until I’m face to face with his manhood. I lick the length of him and then take him into my mouth. I bob my head up and down, hearing Michael groan my name. I swirl my tongue around the tip of his head and slowly make my way up to his lips. He rolls us over and enters me. The feeling of him inside me is incredible. We move slowly and sensually basking in the love that shone in both of our eyes. My eyes cloud over with unshed tears because, I’ve never felt love as strong as this. We quicken the pace when I feel my body almost ready for release. He kisses me and whispers, “I love you, Liz Parker.” As we, both went tumbling over the edge. He holds me close as we both fall asleep, basking in each other’s love.
//It’s been a little over a month since Michael and I committed to each other both physically and emotionally. I’ve never felt so much love from anyone, not even Max. The love that consumes me frightens me only because I’ve never loved anyone as much as I love Michael. I try to show him through my actions because I’ve been unable to tell him. I’m afraid that once those words leave my mouth, he will be snatched away from me like everyone else in my life. I couldn’t bear that. I don’t think I’m capable of mourning anyone else’s death especially someone who has captured my heart as much as Michael has.//
I quickly roll off the bed and dash for the bathroom. I kneel in front of the toilet as a wave of nausea overcomes me. I must be coming down with something. I’ve been feeling queasy all week, and every time I try to eat something, nothing will stay down. I quietly sneak into the bedroom and grab my journal, just as another wave of nausea washes over me. I lean over the sink and splash cold water on my face. I peek in the room to find Michael sound asleep. I smile. I sit down on the cold tile floor to wait for my stomach to settle down. I grab my journal and begin to write.
//In three days, it will be Michael’s birthday. I found this out through one of our many flashes. Isabel died on his birthday in his arms.
Now that I think about it, our lives are parallel. He considered Isabel as a sister and she died on his birthday. My parents died on mine. Max who was his best friend who turned on him when he needed someone the most and Maria did the same to me. Maria had told Michael how much she had loved him, but when he finally returned it, she took advantage of it, just like Max did to me. I want his birthday to be special for him, just like he made mine. He deserves it; because of everything, he’s done for me.
Michael made me a doctor’s appointment for tomorrow. He was worried about my lack of eating and my constant vomiting. I told him there was nothing to worry about, it’ll probably go away by itself soon, but he said he refused to lose me to some ailment. At least that will give me an excuse to shop for his gift.//
I stop writing when I see Michael standing in the doorway. He’s rubbing his eyes wearing only a pair of boxers. He looks at me with concern and I carefully stand up. I didn’t want the queasiness to return. He grabs my hand and asks, “Are you okay?” I follow him back to bed as his arms surround me. I say, “I am now.” I snuggle closer to him when sleep finally engulfs me.
Edited by - polarist on 09/11/2001 07:06:31
|posted on 13-Sep-2001 11:44:13 PM|
I’m in the kitchen making Michael his birthday breakfast. I couldn’t find anything worthy enough for him, but I do have some things for him. I just hope he likes them.
Arms wrap around my waist, I smile and lean against his chest. “What are you doing?” he whispers seductively in my ear. I turn around and push him back into the bedroom. He smiles as I push him on the bed. “This is more like it.”
I smile and climb on top of him. He grabs my hips to pull me closer. I take his hands and restrain them above his head. I lean into him and trail my tongue over his neck. He moans, I gently bite his neck and slowly travel up to his ear. I swerve my tongue around his lobe lightly blowing in his ear. “Lay back and let me do all the work,” I say huskily. I take his lips with mine, I hear him growl as he tries to loosen his hands from mine. I pull away and shake my head. “Don’t even think about,” I say. I see his eyes fill with desire.
I climb off of him and he asks, “And where do you think you’re going?” I smile mischievously and say, “To finish breakfast. I’m starving.” He flops back and groans, “You’re killing me.” I shrug my shoulders and reply, “I need my strength to finish what I started.” He’s about to jump out of bed but I stop him by saying, “Don’t. I want you to wait for me just like that.” He lies back down and says, “If you put it that way. Just hurry up.” I smile and shake my head. “I like it when it’s slow.” I hear him groan as I retreat to the kitchen to finish making breakfast.
I take two plates full of Michael’s favorites. I place them on a tray and carry it into the bedroom. I place the tray over Michael’s lap and run back to retrieve the missing items. He gives me a look of surprise. “Why did you do this?” I smile and lightly touch my lips to his. I shrug; I don’t want to let on that I knew his birthday was today, at least until I give him his presents. Knowing him he will make it impossible for me to pamper him.
“To show you how much I… I….” He strokes my cheek and says, “I know how you feel about me. I know when you’re ready you’ll tell me.” My eyes tear up and I say, “I’m sorry, I know how I feel, I don’t know why I can’t say it. I just want you to know how special you are to me.” He moves the tray to the night table and pulls me in his lap. “You show me how you feel everyday, baby. I know you love me. I also know how much it scares you to express it through words.” I smile and kiss him softly at first and then it turns more intense.
I pull away unwillingly and say, “Eat first, kiss later.” He nods and I crawl off his lap as he places the tray over his legs. He furrows his eyebrows as he looks for something. I smile holding up a bottle of Tabasco sauce and say, “Is this what you’re looking for?” He smirks and reaches for it. I tease him by pulling it out of his reach for a while until my stomach growls. He raises his eyebrow and says, “Hungry?” I roll my eyes, open the Tabasco, and pour some on his plate. He smiles, pick up his fork and takes a bite. “Oh my God, Liz. This is so good.” I smile. I’m glad he likes it; I never made crepes before so I was a little nervous. When we finish eating, I take the tray and tell Michael, “You stay because in a minute I’m about to keep my promise.” He nods and I head for the kitchen.
I wash and put away the dishes. I take the chicken out of the freezer, season it and place it in the refrigerator so it can marinate. I make my way back to the bedroom. I softly laugh when I see Michael spraying whip cream and shaking Tabasco sauce in his mouth. He glances at me and shows me his mouth full of fluffy red cream. I shake my head and slowly saunter over to him. I grab the can of whipped cream and say, “I have other ideas for this.”
His eyes sparkle at my remark. I shake the can and spray some over his chest. I lie besides him and run my tongue over his chest catching the cream before it melts. I spray some more on his stomach as I suck and lick until he’s clean. He growls and pulls me up to him kissing me with such force and love. He lifts my t-shirt over my head and I crash my lips to his. I push his boxers down as far as I could he rolls us over and I help him push his boxers off the remaining way with my feet.
He takes my breast into his mouth and I lean into him. He slips my underwear off and returns to my mouth. I situate my hips until he is at my entrance. I wrap my legs around him and push him into me. We both groan at the initial contact. We move together slowly, I can feel the love pouring off of him. I wrap my arms around him and kiss him. I never want to lose him. We turn over so that I’m on top I rotate my hips bringing pleasure to both of us. As I feel myself near the brink, I lean into him holding him close while we still moved. As we both tumble over the edge, I whisper, “I love you.” My heart is beating fast, he looks into my eyes and says, “I love you too.”
I roll off of him and lean against. I can’t believe I said it. It feels like a burden has been lifted off my shoulders, but I’m scared at the same time. Michael scoots down and lays his head on my chest. I languidly run my fingers through his hair, every so often kissing the crown of his head. I can feel him sleeping. I never seen anyone so peaceful, it’s hard to imagine that this is the same person, who would wake up screaming from nightmares. I give up on fighting sleep and succumb to it.
I wake up to the feeling of nausea. I gently move Michael and sprint to the bathroom. I rinse my mouth out and look at myself in the mirror. I smile. I turn to the bathtub turn on the hot water and stroll over to the bed. Michael opens one eye at me and says, “Come back to bed.”
“You don’t want to sleep the whole day away know do you?”
“Why not? We closed the Crashdown, so what else is there to do?”
“If you have to ask that, then my feelings are hurt.”
He pulls me to him and says, “You know what I mean?” I lean my head on his shoulder and sigh. “I know. Come on. Let’s take a bath.” He narrows his eyes at me and says, “I’m beginning to think you’re spoiling me.” I kiss him on his nose and say, “Do you have a problem with that?” He chuckles. “No, but I should be the one spoiling you.”
I get off the bed and grab his hand. “You do everyday, today is your day.” I lead him to the bathroom and turn the water off. I test it and say, “Is this temperature good for you?” He sticks his hand in the water and smiles. “Now it is.” I step in and offer my hand to him. He takes it and joins me in the tub. He sits down and I sit behind him. I take a washcloth and pour some soap on it. I sponge him down feeling the intimacy this simply act causes. Michael moans, “What did I do to deserve this kind of treatment?” I smile as I wet his hair and rub shampoo in my heads. I lather it into his hair gently massaging his scalp. I kiss his neck. “Nothing. I just felt you deserve a day just for you.”
I rinse the soap off of him and step out of the tub. I grab a towel and wait for him to leave the tub. When he does I wrap the towel around him and slowly dry off every place on him. I dry myself off and take his hand. I lead him back to the room and dig out a pair of boxers for him and one of his t-shirts for me. I escort him into the living room and seat him on the couch. “I want you to watch TV while I cook dinner.” He was about to object but I say, “How many times am I going to have to say this is your day. Enjoy it.” I walk into the kitchen and prepare dinner.
When I finish, I stand in the doorway of the living room and say, “Dinner’s ready.” He looks up at me and smiles. “It smells great.” He stands up and I take his hand to usher him into the kitchen. He gasps and I smile at his reaction. I pull out a chair for him and he sits down. He stares at a blank envelope in front of him. “What is this?”
I drag a chair next to him and sit down. “I have a confession to make.” He turns to me giving me a questioning look. “I know today is your birthday.” I place my index finger over his lips to stop him from speaking. “Let me talk first.” After I received a nod from him I continue with, “I know you don’t celebrate your birthday, but I wanted today to be a special day for you. You made me look forward to my birthday and I want to return the favor. I couldn’t find anything deserving of you so I…” I pick up the envelope for him to open.
He looks up at me and back down at the piece of paper. “You’ve brought life back into me and the Crashdown and I thought it would be fitting if you owned half of it. I never asked you how you paid off this place, but I appreciate what you did for me. I want to show you my thanks and how much I trust you. You’ve made me feel again Michael and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to repay you.” He pulls me to him and says, “You always seem to make me love you more everyday. Thank you.”
I reluctantly disentangle myself from him and set the plates down on the table. I still have one more gift to give him, but I don’t know how he’ll react to it. I sit down close to him and take a bite of food. I wrinkle my nose because it taste like something is missing. I watch him pour Tabasco over his food and scope some in his mouth. “Mmmm, this is so good.”
I smile and pick at my food. He must have noticed this because he asks, “What’s wrong?” I shrug and say, “I don’t know. It just taste like something is missing.” I unconsciously poke my fork in Michael’s plate and put a piece of Tabasco soaked chicken in my mouth. I couldn’t believe how good that taste. I grab the bottle and shake some on my own plate. I sigh as I finish eating. I notice Michael giving me a strange look and he asks, “Is there something you’re not telling me?”
A POLARIST THROUGH AND THROUGH