Title: Until the End
Summary: Best friends till the end…that is until Kyle realizes his true feelings for his best friend and begins to try and find ways to deal with his new found feelings. Can Max and Kyle maintain their vow of true friendship…or will Max push Kyle away once his true feelings are reveled…read below to found out.
I watch him as he stands before the class…watch as he speaks in confidant tones from the cards that he holds before him and I can’t help but smile. He is my best friend in the whole wide world…he is the one that as he lay in a hospital bed after having his first round of chemotherapy we vowed to the death to be best friend for always. We have been through hell and back the two of us…but I wouldn’t give up any of it for that vow means more to me that anything else in my fucked up life. I can go on and complain about how I hate my life and everything in it…but it is nothing compared to what my best friend has had to endue since he came into this world. Max was born with cancer of the kidney and most of his childhood was spent in one hospital or another. It wouldn’t take much for Max to get sick and end up spending another few months in intensive care. We almost lost him a few times…but Max is tough and he fought like a tiger to survive and on his fourteenth birthday he was given the best present of all…a new kidney and his life has been as normal as possible ever since.
Yes we are best friends to the end…but lately I must admit something has changed…something that upsets me to my very core and then at the same time…thrills me beyond anything that I can even begin to explain. I have been having certain feelings towards Max…feelings that I shouldn’t be having…feelings that if I would have paid more attention a few years ago…make all the sense in the world now. I keep having these dreams of the two of us being together…more then just as friends if you must know and I don’t know how or what I should…if I should do anything about them. I mean my revelation as to the true extent of my feelings for him could fuck up everything that we have built together over the years. Hell…not only that but our home and school lives as well. It doesn’t help that we are the most popular guys in all of West Roswell High…doesn’t help that our families are well respected and high profile in the small town of Roswell New Mexico. It would devastate the whole balance of their fucked up lives as well as his and mine and yet I would give it all up in a second if it meant that he would return my affections by just a fraction of what I feel for him.
“Did my speech bore you that much” I hear him laugh as he makes his way past me…sitting in the seat besides me. I can feel my cheeks redden at his words and I curse myself for not having the self control needed to remain aloof.
“Nah…you just bore me” I counter…as I attempt to avoid the fist coming towards me in a playful way…giving me that thousand-watt smile once he comes in contact with his intended target. Momentarily I pull my gaze away from the handsome man besides me as I pretend to pay attention to Maria as she drones on and on about the affects of global warming…however it is as if I have no control of my own as my eyes gravitate back towards my best friend and the man that I have grown to love with an unyielding passion. I can see why the women all love him…he is really one hell of a gorgeous man…but asides from the cosmetic aspect of Max Evans there is so much more to love about him. He is the most caring person that I have ever met in my lifetime. There isn’t a person that he has met that doesn’t consider him a friend and despite the fact that we belong to the most popular click in school…he knows each and every student on a personal level. Me however…I couldn’t tell you who anyone is out of our circle. Shallow…probably…but I am not the open person that Max is…not even close and in truth I don’t want to be…because I like being popular…like being the one that everyone envies all year long and I am ok with this.
The ring of the bell pulls me out of my thoughts as I watch him pull his muscular frame from the desk as he makes his way towards the front of the class. “I’ll meet you in gym class” I hear him holler over the students rushing to leave our boring class. “I forgot my gym bag in my locker” Nodding…I quickly turn and remove my books from the rack on the bottom of my chair…once again cursing myself for I can feel the heat rise into my cheeks.
“Get a grip on yourself Valenti” I scold myself…nearly jumping out of my skin as I feel a hand lay upon my arm. “Kyle are you ok” I hear a dreaded voice speak with utter concern dripping from her words. Turning I come face to face with the beauty that is known as Liz Parker. “Fine…” I grumble nastily as I push my way past her…exiting the room as if her touch has burned me. I know that I should feel bad for the way that I have treated her…but I push all thought of her aside as I make my way towards gym class. I know your wondering why it is that I have such hostility towards Liz. Well to put it plainly I hate her. I hate the fact that she is so beautiful…hate the fact that she is so sweet…but most importantly I hate the fact that she is the long time girl friend of Max. She is one of my best friends in the whole world…but I hate her with an undying passion that some times I find it almost impossible to be in the same room with her…without having horrible thoughts as to how to get her away from the man that I long to be with more then I can breath and yet I know that it is not her fault. Max loves her…loves her with an undying passion that breaks my heart in two each and every time that I look upon it. He has loved her for as long and I can remember and everyone that looks upon her beautiful face can see that she reciprocates that love ten times over.
“Hey baby…you coming over tonight” I hear my own girl friend Maria DeLucca whisper behind me as she wraps her arms around my waist…laying her chin upon my shoulder. Powerful guilt bolts throughout my whole body as I turn around and pull her into my embrace. Maria and I have been dating for the last eight months and with each passing day I find it harder and harder to look into her beautiful green eyes. She really cares for me…I can feel it radiating from her body each time that I hold her in my arms and yet I continue to think of another each time. I started dating her in hopes that the strange feelings that I had been developing for Max would go away…but I knew deep in my heart that it would not…that in fact I would only continue to fall more in love with him each and every day. “Sure babe…” I reply…giving her a quick kiss upon her ample lips before running off in the direction of the class that I am now late for.
My breath catches in my throat as I enter the gym ten minutes late and find Max running power drills…shirtless. I can see the sweat as it trickles down his perfectly chiseled chest…can see those very same muscles flex and pull with each exerted step and I feel as if I may faint from the shock of it all. “Kyle…” I hear him call out to me as he runs in the direction of where I am standing…but I know that I must leave with haste for my body has betrayed me in the worst possible of ways…in the form of a fully raging hard on. With a final glance I sprint down the hallway…ignoring him as he continues to call out to me. I have no idea where I am going as I jump into my car and speed out of the student parking lot…that is until I find myself sitting in his deserted driveway.
I know that I shouldn’t be doing what I am doing…but it is as if I have no control of my own as I quickly locate the spare key that his parents keep hidden in a fake rock along the flower bed. With lightening speed I enter his home…rushing down the hallway and into his immaculate bedroom. I let the breath that I didn’t even know that I was holding escape my air-starved lungs as I fall heavily into his computer chair. I have no idea why I am here…have no clue as to what I expect to uncover here as I look around the spotless resting place of Max Evans and I find that it is yet another thing that the two of us don’t have in common. Everything in this room is neat and tidy and always in place…where I am a complete slob and I can’t help but smile. Getting up I make my way over to the tank holding the tarantula that I gave him as a gift after one of his many hospital visits. I can’t remember how long ago I gave it to him…but it has to be at least five or six years. Turing from “Dirty Harry” I nearly knock over the shelf holding what seems to be a mountain of medicine bottles. Each lined up in neat piles…each needed to keep the man that I adore unlike any other alive and well. I can’t stop the small shivers that invade my body at the thought of not having Max in my life any longer. I have almost lost him on more the one occasion and know all about the possibilities of future complications all due to his kidney disease and that thought alone frightens me to my very core.
Pushing all thoughts of possible death aside I continue my explorations as I look upon the wall above his dresser littered with hundreds of photos. Each photo tells a different story of Max and in just about every one of them I am present. Fishing trips…boy scouts…baseball camp…school functions…you name it and the two of us were together. I cherish each and every memory and know that I will till the day that I die. A smile once again captures my face as I think back to the days of old…and yet just as soon as it appears it disappears as my eyes settle on the shire of Liz. Granted there are only a few pictures of the raven-haired beauty…and tons of pictures of Max and myself…but in each one with her he has the look of utter happiness so readable upon his handsome face.
As I continue along with my exploration I find myself before his closet. Opening the sliding doors I stand before the oodles of clothes that he owns…each one perfectly tailored to accentuate his perfect body. If you must know…Max is a total clotheshorse and again yet another thing that we don’t have in common. Where he prefers to wear the latest style…I opt for a more casual look. Tight blue jeans and western shirts are my fave…but since dating Maria I have had to retire the western look to make her happy and settle for polo and rugby shirts. It was a long tiresome battle…but in the end we came to this compromise and I guess that I am a better person for it…or so she keeps telling me. To the left I find his dirty clothes hamper and casually draped across it is the black t-shirt that he played ball in just yesterday afternoon. Picking it up I bring it to my nose…inhaling the scent that is only Max. It is a mixture of musty manliness…mixed with the slightest hint of his cologne. I love the smell of him…love the way that it emanates from his glorious body and makes me drunk with want of him…and yet I have to continuously control me lust for him until I feel that I may go mad from it all.
With shirt in hand I make my way towards his bed…sitting upon the creaseless comforter. Laying back my head hits the pillow and once again I can’t help but inhale his scent as I run my face over its softness. Anger begins to consume me…an anger that visits me each and every time that I do this and yes I have done this before…several times before in fact. Anger for being who I am…anger for falling in love with the truest friend that I have been blessed from above with. Anger for the love that he is oblivious to…but instead shares with another. So much anger and yet I have no one or no place to dispel it for now one knows the real and true Kyle Valenti and if I have anything to do with it they never will and yet my anger continues to consume me. I am tired…tired of the secrets that I have to hide…tired of the pretending that I do each and every day. So fucking tired as I roll over onto my stomach face first into his pillow as I unknowing allow slumber to over take me.
“Kyle…” I hear a voice whisper angelically out to me as the melody of it pulls me from my sleep. “Kyle…wake up” I open my eyes to find him laying beside me with nothing but that beautiful smile upon his face. He wears not a stitch of clothing as he lies down besides me…staring into my shocked eyes with his sparkling hazel ones.
“Ma…Max” I stutter…nearly jumping out of my skin as his hand comes in contact with my flushed face. “What…what are you doing here” I continue to speak like a stupid moron as I try to control my every hardening dick.
“This is my room” he chuckles easily as he continues with his exploration of my face…now tracing my quivering lips with the softness of his fingertips. I can feel the raging blush as it cascades over my rapidly over heating body as I begin to find it almost impossible to breath.
“I…I know…but…this…” my uttering continue…pointing in the direction of the hand that has now found its way down the nape of my neck as he gently messages my tender skin.
“It’s time for the truth to be know Kyle. It’s time for all the lies to pass. You love me and I love you and…”
“I love you” he continues playfully as he pinches me lightly upon my scorching skin. “The time for games is over. I don’t want to play anymore…don’t want to hide the love that I feel for you any longer. I want to shout it from the roof tops just how much you mean to me. I want to…”
“Max” I cut him off mid sentence.
“Yes…” he answers in a teasing tone.
“Just kiss me already” I reply lustfully as I quickly bridges the gap between the two of us. His lips are heaven as they caress my own…gently urging them open for his wondrous tongue. I feel as if I may come right here and now as he continues to tongue fuck my mouth with his…but it is nothing compared to the feeling of his large hand as it grips my swollen member. “Holy fuck” I cry out in wonderment as he begins to stroke me for all that I am worth. “Max…max…max” I moan need fully as he continues with his ministrations…urging me closer towards my impending release. “Oh Max…I…I”
“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN HERE” I hear someone screech painfully loud around me…jerking me from one of my better wet dreams of Max and I together. Ripping my eyes open I try to decipher where the wailing banshee is located…and in truth it doesn’t take long for me to figure out it is the one person that I dislike above all. “I said what the fuck are you doing in here Kyle”
“What the fuck do you think I am doing here” I counter evilly…rolling over onto my side…my eyes almost popping out of my head as I come in contact with the shirt that I had been sleeping with.
“Don’t you have you own fucking bed to sleep in. Hell…if I didn’t know any better I would think that you were in here doing other things by the size of the hard on you have there”
I want to die…want the blueness of the comforter to swallow me up as I attempt to pull needed air into my shocked lungs…while trying to get control of my dream induced hard on. “Your fucking sick Isabel” I scream at my Ex…pulling my knees into my chest in an attempt to hide my obvious erection as well as the shirt. Yes I said ex. Isabel and I dated off and on last year…much to Max’s disagreement. He warned me that she was an ice princess…but I didn’t care for dating her insured that I could spend even more time with my true love…or so I thought. Isabel proved to be so demanding of my time that I rarely got to spend any time with Max…much less anyone else for that matter. It was always about her and her needs and nothing else. She was constantly trying to seduce me to sleep with her…and most teenage boys would jump at the chance to sleep with a raving beauty…but not this one. I wanted to sleep with the gorgeous hunk of man known as her brother and yet I let the charade continue until I could no longer tolerate the forsaking of my life. It was an ugly breakup…but as expected Max defended me before his sister and that was when I knew that I would love him for always.
“You never did answer my question” she snarls…throwing herself on the bed besides me. “What are you doing here”
I want to reach out and strangle her…want to smack the shit-eating grin that now covers her face as she looks at with those eyes that tell me that she may know my secret. “You know Kyle the whole time we were dating it was almost impossible for you to get an erection and yet here you are today in my brothers room…laying on his bed with his smelly shirt tucked under your body with the hugest hard on I have ever seen. Now…it kind of makes me wonder as to what the true reason for you being here is” she snides…as she reaches under the bulk of my frame…jerking the shirt I was trying to hide out into the open. “All the pieces are falling into place now”
“Shut the fuck up Isabel” I scream as I pull my self off the bed…now towering before her in an attempt to scare her…but it is no good for nothing and no one scares Isabel Evans.
“I knew that you didn’t break up with me so you could go out with the pip squeak Maria. No…there was another reason wasn’t there Kyle. Hell you have been dating Maria for almost a year and the two of you still haven’t done the deed. So tell me Kyle…when exactly did you realize that you were gay and in love with my brother”
I don’t know what came over me…but at the point in time I snapped. Grabbing her by the throat I yanked her from the bed she was lounging on…slamming her into the wall located besides her. “You shut the fuck up” I scream madly…tightening the hold that I have on her throat. I can hear her gasp for breath before me…can feel her struggle to break the vice like lock that I have upon her tender throat…but I don’t care. I want her to hurt…want to take out all my pain and frustrations on her…want to make her feel the way that I do. “Kyle…pl…please” she puffs crazily…her face turning a strange shade of blue. “Can’t…breath” I know that I should let her go…know that if I don’t let go in a matter of seconds that there is a possibility that she may die and yet I am so afraid to release her that I continue to hold her as her eyes begin to droop heavily in front of me.
“ISABEL” I hear his voice scream out shocked behind me as I feel his hands grab me painfully by my shoulder…throwing me to the floor below as he pulls her into his arms before she falls to the floor along side me. “Kyle…WTF” his cries of out right shock continue to echo around me…but I can’t speak a word as I stare into stunned and stupefied eyes…momentarily losing my coherent train of thought. “He…he…tried to kill me” I hear Isabel rasp crazily as she struggles to bring life giving breath into her air starved lungs. Again I know that I should feel bad for what I have just done…but again I don’t as I give her the deadliest look of warning before jerking myself off the floor as I race out of her room and into the cooling evening air. I find that his car blocks me and so I forgo my ride as I run like a fucking maniac down the street going god only knows where as tears flow in torrents down my anger red face.
“Kyle…what are you doing here” I hear the surprised voice of my girlfriend question me as I stand before her window. Her surprise turns to that of concern at the realization of my tears and look of pain upon my face as she opens her window enough for me to enter…gathering me into her warm and loving arms as she tries to sooth the hurt and the pain away. “Shhh…” she whispers lovingly against my ear as she leads me towards her bed…laying down besides me as she maneuvers me into a laying position…never once breaking the contact she has with my body. “I’m here for you. It’s ok Kyle…just let it out” she continues to sooth me as I cry unlike I have ever cried before.
For what seems like forever she holds me as I try to get some semblance of my sanity back…only to fail as I lose what little I have left. I don’t know what it is that I am doing…what it is that I am trying to prove as I crush her beautiful lips under my own…kissing her so fiercely that she cries out from the shock and the pain of it. “I want to make love to you Maria” I speak determinedly as I once again capture her stunned mouth with my own as I rip the tiny shirt that is covering her heaving breasts from her body. My hands are everywhere…but I feel nothing as she struggles to remove herself from where I have pinned her under the bulk of my frame as I try to block out the images of Max’s face before I ran off like the coward I am.
“Kyle…NO” I hear her scream out fearfully as she once again tries to push me away…but I am stronger and quicker as I capture them within my hands…pinning them above her head. I am becoming a monster. I can feel it as it takes control of my functions…rendering me useless as I snake my tongue down the soft juncture of her neck for no reason what so ever then to cause her more pain. Releasing her hands…I run mine down he taunt stomach…reaching her womanhood as I quickly spread her legs apart. I still feel nothing. No lust filled urges of wanton lust…nothing but mind numbing uselessness as I prepare to rape the women that has loved me without question for the last eight months. However…in my attempt to recover from my bout of madness Maria takes the few seconds I give her and bashes me across the face with some sort of womanly object…sending me crashing to the floor below. Stunned…I can only sit there rocking back and forth as I once again lose my mind. “Kyle…” she whispers fearfully through her own tears as she now kneels before me…attempting to once again comfort me even after what I have done to her.
“No…please no” I sob guiltily…as I pull myself off the floor. “Maria…I…I am so sorry” I gush between sobs of pain and confusion. “I…I never meant for this to get so out of control. I never meant to hurt you in anyway….but I can’t do this anymore”
“Kyle” she pleads…rushing forward as she captures me in her loving embrace. “It’s ok. I know that something is bothering you. I know that this was not you tonight. Just tell me what is wrong and we can try and figure out a solution”
I want to believe her that there is a solution to my problems…but that only solution is to leave her alone. I have dragged her though the ups and downs of my life for far to long. I know that I have to let her go so she can find love again. A love that will be able to give her things that she deserves to have. Someone that will love her more then anything else in the world and that someone is not I. “No…Maria” I sniffle through my tears as I make my way back out the window that I had climbed into before. “I can’t ever give you the love that you deserve to have. You are so beautiful…so loving and kind and you deserve to be treated the same way. I can never give you what you need and you know this to be true” I continued as I stood on the outside…looking in on the girl so racked with grief and pain that it causes my heart to shatter into a million pieces. “I am so sorry for the way that I have treated you tonight…but for always not being there in the ways that a man should be there for a women”
“Kyle…is that what this is all about…sex” she gushes…rushing forward as she attempts to climb out the window…only to have me thwart her advances.
“NO…” I speak firmly…instantly regretting it as she flinches in fear and confusion. “Maria…please” I speak a bit softer…cupping her beautiful face within my hand. “It isn’t just about the sex…although that is a huge part of being in a relationship. I can’t give you what you want me to give you…mentally or physically. I love you Maria…but I am not in love with you” My heart shatters even more…if that is possible as she pushes my hand away as if my touch has burned her…slamming the window in my face as she closes the drapes…leaving me alone yet again with my guilt and my shame.
I feel as if I am drunk…feel as if my whole perfect world has dissipated before my very eyes as I make my way in an exhausted state home. I have hurt the two people that mean the most to me in the world…hurt them with lies and my deceptions and I know that there is nothing that I can ever do to repair this damage. Finally I reach my home and pray to god that my father is not home since I really don’t want to have to explain to him the large gash wound on the side of my face from where Maria had hit me earlier…nor the look of absolute devastation that I know is so readable upon my face.
Wearily I open the door to the darkened house…sighing in relief as I find that he is in fact not home and will probably be out most of the night with one of his many girlfriends according to the note on the refrigerator. Slowly I drag myself into the bathroom where I proceed to clean up the cut that actually looks worse then it really is. The pain however is pretty severe…but it is nothing compared to the pain of my broken heart. Quickly I undress and pull my tired frame under the scorching waters of the shower…hoping that I can wash off some of the disgust that seems to be covering my entire body as I try to figure out just when I turned into the monster that I am. Answer pending…I reluctantly pull myself from the small area as I grab a towel from the shelf beside me…wrapping it around my waist as I make haste for the sanctuary of my room for there is nothing I want more then to lose myself in the realm of slumber…if that is even possible after all the shit that I have done tonight.
At first I don’t see him as he sits on the chair of my computer desk hiding silently in the shadows of my darkened room…but seconds later as I stand before him Behr chested and dripping…he makes his presence known. “Care to tell me just what the hell is going on with you” he asks…flipping the light switch of my desktop lamp…swathing the room with its blinding light.
“Nothing” I murmur as I move to the other end of the room…pretending to look in my closet as I try to control my wildly palpitating heart.
“Nothing…” he repeats in highly pissed off tones. “Nothing. First I find you choking the very life from my sister in my bedroom…when you should have been in school with me. Second…you almost rape Maria after crying on her shoulder for an hour…only to break up with her when she decides to forgive you and maybe even help you with whatever problem you seem to be having. So Kyle…it seems to me that there is a bit more then nothing going on here”
“Just leave it alone Maxwell” I speak tiredly as I grab a pair of running pants off of the shelf of the closet…jerking them over my naked lower half in a split second before turning to face the man that I love more then life itself.
“See this is the thing” he growls through clenched teeth as he pulls his structured frame off the chair…now standing before me with his hands upon his hips. “I can’t just leave it alone. See I have issues with best friends who…although she probably had it coming try to kill my sister and then do unspeakable things to someone that I love as a sister. There is something going on with you Valenti and I intend to find out what it is even if I have to beat it out of you”
“Don’t push this Max. I made a mistake. I did and said some things that I fully regret and will for the rest of my life…but you need to just forget about what happened tonight”
“Tell me” he speaks madly…pushing me backwards with his hands upon my Behr chest.
“No…” I speak firmly as I try to recover from his push…but also from the feelings that his touch has invoked in me.
“I said tell me” his demands continue as he pushes me backwards once again as I trip over my formerly discarded sneakers…almost losing my balance and falling to the floor.
“I said no god dammit,” I yelled back angrily…giving him a dose of his own medicine as I shove him backwards…sending him crashing into my computer desk. I don’t have time to react…don’t have a chance to do much of anything as he lunges forward so quickly that it catches me off guard as we both crash onto the hardness of the floor. Punches are thrown as blood is shed and all I can think about as he beats me senseless is just how much more this makes me love him. I love him and know that no matter what he does or says that I will continue to love him until the end of time. Exerted…we break apart as we lean against strong walls as they hold us upright for support…staring each other down in an attempt to intimidate the other. I know that I could win this war for I have been hiding who I truly am and what I feel for this man for far to long…but tonight it all becomes crystal clear to me.
“You want to know what is going on with me Maxwell” I whisper his earlier words through gasps of baited breath. “Just remember that I warned you before hand” I continue with my words as I take one final calming breath and begin to tell my story. “I’m gay” I blurt out…watching in horror the look of shock that quickly covers his face…only to be replaced by a look of disgust. “I am gay and I have been in love with you for the last few years…but I kept it a secret from you…from everyone because I was afraid of how they would react…but most importantly how you would react. But you know what Max…I don’t care anymore. I can’t continue to live this lie that I have lived with for the last few years. I love you…I have always loved you and I will always love you. I only dated Maria to hide my true feelings for you…but I know now that it was wrong of me to use her in that capacity. I…”
“I can’t listen to this shit anymore” I hear him reply snidely as he jerks himself off of the floor and makes a mad dash for the door of my bedroom. But I am quicker then he as I sprint over the computer chair…hindering his process as I wrap my arms around his neck and pulls his confused face towards my own. With quick measures I place my lips over the ones that I have longed to taste for what feels like forever as I pull him even tighter against my quickly heating body. At first he resists me…but then he does something that I never expected in a million years…he kisses me back. It is only for a brief second…and I may have even imagined it…but it is over all to quickly as he brutally forces me away…his fist sending me reeling as it makes contact with my unexpecting face. “You fucking make me sick” he spits evilly at me as I lay on the floor…wiping at the blood oozing out of my severely split lip. “You stay away from me…you stay away from Maria…you stay away from all of us…or I will make your life one hell of a living hell” And then he was gone.
“Who the hell did this to you” My father questions me angrily as he paces the length of the small emergency room cubicle.
“It doesn’t matter” I speak defeated as I pull myself off the examination table…cringing in pain as the full extent of my Max’s inflicted injuries hit me. With his fists of hate he has split my lip so severely that it took the doctor six stitches to stop the bleeding. I have a smaller sutured gash under my right eye as well as the one that Maria inflicted on me earlier tonight. My whole body feels as if a steamroller has rolled over it numerous times as I walk passed my stunned father and walk into the over crowded waiting room. “What the hell are you doing here anyway” I question as I turn to face him. “I didn’t call you and no one knew that I was here”
“I am the sheriff of this town. I know what is going on at all times” is his curt reply he grabs me by the shoulders…shaking me for emphasis…only to let me go abruptly as I cry out in pain. “Just tell me who the hell did this to you and I will take care of it” he continues as the nurse hands him the painkillers that I am to take for the next ten days.
“I just want to go home” I speak softly…heading in the direction of the exit…only to stop short as I come face to face with a clearly beaten Max…followed by his equally pissed off father. We don’t speak a word to each other…but our eyes speak a thousand and one silent words. His expresses his complete hatred of me and what I have revealed to him…where mine beg of his forgiveness and of a love that I know that he will never reciprocate.
“WTF…” I hear my father exclaim as he continues to stand behind me. I can hear the confusion in his voice…but I don’t care for all I want to do is go home and cry my heart out. I feel as if I may die from the deep heaviness of regret and sorrow that now placates it…and yet I know that I must move past the shame and the pain and once again begin the game of false appearances. “Kyle…Max did this to you…you did that to Max. What…why” he stammers as he assists me into his cruiser…but I continue to ignore his line of interrogation as I close my eyes and reply over and over the exact moment that I lost my best friend.
“Don’t think that I will just forget about this” he tells me as I hobble into my room…cringing in pain as I attempt to remove my blood encrusted t-shirt. As tenderly as is possible for my pop he helps me with the removal of my clothes as well as helping me put on my pajama bottoms as I crawl into bed…pulling the covers over my head to block out the rest of the world. “We will discuss this when you get up” his lecturing continues as he pulls the covers from atop my face. “I don’t get it Kyle…you and Max have been best friends since you were both knee high to a grasshopper and now you two are so battered and bruised that I should bring you both up on battery charges”
“Do what the hell you have to do” I yell out in agony and frustration as I try and control the torrent of tears threatening to consume me wholly. “Just do it…or leave me the fuck alone” The look on his face breaks my heart and it is yet another regret to add to my ever growing stash…but I can’t think about that now for all I want to do is lose myself to the pain killers for a bit before I have to reveal to my father that his only son is gay and in love with his best friend. “Pop…I’m sorry” I utter…my voice cracking.
“Just take these” he says sadly as he hands me the wanted drugs of my getaway. “I’ll check on you later and bring you something to eat if you’re hungry”
“Thank you” I croak…swallowing the huge pills in one gulp as I wash them down with the cooling refreshment of the water. “Thank you for everything…and pop I will tell you everything once I am up to it…promise”
Nodding…he takes the glass threatening to crash to the floor as the sleep inducing drugs begin to invade my system. I know that he is sitting besides my bed…watching me…trying to figure out just what the hell happened to his son…but the affects of the pills are to strong and before I know it my world dissolves into peaceful blackness. Hours later I awake to find him in the same spot that I had left him as he snores lightly on the computer chair that he has positioned right besides my bed. “Pop…” I call out to him…filching in fright as well as in pain as he jerks himself awake a startled look upon his worn and craggy face.
“What…what…are you ok” he questions me…concern heavily dripping from his words.
“I’m fine” I lie…sitting up as I try to prepare myself for the talk of a lifetime. “I know that you want to know what happened between Max and I and I will tell you…but you have to know that after I tell you it may change everything we have between us” I continue…swallowing the lump of fear now lodged deep within my throat.
“Nothing will ever change the way that I feel about you son. I…”
“Please just let me finish before you say another word” I beg…taking a deep breath before I begin with my story. I watch the range of emotions that flash across his craggy face as I spill the hard truth to the man that gave me life…the man that has taken care of me as a single parent from the moment that my mother walked out on us almost twelve years ago. “So that is what happened” I finish wiping at my tearful eyes as I await his response in fearful terror after spilling the whole awful truth to him.
“And your sure that your…your…gay” he asks after what feels like forever.
“I’m sure dad” I reply sadly…knowing that things will never be the same between us again. “I’ve known for quite a few years now…I just never wanted to reveal it to anyone until now”
“Ok…” he replies…rubbing my head like he used to when I was a kid as he removes himself from his chair…stretching as I sit wide mouthed before him. “Close you mouth there son your beginning to attract flies” he chuckles uneasily as I close my mouth…unable to pull my eyes away from his face.
“O…ok” I stammer in disbelief…not really knowing what to say or how to react to his simple words. “So your ok with what I just told you”
“Look Kyle I am not going to lie to you and pretend like I wasn’t shocked when you told me…but you are my son and as much as I don’t understand your choice…it is your choice. I will always love you…no matter what and that is a promise that I make to you as your father”
“I love you too dad” I sob as I rush forward…wrapping my arms around his waist as I hug him tightly like I used to do when I was a child. “Thank you so much for never stopping love me”
“I will always love you son…always” he sobs just as loud as I do…as he falls to his knees…pulling me tightly against his body as together we share of the love that we hold for each other…something that up until now we have never done once. “So what is going to happen between you and Max” he questions finally breaking the lock that we have on each other.
“Honestly pop I don’t know” I answer sadly as I pull the comforter under my chin as I lean upon it. “I don’t think that our friendship can survive now that he knows about the way that I feel about him and yet at the same time I am glad that he knows. I guess that I will find out tomorrow when I go to school”
“Oh your not going to school tomorrow” he yells as he makes his way towards the door. “You need to rest from your injuries…you can go back to school on Monday. Now I’m going to go and make something for us to eat and then I want you to get some rest…hear me”
“Yes sir” I chuckle as I send him a mock salute. For the rest of the evening as we eat the dinner that he has prepared for us we talk about old times. We talk about the future and what it might bring for me and for the first time ever I actually am looking forward to leaving Roswell…looking forward to seeing how others live out side of our small town.
[ edited 4 time(s), last at 14-Feb-2003 10:45:14 PM ]
posted on 28-Jan-2003 11:31:27 PM
I had a pretty rough night last night and am really thankful that my pop didn’t force me to go back to school right away. To tell you the truth I don’t know if I could have even stomached facing either Max or Maria today. I find that I am pretty lucky to have such an understanding father…lucky to have the life that I have despite all that has happened and then my luck disappears right before my eyes in the form of Maria standing at my window. Our eyes lock as we both stare at each other in utter shock…until I snap out of it and gesture her in. “OMG Kyle…” she cries out in shock as she climbs through the window now standing before my bed. “I thought that Max looked bad…but you look worse. When neither one of you showed up for school this morning I knew that something was wrong”
“How…how is Max” I question…unintentionally moving forward as I await her response.
“So it’s true” she sniffles…falling heavily onto the nearby computer seat. “Your in love with Max”
I can see the tears as they form in her eyes and for the hundredth time my heartaches for her because I know that it is I that has put them there. I want to lie to her…want to pull her into my arms and try and sooth some of her obvious pain…but I know that I can’t as I sit there with a look of pure sadness and guilt upon my face. “Yes…” I answer plainly…looking her straight in the eyes as I continue. “I never meant for this to get so far out of control Maria and I defiantly never meant to hurt you the way that I did. It was just easier to pretend that I was a normal teenage guy with a normal life then to be who I really am and I am so sorry for dragging you into my fucked up life…really so very sorry”
“You know Kyle I should really be mad at your for what you did to me…but I just can’t be. What you did was wrong…but I can understand why you did it. I know that you never meant to hurt me and I forgive you Kyle” she speaks clearly as she makes her way over to where I sit opened mouthed as she pulls me into her arms. I quickly expel the breath that I didn’t even know that I was holding as I wrap my bruised limbs around her waist and I cry unlike I have ever cried before upon her forgiving shoulders.
“Thank you Maria…I love you so much” I speak truthfully as I place a kiss upon her tear stained face. “And…and…Max”
“Max is confused Kyle” she cuts me off as she wipes at her face…before pulling herself off the bed as she make her way back towards the window. “Yesterday morning you were his best friend in the whole world and then by the afternoon you are spouting words of undying love. He doesn’t know what to think…what to do and if you want my advice I think that it is a good idea if you just let him be for the time being. Let him come to you when he is ready…don’t push it Kyle or you may lose him forever”
“I know…thanks Maria. What about you Maria…will you be talking to me at school” I question fearfully.
“You know better then to ask me that Kyle Valenti” she states irritated as she walks back to the bed…placing a quick kiss upon my lips before she heads back towards the window. “Get some rest and feel better. I will talk to you soon”
Fear inhabits me as I stand before my locker as I prepare for my dreaded classes, but I can’t control my eyes as I scan back and forth the halls hoping for just a glimpse of the man that I know hates me now with an undying passion. My breath catches in my throat as an exhausted and bruised Max strides his way down the hall with his bitch in tow. Our eyes lock, but he speaks not a word as he approaches his locker right next to mine and that simple gesture alone causes my heart to break. “Morning Kyle” Liz speaks to me as I pull my eyes from the man trying his damnest…and succeeding to ignore me. I can’t believe that she is speaking to me even after all that I have done to her boyfriend and her best friend, but as Max finally graces me with a look of indifference I see that he has opted not to tell her all the gory details and keep her in the dark. “Morning Liz” I murmur in hushed tones as I slam my locker shut and make haste for my first class, grateful that Max has kept my secret for whatever reason but also because the looks of hatred that he was shooting my was more then my already broken heart could bare.
This day feels as if it will never end and yet I still have the next four classes to look forward to…two of them with Max in them. Grudgingly I make my way into the room…hoping to have a few minutes to speak to Max even though I promised Maria that I would wait for him to come to me. Max however has other ideas as he sits on the far corner of the room…surrounded by the nerds and geeks as he makes idle chitchat with them. He stops his integration as I enter the room…but it is short lived for he seems to look right past me…continuing his chat with the outcasts as I drag my weary body towards my seat. Tears threaten my eyes as I sit…staring straight ahead as if entranced by the writing on the board…but if only these clueless people knew that I was trying to breath as my heart dies every so slowly as he continues to ignore my very existence. I have no idea what the teacher is droning on about…and I could careless as I lay my head upon the desk and allow the mental fatigue that has been haunting me to take me to another realm.
“Mr. Valenti” I hear a voice call out to me in angry tones as I jerk myself awake…only to find that everyone has cleared the room…except for myself and the teacher. “I am sorry that my class bores you this much” his rant goes on as he points to the drool pooled on top of the wooden table. “Now I am not going to claim to know what is going on between you and Evans…but it is apparent that whatever it is…it will be affecting both of your grades if you don’t work out whatever problems you may have” I have no idea what the hell he is talking about…but I nod my head anyway as I grab my backpack and make haste for the door. “Don’t think that I didn’t notice the bruises that you both have. I won’t get involved…but whatever it is…work it out before it gets anymore out of control. Nodding once again I rush out the door as I try to beat the dreaded tardy bell…but as usual I am late as I rush into the gym where all eyes are fixed on me. “Late again Valenti…” I hear the pissed off tones of the coach as he now stands before me…hands on hips. “You have two seconds to get your ass changed before I make you run one hundred laps”
“Fuck…” I whisper under my breath as I run like the wind into the locker room…slamming head long into an unseen entity. “Sorry I…” I am too stunned to finish speaking…too stunned to move a muscle as Max stands defiantly before me with that same look of distaste so readable on his finely chiseled face. Without so much as a word he pushes past me as he exits the locker room leaving me broken hearted for what felt like the tenth time that day. “VALENTI” I hear the couch once again call out for me as I throw my shit in my locker and change with the speed of a gazelle. “You and Evans…one hundred laps…NOW” he commands as he points between the two of us. “This is what happens ladies when you come late to my gym class” he lectures as I so as he has said and run after the sprinting form of my love.
“Max…can you please just talk to me” I beg as I easily catch up with the heavily breathing man. He continues to ignore me as he increases his pace…but I am determined as I also increase my pace…until I am once again running by his side. “Jesus Max I am sorry for everything. I should have kept my feelings for you a secret…but you wanted to know. You wanted to know so badly that you never once took my words of warning into consideration”
“So this is my fucking fault” he screams in maddened tones as he stops and faces me fully for the first time in days.
“Max…no that isn’t what I am saying”
“You listen to me you fucking queer and you listen to me good. I don’t give two shits as to what you feel for me. I don’t ever want you to speak to me again…don’t every want you to look at Maria or even Liz for that matter…or you will so live to regret it” I watch as he runs off…leaving me tearful and broken hearted yet again in his wake.
“When did you become this hateful” I cry out…the pain of his words so evident in my voice.
“When my former best friend told me that he was a fag and in love with me” he quips evilly…leaving me utterly stunned as he runs out of the gym…leaving me alone with the stupefied class standing silently before me.
posted on 4-Feb-2003 11:56:45 PM
I am hurting…my heart has been mutilated into a lifeless bloody form and yet I feel as if the weight of the world…in a sense as been lifted off of my shoulder. I know that it will be mere minutes before the whole school knows of my secret and yet I don’t care. I am tired of the lies…tired of having to be someone that I am not as I stand boldly before them. “Yes…you heard correctly…I am gay” I speak in a loud and proud manner as I ignore their shocked looks and continue with my laps. “Kyle Valenti is gay…make sure to tell your friends”
As expected the word has spread like wildfire as I make my way out of my gym class and toward the over crowded lunchroom. I can hear the whispers…see the pointing as I grab a tray and make my way down the food line and the thing is that once again I don’t care. I see Max…Maria and Liz sitting at our normal table and although I long to sit with my former friends and try to make things right…I know that nothing will ever be right between the three of us again. “Hey Valenti…” I hear someone call out to me as I continue to stand yards away from the people that I thought would be my friends for all eternity. Turning I lay my gaze upon the table of the outcasts. I expect to receive the taunting of a lifetime as I have made each and every one of their lives a living hell from the first day we entered these hallways of West Roswell High. However…I do not receive the payback that I so richly deserve…for upon their faces I see friendship and looks of complete understanding. “You can sit here…if you want” A tall…thin boy whose name I think is Alec or Alexi…speaks as he pulls out the orange plastic chair located besides him.
“Thanks man…” I accept in gratefully as I quickly sit besides him…as I check out the rest of the geek squad sitting in awe before me. “Um…Alec…Ale…”
“Alex…” he counters as he takes a sip of his diet soda. “That’s Jesse and Sean over there” he continues as he places his can upon the table…pointing at the two silent guys.
“Guys…” I nod as I become uneasy at the way that they are staring at me. “Don’t they speak” I question…becoming even uneasier with my choice of places to sit as they still stare at me with widened eyes.
“Guys…be cool” Alex jokes as he flings the wrapper from his straw at the two strange men. “Look Kyle…” he speaks…now directed at me. “The truth of the matter is that it is a bit overwhelming to have the man that has made their life a living hell for the last four years sitting at the same table as you”
“Then why did you invite me over” I ask…confused.
“Because the nerds and the geeks of this school are a forgiving bunch. No matter what you jocks may do to us we will always be there with an helping hand if needed”
“Thank you” I reply for I really have no other words to say as for the rest of the lunch period we eat in uncomfortable silence.
Six months later…
It is hard to believe that I am graduating tonight. Hard to believe that in two short weeks I will be moving from my home as I begin a new life in the great city of New York. I have been counting the days of my departure and yet I feel a deep sadness for so much of my life has played out here. I am no longer the same person that I was over a half a year ago as thanks in part to my good friend Alex I have learned to accept the real Kyle Valenti and I am a much more content person for it. Alex has become such a huge part of my life and I will forever be thankful for everything that he has done for me. He and he alone showed me that there is in fact nothing wrong with being different…that it is ok to be the person that I was meant to be and that nothing anyone else says or thinks makes a difference. It is hard to believe that he has been gone for nearly three months now…taken away from this earth so young in his life and all due to the stupidity of a drunk driver. I miss him terribly…but I know that he is in a better place…a place where the jocks of the world can’t hurt him. A place where as he has taught me…he can be whom ever he wants to me.
Since that last confrontation with Max that day in the gym…we have not spoken a word to each other. It is as if I no longer exist in his perfect world and although I have come to accept the fact that the friendship that once meant the world to me is over…I still harbor the same feelings of love for this man that I have in the past. “You ready to go Kiddo” I hear my father call out as he enters my room…standing before me teary eyed as I fiddle with this dreaded cap for it won’t sit right upon my head. “Let me help you” he speaks…a lump of sadness clearly evident in his throat.
“Thanks pop” I reply as I allow him to fix it so it sits perfectly upon my head. “You ok”
“Yep…fine” he speaks a bit to quickly as I turn to face him…concern ebbing its way into my heart. “I just can’t believe that my baby boy is graduating High School and going off to college in the big city”
“New York is not that far away and you know that I will be back for vacations and holidays just like we discussed earlier”
“I know…it’s just hard to believe that you were playing cowboys and Indians with…um…” he stammers…quickly trying to change the subject.
“With Max…” I finish for him as I lay my hand upon the one that is resting on my shoulder. “It’s ok pop…I am ok with what has happened between Max and myself”
“I know…” whispers…giving my shoulder a gentle squeeze. “Well come on lets get this show on the road”
I can feel my pulse race wildly through my veins as I sit nervously upon the stage as I await them to call my name. I can’t believe that I have done it…that I…Kyle Valenti former super jock and all around party boy is graduating in a matter of mere minutes as I glance carefully towards the front rows where Max sits with the rest of the honor society. I have to take a double take as I continue to gaze at his broad shoulders…only to come face to face with a pair of beautiful hazel eyes that seems to scream out to me and yet I have no idea what they seem to be saying as he quickly turns his head…making me wonder if I just imagined the look shared between the two of us or not. “Kyle Valenti” I hear my name boom loudly around me as I shake my head as if to clear my thoughts before standing before the fickle class of two thousand and two. Taking my diploma I look over the hoard of classmates and I can’t help but smile. After I was ripped from the closet by Max…most of these people who claimed to be my friends wanted nothing more to do with me. I was made to be an outcast…only to be taken in by those others whom they had banished from their childless and silly ways. My eyes settle on my only true friends…Jesse and Sean as I give them the thumbs up sign. “Good bye West Roswell High” I whisper as I switch my tassel over to the other side of my cap before making my way back to my seat.
“Ladies and Gentlemen I would like to introduce to you the graduating class of two thousand and two”
posted on 9-Feb-2003 11:45:53 PM
One Week later…
“Hey pop” I speak as I breeze into the house after a brisk morning jog. My heart stops in my chest as he stands in the doorway of the kitchen with a look of pure upset sprawled across his face. “Kyle…you may want to sit down for this” I hear him speak in soft sounds as I clutch the counter that I am standing by as I await his dreadful words. “Max is in the hospital” he finally speaks…as I fall heavily into the chair that he has pulled out for me. “He developed a severe kidney infection and is in a coma at Roswell Memorial”
I can’t breath…can’t blink…can’t do anything but sit there as his words sink in. “I…I have to go see him” I stammer as I jump up off the chair…grabbing my keys off of the kitchen table as I blaze a trail for my car.
“Kyle…no” he calls out after me…hindering my efforts to leave. “Max’s father has asked that you not come to the hospital. He…he thinks that I stress of having you there may make things worse for Max”
“But…I need …he needs…I need to be there” I cry out in ultimate despair as I once again try and make my way out the front door. “Please…he needs me” I sob as my father pulls me into his arms…allowing me to retch all the shock and the pain from my stunned body.
“I know you want to be there for Max right now son” he soothes. “But you have to abide by the wishes of his parents” Nodding I pull out of his embrace as I trudge tiredly towards the sanctuary of my bedroom. I fall to the floor from the sheer weight of this horrifying news as I cry for the possible loss of my friend. “No…I won’t let this happen” I whisper to no one but myself as I pull my weary body off the floor and walk into the bathroom for a much needed shower. I have a plan…a plan that I hope to allow me to speak to Max…to let him know that despite what has happened that I am here for him and I always will be. I just have to be patient…have to wait until the time is right and then I will put this foolproof plan into action.
Darkness descends upon me in a slow and tortuous way as I look at my watch for what feels like the hundredth time. Since I received the news of Max’s ill health I have locked myself within the confines of my box-covered bedroom waiting the hour for when I will put my plan into action. “Kyle…” I hear my father call out through the thickness of the locked door. I ignore him…hoping against hope that he thinks that I am asleep and go away…but I know better as I hear a key turn in the lock as he now stands before me with a look that I can’t quite read upon his face. “Just make sure that you don’t do anything stupid son” I hear him respond as I give him a look of pure shock. “If the coast is not clear then get your ass out of there…you hear me”
What can I do but nod at the man that has been there for me every step of my young life. “You…you’re not going to try and stop me” I stammer as I continue to stand stunned before him. “Could I” he asks a small smile upon his face. “No…” I speak in determined tones as I reach around him and grab my jacket off the bed behind him. “I have to see him pop…I have to let him know that I will still be there for him despite everything that has happened”
“I know son…I know” is his response as he pulls me into his arms. “Just be careful and tell Max that I am thinking about him” Nodding once again…I remove myself from his embrace as I race in the direction of my car. I make it to the hospital in record time as I scan the small parking lot for any sign of his parent’s cars. A breath of relief escapes me...as I find none as I run towards the entrance…already knowing which room and floor he is staying on thanks to my father.
“Hey Kyle…what are you doing here” I hear the voice of the night nurse speak to me…causing the heart rate to explode within my chest. I contemplate lying to one of the many that my pop has dated in the last few years…but instead I opt for the truth as I explain to her…avoiding some truths as to why I am there. She seems to understand as he leads me towards his room…asking me to give my father a message to call her before she leaves to make her rounds. I agree…but I quickly put it behind me as I slowly enter the room…my breath catching in my throat at the sight I see before me.
There is lays before me sleeping as monitors of every shape and size clutter the tiny room. He looks pale and unhealthy…so much unlike his former vibrance and it causes my eyes to mist suddenly. I know that my time is short as I make my way towards his bed…sitting on the chair directly besides him as I take his lifeless hand into mine. “Hey Max…” I whisper…awaiting some sort of response…even the negative kind and yet I receive nothing. “I know that you probably don’t want me here…but I had to come and see you despite everything that has happened in the last few months. Gosh…why is this so hard” I say…tears of frustration rolling down my eyes. “I just miss you so much. Forget the other stuff that has happened…I miss my best friend. The one that used to take care of me whenever I drank to much…the one that drove all the way to Dexter to buy Linkin Park tickets so you could surprise me for my birthday…the one that I could tell anything to. I know that I screwed things up when I pledged my undying love to you Max…but I never expected for you to react the way you did. However…I am not blaming you since I don’t know how I would have reacted if the shoe was on the other foot. Well that’s not exactly true since we both know exactly how I would have reacted…but I have become a different person from the one you used to know. But…I didn’t really have much of a choice once you ripped me out of the closet in gym class that day”
A small chuckle expels from me as I continue to hold his frail hand within the warmth of my own. “But I am glad that you did it…for it helped me to realize the real me. I never really understood your reasoning for getting to know the rejects of our school…but I get it now. I’ve gotten to know them and they accept me despite the fact that I was such an ass towards most of them before all this happened. Alex…I think that you knew Alex” I continue sadly as thoughts of Alex invade my brain. “He showed me a side of myself that I never even knew that I had. He was such a great guy Max…I think that you two would have really hit if off if a drunk driver hadn’t killed him. Anyway…he proved to me that forgiveness is the greatest gift that you can ever bestow on anyone when he took me into his little group of misfits and I hope that you can forgive me one day for the way that I trashed the most important relationship in my life with words of love. But I do love you Max…I love everything about you and I just want you to know that despite the way that you feel about me…I will always consider you the best friend that I ever had in the world” tears cloud my vision as I try and stop my heart from shattering in my chest for I know that after tonight…good or bad…I won’t ever see Max again. In a few scant days I will be leaving Roswell forever…including him.
“You’ll never guess what happened though” I grin through my tears…trying to lighten my already heavy mood. “I got accepted into college. Don’t be shocked or anything since the only thing that was of any importance to me at the beginning of my senior year was partying my ass off…but after what happened I began to buckle down. My grades improved and I actually found myself looking forward college life. I will be going to a small college in New York and despite the fact that it will take me away from you and everything that I love about Roswell…I can’t wait to go. But…before I go you have to get better. Do you hear me Max” I question as I lean in yet again and await a response. “You have to promise me that you will get better and live out the dreams that we always talked about. You wanted to go to college and become a doctor…you wanted to get out of the small town of Roswell and make a difference in this world…but you can’t do that from this bed. Please Max…come back to me and if not for me then come back to everyone else that loves you like I do. I guess that I should go” I whisper…not wanting to ever leave his side but knowing that I must. “I just want to leave you with these parting words. You have been the best friend that I have ever had and I want to thank you for helping to shape me into the man that I know I have become. Take care Max…go out into our fucked up world and make the difference that I know you can make. Bye Max. I…I…love you” With downcast glances I make my way out of his room…turning to look one final time at the man that will forever hold the most important piece of my heart.
posted on 14-Feb-2003 10:45:47 PM
Twenty-Four Hours Before Leaving Roswell…
It is hard to believe that I am leaving the only place that I have ever known as home in just a short twenty-four hours. My room has been emptied of my treasured memories…the car is pack with just about everything that could stuff into it and yet I feel as if I am leaving such a huge part of myself behind. On a positive note…Max has fully recovered and is out of the hospital. They claim that it is a miracle that he pulled out of it so quickly…especially since the prognosis of him coming out of the coma was slight and I like to think that is some small way my visit that night had something to do with it…even though I know that it did not. I have been longing to go and visit him one last time before I leave tomorrow…but with him recovering at home now I am just not willing to deal with confrontation with him or his family.
With a heavy heart I change out of my jeans and tee shirt…quickly pulling on a pair of pajama bottoms as I ponder what I will do for the next several hours since I know that sleep is not an option. I know that I should sleep…know that I should try to get any sort of rest before I head out onto the open road tomorrow and yet I know that slumber is a far from visiting me anytime soon. I quickly decide to fill the dreaded time as I fill my stomach and so I head off towards the kitchen for something edible to eat. As I prepare my snack…I hear the doorbell ring and yet I choose to ignore it for I know that at this hour of the night it must be my father’s latest girlfriend. I hear him speak and yet I still pay him no mind until he makes his presence in the kitchen know with a clearing of his throat. “What’s up pop” I speak with my back still towards him as I pour myself a glass of cold milk. “You want me to make you and your little friend a sandwich so you can build your energies” I chuckle…turning to face him and what I find before me makes my heart stop in my chest…makes the world around me begin to flicker and I find that I may actually faint as I look upon the sight of Maxwell Evans standing in my kitchen.
“I will leave you two alone” I vaguely hear my father say as he pats Max on the back in a friendly manner before grabbing his keys and heading out the door…leaving us completely and utterly alone.
“Hey Kyle…” he speaks in whispered tones as he continues to stand nervously before me as he awaits a response from me. I can’t speak as I sit heavily upon the chair located directly in front of me…still not believing that he is infact standing in this very same room.
“Why are you here” I ask…as the apparition continues to stand solid before me…proving to me once and for all that he is in fact real.
“I…I…just wanted to say good bye to you before you leave Rowell” he speaks and I find that I have to really strain to hear his always anticipated words and yet they do not have the same effect that I would have expected them to have on me. Where I would have expected to instantly forgive and forget…I find that I am angry and more then a little hurt and even though this is the one thing that I have wanted from the moment he ripped the threads of our friendship apart…I also find that I no longer feel the same way as I once have.
“Go away Max” I speak dejected as I forgo my intended snack and push my way past his stunned form. “Kyle please…” I hear him call out as he follows me into the deserted hallway that we used to play cowboys and Indians in while growing up.
“Please what…” I yell as I turn to face him as the anger that I have been hoarding deep within consumes me. “Please forget that you are the one that beat me into a bloody pulp because of the words I spoke to you. Please forget that you made my private life very public for the whole student body of West Roswell High because of those words as well. Please forget how you sabotaged the friendship that meant the most to me in the entire world because you were unwilling to try and understand that I was different. Please forget that you would talk to all the outcast and losers of WRH at the drop of a hat and yet you haven’t spoken a word to me in over six months. So tell me Maxwell what is it that you want” I mock as I bow before him hoping to inflict some of the pain that he has been inflicting on me all these past months.
“This…” he replies as he quickly steps forward…placing both hands along the side of my face as he covers my stunned lips with his own. At first I can only stand there unmoving…but then my reality comes into sharp focus and before I have a chance to use coherent thought as an option…my body has other plans. Under no control of my own I wrap my arms around his neck as I quickly bridge the gap between us. His tongue skims over my still stunned lips as I quickly part them for fear that once again this may be a dream…a dream that I never want to wake from. Our tongues clash in urgent response as the heat from his body mixes with my own sending my need to consume him out into the stratosphere as I take the lead and begin to plunder the wetness of his mouth…only breaking short as the need to breath forces us apart. For a brief moment we stand before each other…forehead to forehead as we try to recoup our captured breath and before I have a chance to speak a single syllable…he breaks the magic of the moment. “I’m so sorry Kyle” he speaks quickly with winded breath as he breaks the heated contact of our bodies. “I am so sorry for everything that I have said and done to you in the past. I wish that I could take it all back…but I know that I cannot. Just know this…I am proud of the man that you have become and I will always regret not being able to grow like you have” I close my eyes as he places one final kiss upon my lips for I know that it is the last one that we will share ever and I want to relish it for the rest of my life. “I love you Kyle”
Tears fill my eyes as his words of love reach my ears and yet all I can do is nod and allow him to leave me here teary eyed and once again heartbroken. I know that this was hard for Max…know that it took every once of his courage to come to me and give me the two things that I have wanted for so very long and yet what confuses me beyond belief is wither or not this display of love and semi affection was for my happiness or is there something that Max may be trying to tell me. I want to ponder these thoughts…in truth I want to chase after him and make him give me the answers that I deserve…but I don’t for I know that it is time to move on with my life…time to move on from Max.
Ten Years Later…
“Come Valenti…you have to meet this guy. Trust me on this…he is perfect for you and besides he’s seen you in the hospital before and he thinks you are quite the handsome man” I hear my co-worker and former boyfriend drone on for like the hundredth time today alone. For weeks he has gone on and one about this mystery man that has recently transferred to the hospital that we both work in and in truth I am really very tired of hearing about him. Scott and I have just recently broken up due to irreconcilable differences and I am so not ready to begin dating again.
“I told you before that I am not ready to start dating again” I respond firmly…having to laugh at the look of frustration upon his handsome face.
“Jesus Kyle…you can’t still be hung up on me” he counters…running his hand through his thinning hair. “We broke up over a year ago and…”
“We broke up six months ago and no Scott I am not still hung up on you” I answer truthfully as I pull another file from the to do folder…over crowded on my desk and open it. “You and I were a mistake from the beginning” I wink and smile at the look of mock hurt upon his face.
“Damn have a heart man” he quips as he grabs for his chest…falling from his chair. “And since you have broken my heart…I think that the least that you can do is go out with him” he continues as he lays his head upon my knee…looking up at me with the saddest puppy dog eyes I have ever seen.
“Ok…ok…ok” I yell in surrender…quickly closing the file that I have been trying to work on. “Fine…you win. I will go on a date with the mystery man if only it means that you will leave me the hell alone from now on”
“Oh Kyle…you are so going to be thanking me for this one for the rest of your life” he counters happily as he pulls himself off the floor…racing for the door. “Now get you ass out of here and go get ready for the hottest date of your life” he gushes as he turns and faces me once again.
“What…tonight” I stammer…shoving the folder back into the in box.
“Yes tonight…he is picking you up at your place at eight o’clock” and then he is gone.
“⊕#%$…” I growl as I jump off the chair I am sitting on…rushing out of the cramped office as I try to figure out just why in the hell I agreed to this in the first place. I make it home in record time…running three red lights and nearly slamming into the car in front of me at a stoplight and yet despite all that I still only have a little less then an hour to shower and change. I have no idea what to wear…where we might be going…or why I am even attempting dating again after the last three fiascos of my love life and yet I rush up the stairs with the intent of going along with this madness. Twenty minutes later I am showered…shaved and I must say it looking hot as I splash a little aftershave lotion on freshly shaven face before making my way down stairs to await my date.
I have to admit that I am now looking forward to this dating adventure for in truth I have been feeling a bit on the lonely side since Scott and I agreed to stop seeing each other. I think that this date will do me some good and who knows there might even be a love connection…but in truth I am not getting my hopes up. The ringing of the doorbell pulls me from my thoughts of the negative as I jump up from the couch…check my reflection one last time in the hallway mirror before opening the door to greet my date and then my world begins to grow fuzzy.
“MAX…” I whisper is complete and utter shock as the man that has controlled my heart and soul for as long as I can remember stands before me with a look that I cannot quite decipher through my bleary eyes.
“Kyle…” he calls out concerned as he lunges forward catching me in his arms since I don’t seem to have any control of my appendixes any longer. I can only gape at him though stunned eyes as he easily scoops me up against his chest…leading me to the couch as he lays me upon it. “I knew seeing me was going to be a shock…I just didn’t think that it would be this much of a shock” he chuckles uneasily as I shake my head in an attempt to clear my ⊕#%$ up vision…for I know that there is no way that the same man that I have been in love with in like forever…but shattered my heart into a million pieces just the same is sitting beside me as he holds my hand within the warmth of his own.
“Your not real…” I speak in soft tones as I reach out and touch his heated and yet so handsome face. Immediately I pull my hand back as if it has burned me…once again speechless.
“I am real Kyle and I am here” he speaks more firmly as he takes my hand into his once again. “Look Kyle I know that you are confused…I know that you are shocked and probably more then a bit angry…but everything has changed since the last time I saw you. I am different and when I saw you all those weeks ago at the hospital I just knew that it had to be a sign” he babbles on and yet I can barely register what it is that he is speaking as I once again reach out and touch his face. He closes his eyes as I run my fingertips over the rugged features…tracing the zig zagging scar located across his chin from when I accidentally pushed him through the sliding glass window of his parent’s home while playing ninja games when we were younger. I know that I should be angry…know that I should be more confused and shocked then I already am…but in truth all I can feel is the pounding of my heart as he opens his eyes and looks at with such hope shining brightly from them. “I know that I don’t deserve it…but I hope that you can forgive me for everything that I have done and give me another chance”
His eyes…those beautiful hazel eyes suck me into the very depths of his soul and I can see and feel everything he is feeling without him speaking one single word. He is afraid…but willing to take a chance just like the chance I took long ago. I can see his fear…and yet his undying hopefulness screams out not to be ignored. I can feel my own fear begin to consume me for I had taken this chance long ago and was brutally rebuffed in the most heartbreaking of ways. I want to say no…want to tell him to leave and to never grace me with his presence again and yet as I look once again into those soul-searing eyes of his I speak from my heart before my brain has a chance to speak up. “Ok Max…” I whisper as I pull myself off the couch and head towards my kitchen. “But first I need a beer”
I can feel the relief that rolls off his body as he follows me into the kitchen…sitting on a nearby stool as he waits for me to speak again. Quickly I yank the cold from the contents of the fridge as I down half the bottle before turning to face him yet again…a bottle in hand for him as well. “Thank you” he says as I hand him the beer as I sit down on the stool across the table from him. No one speaks as we sit there in uncomfortable silence until I feel as if I may go mad from the heaviness of it all. “I guess your wondering how this whole blind date thing came to pass” he asks…taking a large swig from his bottle.
“Yeah…a little” I respond as I do as he and take another jolt of my liquid courage. “That seems like a good place to start”
“Well it all started when I literally ran into Scott on my first day at the hospital. I was running late due to the fact that I had miscalculated the midtown traffic” he chuckled…the cutest grin covering his face. “I ran out of the elevator so fast in my rush that I didn’t even see him until I was bull dozing over him. I was so embarrassed…but I quickly got over it as he pulled himself off the floor and promptly told me how good looking he thought I was and then proceeded to ask me out on a date” I can’t help my own laughter as I recall the similar way that Scott and I had met and how he had asked me on a date immediately afterwards.
“I bet he almost cried when you told him that you were straight and probably married as well” I counter…playing off my apprehension though my laughter.
“No…” he quickly answers. “He actually did some sort of strange happy dance when I told him that I would love to go out on a date with him and no Kyle I am not married to anyone”
I know that my mouth must be hanging open as I continue to sit before him…my heart hammering so hard in my chest that I know that he must heavy every single beat of it. “You…you went out of a date with Scott…with a man” I stammer…trying to understand what it is that he is trying to say.
“Yes…I went out of a date with a man…with Scott….but he has not been the first man that I have gone out on a date with” he continues…reaching across the table as he takes my hand into his…giving it a gentle squeeze as he continues with his words. “I came out of the closet four years ago but it has taken me this long to get past my regrets and stupidity from all those years ago to get the courage to come to New York and find you. You have been all that I have thought about for so many years before that…but I wasn’t ready to admit who I was or what my true feelings for you are and…”
“And now you are” I answer quietly…amazed that I can speak…much less breath as he continues to hold my trembling hand…as those every expressive eyes scream out to me yet again.
“Yes I am” he answers quickly as he tightens the hold that he has on my hand. “Do you want to know why I acted the way that I acted after you told me that you were in love with me” I watch as he waits for me to say something and when I don’t he continues. “I acted like that because on that night when you told me that you loved me you forced me to think about things that I had been avoiding for quite awhile”
“Huh…” I answer more confused then before…as I remove my hand from his and begin pacing the kitchen in a nervous manner.
“Before that night I had been questioning my own sexuality” he responded quickly…his head moving in sync with the rhythm I have before him as he follows me with his eyes. “I was feeling things about myself that didn’t quite make sense. Where I should have been finding my girlfriend attractive…instead I found myself ogling the guys in the locker room…or one guy that is” he continues as he hangs his head in an attempt to hide the blush now covering his face. “I loved Liz…really I did…but it was you that plagued my mind constantly. I would think about you constantly Kyle. I wanted to spend every waking moment with you and yes I wondered what it would be like to kiss you…hold you…experiment in the ways that I should have wanted to experiment with Liz…with you. She and I would fight constantly about the amount of time that we spent together and quite often she would question the truth of our relationship…and my answer was always the same…you and I were just friends. I know now that I was in love with you…but at the time it frightened me down to my very soul and when you admitted that you loved me…I did the only thing I could think to do…”
“You beat my ass and then made me feel like a freak and an outcast for the rest of the school year” I counter angrily. “So let me get this straight…you had feelings for me and when I spoke words that you wanted to hear anyway…you hurt me in the worst possible way…you ended the most important thing that meant anything to me”
“Yes…out of fear of the unknown…fear of what others might have thought or said. I know you thought I was this great person who loved all and didn’t care what the masses of WRH thought of me…but you would be wrong. I wasn’t ready to be different….wasn’t ready to be the outcast…even if that meant I lost you in the process. I know it was shallow. I know that I hurt you…but I was hurting to Kyle. Every day that you suffered…I suffered ten times over. I know that I was wrong and that I can never take back any of the pain that you have experienced due to me…but I would like it if you gave me another chance Kyle. I know that almost ten years have past…but there hasn’t been a day gone by that I haven’t thought about you and the way that I feel about you”
“You don’t know anything about me” I counter tearfully as I slam my hands powerfully before the startled man. “You have no idea the emotional damage you caused me. You have no idea the gallons of tears that I cried as you…Liz and Maria went on as if I didn’t exist after that night. You shut me out…you made me feel lower then dirt and now you want me to forgive you and just accept these words of bullshit that you just spouted”
“Yes…” he answers truthfully as he lays his hands atop my clenched ones. “I know I don’t have the right to ask this of you…but I do” I feel the heat of his fingers burn into my skin as he runs them lazily across my whitened knuckles and for a brief moment I close my eyes and relish it…but it is short lived as I yank them away…shoving them deep within my jean pockets. “I guess the question is just this simple” he continues…hurt dripping from his voice as well as those damn eyes. “Can you ever forgive me”
I don’t know what to say…don’t know what to do as I stand before him my heart breaking and yet at the same time re-healing itself. His words have brought back the horror of the past and yet it has helped me move on into the brightness of the future…a future of which I have no idea if Max will be a part of. “I need to think about it” I speak plainly…falling back onto the vacated stool. “Please…just give me time to think about it”
“Ok…” he whispers meekly as he removes himself off of the stool he is sitting one as he makes his way towards the front door. I watch as he turns and casts one last look before reaching for the doorknob…tears flowing down his cheeks. Turning back he opens the door and steps outside the barrier of the door and I feel as if my world is ending…feel as if I allow him to continue out the door that I will never see him again and no matter the amount of pain that he has caused me in the past that is something that I just can’t allow.
“I’ve thought about it” I yell after his retreating figure as he stops and turns now facing me as I make my ways towards him. He doesn’t say a word…just continues to stand there with those cursed tears cascading down his chiseled cheeks…tears that I know are trailing down mine as well. “I forgive you” I reply truthfully through my tears as I lunge myself against the broadness of his chest. I feel his arms wrap around me instantly…crushing me even tighter against him as I fight for winded breath…but I don’t care for there is nothing better then being held by the man that I still love like no other. “I forgive you Max…but I want to take it slow. I don’t want to rush into anything too quickly. I…”
“I will wait for as long as you need” he whispers against my ear as he leans his wet cheek against my own. I can feel his heart beat unhurriedly in his chest as he continues to hold me and I can’t help but smile since I know that we still have such a long way to go before we can truly move away from our issues of the past…but as my heart falls in sync with his…I know that after tonight this man will never leave my side again…ever. “Kyle…” I hear his whisper as he pulls me from my thoughts of my life with him. “I know I said I would wait…but is it alright if I kiss you”
“I’ve been waiting ten years to hear you say that” I reply happily as I stare into eyes that radiate the love that he holds for me. Slowly our lips incline…so slowly that I feel that we may never come together…but it is short lived as we finally join in jubious splendor. Quickly our lips part as tongue begin joyful exploration of places vaguely familiar and yet so new. His mouth is warm…his tongue tasty and wet as he kneads my own as I quickly turn the tables as I wind my hand though his luminous mane…pulling him further inside my heated cavern.
The need for air become eminent...as we reluctantly break apart…forehead to forehead as we gaze into each others love soaked eyes. I need this man…need to feel his skin upon my skin…need to feel the heat of his body soak into mine and as I continue to stare into his glorious eyes and I know that he will not be leaving this place for the rest of the weekend…quite possibly ever. Taking his hand…I instinctively intertwine his fingers within my own as I take the lead towards the privacy of my bedroom. I don’t speak a word and neither does he as he silently follows. I am sure that he feels as I do…sure the if either one of us speaks a word then this magnificent dream will be over before it even has a chance to start and this is something that may kill me if it doesn’t happen.
I capture his lips immediately as we enter the room…exploring…caressing…tasting the very essence that is Max Evans and his wondrous mouth. I can hear him moan slightly as I increase the intensity of our lips lock as my hands begin to explore the granite like back and shoulders of this powerfully built god before me. “I thought you wanted to take this slow” he pants in a halfhearted attempt to remain in control and I can’t help but grin at him evilly with my response.
“Tomorrow we can be concerned about going slow…tonight is all about ⊕#%$ your brains out so you won’t ever want to leave again”
His eyes nearly bulge out of their sockets as I roughly run my hands over his sides as I stop at his hips…jerking his cursed polo shirt from the confines of his waistband as I quickly pull it over his head. I don’t know what has gotten over me since I have never been this aggressive with any of my other lovers…but with Max I find that I long to be in control and under no circumstances am I willing to allow that to change as I quickly undo the buckle of his belt…tossing it in the direction that his shirt followed just seconds earlier. With nimble hands I unbutton the top button of his dress slacks…the zipper quickly following as I tug his pants down his long and lean legs…tapping him impatiently on the leg as they pool at his feet and then they are gone as I toss them haphazardly over my shoulder.
Mere material stands between the one thing that I have longed to look upon for far to many years to count as I kneel before him my mouth watering for what I am about to do…for what I am about to taste as I leisurely trail this damn material down his leg as it too pools at his feet. I immediately forget about other things as I gaze up and find the most beautiful penis I have ever seen standing large and in charge before my fully drooling lips. I can’t speak a word…can’t even get my body to react in any kind of manner as I continue to kneel before him in grateful acknowledgement of the beautiful organ that god has bestowed upon this man. “Kyle…” I hear Max groan as he looks down upon me with concern and lust filled eyes. Forcing reality to come back into play I pull myself into an upright position as I grab a handful of hair and jerk him forward until I have his lips captured under my own once again.
His hands are everywhere as we continue to share of our lip lock and before I even know what has hit me I am nearly nude as I stand before him with a grin upon my face as I look at the pile of clothes quickly gathering behind me. “Your really good at this” I chuckle lustfully as I quickly rip off the remainder of my clothing…before jumping onto the softness of my bed. I can hear him mutter something incoherent…but in truth I could careless as to what he has to say as I sit before him…hands behind me for support…wide open and awaiting the impending heat of our love making. “Come to me Max” I speak hungrily as I devour his naked form before me with my eyes. He doesn’t waste a second as he rips the last shred of clothing from his body before jumping atop my squealing frame…pinning me fastly to the bed behind me.
His hands are everywhere as I realize that I have quickly lost control of our sex games and yet I don’t care as his raging ⊕#%$ rubs tortuously over my own hardness…causing me to cry out in pleasureful pain. My head is swimming as he kisses and tastes every square inch of my body with his glorious mouth and tongue until I think that I may explode just from the way it is making me feel. It however…is nothing compared to the feeling as his hot cavern descends over my fully raging boner as he inhales my very length into his depths. “Holy ⊕#%$” I cry out even louder then before as he continues to suck my nearly exploding dick so hard that I know that he will be swallowing my cum for days later if he does not stop. “Max…Please” I beg as he continues with his ministrations…causing my body to go into complete and utter overload as pre-explosion shivers begin to inhabit my frenzied body.
“Please what…” he teases as he blows lightly upon my oozing pole. “Please do this…” he continues as he licks the full length of my girth like a scrumptious lollypop…paying particular attention to my cream coated slit before removing his mouth…only to start all over again. “Or how about this…” he taunts me as he stops with his dick licking…placing his hand tightly around my ramming rod as he begins to set a rhythm that quickly has me spouting my juice like a whales blowhole all over his grinning face. “Jesus…” I wheeze as I try and regain my senses about me as he moves his way up my body…not giving me time to regain thought much less breath as he attacks my unsuspecting lips with such vigor that I know they will be bruised and swollen in the morning.
After mere moments I quickly get my wits about me as I turn the tables quickly on this man…pining him under the bulk of my frame as I reach across the bed and ply open the dresser drawer as I such its contents for seriously needed materials. “Eureka” I exclaim as I locate the lube and condoms I keep at my bedside for moments just like these as I rip open the foil package quickly with my teeth before placing its contents in my mouth. With a lime green condom grin I expertly cover his weeping dick with my mouth…as Max gaps at me over the vastness of his body with stunned eyes. With careful measures I roll the condom down his ⊕#%$ stick with my lips and tongue…making sure to apply just the right suction and pressure to ensure its proper adjustment. Triumphant…I squeeze the tip with my fingers…making sure that he has enough room to hold his load as I snap open the lube and begin to oil up his penis with my hands. “⊕#%$ me Max…” I beg as I pull myself off of his body as I turn and kneel before him in await of what I hope to be the ⊕#%$ of my life.
I don’t have to wait long as he jerks himself upwards…positioning him self at my hole…before sliding in every so slowly…inch by pleasure filled inch. “OMG…” I hear him cry out as he fill me to capacity with his length before setting a rhythm that soon has him crying out my name over and over and over again. I love the way that my name rolls off of his beautiful lips…love the way that he feels deep inside me and I know that no other man will ever make love to me the way that Max is making love to me right now. I know that he is close as he clasps him hands tightly upon the tender skin of my things and yet I don’t care as I aide in his oncoming release by increasing the pace of his actions. “Kyle…Kyle…Kyle…” he screams ring out all around me as he shoves himself deeper inside me one last time before exploding his seed…quickly filling the textured lamb skin. I feel his arms wrap around my chest as he pulls my back up against his heaving chest as he nuzzles my sweat-covered neck with his nose. “I love you Kyle” he whispers…causing tears to mist my eyes once again at the amount of truth rippling from those very words.
“I love you too” I counter just as truthfully as I lean back as we lay cheek to cheek…trying to control our converging emotions. I know that it makes no sense…know that after ten years of being apart that we should take things slow. I know that I should ignore the raging love that I have held for him for the last thirteen years and recall the pain and the hurt that he has caused…but as he lays us against the softness of the pillows…spooning his body against mine…I know that none of that matters anymore. I love him…he loves me and despite what fate has for store for us in the future I already know that as long as we are together we can get though anything.