posted on 3-Oct-2002 8:15:08 AM
My Original Sin

I'm shutting me out
you found me out
My original sin
I cannot do without
I'm gonna stay two's company
Yeah it's great to say two's company
It means I will stay

Summary : (AU) Liz's POV ….Aliens yeah there are some little green men that will appear in the story later…yeah but for all we know Max is human. And Pierce is not the bad guy this time Dammit!…what don't look at me like that! It's an AU! Ok ? relax!
Pairing: (Liz/Pierce) (Liz/Max)

Birthday parties didn't make me officially happy or sad but now they do ......I've always been what everyone else thinks the problem child and usually staying at home it keeps me somewhat content and comfortable not because I'm used to being alone …or probably I am I'm not sure about these things…… from a long time ….mom's working now since dad left …….he was …no is the best but it's not when dad left that I was alone I always kept to myself in school at home even at this birthday party thrown by the proud parents of Roy …Mr. And Mrs. Pierces 1 year old boy he's small cute with bright blue eyes … a small white a suit in which he's obviously uncomfortable even when the hotel's completely air conditioned the little guy just rings on and off on Daniel or Carmine's shoulder…I wanted to say give him over to me he smiled when I came in and even reached out his small finger's at me…..I shook the soft hand cooing at him softly as well …because I'm silent not that I'm mute or anything I do talk but very less…not even with my own mom….she's got her own problems and keeps sitting on the bed with her knee to her chest thinking ….thinking about how their family was torn apart their world turned upside down …why did it happen…..and I can tell by standing in the door frame of my own room that she keeps repeating those questions in her mind without any physical actions I turn away around and go to my room sometimes closing the door or keeping it slightly ajar…..I can't change her mind she thinks on her own and doesn't give anyone else's feelings priority at all ….I know so because I stay silent more than voice my feelings because I observe people their indiscernible body language …the way they laugh and try hard to fit in with others …I'm just like them I try to fit in too sometimes …other times I sit alone un bothered someone comes and talks to me fine…I can open up to that someone in 10 minutes or so…not a problem the problem comes when I have to say something to someone on my own account it's hard to do other than feeling low and nervous which the general population around me suggests is my problem I don't know what it is that keeps me from talking to someone at all…..sometimes I think if I open my mouth to say something I might end up crying …because everything's so wrong because there's so much to actually cry about ………
We knew ..well my mom knew Daniel Pierces mother she passed away with cancer after Daniel finished college he's an engineer works at the airport and if I'm right he turned 29 ……three years after his mother my mom got his father married to a teacher friend of hers …great….the wedding was held in our own house when dad was still here and when we were a standard ok but Daniel and I go back a long way………it's always the passing looks we share around each other ….we don't talk to each other I usually avoid looking at him or even saying hi but I could tell he glances in my direction like a moth drawn to a flame…..drawn to my pain…………
Now that dad's not here there has to be someone to drop me home from school…the bus fair's too much for the money mom doesn't have … Daniel drops me off home when he gets off his job. The building I live in is old it's been there for as long as I've lived 17 years and still standing 5 floors up ….my heart flutters slightly at the mention of him dropping me home alone.
I get in his car after a hard day at school …the school I hate ….because everyone's just too cool too free and I feel like I've got the weight of the word on my shoulders … of the teachers once told me I looked like a 'lost bird'………….
I say hi and go get in the back seat he say's hi too and asks me how I'm doing …I before saying ok or else I would have said good …..I brace myself for questions if any he's going to ask me………I like his voice the serenity and sincerity in it…it's soothing….but as we get far and far from school closer to home I wonder about asking him how's Carmen how's their baby…I can't I don't I'm breathing much easier now and letting my back lean against the first car seat it's newly scented … feels alien …..the only car I rode up until now except an occasional bus is my dad's car…but he's not here I blink because my eyes burn every now and then……….finally after 15 minutes of dodging traffic and muttering curses he stops in front of her building event he sign board that say's 'Sieko' is old …I wonder why it doesn't fall……he's looking in the review mirror the moment changes , melds it self when I look back at him with the side door open …..he blinks I blink back at him ….he doesn't turn around to look at her because he already knows she'd become nervous …….I get out slowly sliding off the seat I don't say good bye …my heart's still fluttering and I'm still blinking he doesn't know about my dad but he knows something's wrong…..I gulp and turn to go home …..

[ edited 2 time(s), last at 3-Oct-2002 10:35:33 AM ]
posted on 3-Oct-2002 9:45:11 AM
There are two ways to go home one go through glass doors or use the alley I go to the alley it's a short cut but I turn around because he's still there and has gotten out of his car it's strange how I don't feel nervous anymore looking back at him ….not that we're far from each other….his expression is pained he wants to know I don't drop my books but I stare back at him placidly before resuming my slow pace through the alley only this time I trail the back of my hand the gesture is beckoning because I hear the car door slam and foot steps behind me he's following slowly too…at least I think at first …….but he's closer now behind me and takes my trailing hand …it slips into her hand without force ….pressure… moms not at home she must have told in between conversation I lead him hand in hand up stairs using the elevator their old too with the same red coat of paint every year on the outside I take the key out and unlock my door without glancing back knowing he'd follow …hoping painfully that he would …..she put her bag down and looked back he standing in the door the shade of blue in his eyes darkened as I unbuttoned my school blouse he stares impassively for a while before closing the front door and coming closer to me I reach for my skirts zipper but he has placed a hand on my stomach I shiver it's cold he brings his face down closer to mine …I'm short other than accounting for his tall height…I finally close my eyes as I feel his lip's on mine a little prompting later I open my lips to his tongue in ….it explores my mouth gently as I do his ……it's strange the feeling is like sitting in someone else's car….but I put arms over his shoulders their broad and hold my arms from falling off of him ……… his hands wandering over her collar bones he sifts his hands over them slowly he pulls me closer to his chest reaching the other hand around to un strap the white satin bra I'm wearing… nipples perk up when he touches my bare back trailing a thumb down…. We pull away from the kissing and he gets down on his knee to take off my skirt kissing my flat stomach I shiver again…but it felt good ….I slip a hand into his thick hair some times I thought about it…
Were in bed I'm not sure how we got there in the first place but I'm on top of him unbuttoning his shirt as quick as I can ……I'm not worried about time because I have a lot of it….but he probably still has to go home… the shirt off he looks up at me I don't know much about this …I'm not even sure what were doing right now……..he takes my wrists and kisses them pulling me under him sliding down pulling Liz up , sliding his arms around her. "What would you like me to do for you?" he said huskily.
Her eyes went wide. "I, I don’t know," I stammered. "I hadn’t really thought about it."
He stroked my hair and kissed me, sliding his hand up to caress my breast, brushing the nipple with his thumb. I moaned into his mouth. He pulled away and kissed my cheek. Seeing my expression, he said, "You aren’t nervous, are you? Not after all that?"
"It isn’t as easy to be brave when you’re not in control," I admitted.
"You’re still in control," he said with a gentle smile. " I won’t do anything you don’t want me to do."
I blushed. "I think I’d like that," I said into his chest. "
. I trembled as I met the naked length of his body. "Relax," he whispered, trailing kisses down my throat. I shivered with a gasp and he kissed my cheek and temple lightly until my breathing slowed and I kissed him. His face lit up with a smile and I smiled back as he hugged me and kissed the tip of my nose. I laughed, then closed my eyes as he kissed me on the mouth, humming deep in my throat.
my body rose to meet his hands as he touched me, stroking my face, her breasts, my ass and legs.. When he took one of her nipples into his mouth, she grabbed a handful of his hair. "Careful," he said with a laugh. "That comes out if you pull hard enough."
I laughed, too, smoothing his hair back down. "Um, hmm," he replied, twirling his tongue around my nipple. He shifted his position, leaning some of his weight against me, sliding his knee between my legs. "Is that too much weight?" he asked.
I ground her hips against him with a long sigh. "No, but — God, you’re tall!" I exclaimed. He laughed again, and I closed my eyes as he kissed me, his hands roaming over my skin. He hugged me more gently than he really wanted to,
"Tell me what you want," he breathed into her ear. She froze for a moment, and he added, "It can be anything, or nothing. I’m here for you right now. You aren’t alone."
I tried to slide my panties down, and he helped her remove them. "Touch me," she whispered, face pressed into his hair, unable to meet his eyes.
He complied eagerly, stroking his hand down the length of each leg as far as he could reach, first along the outside, then along the inside. I moaned, almost whimpering, as he teased me with feather light touches and kisses.
"Liz," he said after a few minutes, taking her face in his hand. "Is it okay if I go down on you?"
I nodded, speechless for a moment, my eyes wide. he grinned at my expression, and I blushed and looked away. "Yes," I answered, "I’d like that. I can’t come that way, though."
"That’s okay," he said. He let me roll onto my back, then slid down the length of my body, pushing the covers aside. He kissed and nipped the skin along the edge of her moans and inside my leg. I made a strangled noise. "Please. Don’t tease me," I begged. he almost moaned at the heat in my voice. He could feel his own arousal building again as he pressed close and parted me with his fingers and tongue. I was very wet and he was able to slide a finger into me easily as his lips closed over my clitoris.
I rose under his touch, pressing myself against his face and hands, murmuring inarticulately. he slid his finger in and out slowly, in time with the movements of his tongue. His other hand was spread over my belly,. I gasped for air, crying out softly with each thrust he made.
Finally, I had to stop him, urging him up to kiss me. He left his finger inside me, his hand on my mons, and I lifted my body against the weight. I laid my hand over his, showing him the rhythm I desired. He kissed me deeply, and I twined her fingers through his hair, holding him to me with all of my strength.
When I finally climaxed, I went silent and clung to Daniels shoulders, burying my face between his face and the pillow, arching my body against his with each contraction. I stopped the motion of his hand after a time, and laid still, gasping. I shuddered as he pulled his hand free and gathered me close. The shudder turned into slow rocking as I began to cry.
"Liz, did I hurt you?" he asked, a little worried.
"No, I just…." I couldn’t finish through the tears.
"Shh, I understand. I just wanted to be sure you were okay. Relax," he said softly. He understood the power of the emotional release and cradled me against his chest while I shed a great deal of stress, pain, and fear.

posted on 4-Oct-2002 6:29:56 AM
He's glancing again ….I'm not looking but I know he's staring Roys asleep in his stroller now that I think about it he looks so much like Daniel and not at all like Carmine….I don't really understand hwy he married her …..from whatever gossip I've heard about their getting married one stands out in particular he was forced to marry her….since his father started to ignore him when he refused to do so….I felt sorry for him when I heard it though I mean I know the feeling of bring forced to do something you don't want to by your own parent and how controlling they could be at times……….he doesn't love Carmine I know so……she's older than him …..and sometimes I think she suspects something when he looks my way if she notices at all….. .. it does worry me some times as to what would happen if someone knew would kill me for sleeping with a married man ……nothing new there……Carmine? I'm not sure I don't know her that well they both were engaged for a long time before getting married maybe three years or four since I say her first I hadn't any idea what they were talking about at first…….but as the nights events in the gathering progressed Daniel's father announced it ….Ben a nice guy and everything but I have to admit he could e a real jerk sometimes…..with his kids when his wife died he jumped at the opportunity to get married after three years straight …not caring what the kids would think one of them even threatened to leave home. He was as old sad I was and unhappy about his dad marrying his tutor…….their three brothers the oldest one being Daniel the one younger than him is in the airforce and the third's in school like me well high school……..maybe it's the way we touch each other it soothes both ... it's not the intimacy we seek we're both in a way looking for lost peace and if being together for a brief hour or so fulfils that need in bed temporarily then so be it……..sometimes I try my luck at thinking that he is trying to take advantage of me…but I always end up dismissing it because he gave my innocence away because I wanted him to….and it doesn't really matter the pain as if there aren't enough thins in this world to be already pained about…….high school is what someone would call a real drag I'm trying to catch up with everyone else in class in Physics which I simply can't do because the power willing has left me a long time ago…I'm not sure about that right now……he's shifting Roy on the other shoulder the boys woken up now it time to cut the cake it's shaped like a large 1 black forest make with light chocolate his mother fumbles with the candles and outs one on it before lighting it they camera's have been rolling about from teh time we got to princeton hotel they tell everyone to gather around I go and stand behind my mom where the photograph wont hold my picture ....... the cake hasn't come to me yet one of his step moms colleagues is cutting it into small pieces and handing out the plates to everyone they missed me and he noticed because ehe brings me one and slides it to me I take it smiling without looking at him……

posted on 5-Oct-2002 3:20:25 PM
Like I said schools a real drag Physics is just what it sounds like crap and boring whoever invented the subjected is dead meat …..but wait the guys already dead isn't he right well you know what I mean …….Dr. Miranda our prized PHD graduated teacher her voice is pinched as is her face it's smaller than accounting for the rest of her body which is a little less than severely large………and she makes pretty good of her voice too making sure everyone listens even Max Evans and his two friends….I though he was cute the first time I saw him in class…..his red cheeks grew redder a rising fever for me…..his breathing was too fast, and his wide chest rose and fell like a signal, forcing her own pulse faster… to him other boys, even though they were seniors , were mere reeds, without muscle or brawn. He was a man.
He was so handsome! And yet not handsome at all, but roughly crude, a mix that gave me the same sinking dizziness I'd felt when I entered the school……I would have fallen in love with someone quiet and loving, somebody sweet and endearing . with Daniel in fact but Max Evans look was not romantic not affectionate, but Fierce. our eyes locked as in combat. His lips have probably the kind of silkiness I would like to delve into and taste….in admist of all this I think about Daniel and me were not in love as far as I know l…we don't talk to each other except when were together like that for a few minutes….we don't kiss unless we're in bed together as soon as he lays me down I put a hand at the back of his head bringing his lips closer to me…I like his lips their wideness his taste…the way he lifts me up to him during sex…..there's nothing kinky about our coupling but it's passionate as was today we met each other with need the love making almost rough…..I's not about allowing him to use me but about something I want him to do anticipating the need and grabbing the opportunity when it comes to me because it is actually the first time I know that I want something from someone and that they will give to me without me having to ask them for it audibly....but he leaves after resting his head between my breasts I keep my hands in his hair as long as he stays like that….he thinks about something I don't ask him because I think he'd rather not have me know about it……….taking pride or not isn't the question I can't name our relationship if we do have one …..all I know is that when I he dresses and leaves I lie there waiting for the front door to close and think what it would be like to be able to keep him hear a familiar loneliness fills me as I get naked and go lock the front door taking a bath……it doesn't bother me for the moment whatever we are doing it makes us forget things I'd otherwise know of forgetting only by running and keep running till my name is longer in my memory until I don't feel anything until……and scream until I have no voice left in me to describe those feelings that we both are so good at drowning within our soft moans our minds are blank…….but I still can't help wondering how it would feel to kiss Max Evans
posted on 17-Oct-2002 9:04:22 AM
I've watched everything from Wonder Years to M.A.S.H till Twilight Zone of course without mom knowing it somehow I really don't understand her problem in me growing up… why, if she had her way she'd make me wear ponytails to school as if I was a 1st grader. It sounds so I know parents really never like there children to grow up but this is insane not like if I'm 17 years old I wont look that old …I'll be tall and over grown for your looks no matter where you try parting my hair in the middle oh yeah she still likes to do that before we go somewhere as if I can't do it myself like I said I really don't understand it why if she so……….over toned about things I mean alright I understand her problem raising the only child you have hoping that she makes you proud it's just the expectancy in her words or her eyes that get' s to me and it's true that's what actually makes me tick……I'm not a temporal person and I only get jealous rather than pissed off at times……then again I guess it doesn't matter I mean not like I say what feel anyway…..some times I just can't …say things… I always say there has always been so much to cry about along my life that I think I should have started crying a life earlier so that the tears could lessen their weight in my eyes….but they make me beautiful, mysterious and sexy a unique ness which I whole heartedly accept and enjoy .I like the smiles men give me the way they rove their eyes over me without making me feel whorish because I don't try and seduce it's just the hooded ness of my eyes the way I try to let my long hair cover me…..I don't slink around in short dresses or put on rings of make up to impress it's unnatural….. this little gift I have for attracting attention quietly without action or words in general…………. I'd like to think what they have in mind after our eyes meet like once when we were invited to a wedding anniversary of the one and only Mr. And Mrs. Pierce….I was strangely feeling let down no matter how hard I tried to ignore the feelings…I tried ignoring his eyes that day and I think he did too……
I'm bored and show it to the plush couch laden ball room since everyone comes to me asking exactly that "are you bored dear?"
Yes I am bored. social events such as this don't fit well in my vocabulary and it isn't clear as to why my behavior is as such to my mother since she and dad are such good conversationalists more than occasionally they are the stars of the events these parties are thrown for. As for the obvious I am far more than reserved and too shy to revert……..I let my eyes roam over the people….. a man catches my eye his back is to me and it looks like he is getting heavily drunk at the mini bar he is alone since no one has tried to pull him away from the small glass filled with cherry colored liquid I observe with rising longing for him to turn around he does because seems he too has his limitations for drinking in a ball room filled with people some of whom are probably his friends who in turn are the friends who probably thought of inviting him felling humane he is alone I feel a tingle as he turns around and slowly staggers to a an empty couch his rage in words is blinding his eyes show more than drunk ness it's really the intensity in them that intrigue's me I continue to stare as he pushes his thick parted in the middle dark silky hair back…..his eyes are reddened at the edges and the tingling sensation deepens as his eyes move over to me he takes his hand away from his forehead seeing me better I look away suddenly he is disturbed by it and sits up I like giving the first taste and pulling away then to watch as I am a cause for attention in some ones else's mind ….I make him restless because he is suddenly un drunk and gets up I guess he wasn't consuming too many a great amount of liquor over there a simple trick of the eye you usually believe what you see but I turn back around not really looking at him but through him some one is talking him I spy out of the corner of my eye it's Daniel's friend he must be since he has an arm around his shoulder congratulating him and clearly the man of my momentary attention is not well known to Daniel they are introduced by his long term friend….he has reverted from looking for me right then …no matter he will look when the others leave him…..
I go and sit down furthest as I can from the socialites of my mother's affection to a nearly empty couch with an aunt sitting on the other end I think about nothing as I look over the row of garlands presented to Carmine …she looks pretty today …why wouldn't she…jealous???… not at all……they don't even make a good couple he's wearing blue she's wearing red and it suits either of them individually I watch Daniel's eyes their bluer than any other blue I've ever seen or is it my imagination further a trick of light?…no the shade of blue remains the same in light or dark he has the brilliance in them I long to see each day coming from school and he lets me see them more than once longer than a few seconds. They both have left the man I saw earlier he is looking at me hard or so I think he is leaving but something about the way he's walking right now away from everyone is revealing his desire…….for me? I don' know but I do as soon as he turns to me stopping at the rooms entrance he has slipped a hand in his pocket he pulls out something the chandeliers brighten it making it shine …it's silver dangling it's a key but it looks heavy the other end has a hotels emblem dangling on it……I stare uncertainly for a second his look is not lust filled he is just alone ….his dark eyes shift slowly and his lips are moist they are full and deeply red…. he is harmless to me ……his short message is intense as such are his eyes…..he leaves I follow him outside to his hotel room looking one last time at Carmine …she's happy today.
I close the door behind me as I enter his hotel room it's on the floor on top of the party hall the dim lighting by the two lamps in his room are not disturbed by either I'm sanding near the door and he's fallen on the only love seat in the room he holds up his head in my direction his profile is just as I observed from afar in the room downstairs he looks like a model for Christian Dior chiseled and gorgeously tanned but he is nothing like Daniel…he's looking at me for the first time really now …I keep my feet on the ground as he gets up and comes closer I feel a prickle of fear suddenly I was right about his anger his eyes are still reddened at the ends and alcohol is the only thing that probably slow his anger ….it's not creative anger just a natural feature in him…he is touching my face tenderly worshipping me….I don't cringe his hands are warm and quiet larger than my own his eyes are magnetic and hold my gaze for a while as three of his shirts button are undone by himself he lifts me up in his arm lightly bouncing me and putting me on the bed I continue staring as he comes over me like a large shadow and descends his mouth on mine kissing me roughly I kiss him back fully without sound shred by shred our clothing comes off and I feel like he is getting me drunk along with him the way he keeps reaching up to me and kiss me filling me with his taste ……. He is nothing like Daniel is right he holds my wrists up by my sides I feel a little frightened of him but I forget about fear and wrong ness as he nuzzles my neck while driving a slow wave of pleasure inside me……he explodes inside me and seems like he isn't done yet thank god because I amn't done either he rolls over pulls me on him I graciously take this time to run my hands over his body he stops my hands by catching them before reach his muscled stomach he's pushed my legs apart with his own I understand what he wants me to do. and it’s bad we’re bad..I’m bad…..I ride him through me with burning speed he holds my arms I release myself of his hands before I come and slid over him letting his mouth claim mine …..once sin for all…….he has taken hold my hair keeping my mouth on him and pulled away from me immediately paaing out because of his drunk ness…..I stay there for a while on top of him feeling a little cheap……and close my eyes getting off of him as a lone tear travels down my cheek he will probably wake up tomorrow with a bad hangover and little memory of me after all he only made an offer which I accepted without using much of my mind…….I leave him room to take two steps to see Daniel coming out of the elevator his eyes are cold and knowing ……..the young man really was nothing like Daniel……….

Life is so weird in the true sense when I first turned 13 I was desiring big things for my self thinking I’ll be a lawyer …politician anything that gave me a huge name to be able to accomplish something just a life maybe many times I'd be troubled by these thought's …..but it’s all gone so awry now I mean I just took to think about these things then but now it’s so……….. not there it’s……… like I’m not there anymore I mean come on just how many times can you look into the mirror and say “I'm going to make my parents proud of me” the "you kid me parent so you have to respect ma authority" thing … doesn't work anymore no matter what I do mom always has more in mind I'm not sure what think to at all of it …greed?? …it is that something that every depressed person makes a wish for and then someday when these things come to life and let you live through them they give you the assurance that takes away the cautionary principles that are responsible for holding you together which could result in your downfall but mom thinks that she's an optimist even when she's falling apart all over the place without regard for my sanity if not for her own.
I really hate this school it’s fuckin getting on my nerve’s when the last time I actually said that? I’m not sure must of have been in these recent days months years I never actually complained about any schools I went to I mean I’m fine where ever you put me but it’s so…….not the grandeur I expected …what was I expecting.?? I don't know that either
I know not a lot of things while I claim it mystery of life I am looking to solve my mother sees it as one of the most deliberate pains from my side I have given her a reason to worry …it makes me wrong…bad…a criminal she keeps telling me I will never end up good my priorities whatever they are will sink me through and through …how ever strange it sounds to my own ears I walk to daily life as it goes by me in slow motion …..but days get over so fast when you least expect them to…….
I'm trying to buzz here ppl and thx everyone fer yer support ezpecially mpls baby gurl glad yer app is one well ....and anya too
posted on 21-Dec-2002 2:21:12 PM
it's strange or rather lets say infuriating that some ppl have all the luck.......I'm not kidding it's true ......ppl who desrve some thing good usually end up getting beat I mean just look what happened to dad....and mom too I guess I mean alright I dig she's strong but I wont refrain from saying thta she's a sucker for hard luck when it comes down to it..........funny thing I just realised me too.
I used to like waking up for school or not sometimes whatever it was it's not the same in this school I mean I laid out my single minded opinions at once to my friends..sure I have friends...not best frends just friends for the sake of sticking together in this madhouse since we all come from the same school one of them is a complete show off.she's a skank a nerdy one at that...other two twin sisters ...I'm pretty friendly with them infact they spend all thier time in school with me ...we only have computer class together and of course free periods of the of them is serious she takes her studies like we both don't and of course we do end up reuing the day we didn't lisen to her advise but there isn't much we can do I mean we're both classy book worms we read all the sc-fi we could find ...even smuggle books now hat I think of it those are the only good times of my day in the school....and then there's Max Evans....he walks around in school halls like he owns them...he probably does......he's popular talked about from girls to the vice principle.........yep he's a trouble maker alright......a brainy of the reasons I avoid looking his way at all is ...simly that I'm ...jealous......why shouldn't I???? he plays every dirty prank possible ........and still gets those grades I wonder sometimes ....if he's an alien .........maybe he is..........even those friends of his Michael Guerin and Kyle Valenti.....they cut classes, make a class impossible to teach.....and play silly stupid is chalk throwing in class? on girls? yeah rite......he looks my way sometimes or just my imagination...........I once handed him a book I only had and looked up into his eyes to see him wearing glasses ........ he looked so cute ........ but his eyes defective or not are the real thing thier beautiful.....he looked so innocent then I'm sure I was turning red and he noticed because he flashed a notable smile at me too....oh yeah...........
it's just one of does day's that mom wants to know what I'm doing in more precisely ...not too good once I told her at the beginning....putting it plainly ...she wasn't amused and was unpleasantly surprised and would expect that from her... or lets say I really is one of those days when Daniel's late and I have little or no patience left in of those days when I once in a while write my diary nothing much about what kind of days have I been having from the past few weeks I don't know why I keep it at all I mean I don't really write down any secrets of mine .......I don't trust it to keep my secrets a secret.....or I'd write about dad about DAniel about Max Evans.....about myself probably ...but it's jsut that when I sit down to write it my mind becomes blanker than ever some one would tell me to write what I feel...........the truth no's what made me what I am .....the truth is I feel nothing........I take solace in believing I was born this was ...quiet......unfeeling...different.....what else could it be ..that my parents made me what I am today so naturally I should hate them for it?..............I don't I said before and always say as impossible as it sounds ...I don't know alot of thinks......I put my bag's heavy......heavy reminds me of somehting mom did the other day...she thinks I might be gaining wieght so she didn't think I needed to have lunch.....I did feel kind of angry but I said nothign I usually say nothing........"where are you" I look up at the searng sun near the schools gate......I hear a door slam...he always slams his door...I pick up my bag ..nervously...just a little...or maybe it's anticipation......