|posted on 18-Oct-2001 4:41:27 PM|
|Title: to breathe|
Author: Lee and Nikki
Disclaimer: We don't own anyone or anything dealing with Roswell.
Summary: A dark, dark place.
Author Notes: We want fb and lots of it.
It's strange how things can change so quickly. How one person can change so quickly. One moment I am Liz Parker...daughter of Jeff and Nancy Parker, owners of the Crashdown and then next...well then next I am no one. I have no idea who I am. I know that rationally I am the same person that I always been. Dating a Jock, Kyle Valenti, best friends to Alex and Maria. But that is meaningless now.
I heard once that you based everything on your foundation... your core. Like a castle made out of cards. What happens when you remove a card from the bottom? The castle falls down. Try removing the entire bottom layer and you have me.
Okay, so now I am getting weird looks from the guy sitting opposite me...has he never seen someone chuckle? I have to laugh at it...or else I will cry and I don't think I would ever stop.
I cannot believe that a week ago, I was planning the rest of my life. Looking forward to college in the fall, my summer traveling with Alex, Maria and Kyle. Who would have thought that preparations for something so exciting, something so incredible could turn out like this?
A week later, I am homeless, friendless and parentless. Last Saturday everything was so good; I’d just graduated the day before and so I was sorting out the stuff for my trip. Kyle and I were going through my parents stuff trying to find my birth certificate...I knew it wasn't allowed but they were out, and I needed it. Why hadn't I ever wondered why I wasn't allowed to see my own personal information before then? I am so stupid! So there I was looking for it when Kyle tapped me on my shoulder... I remember turning to him and laughing at the look on his face, I was just so happy and his look was so comical. I remember him not saying anything as he handed me a sheet.
That’s when my world fell apart.
I remember ages ago when Maria's dad left her, she tried to explain to me how she felt after she read his note. She said that it was like she had read the words but it didn't sink in and that’s how I felt. I looked over the birth certificate briefly and then noticed that there was only one name on my parental space and that name was not Nancy Parker.
God, after that the day went by in a blur. I don't even remember most of it, just waiting patiently for my parents to come back and having no idea how to handle it. I've never felt so betrayed or lost in my life.
If I could go back a week with no memories of the past events, I don't know what I would do. Would I be tempted to not look? I know that’s impossible so now I am alone.
I remember just sitting there calmly as my parents walked through the door. It had been a few hours since I found my certificate, so I made up the perfect way to tell them but as soon as they entered everything went out of my head. I just handed my father the certificate and sat back.
If it wasn’t me involved in this situation, I would have laughed at my parent’s faces. However, as it stands, it was me so I couldn’t laugh. My dad just sat down heavily and my mum began to stutter explanations. All I remember feeling was being numb. Like, I wasn't there, just watching a movie screen or something but then they continued their explanation and I realized that I was the one sitting there and I laughed. They told me all they knew about my past and stuff but they only knew very little. All they knew was the name of the women that was on my birth certificate, the same as me.
Then I felt the numbness leave and the anger replace the gap it left. There were so many thoughts going around my head, why hadn't I noticed, why hadn't I known, how many people knew about it, why no one ever had told me. That was the question that I had asked them. The rest, I thought, could wait. It’s funny thinking about your family and relatives being in on this big secret, this big secret that is about you.
The silence stretched between us as I asked the question, and I knew they had no answer, and that’s when I exploded. I’m 18 and I had to find out that I was adopted through my own devices. What is that about??? I should have been told! I think I lost all respect for my parents then because they didn't respect me enough or trusted me enough to tell me the truth. I lost respect for all my relatives; it went out the window along with my identity. I shouted and screamed and cried and then I left. I told them that I would never again enter this house, that I would never again call them my Mum and Dad.
I went into my room, and got the money I had earned, some clothes that had either been presents or brought myself, and left with not one thing that belonged to my parents.
I ignored their cries.
After some good old fashion crying and self-evaluation I’m on the train to the Big Apple.
I remember walking around aimlessly for a while. I had no idea who knew the truth and who didn’t. It made me so paranoid, did Amy Deluca know, or the Whitmans? Obviously the Sheriff knew, but Kyle hadn't known. Did Maria and Alex know? I went to Alex and he held me as I let it all come out. He went on the net for me to find this name and address, which is why I’m on the way to the Big Apple. Now I’m on my way to look it up. On my own with no Alex or Maria or even Kyle.
They are not needed anymore. I am on my way to find the real me and Maria and Alex are a part of my old self, but I love them and left them each a note as I slipped out in the middle of the night, telling them not to look for me. I need to do this alone. So now...well now I am looking out at the scenery rushing past me as I contemplate what I am expecting to find.
And the truth is...I have no idea
I's head out in ta cool night air, takin' comfort in ta familiar sounds of ta city. Frum ta distance I's hear 5-0's sirens wailin', car alarms blarin' and people yellin'...
I's takes a pack of smokes frum me's pocket and pounds 'em in the palm of me hand. I's slides one out, looks around ta make sure no one is lookin' and light the cigarette with my index finger, puffin' on ta end till it lights. I's take a long drag and let ta smoke go through me's nose.
I's look down ta street wonderin' what's a comin' and take anota drag, tryin' ta ease me's restlessness. All day I's been sensin' ta coming of sumtin'... I's don't know... some kind of darkness tat's about ta sweep though tis town and change everting in my not so normal life.
I's drop my stoke and stomp it out. I's take anotha one out and light it. I's feelin' impatient. I's just want wateva ta hell tis feelin' is ta end or wateva ta fuck is comin' ta just get 'ere already. I's takes one last drag of me's square, before puttin' it out and head back to me's pad ta crash wonderin' what kinda effect tis ting will have in me's damn life.
[ edited 1 time(s), last at 21-Oct-2001 7:34:42 PM ]