|posted on 11-Nov-2001 11:42:49 PM|
|Title: Together…Yet So Alone|
Category: Kyle/Liz…with some Max
Summary: Liz’s wildest dreams have come true…or have they.
Disclaimer: I don’t own Roswell…or the sham that was S2 would never have happened.
“Liz…baby you have to get up now” I hear him whisper softly against my ear as his hands move lovely along the curves of my bare back. Closing my eyes I ignore him as I snuggle deeper into his powerful chest. I pretend to sleep for once again I don’t want to acknowledge the fact that I have to leave this man that I have grown to love with every fiber of my being. My heartbreaks at the mere thought of returning to the one man that I thought I would happily spend the rest of my life with. Now the prospect of spending the rest of my life with Max brings me back to the brink of loneliness and despair. “Liz…your not fooling anyone. I know that you’re not sleeping”
“I don’t want to leave,” I whisper still refusing to remove myself from his loving embrace. “Please…I don’t want to leave you” Tears glisten in my eyes for I know that in just a matter of minutes I will have to once again force myself away from this bed and return to the life that I have grown to hate with a passion each long and tedious day. Our meetings have become more frequent and each time as I leave I find that I love him just a bit more then I did before. Yes, I love him, but leaving him is becoming so much harder to bear each and every time. I don’t know how much longer this charade that has become my life can continue. All I know is that I love this man more then I ever thought was possible. He has captured my heart a small piece at a time and I know that the day is fastly approaching where we will have to make a decision that will impact a number of lives and the aftermath is something that neither one of us wants to even fathom. There is also a second option; one where we discontinue the meetings held in secret, but I know that my heart would no more let me stop seeing him then stop beating.
“I know,” he murmurs softly, as he slowly sits up from the bed were we have just spent the last two hours making love. “But we both know that we have to get back to our lives”
“Our lives…what a joke” I reply bitterly, removing myself from our love nest as I fumble for my hastily discarded clothes. “We both know that neither one of us wants to get back to our lives. I hate this…hate the fact that I have to pretend to love him when it is you that I love. I am so tired of the lies…I don’t think that I can keep this up for much longer. Lets just leave…just run away and start a new life where we can be together” Tears trickle lazily down my cheeks as I stand before the mirror gazing into the eyes of a woman that I barely recognize anymore. I lean defeated against his chest as he approaches wrapping his arms tightly around me. He doesn’t speak a word, just clings to me allowing me to rant, as this is my reaction each and every time out rendezvous come to an end. “I’m sorry Kyle” I sob as I turn, throwing my arms around his neck burying my face into the chest that I have cried upon too many times to count. “I just don’t want to leave you again. I love you so much”
I feel his fingers as he gently places them under my chin lifting my head up until I am looking directly into his equally tearful eyes. “I love you Liz…forever. Don’t you ever forget that. I know that this is hard…but this is the price we have to pay for being together. We will be together again soon…promise”
Nodding I place a small kiss on his beautiful lips and slowly make my way towards the door and my dreaded departure. Each step is more painful then the last as I begin the countdown that will once again place me in his loving arms, together once again until time rips us brutally apart. Opening the door I turn to face him. “I love you Kyle…always” Closing the door behind me I allow the torrent of tears to flow from my eyes. I know that I should be stronger. I know that this hurts him just as much as it hurts me and yet I can’t control the way that I feel. Fumbling with my keys I make my way into my car and find that I just can’t start the engine as images of Kyle begin to flood my mind. The first time he held me, our first kiss and the first time that he brought me to a mind-blowing orgasm without so much as the slightest touch from his glorious hands.
Max and I had been through hell and back in the years before we were married. I still don’t know how we found our way back to each other after the departure of Tess and her mind numbing news. But eventually we renewed our lost love and yet at the same time this love never did fully recover one hundred percent from the blow that it had received. After graduation from High School Max and I moved into a cheap apartment together as we began the search that bit by bit would build up a wall between the two of us. One that stands between us till this very day. Don’t get me wrong I know that Max loved me, and back then I loved him more then I ever thought was possible, but something was constantly coming between us. It was something so huge and yet we had no proof that it even existed. Many an argument was fought and many a tear was shed as it came to dominate our entire lives.
Tess’s proclamation that she was carrying Max’s child permanently changed Max. From the moment that she left Roswell his search began to find the son that together they had created. I had my doubts as to wither this child even existed but because of the love that I felt for Max I did everything in my power to help him recover his son. From day to day I never knew where it was that we were going to end up or what danger was going to greet us once we arrived there. One day we would be in Arizona breaking into government buildings to retrieve any type of clue from their databanks that may lead us in the right direction and then the next we would be in California where we would be dodging bullets as the information proved to be false.
After each excursion we would end up back in Roswell thoroughly exhausted. After each trip I found that I was becoming more disillusioned with every finding this phantom child and yet for Max I continued to travel all over the United States with him. After several failed attempts I began to notice that I was losing more of the Max from my younger days and in his place was a colder and less caring man, whose only goal in life was finding what couldn’t be found.
Sadly I start the car and begin my descent into the hell that has become my life. I already know what will greet me once I enter the home that Max and I have shared for the last four years of our marriage, because it is the same each time. Max will be sitting in his office glued to the computer searching for a hint of a clue as to the wear abouts of Tess and his son. There will be paper littered everywhere, notes that he has jotted down and discarded just as quickly. He will not acknowledge my presence for as usual nothing will be as important as the task at hand.
Don’t think me cruel for I really am not. I loved Max and I did whatever I possibly could to save this marriage and help him find his son. I’ve given up all my hopes and dreams to chase his dream of one day being reunited with his child. I have even given up the hope of one day having a child of our own. From the moment that I fell in love with him I have given my all to Max Evan’s, but now I have no more to give. I can no longer fight the demons that haunt our marriage and the life we were supposed to share together.
“Max…I’m home” I state loudly as I enter the room that has become so much like a tomb. The drapes are drawn, there are papers strewn everywhere along with half eaten bits of food. The room smells musty and unclean and as I stated before, there he sit adhered to the computer searching the web for god knows what now. “Max…are you hungry…I can make us some dinner” I receive no response except for a small grunt as his fingers continue to work feverously over the keyboard. “Sure Liz…dinner would be great” I reply mockingly to myself as I leave the room without so much as the tiniest hint of a reaction from him.
A weariness pervades me as I make my way once again defeated to the bedroom that I share with Max. I don’t know why we even bother to share a bed for he hasn’t even attempted to make love to me, much less touch me for the last two years and even before that our love making was never earth shattering. It was something that was done sporadically and quickly whenever the time presented itself. There was a time when Max was soft and romantic before Alex’s death and his involvement with Tess. I realize now that I was foolish to believe that he would one day return to me, but it was something that got me through the first two years of my marriage to him. Settling against the satin of the sheet I recall the beginning of the end for Max and myself.
“Do you Elizabeth Parker take Max Evans to be your lawfully wedded husband” Words that I had longed to hear for as long as I could remember. It was the happiest day of my life and yet there was a sadness that permeated my very soul. Yes, I was marrying Max Evan’s, my soul mate in life and yet this wasn’t the same Max Evan’s that I had fallen in love with the moment that he healed my dying body.
Max and I had been through hell and back and I guess that I thought that once we were married life would become a peaceful place where we lived in joyful harmony while we shared our love. Just goes to show you how immature I was in my thinking, since life wasn’t that peaceful and happy before we exchanged our vows.
Our wedding was a quickie in Las Vegas. We were following another dead end clue and he figured that it would be romantic to marry in a chapel in Vegas. I knew that he was trying and again I went along with it because his happiness was all that mattered to me at that time. I had always dreamed of a large formal wedding surrounded with all our family and friends wishing us well as we embarked on our future. Instead I got a cheap and tawdry wedding with Max dressed in jeans and a t-shirt and me in a pair of shorts and a tank top. Not the ideal wedding by far, but I was marrying the man that I loved as I tried convince myself that this was the way that things were supposed to be.
Future Max had spoken of a wedding at the Elvis Chapel in Vegas the night that he visited me and changed my life forever. He had made it sound like the most romantic night of their lives and I guess the I expected the same since they were both technically the same person. Instead I got whisked off to another cheap motel where Max didn’t even carry me across the threshold. Two minutes into the room he had his laptop spread out over the small desk, leaving me heartbroken at the door. All thoughts of a romantic honeymoon vanished in an instant as I grabbed the phone and locked myself inside the bathroom.
Tears flooded my eyes as I filled the dingy tub with hot water, settling inside it as the water covered my emotionally broken body. Picking up the phone I dialed the number of my best friend Maria. I needed her more that night then I had ever needed anyone in my life. Ring after ring blared in my ear as I prayed that she would answer the phone and ease my barely beating heart. “Hello” I hear a voice scream gruffly into the phone. It was a voice that was so familiar to me and yet it was not the voice that I longed to hear. “Hello…hello…is anyone there dammit”
“Kyle…” I whisper tearfully into the receiver as I hold it to my ear. “Kyle is that you”
“Liz…OMG…Liz where the hell are you” he states worriedly, causing my tears to flow even harder. “Liz…what’s wrong…are you ok. Liz…talk to me…please talk to me” Words escape me as I allow the sobs that I have held at bay to cascade over me. “Oh Buddha Liz…please just tell me that you ok”
“I…I’m ok” I croak finally finding something of my voice. “Were in Vegas…were married” My sobs once again consume me as Kyle waits patiently for me to collect myself. “Kyle…is Maria there. I really need my best friend right now”
“Sorry Liz…her and Amy went to Dexter for the weekend. Something about mother daughter bonding…or something like that. She did tell me to give you a message thought. She said that she is going to kill you when you get back for not letting her know that you were leaving again. Typical Maria…huh” he chuckles uneasily. “You know Liz…I may not be Maria…but I am your friend. Will I do in a pinch”
It was true that Kyle was no Maria, but I needed to talk to some one…anyone at that point about all that was transpiring in my life at that point in time. “Oh Kyle…” I sob into the phone as I retell the events that had lead to our marriage in hell. “I have always wanted to marry Max…you know that. But…but…never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that I would be talking to you instead of making wild passionate love to my new husband” I cry, pounding my fists into the cooling water. I mean…this is my wedding night I should be receiving mind blowing orgasms from the man that I married”
I swear I am going to kill that mother fucker” Kyle growls into the phone, shocking me with his use of profanity. But just as quickly as the anger appears it is gone as he becomes the Kyle that I have grown to love and adore. “Where are you so I can come and beat the shit out of him and then ravage your newly married body myself” His words they shock me and yet at the same time it is so typical of Kyle to turn even the darkest of moments somewhat lighter.
“Kyle…” I giggle in spite of the pain that penetrates my heart. “Stop that…your not supposed to talk to me like that. I am a married woman now”
“Baby…you may be a married woman…but if your husband is stupid enough to let you talk to me instead of ravaging that gorgeous body of yours…then it is his loss and my gain. So…Liz…is that water I hear in the background” he asks as I once again turn on the water to warm the chilled water at my waist. “So…that means that you are completely nude as we sit here talking. Oh…the possibilities”
“Oh really…and what possibilities would those be” I laugh nervously, my cheeks and body reddening at the thought of Kyle picturing me naked. I know that I shouldn’t egg him on for I have know of Kyle’s great crush on me for years now. But I find that I can’t stop myself as the possibilities begin to run through my head. Kyle was right, if Max wasn’t will to even spend our wedding night making love to me…then maybe Kyle could take his place, so to speak anyway. The truth was I knew that Kyle felt more for me then I could ever return at the time…but at the time that didn’t matter. I wanted to flirt and have fun with a man that wanted me for more then a travel partner. I wanted to see where these possibilities would lead and I would deal with the aftermath later.
“Liz…” he moans into the phone. You don’t want to get me started on what I can do to your body without so much as laying a finger on you. I was wrong to say that. I…I’m sorry Liz. You needed a friend and I went to far…forgive me”
“Kyle…please” I beg as I lay back against the dirty porcelain tub. “Talk to me…tell me what you would do to me…I need you too”
“Please Kyle…tell me what you would do to me” I moan as my legs involuntarily spread apart, causing a stifled moan to escape from my lips as the newly warmed water hits my tender opening. His breathing becomes more ragged as I wait for the words that I pray will bring some release to my aching body. I here Kyle swallowing nervously against the phone as he tentatively begins to speak.
“First I would leisurely remove every stitch of your clothing…as my hands begin to explore your newly revealed skin. I will gaze appreciatively at you glorious nakedness…as my hands continue their exploration intent on only one thing…giving the greatest pleasure possible. Can you feel them Liz…can you feel my hands as they move along the silky contours of your body. Can you feel the heat that touching you radiates from them…as they come into contact with your most intimate of areas. Your skin is so soft…like putty in my hands as I knead your sensitive breasts. Do you like that way that my hands works them into two hardened points of wanting”
His words they affected me unlike anything I could have every imagined…without so much as the slightest touch from him. His words they guided me…it was as if my own hands had no control of their own as they followed the command of his voice…heightening the extent of my pleasure. I knew that it was wrong…knew that I shouldn’t have been doing what it was that I was doing…but there was no going back after he had begun…all that was left was to experience the gratification that I knew his words would bring me.
“You want more…I can tell as you arch your body demandingly against my own. Your so hot…I can feel the heat radiating off your body as I persist with my journeying…returning to your breasts…one hand fondles one as my mouth taste the sweetness of the other. I can hear you whimper as I take a responsive nipple into my mouth…but I know that it is only from the pleasure and not of the pain as you work your fingers though my hair…urging me on. However…I have other ideas…as I detach my lips and hand…spinning you dizzyingly around as I slam my hardening manhood roughly against your backside. Can you feel what your doing to me I will growl hotly against your ear as I maintain the friction that he wrecking havoc on both us”
The truth was he had no idea the havoc that he was causing as my hands continued to follow his lead…my body screaming for immediate release. Frantically my hand made its way to my molten core. My breath ragged as it reached its intended destination. Feverously my fingers work the little nub that will bring me to my necessary release. “Kyle…” I panted madly as I felt the pressure deep within me building. “Kyle…I’m ready”
“Tell me what you want me to do Liz” his panting as haphazard as mine. “I want you to tell me what you want me to do”
The idea that Kyle was pleasuring himself as I was…was almost more then I could bear as my fingers continued to work their magic on my hypersensitive nub. “Kyle…I…I…”
“Tell me…tell me Liz” he moaned through the earpiece as his breath become even more uneven.
“I want to feel your mouth on me…want to feel your tongue deep inside me. Please Kyle…don’t make me wait any longer” I begged…my fingers working at such a furious pace that it wasn’t a wonder that I wasn’t exploding all over that filthy bathroom. His words of lust continued to rocket though my ears and as promised without the slightest of his touch…I lost complete and total control as we both tumbled over the edge of ecstasy. I hadn’t even realized that the phone had fallen from my grasp as I tried to recover from what at the time was the greatest orgasm I had ever experienced. Slowly my breath returned to me as the reality of what I had just done hit me. Grabbing the phone now fully submerged in the tepid water…I fastly slam it back onto the receiver as tears of guilt and pain once again wash over me.
Alone with my thoughts I allow the weariness that always seems to saturate my very soul whenever we are apart to envelope me. I am only twenty-four years old…and yet I feel as if I have lived a lifetime. I hate lying to one to be with another…but as Kyle has stated several times…it is a price that we must pay to be together. I often wonder if it is worth the price though…since the only ones that we seem to be hurting is ourselves. Confused…let me explain. I love Kyle…know this…there are times when we are apart that I can barely function…much less breath…and yet we continue to live with this lie. I have begged…pleaded and cried to Kyle time and time again…asking him to leave Roswell with me. Move some place…any place where we can be together and not worry about the prying eyes and ears of this small town know as Roswell New Mexico. But…each time he either casually avoids my pleadings…or reminds me that we both have other lives to live…have other people to think about. I don’t care what the others think…all that matters to me is that I am with the one that I love. My life with Max has concluded…there is no salvaging this façade of a marriage. I think that it ended the day that it began…and yet neither of us was willing to acknowledge it. Together we clung to the young love that was Max and Liz before Tess and her evil ways pervaded our lives.
I know that Kyle loves me. I see it in the way his eyes light up as I enter our love nest. I feel the way that it radiates off his body as he holds me in his arms as we make love…and I hear it in the words of adoration that he speaks only to me. He loves me…there is no denying it…and yet he still refuses my pleading to leave and start a new life where we can be together. I know that I should be angry…maybe even a bit suspicious… and yet I cannot. I love him with every fiber of my being…and with that love comes total and unwavering trust of this man. I know that there must be a reason for his reluctance…and when the time is right…he will give me that answer that I need.
Reaching between the mattress I fumble for the only thing that brings me joy and happiness all these lonely nights. Finding it…I pull the small tarnished frame from its hiding place. It is the only picture taken of Kyle and I. I trace the outline of his rugged face with my finger and it causes a smile to graces my lips. It was a picture that was taken the night that Max and I returned from our sham of a honeymoon…it was the night that everything changed in an instant for me…for it was the night that I realized the full extent of what Kyle felt for me and what lengths he would go to ensure my happiness.
”So do you want to hit the CrashDown before we head home” Max asks…pulling me from my thoughts as we entered Roswell’s City limits. It had been two weeks since we had exchanged our wedding vows and Max had yet to make love to me. As usual his time was spent on what he felt was more important…searching for his son. Max and I were together and yet I had never felt lonelier in my life. I longed for the love and support of my family and friends…and so the idea of going to the CrashDown was cause for utter jubilation.
“Yes Please…I’m starving” I answer…sliding across the front seat in an attempt to snuggle against his body for warmth. I don’t know why I even tried…for Max once again rebuffed my attempts of closeness without a single word. The look that he gave me was enough to cause tears to mist my eyes as I dejectedly slinked my way back to where I was sitting just moments before.
Silently we pulled into the parking lot of the CrashDown where we both sat in silence…each deep in our own thoughts. Turning to Max I found him gazing longingly into the dark night. I knew what it was he was thinking about without even asking. He claimed to never love her the way that he loved me…and yet I was always left to wonder if his words were true. He spoke of Tess often and despite all the havoc that she brought into his life…he never spoke a disparaging word about her. “Max” I whispered…breaking the silence that surrounded us. “Max…do you love me” I had to know…had to hear the words from his own mouth.
“Of course I love you” he replied angrily…turning his attention from the stars and fully upon me. “Why would you ask such a stupid question. Where the hell is this coming from” I could clearly read the exasperation in his voice as his eyes bore into my own. Jesus Christ Liz…I don’t have enough to worry about looking for Tess and my son…now I have to worry about you and your insecurities too”
Tears coursed down my face at the harshness of his words. “I…I…you haven’t even touched me once since we got married” I bawled as my tears continued to pour from my eyes. “Did I do something wrong…is there something that I did to makes you not want to touch me anymore. Tell me Max…tell me what I have to do to make you love me the way that you once loved me”
“YOU STOP THIS RIGHT NOW” he screamed at me angrier then before as he painfully clasped my shoulders tightly within his fists. “I LOVE YOU…BUT I CAN’T BE THERE FOR YOU RIGHT NOW. I NEED TO FIND MY SON…AND ONCE THAT HAPPENS I CAN FOCUS ON YOU AND OUR MARRIAGE. I THOUGHT THAT YOU UNDERSTTOD THAT THIS WAS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN MY LIFE RIGHT NOW. TELL ME THAT YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I AM SAYING. THERE WILL BE PLENTY OF TIME FOR THE OTHER SHIT ONCE I FIND MY SON”
I felt as if I was caught in some sort of nightmare as his words crashed brutally into my already broken heart. I knew that I was going to wake up and laugh as I realized the insanity that had been my life for the last year was nothing but a crazy nightmare…but as I stated into the empty eyes of my husband I knew that this was a nightmare that I was never going to fully awake from. No…that nightmare was real…and it was something that was going to be a permanent fixture of my life forever. Sobs rack my body as Max leaves me at the car to collect myself before entering the CrashDown. Minutes later toughly distressed…but able to finally hold back the tears that continuously threaten to fall…I enter the CrashDown and enter into yet another nightmare.
“SURPRISE” A chorus of voices greeted me as I entered the restaurant. “Liz…I should so kill you for getting married and not having me there…but I will forgive you…but only if you name your first daughter after me” Maria giggled as she pulled me tightly into her embrace. “Man…I’ve missed you so much. Next time you decide to up and leave would you mind letting me know”
“Maria…I…I…I will,” I stammer as I cling to her desperately for at that moment in time there was no one that I needed more then my best friend. I knew Maria was the only person that would understand my sorrow and misery. She had been my lifeline through the ups and downs of my childhood and the trials and tribulations of the beginning of my adult life. Yes…we were best friends…but we held a bond that was more then just mere friendship. We were connected…there for each other through thick and thin and I knew that with her at my side…I could get through whatever life threw at me. Little did I know how wrong I was.
“Liz…babe…you’re cutting off my circulation there” her giggles continued as she pulled away from the vise like grip that I held upon her. Tears once again cloud my vision as I stare deeply into her eyes in hope that the bond of closeness that we had always shared would alert her into the deepness of my pain and sadness. Inside I was screaming for her to understand for I didn’t think that my heart could take any more emptiness. “Come with me” she answered as she took my hand and lead me away from the crowd of people gathered there to celebrate the love and marriage of two people that no longer existed. Scanning the room I find Max huddled in a corner booth with Michael and Isabel. I couldn’t hear what it was that they were saying…but it didn’t matter for I already knew without a doubt that he was rehashing all that had transpired in the last few weeks. “Ok…chica…spill”
“Oh Maria” I wail as yet again I clung to my best friend for comfort and support. “It’s over…it’s”
“Over…what’s over. What are you talking about”
“Max and I…were over” My pain plainly evident in my voice as I replayed the nightmare that had become my life for the last few weeks. “I don’t know what to do Maria. He…he hasn’t touched me in so long…and we…we haven’t even made love yet. I’ve been married for two weeks and I am still a virgin” I wail miserably as I continued to cling to my best friend.
“Oh Liz…he loves you” Maria attempted to comfort me as she forced me to look into her eyes. “This is Max Evans…he has loved you from the first moment that he laid eyes on you. Come on girl…we have heard this story enough times to know that Max will love you forever. He just has so much on his mind…with finding the killer bitch and their bastard son. Give him time…be patient and the Max that you know and love will return to you. He needs you more now then he has ever needed you before” I could only sit there in stunned silence as Maria pulled herself out of my clutches and headed for the swinging doors of the break room. She was defending him…standing up for the man that was slowly killing her best friend one day at a time. “Be patient Liz…your married now and no one said that married life was going to be easy…trust me…I know” With a small smile and a nod she walked through the swinging doors leaving me alone once again with my pain and misery.
I could only sit in stunned silence as the full extent of her words hit me. There would be no words of comfort…no words of encouragement from the woman that had been my friend all those many years before. I didn’t know it at the time…but Maria was fighting her own demons in her own marriage to Michael. Unable to control them any longer…I allowed the floodgates to open as I ran for the sanctuary of the ladies room.
Blinded by my tears I did not see him…only felt the broadness of his chest as I ran face first into it. “KYLE” I screech as the realization of whom it was that I had plowed into came into view. I hadn’t spoken to Kyle since the first night of my honeymoon…but the memory of that night and the way that he made me feel was still so vivid in my mind. “Kyle…I…I” I found that I had no words of expression…it was if my tongue had a mind of its own and it was refusing to utter a single coherent word. His blue eyes bore deeply into my own…causing a swirling of emotions to slam though out my already fragile body.
He didn’t speak…didn’t utter a word as he crushed my body tightly against his…pulling me into his warm and caring embrace. I struggled at first to break free from this hold that he held on me…but eventually my struggles ended as I allowed him to draw me tighter against the warmth of his body. It was the tiniest of gestures…but it was something that my body had needed for so long. Wrapping my arms securely around his neck…I allow him to erase the dull ache that had been permeating my body for so very long…even though it was short lived as Maria came barreling into the back room with a fuming Max in tow.
“Ok you two…break it up. Picture time” she drawled obviously intoxicated. “I have pictures of everyone except you two. We want to capture this wonderful moment on film. Kyle…I want you to give Liz a congratulatory hug”
“Come on Liz…be a sport. This is a happy occasion and I want to capture it. Dammit Kyle…would you hug her already and let me get this damn picture taken”
“Right” Kyle replied as he once again wrapped his arms around me…but this time it was different…less loving…more stoic. His body language may have said one thing…but the words that he murmured against my ear stated something so completely different. Words that were inaudible to the rest of the room…but they were words that caused my heart to beat furiously within my chest. “I know that I shouldn’t tell you this…but I love you Liz. Even though Max stole you from me…I never allowed my love for you to die. I will always love you…and I will do anything to ensure your happiness…anything”
And with a snap and a flash it was over. Before I knew what had happened he was gone…and I was left standing in the middle of the room…surrounded by my clearly upset husband and my clueless best friend…as his words ricocheted crazily between my mind and my heart. What happened next was shocking and frightening as Max excused us and dragged my still stunned frame into that of the men’s room. No words were uttered as he savagely thrust me against the walls attacking my lips with such dominance that it caused a yelp of pain to omit from them…and yet he never stopped as he continued to roughly take my virginity in a matter of minutes…and once he was finished he left me entirely shocked and confused…as he once again left me behind and allowed me to collect myself.
I need to hear his voice…need the reassurance that only he can bring to me…reassurance that I can get through another long lonely night without him by my side. I know that the risk of being caught is great. I know that Max could pick up the phone and hear the words of love that I long to express to him…or even worse he could walk in and catch me staring longingly at the photo of the man that I love more then I could ever love him…but I don’t care. Just to hear his words of love directed only at me…is so worth whatever aftermath that could occur. The funny part is…I want Max to catch us. I want him to know the true extent of my love for Kyle. I don’t want to hurt Max…really I don’t. But…I am so tired of the lies…tired of the sneaking behind his back to be with my true love. I know that I should have ended this charade that has been my life for the last year and a half long ago…but circumstances always seem to present itself at the exact moment that I decide to take that final step that will end this nightmare of a marriage. Time…it is my greatest enemy…but it is an enemy that I am determined will not win in the end.
Picking up the phone I dial the number that is forever etched in my heart. “Hello” I hear him answer sleepily. Glancing at the clock I realize that I hour is late…but I know that he will fully understand my need.
“I’m sorry to call you so late Kyle…but I just wanted to hear your voice and tell you that I love you so much”
“Are you crazy Isabel…you know that your not supposed to call me at this number. What if Liz were here and had answered the phone…you know how crazed she gets with jealously when anyone comes between her and my studly body” I can hear him as he tries to stifle his laughter…and as usual he is unsuccessful. For as long as I have know Kyle he has been quick with a joke…no matter the seriousness of the situation. He is the kind of person that can turn a worst-case scenario into a somewhat lighter moment. It is one of the main reasons that I love him…because he makes me laugh at even the darkest moments of my life.
“Kyle Valenti…don’t make me come over there and hurt you,” I threaten as my own laughter mixes with his.
“Oh…that sounds so promising” his laughter continues…bringing a smile to my face. “Oh and Liz…I love you too”
“I needed to hear that tonight”
“Why…are you ok” I hear the tone in his voice grow serious. “You never call me in the middle of the night…did he…did he do something to you” I can feel my heart squeeze in my chest at his quarry of concern.
“I am fine love…I just needed to hear your voice. I miss you…I want to be laying in your arms…instead of dreaming about it”
“I know…me too…but you’re sure that you’re ok”
“I promise…I’m fine. I just really miss you”
“Phew…you had me worried for a minute there. So…Mrs. Evans…what is it that your wearing at this very moment as your missing me terribly”
“Oh no you don’t mister” I giggle…my face reddening as thoughts of a previous night enter my mind. “Sorry baby…but no phone sex for you tonight…not with Max here”
“Dammit” he growls…trying yet again to be serious and failing. “Well at least I get to ravage your sexy body tomorrow”
“OMG…Kyle” I screech loudly…as I realize my blunder and wait for Max to come running through the door. What the hell I am thinking…I don’t know…because Max hasn’t come to my rescue in years… so why the hell would he start tonight. Pulling the comforter tighter around my chest I settle snuggly against the over stuffed pillows. “I forgot to tell you that I have a Doctor’s appointment in the morning. I don’t know how long it will take…so I may not be able to meet you tomorrow”
“Doctor’s appointment…why…what’s wrong” He asks concern dripping in his voice as I hear him jump out of bed and begin to pace the floor. A small smile graces my face since I know him like the back of my hand…I know that he is clutching the phone white knuckled and wearing a hole in the tiled floor. As long as I have known Kyle Valenti he has always paced back and fourth whenever he is extremely concerned or worried. “Are you ok. Liz…tell me did he do something to you”
“Kyle…baby…I promise you that I am fine. It is just my annual physical exam. It is something that all women go through once a year…it is one of the perks of being a lady. Oh…and baby…will you please stop leaving skid marks on the floor. It was really hard to remove them last time” I giggle trying to lighten the mood. The truth is I am lying to Kyle…well fibbing is more like it. Although I am going for my yearly exam…there is something else that I need to have the Doctor check. It is something that I pray to be true…for I am also going to see if I am pregnant.
“Funny” he replies as he continues to make his way across the creaky floorboards of his bedroom. “I’m just worried about you…that’s all”
“I love you Kyle…but I am fine. I better get off here before Max walks in on us. I love you so much…and I want to thank you for your concern and always being there for me when ever I need you”
“I’ll always be here for you…I love you. Can you please call me when your finished and let me know how everything went if your not able to meet me”
“You know that I will. Night Kyle…I love you”
“Night sweety…I love you too”
Reluctantly I return the receiver to its resting place as well as the frame back into its hiding place…but not before I place a small kiss upon the mans face that I love more then life. Placing my hand under the comforter I run my hand along my flat stomach causing my heart to soar and a huge smile to cross my lips. I really don’t need any pregnancy test to tell me that I am carrying Kyle’s child. I already know that I am…and it just a matter of time before it is confirmed. “Night little one” I murmur as I allow slumber to take me to a different plain of existence where he and I are free to be together. It is a place that I visit nightly…a place that I love just as much as I love him…a place where there are no secrets and lies…only complete love and togetherness.
Within minutes I am there…and so is he. Slowly we come together with only one true intent…to succumb to our ever-growing passion and love that we feel for only each other. I know that it is a dream…know that it isn’t real…but it isn’t the way that it feels. I can feel him as he lays full bodied atop me…feel the way that his kisses litter my neck and chest…feel his hands as they roam along the curves of my body…and yet its not right. No…this is wrong…something is wrong. His hands are rough and demanding…so unlike his normal gentleness. Reality crashes brutally into me as I fling open my eyes and find myself staring frightfully into the eyes of…Max.
After that night at the CrashDown…I avoided Kyle like the plague. Not that it was very hard considering that Max had us on another wild goose chase searching for his fathom son. This trip I was finding it harder and harder to be faithful to Max in my mind at least as Kyle and his loving words kept coming back to haunt me night and day. On those trips I spent a lot of my time alone…and even when Max was in the same vicinity of me…I was still so very alone and so it gave me time to contemplate about the cruel realities of my life. I loved Max…don’t get me wrong…but I was desperately lonely and I craved just the slightest bit of intimately. Max could never give me what I needed most and so eventually I found myself in the arms of the only man that could. That first night was the single most intimate experience of my life…and we hadn’t even slept together yet. Kyle knew just what it was that I needed most and he gave it with all that he felt for me.
Max and I had just gotten into another one of our heart wrenching arguments. It was common for us to have at least three or four of those a week…and with each one I found that I was taking another step farther from my husband and one step closer to the man that was once a part of my past. As I said we has just got into another one of our horrendous arguments and I was devastated. As usual the argument consisted of me asking him if he loved me and if he did…then why couldn’t he just for once put me before anything else. I didn’t think that it was an unreasonable request since I had put Max Evans above everything in my life…including my own family from the very beginning…and as per usual he crushed my heart just a little bit more. I was angry…more like in a rage as I flew out the front door of our home with no destination in sight. I just had to leave…had to be anywhere but within the vicinity of him…and so I left.
I may have not known where I was going…but my heart did as I found myself standing on the front porch of a man that for a brief time was so much a part of my adolescent years. In what seemed like forever I stood on the doorstep of that mans home unable to knock…and yet at the same time I found that I was also unable to leave as I replayed words previously spoken in my mind. And so I continued to stand there…standing there in hopes that he would rip the door open and pull me into his embrace and take all the pain and suffering out of my life…at least for just a little while.
When that didn’t happen…I threw myself defeated yet again onto the cracked and worn steps of his front porch as the tears I had been holding back escaped down my tear accustomed face. I knew that it was wrong to be there…knew in my heart that it was wrong to want to be with Kyle…knew that I would be using him…and yet I continued to sit there. I didn’t even hear him as he opened the door and stepped out onto the porch…only felt his hand and he placed it over my own and led me quietly into the sanctuary of the house.
Once inside he never spoke a word as he led me to a place that I knew was forbidden…and yet I obediently followed. The silence was thick…and yet it was unlike the silence that was always present with Max. He didn’t need to speak…his eyes alone spoke volumes as he slowly began to undress me with them. The amount of love and kindness I found in them was more then I could bear as he continued to probe me with his beautiful blue eyes. Sob after sob racked my battle torn body as I threw my arms around him and clung to him as if for dear life. At the time I didn’t realize it…but I did need to be saved…and if not for Kyle and the love that he felt for me…eventually I would have died a slow and tortuous death at the hands of the man that once claimed to love me heart…body and soul.
“Shhh…it’s ok. Just let it all out…I am here for you now” He whispered against my ear as I wrapped my arms even tighter around his strong neck. “You won’t ever hurt again Liz…this I promise you” Taking my face into his hands…he pulled me from his warm body forcing me to look once again into the depths of his eyes. I am here for you…and I will be for always.”
I tried to speak…tried to find that words that would express just how much his words meant to me…but again was rendered speechless. “Shhh…” he said placing his fingers against my lips. “Don’t say a word…tonight is all about you. I want to make you happy Liz…want to make all your fantasies come true. Tell me Liz…tell me what I can do to remove the unhappiness in your eyes…and replace it with the light that once shone so brightly from them”
His words were causing a whirlwind of emotions to swirl throughout my body. So many emotions that I didn’t know where one started and one ended…as I continued to stare deeply into his love filled eyes. I had no clue as to what it would take to make me happy. Happiness was something that I had given up on as the one person that I thought would make me happy pushed me further and further out of his life. These words were what I had longed to hear for so long…and yet it wasn’t from the person that I desired to hear it from. Guilt eventually won out as my emotions continued to rage…guilt for what I was about to do to get even with Max for all the pain that was now present in my heart due to him…and guilt for using Kyle as I was about to use him to get my revenge. “Make…make love to me Kyle” I stammered as I stepped away from the trance he still held on me with those eyes. Nervously I begin to remove the shirt that was covering my then shaking body…only to be stopped as Kyle pulled it back upon my shoulders.
“No…not like this Liz” he replied as he one by one buttoned the buttons of the shirt that I had attempted to remove. “Know this Liz…we will make love…but it will be for the right reasons. I love you Liz…I can’t hide it from you any longer. I know that you don’t love me…know that even after all the emotional turmoil that he has brought upon you…that you still love him. None of that matters tonight…because all I want to do is make you happy. Will you let me make you happy Liz…tell me that you’ll allow me to make you happy”
Once again I find myself speechless as the lump that was forever present in my throat proceeded to triple in size. Unable to speak…and barely able to breath…I gave him the smallest nod of acceptance as he lifted me into his strong arms and led me towards the bed. With the gentlest of ease he laid me upon the comforter as he laid down beside me swallowing my shivering body into his warm embrace. What he did next was almost my undoing…it was something that Max hadn’t been able to do since the rebirth of our doomed relationship. He held me…he held me and allowed me to release that pain and hurt that I had been harboring for years. I cried like I had never cried before…screamed until I didn’t think that it was possible to utter another sound from my raw throat…and bruised the chest of the man that continued to hold me through out it all. Once I was done with my tyrant…I was too exhausted to do much else but allow the peace of slumber to cast itself over me. The next morning I woke to find him still clutching me against his body. He looked so peaceful as he continued to hold me…a small smile gracing his handsome face. I felt different…felt as if the weight of the world had been lifted off of my shoulders…but it was replaced just as quickly with guilt as the events of the following evening came to view in the form of ugly purple and blue welts upon his chest and neck.
“I’m so sorry Kyle,” I whispered as I extracted myself quietly from his clutches. For once in such a long time I felt loved…felt like someone was willing to put my needs ahead of their own…and I knew that Kyle was the one that had done that for me. At that time however…I was still clinging onto the hope that my marriage to Max was salvageable. I know that it was selfish to ask so much of Kyle and then just leave him the way that I did…without so much as even a thank you…but that foolish notion that Max and I could repair our badly damaged love was still so fresh in my heart. “I’m so sorry” I whisper again as with one final look upon his sleeping form. I ran like a coward from the man that had placed his love for me out in the open…only to have it brutally rebuffed as I fled into the early morning hour’s…intent on never returning again. As usual I was wrong…so wrong as I was about to find out once I returned home to Max.
Returning home…I found the house completely dark and empty…with Max nowhere to be found. I searched everywhere…eventually finding a hastily written note attached to the screen of his computer. Liz…I received another clue as to the whereabouts of my son. I know this is sudden…but I couldn’t wait for you to return. I will call you when I get to California. Max Anger unlike any I had ever experienced before blazed within me. He had left the state of New Mexico without even knowing or caring where I was…or even if I was hurt or in danger. It was his fault that I had left in the first place…and still he didn’t care enough to try and find me. “FUCK YOU MAX EVANS” I screamed into the empty apartment as once again I grabbed my purse and headed back towards my earlier destination. I knew that what I was about to do was wrong as intentions from earlier resurfaced. I was determined to get back at Max for hurting me yet again…and I didn’t care that it was Kyle that was going to also get hurt in the process.
“Liz…what are you…” Kyle asks startled…finding me once again upon his doorstep.
“I want you to fuck me now…” I reply angrily as I violently grab his face and attack his shocked mouth…forcing my tongue so far down his throat that it momentarily causes me to gag. He tried to push me away…but I was a woman on a mission and I was going to fuck Kyle Valenti if it was that last thing that I had to do. Impatiently I removed the clothing that was fastly becoming a hindrance. Now standing fully nude before him I try once again to take his lips with my own…only to be gently pushed away.
“Liz…stop this” he whispers as he attempts to cover my angrily shivering body with a blanket from the back of the couch. “I know your hurting…but this isn’t the way to solve whatever happened. Please…don’t do this”
“Kyle…shut the hell up. You have wanted to fuck me for as long as I can remember…and now you have the chance to do what ever you want to me…without repercussion” I continue my rant as I savagely grabbed the collar of his shirt and ripped it with the slightest of ease. The sight of the bruises I had inflicted just hours before cause the reality of the situation to slam fastly against me. I wouldn’t even begin to explain the guilt that engulfed me as I gazed into his intensely blue…intensely confused eyes. “Kyle…I…I am so sorry. I…I should go…please forgive me. I never meant to hurt you. I…”
“What happened” he asked…his eyes never once breaking the trance that he held on me. “That wasn’t you Liz…tell me what he did to you” The concern his voice was more then I could bare as I as per usual I clung to him for dear life as I bared my very soul.
“It’s ok…I told you that I would always be here for you. I knew that it had to be something horrible to make you act like this. The Liz that I love would never purposely hurt anyone…including good ole Kyle” he chuckled uneasily trying to break the tenseness of the moment.
“How can you say that after all that I have done to you in the last few hours” I stated shocked as I tried to remove myself from his arms…only to have him tighten the hold that he held on me. “Kyle…Please…I have treated you so awful…even after everything that you have done for me. I don’t deserve to have you love me…much less like me after the way that I have treated you”
I told you once…and I will tell you again. I love you…I will always be here for you. It doesn’t matter what you do or say to me Liz Parker-Evans…I will always love you”
It was at that precise minute that I finally allowed my mind to listen to what my heart had been trying to tell it all along…that my feelings for Kyle were beginning to change. For the first time since we had dated in high school…I could feel the true depth of his love for me. I knew that without a doubt that he would be there for me always…without fail or expectance of anything in return. Yes…it was at that very moment that I willingly admitted to myself that I could possibly grow to love this man more then I could ever love Max.
Tentatively I reach my hand out to caress his tear stained cheek…only to pull it back as I felt the warmth that radiated from his face as it got closer. “It’s ok” he whispered as he gently took my hand and placed it along the smoothness of his cheek. “I just want you to know that I won’t ever push you into anything that you’re not ready for…I promise”
“I know Kyle…” I murmured softly as I continued to explore the contours of his face. “Kyle…can you…can you kiss me” I asked nervously gazing deeply into his eyes to express to him just how ready I was to take the next step in our budding relationship.
Slowly our lips inched together…and I eagerly closed the gap once his lips were a mere inch from my own needing lips. Till this day I still can’t really describe the way that his kiss made me feel. It was a combination of nervousness…wanting…needing…and the knowledge that what I was doing…I shouldn’t have been. The kiss began as a slow need of assurance as we both tested the waters of what was about to come next…but eventually it was blatantly clear to us both that we were about to embark onto the next step of our journey and there was no going back.
That night…Kyle brought out a side of me that I thought I had lost long ago. I thought that I had lost my ability to love…lost my sense of humanity…but he proved to me that it hadn’t disappeared…but had just been lying dormant. That night was wondrous and mind blowing all rolled into one. He was loving…gentle and patient…all the things that I longed for.
With just the softest of caresses he brought me to heights that I had never experienced before. His mouth…that glorious mouth explored areas of my body that I never knew could be so sensuous. I was in heaven that night…and I knew from that point on that Kyle Valenti would forever be a part of my life. From then on the lies began and the deceptions played…but I didn’t care anymore. Max and his inability to love me was no longer and issue. All that mattered was that I bit by bit was growing to love Kyle. With each encounter my love for him grew by leaps and bounds…until nothing else but ending up in his arms when ever possible mattered.