To Feel Again
Category: Isabel/Kyle, bits of Isabel/Jesse and Isabel/Alex though. This is a complete fanfiction.
Disclaimer: I don't own Roswell, or it's characters, obviously. All credits go to Joss and UPN.
Rating: PG
Summary: This takes place right after Michael, The Guys, And Snapple. Sort of a 'What If' situation. Basically, Izzy and Kyle bond.

Sometimes she preferred the cold. The numbing sensation that slowly crept up her spine and wrapped it's icy claws around her neck. The hardening of her heart as she felt the pain drain away to some unknown portal buried within the depths of her head - at least for awhile.

She was at war and the numbness was like an invisable shield that protected her from any outside contact that threatened to harm her. She had let her defences down once, twice - lord knows how many times, and she always managed to get stabbed in the heart every time. Now she was slowly bleeding to death and she had to savor warmth in any place she could get.

She didn't love Jesse. Hell, she wasn't even sure she liked him.

Maybe that made it easier somehow.

It protected her from the pain she knew would eventually follow. If her heart wasn't in it, she couldn't get burned, right?

Seeking comfort in his kisses had been a momentary distraction; something in which she greatly needed. Something to fill the void. To ease her mind off of other...things. People.

It was really all a fantasy that Isabel Evans had cooked up in her mind, though. The danger, the excitement, the thrill of each passionate kiss exploding really didn't touch her. She kept it all at a distance and that's just the way it had to be.

But something had disturbed her quiet little fantasy that evening. Or someone. Kyle had been at the wrong place at the wrong time. She had been exsposed. He had seen everything and nothing at once, because she didn't care about Jesse. It wasn't what it appeared to be. But she couldn't explain that to him then. She didn't know why.

She almost felt relieved that he knew. It took some of the pressure off, and it was nice not to have to pretend. To just be able to talk, and share, and...live. Something she hadn't done in quite awhile.

Sitting across from Kyle at the Crashdown that day, she felt the corners of her mouth tug into a smile. Isabel Evan's million dollar smile. Reserved for only the very few and elite.

And then Kyle spoke, and his words seemed to sadden her a little. "Good for you. I mean, Max has Liz, and Michael has Maria, and you never really had that, so... Good for you."

"Thanks." Isabel's voice was barely above a whisper now. How quickly everyone seemed to have forgotten Alex, she thought with a hinge of sadness. She couldn't forget him, though. Not yet. It was too soon.

"Jesse's great." Her voice came out a little too perky that time. She fiddled with her straw nervously, taking a long sip from her Alien Blast. The cool liquid felt rather good on her burning throat.

Kyle smiled at her. "I'm sure he is." His voice faltered a little. "I'm happy for you." And he was. Really. But he couldn't help but feel the smallest prick of jealousy as he watched Isabel and Jesse practically maul each other at the store.

"It's only a matter of time before some hot little number snatches you up as well. Tess was crazy if she-" Isabel clamped a hand over her mouth, realising what she had just said. How could she of been such an insensitive fool?

Feeling her cheeks begin to redden she quickly began to cover her tracks "I'm sorry," Isabel gave his hand a small squeeze. "I know she hurt you..."

"I'll get over it."

"Kyle..."

"Getting over it is the only thing you can do, Isabel. If you stop to think about it...if you let it invade your mind for just one fraction of the day-" Tears sprang to Kyle's eyes but he held them back fiercly.

"You don't have to pretend to be strong," Isabel said; her voice gentle.

"Why? It sure looks like it's working for you."

"And what's THAT supposed to mean?" She demanded defensively.

Kyle gave a bitter laugh. "This whole thing with Jesse is a joke, a farce. I've known it since the first time I saw you two together in the supermarket. That's not you, Isabel."

Anger rose in her throat. "Oh, and since when did you become such an expert on me?"

"I never said I was, but I know a rebound when I see one. I'm sorry if that upsets you."

Isabel felt her patince growing thin. She shouldn't feel the need to justify herself to Kyle Valenti, for God's sake!

She really shouldn't. So why did she?

Collecting her purse from the back of the chair, she stood up aburtly on her heels. Pride was the one thing she had left in all of this and she was not about to lose it.

"Look, I don't know why I bother talking to you anyway." She tried to keep it cool, but her voice was breaking. "I'm out of here."

And with that, she pushed her way through the busy restraunt before Kyle could get a word in. People and objects whizzed by but she couldn't really make sense of it. It was all such a blur as the tears streaked her face; ruining her perfectly applied mascara. Who the hell really cared if she ruined her makeup, though? Inside she was a mess - it was time the whole world saw her for what she really was.

The ice was beginning to thaw and by the time she got outside her chest was burning, so she had to stop and catch her breath. Somehow her conversation with Kyle had emerged something deep inside of her. Something she always told herself wasn't really there. And it had worked. If she kept focusing on other things in her life, things that held little or no importance to her, everything was okay.

"Isabel, wait up!"

She could hear the footsteps pounding behind her, but she was in no mood to continue running away. She collasped on the nearest bench and waited for him to catch up.

It was Kyle, of course, and he had this guilty look on his face. Good; the boy should feel guilty.

"Listen, I'm sorry for what happened back there," Kyle took a seat beside her on the bench. "I guess I've had my own personal hell to deal with lately, but I shouldn't be taking it out on you. I know I have no right to judge your relationship."

"Apology accepted," Isabel said, forcing a smile. "You wanna tell me what's bugging you?"

"Stress. Work. School. Life. Everything," Kyle let out a frustrated sigh as he nervously ran fingers through his hair. "My Dad still hasn't found work, and I'm trying to juggle two part time jobs, plus school on top of that. So yeah, I guess I can get a little grumpy sometimes."

Isabel had to laugh, despite herself. "You can say that again."

"Are you mocking me, Evans?" Kyle asked in mock horror.

"Something like that."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. But listen," Isabel continued, her voice turning serious. Pushing a few strands of dark hair from her face, she shifted her position so she was directly facing Kyle. She glanced his face up and down once; noting the dark circles under his eyes which indicated a lack of sleep. When she spoke next there was worry in her voice. "If you ever need anything, anything at all-"

"I'll call you," he finished with a nod of his head. "Don't worry, if I can survive almost dying and being brought back by an alien, I'm sure I'll be able to get by with only a few hours of sleep."

"I hope so."

"Thanks. That's sweet."

He paused, wanting to say something more, but not really knowing what it was he wanted to say.

For a moment an akward silence passed between them, until finally Isabel broke it. "Listen, I have to be going," she said while digging around in her purse for some unknown object. "I promised I'd be home in time to cook dinner. Well, actully, it's Max's turn, but he's off with Liz - probably doing something ileggal no doubt, so I don't count on him showing up."

"Gotta be getting back home myself, anyways. So I guess I'll see you later."

"Yeah. Later," Isabal managed a small wave. "And Kyle?"

He caught her eye, and smiled a little. "Yeah?"

"Take care of yourself. Okay?"

"I promise I'll try. Goodbye Isabel."

"Bye."

And without another word, she was off, without even a backwards glance; her platformed shoes clicking on the sidewalk. The nerves in her stomach clutched together, and her senses were drained. All from a talk. But she knew there was something more going on.

For the first time in a long while she was feeling again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The office room was dingy and dark as Isabel let out a low moan later that evening. Her head was spinning. Everything was. It was a nice feeling.

Jesse had her pressed up against the wall, and she noticed what a nice body he had. She didn't notice much else, because in reality she knew next to nothing about this man. Just that he was here and kissing her right now.

The kisses were quick and hard, not soft and gentle like Alex's had been. But then again, she wasn't the same girl that had kissed Alex outside her door almost two years ago. A part of her had died along the way, and something had been reborn in its place. Something cold.

Her back arched against the wooden study desk, and in one swift motion she tilted her neck back, exsposing her pale ivory white skin. He trailed kisses down her collar bone and she went dizzy with excitement, her thoughts blurring into each other.

She began to lose control.

Then the flashes came. More like visons. And they weren't the kind Max talked about getting with Liz. They weren't two souls merging into one to become complete. They were...forceful, almost unwelcome, it seemed.

She saw herself dancing with Alex at the prom. So happy, with their arms entwined around each other and their bodies swaying to the beat. They thought it would be a fresh start for both of them. They thought wrong.

So many tears. So many broken memories. That seemed to be a running theme in her life.

And here she was, running to the graveyard to dance with a ghost. Hanging onto something that wasn't really there.

Crying in her bedroom alone at night. Blaming herself. Blaming everyone around her. Blaming God, wishing him to strike her dead.

And the going numb.

"This whole thing with Jesse is a joke, a farce. I've known it since the first time I saw you two together in the supermarket. That's not you, Isabel."

That was the last thing she remembered before blasting back into reality.

Jesse was now hovering over her like an insect, a confused expression on his face. "Iz?"

"I need to get out of here." Isabel broke away from his embrace. How different he seemed now, the harsh moonlight streaming in through the window and covering his handsome face. How black his eyes seemed. Black and cold.

She needed to get out of there.

"Izzy, wait! What's the matter?" Pleaded cries. But she didn't take time to digest them.

She was panting and out of breath by the time she ran down five flights of stairs. She stood hunched on her knees for several seconds, just gasping in air. Then she took off again. It was better not to look back.

Running. It felt good. Just feeling the air whizzing past her and nothing else. The night air was cool and fresh on her face; a stark contrast to the hot tears that stung her cheeks.

She heard her name float through the air.

"Isabel..."

It was probably just her imagination. She kept going.

A car horn honked and she nearly jumped out of her skin.

"Going somewhere?"

The voice was cocky and she knew instantly that it must be Kyle. But there was a hint of concern in it too, and she wondered for a second just how bad she looked.

"Not that it's any of your business, but yes. Home." she replied cooly.

"Sorry, I don't happen to have a spaceship. But I can give you a lift to your house, if you like."

Isabel gritted her teeth in annoyance. "No thanks. I think I'll walk."

"Come on, in those shoes?" Kyle glanced down at her strappy black platformed shoes, grimaning inward at the pain she was probably in. "I don't think so."

Rolling her eyes, she hopped in the passanger side down; strapping the seatbelt around her slim frame firmly. She didn't pocess the energy to argue with him tonight. Thoughts and emotions were swirling around in her head and she was just trying to make sense of it.

The drive back to her house was short and paved in silence. After what seemed like an eternity to Isabel, they finally pulled up in her driveway. Before exiting the car and heading up to her room, she turned to face Kyle.

"Thank you. You know, for driving me home, and for not asking questions."

"Sure. I've learned that it's sometimes better to just sit down and shut up." Kyle gave a half-hearted laugh and nervously ran his fingers through his hair. "And if there's anything you ever need, anything at all-"

Isabel smiled faintly at the old line. "I'll call you."